02x01 - Laying Pipe

[bunniefuu]

[Male Announcer
reads text on screen]

[Musical jingle]

[brigh]

[loud rock music]

♪ Everything is bleak

♪ It's the middle of the night

♪ You're all alone

♪ And the dummies
might be right ♪

[Todd screaming]

AH! f*ck!

Right on the tip of my d*ck!

Of all f*ck' days for
this to happen. Ugh.

Ah! f*ck!

[workers laughing]

Yeah, f*ck'
hilarious, isn't it?

[Todd's stomach rumbling]

Oh. Oh Jesus.

Oh God.

[Todd grunting]

I barely made it.

Coffee hit your lips, you
gotta sh*t, am I right?

You might wanna clear out, Tase.

I gotta drop a nuke.

Just did a bombing run.

Upper decker.

[expl*sive flatulence]

[phone chiming]

[Taser chuckling]

[phone chiming]

Hey, Todd.
- Oh sh*t.

Oh, uh- Just on my way up.

Yeah, no worries.

Whenever someone's
ten minutes late,

I give a courtesy call.

You okay? I can't see you.

I'm, I'm all good.

I'll see you in a few.

What did you wanna talk about?

A new general foreman
position opened up.

[loud farting noises]
I went to bat for you.

There, surprise ruined.

[tiny fart noise]

Uh, Todd?

Oh, uh, f*ck. Thanks.

Uh, it comes with an office
and a fancy coffee machine.

I, I really
appreciate the offer,

but things changed for me after
the, the flare stack weld.

I miss being back on the tools.

Made me realize,

not everyone can handle
the rod like Todd.

[Todd grunting]
[loud farting noises]

[Todd]. Oh sh*t.

Uh, so you wanna be
back on the tools?

I mean, I'm fine with that.

No, not in Imperial Valley.

I got a job working pipeline
that starts next week.

I feel like I need
the time away,

[loud farting noises] and
with you back as site manager,

I feel like this place
is in good hands.

And you really fit
in well around here.

Thanks. But, sh*t.
- [farting] Oh no.

Uh, well at least
come say goodbye

after you wash your hands.

I hope you didn't see too much.

Can't see you, but I can hear.

See you in a few.

Oh for f*ck's sakes!

Are you kidding me right now?!

f*ck' nice one, Tase,
you stealthy prick.

[soft country music]

♪ Miles and miles
wide open for me

♪ Got it all laid
out so beautifully

♪ Don't you worry
'bout a thing, baby

♪ We can run away
from it all ♪

[Backwoods]. Another one
in the book for Golden Arm.

How's she lookin'?

Any prettier, I'd lick it and
try to stick my d*ck in it.

Are you tryin' to get me hard?

Carpenter's slowing you down?

Passing you wooden rod or what?

Hey, hey, the good Lord
Jesus was a carpenter.

And God must have been a welder.

Amen, Ronnie.

The Toddfather threw in
another masterpiece, Ronnie.

[Ronnie]. It's all right.

Well, let's get it tested
and hustle back to camp.

It's poker night, boys.

I'm starvin'.

You ready to f*ck the sh*t out
of some crab legs, big boy?

Damn straight.

No man's leaving this
camp without gout.

f*ck' love gout!

What in the Tommy f*ck is?

For sh*t sakes, the
truck's got a tail again!

[Todd]. Ronnie,
f*ck' prankster.

[Backwoods]. The
guy's a f*ck' child.

[rhythmic harmonica music]

[machine beeping]

It's a total babe magnet.

They respect authority.

It's not about the power, Dewey.

It's about the paycheque.

She let's me wear the
hat when we make sex.

Yeah, when they see the
white hard hat coming,

they drain your nuts
and take your bucks.

Oh, I am being used.

Well aware of it.

But Tase, she had an
earring on her woo-hoo.

A piercing?

No, that's a walk in the park.

I had a girl one
time, she had three-

Three piercings down there?

Wow.

Not three piercings,

three t*ts.

Triangle pattern
or Total Recall?

And how do you motorboat that?

Wouldn't you like
to know. [chuckles]

Stupid thing.

Dewey, get the gate.

I'm above this grunt work.

Dan the man sees all.

Don't give him a reason, Tase.

He'll can your a*s.

I don't give two shits
about you, lover.

Lift with your legs, Q-C.

Our security booth ain't
no dumpster, dipshit.

Ugh.

Yeah, I'll get it, boss.

I'll give the
booth a good clean.

I told you he sees all.

[Danny]. I'm
writing you both up

under Housekeeping policy 27-A.

You bag-licking
rat, get the gate.

[Roach]. No, f*ck! [grunts]

[Steph]. Look at
these brazen casuals.

I'm getting flashbacks
from the strike of '88.

f*ck' scabs everywhere.

They'd pull any
a*s off the street.

These guys don't know their
dicks from their noses.

Hey!
- Come on.

Give him his ladder back!
He's gonna break his legs.

Get it back up there.

No, I got strong arms.

And fingers.

They're always up your
nose, you booger eater.

I don't eat my boogs.

I like to roll 'em and
flick 'em. [chuckles]

[grunts] Oh.

Why did this Danny f*ck

just bring in all these
non-union wingnuts?

Same reason as always,

moolah.

Okay, but Chelsea's
site manager.

She could can his a*s
and clean this up.

Not that simple.

Corporate's pulling the strings
like the Wizard of f*cking Oz.

The new G-F,

he's a Conch lackey

with a mission for
union decertification.

Thanks again, Todd.

Did you catch those
no-name junk foods

that they've been stocking
the vending machines with?

They're trying to
poison us slowly.

You don't have to eat it, man.

Oh, you sweet summer child.

You still think we have choices.

But I'm onto to
these m*therf*ckers.

I've hired a dietitian.

I've been fasting.

[Steph]. Medhi's
his new food guru.

Medhi's a quack now.

Okay, and now my arms are
actually getting tired.

Okay, joke's over.

Somebody go help him.
- Pick it up.

Thank you.
- Put it back right now.

Uh, hi boss.

It's, uh, 10:00 AM

and we've already set a new
record for safety violations.

Union guys by chance?

No, it's permittees again.

And I'm wondering when
are you expanding my team,

because I can't
keep up with it all.

We have experienced
personnel here.

[Danny]. Don't bet on it.

Un-f*cking-likely.

You know, if Todd
were still around,

none of this bullshit
would be happening,

But he abandoned us
like a deadbeat dad.

Whoa!

[Steph]. Mm-hmm. Wow.

Okay, there you have it.

I think I pierced my bag
with a screwdriver, man.

Oh yeah, what kind?

Phillips? Flathead?

[Roach groaning]

[Jimi]. Oh geez.

No man, a metal one.

He doesn't know.
He doesn't know.

Is that a,

is that a ham sandwich
in your pocket?

I...

Just-just a little
bit. Just a little bit,

just a little bit,
just a little bit.

[Jimi]. Get away from me! It's
not your g*dd*mn sandwich.

Stop touching me there!

Just the crust!
- [Jimi] No!

[Homer]. Jimi,
you're k*lling me.

[Roach]. Man down!

A new wrench.

[machine whirring]

Great. Another f*ck'
flashlight, huh?

Wow, just brilliant,
it's brilliant.

And yet they replaced me.

Imagine that.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

Stocking stuffers?

[Danny]. You gotta make
me proud teamsters.

You ready to do the rounds?

Are you ready?

Q-C is just the tip
of the d*ck, Dew-Dew.

Put it in the hole.

Show me that you're ready.

No open beverages on the floor!

Tripping hazard in a mock zone.

Get a mop and bucket to
clean up the mop and bucket.

Does this negative
reinforcement really work?

It kind of feels like

when my dad would lock
me in the furnace room

with no light for hours.

[Danny]. It's like
training a dog.

You gotta break the spirit
without breaking the soul.

All right?

All right, all right.

So we're perfectly clear,

all you union potatoes

are very replaceable.

Like you, Biscotti.

And don't think your pretty
little union will protect ya.

You know what I can do.

Malibu Safety!

What's the f*ck' deal
with the Striper Tower?

Well, Roach nearly
tore off his scrotum,

so I shut it down.

Not your decision, safety chick.

That comes from a higher power.

[Dewey]. Ball of Knowledge,

here we go.

Coming your way in your hand.

[in unison] Magic 8 ball.

One shake is the same as
eight with these things.

Yeah.
- It's gonna be-

[Jimi]. One time.
Just flip it over.

Better not tell you now.

Right.

I'll let ya know later.

On brand.

Oh, no, no. What to do?!

[Danny]. Dewey!

Oh, I'll get you
another one, boss.

I'm gonna take one for the team.

[Danny]. That's
God's Gatorade.

Drink it.

No, no, no, Dewey,
don't drink that!

That is not water!

It's knowledge.

[Dewey]. It's good, boss.

[lively music]

Deal me in.

Time to lose, ladies.

Chicklets, that's
your one beer quota.

We don't want you pissing
the bed, understood?

[everyone laughing]

Well, this week's welding champ,

ten weeks in a row.

Yoink!

Easy there, curly fries.

Get your hands off
my property, bud.

While you boys were out
getting matching suntans,

we hit an extra weld.

This welder and his helper,

we're pretty good at math.

And that puts us up by...

One, sucker!

[laughing and cheering]

For the Golden Arm! Oye! Oye!

[Ronnie]. Good times
don't last forever, boys.

Let's talk about layoffs.

Volunteers?

Who misses their
boyfriend back home?

[chuckling]

Hey, I hear that the
CornPulse bag lickers

are running away with the
softball league again this year.

Those dickwaxing cheaters.

I know. They need our bats.

So I say maybe we go back there,

get some Ws and some dingers,

and maybe we make it to
the finals this year.

How did you know this?

Taser writes me letters.

He's the only one
who talks to me.

I know what you're trying to do.

I've been ignoring this
calling for too long,

I love it here.
- So do I.

Well, I'm having fun

and I'm finally gettin' to
do something for myself.

Why is everyone so
pissed off at me?

What the hell did I do?

[Backwoods]. You f*cked the
dog and sold the puppies.

But realistically,
they're jealous.

I mean, we didn't really
have to come out here.

I needed to.

[Backwoods]. I get it, man.

Deal me in, boys.

[Ronnie]. You won the belt
fair and square, boys, okay.

Here you go.

Cheers, you
chicken-headed f*ck.

Thanks, Ronnie.
- Thanks, Ronnie.

[everyone cheering]
[Ronnie laughing]

[Backwoods]. Look, I've been
trying to be respectful,

and keep you out of
it as long as I could,

but the guy they
hired instead of you

is a piece of sh*t in a toilet
bowl that will not flush.

The place is an
absolute cluster-f*ck.

[Ronnie]. I'll raise 500.

Well, that sucks for them.

I call.

For them?

You mean our crew?

Yes it does.

You know Hollywood Pete?

They just tanked his a*s

after 32 f*ck' years!

I'll raise 1250.

What did he do?

He didn't have earplugs.

But he's deaf!

I know. Fold.

Anyways, this Danny
guy's running maintenance

like a f*ck' turnaround.

He's making everybody's
lives a living hell.

I'll raise five thousand.

Ooh. [chuckles]

Did you say Danny?

That sounds like
that son of a b*tch

they brought into Goose Bay.

Goose Bay was boomin'
until that foot jacker

ran it into the f*ck' ground.

Danny McFuckin' Rules.

What a f*ck' as*h*le he was.

[Todd]. Call.

McRules? Fake southern accent.

Looks like he's 12
months pregnant,

eats 10 pounds of bacon a day,
and smells like ball cheese?

Not only did that f*ck
blanket ruin my town,

he stole my f*ck' b*tch.

No!
- Oh, that cuts deep.

Her name was Tatiana.

I'll raise ten thousand.

Holy f*ck!

Woohoo!

[Backwoods]. Are
you f*ck' high?

Are you seriously
thinkin' about doing this?

[Ronnie]. Whatcha
gonna do, Golden Arm?

Sorry, man. I'll raise.

Oooh.

You know I'm good for the cash.

I'm willing to put all of
my rig cheques into the pot.

[Backwoods]. This is some big
f*ck' dough here, brother.

I'll put my actual
rig on the line.

[men]. Oh!

You welders make too
much f*ck' money.

Call.

[Ronnie]. Aces full.

Oh!

[Ronnie chuckling]

[Todd]. Quad Kings.

[men cheering]

Holy f*ck!

[Todd]. I guess that's that.

[Backwoods]. Oh, you just won
a f*ck' truck, Toddinator!

Wow!

[lively music]

Hmm.

Morning, Todd.

What do we have here?

That's romantic.

And that needs to come down.

[Homer]. Gently. Gently.

We got it. We got it.
We got it. We got it.

Homer, you're doing so well,

you need to stick to the plan.

I can't.
- What?

I'm sorry.

Tase. Tase.

You gotta help me, man. Please.

I'd buy you your B7,

but somebody put
caulk in the slots.

Wow. Weird.

Who would do that?

Yep, someone put some
caulking in them.

Good on them, though.

None of us should be
eating any of that garbage.

My body's eating itself.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you okay buddy?

Just one chip.

One lick.

Yeah, don't damage
company property.

There's f*ck'
cameras everywhere.

[Homer grunting]

You better fix this
machine, Medhi.

I swear to God, I'll
eat you if I have to.

Your system is realigning.

[chuckling] What
are you gonna do?

Throw a chair through the glass?

Good idea.
- [Steph] No, no, no!

Don't make me fire
you as a client!

I should fire you.

I'm going in.

Stop!

[Homer grunting]

What has gotten into you all?

God, just calm down.

Now we're all feeling some
pressure from the top down.

There's cameras
in the lunchroom.

What's next, the pisser?

No, he's not gonna do that.

That's ill*gal.

Damn right it's ill*gal.

I'm telling you,

there's gonna be videos of us
taking a sh*t on the dark web.

[Ronnie]. Gonna have
some fun tonight, boys.

I guess you guys are buying?

For a guy who just
lost a $75,000 truck,

you sure are chipper. [laughs]

Nothing like losing
Tatiana, man.

Sorry about that, man.

[Backwoods]. This sh*t again?

This log jockey knows
we got the right of way.

[Todd]. Does it look
like he gives a f*ck?

[Backwoods]. Breaker
nine, beaver fever,

there's rules to this road.

We wrote the rules, f*ck brain.

Now listen to me,
you chicken shits.

Bok-bok-bok-bok-f*ck-f*ck-off!

Cak-cak-cak-c*ck-sucker!

Honestly, we need to
teach this skunk-eater

a lesson right now.

Let's ram 'em!

That's a great idea.

So that's the plan?

A head-on collision
to start the night?

Mm-hmm.

Boys, this was their road
long before we showed up.

[both laughing]

Listen man, don't
be soft, Stool.

f*ck these birch bark
thong-wearing donkeys.

Let's f*ck' ram 'em.

You serious?

f*ck' ram 'em.
- f*ck' ram 'em.

[Backwoods]. Give
it to him hard!

[Ronnie]. He can take it!

Oh, you want to go, big boy?

Here we go, boys.

[Backwoods]. Yes, yes, yes!

Yeahhhhh!

Brace yourselves, boys.

It's a big f*ck' truck!

No!
- [Backwoods] No, it was a joke!

[indiscernible yelling]

f*ck!

You f*cking crazy?

[Digger]. Chop
Chop is undefeated!

[Backwoods]. f*ck you!

[Digger]. Nah, f*ck you!

Are you f*ck' insane, man?

You almost wrecked
my f*ck' truck.

Uh, my truck?

And what happened to,
"Let's ram him", Ronnie?

[Chelsea]. Roach might
not be able to have kids.

What happened to Dewey?

He's supposed to
be quality control.

Mountain Dewey is quality
and he is in control.

You're just not seein' it.

These incidents are escalating.

What if someone dies?

Cost of doin' business.

This gator strap cost more
than the lizard's life I took.

You didn't sh**t an alligator.

You bought that
thing at the mall.

And what's with the
shitty Southern accent?

You're from Alberta.

It makes me likeable and sexier.

Okay.

[Danny]. I see the ex-girlfriend
hasn't been showing up to work.

That's too bad.

I love me some Scissor Sisters.

[chuckles] It's okay.

I've been g*y a few times.

Just never with
a new apprentice.

No wonder no one can stand you.

[Danny]. I can't stand them.

I see it all on my monitors.

Hilarious.

I even caught "Ozemprick"

trying to steal from
the vending machine.

That's suspension worthy.

Okay. I'm gonna
have a conversation

with board members
about your bullshit.

The Conch's want me here.

I'm way closer to the
family than you ever were.

You were Charles' gal,

but look what you did to him.

He's probably got a face tattoo

and is gettin' rammed
in the butt right now.

In the butt!

No matter how you slice it,

we have to work together.

Oh yeah?

A tornado's approachin'

and the wind smells like
expensive perfume and a,

a Gucci snail trail.

Ugh.

Charles' daughter's comin'
and she wants her allowance.

Jenn Conch is coming here?

Excited to have another,
another woman around?

[Danny giggling]

Oh, come here. [giggles]

Oh, is that your dog on site?

This little princess is my
own personal support animal.

So you are perfectly
street legal, aren't ya?

Oh yes, oh yes you're good.

Oh, thank you for
cleanin' my toes.

Oh, my toes are gettin' cold.

Better put this sock back on.

Might be legal, but it's weird.

Animal cruelty.

Can you help me with
this sock, please?

Chelsea, help. [grunts]

[dog growling]

Well, I'd say that's
about the closest

I've ever come to dying.

Bullshit.

Remember when we
volunteered for fire school?

[Backwoods chuckling]

Tried to drink from the hose

and blew out his
f*ck' vocal cords.

You got any sense or what?

I thought it would make
me sound more manly,

more baritone and raspy.

Not you again.

Oh, my dear.

Lookin' lovely.

Lemme know if you need
any help changing the kegs

or anything like that.

I'm here for you.

You gonna seal the deal tonight?

Backwoods, seal the deal.

Come on, we've been
here a dozen times.

Get on with it.

Gentlemen, love
is patient, okay?

It's kind. Requires
some finesse.

Likes of which you troglodytes
have no f*cking idea.

Boys, look what just walked in.

It's that f*ck'
hillbilly driver

and his inbred friends.

sh*t, that is him.

Guy on the left, he's
got a knife in his boot.

Two guys who look like sisters,

we can f*ck' take 'em.

Big f*ck in the corner,

got a bum knee but he
wears brass knuckles.

Should we ram 'em, Ronnie?

Sometimes you don't
think, you just do.

Got it, boys?

Hey, if it isn't dirty
grandpa and the two f*ck.

You tit-squirtin' inbreds
almost wrecked my f*ck' truck.

My truck.

[Backwoods]. His truck.

It's my beer you're
drinking there, big guy.

You best be buying
me another round

before I put you in the ground.

Just like I put your
truck in the ditch.

Listen, you sap-suckin'
f*ck' sally.

You ran us off the road
like a c*ck, tiny,

little f*ck' squirrel
tryin' to f*ck a grizzly bear.

So trust me, bud,

you and your inbred friends
owe us a f*ck' drink.

Old man, you ran your cracked
a*s off the road yourself.

You know it.

Too busy thinking about
all those pipes, eh?

Oh, how am I gonna fit this
pipe up this m*therf*cker's a*s?

[in dumb voice] I don't know
'cause I'm a f*ck' idiot.

You wanna talk about
pipes fittin', bud.

I'll fit this f*ck'
pipe down your throat!

Yeah, how about my knuckles
and your teeth for dessert,

you gobbled neck f*ck-tucker?

You lookin' to get flambéed?

Who the f*ck talks like this?

I don't know, there's
a lot of talkin'.

Hey!

[Ronnie grunting]

Get a f*ck' chair!

Right this way, my darling.

[men grunting]
[rock music playing]

[chuckles] f*ck you!

♪ Raise a little hell,
raise a little hell ♪

[Ronnie]. By the
dozen. Let's go!

[Todd]. Watch my back!

[men grunting]

Get off of my brother
you little [grunts].

[men grunting]

f*ck you dog, and get!

Come on, brother.

Get up.

Are you sure you don't
want to go home yet?

And miss all this f*ck' fun?

Come on!

[Backwoods laughing]

Get him!

[men grunting]

Oh, you got a poker?

What's that, a sewing needle?

I wouldn't give that to my son!

[men grunting]

[Todd grunting]
[rock music playing]

[Todd]. [grunts] Ah! My
f*ck' welder's elbow!

This, and that, and that,

and here's some
f*ck' salad for ya!

[Todd grunting]

♪ Raise a little hell,
raise a little hell ♪

♪ raise a little hell ♪

[men grunting]

[fists pummelling]

♪ Raise a little hell,
raise a little hell ♪

[rock drum solo]

[glass shattering]

[Todd VO]. Clean passes,

solid beads,

penetration.

You are one with
the rod and pipe.

You are the golden glue.

There is only one.

You are the Golden Arm.

No one can handle
the rod like Todd.

I need a minute, I'm meditating.

That's not meditating.

I just heard your weird,
kinky-a*s self-recording.

[Rodd on phone]. Just wake
him up. Don't be a p*ssy.

Like I said. Come on, Rich.

He's not sleeping.

He's hot boxing his truck
with farts or something.

Here. It's your dad.
You gotta take it.

[Rodd on phone]. Todd? Todd?

Hey Dad, what's up?

[Rodd on phone]. Ah, finally.

It's Auds.

She seemed fine
last time we spoke.

[Rodd on phone]. Well, she's
not showing up for work now.

She's still looking after
my house though, right?

[Rodd on phone]. I'm not
sure I call it looking after.

You know what? Just
get your a*s home.

You got it, Dad.
- Good.

Look, dude, I go
where you go, right?

Appreciate it.

Now, Audrey's got a whole
brotherhood looking out for her,

but sometimes she just needs
to see her own bro, right?

Plus, I miss the smell
of H2S in the morning,

and the eggs benny
at the Leaky Pipe.

You do miss your
boy though, right?

Oh, yes, my son, Stryker.

You named your f*ck'
kid Stryker, man?

What the f*ck?

sh*t, you've been
there the whole time?

Time for a vacation.

I'd give my left nut

to see that Danny McRules
one more f*ck' time.

Hey man, no smokin' in my truck.

[Backwoods]. Whoops. Yoink.

Can't be any worse

than that cancer c*m he's
chewin' in his mouth.

[everyone laughing]

[Ronnie]. What the f*ck
are you looking at, Johnny?

Let's ride! [chuckles]

[Backwoods]. Next
stop, Imperial Valley.

Bye, Ronnie.

[Backwoods]. Yeah, boys!

[Ronnie]. Here we
go a-f*ck-gain.

[Todd]. Wonder how our little
buddy Chop Chop's doin'?

[Backwoods]. Do we need to give
this guy another a*s whoopin'?

That's what you get, you
little p*ssy. [laughs]

Share the road!

[Backwoods]. How was
your salad? [laughs]

Need any dressing?

[Todd]. Later, you
f*ck flambé.

[Backwoods]. Want some
croutons? [laughs]

[Ronnie]. Have a f*ck'
good day, Chop Chop.

[Backwoods]. Suck it!

See ya, moron!

♪ The ones that get the
joke [phone vibrating]

♪ Who understand what you're
saying before a word is spoke ♪

What the f*ck? Are you hiding?

Ah! [laughs]

My turn to wear the boot.

[Billy]. Okay,
you're the boss.

♪ When you're together,
you've got nothing to prove ♪

[both giggling]

♪ When you're together,
you've got nothing to lose

♪ In a world full of strangers,
you don't know who to trust

♪ All you see is danger,

♪ Trying to find
what you've lost

♪ You can't do it alone

♪ Everybody needs help

♪ You've got to
find your people,

♪ Then you'll find yourself ♪

[soft rhythmic music]

♪ You've got to find the people
that'll call your bluff ♪

♪ Who'll ride along
when the road is rough

♪ You've got to
find your people

♪ The ones that
make you feel equal

♪ They pick you up
and don't put you down

♪ Help you find your way
in the lost and found ♪

♪ All you see is danger

♪ You can't go it alone

♪ And everybody needs help

♪ You've got to
find your people,

♪ Then you'll find yourself ♪

[soft rhythmic music]

[loud screaming]