02x08 - Maman Bozorg

[bunniefuu]

[

[ Indistinct

[ Indistinct announcements

[ Indistinct announcements
over

[ Indistinct announcements
over PA

[ Indistinct announcements
over PA ]

♪

Chad, she's coming! Get up!
Oh!

Why do Iranians need
a whole-a*s welcome committee

at the airport-- it's like
we're congratulating people

on just riding an airplane.

Chaddy joon,
it's Persian New Year.

Come on.
It's friggin' March.

What kind of calendar
are we even using?

Niki, quick, quick,
get the poster ready.

♪ Gonna see my tracks
on every road in town ♪

♪ Yeah, when I'm an old lady,
I'll still be queen ♪

♪ Just come for a ride
and you'll see what I mean ♪

♪ I'm smokin' the boys,
smokin' the boys ♪

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Hello, hello.

Hamid joon.

[ Speaks in Persian ]

Hi, Grandma!

[ Speaks in Persian ]

Hi, Maman Bozorg,
nowruz mobarak.

[ Speaks in Persian ]

This hug is really long.

Chad, we meet again.

You're my oldest grandson.

I can't wait to hear
how wonderful your life is.

Ahh.

Okay.

♪

'Kay, Grandma, this is my room.

Not sure if you remember it.

Wow, so this is where
the magic happens?

Oh, yeah, I actually practice
magic all throughout the house

but also in this room.

Yep.
Che bahal.

Yeah, so, that's my Xbox
is there.

That's my desk over there--

and the adjoining chair.

That's a rapper
I'm not allowed to listen to.

Those are my pencils.

Those are pretty much
all my little pencils.

Yeah, that's the tour.

Chad joon,
I brought you a present.

Okay.
I love gifts.

What is it?
Guess what it is.

Cash.

It's a cologne.

Oh.
Smell it.

Oh, Christ.

What am I,
an Uber Black driver?

It's fully a man's torso.

Not even in the box.

Okay, I actually really prefer
my natural scent, but thank you.

It's the thought that counts,
I'm told.

You're so welcome.

♪

What's that picture
above your pillow?

Oh, just a cute little pug
in an astronaut suit.

Searching for his little
space bone.

So you're a virgin?

Huh?

You're not having sex.

What are you talking about?

We were just talking
about my little pug.

Sex?
Stop saying sex.

You're sitting
so close to me.

It's funny.

After five years,
I thought you'd be

more of a man by now.

So is your grandma here
to celebrate

the Chaharshanbe Suri holiday?

She is, indeed.

She is truly disrupting
all my little daily rituals.

And now all these random
Persian cousins

are going to come
to see her.

I-I don't know
these people.

Ah, fun.
I wish I had cousins.

What's Chaharshanbe Suri?

Oh, it's part of Nowruz.

Iranian people like
to celebrate the new year

by jumping over fire
as a symbol of rebirth.

I-I just wish Persian people
had one holiday

about
passing out candy.

White people have,
like, three!

Yeah, Chad's never been able
to jump over the fire.

Peter, there is absolutely
no need

for you to be a little
goblin gossip right now.

Okay? I-I can jump over fire
just fine.

O-Okay, sorry, partner.

Do you know, like, any
Europeans that would be chill

selling to minors?

No, nothing.

Sorry, I said something
and it made Peter laugh

and la-laughter's contagious
so I'm just laughing now.

[ Forced laugh ]

What are you guys
talking about?

We're just trying to figure out
a way

to get alcohol
for the party tonight.

What about your older brother?
Could he get us some?

Oh, nah, he, like,
got all spiritual,

and now he
doesn't drink anymore.

What? Lame!
[ Chuckles ]

I'm just kidding.

I love God.

I pray to him all the time.

Her.
I pray to her all the time.

I'm so bummed, I was really
looking forward

to my first American party.

I'll br-bring it.

Wait, what?

I-I'll bring the alcohol
to the party.

You can, like, get enough,
though, by tonight?

Sure can.

Because it's okay
if you can't.

I can.
Yeah.

I'll just call
my alcohol dealer.

I mean,
whatever you got to do.

He's awesome.

Ricard.
He'll hook us up.

Well, I guess
I'll see you tonight then?

You sure will.

Okay.
I love our plans.

I can't wait to see them unfold.

Alright, bro, see you later.

See ya.

I-I already did you.

Do either of you have alcohol?

Aww...
Come on, just mixers?!

[ Doorbell chimes ]

And the chaos ensues.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

[ Speaks in Farsi ]
Hello, Chaddy joon!

Chaddy joon, Chaddy joon!

Have we met before?

[ Munching loudly ]

Okay, a man just straight
chowing down on a cucumber.

Hey, Hamid, oh, my gosh.

I'm loving all the little
Nowruz sea creatures and garlic,

but what if the adults
want alcohol after dinner?

Should we get a keg?
Oh, I'm a lightweight.

I can barely stand
after a hard kombucha.

You should get that looked at.

There's no beer in there.

W-What? No, I-I don't--

I'm not looking for beer.

I'm looking for...

this.

Doogh?

Yep, carbonated
yogurt water

with peppermint flavor.

Yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum.

I'm not so old that I have
forgotten what happens

in high school.

Do you even
drink alcohol?

Well, it's not technically
legal in Iran,

but yes, constantly.

Whoa.
Now you know my little secret.

Tell me yours.

Okay, well, I promised
this girl kind of that

I would bring alcohol to the
party at Joey's house tonight.

And you like this girl?
I dunno...

Yeah, she's French,
she's Persian,

she got a lot of
different things going on.

I'll get you the alcohol.

What, you will?

I need to pick up a few things
from the store.

I could use
a strong man.

If you help me,
I will get alcohol for you.

Oh, my gosh,
Grandma, thank you.

Wow, I honestly
did not anticipate

this level of support.

Naz joon, Chad is going with me
to the Persian market,

then I'll drop him
at his friend's place.

What? No!
We're having a party here!

It's okay 'cause this holiday
doesn't really resonate with me,

so I won't be here.

Chaddy joon, if you're still
too scared

to jump over the fire,
no one will make you do it.

I'm not scared, Hamid.

You hid in the bathroom
all last year.

Niki, it's fire!
It's unpredictable!

Oh, my gosh, Mom, please?

Well, I guess I can't
argue with Maman Bozorg.

You two have fun.
Perfect.

Yes!
I'll go get my purse then.

[ Speaks in Farsi ]

[ Crunch ]
Is that a new cucumber?

♪

Yep, yes.

[ Muttering indistinctly ]
Oh, good.

[ Muttering indistinctly ]

What are you doing in there?

I'm currently deep in a
Danish pastry TikTok k-hole.

But, Grandma, I think my mom
usually hits

the alcohol aisle first.

Your mother works so hard.

You should do more for her.

Oh, I-I give her a purpose
to live.

What more do you want than that?

Out of the cart.

You're getting too big for this.

[ Speaks in Farsi ]

I'm buried under pistachios,
Grandma.

♪

Chad, an Iranian man
always knows

how to get
the freshest meat.

Cool.

[ Speaks in Farsi ]

Uh, c-- Hi, can you
hook us up with some meat?

No, I don't want him to cut it.
I want you to.

Grandma, you can't just walk
in here

and start cutting up
their lambs.

We're not at the freaking bazaar
in "Aladdin."

[ Speaks in Farsi ]

You guys!
We're in America!

Children don't cut
their own meat!

♪

Oh, my God.

Poor little guy.

I'm so sorry!

[ Whack! ]

[ Chad wailing ]

♪

Mmm...

Chad, are you
watching this?

Nah.

[ Indistinct announcements
over PA ]

[ Rapping ]

Trash.

I don't get what
gently slapping them

is going to tell you.

They're all watermelons.

[ Rapping ]

♪

Grandma, c-can we get
the alcohol and go already?

Listen! The sound!
[ Thudding ]

It's perfect!
Okay.

Hold on to it.
I'll be right back.

A-alright, I-I'm just--

Grandma, please.

I'm just in a huge rush
right now.

Oh, no.

She's touching mine.

I don't know what to do,
she's touching my--

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, that's okay.

Uh, ma'am, I'm so sorry.
This is my watermelon.

It's okay.

You're incredibly strong,
but please don't do this.

[ Grunting ]

I keep it.

Can I please take it?

♪

My God, she had one hell
of a grip on her, that woman.

I don't even know what the hell
just happened.

Well, go get it back.

What?
Get it back?

G-Grandma, she's well
into her hundreds

and she's not returning
that melon.

Let it go!
No!

You're gonna let people
walk all over you?

Man up and go get it back.

Please don't make me go back and
have an interaction with her.

That was very tense.

Alright.
Fine.

Let's go.
I'll take you to your party.

Okay, what about the alcohol?

You didn't earn it.

What?
No, you promised me.

I can't show up to Joey's house
empty-handed.

I survived three wars
and a revolution.

And you don't even seem
to be surviving high school.

Hmm.
[ Scoffs ]

I'm sorry your life
is so stressful!

I-I'm having much
bigger problems!

[ Cellphone chimes ]

♪

Oh, my God...

♪

Thank you so much
for the ride.

[ Bottles clanking ]

I don't know why
you're pulling over.

We're not there yet.

What are you doing?
Don't take my back--

Don't take my backpack!

Grandma!

Grandma!
Grandma, you're scaring me.

[ Speaks in Farsi ]

Wow!

[ Speaks in Farsi ]

I love you, so please don't take
this the wrong way,

but you're acting like a--
[ Speaks in Farsi ]

A little b*tch.
What?

How are you going to be a man
if you're scared of everything?

You're scared of jumping
over fire,

you're scared of the boys
in your class,

you're scared of an old woman
with a watermelon.

God, you-- you can't just
show up every five years

and rip me to shreds!

What are you doing?!
Oh, my God!

Why can't you just be a normal,
nice grandma

who bakes me
chocolate chip cookies?

That's what you do
for a 7-year-old.

I'm trying to teach you
how to be an Iranian man.

I'm not an Iranian man!

I'm an American boy!

Ooh, great then.

If you're a boy, you don't need
any of this either.

Stop it.
Stop it!

No!

Stop it!

No, stop!

Oh, God!

What's wrong with you?

Pathetic.

You want loose rosé?

[ Wailing ]

[

[ Indistinct

[ Indistinct chatter

[ Indistinct chatter ]

♪

Sh...

♪

Excuse me.
Hey!

Hey-hey!
The party has arrived.

Yo, you finally showed up.

What are we drinking,
you maniac?

Uh, dude, yeah, totally.

Um, before we get lit,

just wanna manage
some expectations.

I did bring alcohol.
Hey!

It is gonna be more of
a sharing situation,

if that's cool.

Just, it's fine.

Hey, what the hell is this?

Uh, this is the alcohol
I promised you.

In a bag?
Yeah, dawg.

Oh, there we go.

Great.

Some-- oh, you guys can totally
continue chitchatting

while I'm doing this.

Dude, what's with this long,
wet-a*s receipt?

sh*t, is that blood
on your polo?

Oh, yeah.
It's from a lamb.

Hey, you guys,
I don't want anyone to worry

about trying to pay me back.

Where's the rest of it, man?

The rest of what?

Uh, the rest of the alcohol.

Oh, I did bring a can

for when we run out of
the bag.

So... [Laughs]

We have that
to look forward to.

Are you guys excited
to dri-- get drunk?

On this?
Yeah, let's do it.

Let's fire up
some shots of rosé.

Dude, is this a joke?
You brought one can of rosé

and a wet bag of-- I don't
even know what this is!

It's got, like,
cilantro chunks in it?

Dude, you had one job.
Bro, we only invited you 'cause

you said you'd bring alcohol,
and you didn't even do that.

Why would you say
you can get alcohol

if you can't get alcohol?
Yeah, just get outta here, Chad.

Okay, I'm sorry.

[ Sighs ]

I-It was actually really hard.

To get that.

Fine.

You are so lame.

♪

I'm lame?

I'm lame, Theo?

Joey, what did you guys
contribute

to the gathering, huh?

Pretty sure you all
brought freaking Solo cups

with ginger ale.

Guess what-- we all have
access to ginger ale.

It's a drink for children
with tummy aches.

Did you bring alcohol?
Did you bring alcohol?

What about you, Marcy?
Did you bring alcohol?

I'm pretty sure you didn't.

I-I brought more alcohol
than all y'all sons of b*tches.

Okay? I can see you staring
at me, Jonny.

Kiss my high and tight
plump little butt, b*tch!

I didn't even say anything.

You didn't even need
to say anything!

I can see you staring at me
fully losing it

in front of you guys.

And I don't even care because
I'm not afraid of you anymore.

And I'm sorry I'm not
some 25-year-old

Wall Street hot shot with access
to a big jug of bourbon

on the rocks or whatever!

I-I worked freaking hard
to get that alcohol!

I burned bridges with
an old woman

I'm related to!

Okay?
And you know what?

That's my can!

You don't even get to drink it!

♪

Oh, God, rosé's disgusting.

[ Chuckles ]

♪

Chad!

Chad, oh, my God,
that was so cool!

It was?
What did I do back there?

You lit into
those dorks.

It was--
It was awesome.

Sometimes you got to
stand up for yourself.

Where are you going?

To a real party.

Can I come with you?

So you were just going to have
a Persian party

at your house
and not invite me?

Well, I wasn't totally sure
where we were at.

Well, I'm here,

am I not?

[ Speaks in Farsi ]

Damn.
United Nations over here.

I didn't understand a word
you just said.

[ Speaks in Farsi ]

I see she's more fluent
than you.

Yeah!
She is.

Um, Grandma,

I'm really sorry about earlier.

I lost my little mind.

[ Speaks in Farsi ]

Things happen.

You guys are just in time.

I'm about to light
the bonfire.

Oh, I can do it!

You're sure?

Yeah.
I want to.

Of course,
you should do it.

You're the man
of the house.

Yeah. I'm not sure if
you guys do

the jumping-over-fire thing
in France,

but it's kind of big here--
spring, rebirth,

renewal...
Spring.

Perfect!
Shall we?

Let's do it.
Okay.

Let's do it, let's do it,
let's do it.

[ Speaks in Farsi ]

♪

[ Speaks in Farsi ]

Are you sure you're ready
for this?

I will fake a stroke right now
if you need me to.

No, Hamid, I'm ready.

You inspire me.

Okay, here comes Chaddy,

and he's a big jumper!

[ Cheering and applause ]

Here I go!
I'm jumping over fire!

[ Cheering and applause ]
Oh, what a rush!

[ Laughs ]
Wow, that was awesome.

That must be what it's like
to be on micro-doses.

You nailed it, Chad.
Thanks.

Watch me get all c*ck now.

Oh, oh, ah, ah!

Oh, my God!
Ah, I'm on fire!

I'm on fire!
Oh, oh!

Chad, are you okay?

In the chillest way possible,

can we call an ambulance?

♪

There's a dog on me!

[ Man singing in
native language ]

♪