01x04 - Anti-Fungal Spit Skanks

[bunniefuu]

Go, go, go, go! ♪

I'm not a man,

not a man of tradition ♪

I just want to get pissed here

in my kitchen ♪

I'm not a loser, no ♪

[grunts]

It's crazy that we haven't

defeated this thing yet,

considering how many succulents

I've k*lled by accident.

This succ' just sucks

extra hard.

Tom Selleck Bong

Tank Hydro Blast!

She's not a loser ♪

[roaring]

Ouch. That hurt,

you drought-resistant prick.

[moans softly]

Okay, class.

Let's, uh, come out

of the deep meditation

that I definitely

led you into on purpose.

I see you did not

make it out unscathed.

Yeah. I guess the thing

broke skin.

A laceration like that

from an otherworldly monster

is vulnerable

to otherworldly infections.

Eh, don't sweat it.

I'll just take

one of my patented

hotbox showers.

They heal all wounds.

I have seen your shower, and

it is a not a place of healing.

[laughs]

Oh, someone's fancy.

Let me guess,

you also think it's gross

that I stick my finger

in my belly button

- because I secretly love the smell.

- Ugh.

- You do that?

- No.

Sup, sl*t?

What? Hello?

Nut was right.

This shower might as well

be caked in pure sh*t.

You filthy little piglet sl*t.

- Oink.

- [grunts, shouts]

Oh, crap.

Quick, create a diversion

by throwing me down the stairs.

ALEX: Hey, Lou-Lou.

How's my favorite tenant?

Oh, I'm at a ten

out of ten ant.

[laughter]

Good one, Alex.

See you at Mahjong later?

[chuckles]

You know it, Lou-Lou girl.

I have never once seen

Lou-Lou laugh.

Is she about to evict us?

[gasps] Or k*ll us?

[gasps]

- Or evict us and then k*ll us?

- No.

She's just not pissed for once.

I've been making so much money

at Aggregon,

I paid our rent and Internet

through next month.

You what?

I am going after life

so hard right now.

I might even talk

to Coffee Dude today.

- [door bell tinkles]

- You what?

- Coffee Dude.

- Coffee Lady.

What's up?

Working hard or hardly working?

Working pretty hard.

- I just started a gig at Aggregon, actually.

- Wow.

You got an Aggregig? Congrats.

Alex is riding this numbskull's

limp d*ck so hard

it's coming out of her nose.

She can't wait to wife him up

and move out of your crusty

skid mark of an apartment.

Did anybody hear that?

- Did someone just say something?

- I said,

- "What have you been up to?"

- I, uh, you know.

- Same old same.

- Wow, you're a f*cking loser.

Hey, screw you, man.

You're a loser.

- Whoa Sorry, I-I d

- Whoa, girl. Chill.

- What the hell, dude?

- [panting]

It's these magical mushroom

things.

They're talking to me.

Dais, I know you're not

working right now,

but don't you think

it's a little early

in the day for shrooming?

Not those kinds

of magic mushrooms.

I'm not on drugs, Alex.

I'm sick.

Okay, geez.

Then go to the doctor.

You know I don't have

health insurance.

I mean, I would be

included on yours

if you hadn't selfishly

refused to marry me.

Uh, she's joking.

I am extremely unmarried.

Never been married.

Which is wild,

because I'd make

an amazing wife.

Just go to the urgent care

where your ex works.

Do you want

to hang out later sometime?

Not "sometime." Later?

Sure. That'd be cool.

- [exhales]

- [grumbles]

I was so happy to hear from you.

Anything you need, anytime.

Even if it's 3:00

in the morning. Uh, really.

Look at this cut.

- Isn't it freaky?

- Your student loans

are getting bigger every second

you sit here, dipshit.

It's a pretty small cut. You

definitely don't need stitches.

See, piss-pube?

You're such a boring tote bag full of boogers

you can't even bleed

in a cool way.

You don't see this?

Can you really not hear

those tiny screams?

Do you want to go for a walk?

It-it might help to talk about it.

Uh, sunlight

is a great disinfectant.

- You're crazy.

- No, I'm not!

I mean, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Thanks.

[sighs]

Well, she'd have

health insurance

if she hadn't

refused to marry me.

DAISY:

Okay, little mushrooms.

You're not real,

and you don't know me.

We know you're too cowardly

to tell your parents

you don't believe

in their turd-brained cult,

'cause then Mommy and Daddy

won't love you anymore.

- [gasps]

- Alex is gonna buy a condo

with her yuppie cloud-f*ck

friends at Aggregon,

and you're going

to be all alone,

struggling to open a cold can

of beans for dinner.

Even your superpowers

aren't yours.

You have to get them

from a magical bong

because you're a pathetic stoner

- with weirdly skinny ankles.

- [knocking on door]

NUT:

Daisy, is everything okay?

The duration of your shower

is approaching three hours.

I told you your cut could get

infected, and it appears it did.

You can see them. And hear them?

I can see them,

but only an infected host

can hear her parasites.

What are they?

They're so mean.

They are called Mushruminations.

As an immortal being,

I'm immune.

Cool flex. So what do I do?

Mushruminations are difficult

to eradicate.

The best tactic is confidence.

How can I be confident

when there's a voice in my ear

telling me that if David Bowie

were alive,

he'd think I was

a narc and a poser?

You cannot let

their attacks upset you.

They thrive on stress.

Okay, so I'll do what I usually

do when I'm stressed

and throw myself into a project.

Not exactly what I meant.

We also need to be sure

to contain the infection.

Who else have you had

physical contact with today?

Hi, can I try these on?

Thanks. Got to find

the perfect first date outfit.

Well, it might not be a date.

First hang.

But I don't want it to look

like I bought an outfit for him.

It's for me, so that I feel

confident. For him.

- You know?

- Yeah.

I don't think a new outfit

will help whatever's

going on with you.

MUSHROOM: She hates you.

She knows you're a spoiled

little mucus licker

who doesn't deserve to shop

in the regular price section.

Go back to the clearance rack

where you belong,

you stubby-fingered grub worm.

He probably only said

he'd go out with you

as part of a bet that he could

get the fugliest dork at school

voted prom queen

and he's gonna lose.

Daisy, what the hell?

Our apartment looks

like your DeviantArt page.

Why are you even home?

Shouldn't you be buying

fancy clothes

to impress

your precious coffee dude?

Why? Do you think he made a bet

about making me ugly prom queen?

Right. Because a prom queen like

you would never want to live

- with a pothead loser like me.

- Silence.

Can you not see

what is happening?

You are both being bled dry

by mushruminations.

Mushruminations?

A parasite from another

universe got into my cut.

- Keep up.

- What?

Oh, God, they're so loud

I can't even think!

I know where we can go to focus.

Third time's the charm, baby.

They keep saying I'm gonna screw

things up with Coffee Dude.

Him? I bet he's at home

right now jerking off,

just thinking about how lucky

he is to get to go out with you.

- Aw, you think?

- [mushrooms retching]

Whoa, cool.

What are yours saying?

That I'm dead weight around here

since you're paying the rent.

Too bad my girl Daisy knows

our value as human beings

isn't defined by our income.

- Am I right?

- Yeah!

Screw you, capitalist dicks!

[mushrooms retching]

NUT: The infection is eradicated

and just in time.

I did not want to worry you,

but mushruminations have

a tendency to spread quickly.

This could have been

quite disruptive.

- [siren wailing]

- [screaming]

I can't make this left.

I'm a terrible driver.

I-I shouldn't have dropped

out of culinary school.

- A-Are you mad at me?

- Are you mad at me?

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, there's no way we can

make this many people

suddenly feel confident,

outside of a Lizzo concert.

The colony must have a leader

who can call off

the mushruminations.

Most likely in an environment

reminiscent of their dank

and fetid home universe.

BOTH: The subway.

You two go on ahead.

I-I trust you.

You just don't want

to get your fur dirty.

You're wasting valuable time.

Go, go, go, go.

I'm deaf, I'm blind,

but I'm all right ♪

I'm poor, I'm broke,

but I'm just fine ♪

I fell asleep down

in the gutter ♪

But it's no worries,

it's as smooth as butter ♪

I'm not a loser, no ♪

- I'm not a loser ♪

- She's not a ♪

- Ew, sick. The smell.

- Oh, gross. The smell.

Oh, geez.

They really do spread fast.

What if this tunnel caves in

and we're squished into toe jam?

I'm never gonna be

as elegant as a chanterelle.

Why can we hear them down here?

Nut said only a host

can hear her own parasites.

I guess it's 'cause these guys

don't have a host.

- Where's your leader?

- We can't tell you,

you pimple-popping dump truck.

You'll try to forage her.

[raspberry]

Don't flatter yourselves.

We just want to talk to her.

We'd never let anti-fungal

spit skanks like you

talk to Mama Mushroom.

In that case, sunlight can

be a great disinfectant.

- [strains] g*dd*mn it.

- Our spores.

Okay. We'll take you to her.

This is as far

as we can take you.

Hey, Mama Mushroom!

You better call off

your mushroom g*ons or else.

Yeah. Or else

we'll kick your a*s.

Guess she wants to do this

the hard way.

[both shout]

MAMA MUSHROOM: Wait.

You're Mama Mushroom?

That's right,

you b*tch-assed piss guzzlers.

We mushruminations

are from Hubris,

a universe where all life-forms

- are overconfident and foolhardly.

- BOTH: Hmm.

In Hubris, mushrooms like me

protect and serve the ego.

We keep it in check.

You'd know that

if you weren't such

self-involved navel-slurpers.

- [moans]

- Now we've formed a new home

in your universe,

to protect you.

Rewind. Protect us?

How is telling me

I'm the human equivalent

of a rotten egg fart

protecting me?

Well, what if you are the human

equivalent of a rotten egg fart?

Isn't it better to know?

- Not really.

- And why would you want to make us feel

like we're gonna

grow apart as friends?

Just so you can be ready

if it does happen.

[sighs]

Mama Mushy, you little dumbass.

You were trying to help us.

Badly.

Why don't we try

to get you home?

You would do that for me?

And for us. Mostly for us.

You don't know

how to do this, right?

Oh, no.

I'm totally bullshitting.

- Birth Control

- Bong Selleck

BOTH: Friendship Portal?

[both grunting]

Holy sh*t.

It's working!

Jesus, I'm actually grateful

to you two dingleberry f*ck-nuggets.

And simultaneously prepared

for all the potential downsides

to this happy moment.

- Want to hear some of them?

- Nope.

Come on, my babies.

[grunting]

No, no, no. Come back!

Self-loathing

is my greatest motivator.

We're coming home, Mama!

- [grunts]

- [exhales]

Incredible.

How did you know

how to open a portal

to the precise universe

the mushruminations came from?

BOTH: Uh

They'll be fine, right?

Are you hungry?

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry. I totally forgot

about our date.

Not date. Hang. Whatever.

No, no, no. I'm relieved

you showed up at all.

I had this voice in my head

all day saying

- you were gonna stand me up.

- Really?

I get really insecure sometimes.

No one wants to date a guy with

these dumb, well-defined lats.

- [raspberry]

- Come on in.

On second thought, let's go out.