01x02 - Sword

[bunniefuu]

Alright, birthday girl.
One last present.

This one's
from Ikrimah.

[Chad]
Oh, lucky.

Thanks, Ikrimah.
Thanks, Ikrimah.

Noise-canceling headphones.
Canceling headpho-o-o-o-o-nes!

Yes.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, my God.
So great. So urban.

I love it.

Okay, Mom, my turn.
Okay, okay.

I thought it was just
Niki's birthday.

[Niki] It is.

We have
this ridiculous ritual

where Chad also gets gifts
on my birthday.

Otherwise,
he throws a tantrum.

It's mostly just
an adorable tradition

we've kept up
that I encourage,

but way -- way to put
a negative spin on it, you d*ck.

Nope, nope.
We're not doing this today.

Hamid: Okay, Chad joon.
-Here are your presents.
-What is it?

[ Bag rustles ]

Just pants?

You guys got me
just straight-up pants?

Hamid and I thought
you could use a new pair.

What?
N-Nothing.

I'll wear it,
but you should --

you should probably know
it just brings me zero joy.

That's all.

But thank you.
Thank you, Hamid. Thank you.

Okay,
what else?

Okay, there is one more
very special gift

all the way from Iran.

Oh,
is it from Dad?

It's from Dad?
My father?

Holy mother of...

what the heck?

What do you think it is,
Mom?

♪

It's a sword.

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna throw up.

It's a sword!

It's a freaking sword,
Mom!

He listened.
Get out of the way.

-Mom, he listened.
-I know, honey.
I'm so glad.

I love Dad
so much.

Oh, my God!

Am I allowed to say
"holy sh*t"?

Holy sh*t!

This is amazing!
[ Grunts ] Yes!

Now, Chad,
you have to be careful.

It is a sword.

Get rid of this sh*t,
right?

[ Both chuckle ]

Those pants are hideous.

♪

[ Cellphone beeps ]
Hi, Dad.

It's Chad, your son.

Sword. [ Chuckles ]

I got it.
It's friggin' amazing.

Mom got me pants,
so you win again.

Want to see some tricks?

♪

Wait. sh**t.

♪

[ Distorted shout ]

♪

That's the end of my video.

Thank you.

Miss you.

♪

[ Blows ]

Lights out, Chad.
Time for bed.

Clearly busy,
Mom.

I'm cleaning the sword.

And after this,
I got to polish it

with some microcrystalline
Renaissance Wax

that prevents rust
almost indefinitely.

-There's a whole process.
-Mm-hmm.

You had
a pretty fun weekend.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, 'cause of my sword.

Oh, Mom.
Mm-hmm?

Look.
Saw this note in the box.

[ Chuckles ]

Called me
his little warrior.

[ Snickers ] Cute.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.

Your dad
loves you so much.

I know, huh?

For someone I see
literally never,

he sure knows how to throw
a damn smile on my face.

Listen,
about your dad,

I know you have
a lot of feelings about him.

What do you think
about maybe

talking to
your school counselor?

Aww, that's a fun,
little idea.

But pretty sure anyone

looking at my life
from the outside in

would be like,
"Yep, you're good."

Well, I made you an appointment
to see him tomorrow,

so I'm sorry I phrased it
like a question.

That was straight-up
sneaky of you.

Please don't
do that again.

Okay.

And you are not to take
that sword to school tomorrow.

-I'm not going to.
-Chad,
promise me.

I promise!
I'm serious.

Mom,
I swear on Niki's life.

♪

You look like
Captain Jack Sparrow

from "Pirates of the Caribbean:
Curse of the Black Pearl."

Okay, you don't need to say
the whole title, Peter,

but thank you.

Hey,
can I hold it?

Mm,
just for a little bit.

Okay.

♪

Okay, alright,
I'm uncomfortable.

-O-Okay.
-It's just very fragile.

It's an
international artifact.[ Chuckles ]

What a rush.
Right?

Yeah.
Can't wait
to bring this puppy to school

and watch people just kind of
slowly lose their minds.

Why are you bringing it
to school?

'Cause it's the coolest friggin'
thing in the world, Peter.

We're in high school now, okay?
Objects matter.

If people thought
me having sex was cool,

they're definitely gonna think
me having a sword is cool.

We just need to find a way
to sneak it past security.

♪

♪

And then she literally, like,
yelled at me, and it was --

Big announcement
at lunch today -- it's a sword.

What'd he say?

Sword.

-Okay.
-Big announcement.

It's gonna be crazy.

Yeah,
bring people to stadium.

Lunchtime.

What's going on,
Bartholomew?

Yeah, this dude's gonna show us
his p*nis during lunch.

No, I'm not.
It's not my p*nis.

What is it, then?

Sorry, sir.

Something else entirely.

Peter,
get out of the bathroom.

This isn't a cello.

[Leather squeaking]

So, Chad,
what is up, my man?

Chad:
I'm not totally sure.

I'm not really clear
on what this is

or why
I'm talking to you.

Hey, we are just two homies
hanging out.

So,
your mom mentioned

you haven't seen your dad
in a couple years.

That sucks,
right?

Yeah.
He lives in Iran...

Mm-hmm.

...but he calls me sometimes,
and I always answer.

He has two cars.

Two cars?
Tell me more about Dad.

He seems like
a cool guy.

Um,
he loves olives.

He's jacked and friendly
like a Persian The Rock.

Hm. Hilarious.

You miss him?

Yeah,
I can tell.

And we can't just

Rollerblade over
to Iran, can we?

I mean, we could,

but it'd be hard
'cause it's far from here,

and there are oceans
and obstacles in our way, right?

Are you a real doctor?

Yeah.

Okay, 'cause I'm not trying
to be disrespectful or anything,

but I kind of feel like
you're winging this

and it's going bad.

Oh, boy.
The gloves are coming off.

I'm fun.

I can hang with you.

Alright?

Have I told you
that I used to write

and perform
parody songs in college?

No, sir, I literally met you
like 10 sentences ago.

[ Laughs ]
Taking Charles down.

[ Chuckles ]
I love it.

[ Bell rings ]
Bye.

♪

Chad: Alright, thank you all
for coming to my special reveal.

Uh, lunch lady,
didn't invite you.

Kind of seems like

the only time
you should be working, but okay.

Without further delay,
Peter?

♪

You didn't tell me about
the buckles.

Okay,
we've talked about

when things
are time-sensitive, Peter.

[ Grunts ]
Here we go.

♪

It's a sword.

It's a real-life,
full-on authentic sword.

They're completely shocked.

Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
Can't believe it.

Is that it?
[ Scoffs ] No.

♪ Dun, dun,
dun-dun-dun-dun-dun -- ♪

Not yet.
Do it at the end.

♪ Dun, dun,
dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪

Are you all
ready for Chad?

Denise: Chad, you shouldn't
bring that to school.

I don't think people
are amused by weapons.

Marjorie: Yeah, I mean,
she's right.

Especially in
this political climate.

Okay, this is definitely
the last thing I need right now

is for the two of you
to join forces.

Separate, please.

Obviously,
I'm a huge feminist,

but if you could redirect
your evil female energy...

[ Bell rings ]
Ugh.

That went by fast.

Ple-- Please try to spread
the word about my sword.

♪

Hey, Reid.
Ah, sword.

En garde,
b*tch.

Unh, unh, unh.

[ Both chuckle ]

He liked it.

He li--
you liked it.

I had a really good time
just now.

That --
That little fun we had.

You know, like,
playfully called me a b*tch.

[ Both chuckle ]

Yeah, man.
-Uh, cool sword.
-It is cool, huh?

Yeah.
Oh, hey.

Um,
I was just thinking,

since based on
just what happened

and everything I know
about the sword

and how awesome it is
and how awesome you are,

um,
you can have it.

For real?

Yep.
It's yours, man.

You just go ahead
and keep it.

Cool, man.
Thanks.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, Reid.

Life is short.
Be happy.

Yeah.
Uh, thanks.

♪

♪

♪

[ Laughter ]

Reid:
Look at that.[ Chuckles ]
Hey, guys.

Reid: See it?
-I know you do.
-What's up?
What's up, man?

Hey, Reid, did you
get a chance to tell them

the whole backstory yet
with the sword

and wh-where you got it
and who you got it from?

Wh-What's that?

Dude, Reid,
your sword is so awesome.

Uh-oh.

He doesn't know
the whole backstory.

Oh. Oh! Ohhhhh!

[ Laughter ]

Get this
on the 'gram.

Oh, hell yes.
So sick.

Let's all get a photo
for our Instagram accounts.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

And if -- Reid, if you could
tag me, that would be awesome.

Oh, okay. I'm just gonna --
oh, here we go.

Oh,
I stepped in sh*t.

Oh!
You stepped in dog sh*t!

sh**t.
[ Chuckling ] Oh, no.

-You stepped in sh*t.
-No.

I'm literally stabbing
old dog sh*t.

Oh, my God.
No,
don't do that.

Jaxon sh*t himself.
[ Chuckles ]

Why is it so soft?

Is this animal okay?

Don't do that with the --
[ Chuckles ]

That's really funny,

but that's not --
it's not really for that.

It's an
international artifact.

[ Laughter ]

Dude,
why is it curved?

[ Laughter ]

Ew! Ew!

Unh, unh, unh!

Slice and dice. Aha.

Chad: [ Groans ]

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Chad,
what's wrong?

Chad: Nothing.

It's just man stuff.

I don't want to talk
to you about it. You're a lady.

Honey, you can talk to me
about anything.

I wanna talk
to men only right now.

Please bring me Ikrimah.

I'll bring Hamid.

And Ikrimah.

So, what's up,
young stud?

Give it to us,
men on men.

I need to talk to you guys
about something,

but you have to swear
not to tell my mom.

No questions asked.

Cross my heart
and hope to die.

Ikrimah.

I mean, it depends on
what you tell me.

I can also just leave.

You must stay.

I could never do this
without you.

He's good.
He swears.

Okay, well,
I took my sword to school,

even though
I wasn't supposed to,

and this guy Reid
really liked it,

so I gave him my sword
to keep forever.

No, no, no,
but your dad gave it to you.

I know.
sh**t.

You're making me nervous,
Hamid.

It's okay,
it's okay.

Hey, you could just go
back to school and get it back.

Bingo.

And I think the way to do that
is to tell the truth.

Yes.

Ikrimah,
you're on fire.

You must talk
to this Reid face-to-face.

Approach him,
look him in the eyes,

take his hand gently.

Mm, I don't know about --
I wouldn't take his hand.

Look him in the eyes
and tell him

what the sword means to you
on a personal level.

If he is
a good man,

he will
give you the sword back.

As long
as Ikrimah's on board.

Yeah.

The three of us,
huh?

We are
so same-minded.

This is Lamborghini-level
problem solving.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Alright,
I'm gonna just do it, Peter.

I'm gonna stay cool

and tell him
how much the sword means to me.

I-I believe in you,
buddy.

Just do it
the way we practiced.

Here I go.
Mm.

[ SUV door closes ]

Hey, Reid.

Ah, hey, man.
What's up?

Hi, hi, and hello.

What is up is,
how's your day?

And also,
I was wondering

if I could talk to you
about the sword.

Oh, yeah, the sword.

Yeah, I put up
mad videos last night

and got, like,
triple digits on Instagram.

So it's, like, huge.

Yeah, I-I saw.

It was really cool.

Yeah.
Oh, there it is.

What's your Instagram?
I'll tag you.

Forgot to give you
photo creds.

Sorr-- I'm sorry.
What?

What's your Instagram?

It's, uh, Chad underscore
Amani underscore.

Don't forget
the second underscore.

Yeah,
I-I-I got it.

Can I just make sure
that you didn't forget?

Is that --
is that you?

That's me.

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

Wh-- What was it
you were gonna ask for?

Just gonna say
thank you.

For everything.

Oh.
That's it?

Yep.

And also, just to --
don't forget to have a TGIF.

Thanks.

Enjoy your Wednesday night,
Reid.

Hey, what -- what does TGIF
stand for, again?

Thank God It's Friday.

sh*t. Damn.

Yeah,
I used it wrong.

Dang it.

How'd it go?

Well, he's gonna acknowledge me
on Instagram,

so guess you could say

it was one of the best
conversations of my entire life.

And he's gonna
give you back the sword?

No.
No, he's not.

But I only have one father
in this life,

so we're gonna
have to steal it.

This one's for you,
Babai.

Congratulations.

Chad: If you're here,
you've been picked

to help with
what I call

"Operation
Steal the Sword Back."

First step --

Peter, can you confirm
the car is locked?

[ Door handle rattles ]
It's locked,
sir.

I like that.
I like the "sir."

Everybody,
do that.

Marjorie: I'm sorry.
Do I need to be here?

I feel like
you're acting like

I'm part of
your friend group.

Marjorie,
everyone plays a role,

and you're at the center
of this thing.

We need you
to break into the car.

I don't know
how to break into a car.

What are you
talking about?

Don't you come from
the wrong side of the tracks?

Reid:
Hey, one sec!

Just got to grab my vape
from my car!

sh*t.
Reid's coming back.

Okay,
let's get out of here.

We'll come back when --[ Glass shatters ]

I panicked.

♪

Uh, Chad?

Dude, some dude
just flew into your car.

What the hell?

P-Please.

I'll -- I'll pay
for everything.

Please.

Why are you
in my car?

W-What is wrong
with you?

You broke into
my car.

Wow.
What a freak.

No,
I'm not a freak.

[ Sword clinks ]
Ah!

[ Crying ]
You don't understand.

It's my daddy.

Dude,
are you on meth?
Dude.

Chad:
Shut up!

It's from my daddy.

He told me
to protect it.

No, Chad, your leg.

You need
to go get some help.

It was just a snafu.

No, you're bleeding,
Chad.

Peter, tell them.

Why is it escalating?

Chad.
Oh, my God.

It was just
-a little snafu.
-What's going on?

This kid's
just bleeding to death

and saying "daddy"
and "snafu."

Chad,
it's Charles.

Charles:
Put the sword down,

or I will
have to tackle you.

I don't want
to get tackled.

We love you, Chad.
Just put it down.

I promise --
you put the sword down,

no tackling
will happen.

Okay. Okay.

[ Both grunt ]
All: Oh!

What a roller coaster
we've been on with these pants.

[ Chuckles ]

Guess they're going

where they were
destined to be all along.

Trash.

Chad, this is exactly
what I didn't want to happen.

I'm obviously
getting rid of this.

What?
Mom, no.

This is my lowest point
in my life,

and you're taking my one sword
from my one father?

Come on, Chad.

I shouldn't have let you have it
from the start.

Mom, wait.
Just let me say goodbye.

No, Chad.

Mom.
Stop it.

Oh, my God, Mom.

Just tell him that
you bought the sword already.

And all the other
Dad gifts.

Niki,
can you give us a minute?

Mom,
why would you do that?

[ Sighs ] Chad.

I know.

I --

It's okay.

It doesn't even matter.

No,
let me explain.

Mom, I just already said
it doesn't matter even.

'Cause...
if Dad were here,

he would've
gotten me the sword, right?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. See?

And he is definitely
still really proud of me, right?

He's really
proud of you.

Look, I'm not gonna
take your sword away.

But it is a weapon.

So I'm gonna place it
on this shelf...

...and I'll take it
back down

when you're old enough
to be more responsible.

So, like,
could be tomorrow,

maybe the next day?

Probably a bit further off
than that.

Hey, Mom?
Mm-hmm?

Thank you
for everything.

You're a really great mom
and whatnot.

I love ya,
honey.

Love you, too.

Actually, no.

What the hell
was I thinking?

[ Singing in native language ]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪