01x06 - Beef

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, gentlemen.

We are officially beginning

launch sequence for Condor 4

rocket simulator.

How's the weather

out there, Cap?

We are good-- weather is

excellent for launch.

[chuckles] Good thing you

didn't pack your umbrella.

[chuckles]

Copy that.

Chris, you want to chime in

on any of this?

It would be great

to have your feedback here.

Confirming it's a beautiful day.

Cap, how's the visuals

out there? Over.

I'll tell you what, we got

one gorgeous Condor 4 rocket

standing by

on the launchpad.

[Rook]

Permission to arm boosters.

[Skip]

And approved.

Rocket booster armed.

Launch sequence beginning

in T-minus nine,

-eight,

-nine,

-seven,

-eight,

-six, five--

-seven,

-let's give the same thing--

-six,

-four

-five

-five, four

-Stand by. Let's synch up.

-[Skip] Abort. Abort.

-three

-Stand by, Cap.

-We're not doing ten?

I'm gonna count down

"three, two, one,"

and then we go

"nine, eight,

-seven." I'm gonna count--

-Just press it.

No, we are not

gonna just press it.

[Rook]

On my command,

-and then we begin the "ni--"

-V, V, Victor, V, V, zero.

[Cap] Victor-Victor-Victor-

Henry-Zero.

Preflight launch codes

initiated.

Okay, beginning

from "three, two, one."

-Launching.

-No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah!

And she's up!

-Oh, oh, ooh

-No, no!

Ooh!

We've lost Condor 4!

It's right here.

-Christopher hit his knee.

-No, I'm fine.

We're gonna have

you looked at.

I'm fine. Seriously.

upbeat music

[Rook]

Look-look here. See that?

Looks like someone forgot

to adjust the left stabilizer.

[groans] So, it looks

like somebody forgot

to adjust the left stabilizer.

-Well, live and learn.

-[chuckling]

-Exactly. Live and learn.

-That's what Christopher

-is always talking about. Yeah.

-I was just about to say that.

All right, so let's do

an action team.

-Let's figure out what happened.

-Oh, I, um, I got to get going.

They're picking me up in,

like, an hour.

Oh. It's that late? Yeah.

You're shipping out,

-aren't you?

-I know.

-It was great to meet you guys.

-Oh, good to meet you.

Yeah. I would've missed looking

you in the eye, that's for sure.

-Yeah.

-Come here.

Oh, all right. Short but sweet,

short but sweet.

-All right.

-Chris. Up here, bud.

-Yeah.

-All right.

That guy was just

here for a week.

-We've been up here 535 days.

-535?

No, no.

I've been keeping count.

It's 643, including today.

[Rook]

No, no. Definitely over 600,

but we're not that high.

-It's not over 600.

-But we started in June,

and we're in August now.

You're counting two Augusts.

-30 days hath September,

-Mm

-always remember

-[Rook] It doesn't matter.

The point is, we've been here

way too long.

I mean, look

at all the other people

that have come through here--

Alisha-- how long was she here?

Three days?

Christopher went up.

Andy went up.

The guy from Germany,

uh Ralph?

-What was it, Rowlf? Ralph?

-Rowlf.

I thought he was n

not a good pick.

I thought he was great.

I mean, everyone's talking

about going to the next level.

When are we gonna go

to the next level?

-Maybe we're never going up.

-Guys

take a big fat chill pill,

with this kind

of attitude.

Of course

we're going up to the Moon.

Well, I don't think it would be

out of bounds to write to NASA

and request some clarity.

So, you want to poke the bear?

I don't want to poke the bear.

I just want to sort of send

a little reminder--

Ah, you write

an unsolicited letter to NASA,

you're poking the bear, and

if you're gonna poke the bear,

you better be ready to really

get that bear's attention.

Got to jab that bear.

-Dear NASA

-"Dear NASA"?

What is this,

a love letter?

Hit 'em. "To whom it may

concern," exclamation point.

[Rook] You don't need

an explanation point there.

You just you either put

a colon or a comma.

-Hey.

-No.

-What are you up to?

-Hmm.

That's too soft.

Be direct,

at least.

Uh, okay.

We are

demanding-- and in parenthesis--

[high-pitched]

Sorry.

-Why do you?

-An update on our status.

-There you go.

-On our status.

-[hooves rumbling]

-Is that, uh You see that

-[neighing]

-Looks like

-horses out there.

-What?

[hooves rumbling,

automatic g*nf*re]

Oh, yeah, we got

armed riders out there.

Uh, clean that up

and send it, will you?

Hello.

-[neighing]

-Come on out.

[chuckles]

What is it, Halloween?

That's your costume?

You're trick-or-treating

or what?

-Hey, boys.

-[g*nf*re]

-What are you doing?

-Easy, Kyle.

-Cool down, boy.

-[laughs] Sorry, boss.

Afternoon, gentlemen.

-Hello.

-We help you?

You're on our land, mister.

-I need you to clear out.

-[Cap] You guys are actually

on federal land right now.

This is a very valuable

NASA research project.

I don't think so,

Moon man.

Here's a map. Read it.

We're gonna have

a cattle run through here

in a couple of days,

and I'm gonna tell you

what's gonna happen.

250,000 head of cattle

gonna come up that road

right there, and they

gonna be whooped up,

and they gonna

start a stampede.

So I suggest

you clear the hell out.

[Cap]

Excuse me, sir.

We've worked very hard,

just recently

-moving the base--

-Well, if you'd left

your dumb base where it was,

we'd have no problem.

-But you're in our way now.

-[Kyle] Yeah!

-We're not armed.

-[Rook] Stop sh**ting!

-Why is he firing a g*n?

-Kyle!

-[Cap] Are you hit?

-I'm not hit, no.

-He's firing into the air.

-Am I hit?

No, you're clean.

[T-Boy] If anything

happens to this herd,

you break it,

you bought it.

If you ain't got any cash

to pay for it

we'll figure out

some other method of payment.

What's that supposed to mean?

-This is scientific.

-It was a threat.

Hyah! Clear out, boys!

[Kyle]

See you, boys! Hyah!

-[Cap] What do we got?

-These coordinates. Let's see.

Yeah, we moved the base

right onto their land

and the cattle pass.

sh*t! [sighs]

I mean, should we tell NASA

about the ranchers?

No! We just sent them a nasty

letter about a status update!

Now we're gonna tell them

we have cow troubles?

They're never gonna let us

go to the Moon.

Well, can we rewrite the letter?

No, we sent it!

Well, maybe we

should move the base.

I mean, we should just go back

to our original location, no?

-No, no, no, we're not moving!

-No way.

That move almost k*lled me!

And the stupid cattle drive's

in 48 hours!

I think we should just

abandon the base

and just get out of here.

-[exasperated grunt]

-[Rook] You guys,

we are sitting ducks here,

do you understand that?

If we hurt one of their cows

with our equipment out there,

they're gonna come to you with

that M16. [imitates g*nf*re]

[imitates g*nf*re]

No, no, no, no!

Calm down!

We got to Just give me

a second to think!

suspenseful music,

growing louder

[yells]

[insects trilling]

[Rook]

Cap? You okay, man?

Hey, Rook.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Have a seat.

You're not wearing

your helmet.

Yeah, I know.

You can take yours off

if you want.

You sure?

Eh, doesn't matter.

Come up with

any good ideas, Cap?

No.

I'm just sitting here looking up

at what might have been.

I moved us.

That's on me.

Tomorrow, we'll call it in

and pack it up.

[scoffs]

Then it's back

to Honolulu for me

and a world of debt.

[chuckles]

Back to passing out

airsick bags

to tourists on a chopper.

Well, it's been a pleasure

to get to know you.

We'll keep in touch.

Nah, we won't.

I'm a lone wolf, Rook.

One heck of a ride.

You a crescent man

or a full moon freak?

I guess I'll take her

any way she comes.

-Hmm.

-Try to stay away from

the full moon, though, right,

with all the curses and evil?

Yeah, that's, uh

that's make-believe, Rook.

[chuckles]

Maybe. We'll see.

Mm-hmm.

Man, I always said

the first place I'd go

when I got up there

was Cribbit's Peak.

-[chuckles]

-And then Armstrong's Ridge.

Yep.

But you can't always get

what you want.

-[chuckles]

-Just like the Beatles said.

Can't always get

what you want, but all

what you need is

all you need is love

or something like that.

I don't know

how the rest of it goes.

somber music

[muttering]

-What's with him?

-Cap's calling it.

We're heading out.

Tomorrow, we pack up

and go home.

-What?

-Yeah.

Oh, man.

-Yep.

-[sighs]

I'm glad my father

isn't alive to see this.

Oh, Skip, you know he's looking

down on us, knowing that we made

the right decision,

even though it was a tough one.

Oh, well. I guess

I'll just go back to JPL,

back to tracking satellites.

Bet you they'll put me

on the graveyard shift,

which I don't mind.

Give me a chance to work

on that screenplay.

-Really?

-Mm-hmm. About this experience.

Oh, really?

Is this gonna become a movie?

-Mm-hmm.

-Hey, make sure my character

doesn't swear, all right?

Actually,

I was thinking of combining

you and Cap's parts together.

-That's one character.

-Oh.

Well, if you end up

casting somebody for me,

maybe we could think of somebody

a little better-looking than me.

-[laughs]

-Brad Pitt or something.

-Dax Shepard.

-We'll see.

-Hey, that's up to someone else.

-Mm-hmm.

You know? I just want to write

a screenplay, get it done,

-get it out there.

-Well, you know, uh,

the move is you write the memoir

first, and then you get somebody

to translate that

into a screenplay.

Seems like that's just

an extra step.

Why don't I just write

a screenplay?

Well, you're the expert.

I'll let you make

those decisions.

Either way,

I'll be praying for you, Skip.

I'm gonna hit the sack.

-I'll see you tomorrow.

-See you tomorrow.

Uh, it's too bad

your brains

couldn't get us

out of this mess.

Would've made a good ending

for your movie.

somber music

[sighs]

[bull bellowing]

[Cap]

Hey, Skip.

What's up?

Hey. Have a seat.

We're not gonna give up.

Look, Skip,

we're out of options.

It's over.

I've got another idea.

I have a question for you.

Just off the top of your head.

-You know bulls, right?

-Yeah.

They're mean animals.

But like anything, they're

afraid of something, right?

-Mm-hmm.

-Don't you think?

What might they be afraid of?

A bull?

Oh. Well, butchers.

Butchers, yes. Why?

-Because they cut them up

-They don't want Yeah.

and they k*ll them and stuff.

Like, they don't want

people k*lling them. Cap.

Children who are noisy.

Noisy children?

Noisy children, sure.

Well, let's just say "noises."

-Yes.

-Leather manufacturers.

All right, so do you think

How would a bull recognize,

uh, a leather plant

or a leather factory?

You remember the cartoon where

you have the tailor come out

to the-the farm with and-and

put out the measuring tape?

I never in my life

have seen a cartoon

where they were measuring

for a leather jacket.

What-what cartoon was that?

I don't know.

Uh, it was in the comics.

I'm not gonna write down

"a leather manufacturer." Yes.

Uh, shoe manufacturers?

-Shoes-shoes are leather, so

-Right. But, Cap,

now you're kind of

just going with Rook, right?

You're just adding to his idea.

[exhales]

Cap. You can put

your arm down.

Um, red. The color red.

Red. Why? You're thinking

of a matador, right?

-In Spain?

-Yeah.

Here's a little fact.

Bulls don't see

the color red.

What?

It's not the color.

It's the movement of the cape.

hypnotic music

We've got this herd

of cattle, right?

What we want to do

is what a matador does.

Do we have anything

that creates noise and movement?

A big noise?

Our Condor model rockets.

-[Cap] Hmm.

-Explosions. Noise.

-Okay.

-Creating a diver

sity.

-Diversity.

-Diversion.

-We are creating a diversion.

-Oh.

If we explode one

right here,

they go around.

Then what?

Launch number two right here.

It scares them, they keep going

down around the base.

How are we gonna know

the herd is coming our way?

It has to be timed perfectly

if it's gonna work.

The drone.

Cap, you think you can fly it?

If it's got a propeller,

I can get her airborne.

I'm not saying

it's gonna be pretty,

but I can get her up there.

[Rook] Drone provides

a bird's-eye view.

-Smart.

-[Skip] Right.

We are not damaged,

and the cattle are safe.

I think this is gonna work.

Let's get those rockets set up.

upbeat music

Hey, Cap, you get

the hang of that drone?

Well, she's no Twin Huey,

but she'll do.

[chuckles]

Okay. We're all set.

[Rook]

Now what?

-[Cap grunts]

-Now we wait.

Here you go.

-[Skip] Cheers.

-Got to be honest,

I'm feeling a little nervous.

[Cap] You know what we do in

the military when we're nervous?

We listen to psych-up music.

And I think that's

something we should start

thinking about

right now.

[Rook] You mean, like,

a little soundtrack

-for the big mission tomorrow.

-Exactly.

What kind of music are we gonna

want to be listening to

during the mission

that's gonna give us the courage

and the blind fury

to get this done?

We should do something

kind of orchestral, you know?

Like a film score,

like a Wagner or Beethoven.

[Cap] The best thing

for me is urgent,

driving music.

-You know?

-Like what? Wh-What's--

[mimicking heavy drumbeat]

You know, you'd be surprised

how kind of heavy

some of the Christian rock gets.

What about, like, just

some squanky free jazz?

You know? Just

[high-pitched scatting]

That music makes me

feel uncomfortable. The--

What about Spanish rock?

-You know?

-Spanish rock?

[mimicking upbeat guitar riff]

[singing in Spanish]

Well, as long as

it doesn't distract

-from the mission, right?

-Right.

Yeah. And the mission is,

get those cows

away from our base.

somber, suspenseful music

[insects chirping]

[wind whistling]

[clears throat]

[sniffles]

[low rumble]

[rumbling continues]

The cows! The cows!

They're coming!

-What?

-What's he saying?

He said something

about the cows.

Oh, they're too early.

No, they're not early.

They're here!

[Rook]

They can't be here already.

-Are you kidding?

-Get your comms on, guys.

Let's go.

It's go time.

Whoever promised you

a rose garden was lying.

All right, starting

music playlist now.

-[heavy music playing]

-Turn it up, please.

-Turning up.

-[volume increases]

All right, let's get

that drone up.

Yep, on it.

And we are up, uh

Where are my cows?

Where are my cow?

There you are.

All right, I've got visual

confirmation of the herd

500 meters out.

Stand by.

Can we skip

this track? Confirm.

Can we skip this track?

I like the bass, but

-No, skip it. Skip it. Skip it.

-Okay. Skipping.

[upbeat, Spanish-language

music plays]

Look at them charging.

Holy cow.

No pun intended.

[Rook] Can I get a tally?

I would like to officially

skip this song.

It's driving me nuts.

If you're not inspired

by the song, skip it.

-Advancing track.

-[horns play chaotic riff]

No. That sucks.

[Wagner's "Ride of

the Valkyries" plays]

Stay frosty, boys.

300 meters and closing.

-Arm those rockets.

-Arming rockets.

[Cap]

They're coming in hot, guys.

Here we go.

[Cap] Five meters out.

Take the shot!

-Not yet!

-I'm telling you,

we're within five meters!

Now! Launch!

-Rocket One, fire away!

-[beep]

Visual confirmation.

Rocket One away.

-[Rook whoops]

-[Cap] Yeah, they are reacting.

Oh, they did not like that.

Turning to the right.

[Skip]

Fire Rocket Two.

Rocket Two, fire away.

[Cap]

Rocket Two away!

They are continuing

their turn.

-Yes! [claps]

-You see that curve?

Don't celebrate just yet.

-Advancing track.

-[pop rock plays]

Do we like this track?

I need a quick vote.

[Cap]

I like I like the beat.

It's a great melody. Hold on.

She's My Disney princess

What is this song?

I don't know it.

I don't I didn't put this on.

You put this on.

Yeah, not my favorite.

You got any rockabilly?

-I'm hitting "shuffle"!

-[classical music plays]

All right, couple more.

Uh, fire rocket again.

Rocket Three, fire!

-Nope.

-What?

No. No Rocket Three.

Malfunction.

-Resetting trigger!

-[beeping]

-Rook, please fire.

-I'm firing!

I'm hitting the fire!

-Rook, fire it!

-I'm firing!

-It's not working!

-They're turning back!

-Check the Come on!

-Let's go!

lively, suspenseful music

Fire!

Fire? Fire!

-Yeah, Three's away.

-Yes!

-Is it holding?

-It's working, it's working.

-They're diverting.

-Come on!

-They're diverting.

-One more to go. Whoa.

Oh, wow, they are

right outside the base.

-Whoa, we are in the eye.

-Oh-oh, my goodness.

-We are in the eye!

-I know that.

-We're in it!

-Whoa-h*-h*!

It's like an earthquake.

Do not change

your mind, cows.

-All right, guys!

-Keep going!

All right,

we need that last rocket.

We need that tap on the a*s.

Last rocket standing by.

Give me the order, Skip.

[rumbling, mooing]

No, whenever you want.

Firing at will!

[beep, whoosh]

-Away!

-And there's a tap on the a*s!

[mooing, rumbling continue]

-Cap, visuals.

-We're good.

-We're good. They're gone!

-[whooping]

They're gone!

-[Skip] We're fine?

-We're clear!

-Skip! Cap, you saved the base!

-We did it!

[laughter]

Skip, you beautiful b*stard!

[loud clattering]

What the heck was that?

-What?

-Oh, man.

-Are you kidding me?

-[sighs]

Are you kidding me?

-He broke the whole wall.

-[Rook] sh**t!

-Is that one of their cows?

-Yes, it's one of their cows.

It's not one of our cows.

-You got to get out of here.

-Got to get out of here. Shoo!

-Come on, girl.

-They come back and find

that we've been harboring

a cow, we're in deep trouble.

-Yeah.

-Will you please leave?

Tsh, tsh!

-[whistling]

-Ooh, git, ooh.

Tsh, tsh!

Tsh, tsh, tsh, tsh, tsh.

[Cap] Should I just try

to push her out?

[Rook]

You can try.

Are those ranchers

around?

[straining]

[Rook]

That's about two tons

you're trying

to move there, Cap.

-Yeah.

-Let me double up on you.

[straining]

-She's just a heavy cow.

-Yeah, yeah.

Can't get her.

Can't get her to turn.

-Look at this. It's a mess.

-[Rook] Listen, I don't see

any cowboys right now,

so for now we're safe.

We have a cow now.

I guess. Yeah.

Let's fix up that wall.

Yeah, we got to repair

all of that.

atmospheric music

[birds chirping]

[Cap]

Any sign of those ranchers?

No.

[grunts, exhales]

Is that cow still

in the greenhouse?

Yeah. You should hear what

Rook wants to do with it, too.

-Yeah?

-Where's Cap?

Cap? Hey! Cap.

I know what to do with that cow.

Okay, calm down.

I'm right here.

That out there is a milk cow,

a real heifer.

-Really?

-It's got an udder full of milk.

How can you tell?

She's got the-the little

n*pples, the little teats.

You just got to

squeeze on the nips,

and you get some

fresh, hot milk.

-Mmm.

-I think this is a blessing.

I think the Lord sent that cow.

Wait a second.

You're saying

we keep this cow?

-Yes, and milk her. For milk.

-[Skip] It seems crazy.

I mean, if those cowboys come

back, they're going to k*ll us.

I don't know.

Finders keepers.

That's the law of the land.

Yeah, and she's

in the greenhouse.

You can't even see her

from the road.

[Cap]

And once she's done

giving us milk,

we use her for meat.

Get some nice,

juicy steaks

-out of that cow.

-I don't know about that.

You think you can get some milk

out of those teats?

-I can try.

-Go on.

I'm gonna go squirt her.

Do we have any A.1.?

Can't have steak

without A.1.

I'm trying to work out.

- gentle piano music

-[Cap] Wow!

-Hey, guys.

-Look at that!

-Look at you!

-[Rook chuckles]

-Farmer Rook!

-[laughing]

Look at this old girl.

Your friends

just left you here, huh?

Forgot all about you,

just like NASA forgot about us.

Well, I'm getting a full gallon

out of her today, guys.

-[Cap] Yeah?

-Yeah, I'm thinking

about calling her Queenie.

What do you think of that?

-Queenie. Nice.

-I like it.

Just don't get too attached,

'cause once she dries up,

we're getting

some good meat out of her.

-[moos]

-I wouldn't get too attached

to that idea, Cap.

We're

She's a milk cow, and

I think she's gonna be giving us

milk for years to come.

gentle orchestral music

[Cap]

I got to say, Rook,

that is definitely better

than the powdered stuff.

[chuckles] Just nothing

quite like the real thing.

And next week,

steak and eggs!

Well, I don't know

about that.

-[automatic g*nf*re]

-[Rook yells]

[g*nf*re stops]

[whimpers]

[horse whinnies]

Oh. There they are.

Come on.

Hey!

[chuckles]

It looks like you boys

survived the stampede.

-Well

-Yeah.

-Yeah, we just got lucky.

-I guess so.

[chuckling]

Only trouble, though, is

we seem to be missing

one of our cows.

-What?!

-Huh.

We did our inventory,

and, uh,

seems we came up

one short.

Do they sometimes eat their own?

'Cause the herd

could have consumed one.

Well, let me pull out

my computer tablet

and see where CC-3897-B is.

-Let me see that.

-[T-Boy chuckles]

-[T-Boy] Our cows are chipped.

-Uh-huh.

[computer beeping]

-Look at that red beeping light.

-[Cap] Oh.

It looks like

we're standing on it.

Well, maybe the chip fell out.

Why don't we, uh, spread out

-and see if we can find it.

-[Skip] Might have you

put the chip on the horse

by mistake,

-'cause it's an animal?

-[T-Boy whistling]

Why are you whistling?

[crashing nearby]

I don't

Why is he whistling, Cap?

[T-Boy]

Well, well.

[mooing]

-There she is right there.

-[Rook] Oh, sh**t.

-There she is. You got her.

-[T-Boy] You boys

don't have no chip, do you?

-[Rook] No, sir.

-[Skip] No.

I mean, if you got lost,

wouldn't nobody be able

to find you.

No.

Um, could we have

just one second? Uh

-J.T., sh**t 'em.

-[Cap] No, no, no!

-No, no, no, no!

-Please, please, please, please!

-Please don't-don't sh**t!

-I don't want to die!

-[sobbing]

-I don't want to die!

It was his idea

to move the base!

It was your idea

to take the damn cow!

-No, it wasn't!

-Don't you even!

-I--

-Don't you even!

All right, all right,

I'm not gonna sh**t you.

But get your playpen

off of our land.

You got one week.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, you heard the man!

Get this playpen out of here.

Let's get to work!

lively music

All right, that's the last

of the light fixtures.

Yeah, putting everything back

to its original spot.

Guys, we just got

a supply pod from NASA

marked "high priority."

Ooh, that could be

what we're waiting for, Cap.

[computer beeps]

[project manager]

Attention, Moonbase 8.

We received your inquiry, and

it's clear you have concerns.

See? I told you,

you poke the bear,

the bear pays attention.

While we can't provide

a timetable

for your arrival on the Moon,

we are proud to announce

you have been awarded NASA's

highest uniform classification:

-Stratus Class Red.

-Wow.

Please find enclosed

in the latest delivery.

-Whoa!

-Hey! Wow!

-Look at these!

-That's you right there.

-That's you.

-There's my name!

[Skip]

Wow!

-[Cap] Wow.

-Geez, these are great.

[sniffs]

-Guys, we're Stratus Class.

-Beautiful.

This is real satin.

Is it reversible?

I think it's not.

Look at this zipper.

I can just see myself

strutting through Waikiki.

This and a pair of shorts?

Feel like I want to do a little

doo-wop dance

or something with it.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh

For the longest time

Whoa, oh, oh

For the longest

If you said goodbye

To me tonight

Ooh, ooh, ooh

There would still be

Music left to write

Ah, ah, ah

What else could I do

[radio static, beeping]

Inspired by you

That hasn't happened

For the longest time

-[beep]

-[music stops]

[wind whistling over speaker]

atmospheric music