01x07 - The Piss Test

[bunniefuu]

Holy f*ck!

Hey!

You're about to burn a

hole in junior, here.

Ah sh*t!

Go home. Get some rest.

I'm good. We've only got

three more welds on this line.

We'll handle it from here.

We work safe, not fast.

Your words, brother.

You're right.

You're right.

So Leonard said we're on track

to mount the tip this week.

This is a group

of hard workers.

That is fantastic!

Isn't there a famous quote

about workers stepping

up to the plate

when times are tough?

Yeah. You're too tired

to remember it.

Bingo.

Go home and

get some rest.

I just gotta

grab my glasses.

You're wearing them.

I don't know Charles Conch,

I've never met the man.

Hopefully he sees what we're

doing and jumps on board.

I never thought

in a hundred years

this place would shut down.

Oh, the doors aren't

closed just yet.

Got time to lean-

There's time to clean!

Todd:

Very original.

I'm out.

Okay, good.

Todd:

Don't install that

section without me.

Marcus:

Night, brother.

Todd:

Goodnight.

Marcus:

sh*t. This ain't good.

Dewey:

It's a gift from

the Heavens, Tase.

An untapped skill

and a burden.

Taser:

I don't believe you.

Dewey:

You've never tested me.

Try it.

Alright, um

what did your dad's farts

smell like when you were a kid?

Having a photographic memory

means I remember visuals,

not smells, you dumbass.

Okay, visuals. I got it!

When you were being born,

what did the inside of your

mom's p*ssy look like?

Well, it was dark.

Dewey!

What?

Surprise piss test!

We're on lockdown!

Dewey:

Now?

Wait, wait. I need

Taser!

All right,

have a good day, bud.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.

You know the drill.

Pee in Daddy's traveller.

Come on.

Whizzanator.

Boys, line up,

one at a time.

One at a time.

One at a time.

Alright, make it easy.

One at a time.

One at a time.

Got what ya need.

I'm running low on stock.

Alright guys, line 'em up.

Easy, easy.

I got all the stock.

Don't worry.

Alright boys, keep 'em comin'

Here you go.

I'm runnin' out of stock, guys!

I need a d*ck, man. Bad.

You don't have

anything more pale?

With freckles, maybe?

Well, ya shouldn't have

ruined your old one, man.

I told you,

they're not

dishwasher-friendly.

Come on, man,

make up your mind.

Oh, is that someone

else's piss?

Ah, yeah.

Most of us keep a cooler of

it in the trunk of our car.

Audrey:

Oh f*ck!

I smoke a ton of dope.

I'm f*cked!

What do I do?

sh*t! Do you have any more?

Yeah, take this.

Dump the piss in a cup.

Simple as that.

Won't someone

be watching me?

p*ssy privilege, baby.

Who's piss is this?

Oh. Ah, I source it from

an Italian nun in the Alps

who drinks nothing but

glacial water and herbal tea.

Really?

What the f*ck? No!

One of my tenants hands

me a mason jar once a month.

You're leaking.

Oh, f*ck.

I've got one d*ck left!

I'll take it. I'll take it.

Proceed with caution.

Dr. Bridges is a

former military vet,

two tours,

with the personality

of a chicken nugget.

Courtesy washrooms

around the corner.

Thank you.

Homer.

Doc.

After you.

I better not see my

piss on the dark web.

Homer, I won't

look at your c*ck.

We rely on the

honour system here.

f*ck.

Oh! f*ck' nasty.

No evidence.

Enjoy.

Don't drink it

all in one gulp.

Audrey:

Still warm.

Next!

And that's when I woke up

in an alley in Tijuana with

the taste of cigarettes

and agave in my mouth and

a belt around my throat.

I'd been gambling

with the locals

and I had a cartel member's

p*stol in my mouth.

That's because his wife

gave me a foot job

underneath the table.

Plantar warts.

Feet only,

or do they spread?

Hmm?

Doesn't matter.

Man, I've repressed

these memories.

It's the first time in

a decade that Medhi's been clean

and it's all flooding

into my brain.

It's almost distracting.

And it's making me horny.

Wow.

Leonard:

It's not complete.

I've examined all

of his drawings,

his process,

but this section

doesn't make any sense.

I mean, I could fill

in the blanks, but

Not the time for guesswork.

So we're in the thick of this

and they suddenly decide to

run a refinery-wide screening.

Oh you m*therf*cker.

What did I do?

No, not you.

An unscheduled urine

test locks us down.

It slows our progress.

We can't leave, but I know

who can get this to Medhi.

Okay, so maybe let's

not swear anymore.

Todd :

Yello.

Okay, good, you're awake.

I was just about to lay down.

No, don't go to sleep!

Wait, have you started

your nighttime routine?

Kinda.

Audrey :

Don't do it.

We need you alert, okay?

'Cause there's like a piss test

happening at work right now.

Is it Doc Bridges?

Yeah, it's him and

a couple of techs.

That's not good.

Hey, it's Leonard.

The engineer.

There's missing calculations

on Medhi's schematics.

We need you to come grab the

blueprint and bring it to Medhi.

He's in rehab.

And I don't speak engineer.

Well, we've got that covered.

Todd :

Good, 'cause I just took

a handful of gummies.

Ah, can you meet us at the

southeast perimeter fence?

Yep. I'll leave right now.

Okay.

Todd:

I'm gonna be f*cked.

But it's not my first

barbecue, dickhead.

Todd:

They haven't even

kicked in yet.

sh*t. I better

hurry the f*ck up.

Everything alright?

Oh, everything is gravy, Doc.

Yeah, just, uh,

it's an old injury.

Ah, my nuts.

I got rammed by a

goat when I was a kid.

Have you been screened

for testicular cancer?

You know, it affects

man of all ages.

I'm-I'm sure it's not cancer.

It's stage fright.

I gotta get a

flow going here.

And, uh, II squish

my nuts a lot.

You know it's,

I own an E-bike.

Need some help?

I can hold the cup.

Here, gimme the cup.

There you go.

Empty mind, empty bladder.

Just think of a

trickling stream.

A babbling brook.

Ah, yeah.

Oh, there we go.

You're almost at

the fill line,

get ready to pinch off.

You can stop now.

Stop!

Ugh!

Oh, ah

so my d*ck fell off.

Ah, the cancer is,

it's aggressive.

Well, thanks to

our friend here,

the honour system

is in the toilet.

Everyone will now provide

a sample in front of me.

What?

Hey, pay attention!

I'm not done.

Ah f*ck!

Doc Bridges:

There'll be no excuses,

no exceptions,

except for the women.

f*ck' Dewey.

Tell anyone who's already

provided a sample,

we are retesting.

Audrey:

It just winds

around and around,

so it's like,

it's a miracle.

We are f*cked!

We are so f*cked!

Dewey's d*ck fell off right

in front of Doc Bridges.

His d*ck fell off?

Yes, his d*ck.

His fake d*ck.

The one we use for

swapping out piss.

Anyways, Doc Bridges

wants new samples.

We don't have any

more clean piss.

That's a problem.

- Yes.

Full disclosure:

There's a slight chance

that marijuana might

show up in my system.

f*ck' think?

98% of the plant's

gonna be pissin' hot.

We need clean piss

and we need it asap!

sh*t. I was just starting

to get a hang of this job.

Sure you were.

Chelsea:

Okay. So we need to

gather a lot of water,

and the handful of people

who don't party. That right?

Correct!

Okay. Well, I don't partake,

so my urine will be clean.

That's even better.

Good. You and the

rest of the nerds

can piss all

over the place.

The problem now,

is how are we gonna swap

out the piss samples?

You ready?

Ready.

Guys? Guys? I, I don't

think he's ready.

Todd:

Oh, I'm f*cking ready,

you nerd.

Remember, keep your

as*h*le clenched.

What? Now is that a thing?

No. Wait, wait, wait!

Not ready.

Leonard:

Ow.

You don't seem like

you're a hundred percent.

I'm super focused.

And a really good

driver when I'm baked.

The vehicle's not even on.

Exactly. You're gonna drive.

Bev:

All done.

That was a good one.

Good work, Bestie.

Hey, how come you're

not hydrating?

Oh, me?

I ate a weed brownie

on the weekend.

Too risky.

I think I can

squeeze one out.

You can do it, Jimi.

I believe in you.

Whew! Very interesting smell.

It's like full bodied, earthy.

Whew!

Hey Steph,

maybe get that ozone

generator from the crib

if you get a chance.

Weak stream there, Jimi?

Prostate. It'll come.

Ah.

Yes! There it is!

Jesus. No splashing.

Some people have to

work in there, you know.

Jimi:

Hey, I'm half blind.

You're distracting me now.

Barb:

Oh my God.

Hey guys, I'm estimating

we have about enough here

for maybe half the samples.

How's everyone feeling?

How are we gonna do

this switch anyway?

Audrey:

Who's the best

"faker" on site?

You mean bullshitter?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, two people

come to mind.

Alright. Every

little bit helps.

Barb:

Watch it, Steph!

Oh God! That was not enough

to make it worth their while.

Ooh, we got an encore coming.

Okay.

We don't want to kick

him off the wagon.

We just want to dangle him

off the side a little bit.

Didn't you check him in?

You reassigned the donations

from the golf tournament.

I thought Medhi was

one of your friends.

I think we're friends.

He calls me buddy.

But we just don't speak

the same language.

He's really smart.

You have a weird way of

treating your "buddy".

Todd:

He's been sober

for like a week,

a week and a half.

It's not like he's

losing a month.

I feel like I've been

here before. Weird.

Oh, you are too messed

up to be in here.

Todd:

I'm fine.

Put it away, Todd.

Don't ruin a

man's new life.

f*ck' relax.

Ah! Suck it, Dwayne!

Better luck next time!

Boys!

Oh, you checking in?

Can we borrow you

for a minute?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Not unless you beat me.

I'm undefeated.

We can't stay long.

It's about your blueprints.

The innovation?

Did you paint that?

It's really f*ck' great.

Oh, I feel like this painting!

Oh, I owe you Todd.

I have never

felt this good!

So, which one of you

is better at ping pong?

Ah

Yeah.

Come on, Leonard.

Let's do it, baby!

Barb:

Oh, it, ah, smells

better in here.

You guys owe us

some new candles.

Not a problem.

I know a guy.

I think, I think you

guys are water drunk.

Which is an actual thing.

Oh, I gotta pee!

Oh, I know that.

I-I like you.

I think that might

be the water talking,

but I like you too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you wash your hands?

Steph :

Two minute warning,

Pee Squad.

We're goin' in.

Prepare the payload.

Copy that.

Okay.

Everything is covered in piss.

Literally. Ugh!

Backwoods:

Holy f*ck, Doc,

you gotta stand that close?

Jesus. You gonna be licking

your lips soon enough.

Divert your eyes a

little, would ya.

Dr. Bridges?

Yes?

Hi. A guy took a tumble

down some stairs.

I was afraid to move

him and it looks, ah

looks

Stephy.

Stephy!

Looks good.

It looks bad!

He is really hurt.

He's hurt?

- Yes.

Okay. Everybody out.

Backwoods:

We better go.

Oh, I gotta cut it off. Sorry.

- Let's go.

Oh, it spilled on me.

- I'm sorry. Let's hurry.

We've got it.

He's probably got a broken

back or hemorrhaging.

Oh, come on.

Code Blue. Code Red.

Code f*ck' green.

Code orange.

Just f*cking make

'er happen, Doc.

Holy f*ck!

Big Nate's down.

Steph:

He's in here, Doc.

Help me!

Tase!

Taser:

Oh, over here.

Tase, you all right?

Oh, you're here.

sh*t, brother.

Ugh.

I fell from up there.

All the way up there?

Stabilize his neck.

Ugh. It was just a stumble.

But these boots

I think someone

switched my boots.

Backwoods:

Switched your boots?

Taser:

Yeah.

Someone's gonna pay.

Taser:

Y'know how you,

you take that baby step to

stop yourself from tripping?

Yeah. Yeah.

Works great if you've

got your own boots,

ones that fit.

But these boots are not mine.

What are we gonna do, Doc?

Can you concuss yourself from

falling down the stairs?

Yes, you can.

Yeah.

Dr. Bridges:

How many fingers?

That one's a thumb.

Ugh.

Dewey:

This is like building

model planes.

Bev:

Oh my God, Dewey.

Ew. Uh uh.

Barb:

No! You got some on me.

Audrey:

Okay, you upright citizens.

Chelsea:

You guys are doing great.

Bev:

Keep your eyes

on the prize.

Chelsea:

We're almost there.

You're wasting it!

Dewey:

The top goes on so you

don't get peed on.

Secure.

Barb:

Yes, yes!

Audrey:

We're so close!

Last one coming

down the pike.

Dewey:

I like this feeling.

Audrey:

Almost done here.

What about-what

about the booze bra?

The booze bra?

No outward signs of injury.

Good. Good. That's good.

No tenderness or swelling.

Great.

Taser:

I'm pretty sure I bruised

my kidney on a stair.

Dr. Bridges:

Alright, let's get

him outta here.

Oh, Doc, don't move me!

Oh, oh!

sh*t!

Oh, yep!

Yeah, it f*ck' hurts.

It hurts.

Oh, we might need

an ambulance.

Oh God. Don't touch it,

don't touch it, don't touch it.

It's just an old injury.

It just pops out

every time I sneeze.

I'm all good.

Audrey:

Oh, almost spilled it.

Dewey:

Okay, all good.

Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go!

Damn.

Dewey did good.

- Yes.

Dewey:

Oh God. Get the tape.

Oh.

And that's how it's done.

Dr. Bridges:

Is it tender right here?

Backwoods:

Yep, yep, yep!

It's f*ck' all tender there.

Just be-just be

It's fine. It's fine.

Backwoods:

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh yeah.

What'd you look at that, Doc?

Oh, you're a

miracle worker.

Doc, I feel fine.

Sometimes it's just

knowing somebody cares

makes all the difference.

Mm-hmm.

Yep. Yep. That's great, Doc.

Hell of a physician.

What a doctor.

Whew! Yep.

It's, ah, see ya, Doc.

That hurt for real.

f*ck' hold me.

Steph:

No f*ck' way.

Leonard:

Between the coffee stains

and the torn up

sections and the tape

I can't make sense of this.

Fellas, I'm clearheaded.

Listen

I hear

I hear nothing, huh?

No grinders,

no heavy machinery,

no swearing.

Look guys, I know you

value my intelligence,

but this invention

is special.

It came from chaos and,

uh, and a lot of weed.

Okay, well, I tried using

Young's modulus results

in a surface area that's

larger than the "L" factor,

so I know that's not

how you got there, but

Nerd.

Do you know how

you got there?

Do you even know

if it's right?

That's brave for a virgin.

I'm married.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If we don't sort this out,

it could be catastrophic.

Ugh. I-I'm telling you guys,

I-I-I-I can't remember.

What if there was a way

for you to find your way

back into the chaos?

No! No!

You can do this

without getting high.

I made copies so we can

leave them with you.

Give you time to

figure it out.

We don't have time!

Corporate is trying

to destroy us!

All of us!

Well, um, we could

go to someone else.

I've got friends

from university.

Someone can help us.

You sure you know someone?

Yeah.

You're a good friend, eh?

Look, this is right.

This is how we heal.

You give 'em hell

in here, buddy.

You got this.

That's it?

He comes in here f*cked

out of his gourd

and basically puts a

loaded g*n on the table

and you let him

off the hook?

g*n?

It was a weed pen, man.

You shut up, dude.

You boohoo'd a few tears

and you hugged it out

and now you're square?

If you two weren't my seniors,

I'd tell ya both to F-off!

Todd:

Chill.

You already swore earlier.

You wanna hear swearing?

I got lots of swears for you,

m*therf*cker bullshit b*tch!

Todd:

Yeah! Okay.

as*h*le.

See you like that, b*tch.

You're k*lling my buzz, man.

You're k*lling my buzz!

I don't even have

a buzz, f*ck Face.

There's the chaos.

There's-there's the weed.

Gentlemen, I have two meetings

scheduled this afternoon.

All right. I'll pick up

another newcomer medallion

and I'll talk

to my sponsor.

All is well.

Relax.

I'm not getting

high to get high.

I am getting high to help.

That was deep.

I don't feel

good about this.

Me either.

Hey, gimme that.

Somebody's gotta drive.

I'm fried. Big time.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Todd:

The power of weed.

Stellar work, you two.

Barely knew you were there.

It was a one

man show today.

Careful with those samples.

Well, apart from the

numerous setbacks

and the exposure

to human waste

Another micro tear

in my rotator cuff.

It's no big deal.

And my abused bladder.

It all worked out.

You guys need

any more piss?

Found a few more

litres in my locker.

Ah, f*ck you.

That sucks.

Raise your hand if you want

to come to Imperial Valley.

Jamar, thank you

for volunteering.

Since you love that place so

much you're comin' with me.

Pack your bags!

Um, sounds good, sir.

What's on the agenda?

I'm going there to

do your f*ck' job.

You get that junky

weasel on the line.

I need to have a

chat with him.

We're gonna shut the

f*ck' place down!

Y'all suck!

I'll remember this when

determining Christmas bonuses!

Charles:

Jamar:

I'm coming!

f*cking Imperial Valley.