01x01 - My Fated Guardians

[bunniefuu]

Go, go, go, go! ♪

[man gasps, wheezes]

[subway bell dings]

[man coughs]

Dude, you're blocking

the stairs.

- Welcome to Brooklyn, buddy.

- Tourists.

[hip-hop playing]

[siren wailing]

Man, it's bullshit

that they laid you off.

Your food craze ideas

Culinary experience

creation innovations.

were incredible.

Unicorn hot dogs absolutely

should have been

- the next mermaid bagel.

- Thanks, but it's fine.

Working in that office

all day, every day

was draining the life out of me.

Well, now you can finally reject

the outdated notion

of job monogamy.

Like for me, before that

off-brand snack company fired me

for tweeting

that the green M&M could get it,

they wouldn't let me do more

than 20 hours a week

on their social.

'Cause that's when they legally

have to give you benefits?

Yeah,

so I just picked up extra work

doing audio editing

for that podcast

where three white dudes

review airport bathrooms

until they also fired me

for tweeting

that Amelia Earhart

could get it.

[sighs] I'd be fine

with one job to start.

Lulu is gonna k*ll us

if we're late on rent again.

Oh, we'll get jobs.

The next big thing is

just around the corner.

And, Alex, can I just say,

Lulu can try me.

I watched John Wick 2

last night, and I'm fired up.

Ha! Kick, kick, kick, kick,

kick, kick. Chun-Li.

Ooh, I love that movie!

Daisy, Daisy, look. I once

k*lled three men in a bar.

With a pencil.

You come after my dog,

I'll k*ll you.

[both laughing]

Anyway, I don't even need

a job in programming.

Just something simple that

doesn't have an awful commute.

Something that's

in the neighborhood.

- Come on.

- [door bells jingle]

Alex and Daisy.

I found my guardians.

[beeping]

CORVIN: That energy spike could only

mean one thing

the Creator has taken form

in this world.

Ah. I wish my passion

for spying on strangers

from behind trash cans

could pay the bills.

Oh, well. Back to being

a corporate attorney, I guess.

Zab-a-dee-da, I'm gonna go

rip people off. ♪

Alex, this is amazing.

If you work here, you can

give me so much free coffee.

Plus, I'd finally have a reason

to talk to coffee dude.

What do you think

he's always studying?

Probably, like, how

to be an artisanal beekeeper.

Snore. You literally only like

him because he's a blank slate

you can project

your fantasies on.

I know.

But remember the time

he smiled at me?

♪

Aw [sneezes]

- Hmm.

- Hey, Michaela.

Isn't it weird for you

to come here all the time

when you've, you know,

ground beans

with all the baristas?

You're such a mom.

It's whatever.

Oh, yeah. No-tattoo barista

is working today.

That's why she couldn't

sleep over last night.

- Do you even know her name?

- You don't know his name.

Daisy.

[laughing]:

Hey you.

We peeped that "help wanted"

sign in the window.

I'm very qualified.

I just left a job at a culinary

experience formation start-up,

so I've worked with stuff

just like CBD lattes.

- Ew. No offense.

- Ha, ha.

Do you have barista experience?

- Not specifically, but

- Sorry.

Baristas have to be certified,

and to get certification,

you need at least three years

of barista experience.

But then, how does anyone become

a barista to begin with?

No, no.

One must be born a barista.

The Creator is here on Earth

in the form of some kind

of small mammal.

The energy levels around her

are astronomical.

Do I have your permission

to collect

after she leaves the scene?

I have an idea that should reap

very powerful results.

Ooh, vegan muffins.

Sorry. Not you.

- [buzzer sounds]

- Well, well, well.

The millennial freeloaders

of 2B.

Might I ask where the rent is,

or did you eat it

with your avocado toast?

Uh, the first isn't

till tomorrow, right?

Yeah, so you better hop off

our dicks, Lulu!

Whoa, there. I think

what Daisy means is,

we will definitely have

the rent on time.

- We respect you.

- Good.

Because if it's late again,

I'm slapping an eviction notice

on your door

as soon as I get my son

over here to fix my printer!

- [sighs]

- [clears throat] Daisy?

Why is there a raccoon

on our couch?

I am not a raccoon.

I have taken the form

of a red panda.

My species is endangered,

much like your world.

- Alex?

- Yup, yup, I hear it.

Talking raccoon on our couch.

Alex, Daisy, I've come to you

with an important mission.

Did you microdose me

without telling me again?

What's the phone number

for animal control?

Put your fingers inside me,

and all shall be revealed.

Aah! What's happening?

The butt is sucking us in!

I created this universe

and everything in it.

It is one of many universes

created by myself

and other beings like me.

But some beings are driven

by destruction,

rather than creation.

They seek

to destroy this universe

by using its own power

against it.

Aah! Hold on.

The Internet's out.

Oh, are you on the

"Alex and Daisy,

please stop stealing our Wi-Fi

or we'll lock it" network?

You'll never believe this.

- They locked it!

- [clears throat]

These evil forces have been

amassing your universe's energy

for some time,

particularly from this planet,

its largest source of life.

Try 3C's Wi-Fi.

So I suppose

you don't want to hear

about the special powers

I can grant you?

Powers? f*ck yeah.

Ooh, what kind of powers? Can

we wish for a million dollars?

- No.

- Oh. What's your name, creepy panda?

I have chosen

the Earth name "!sis"

after the ancient Earth goddess.

- Ooh, do not love that.

- Name's no good anymore.

Fine. You may call me

by my native name,

- Nut, mother of !sis.

- DAISY: Nope.

No !sis. Forget about !sis.

Now, each of you must choose

the object

that will activate your powers.

You must carry this object

with you at all times.

Fine. I'll pick

my birth control.

It'll remind me to take it.

Obviously choosing Bong Selleck.

- Not practical.

- You, Alex and Daisy,

are my fated guardians.

It is now your duty

to protect the entire universe.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn't say

anything about duty.

[laughs]

Duty.

We can't protect the universe.

We can barely take care

of ourselves.

I used a W-2 as a pad last week.

But you are warriors.

You said you k*lled three men

with a pencil.

What? Can't you get

someone else to do it,

or, like, do it yourself?

You're a god who can give

PowerPoints out of your butt,

so, should be pretty easy

for you.

In your world, I am merely

a helpless red panda,

with limited access

to my own powers.

This is your destiny

and yours alone.

And if you don't fulfill that

destiny, then your universe,

and everything in it,

everyone you have ever loved,

will die.

- That it?

- [laughs] Did you think that was news?

That sh*t's, like,

definitely happening anyway.

Does she not know

about climate change?

[sighs]

You know what?

Let's just call animal control

from the coffee shop.

[sighs] I guess I cleaned

my butthole for nothing.

The vibe in here

feels different.

Hey, did you mix up the decaf

and regular or something?

Why is everyone so so

Chill?

[maniacal laughter]

[sighs]

- Oh, sh*t.

- Wait, you got possessed

by a disgusting monster after we

were doing it yesterday, right?

They're just relaxed.

I slipped them a little extra

CBD in their lattes.

Or maybe a lot extra.

Who needs all that pesky energy?

Once I finish collecting

their energy

in this crystal, my boss

will be one step further along

in his sinister plan.

- Why is she telling us this?

- I don't know.

Seems really unnecessary.

Say night-night

to your fellow freelancers,

because when this crystal

leaves your universe

They'll die.

I tried to tell you.

When you said everyone

would die,

we didn't think you meant,

like, real people.

- Like, now.

- Can't you do something?

To reiterate, I am a panda.

- Oh, boy.

- We're really doing this.

♪

Nope. No way. Definitely not.

We look like we're playing

figure skaters in a porno.

- Who designed these?

- I thought they were quite stylish.

I'm-a just put on a jacket

real quick.

I'm kind of chilly, too.

Let's do this.

Go, go ♪

Hey, buddy. Why so steamed?

[shouts]

Cold milk?

[chuckles]

[grunts] How's that for

certified barista experience?

Hey, would you watch

my laptop for a second?

Oh, yeah, I got you.

[laughs]

You know, CBD has been shown

to do wonders

for cellular regeneration.

Your pathetic attempts

won't stop me.

Girls, use your magical objects.

- [whispers indistinctly]

- We have to say what?

Ugh, fine.

Bong Selleck Blood Force!

- Whoa.

- sh*t. What was my thing again?

- [whispers]

- Birth Control Humor Time!

[rock music playing]

Oh, God. I think

I just got my period.

[shouts]

No!

[grunts]

♪

- [grunts]

- [shouts]

[laughs]

♪

[laughs]

Give me whatever you got ♪

[shouts]

[yawns]

[moans]

- [cheering, applause]

- Hey, whoa. What a hero.

- Nice lats, dude.

- Take my bra.

[exhales]

What the hell?

How did he just get

the credit for that?

Is this thing gonna disappear?

Corpse disposal is not included.

- Seriously?

- Uh

We just chopped up a dead body.

Don't think about it.

Bury it deep inside.

- LULU: Hey, millennials!

- Oh, f*ck. The rent!

Uh, follow my lead.

Do you have my rent yet

or did you TikTok a picture

of your rent

and then Instagram it on Skype

and then put it on Facebook

- in between Twitter and, uh

- About that.

We were just sitting here,

normally, on the couch,

not doing anything

and being totally normal,

and our garbage disposal

got all backed up.

Yeah. Obviously,

we can't pay rent

until the plumbing issues

are fixed.

- You understand.

- We'd hate to have to call 311

and report negligence.

[mutters]: I swear to God,

if I was your mother

Boom, baby. John Wick 3?

Ugh. It smells in here.

Like, those weird

microwave vegan patties.

If you would just try them once,

you would know that

they're actually delicious.

NUT:

That reminds me.

I have a very specific

bamboo-based diet

I'll need you to procure.

I will provide you

with a list of ingredients

- that can be purchased at your local nursery.

- [laughs]

- Definitely not doing that.

- With what money?

Are you gonna be chipping in

on utilities, by the way?

Yeah, that kitty litter

you made us buy for you

- was mad expensive.

- Sacrifices must be made

to protect the universe.

- DAISY: Bullshit. You want to talk about sacrifice?

- [overlapping chatter]

What happens if Bong Selleck

gets a crack in it?

What are we gonna do then?

Are you gonna get me

another Bong Selleck?

And by the way, can I even

still smoke out of Bong Selleck?

Have you ruined Bong Selleck

for me?