I Wanna be a Criminal (2023)

[bunniefuu]

(lighter clicking)

Emily, I can't hold it in any longer.

You have no real purpose, no direction,

no drive, no passion.

By this time, I expected you to figure out

what the f*ck you were gonna do.

Even if I have to drill it in your head,

you will figure out what

you're gonna do with your life.

On this day, your birthday,

it changes for you, my daughter.

This is the day you grow up

and seize life for what it really is.

I bought this for you.

This book holds the key

to finding your passion.

This book's helped me through

some really tough times,

so I definitely think it can help you

become less of a loser.

Here, happy birthday.

Can I blow out my candles now?

(chair creaking)

(dramatic guitar music)

(coffee machine gurgling)

(phone ringing)

Emily's house.

Emily.

What time are you coming in today?

Same time I always get there.

(laughs) Always with the one liners.

So what time?

3:15.

Okay. Remember, have

a smile on that face.

The parents are always watching.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Isn't it your birthday today?

Yeah.

Nice.

Turning 21 finally, huh?

Nope, just 20.

Oh. Bummer.

Weird.

[Charlie] Emily.

Good morning, Charlie.

Same to you, neighbor.

So how's everything at school?

I graduated, remember?

Oh, well then, how are things at work?

The same.

- Boyfriend?

- Nope.

- Girlfriend?

- Also no.

Well, I heard it was your

birthday. Happy birthday.

- Thanks.

- 21 finally?

No, just 20. And I'm

sorry, but I got to go.

Oh, well before you go,

I baked this cherry pie.

Would you like some?

No thanks, Charlie. Bye.

(sighs) Okay, you're awesome.

You've got a great job,

you get to work with kids,

and you get to tell people what to do.

(somber guitar music)

Hi, Connie.

- You are disgusting.

You're a bad instructor.

I like Willy better than you.

- Amelia, hey.

- Hi, Willy.

Ow. I think I just

got kicked in the face.

How could you let him

get kicked in the face?

Look, I didn't mean

to kick him in the face.

Why can't you be more like Willy?

Emily, how's it going?

Stop looking at me like that.

Ow.

You're an idiot.

You suck.

Emily, my office!

What's your job, Emily?

To teach karate.

Okay. But what's your other job?

To recruit new students.

Sure, but what's your other other job?

I don't know, why

don't you just tell me?

That's not how...

Okay, I'll tell you.

You are responsible for cleaning, right?

Yep.

And that includes the toilets, right?

Yeah.

So then why did I find this rubber duck

stuffed down the toilet?

I don't know, that

must have just happened!

I expect 100% efficiency, no excuses.

If you can't do that, then

I'll just have to let you go.

You'd fire me because of a rubber duck?

I'd fire you 'cause you

didn't get the job done.

Well maybe if Willy just

helped me out a little bit.

Willy has a disability.

He's colorblind!

Don't take your anger

out on Willy, okay?

Got it.

Now take the rest of

the day off, unpaid.

(Emily sighs)

- Bye, Emily.

- Bye, Willy.

God, I love that girl.

She's the best.

(tense guitar music)

Success doesn't find you,

you have to go out and get it.

But first, you need to know your why.

Why do you want to accomplish your goals?

Once you know your why,

you can start focusing

on actually accomplishing things,

and then you're one step

closing to answering

those two important questions.

What do you want, and how do you get it?

It's not gonna be easy, but

persistence breaks resistance.

You can't let people tell you

what you can and cannot do.

You are

(exciting music)

[Narrator] Does a k*ller

stalk suburban South Florida?

Learn tonight. k*ller in the suburbs.

(tense western music)

(g*n fires)

(g*n fires)

I bet he never has to

worry about getting fired.

(tense guitar music)

Freeze.

(g*n clicking)

You'll never take me alive.

(paper rustling)

No, I'm not that desperate.

(upbeat guitar music)

[Rony] Hi, my name is Rony Tobbins,

and this is my book, "Unleash

Your Limitless Mediocrity".

If you're reading this book,

there are only two questions

you need to answer.

What do you want and how do you get it?

Get out a notebook and

write these questions down.

Now!

(pencil scratching)

(chalk scraping)

Hey Emily, what are you drawing?

Just some bad guys.

What kind of bad guys?

Just some criminals, I guess.

Criminals?

Yeah, I want to be like them one day.

You want to be like a criminal?

Okay, well, whatever you are in life,

you just try your best to

be the best at it, okay?

[Emily] Mom!

Emily, have you drawing

in the street again?

This one's pretty good,

but you know I don't like

you drawing in the street 'cause

you could get hit by a car.

(car thuds and screeches)

Mommy?

(pencil scratching)

(dramatic guitar music)

Is that really what you want?

Well?

You're Rony Tobbins.

Yes.

- That's not possible.

- Of course it is.

Anything's possible if

you work hard enough.

And personally,

I think you'd be wasting

your potential, Emily.

How would you know?

I know everything about you.

Okay. Then why are you here?

To do this.

Ow! You can't do that!

Ow! Why?

Because you need to get it together.

You need to take your goal and go after it

with confidence and vigor.

But I don't have a goal.

That was just a hypothetical exercise.

I can't just up and become a criminal.

Yes you can. Don't you see?

That's your problem. You

need to believe in yourself.

And with my help, you

can accomplish anything.

Okay, but I'm not even

sure being a criminal

is something I really want.

It's just a fantasy.

What do you like about criminals?

They're free. They

do whatever they want.

- Do you want to be free?

- Yeah.

Say it, say it. I want to be free.

I want to be free.

Do you want to become a criminal?

Maybe.

No, you need to give me a solid answer.

You know why you want to

become a criminal, right?

Why do you want it?

- To be free.

So do you want to become a criminal?

- Yes.

- Then say it.

I want to be a criminal.

With vigor. Again.

I want to be a criminal!

Again!

I want to be a criminal!

(Emily's voice echoing)

Excellent.

So now what?

Well, if you want to become a criminal,

then you should start by looking the part.

(tense guitar music)

So, what do you think?

Maybe a hat.

There we go.

What now?

Now you need to find a

mentor, an expert criminal.

Where are we gonna

find someone like that?

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Of course it is.

We don't even know if there

are any criminals in here.

Emily, success doesn't find you.

You have to go out and get it.

No point arguing, I guess.

(tense guitar music)

Hello. Is anyone in here a criminal?

I am.

That was easy.

So, you're a criminal?

Yeah.

What's the worst crime

you've ever committed?

Well, I robbed a convenience store once.

What'd you take?

Just some Pop-Tarts.

No way! You did that?

Yeah, it wasn't that big of a deal.

Not a big deal? I can't

even imagine doing that.

I can show you, if you want.

(upbeat guitar music)

Okay, so what's the plan?

All right, so you go

in, steal the Pop-Tart,

meet me out front here,

and then we take off.

Okay, but how do I steal the Pop-Tart?

[Ally] Just take it

when no one's looking.

Oh, and don't make eye

contact on the way out.

- No eye contact?

- Never.

Making eye contact makes you

stand out in someone's memory.

What you need to do is

to be like a chameleon.

Like a chameleon, invisible,

merely a leaf in the winds.

Sure. You ready?

Yeah.

(bell rings)

(bags rustling)

How're you doing?

Good, thanks.

Let me know if you need anything.

(tense guitar music)

Have a nice day.

- Thank you.

(clerk sneezes)

Bless you.

You bought it?

Yeah, but it was

cheaper than I expected.

I mean, you're hopeless!

If you can't even do

this, I can't help you.

What are you doing?

She'll make a great mentor.

- But she

Go after her. Go.

Wait! Wait, I promise

I can do it, please.

Just give me another chance.

Fine, but you got to

promise me one thing.

What?

You got to lose the hat.

(upbeat guitar music)

Two root beers, please.

So.

- So.

You really want to be a criminal.

- Yeah.

- Why?

Well, it's kind of hard to explain.

Try.

Okay, well, I just

kind of always wanted to.

That's a terrible explanation.

Yeah, I know.

Well, what kind of criminal

do you want to become?

That's the problem.

All right, why don't you write down

all the different types that you know

and we'll go from there?

That is a great idea!

Oh, thank you.

Can I have a straw with mine? Thank you.

Here.

Okay, robber, arsonist,

insurance scammer, drug dealer, and...

Really? Serial k*ller?

Hey, you never know.

Whatever, either way, we

can try some of those out

and if you don't like them,

then you cross it off the list.

Like, we tried robbery

already, so cross that off.

Well, I wouldn't mind trying again.

You want to rob another

convenience store?

Maybe something bigger, like a house.

Okay, well, we can work up to that,

but why don't we start

with the smaller stuff?

Like what?

(melancholy guitar music)

Just drop it and walk away.

I don't know how I

feel about this, Ally.

All you have to do is

leave it on the ground!

What if somebody sees us?

They won't care!

What about the sea turtles?

- Just drop the bottle.

- Okay.

(upbeat guitar music)

(bottles clattering)

Sorry, Ally. Guess I can't miss.

Ugh!

(melancholy guitar music)

All right, now this is

much harder to screw up.

All you have to do is cross the road.

Okay, but the crosswalk

is right over there.

Crossing at the crosswalk

isn't a crime, Emily.

But what if a car hits us?

Then we'll die criminals, okay?

We're gonna go in three, two, one.

(car thumping and screeching)

Nope.

(upbeat guitar music)

You can do this, just park the car.

What if an actually

disabled person comes?

That won't happen. You can do this.

Okay, I can do this. I can do this.

I did it!

- You did it!

Oh my god, finally!

- I know!

At first I was like, can

I do this? Can I do this?

And then I just did it!

- So amazing.

Ally!

What do I do?

- Go! Get out of here!

Oh my god, did you see his eyes?

They were judging us so harshly.

That might have been the worst thing

that I've ever done in my entire life.

Oh yeah, that was terrible.

It was almost criminal.

You really think so?

I really do.

In fact, I think it's time we

move on to some bigger things.

It's time for me to

introduce you to some people.

- Really?

- Yeah. Come on.

(Jackie chewing)

Who the f*ck is this?

I'm Emily, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Now,

why the f*ck are you here?

Um, I want in on your next score.

What? You said you wanted some help.

I asked for your help, not

some as*h*le I don't know.

No offense.

- None taken.

Like, what the f*ck?

Well, you can still have my help,

but only if you let her in on it.

Fine. Follow me.

(door creaking)

So, what's the plan?

I'll tell you on the way. Hold this.

Um, are these water g*ns?

Shut up.

(upbeat guitar music)

Are you sure this is

the best house to rob?

I told you, I've had this

house scoped out for months.

This girl's got some serious cash.

But doesn't it make more sense

to do it when no one's home?

Well technically, Emily,

it wouldn't be a robbery

if no one was home.

It would be a burglary.

Who cares, Ally? This

is the easiest way.

Break in, threaten to k*ll the

owner and all her relatives,

she tells us where to find the money,

bing bang boom, successful robbery.

Is this how you always do it?

Yeah, sure, I mean,

technically speaking, the

other times nobody was home,

but it can't be too different.

We ready?

I guess.

(doors opening)

Wait, what are you doing?

We got to make sure she's home first,

or the plan's no good.

(door knocking)

Get out of my property!

We're good, she's home.

But we haven't even told

you why we're here yet.

I don't know you, so I don't care.

But what if we're having an emergency?

I don't know you, so I don't care.

- But-

- Listen,

I have a shotgun and I

have a guard dog, so leave!

Leave!

(door slams)

Well, guess that's over.

What? Hell no.

We're just gonna go

through the window is all.

But what about the

shotgun and the guard dog?

That's all BS, man.

No one's ever serious about that stuff.

Is it really BS?

I guess we'll see.

(tense guitar music)

[All] Don't move, this is a robbery!

I could say the same to you!

You mean you're robbing us?

Wait, what?

She means that she could

tell us not to move too

since she has the shotgun!

- Oh, that makes sense.

- Shut up!

Listen, just tell us where the cash is

and we'll be on our way.

Who told you about that?

Doesn't matter!

Give us the cash or we'll

blow your brains out!

Yeah, we'll blow your brains out.

What? Is that a water g*n?

(g*n squirting)

Guys, wait!

(vase clinking)

- Where's Emily?

- I thought she was with you.

Oh, there she is.

(g*n c*ck)

(both gasp)

(g*n firing)

Come on! Come on, Emily!

Go, go go go.

(g*n firing)

sh*t, sh*t, I can't

believe she had a shotgun!

What the hell am I going to tell them?

What are you talking about?

We failed! I don't just do this for fun!

I was hired to do this,

and the guys that hired me

don't take failure very well.

Okay, well, lucky for

you, we didn't fail.

When on Earth did you grab that?

Who cares? We did it!

I love you guys.

Wow, you really saved me there, Emily.

I don't even know how to thank you.

How about I introduce you

to the guys that hired me for this?

They're some real criminals.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I mean, she's better off

sticking with the small stuff.

Yeah, I'm better off

sticking with the small stuff.

Really? You sure?

Okay, well, if you change

your mind, here's my number.

I really owe you one.

Okay.

(door shuts)

Hey, um, so are you cool

sticking with the small stuff?

It got kind of dangerous.

Yeah, but you know we can't grow

if we don't take risks, right?

Ugh, you sound just like my dad.

Well, maybe he has a point.

Emily, the guys that Jackie

work for are dangerous.

Promise me that you

won't meet up with them.

Okay, I promise. See you tomorrow?

But Emily, I'm serious about this.

Okay, I won't. Stop worrying.

I freaking robbed somebody.

I could go to jail. This is incredible!

Congratulations.

But what the hell was with Ally tonight?

I don't know. I guess

she's just worried about me.

It's kind of sweet, really.

Sweet? Does sweet help you

accomplish this goal, Emily?

- No, but-

- Listen.

I think it might be

time to cut Ally loose.

I don't think I'm ready to do that.

Fine, keep Ally, but

at least text Jackie.

Get introduced to some more people.

I don't know, Ally

doesn't seem to think that

Emily, what did you tell Ally earlier?

We can't grow if we don't take risks.

Do you want to grow?

To find your passion,

accomplish your goals?

- Yeah.

- Call Jackie.

Hey Jackie, it's Emily.

(upbeat guitar music)

You've gotten really good at littering.

Yeah, it's become one of

my more favorite crimes.

Jaywalking's still a no, though.

So you still have no idea

what kind of criminal you want to become?

Nope, but I know I

really want to become one.

I know I asked you this

already, but, like, why?

Well, like, why are you even helping me?

I don't know.

I just like being around you, I guess.

Oh.

Hey, do you still work for that guy?

Yeah.

Good. I know just what we need to do.

(door opening)

Mother

(both laughing)

Oh my god, that was amazing!

I can't even imagine his face.

I know, right? That was good.

(dramatic guitar music)

Here it is, here's the money.

[Don Alfredo] Well done.

There's your cut. You did bueno.

Now, leave.

Thank you, sir, but I have

one more thing to discuss.

[Don Alfredo] What?

A buddy of mine helped me

out on the job and, anyways,

I thought you might be interested.

[Don Alfredo] Is she with the FBI?

No, definitely not.

[Don Alfredo] She helped with the job?

Yeah.

[Don Alfredo] Very well.

Calvin and Ike will evaluate her

and then maybe bring her to meet me.

I have been talking about

expansion, haven't I boys?

[Both] Yes, sir.

No, that's wrong.

It's like this. Hee-ya!

That's, like, exactly what I did.

Ally, this is a complex move.

A direct hit like this

will stop a man's heart,

so the little nuances matter a lot.

Now, try again.

(phone dings)

No, that's...

That's what?

Oh, that's better.

Um, you can keep practicing

if you want, but I got to go.

What? Where are you going?

Oh, you know.

No, I don't know.

(door knocking)

Jackie?

I'm here.

Where are they?

- We're right here, Emily.

Oh, hi.

Hey, Jackie.

Hey, Emily. Sorry about this.

It's okay, as long

as he doesn't k*ll me.

You're not gonna k*ll me, right?

That depends. Why did

you want to meet us?

Well, I didn't really

want to meet you guys,

but Jackie thought it'd be good for me,

so here I am.

Wait, why would meeting

us be good for you?

I recently quit my job

and decided to pursue

a life in crime, but I

haven't had much luck

in making a living out of it yet.

So you're in it for the

money. That seems good enough.

I guess we can test you out.

Thanks.

Hold your thanks.

I'm still not convinced

you'll be good for us.

If you can last three

minutes with Big Cal,

then maybe I'll introduce you to the boss.

Sounds good?

I guess.

I'm Emily.

I'm Calvin.

Okay, fight starts in three

Wait, can't we do this outside?

No. Okay, three, two

Wait wait wait, legally

I'm required to tell you

that I'm a 3rd degree

black belt in karate.

- Okay, three, two-

- Wait!

Are you really a black belt?

- Yeah.

That's really cool, because

Shut up!

Any more interruptions? No?

Okay, three, two, one, fight!

(tense guitar music)

(Calvin shouting)

(Calvin grunts)

(cat meowing)

It still counts, right?

I guess so.

(melancholy guitar music)

Damn, you really knocked me out, girl.

Yep.

That's weird, I don't remember

throwing the first punch.

It must've been a good fight, though.

You slipped and fell, Calvin.

It's more like a "Peanuts"

episode than a fight.

And you're a...

Good fight, kid.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

(door shuts)

[Don Alfredo] Take a seat.

So, what's your name?

Emily.

You look young, Emily. How old are you?

- 20.

- That is young.

Your friend Jackie says you

might be of use to my family.

Do you agree?

Well, I don't have much

experience being a criminal,

but I'm a really fast learner.

[Don Alfredo] So why would

you want even to learn?

Well, because my dream

is to become a criminal.

What?

I want to become a

criminal. It's my life goal.

So you're not in this for the money?

Money.

I mean, money's nice, but

I'm really just looking

for more experience under my belt.

What about power?

You want power?

Power. I mean, power's nice.

Okay.

So, are you gonna accept me, or?

I will allow you to join the family,

but you need to know,

this is not a small

thing you're agreeing to.

If you betray me, I will hunt you down.

You, your friends, and your family.

Is that acceptable?

Yeah.

Bueno. Go see Ike and

he'll get you all set up.

Yes, sir!

Oh, do I get a uniform?

No. Get out.

Okay.

Thanks!

(dramatic guitar music)

You what?

I got a new job.

You quit your job as a teacher to what?

Become a waiter?

In a nutshell, yes.

And you chose to do

this? You weren't fired?

I wasn't fired.

You want to work in a restaurant?

I want to work in a restaurant.

- A restaurant.

- A restaurant.

Fine, if that's what you want.

But don't half-a*s it. I expect 100%.

Okay, dad.

I don't see why you have to

tell him what you're doing.

He's my dad, I have to tell him.

You haven't told him

you joined the mafia.

That's a different story.

Whatever. So when are

you gonna tell Ally?

Tell Ally what?

That you joined the mafia.

You think I should tell her?

Yeah, I probably should.

(apple crunching)

(melancholy guitar music)

I really think that spray paint

would be much more effective.

Spray paint can be traced

back to us. Chalk can't.

Real graffiti artists use spray paint.

I don't really think we could

call this art, Ally, do you?

Yeah, probably not.

Ally, I have to tell you something.

Oh no, don't tell me

you're in love with me or

No.

- Are you pregnant?

- No!

My god, you k*lled someone, didn't you?

No.

I just wanted to tell

you that I joined the...

The workforce.

- As what?

- A waiter.

Is that a big deal?

No, I just, um, I won't

be able to see you as much.

Oh. Okay.

It's official, you're an idiot.

Shut up.

Fine, but don't blame me

when everything goes to sh*t.

I don't like Ally as your mentor anymore,

but she deserves to know what's going on.

I'm gonna tell her.

Sure you are.

Good morning, neighbor!

Where are you off to so early?

New job.

Wow, good for you.

Here, why don't you take

some cherry pie to celebrate?

It's fresh from the oven.

Maybe next time. Bye.

(melancholy guitar music)

Hello?

[All] Surprise!

Welcome to the family.

Oh my god!

Welcome to the family,

Emily. Make a wish.

Awesome, now what?

Now we party! Break open the beer, boys.

Wait, I'm 20, not 21.

We're criminals, Emily! Who cares?

Let's party!

Yeah!

(all cheer)

(cheerful guitar music)

And that's when I knew I

wanted to become a criminal.

Wow, that is so inspiring

that you're following

your dreams like that.

And to think some people warned me

not to join up with you guys.

This is everything I ever dreamed of,

to do whatever I want, whenever I want.

It is not easy. This is

some dangerous kind of work.

To think Ally would

try to keep me from this.

How dare she?

It's like Rony Tobbins always said,

never let anyone get in

the way of your dreams.

I won't let her do it.

I won't let her stop me.

In fact, I'm calling her up right now.

(phone buzzes)

Ally!

Emily. How was your

first day of waiting?

It was (hiccups) awesome.

Are you drunk?

No. Anyway, I have

to tell you something.

I...

I've joined the mafia.

What? Are you

But guess what? They're not

as bad as you said they are.

They threw me a party and gave me beer.

Is the beer all it took to win you over?

No. They also had whiskey.

Anyways, I was just calling

to tell you how wrong you are.

Great. Thanks for letting me know.

You're welcome.

And while you're at it,

why don't you delete

me from your contacts?

Okay. You sound mad.

Mad? No.

You just ignored all the

advice that I gave you

and went and did the exact opposite!

But I was just

You promised me that

you wouldn't do this.

That's not fair.

Have fun with your new friends,

because you just lost this one.

I think I messed up.

Yep.

Deal with it tomorrow.

(both laugh)

(Ally weeping)

[Ally's Father] Are you okay, sweetie?

[Ike] Hey.

Hey, Emily.

Wake up.

What?

It's time for work.

Oh.

(upbeat music)

Why are you standing there?

Stop talking and get to work.

Take out the trash, and

by the trash, I mean you.

You're an idiot.

Stop slacking.

Your face makes me sick.

I don't think you belong here.

Yo, Emily, where's my knife?

You make me sick.

Why do you look so stupid?

Your shoes make me sick.

Did they really pick

you to be in the mafia?

Never mind, I got it.

You look so ugly today.

I thought you wanted to join the family.

You're like an extended

cousin at this point.

Go with Calvin! Teach that guy a lesson!

What?

Go with Calvin.

Teach that guy a lesson.

Yes, sir.

(g*n c*ck)

Please, please, I didn't

mean it, it was just a joke.

Please, I already told you, it was a joke.

You ought to be grateful

that they sent me and not the others.

Get out of here.

What?

I thought we were gonna beat him up.

Well, we were supposed to k*ll him,

but that's between you and I.

(dramatic guitar music)

So, g*n exchange.

Yep.

Anything I should know beforehand?

Nope. Just do whatever we do.

Gotcha.

We're here.

Shouldn't he take the

keys out of the ignition?

No, girl.

First rule of g*n exchange

is to keep the car running

in case you need to make a quick escape.

But you waste so much gas.

Girl, just get out of the car!

Okay.

(doors opening)

Emily, you stay in the back!

Want a Twizzler?

No thanks.

Man, I'm surprised the

Russians ain't here yet.

They're usually more punctual.

Yep, normally they are.

Not to get emotional, Calvin,

but I really enjoy working with you.

I knew you had a soft heart in there!

Come here, homie.

I like working with you too, man. Yes!

I'm sorry, man.

(melancholy guitar music)

(g*n fires)

(Emily gasps)

(body thudding)

You know what, Emily?

This is what happens

when you disobey orders.

Now, take care of it.

Okay.

What are you waiting

for? Chop up that body.

What?

Oh, duh, I forgot to put the tarp down.

(tarp rustling)

There you go. Now get chopping.

Sure.

Come on, I put the

tarp down and everything.

You do want to be part of the team, right?

Of course! I just, uh

Just what?

I just get stage fright.

I can't chop up a body

with someone watching me.

Oh, I got you,

I was the same way when

I first got started.

I'm gonna be over there,

I got to piss anyways.

I'm sorry, Calvin.

(Ike sighs)

So Emily, are we ready?

Mother

What did I do?

Okay, it's not as bad as I think it is.

(melancholy guitar music)

Hey, neighbor.

Oh, how's it going, Charlie?

I'm doing well, thanks. How are you?

Not so good.

- Oh, that's too bad.

- Yeah.

Well, I just got done

baking this cherry pie

if you want it.

Oh no, I'm fine, thanks.

(melancholy guitar music)

Well, actually, that looks kind of good.

- Yeah.

- Thanks.

Splendid.

(melancholy guitar music)

I'll hunt you down.

You, your friends, and your family.

I expect 100%.

No excuses.

I thought you wanted to join the family.

- I'll hunt you down.

- I expect 100%.

- No excuses.

- You, your friends.

I thought you wanted to join the family.

[Don Alfredo] Your family.

(Emily whimpers)

(metal scraping)

Oh, welcome back.

Nice to see you finally tried the pie.

I had just about given up on you, too.

You're confused.

Mm-hm.

I think I can help.

You see, some people are

addicted to painkillers,

or cocaine, or food.

Me, I'm addicted to feeding

people drug infused pies

and k*lling them.

(Emily whimpers)

Yeah, that's the pie that I gave to you,

which is laced with chemicals.

And the other, I eat as I watch you die.

It's my little treat.

Anyways, I'm only telling

you this as a courtesy.

You've been a good neighbor

to me for the past five years.

Any last request?

(Emily whimpers)

Here, let me.

Can I try some of the other pie?

- Some of mine?

- Yeah.

I guess.

Hm.

What?

Yeah, this is not as good

as the other one you made for me.

Excuse me?

Yeah, the other one you

made was so much better.

- They taste the same!

- No they don't.

Have you ever tried any?

- No, but-

- Then you can't argue.

Fine, I'll prove it to you.

Yeah, it tastes exactly the same.

The chemicals don't even add any...

Oh, sh*t.

Child's play.

(chair thumping)

(ax clattering)

Yeah, definitely not for me.

(door opening)

Thanks, neighbor.

(engine starting)

(phone buzzing)

Emily, I didn't think you'd

be dumb enough to answer.

Well, obviously you were wrong.

Apparently.

So, what is this call in reference to?

Oh, I just thought I could

give you a little heads up.

Abandoning me is the same as

declaring w*r on the family.

I'm coming after your father

and your little girlfriend Ally.

See you soon, Emily.

What do I do?

Take your goal and crush it.

How does that apply to this situation?

I don't know, I'm you.

I know what you know.

What do you think you should do?

I don't know.

Wait, what was that thing

that you said to me earlier?

Persistence breaks resistance?

No.

Actions speak louder than words.

No.

Know your numbers, grow your numbers.

No! It's not like math is

gonna help us solve this.

Success doesn't find you,

you have to go out and get it.

That's it!

If I want to protect them,

I have to go and get them.

Dad? Hey, do you want to go to dinner?

Okay, I'll come get you.

Wait out front, okay?

Emily, I might be going senile,

but this does not look like a restaurant.

I'm just picking up a dinner guest, dad.

I'll be right back, but you

stay here, okay? Please?

- Ready?

- Yeah.

Wait, what if they're here already?

Then we're screwed.

Shouldn't you have a weapon?

I should, but I don't.

Then go get a knife or something.

Does it look like I have

time to go get a knife?

My daughter is going insane.

Do you have anything?

You're in my head, you know what I have.

Hey, don't get snappy.

Just trying to help.

I mean, it could work.

It's sharp.

In theory, with enough

pressure, it could k*ll.

I think you've seen "The Dark

Knight" one too many times.

It's the only thing we have.

You should go to the

store and buy a knife.

Nah, too risky. I'll go with the pencil.

(door opens)

Be back in a jiffy, dad.

All right, Em.

(door shuts)

Yep, definitely a psycho.

What if they're here

already and this is a trap?

Good point, you should

sneak around the back.

Well, after you.

Is that one of them?

I don't know.

[Emily] Don't move,

or I stick this all the

way through your neck.

Okay.

Is that a pencil?

That doesn't matter.

Keep your voice down.

Okay, but before you stab

me to death with a pencil,

can I put the remote down?

Yeah.

Okay, what do you want?

Money? Advice? What is it?

I want to know what

you've done with Ally.

What have done with Ally?

What the hell are you talking about?

Turn around.

(dramatic guitar music)

Oh, this is strange.

I don't like this.

Oh my gosh, it's you. You're real?

Of course I'm real,

what else would I be?

You live in the suburbs?

Yes.

Hey dad, where's my...

Dad? Rony Tobbins is your dad?

Yeah, what are you doing here?

Right. I messed up.

I have to get you guys

out of here right now.

(door knocking)

Are we expecting someone?

I don't think so.

You know, you should lock your door.

You never know who could show up.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Ike. These are my g*ons.

Say hi, g*ons.

- Hi.

Now stay quiet and nobody will get hurt.

You do realize I know where

your secret base is, right?

Yes, but this is an intimidation thing,

and you would know that

if you had just done

what I told you to do.

I could have taught you so much.

Hello, it's a pleasure

to have so many people

at my place of work.

I've gathered you here because

Emily!

What's going on and why are we here?

I was wondering the same thing.

Are you...

I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself.

Rony Tobbins, nice meeting

you. You're Emily's dad?

Yeah, I'm Roger.

Okay, now that we've

finished introductions,

as I was saying, I've

gathered you here because

How did you know my name?

Oh, Ally told me she had a falling out

with a new friend named Emily.

I assumed it was you.

So you talk about me.

Don't let it go to your head.

- Okay, I won't.

- Shut up!

You have been gathered here to die,

because this idiot

(bell dings)

Abandoned her post and lied to me.

What post? You mean her waiting job?

It's not a waiting job,

she joined the mafia.

The mafia?

Yes, but I'm obviously

no longer a member.

(laughs) Definitely not.

Before I slaughter four people,

I like to be sure I'm

doing the right thing.

Emily, I'm going to ask

you a few questions.

If I don't like your answers,

then I will k*ll you,

your friends, and your family

one by one,

and then I finish with you.

Understand?

I guess.

So why did you abandon Ike?

Yeah, why did you abandon me?

Because blood makes me

squeamish, and I liked Calvin.

So you decide to betray

the family and leave?

(Rony clears throat)

Actually, if I could interrupt

Dad, don't.

This is what I do for a living, Ally.

What?

Well, I think a better

question for Emily would be,

why did she join the

mafia in the first place

if she's squeamish about blood?

That's a better question.

Wait, there's something about you.

I know, you're that

motivational guy, Rony Tobbins.

Yep, that's me.

(bell dings)

It's about time we

got a celebrity in here.

We have to put your

picture up on the wall.

Would you mind giving us an autograph?

Of course not.

Okay, we'll do that later.

Now, back to the matter at hand.

Emily, answer the question.

Which question?

His question.

Why'd I join the mafia if

I'm squeamish about blood?

Because becoming a

criminal is my life goal.

Okay, so why do you

want to become a criminal?

Is this really relevant, sir?

Yes, yes, of course it is.

Why, Emily?

I don't know, I just

admire that criminals

do whatever they want

and answer to nobody.

You admire how criminals act,

not the criminal acts themselves.

I never thought about

it that way. You're right.

Which means that everything

I've just done is a complete...

Ally, I'm so sorry. I was so stupid and

- Idiotic.

- Yes.

And stubborn.

I suppose so.

- And an as*h*le!

- Ally!

Don't curse in front of the mafia.

I'm sorry, dad. I forgive you, Emily.

Still friends?

Of course. Friends.

Friendship's so beautiful.

Rony, what does Emily

do now that she knows

she only admires one

aspect of being a criminal?

Well, I think Emily should

stop working for other people.

Become an entrepreneur immediately.

You're so right.

Well, I guess this was a

big misunderstanding, then.

You don't really want to

be part of this family,

do you, Emily?

No, sir.

Your story has moved me.

I will let you four go, on

condition that you tell no one

of this encounter, and Mr. Rony sends me

an autographed copy of his book.

Bueno?

- Bueno.

Ike, untie them.

We can't! She abandoned me!

She knows all of our secrets!

Ike, are you disobeying me?

Only for your own good!

I don't want you to appear weak.

Weak? Weak?

You son of a b*tch! You doubt my strength?

They need to die!

Son, put the g*n down.

Yeah, don't be stupid.

Shut up! They die now.

(tense guitar music)

(Ike screams)

You stabbed me with a

pencil, Emily! What the

Idiot!

(dramatic guitar music)

Don't forget my signed copy!

- I won't.

Well, we still need to eat.

You guys want to join us?

(upbeat guitar music)

Thank you for hosting us.

No problem, Mr. Tobbins.

Well, your hospitality's

greatly appreciated,

and I hope you know what an

amazing daughter you have.

I mean, she almost got us k*lled,

but she was a very good

influence on my daughter.

And you should be proud of

the way she handled herself.

- I am.

- Good.

So Emily, what do think you'll do next?

I have no idea,

but I do know that I'm not

cut out to be a criminal.

(all laugh)

(dramatic guitar music)