01x03 - Sensitivity Training

[bunniefuu]

Why do I always get

stuck with the apprentices?

Because you're a good tradesman.

Oh, come on, Golden Arm.

Stop feeding me the horse sh*t.

Everyone knows those

who can't do, teach.

You're the exception

of the rule,

a good tradesman who is

also a damn fine teacher.

Besides, Homer would

just f*ck her up.

Fair enough. And yes,

I am an

exceptional tradesman.

For the record,

I do not want

to be saddled up

with another inbred

mouth-breather.

Besides, what's this

clown's name again?

Hey!

Hey, why'd you say "her"?

Because today's inbred newbie

mouth-breather is my sister.

What's upppp?

Oh yeah. sh*t.

That's awkward.

What up, sis?

Get ready, rookie.

I'm gonna k*ll you.

Charles :

We're not turning

anything around.

We're turning it off.

Imperial Valley's

production is disappointing

and the return is the

worst it's ever been.

This site's been on

my sh*t list forever.

Charles, it's me.

You know my track record.

Let me do what I was

sent here to do.

Charles :

That town is a

union stronghold

and unions are a

pain in my a*s!

Well, I see an operational

plant with a lot of morale.

Charles :

Morale doesn't trade

on the Nasdaq.

What's my timeline?

Charles :

You do two things.

One, you oversee

the closure and two,

you don't call

and question me

on how I run my

g*dd*mn business!

What's the status

on Bennett?

Comatose. No changes.

If you wakes up,

you let me know.

Understood. Should I-

Go walk in traffic? f*ck me!

Not you.

Just I'll take

the handcuffs.

You guys hear about Hernando

the Portuguese plumber?

Dude fell asleep

in a portajohn

got hauled fifteen

clicks to their facility

and now they're

calling the outhouses

"Portuguese Rocketships".

Ah, I started that rumour.

I'm glad it did the

rounds though .

Homer:

Did they find the person

who's putting water

in everyone's boots?

Oh, I f*ck'

hate that guy.

Or girl.

Oh, sneaky f*ck.

We gotta catch him before,

or her before winter.

Okay, how 'bout the Insulator

who tried to tie his d*ck

in a knot on a dare?

What?

- True.

It's not good guys,

we're f*cked.

I mean, we're-we're effed.

I wanted to prank you guys.

Out with it, Dewey.

Dewey:

I f*cked up.

She's back.

Steph:

What?!

Oh, fun sponge.

Come on!

- Hello, fellas.

Your Sensitivity

Trainer is in da house.

sh*t!

Oh, nope.

No, no, no, no, no.

Ten bucks the new chick called

in Janet to clean us up.

It's destabilization 101.

Sabotage a population

social and cultural systems,

thereby destroying any attempt

to resist or retaliate.

Find your seat, please.

It's right in front of you.

Thank you.

For those of you

who don't know,

my official title is

Sensitivity Trainer.

My name is Janet.

Pronouns: she/her.

You guys know the drill;

I come in here tell you

what not to do and say.

No one listens

and I call it a day.

She's f*cking saying sh*t.

Pay attention.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

You talkin'?

How most of you behave on

the job site is unacceptable.

In the first twenty minutes

I've been here,

I observed

several infractions,

including the use of a

disturbing nickname

Hey, Big Nate!

What's up, buddy?

Big Nate!

- Big Nate!

Big Nate?

Nate-ive?

That's r*cist.

It's clever.

My name's Nathaniel.

And I'm f*ck' huge.

Homer:

That's what she/her said.

Well what about the

comments overheard

about the women

in accounting

and the size of

their posteriors?

What the f*ck you

lookin' at me for?

What? What?

- Bottoms?

Like a g*y dude?

No. No, their butts.

Guys, she's talkin'

about "Bum and Bummer".

That is not their names.

That's their names!

Alright, alright,

enough of this circle jerk.

You three, go do

the valve swap.

You two, back on

the MIG weld in A3.

Everybody good?

Not so fast.

Corporate wants a

full tool roll back.

Anything that grinds,

cuts or welds.

If it's not bolted down

bring it back to the

tool crib for inventory.

f*cking bullshit, Todd.

It's gonna slow

us the f*ck down.

Fuuccckkk!

The f

Understood.

p*ssy! p*ssy!

Let's get to work.

Come on!

p*ssy! p*ssy!

Folded like a lawn chair

on that one, didn't ya?

Tradesman:

All the tools? Every one?

I'll give you another.

One last one of these

'cause I've had enough.

Every tool, Jimi.

Huh. It's a lot bigger

when you're close up.

That's what they all say.

Don't get all distracted,

these pressure gauges aren't

gonna inspect themselves.

That there's my

boy Poopstick.

He and I used to

wrestle in high school.

This guy leaning here doing

absolutely f*ck all

is San Francisco

f*ck' Sneakers.

What?

He constantly

wears kneepads.

Look at 'em.

This guy over here

that's Snot.

f*ck you too, Snot!

Used to be a DJ in town

so we started calling

him DJ Dickface

and DJ Dicksnot.

And now it's just "Snot".

Too many words.

He doesn't mind?

Of course he does.

He f*ck' hates it.

These two clowns

right here

Ah-haha. Yes.

This one here is

"Meat"! Meat!

There's you goin'.

This one here is "Sticks".

What's up?

Kind of sh*t to bet on

the nickname department,

but gets the

f*ck' job done.

You know what I mean?

Anyways, Poopstick!

Snot!

Hey, this here

is Todd's sister.

Keep her f*ck'

classy, gentlemen.

What's up, guys?

I'm Audrey.

Maybe you can call me

Auds or OddJob or

Oh f*ck no.

Todd's Sister, are

you wearing make-up?

No.

Good enough.

Get your sh*t.

We got work. Let's go!

Please, come in

As a trusted foreman,

I wanna go on the record to say

that inventory at this time,

it's a bad call.

And your mints are stale.

Duly noted.

I think we should

put our resources

in the guys on

the flare stack.

I mean, every day that thing's

not upright and online,

we're losing money.

I appreciate you

having my back like this.

Look, I'm here to be

your second in command,

your eyes and ears,

hand of justice.

I've been here

a ton of years

and that means I've

got their trust.

Okay, look Todd,

nothing is happening.

It's standard practise

for new management

to get the lay of the land.

Is it also standard practise

to bring in a Sensitivity

Trainer on your first week?

Are you insinuating I had

something to do with that?

I just think it's a

huge waste of time.

If you must know,

Janet is here

because someone on your

crew called in a violation.

Not one of my guys.

Dale Edgars?

Dewey.

Is this about his lunch?

I mean, the guys like to hide

it and f*ck with his food and,

once we put a, a live

pigeon in his lunchbox.

Chelsea:

It's not that.

We should stop that.

He felt there was inappropriate

graffiti about his preferences.

In the bathroom?

It's just a bit of fun.

Todd, I know you expected to

get this job but you didn't.

Is that gonna be an issue?

Nope. Not on my end.

f*ck' Dewey.

"Standard practise" my a*s.

I keep this place

tight as a titty

and then she has

the nerve to-

Oh, this is fuuuu

fudged up.

How the f*ck are we

supposed to work like this?

Jimi:

IR's are no joke.

I mean, everybody on

this crew swears,

even the f*ck'

retired priests.

It's f*cking hard.

Todd:

And with Janet here,

this inventory's

gonna take a week,

and we're gonna look

like a bunch of idiots.

Steph:

This Chelsea chick will

look like an idiot.

Inventory was her idea,

not yours.

You're not the

Site Manager.

Stephy, you are a

g*dd*mn beauty.

Janet, you wanna come

with me for a minute?

I want to show

you somethin'.

More than anything.

Todd:

You'll love this.

Something. Anything.

Anything. Come on.

You having a stroke

or something, Tase?

Naw, I'm just tryin' to

describe my last poo

as a movie title but

the bar's pretty high.

Todd:

I hear ya.

That's a solid list.

"There Will Be Blood!" Yes!

Todd:

That's nasty, man.

You okay if I bring in Janet?

Yeah. Back in your cave.

Todd:

Come on in.

Hey Janet, you a Trans Am?

No. And if I was,

it would be totally f-

Oh my God.

Yep.

Taser:

Mi casa, su casa.

Or however you say

shitter in Italian.

As a sensitivity trainer,

I thought it'd be best for you

to see the belly

of the beast.

Todd:

I think all this is worth

a few incident reports, no?

You're darn right.

This is defacing

company property.

Um, you are to forbid

your entire crew

from writing on these walls.

Todd:

Well, warm up your pen

'cause there's a lot more

where this came from.

Beautiful.

These little beauts are

what we call incident reports.

I didn't think

those were for real.

Bennett used to shred 'em.

Todd:

Well, he's not here anymore.

The new boss wants to

change who we are.

So, we're gonna get as many

of these f*ck as we can.

You probably don't

wanna see this.

I want you to unleash

all of your greatest hits,

and I'll be sure Janet

is there to enjoy them.

And this is not a

personal vehicle,

this is a company vehicle.

Phaser's on Slack, boys.

When you see a dog,

ya f*ck it!

f*ck dogs!

- Yeah!

Do we have to?

And this is our

wonderful lunchroom.

Not much really

goes on here.

Dewey :

Hey Toddler, are you there?

Go for Todd.

Can you smell it?

Can you smell it?

Todd:

I can smell it.

Oh, come on, Janet.

You're giving a ghost an IR.

No one knows who's

pulling this sh*t.

f*ck sakes.

Todd VO:

Let's make sure by

the end of the day

that woman gets

writer's cramp.

Hey guys.

Tase.

Cramps, cramps,

cramps, cramps, cramps, cramps,

cramps, cramps, cramps!

Special delivery.

We haven't touched

a tool all day.

But these

these are gonna be a ton

of work for the boss.

Thank you, Dale.

That'll be all.

I must admit,

this has been, um,

quite a rush.

Halfway through the day

and already a new record.

So this is not the norm?

Ah, this is abnormal.

It's, um, almost like

the boys are co-operating.

Like they're doing

it on purpose.

Who authorized these?

Foreman Todd Stool.

My buddy Todd.

How many infractions 'til

we can let someone go?

Audrey:

So, what's the story

behind Backwoods?

Do you live off grid?

Are you like a

prepper or somethin'?

Hey man, I get it.

I used to live in

my van for a while.

Yeah, I actually

kinda liked it.

And then there was

this other time

where I had to resort

to food stamps.

So, what's your

origin story?

You wrestle a bear?

How can I score a

cool handle too?

Fine, don't tell me.

For what it's worth,

I get it.

Hey, my dad let me join

Cubs instead of Girl Guides.

So maybe you guys

can call me "Cubby"?

Or like, "Cubber"?

Or "Tommy Boy"?

Word of advice:

Don't rush your

nickname game.

It'll backfire on ya.

No make-up, huh?

Come on, let's keep moving.

You're slowing down.

Only halfway

through the day.

There's the flare stack.

That's the project your

brother's in charge of.

Once that baby's

up and runnin',

this place is gonna

be a fifth gear.

What does it do?

All these crazy

hazardous chemicals

are produced during

the separation process.

That stack burns off

the excess vapours

before it goes into

the atmosphere.

Sweet TED Talk.

I always saw the flame

and thought it was bad.

Oh no, bad if

we don't do it.

See that? Get the tools

away from the edge!

This high up anything

falls out even a bolt

will k*ll somebody.

Good.

Hold on. Wait. Why-why

did we bring the tools?

Backwoods:

Better to have them than not.

Let's go. Let's haul a*s,

Food Stamps.

We got scaffolding

to take down.

Come on!

That stack of

paperwork was huge!

It should keep her

busy for days.

Nice job.

No. Look, we've been

full t*ts causing chaos.

No one's been helping Jimi.

No. I get why

these f*ck-noodles

don't wanna do real work,

but you're better than this.

Come on.

You're f*cking around

instead of figuring out why

corporate's taking inventory.

Come on.

You're right.

Jimi:

No sh*t I'm right.

I'm always f*ck' right.

Hey Tase.

- Jimi.

Oh f*ck. Ah, come on!

- Todd, can you talk to Janet?

She says I'm fired.

- What the f-

He has exceeded the

infraction amount required

for proper termination.

So yes, he's fired.

Whoa. Is-is that even a thing?

It is now.

sh*t, ba*ls, f*ck,

piss on your own d*ck.

How many does he have?

Oh sh*t.

Oh wow.

No, that's a lot.

Janet, can you not take

it to this extreme?

Sit down, let Taser

buy you lunch.

Not my call.

Talk to the Site Manager.

Sorry Big Nate,

you're canned.

Should I call security?

Taser:

Nice plan, dude.

Todd:

First, they give the site

manager job to Chelsea?

Are you kidding me?

That job should have

went to one of us.

Oh, by "us" you mean "you".

Splittin' hairs.

Next, they forbid us from

entertaining ourselves

while we poop?

And now, they're using

Janet to fire our sorry asses.

We're sitting ducks.

But the way I see it,

we've got one move.

Reading your mail, boss-man,

We gotta take out Janet.

What? No!

I got a guy who'll

do it for 2K.

Mine'll do it for a loose meat

sandwich and a six pack.

You guys remember the

Newfie with one eye?

I feel like that

guy do it for free.

Oh yeah.

- Nobody's taking anybody out!

And Janet's not even

the problem here.

And Dewey?

She's here because

of you, dumbass.

There is no way

you've "got a guy."

You talk too much sh*t to

gain that level of trust.

It's true.

So let's keep our focus on

the corporate overlords,

specifically Chelsea.

Weaponizing Janet

was our idea!

Like how dare she!

We're gonna weaponize

her right back.

Those dots on your back

there is a way to

get rid of them.

Wait, you're not

talking about-

We're going where no

crew has gone before,

to partake in a little

something called

Scavenger hunt?

Yeah. f*cking

scavenger hunt, genius.

Yeah. Yeah.

- No, Dewey. Come on.

Homer:

Okay, look, that's

not a real whiteboard.

And this is the stupidest

f*cking thing I've ever heard!

And he stormed Area 51.

Successfully infiltrated.

Sensitivity training

will take weeks.

So I say let them

sanitize us!

From this point on,

no more f*ck,

baglickers, ratfucks,

or c*ck-puppets will

come out of our mouths!

And we will willingly

undergo Janet's program.

Taser:

Good afternoon,

Madame Sensitivity Trainer.

What a lovely day!

Has your buddy been

hitting the gummies?

No, he has not.

We would like to participate

in your "Sensitivity

Training" process.

Wait, you're-you're

not joking?

Taser:

We are not.

My name is Taser,

pronouns he/him.

Janet, please educate us

so we may rid ourselves of these

gosh darn red dots of shame.

Homer:

And step into

the 21st century,

and recognize the

power of our words.

I, um, I thought this

day would never come.

Who wants to go first?

Oh.

And this marvellous dump,

is the lunchroom where

the magic does not happen.

What up, Petey?

New batch?

Hm.

Tastes like sh*t.

- Jesus Christ.

Oh look, another chick

in her natural habitat.

What up, blood?

What the f*ck is that?

Oh sorry,

sometimes it sticks.

What're ya doing?

Oh, there it is.

- Audrey: Nice.

Oh yeah. No, we've met.

Steph's awesome.

She is.

Did you know that we

call her "Solid Nine"?

Which narrowly edged out

"Yoga Pants" and "Slingshot".

Slingshot?

Oh God. Good thing

Janet isn't here.

Okay, so why "Solid Nine"?

I'm known as "Work Hot".

In the refinery,

I'm a nine.

Real world seven?

Give or take.

It's those low-cut

shirts and tatts

that pad those stats, baby.

Hit it. I got it.

Are you guys allowed

to talk like that?

Me and the girls

rate 'em right back.

Like Backwoods is

a eight in here,

I would say out

there is a 5.5.

One.

What?

This mullet is a 10!

God, truth hurts.

Anyways, that's "Food Stamps".

No f*ck' way that sticks.

Unlike your mascara,

which is like

Um, sh*t.

Steph:

You still live with

Tater-Todd, right?

He give you an allowance?

Okay, it's not like that.

I'm not like a mooch.

What's little Moochie

blabbing on about now?

No idea.

Okay. Yeah. Ha ha ha.

Laugh it up f*ck.

Your moustache sucks.

What?!

And what are you

f*ck' looking at?

Backwoods:

Snap!

Classic Moochie.

Classic f*ck' Moochie.

Janet:

Alrighty then.

Now that we've completed

questions one through 235,

will you accept that

scatologically-themed films

are neither amusing

nor appropriate?

I would if I knew

what scatological meant.

The bathroom wall.

"Describe your poop

in a movie title"?

Yes. Completely inappropriate.

Janet:

And any further offences

will be reported to me

by your foreman Todd Stool.

You said "stool".

Shut the frick up.

This isn't funny.

We're going to

be here all day.

I'm just messin' with ya.

From this point forward,

I'm gonna focus so we

can all get outta here.

It's not you I'm

worried about.

A word?

I thought I fired that guy.

You shouldn't assume

anyone's gender.

Also, employees have the

right to fight dismissal,

provided they go

through training.

Productivity has

ground to a stop.

How much longer

will this take?

Ah, based on my calculations

it shouldn't take any

longer than seven weeks.

Son-of-a-b*tch is

doing this on purpose.

Janet:

I've never felt

more important!

I have a role!

I feel valued!

Chelsea:

Turned you into a

weapon against me.

Well, two can play that game.

I'd like to talk

about feelings.

Oh, am I allowed

to have those?

Like this.

That sounds like Taser.

Well played.

Were we playing a game?

Do you know how hard

this f*cking job is?

What me and my

crew go through?

Like humour's

how we survive,

and insults it's

how we communicate.

I hear you, but I

answer to corporate.

It doesn't matter

if you like it,

it doesn't matter

if I like it.

I'll close an eye

on the graffiti,

if you corral your guys

and get back to inventory

like I asked.

I'm not your enemy,

Todd Stool.

You could've fooled me.

Chelsea:

Let's start fresh.

Todd:

Weapons hot, boys.

The bathroom gallery

is open for business.

We have a blank

slate for bone art

and shitty life advice.

Alright.

Wait, even the "Name Your

Last Poo As A Movie" wall?

Especially that.

I got word from up top

there'll be no

further interference.

Good, 'cause I'm

gonna add "True Grit".

Homer:

Woo. Good.

"Anaconda".

That's a big log.

I was gonna put, ah,

"Sleepless In Seattle".

No, like your first poo is the

standing Empire State Building

and you got the two

people on top holding hands.

Okay, well I think we can

do better than that one.

Tom Hanks.

Michael Clark Duncan.

A depression-era prison.

Depression, depression

Chelsea:

A movie based on a

Stephen King novel.

You'll get there.

"The Green Mile".

Awesome. Yes!

Well done!

Dewey:

The boss-lady.

She's taken some shits.

She knows what's up.

Backwoods:

That a girl.

Hmm. Woo!

Oh .

You know, when I

was four years old,

my dad took me on

a camping trip.

I got lost in the

bush for three days.

The press thought

I was dead,

but I was just fine.

Hence, Backwoods.

Jesus!

Backwoods:

Mm-hmm.

The point is

- f*ck!

pain is comedy

around these parts.

You did just fine today,

Moochie.

Moochie? Seriously?

I told you that

in confidence,

and now you're

using it against me.

There, you're a

real piece of work.

Mm-hmm.

How'd my sister do?

Ah. Good enough to earn

herself a nickname.

That was fast.

What is it?

We're going with, ah

We're going with "Todd's Sister"

for the time being.

Todd:

That's original.

Mm-hmm.

- Hmm.

See you tomorrow, Backwoods.

See you tomorrow,

Todd's Sister.

Later, Todd's Sister.

Guess we're back

on inventory.

Oh f*ck!

You ever think of why?

I try not to think

in these parts.

You are a wise man.

Of course

if I was taking inventory,

I'd be thinking about

sealing this b*tch up.

Think she's closing us down?

Like you said

wise not to think

around these parts.

Anyone in here?

Pisstine Crappel.

Whoa!

It's actually pretty good.

What the f-

What the?

c*ck suckers!