I want you to tell me
a story...
but not a real story.
Altered. Ridiculous.
Fantastical.
Woman: It's called
immersion therapy.
We use it with people who are
suffering from OCD and PTSD.
If you consistently confront
what happened to you
in funny and crazy ways,
when it comes up again,
you're less likely to
panic about it.
OK.
[Sighs]
It's 5:27 a.m.
I remember 'cause
I hated working at Starbucks
and I looked at
the clock every 2 minutes
begging for my shift to end,
or for a robber to come in
and blow my brains out.
It was weird.
There was no one in the store
that morning, which I mean,
it was before the morning
rush, but there's usually
like 1 or 2 people,
and in comes this guy
in a deep-purple tracksuit
looking like some
Eastern-European gangster.
It was raining, not pouring--
just enough water to make
his hair like the good
kind of wet, you know.
And he had, like,
this perpetual
5:00 shadow thing
going on.
And I could tell that his
mind was somewhere else.
So I ask him, "Is there a
jewelry convention in town?"
And he was like, "What? No."
And I'm like, "Oh, OK."
And then he's like,
"Can I get a black coffee?"
And I'm like, "OK."
So, I get him his black
coffee, and he's like,
"Why did you ask me about
the jewelry thing?"
And I'm like,
"Because of your tracksuit."
And he's like, "Oh, I'm on
my way to a hip-hop class."
And I'm like,
"That's not a real thing."
And he's like, "OK."
And he pays and he leaves.
So, I finish my shift and I
go home and I take a nap
before my catering job
that night.
I was bartending at this,
like, old boys club event--
I don't know. Something
to do with cigars.
And lo and behold...
there's this same guy,
emerald-green tracksuit
this time with, like,
a dress shirt and tie,
and I'm like,
"This dude's
a f*cking alien."
So, I tell him that. I'm like,
"Hey, you're an alien."
And he's like,
"How did you know?"
And I'm like,
"Your tracksuit, buddy."
And he's like, "OK, but
you can't tell anyone else.
If you do, I'll have to
f*ck, eat, and k*ll you."
And I'm like, "Well,
that's really specific."
And he laughs,
and he's like, "Yeah."
And he orders a whiskey
and he pays and he leaves,
says good night,
and then later on,
while I'm cleaning up, he
comes up to me and he's like,
"Hey, can I get one more?"
And I'm like, "No, sorry,
it's ill*gal."
And he's like, "Well,
do you know where else
I can get a drink?"
And I'm like,
"There's like 4 bars
on this street, dude."
And he's like, "Come with me."
And I'm like,
"No, you're an alien."
And he's like, "Yeah,
but I'm an alien
who wants to save the world."
And I'm like, "From what?"
And he's like,
"Climate change."
And I'm like, "How?"
And he's like, "I have
these seeds on my ship.
"And the trees grow into these
like beautiful, multicolored,
glowing masterpieces."
And I'm like, "Whoa!"
And he's like, "Yeah,
they suck a hundred times
more CO2 than Earth trees do."
And I'm like,
"That's impressive."
And he's like, "Yeah,
do you want to hear more?"
And I don't know,
maybe it's because I do care
a lot about climate change.
Or maybe his smile was
actually cute, or maybe
I was just bored and 27
and working two dead-end jobs
because I couldn't afford
an actual unpaid internship
at a real newspaper.
I don't know,
Whatever the reason was,
I said, you know, I was like,
"f*ck it. Yeah, let's drink."
So, we go and we drink
and we talk,
and he tells me about
his home world and how it
got destroyed by all these
excess greenhouse gases
and his whole family
was m*rder*d
and the government didn't
do anything about it
till it was too late.
And he wanted to honor them by
saving other people's planets.
So he had just gotten to Earth
and he was living at this
compound out in the hills,
and he asked me to
go out there with him.
And I was like,
"Absolutely not."
And he's like,
"I won't do anything."
And I was like,
"No, you're an alien."
And he's like, "Yeah, but do
you believe I'm an alien?"
And I'm like, "Do you really
want me to answer that?"
And then out of his
index finger
came this little tentacle.
And it slithered across the
table and it gently wrapped
itself around my wrist.
And then a faint glow
started on the tentacle,
and it started at his
fingertip
and went over to mine.
And when it reached me,
all my anxiety went away.
Like, there is nothing
in my head,
not a single bad thought.
Just felt like my entire
body was, like,
full of this
warm, glowing sunlight.
And he tells me everything
is gonna be OK.
So I take a second, I sip
my drink, and then I say,
"f*ck it. Take me."
And so he takes me
and he shows me these trees.
And I'm like,
"Jesus, these trees."
f*ck. There's like nothing
cooler in life
than, like, seeing sh*t glow
that shouldn't be glowing.
So, yeah, "I f*cked an alien,
an alien named Brian.
I mean,
that wasn't his real name.
He got it out of a baby book.
He never actually told me
his real name.
We, uh--we f*cked under
the glowing trees because,
like, what else are you
supposed to do, you know?
I felt like a girl in one of
those hentai porns, you know?
He lifted me up in the air,
and all these tentacles
wrapped around me,
and it was pure bliss.
And I didn't leave. He had
this assistant--Laura.
She was a human,
and she, like, helped him
with all the trees,
like harvesting and packaging
and sending them off to
anybody who placed an order.
I also--I sent a vague
text to Craig letting him know
I'd be, like, hanging
elsewhere for a while,
which he was baffled by,
but it was OK.
It's fine because, like,
I was basically addicted
to the drug,
like the alien sex drug,
which again, also sexy alien.
Also, he cared
about climate change.
Also, I--I had no money.
I was in massive amounts
of student debt, and he
promised he'd pay it off,
which he never did.
But yeah...
we didn't get much
further because he'd never
had sex with a human before.
So, there was like a bit of
a learning curve, which...
[Sighs]
Um, Laura made us dinner,
and then we got drunk,
like we always did.
And he was wearing
a powder-blue tracksuit
that night.
It looked good.
Um, I don't know,
maybe that was the moment
where I should have noticed
how much we were drinking,
like, always,
but, I mean, he was fun,
and I wasn't anxious,
and I don't know,
but we started having sex.
And, I don't know, he must
have gotten too drunk because
it got a little aggressive--
not, like, violent,
but like hot,
like temperature hot.
Like my--my whole body
was on fire,
and I asked him to stop,
but he wouldn't listen.
And then, like,
my face started to sweat
and it was turning red
and it started to glow.
And I was--I yelled at him to
stop, but--'cause my head
was pounding--my head,
it was like--
thump, thump, thump,
thump, thump.
And I felt like this--
the blood was like
swelling into my brain.
And I asked him--I was
yelling at him, "Stop!"
And he--he must not have
heard me. I don't know.
And it felt like
at any moment
my body was just
gonna pop like a balloon.
And I just kept yelling,
"Stop, stop, stop!"
And then at the last possible
moment, when it felt like
my head was gonna, like,
explode like a watermelon,
he came. Hmm.
And when reality set in,
he asked me if something
was wrong, and I said, "Nope."
And then he fell asleep
and I ran.
I packed up my sh*t, and I
ran all the way from his house
to Craig's front door.
And I don't know, I mean,
I must have blacked out or
something because he found me
bloody-footed and covered
in dirt--Craig, that is.
And, um, he never asked
me any questions,
and I've been living with him
ever since.
How was that?
[High-pitched chime]
[Man speaking Japanese]
"Excuse me. I'm an apple."
[Chime]
She cured?
Yes. No more mental illness.
Craig: "I'm a funny dog."
[Chime]
Joey: You'll never be fluent
in Japanese.
Craig: Yes. Thank you.
Tell me that I can't do it.
It feeds my fire.
It feeds me!
Joey: Thank you for
paying for that
and, you know,
everything else.
Craig: Yeah. Well, just tell
me that I'm a good person
and nobody
hates me whenever I ask,
and I'll shower you with
all my family's money.
-Hmm.
-Mmm...
By the way, I'm having
a good Grindr date
come over tonight.
And I kind of told him
that I live alone.
So, I kind of need you to
go into your room
and stay there with all the
lights off and make
no sound when he comes over.
Joey: Aah!
Craig: Lights out, b*tch!
[Door opens]
Man: Hey, man, what's going
on? Yeah. No.
Craig: Why? What the f*ck?
Man: I said mask only, dude.
[Door opens, closes]
[Wolf howling]
[Heavy breathing
through mask]
Please don't tickle
me with a used dildo.
Joey: Then stop being sad.
Craig: Joey.
Joey: I'm not Joey.
I'm Werewolf Dildo Monster.
Craig: Werewolf Dildo Monster,
I'm not in the mood.
Joey: But tickles
from used dildo
make the sadness go away.
Oh, I'd rather spiral about
how g*y and unlikable I am.
Joey: But you're hot
and talented,
and no one hates you.
You're only saying that
because I told you to.
-Yes.
-Joey.
Joey! Joey, don't!
Don't! Joey!
Joey. Your queef juice
is everywhere!
Joey: Queefs can't have juice.
They're made of air.
Craig: If farts can be wet,
then queefs can be wet.
-Stop being sad.
-Never!
Not on my face! God.
[Dildo hits floor]
I think it's important
for our friendship
to acknowledge that that was,
in fact, not a used dildo,
but brand-new out of the box.
[Sighs]
Would you like some alcohol?
Joey, on recording:
My name is Joey,
and I think
Taylor Swift is mid.
Joey: She is mid.
[Craig gasps]
Blaspheme!
Wait, aren't you like,
shocked that I can
make you say that?
Joey: Apps that
deepfake voices
have been around
a long time.
Craig: Uh, right.
Oh, my God,
I'm so f*cking sad and fat.
I just want to die.
Don't ever leave me, OK?
Joey:
Where would I even go?
Man, on TV:
We'll be right back.
[Eerie music]
[Objects clattering]
[Unzips purse]
[Gasping]
[Objects clattering]
Are you healed?
God, I miss you.
Your beguiling face has
never left my mind.
Craig! Craig!
Craig: Thank God you're here.
Joey: Why does it smell like
horseshit?
Craig: Because horseshit is
spewing in the f*cking shower!
Joey: Oh, my God!
[Bubbling]
Craig: OK, well, thank you
so much. Bye.
[Craig hangs up phone]
OK, I just got off the phone
with them, and they said
that it's gonna cost, like,
10 grand minimum to fix,
and, like, I don't have that
kind of money.
-Um...
-Yeah.
Can you just ask your
family for more money?
Craig: No, 'cause monthly
stipend. And I've kind of been
maybe a little bit totally
irresponsible with finances.
I may only have, like,
$500 in my checking account,
which is fine, Joey,
because f*cking Amex.
But he needs cash,
and I don't have cash.
Can you ask for
a cash advance?
-No, I'm maxed out.
-Craig.
I know, I know, I know!
I'm f*cking terrible.
I'm f*cking awful.
Joey, I'm 32 and I can't
f*cking handle money.
Do you have any money?
-Craig.
-God, f*ck, I know.
-Anything you can pawn?
-Craig.
Craig: Right. Damn it! f*ck!
I just--
Joey, I just, like,
don't know what to do!
Joey: I mean, I guess--
I guess I could get a job.
Craig: Oh, my God. Like,
could you really? For real?
Joey: I mean, I saw
a "Help Wanted" sign
at the Coffee Roasters.
Oh, thank God. We're safe.
That's not gonna get us
10 grand, you idiot.
Craig: Right. OK, well,
can you maybe, like, um,
like, I don't know, like,
sell your computer?
- Or you could get a job.
- Doing what, Joey?
I have a degree
in philosophy.
The only job that
I had was that 6 months
where I walked dogs
for that evil f*cking l*sbian.
-Craig!
-f*ck!
OK, game plan.
You try to get a job,
I'm gonna try and get
more money for my family.
And then, like,
if that f*cking fails,
I will just try to get
a job or I'll k*ll myself.
[Cash register dings]
[Eerie music]
Oh, God. It still smells like
absolute sh*t in here.
-Girl, I know. Here.
-What is this?
Silence of the Lambs cream.
-Ooh! It actually works.
-Yeah. Your girl is scrappy.
I got the job.
Craig: Oh, my God,
that's great news.
And guess what.
I called my dad,
and he said that he'd
give me 5 grand if I went to
the next family reunion.
So, between that and your job,
I think that we could have it
in, like, a month or two.
-Look at us.
-We did it.
We solved our
financial crisis.
Huzzah!
How do you want to celebrate?
[Craig exhales]
-How about cigarettes?
-I can Uber Eats us some.
Joey: Maybe the sh*t water
is a sign we should change.
Craig: Well, you got a job,
so that's progress, right?
Whatever happened to your
Japanese interpreter dreams?
Don't want to talk about that.
I want cigarettes.
Joey: I so want to be
an investigative journalist
for the "New York Times."
-That's impossible.
-Don't be a b*tch.
You're the one
making me feel bad
about not being more
successful. My trauma was--
Oh, my trauma. My trauma,
my trauma. We get it.
You've been through some
heinous sh*t.
Don't you want to move on?
Craig: What, like you
moved on from yours?
-I started therapy.
-Yeah, on my dime, b*tch.
Oh, f*ck me! My streak!
You're being insensitive.
Craig: Honey, just accept it.
We're f*cking trash pandas.
Sorry, not sorry.
[Sighs]
Oh...
[Coughing]
[Computer chimes]
[Joey moans]
Woman, muffled voice:
Excuse me.
[Normal voice] Excuse me!
Barista: Oh, sorry,
I didn't hear you.
Woman: How could you not hear
me? I'm 2 feet away from you!
Barista: How can I help you?
[Woman sighs]
I asked for an iced
no iced latte with oat milk.
This is whole milk.
Barista: Oh!
So sorry about that.
But I also made that latte,
and I made it with oat milk.
Woman: No, you didn't.
It's whole milk.
I can taste the difference.
Barista: Do you want me to
remake it for you?
Woman: Do I--
Excuse me, young lady!
Joey: Yeah, that's
definitely oat milk.
-No, it's not!
-Yes, it is. And the fact that
you can't tell the difference
is astounding, actually.
Woman: What's astounding
is you just being
in a coffee shop
on a Tuesday morning.
Don't you Gen Z work?
Joey: Hey, I get it.
You're divorced and your
15-year-old hates you,
and your new husband
is f*cking a nanny,
and none of that is fixable.
So, you come down to
coffee shops and you make
workers feel bad just
because you have money.
You're not original, Karen.
You're just a sad
f*cking cliche.
[Splat]
Oh h* h*! Red wine! Red wine
at 10:00 in the morning!
[Laughter]
[Distorted laughter]
[Slap]
Aah aah aah!
[Splash]
Joey: I never got the job.
I lied. I'm sorry.
Craig: I saw the sex tape.
Joey: Oh.
Craig: It's weird.
I feel like these days
it's impossible to deny
the existence of aliens.
I just never thought
the way that I'd find out
would be live-action hentai.
I never called my dad.
I just, like, couldn't,
you know.
So, it looks like we're
stuck with this situation
for the foreseeable future.
Joey:
Brian invited us to his house,
his vacation home
for the weekend.
Well, he invited me,
but I don't think
he'll mind if you come.
Didn't he, like,
really hurt you?
I mean, it looked like
he did when you...
when you...
Joey:
Yeah, but it was worth it.
[Man speaking Japanese]
"Be careful. It's hot."
[Chime]
[Woman speaking Japanese]
"The queen loves clowns."
[Chime]
[Man speaking Japanese]
"Death is our fate."
[Chime]
[Woman speaking Japanese]
"I want beer."
[Chime]
I do, though.
[Radio playing indistinct
music]
Joey: Let me do the talking.
[Hip-hop music playing]
[Ethereal music]
Joey, distorted: Oh...
Oh...
My lady. You are such
a prepossessing sight.
What in the Shakespeare
does that mean?
Brian: You must be Craig.
A pleasure.
Laura: Welcome, you two.
Where are your bags?
Joey: Uh, they're out front.
Craig: Oh, but you don't have
to go to get them and--
Brian: That's what I pay her
the big bucks for, Craig.
Let her take your baggage.
I want to give you the
grand tour.
Craig: 'K.
[Sighs]
[Laura humming]
Please don't come in here
when I'm here.
Brian requests you wear
this dress for dinner,
but I see you've grown
a little soft.
So why don't I let it out
a little first?
Laura, thank you.
Can you please get out?
As you wish.
A little something.
I've told you not to Q-Tip,
sweetie.
It's bad for your ears.
[Sighs]
Ah.
Now, before we enjoy this
extremely nutritious
and delicious sustenance
Laura spent hours making,
I can infer some tension
in the air, can't I?
It's all right. I know.
Craig told us all
about how you ended up here.
I'm sorry about your...
sh*t-smelling house.
We had to use Silence of the
Lambs cream and everything.
Ha! I don't know
what that means.
Anyway... Now, Craig,
it is true what Joey says.
I am an alien, and I suppose
I have the capability to...
let's say, be dangerous--
something
I vowed never to do.
So, in the effort to be
fully transparent,
a little demonstration.
[Laura clears throat]
Craig: Ah! Oh my God.
Is that, like, alien serum
or something?
It's sugar-free
lemonade powder.
Turns out my species
is deathly allergic to it.
If you please.
Oww! Ooh...
Ooh!
Ah ah ah!
[Thud]
Craig: sh*t.
Brian: Ow! Uhh!
Uhh!
[Sighs]
Now you know my weakness.
You'll find several syringes
underneath the sink filled
with it in case you need it.
[Sighs]
-Enjoy your salmon.
-He's f*cking hot.
[Joey chuckles]
-Laura is weird.
-She's fine.
Just always the bridesmaid,
you know?
Craig: Yeah. Whatever.
To be that close to that
kind of gorgeousness.
I mean,
the track suit thing
is a little weird,
but it works.
I don't know.
It's just so hard to believe
he was so violent to you.
But I mean, you came back,
so it couldn't have been
that bad.
Do you think he only likes
you 'cause you're pretty?
I mean, whatever.
Who the f*ck cares if he does?
Because look at him.
Do you think you'll f*ck
him again?
I just might if you don't.
Joey: I can never tell
when you're joking
or being serious.
Craig: Oh, my God!
I'm totally joking.
God, no.
I would for sure tell you
if I was being serious.
Plus, it's been so long,
at this point,
I'm pretty
sure my an*s has dried up
and disappeared anyways.
-Oh.
[People speaking indistinctly]
[Hip-hop music playing]
Brian: Whoo! Ha ha ha!
Craig: Yeah, I'm a real-live
f*ck boy.
Laura: Ha ha!
Craig: There was a moment
where, like, the energy
was crackling,
and then, like, dolphin roll.
I did a dolphin roll?
That was--hey!
Why didn't you wake me?
Craig: Oh, we tried,
but you were snoring so deep.
We were just like,
you know what?
She can get up whenever
she wants to. Right?
I didn't know
you could dance.
Craig: Me either,
but Brian was teaching me,
and like, I felt--
Brian: Anybody can dance
if they work hard enough.
You may not get the moves
right away, but if you have
the soul, you'll get it.
Craig: I got the soul.
Laura: Yes, you do.
I do it every morning
as meditation.
You'd be surprised how much
better your day starts
when you dance it out.
Laura: Joey, do you
want something to drink?
There'll be time
for that later.
Now that you're awake,
it's time for me to help you,
to help us all.
If the three of you will
come with me,
it's time to change
your lives.
[Laura chuckling]
Though I do have a 1,048-day
streak on Duolingo,
so I might be being
a little modest.
What?
Brian: I invite each of you
to take a seat
in front of the chrysalis
gigantum.
Brian: If everyone could
take a deep breath.
[All inhaling]
And again.
The pollen from the trees
should be taking effect now.
Your anuses are open.
Excellent.
This chrysalis gigantum
is something I carried with
me from my home planet.
It's been gestating
and growing in here
thanks to the trees.
And finally, it's ready to do
what it was meant to--
heal.
As with anything in life,
it isn't free.
The crystal requires
an offering
in the form of
your past hardship.
You must take a moment
from your life,
say it out in the open,
and once that's done,
cut yourself with this knife,
drip some of your blood.
If you're telling the truth,
the blood will be absorbed.
If enough truth is laid out,
it will release
a healing light.
At least it should.
I haven't actually
tried this before.
So, who shall begin?
OK, I--I was molested
by my uncle.
Ah! f*ck!
Brian: You only have to cut
your finger for it to work.
Oh. Um...
Brian: Not to worry.
I'll heal you
after the session.
So...who's next?
The more in-depth
the story you tell,
the more energy you give it.
Craig: OK, I guess what
happened to me is kind of bad.
Um, so we used to have these
family reunions
on my mom's side and they were
like, these massive affairs,
like a lot of liquor,
and my uncle would
always slip me some.
And he was like,
the cool uncle.
Anyways, the first time
that it happened,
I was trying to go to sleep.
And my door had a lock on it,
but you could pick it
with a screwdriver,
and he did.
And he was barely
aware of his surroundings.
He stumbled and fell onto
my bed, crushing my body.
I was, like, 11 years old.
But he started snoring,
so I pushed him off
and I fell asleep.
But then,
the next family reunion...
he didn't stumble.
No.
He crawled on top
of me deliberately,
and he started, um...
like, growling like a lion?
And then...
If you could?
Oh. Uh, yeah.
Brian: Yeah.
[Grunts, sighs]
[Soft chiming]
Brian: Joey?
Joey: Um...
growing up, I was in and out
of five different foster homes
and I never had
any good parental figures.
I had one good
foster sister, Amy.
She was so nice.
Her mother died in childbirth,
but she always wore
her mother's necklace.
Mine just didn't
want me, I guess.
Joey: One day, I asked
to borrow the necklace,
and she almost said yes,
but then said no,
and I got so upset
that the next day,
I accused her of stealing
money, but they saw
right through me,
and I got so embarrassed
that I lashed out
and I bit her arm.
The next day, they sent me
to a different home...
and that memory
still haunts me.
[Knife slices]
[Inhales sharply, sighs]
[Soft chime, humming]
Brian: Quick, quick!
Everyone touch the crystal!
Joey: Don't you and Laura
need to share more?
Brian: There'll be time
for that later.
The glow is ready now.
Don't you want to feel better?
[Humming grows louder]
Craig: Huh!
[All groaning]
[Zap, thud]
[Zap, Brian gasps]
[Thud, zap]
[Zap]
[Cabinet closes]
Laura: Enjoying yourself?
Get out!
Laura: If you break
his heart again--
That's none
of your business.
You think I don't see
who you really are?
You use
your traumatic childhood
as a pheromone to attract
all those stupid enough
to take care of you,
and then you suck 'em dry.
I see with Brian,
and I see it with Craig.
Get the f*ck out
of my bathroom.
-[Chuckling]
-Now!
Get out!
Don't raise your voice
at me, chica.
Joey: Craig!
[Both grunt]
Laura: I don't think
you got deep enough
to get all the wax out.
Let me help you.
Joey: Aah!
[Gasps]
[Sighs]
Where are Laura and Craig?
Brian: They're in
their healing light.
-So, still tripping ba*ls?
-Bingo.
Joey: Laura may be
a b*tch sometimes,
but she sure knows how
to cook. Heh!
You shouldn't be
too harsh on her.
She's--she's had a tough life.
-Who hasn't?
-She was born into a cult.
It was small, on a farm.
Man was claiming to be
the second coming,
but he was sleeping
with all the women.
-[Sighs]
-She ran away when she was 14.
She started traveling around,
looking for meaning,
but she kept getting it wrong.
New man of God,
same fatal flaw.
[Brian scoffs]
She probably wouldn't
appreciate me
telling you this.
What's that?
It was my mother's.
She gave it to me
before she died.
You never told me
what happened.
Well, after the fourth
quasar nexus, we knew
we could no longer
stay in the city.
We had to find
a more temperate climate,
but our military had taken
over the government.
Now, there were
numerous checkpoints
set up to get out of the city.
We had to try.
It was our only option.
Miraculously,
we made it to just inside
the city limits,
only one more
checkpoint to go.
In case we were separated,
my mother,
she kneeled down
and gave me this necklace
of our family crest.
She said if I revealed it
to certain people,
they'd take care of me.
As we were about
to continue forward,
that's when we were ambushed.
They held her down,
I had to watch
as they...
Joey: You've suffered
so much.
What you said in the room...
you never told me that before.
Joey: I like to think it's
behind me, but...
it's not.
Maybe I'm better for it.
You deserve
a mother's necklace.
Even if it isn't yours.
Shall we have
cross-species intercourse?
I haven't had intercourse,
cross-species
or otherwise, since.
Oh. I understand.
It's all my fault.
I now know how scary it was
when I lost control.
But you have to know my touch
can only take you so far
into healing your wounds.
If you embrace me, fully,
we can make your mind
go quiet forever.
Don't you want that?
Joey: Mm.
[Door hisses open]
[Breathing heavily]
[Squishing sounds]
[Moaning]
Distant man: Help!
Brian?
Joey?
Laura?
Hello?
Everything OK?
[Door hisses open]
Joey?
Brian?
-What are you doing here?
-[Gasps]
Jesus! Shitballs!
f*ck! You scared me.
Um...
I...I thought I heard screams.
Maybe it was the machinery
I use to water my plants?
I should lubricate it.
Gets rusty, unfortunately.
[Sighs]
I've been lazy.
Craig: Oh, my God.
Well, I--I totally get that.
I--I get being lazy.
I'm a big...
lazy piece of sh*t.
[Sighs]
No, you are not.
Oh.
Well, no, I--I know.
I'm--it's just...
it's my sense of humor.
I'm not convinced
calling yourself
a lazy piece of sh*t
is humorous.
Oh. Yeah.
Um...OK.
Would do you like to have
cross-species intercourse
with me?
Uh, aren't you, like,
with Joey?
What does that have to do
with what I asked?
Craig: Oh.
I mean, yeah, you're...
you're really hot,
and so I wouldn't say...
[Craig moaning]
Craig: Oh.
Oh, my God.
Is this really happening?
[Moaning]
[Laura moaning]
[Long exhale]
[Grunts, sighs]
[Grunts]
[Gasps]
Oh, my God.
Oh.
I had sex with Brian
last night.
I know.
It was bad before,
I know, but I just--
I forgot how good it feels
to have his tentacles
on my skin.
My mind just went quiet.
For the first time
in five years,
I was just quiet.
There's no sadness,
no anxiety, just...
pure, unadulterated...
peace.
And I've been searching
for it for so long,
but I think it's changed now.
I can feel it.
I don't even feel
like I need to vape.
Oh, my God, me, too.
Like, I know exactly
what you mean, like--
like--the--the quiet.
I had a pleasant dream
for the first time
in, like, a decade last night.
Joey: Mm.
Craig: Was so tender
and warm.
There was no shame.
It was just, like, light.
He made me feel so...
wanted.
Wow.
You--you got all that
from crystal therapy?
Craig in Japanese: Iko, iko,
iko itte, kudasai!
Oh...
[Low growl]
Thank you so much
for bringing me.
I never thought that I would
find happiness, but then...
I've never seen you wear
that necklace before.
Oh.
Yeah, it was
Brian's mother's.
So sweet, right?
Craig: Oh...
He's waiting
downstairs for us.
He's gonna give us
therapy assignments.
[Both inhale deeply]
Today, I want
to separate you two.
Craig,
you have a journey outside,
coordinated by Laura.
But before we go,
Joey.
[Whispers]
Excuse me.
[Sighs]
I feel like I owe you
an apology.
I know Brian told you
of the first commune
I was a part of.
And while I was there,
I was extremely
addicted to heroin.
I had a child.
There were no cribs.
We all slept in the same...
And during one of my, uh...
I...
rolled over on t--
top of him and, uh...
His name was Peter.
That's what I would
have shared
in the crystal room yesterday.
[Sighs]
What color were Peter's eyes?
Brown.
Deep...
[Voice breaks]
soulful...
tiny specks of gold.
[Crying]
I hope we all realize
what's happening here.
We don't have to live
constrained by
the ideals of pain.
We can have freedom.
Craig,
please follow Laura.
Craig, whispering: I was kinda
hoping we could do
that thing that--
Brian, scoffing: Later.
But, later, I promise.
Laura: Heh!
What was that about?
Doctor-patient privilege,
my dear.
OK, but I thought there were
supposed to be no secrets.
If you'd be so kind, you need
to go to the crystal room.
You get it all to yourself.
OK, but before I go,
do you think you could just...
I'm feeling a little anxious.
The crystal will help.
And tonight,
I'll help even more.
[Soft chiming]
Craig doesn't know what
happened to me. No one does.
Well, two people do, but...
their names don't deserve
to be said out loud.
Amy saw him come into
our room, and she heard me
try to scream as he put
his hands over my mouth.
And what did I get?
A Barbie Dreamhouse?
An ice cream party
with all the f*cking fixings?
Money? No.
But Amy sure did.
She was so stuffed full
of hush money, by the time
I got the courage to tell
my fifth-grade teacher,
Social Services got involved,
she lied to them.
You want to know why I
f*cking bit her?
I bit that b*tch because she
pretended to be asleep
night after night, while he,
who doesn't deserve
to have his name said
out loud, touched me in ways
that I never deserved
for two f*cking years.
[Whispers]
I wish death on you, Amy.
I wish death on you
more than them.
I wish I could take
a knife to your throat
and cut you ear to ear
and watch the blood flow
out of your open wound,
like the Hoover Dam.
You were a child.
You didn't know any better.
Well, guess f*cking what?
So was I.
[Whispers]
So was I.
God, this sh*t's so dark.
[Gulps]
Who the f*ck cares?
[Sighs]
I'm a piece of sh*t anyway.
Maybe I deserved it.
[Footsteps]
[Timidly]
Hello?
Distant man: Help!
Distant man: Somebody help me!
[Gasping]
[Squishing sounds]
[Man gasping]
[Groaning]
Oh! Oh, sh*t!
Ah! No. No!
[Stylus on a scratchy record]
[Film projector whirring]
[Gong echoes,
notification beep]
[Distant chatter and laughter]
[Outgoing beep]
[Crickets chirping]
River: Oh.
b*tch, come inside.
We're about to watch
"Austin Powers 2."
Noah, scoffing: Why?
Because we're on acid,
and it's hilarious.
I secretly plan
on playing all three
and seeing if anyone notices.
Noah: Were you even alive
when those movies were made?
River: Yes.
Wait. Maybe.
-I'll be there in a second.
-Ugh.
Fine. Whatever.
Be filled
with millennial ennui.
He's in his boring era.
Why even come if you're not
gonna do drugs?
Because I'm sober, River.
Oh. It's not an excuse.
[Notification beep]
[Outgoing beep]
[Notification beep]
[Outgoing beep]
[Notification beep]
River, distantly: I can't
believe we're watching
"Austin Powers 2."
Who's doing this?
[Outgoing beep]
[Notification beep]
[Notification beep]
[Notification beep]
[Door hisses open]
[Noah scoffs]
Whoa.
Heh!
[Loud thud]
Oh!
[Breathing heavily]
[Whimpering]
[Thud echoes]
Hello, Noah.
[Noah gasps]
[Inhales deeply]
Ah, I want to thank you.
By coming here,
you've found yourself part
of something...bigger.
And together,
we'll change the world.
In the meantime,
get some rest.
Soon we'll have
cross-species intercourse.
No. Wait.
Wait! Please!
Come back, please!
I didn't do anything!
Please!
Help! Somebody help!
[Crying]
Please! Help!
[Wailing]
Help!
Please!
[Blood sloshing]
Hmm.
Brian: I was convinced
he'd be compatible
-Because he was attractive?
-I don't only have
cross-species intercourse
with attractive people.
[Laura snickers]
-Do I?
-Yeah, you do tend to have
a, uh, visual taste
that might not
necessarily be conducive
with your mission.
[Sighs]
I shall mull this over.
Laura: My head would
never explode.
[Drops scrub brush]
Did you hear me?
Brian: I refuse to indulge
this request again.
Why?
You know why.
Tsk.
I'm still attractive.
[Pulling off gloves]
Notice that wasn't a question.
I know you see me that way.
I catch you staring
in between feedings.
I tempt you.
Use me.
Hmm?
Use me as you have
countless others.
Lift me up into the air.
Enter me with your
lubricated appendages.
Impregnate me with your seed.
We can become one.
I could be your queen.
[Brian inhales deeply, sighs]
Make sure you clean
the wedges in the trees.
Gray matter always gets
jammed in there.
[Whimpering]
Craig: My God! Joey! Hey!
What the f*ck? What?
What happened? What happened?
[Joey hyperventilating]
I...I...
Craig: You're scaring me.
All right, all right.
All right, all right,
breathe, breathe.
Breathe, 1, 2, 3...
[Joey whimpering]
-4, out, 1, 2, 3.
-Ah! Huh!
Brian: Eureka.
Joey: Aah!
I found you at last.
[Joey whimpering]
Joey, you look
extremely unwell.
Craig: She was having
a really bad panic attack.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Panic is a nightmare.
[Joey hyperventilating]
Yeah, it is. I just went
too far and I panicked
and Craig fixed it.
[Soft chime]
Joey: Oh...
Brian: Better?
Joey, breathlessly:
May I have some more?
Later.
First, we must bury you
in dirt.
Brian: Now, the only thing
you two must do
is breathe
through this exercise.
The dirt you're sitting in
is absorbing all
of the anxiety,
all of the stress,
all of the unnecessary
emotions that feed
your inner lizard monsters.
Now, if you please,
take a deep breath in...
[inhales deeply]
and out.
Ah.
Craig: Ah.
[Sighs]
Now I'm about to do something
you might not like,
but ultimately,
information needs to be
revealed in order for us
all to move on.
I must admit
I am the perpetrator
of this bad news.
[Sighs]
Craig: No, Brian, I--I--
I don't think--
Brian: Shh, shh.
On the same night
that we had cross-species
intercourse...
I also had cross-species
intercourse with Craig.
I know. I should have
discussed it with you first.
But there's something
about you two together,
something so wonderful
and magical.
It makes me agog
with anticipation.
Joey, I am so sorry!
I am so, so sorry!
There's no need
to apologize to her, Craig.
It's all my own doing.
You were here,
I desired you, I took you.
But I also want her.
I want you both.
Oh, Joey, I'm sorry.
Truly, I am so sorry.
I never, never intended it
to be this way.
I didn't, I just--I--
I don't f*cking know!
He's just so nice, and I just,
like, I just, like,
needed something nice,
you know what I mean?
[Distorted, in slow motion]
I am so, so sorry.
Sorry, Joey.
Brian, distorted, slow motion:
Breathe through the dirt,
Joey. Breathe, Joey.
Craig, normal voice: Joey.
You have to breathe.
Brian, still distorted: Joey.
Craig: Joey,
you have to breathe.
-You got it now, Joey.
-Breathe.
Breathe into the dirt, Joey.
Brian, distorted: You got it
now, Joey.
You got it now, Joey.
[Voices overlap
unintelligibly]
Craig: Breathe into the dirt.
Brian, distorted: Breathe!
Craig: Please, you have
to breathe into the dirt.
Echoing: You have to
breathe into the dirt.
Breathe, Joey, come on, you
have to breathe into the dirt.
You have to breathe
into the dirt, please, please!
Brian, normal voice: Breathe,
Joey, come on. you have to--
Craig: Joey.
[Joey gasps]
[Breathing heavily]
I need to tell you something.
OK.
[Sighs]
You should go.
Take the car.
I involved you in this,
and I--I just--
it's my responsibility
to keep you safe.
Craig: Well, why--
why don't we both leave?
Yeah. No. Right. No. We will.
But you should go first.
-Why me first?
-Like I just said--
You should leave first
because you are in
a much more mentally
precarious position than I am.
You should let me
deal with this.
-What? What?
-What? What?
Joey: Hmm?
So you...
you don't want to stay?
-Oh, my God, no!
-Ha ha!
Oh, my God!
What he's doing is horrible!
We both need to leave,
but you first.
I'm just trying
to protect you.
Right.
No bad ideas.
What if, like...
we both didn't go?
Heh heh!
-Brian's mine!
-You b*tch!
I knew it!
I f*cking knew it!
Oh, my God! You don't care
that he's murdering people
at all, do you?
Joey: I do care!
Do you?!
Craig: Yes, I care! I just--
the feeling that he gives--
Joey: Is mine!
You don't deserve it!
Craig: Oh, my God!
I share everything
with you, everything
for five f*cking years!
And this is how you repay me?
Are you f*cking kidding me?!
You hate seeing me happy.
Yeah.
The one time, the one time
I find pure bliss,
and you want to keep it all
to yourself? f*ck you!
I'm staying--
Aah! Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
-Oh, my God, Joey!
Why did you do that?
Joey: I'm so sorry!
Craig: Oh, my God!
What the f*ck?
What the f*ck?! You don't do
that sh*t to people!
[Chime]
[Man speaking Japanese]
Craig: You got a pretty watch.
[Joey sighs]
[Chime]
[Woman speaking Japanese]
Craig: I want a pink dress.
[Chime]
[Man speaking Japanese]
Craig: I will buy shoes
for my grandmother.
[Chime]
Brian requests you
meet him for a walk.
He also requests
you wear this.
Craig: What about me?
Laura: There just might be
something special for you
in your closet.
Why don't you go take a look?
Brian: I observe
that you're stressed.
Sorry if I'm upset that I
just learned my boyfriend is
f*cking my best friend.
Oh, this is all Craig's fault.
He didn't just trip and fall
on my tentacle appendage.
I had to transform.
There were two of us.
He required warming up.
The an*s is a complicated--
OK, just stop.
Just stop, please.
[Brian sighs]
I now require both of you.
I know that's a lot
to take in,
but you must be OK
with this.
I'd hate to end
our relationship,
but I will if necessary.
Do you think,
before dinner tonight,
you could...you know?
I'm just really anxious,
and you haven't done it
since this morning.
[Brian sighs]
Let's...see how you
behave at dinner.
[Footsteps departing]
Brian: So, what's this?
Laura: Roasted cauliflower,
sweet potatoes,
and herb chicken.
Brian: Seems a little
complicated for my palate, no?
Joey: Looks delicious, Laura.
Wine, Craig?
Of course you want wine.
When have you ever
said no to alcohol?
He touched you, didn't he?
Please, Joey, you're
embarrassing yourself.
[Clinking]
I'd like to propose a toast.
Everything's
out in the open now,
which I am,
frankly, relieved by.
I know things might be
awkward for a few days,
but I hope very soon
we'll all be able
to really view each other
as family to family.
Don't.
Brian, Craig is a traitor,
and he poisoned the wine.
This is so tragic.
Joey: He knows about the man
that you ate,
and I told him you'd have
a good explanation,
and he didn't want to hear it.
So he took the sugar-free
lemonade powder
from underneath the kitchen,
and he poisoned the wine.
Craig: Ah, honey, that would
be all fine and well
if there weren't literally
f*cking cameras everywhere.
Joey: Yeah. And once you know
where the cameras are,
they're easy to avoid.
Craig: Oh, my God.
You just told on yourself.
Joey, this is really sad.
Please.
Craig on recording:
No, this is unreal.
He can't! m*rder is wrong.
We have to do something, Joey.
He told us where the
sugar-free lemonade powder is.
We have to--
This has to be stopped.
He has to be--
Craig: You conniving little--
Brian: Sleep.
What?
What the f*ck? What the--
what the f*ck?
Brian: I had that tracksuit
specially made,
and this is how you repay me?
No, Brian.
She deep-faked my voice.
You have to believe me.
Brian: I don't know
what that means.
-It's this, like--
-Enough!
The only one who deep-faked
anything is you.
You faked your deep love,
toyed with my emotions.
Craig: No, I didn't, I didn't.
I didn't do that.
I promise you,
I didn't do that.
Brian: I must dance.
Craig: Brian, don't.
Don't dance. Brian?
f*cking b*tch!
You f*cking duplicitous b*tch!
[Sobs]
[Sobs]
Joey: I'm sorry things
worked out the way they did.
Brian: So am I, my love.
So am I.
My meditations
have brought me a revelation:
I must devour Craig.
I know.
I promised to let him go,
but I think the only way
to move past this
is to devour him.
It's best for all of us
but especially me.
I understand.
Really?
Yeah.
Craig will never be happy.
I think you're doing him
a kindness.
Just when I think I can't fall
for you anymore, I do.
And you, me, yes?
Do you think
you could just...?
Brian: Oh.
Joey: That's all?
Brian: I must prepare my body.
He will be devoured tonight.
And later, we'll have
cross-species intercourse,
I promise.
[Door opens]
Brian? Brian?
Brian?
Brian, you've got to listen
to me.
I did not plan to k*ll you.
Joey's a f*cking liar.
You've got to k*ll her
before it's too late.
I'm not tasty.
I don't work out. She does.
I vape so much, I'm
practically made of nicotine,
but she doesn't. Please.
You f*cking b*tch,
I'll k*ll you!
Shut the f*ck up.
I'm trying to rescue you.
-Wait. Really?
-Whisper, you idiot.
I only thought he'd
kick you out.
I didn't think he would try
to k*ll you.
I'm not a bad person.
Run.
Craig: What are you gonna do?
Joey: He loves me.
I'll take my chances. Uh!
Run!
sh*t!
Hello, Joey.
I was wondering
if your p*ssy gave off
some kind
of irresistible pheromone.
You know, something to explain
his utter fascination
with you.
But, alas, it smells
so unbelievably normal.
Mmm.
[Smacks lips]
Craig almost made it
to the car...
[Chuckles softly]
but, fortunately, he was
making a large enough racket
that Brian woke up,
rushed to the garage,
and caught him before he
could escape.
He's back in his cage now,
missing his left hand,
of course.
No, no, no, no.
[Tsk tsk]
Shh, shh, shh.
We're not doing that.
Your time is almost up,
sweetheart.
I don't have to do a thing.
I made up that story
about Peter, by the way.
I'm a good actor, aren't I?
[Chuckles]
[Brian sobs]
Joey, what are you doing here?
You need to shut up
and listen.
I know, I know. I don't have
a leg to stand on,
and, yes, I did help
Craig escape,
but can you blame me?
He's my best friend.
But despite all that,
I need you to listen to me.
Laura is a bad person.
She's trying to take you away
from me,
and I can't--I can't let that
happen again, OK?
You--you make my brain
go quiet.
You make me feel so loved.
You can have Laura,
you can have Craig.
You can have a whole harem
if you want.
I just--Please, please
don't leave me.
Please don't make me
leave you. Please.
Just, like, I need you.
Oh, shush.
Oh, my darling angel.
It's going to be OK.
I know she is.
What?
Brian: Laura has been
growing more and more unstable
every day.
She's been trying to sabotage
our relationship
from the beginning.
I think Craig's addition
hit her too hard.
She's desired me for ages.
Don't worry.
I forgive you for Craig.
We'll deal with her...
and then we can put
all this behind us.
Really?
Ohh, of course.
Ohh, you are my everything.
Your deep love for me
was never faked.
It was all real--all of it.
Brian: Oh!
[Laura speaking Spanish]
[Brian screaming]
[Alien worm squeaking]
Laura: Finally.
Finally, finally, finally!
[Groaning]
[Yelling]
[Thud]
[Serene music playing]
[Screams]
[Serene music resumes]
[Screaming resumes]
[Serene music resumes]
[Screaming resumes]
[Serene music resumes]
[Screaming resumes]
[Serene music resumes]
[Joey shuddering]
Brian: Sleep.
I have just one question
for you, one question.
Was it all a lie?
No. Brian, please.
Please let me out
of this cage.
No. Attempted murderers
stay in cages.
Laura injected you with the
sugar-free lemonade powder.
Don't you remember?
Or are you Laura?
Brian: I am me.
The only thing left of her
are a few memories.
Soon those will go.
-Check the cameras.
-You disabled the cameras.
-No, no, no, no. Laura--
-Enough!
Brian, please, please.
My anxiety is so bad.
Would you please just touch me
and make my brain go quiet?
And then we could--
You filthy liar!
[Altered voice]
Stop talking! Just stop!
[Regular voice]
Your betrayals are too many
and your truths too few.
I loved you.
But for the life of me,
I still do.
I don't know what I'm going to
do with you.
But until I decide,
you will remain there.
[Joey moans]
Craig: Jig's up, sis.
He knows who you
really are now.
[Scoffs]
My God.
I think that climate change
thing was a f*cking lie.
You think he's going
to "Animorphs" us?
I can't believe this.
I knew it.
I knew. I knew that this was
too good to be true,
and I never should have
listened to you.
I'm going to f*cking die
because of you.
Joey: You came here
on your own volition,
and not 12 hours ago.
you were willing to let him do
f*cking anything
to make your anxiety go away.
Brian: Yeah, because I was
dickmotized.
This is all your
f*cking fault.
Where would you be without me?
How many times did you say
if I didn't validate
your every thought
that you'd k*ll yourself?
It's your f*cking catchphrase.
Why do you think I never left?
Craig: Because I paid
for every g*dd*mn thing.
Where would you be
without my money?
Joey: Probably on the street,
but it'd be better
than being emotionally tied to
some baby
who can't let go
of his trauma.
Craig: I was f*cking molested!
So was I, you dolt.
Yes, by a frat boy,
like, one f*cking time.
Big whup.
No, you moron.
By my f*cking foster parents.
-What?
-Yeah.
I was never going to tell you,
but, you know,
I'm glad you know now,
because now you can stop
parading your trauma around me
like some sad little worm.
Oh, f*ck you.
You ruined my life.
My brain will never go quiet.
He'll never--
Craig: Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?
Are you still worried
about the heroin skin?
b*tch, we're going to die.
He's got you so addicted,
so addicted,
just like I was.
Have fun with the withdrawals.
And when they get real bad,
which they will.
and you feel the need to reach
out to someone for comfort,
I just want you to know
I don't give a f*cking sh*t
about you anymore.
Joey: I did one bad thing.
You have been a bad
person your whole life.
Insecure, loud, sad.
And when you die, I hope
you know you deserve it.
[Rustling]
[Cracking]
[Guttural noises]
[Chomp]
[Screaming]
Joey: Oh, f*ck.
[Joey moaning]
Brian: Ohh. It's lost,
unfortunately.
But I can make it clean.
I'm still deliberating with
Death, but I'll be back soon.
Both: Twinsies.
Joey: I think I can get us out
of here.
Craig: What'd you
have in mind?
Joey: Before you say anything,
the two of us
have been talking,
and I think we have
a proposal.
Go on.
Craig: We don't want to die.
Joey: Right.
A lot has been said, but I
think we've been so vicious
because--
Craig: There are feelings...
Joey: Between all three of us.
Craig: which is, like,
so confusing because I'm
not even remotely straight.
Joey: It's not just your
touch, Brian. We--we want you.
And I know we've done
some awful things,
but so have you.
Craig: Right,
like lying about your planet
dying to climate change.
Brian: I was not
lying about that.
Joey: Brian,
you're a parasitic worm.
There's no way you had
a civilization.
Ah, I don't--
Craig: Like, I'm not
a scientist,
but I have seen a lot of
movies, and Joey's right.
OK. Yes, those were lies.
Joey: And that's OK.
That's OK.
Because we can fix it with--
Craig: The crystal.
Joey: Yeah, let's do it.
Let's go to the crystal room
and lay it all out
on the table.
Craig: And when it's all out
on the table,
we see how the crystal reacts.
And if it's positive...
Joey: We help you
with your operation
to turn every human being
into one giant parasitic
Brian network.
[Tearfully]
That's all I wanted.
Joey: Really?
Brian: Yes, yes.
Well, I can't believe
I didn't think of this.
This is the perfect way
to fix everything.
Craig: Yeah?
And to think I was
going to devour you.
Ha ha ha ha!
[Joey and Craig laughing]
Ha ha ha!
I was gonna eat you.
Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom!
Craig: Right. Uh...
[Exhales]
I'll go first.
So there's a lot about
my life that I hate,
and I want to figure out,
what to do with it.
but booze and vapes and drugs
are so much easier to do.
[Clicks tongue]
And because I don't
have to work, I can,
if I play my cards right,
just sit in my house
and collect hush money checks
for the rest of my life.
It's a sad f*cking existence.
And there comes a point where
I have to realize, like,
if I just sit in this
garbage pile of an existence,
if I don't try to, like,
do anything with my life,
try to pick myself up
out of the heinous sh*t
that's happened to me,
that I'm just doomed to
become an angry, bitter g*y
who pushes everybody away.
And, Joey, I brought you
down with me.
I brought you all the way down
into my infinite sadness
because I needed somebody
to excuse
all of my bad behaviors,
someone who needed me so badly
that I could get away
with so much, and it just...
wouldn't f*cking matter.
And I think because of that...
[Exhales]
I lost you.
And it's my fault.
It is. It's my f*cking fault.
I hate that I agree...
because we aren't good
for each other.
But you saved me.
And when I showed up
at your door,
I was so grateful that
you didn't ask any questions.
But I was also so angry
that you didn't ask me any
questions.
I was so broken, and you
didn't ask me why.
But you're so young...
And when you're that young,
you're so self-involved,
it's easy to ignore
all the terrible things
that can exist
between friends.
And I just keep thinking about
how this thread between us
just keeps dwindling
to the point where a single
breath might break it.
And I think it's time
for us to grow apart.
And I hate it,
but I don't know
what other option we have.
I wish you well.
I do. I really do.
Wow, that was deep stuff,
Joey. Congratulations.
I suppose it's, um, my turn
to, um, share, yes?
Craig: Mm-hmm.
Brian: Yes.
Um, the truth is...
I'm--I'm not sure
where I came from.
I woke up on Earth
with no recollections.
Maybe that makes me five.
So I'm, like, five years old.
So no wonder it's, I get
so emotional all the time.
[Brian sighs]
Look, I want to be honest
from now on.
I love you two.
So...
Joey: Brian.
Craig: That is not
what we wanted.
-That was honest.
-Brian.
Brian: I want you two
by my side,
and I want to take over
the world with my seed.
I apologize for the cages.
-Why?
-Because, oh, I don't know.
You did try to m*rder me.
Do you still believe that?
I don't--I do. I don't.
I don't know. I'm confused.
Laura's memories,
they're like--
Joey: Do you think
murdering people is OK?
Brian: I don't know.
My mind says m*rder,
and I say OK.
So you just have, like,
no remorse at all?
I give people the best
cross-species intercourse
of their lifetime.
It's a gift.
And although the trees do not
take away carbon dioxide,
I am saving the planet.
Think of it.
It's a full symbiotic world.
There's no w*r, no pollution.
It's only perfect balance.
-You weren't listening.
-I was listening.
No, you weren't.
Oh, my God.
Brian, you're
such a f*cking narcissist.
-Am not.
-Yes, you are!
You're making clones
of yourself
to take over the world,
which, by the way,
why do they all have to look
like you?
Craig: Yeah. Why? Wouldn't it
make more sense
to, like, make them look like
different people,
so that it would prevent
other people from catching on?
Brian: I am
the perfect specimen.
Why would I not
bless people with my beauty?
-Narcissist.
-He is hot, though.
Irregardless.
Also, you talk so strangely.
How? The spores,
they--they should make you
pliant, make you calm.
You should not be this mean.
Craig: Mm-hmm. Yeah,
except we're not
under your pheromone spell.
[Clicks tongue]
Nope.
We're clear-minded,
full-hearted,
and we can't lose.
How?
"Silence of the Lambs"
scream, b*tch.
Brian: Oh!
Craig: Just...
call it sex,
you f*cking psycho!
"Cross-species intercourse"!
is a weird thing
to call alien f*cking!
[Yells]
[Craig breathing heavily]
[Alien gurgling]
Joey: Run!
Brian: Joey!
[Craig groaning]
Oh, my God.
Joey, it's inside me.
Joey: What the f*ck did--
What the f*ck?
[Craig groaning]
Craig: f*ck!
Joey: Where is it?
Craig: Look.
It's in my stomach.
Oh, God. Oh! But he's moving.
Joey: What?
Joey, you have to cut it
out of me. Now.
Brian: Joey?!
Craig: Please.
Joey: OK. You have to lift up
your shirt.
Wait. Don't judge my body.
No, 'cause you have
f*cking abs, Craig!
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Joey: Oh, God. OK.
[Craig groans]
Brian: Joey!
Joey: Please don't die.
Craig: Do it. Do it.
Joey: f*ck.
[Joey yells]
[Craig groaning]
Joey: Oh, f*ck!
Craig: What?
Joey: f*ck bit me.
Craig: Joey?
Joey: Hold on, Craig.
Craig: Oh, God, Joey.
He's breaking through.
f*ck, Joey!
I got him! Oh, f*ck you!
f*ck you.
Brian: Joey?
Joey: sh*t!
f*cking worm! f*cking worm!
[Yells]
[Loud crack]
Brian: No. You didn't. No. No.
Craig: That's right.
We aborted your
f*cking spawn, b*tch.
It's not fair.
This whole rift between you
two, I'm not even involved.
You two resented each other
from the moment you met.
If you truly loved each other,
if you were willing
to join together with me,
we could have had it all.
I'm such an ignoramus,
the real victim
in this situation.
If I hadn't fallen for your
elegance and beauty,
I'd have succeeded, this world
would have been saved.
Craig: Is he for f*cking real?
Brian: We can.
We can still fix this, Joey.
We can.
You still love me, don't you?
Joey: I...
Brian: I'll give you my touch
whenever you want.
You'll never have to worry
again. No more anxiety,
as much cross-species--
I mean sex as you want.
Please?
You're the most beautiful
specimen I've ever seen.
I'm so lonely.
Craig: What?
Brian: Please?
Craig: Joey, what are you
doing?
Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: You swear?
Yes.
Please don't leave me.
I'm not a bad person.
I have a mission.
You agree with the mission,
don't you?
I--I don't know.
Be with me. Be my queen.
Let me rid you
of your worries.
Joey: I'm your one and only?
Brian: Yes.
Joey: Your only queen?
Yes, whatever you want.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
[Moans softly]
[Craig grunts, yells]
Craig: Oh, f*ck.
f*cking--I'm gonna beat--you
f*cking--
Just die, you f*cking b*tch.
[Both breathing heavily]
What the f*ck is wrong with
you? Are you kidding me?!
Were you
actually gonna betray me?
Joey: I was giving you time
to k*ll him!
Craig: Oh, f*ck.
Joey: OK. Need your hand.
Here. Put pressure on it.
Put pressure on it.
I'll call for help.
He really did only love you
because you're hot, right?
That's, like,
so f*cked up, man.
[Coughs]
[Gasping]
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
Tell--tell me I'm a good--
good person.
Tell--tell me I'm--I'm--good,
I'm not--I'm not bad.
People--people like me.
I'm a good p--I'm a good--
[Speaking indistinctly]
Craig? Craig?
Craig?
No. No, Craig!
Ohh...
[Sobbing]
No!
No!
[Sobbing continues]
I buried Craig in the desert,
which was hard to do,
because of the whole
one-hand thing, but I did it,
and I made a large batch
of sugar-free lemonade,
and I poured it all over
the remaining planters,
His enclave was destroyed.
So the story was real?
Yes.
Therapist: I see.
So how did Laura transform
without being
planted in the pot?
Is it because it was
an original copy
and it didn't require
gestation?
Does the pot speed up
the process,
or does it just
guarantee perfect copies?
And so if you don't,
it'll go awry.
And the man in the cage
exploded because he
wasn't compatible, right?
How come you didn't get
impregnated?
Did he use, like,
an alien condom,
or he just wasn't able
to turn you,
and that is why he
was so intrigued by you?
Shouldn't you be asking me how
I feel about Craig's death?
How--how do you feel?
I think he deserved to live
his dreams,
and I feel like he was
about to.
And it's my fault
he never will,
and I have to live with that
for the rest of my life.
[Smartphone chimes]
[Man speaking Japanese]
Joey: Red.
[Phone chimes]
[Woman speaking Japanese]
Joey: Blue.
[Phone chimes]
[Man speaking Japanese]
Joey: Mother.
[Phone chimes]
[Woman speaking Japanese]
Joey: Alien.
[Man speaking Japanese]
Joey: Tree.
[Woman speaking Japanese]
Joey: Clone.
[Man speaking Japanese]
Joey: k*ll.
[Woman speaking Japanese]
Joey: k*ll.
[Man speaking Japanese]
Joey: k*ll.
[Woman speaking Japanese]
Joey: k*ll.
[TWINKIDS' "I Know" playing]
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Touch Me (2025)
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Watch on Amazon Sci-Fi Merch Collectables
Space, Time-travel, Futuristic, Aliens, Sci-Fi movie collection.
Space, Time-travel, Futuristic, Aliens, Sci-Fi movie collection.