01x07 - You Will Have a Night to Remember

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪

DANIEL: Oh, your parents put
out a birthday balloon for you.

MAGGIE: I can't believe it took
us over an hour to get here.

DANIEL: I can't believe you kept
intentionally giving me the wrong address.

- Full disclosure,
I'm very excited

and also very terrified
for you to meet my parents.

- Oh, don't worry.

At this point, the worst
thing that can happen

is they like me
more than you do.

[chuckles]

- Well, that's when Maggie
had her headgear removed.

- Other kids would
see her and scream.

- What you got
going on downstairs?

- Wow. You threw that
right in my face.

[police siren chirps]

- Great, great, great party.

MARIA: Oh.
- It's over. Maria, forget it.

- You know what
else could be fun?

- Hmm?
- If we leave the party before it starts

and set the world record for
the most Irish Irish exit.

- I know this may be
hard for you to believe,

but I'm actually excited to
learn where you came from.

[alarm blaring]

- [loudly] See! We're
making memories already!

- Mom! Turn it off!

- I have no idea how
to turn that off.

LOUISE: Happy birthday!
MARIA: It's so loud.

MARIA: Why is the
alarm even set?

We're having people over.

- Well, yeah, I wanted
everyone to feel safe.

- Do you feel safe?
- I feel like I'm robbing a safe.

- Mm-hmm.
[alarm shuts off]

BOTH: Ah.

- Guys, hi,

this is Daniel... [phone rings]

- Jack, get the phone. It's
probably the alarm company.

You have to get
them the password.

Otherwise, they send
someone out to make sure

we're not being m*rder*d.

Or worse.

- What's worse than
being m*rder*d?

- Oh, thank you, Daniel.

I've heard almost
nothing about you,

but that says more about
my daughter than about you.

- That. That is worse.

- So this is my mom.

- Oh please. Mom was
my mother's name.

- Fine. Hold it one second.
Um, Maria, the password?

- It's a... Oh sh**t. Uh,
what did we tell the man?

- What man?

- The man. The security
man. He came to install it.

We were out back. We
told him the password.

Oh sh**t.

Uh, what was it?

- Okay. Okay, you know what?

I'm going to have
to call you back,

uh, but I promise you we're
not about to be m*rder*d.

Yeah, I know.

That does sound like something a
m*rder*r would say, doesn't it?

But would he say this? Toodles!

- Wow. Our landlords
have a very nice place.

I keep forgetting that Jack's a doctor.
- I know.

He strikes me as a guy who
just hangs out in the park.

- Hi, everybody. ALL: Hello.

- Sorry we're late.

- Oh, a bottle of wine for
the birthday girl, huh?

JESSIE: Ooh. [Amy chuckles]

- The birthday girl? It's,
it's Maggie's birthday?

Oh, I did not know that.

I thought this was just
like a dinner party,

and I thought it was
weird we were invited.

Good thing we bought a
bottle of wine. [cork pops]

- I just invested in
this vineyard up in Napa.

It's a micro micro vineyard.

This is one of
only three bottles.

- Babe, that was supposed
to be the gift for Maggie.

- It was? Oh. AMY: Yes.

- Just put our name on
whatever you brought.

- Sorry. You don't get to
just waltz in and take credit.

Our gift is super thoughtful.

- Oh. What did you get her?

- I don't know. Ben,
what do we get her?

- Hmm.

We got her a vintage
book on the occult

that we found on one of
my solo walks downtown.

- I just fell asleep. That was so boring.
[chuckles]

- Hey, guys. ALL: Hey.

- Hey, happy birthday.

- Thank you. Oh, Lou,
you got me a candle.

- It smells like the lip
smackers you used to eat.

- [Maggie gasps] Ooh. [sniffs]

Delicious.

Angel, thank you for
respecting our no gifts rule.

- To be clear, I am not
in favor of that rule.

And I like cash.

- Maggie, happy birthday.

- This is from only us.

- Oh my gosh. Thank you
so much for the book.

I'm flattered you think I read.

- Uh, you didn't
even open it yet.

- I do, in about a week.

- Well, ours isn't here
yet. It's coming soon.

- Yeah, in our defense, we
didn't know it was your birthday.

- Don't even worry about it. You
guys don't have to get me anything.

- Oh good.
- I do have to go rescue Daniel, though.

[whispers] I think
he's with my parents.

- I, I don't get it.

I mean, where's the fun
in getting Maggie a gift

if she already knows what it is.

- It's very hard to
surprise a psychic.

It's one of the many reasons
I've never been impressed

by Mr. Night Shyamalan.

- Hmm.

- I bet I could
surprise her. Mm-hmm.

I've been told that my energy
really throws people off.

- And that's why we
switched therapists.

- Ooh. Ooh. How about
we make a game of it?

Whoever surprises the
birthday girl first wins.

- Yes. I love games.
Maybe too much.

Which is why we can't keep
them at our place anymore.

- Well, she bit me the last
time we played Scrabble,

so I'm on her team.

- I pick Amy.
- Aww. Are you playing?

- No.

- Dammit. Okay, you're
my first choice, babe.

- Oh hey!
- I'm bringing my beer.

- What are you talking about?

You can totally
surprise a psychic.

Maggie's literally shocked every time
she sees how long my toenails are.

- Well, of course, you
can surprise a psychic.

I walked into a glass
door this morning.

I just wanted to see what
kind of birthday surprises

these crazy kids come up with.

- Oh, Angel, that's
really sweet.

- It sprouted out of boredom,
but it ripened into sweetness.

- You talk like a book.

- I talk like a play.

- Dad. You ran away earlier.

This is Daniel.

- Oh yeah. I'm sorry about
that. Hi, Daniel. Welcome.

Boy, you know, it's kind of odd.

The way Maggie described
you, you seemed taller.

- Maggie talked
about him to you?

- Oh yeah. We went out
for ice cream together,

and she was telling me all
about her new boyfriend

and how handsome
and charming he is.

And, I don't know,

I kind of equate qualities
like that with someone

six-two, six-three,
something like that.

- I love ice cream, Daniel.

Why wasn't I invited
to ice cream?

- Oh, uh, sorry, I don't know. I
wasn't part of the ice cream getting.

I think that was just
your husband and daughter.

- Wow. You threw that
right in my face.

- Okay, I think
that's enough for now.

- Okay.

Sure.

- Ooh. Well, you have
officially met my parents,

and we're still standing.

I do have to warn you, though,

um, I saw some embarrassing
things go wrong later.

Nothing big. But, you know,
just so that you're prepared...

- Hey, hey. Let's not worry
about the future right now.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Now let's focus on the present.

- Okay.

Oh my god, is this a cookie?

- Mm-hmm.

Well, I mean, you gave
me one when we met,

so I thought I'd
return the favor.

- I feel like the Cookie
Monster's girlfriend.

- [mimicking Cookie Monster] Well,
I mean, in a way, you kinda are.

[laughs]

So you really like it?

[police siren chirps]

- I got a call about a
security alarm going off.

Everything okay?
- Yeah, we're fine.

My husband forgot the
password to our new alarm.

- Yes, I know your husband.

- That's right. Officer Kantor
is the guy who came over

when I was trapped on
the roof in my underwear.

Before you roll your eyes back
there, I had a good reason.

Thought my pants were up there.

- I suggest you
find your password.

If I'm called out again,
you'll be charged a fine.

- Thank you, Officer.

Would you like to stay for
my daughter's birthday?

Full disclosure, I caught her
smoking marijuana in high school,

but she is clean now.

- Mom. Would you like to share
where I found that joint?

- She also does comedy.

[all laugh] JACK: Yeah.

- If I'm going to Vegas, the
only thing I'll bet is Midler.

- Hello?
- Oh hello, necklace.

- Oh my gosh. It's from
Daniel. It's a cookie.

- Oh, wow. Oh, we like him.

- I know. He's passing
every test imaginable.

Lou, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but... I think I might
actually be in love.

- Mags, this is great news!

Are you going to tell him?

- I don't know. It'd have to
be the right moment, you know.

I'm freaking out, Lou.
I've never said it.

Girl, what you're
feeling right now,

that's the stuff that
makes life so good.

You should tell him.
This is a safe space.

- Gah!
[Maggie gasps]

Ha, ha!

Oh, guys, I won.

- What was that?
- Uh, don't ask.

- Ohh.

- Okay. I did it. I scared
the crap out of Maggie.

So what do I win?

- Nothing.
- What? Why?

- Yeah, we agreed the first
person who surprises Maggie wins.

- She was pretty
surprised by that cop.

Did that make him the winner?

- Hey, Dave, did I miss
the cop joining our team?

No? Then shut it down.
- Oh.

- Y'all, the game is not
about scaring Maggie.

It's about making her birthday better
with a delightfully unexpected gift.

Have you no whimsy?

- Oh, I have whimsy.

I have more whimsy
than anyone else here.

My car's headlights
have eyelashes on them.

- Oh.

You're driving me home.

- I would be honored.
- Yeah.

- I don't understand.

If the alarm goes off,

why can't we give them
the code we punch in.

- Could you please explain
to her that the code, honey,

it's not our password.

The password is a word.

The code is numbers.
It's really quite simple.

- Then what is our code?

- Ah, well, I'm glad you asked.
I wrote it down somewhere.

- Guys, can we talk about
literally anything else?

- I got this.

Hey, do you guys have baby
pictures of Maggie I can see?

- That is the nicest thing
anyone has ever asked me.

I think I love him.
- I know the feeling.

- Careful what you wish for.

- Pink album. That's
a real classic.

- Is it? Okay.
- Oh yeah.

JACK AND MARIA: Ohh!

DANIEL: What is going on here?

- Well, that's when Maggie
had her headgear removed.

Remember that, honey?

You had to wear
all that headgear

because of your
weird, crumbly tooth.

- I do.

- Her teeth came in sideways.

Other kids would
see her and scream.

It was traumatizing.
Probably for her, too.

- Well, I'm glad it
got straightened out.

- That's a fun turn of phrase.

[all laugh]

- So funny.

My parents are
obsessed with you.

I keep seeing my mom
taking photos of you

when you're not looking.

- Okay, but I'm going to need
final approval on anything

that she wants to post.

- Oh, you are funny.

- Alright, guys. Any ideas
on how to surprise her?

- Actually, no ideas
is my strategy.

- Oh, that sounds
convoluted, babe. Do tell.

- Well, I figure we're
going to get her a gift,

but the sooner I
think of that gift,

the more time Maggie has

to go out and have a
vision of that gift.

If I don't have an idea,
she can't see it coming

until I do have an idea
and I immediately buy it

before she can even
have a vision of it.

- Ugh. Not thinking.

- That is so smart.
AMY: Thank you.

- Do they really think
psychics can read minds?

I mean, honestly.

- Yeah. So dumb.

Like, I'm thinking of
a number right now.

You probably don't
know what it is, right?

- Pardon me. I'm going in
for a second helping of fun.

- Twelve.

- Oh, I have an idea for a gift.
- She already has one of those.

- She has an ashtray I
made her at Color Me Mine?

- What doesn't she have?
- We're going to lose.

- What happened?

Did you eat the cookie
off your necklace?

- Oh no. It must
have just turned.

- Oh no. Yeah.
- Can you get it?

- You know, I heard that when
this sort of thing happens,

you are supposed to make a wish.

- Oh.

Well, I'm not sure
what I would wish for.

I'm pretty happy with
what's right in front of me.

- Yeah?

Me, too.

- I...
- Danno!

Hey, hey, hey.

What you got going
on downstairs?

- Your feet. He means your
feet. He's a podiatrist.

- Not just a podiatrist.
A foot enthusiast.

But not in a pervy way.

Those guys are
friggin' weird, right?

- Yeah.
[both laugh]

- Okay, let's pop off
the old Hush Puppies.

- Dad.

I think I heard Mom calling
you. She sounds mad.

- No. Really?
- Yeah.

- Okay. Well, I
better get going then.

I don't need to tell you who wears
the shoes in this household, right?

[awkward laughter]

- Oh.

Well, where were we?

- I think we were having a
private, romantic moment.

- Yeah.

[camera shutter clicks]

- Don't mind me.

- You know what? At this point, I'm
gonna go show my feet to your dad.

- Okay.

[indiscernible chatter]

- [whispers] Okay.
People. Shh, shh, shh!

[snaps fingers] People.
Maggie is coming.

Now, if you really want to
surprise her, clear your mind.

Otherwise, she's gonna read
whatever thoughts you're having.

- Hey, guys.

- How's it going?
- Hey.

- Sorry about scaring you earlier.
I didn't understand the rules.

- Rules for what?

- I've said too much.

- Right.

Can I get anyone anything?

- [whispers] Go away.

- Okay.
- Great, great, great party.

- I actually think that worked.

- How's the game going?
- Not as sophisticated as I'd hoped.

Ew, this is not my Fanta.

- Oh hey.

- Hey, man. It's great party, huh?
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I always thought
Maggie hated parties,

but she seems to be
having a great time.

- Yeah, she's the best.
- Yeah.

And good news.

She must see you in her future
if she's keeping you around, huh?

- Yeah, maybe. I hope
so. I mean, I don't know.

- What do you mean?
- Oh, nothing.

Well, it's just like sometimes I
think that she puts too much weight

on what she thinks
is going to happen.

- Well, to be fair, she
knows what's going to happen.

- Right.

- You do believe that
Maggie's a psychic, right?

- I mean, come on. Come on,
man. What do you want me to say?

[beeping]

- Oh!

My chicken.

- Chicken. Thank god.
I thought it was a ham.

- Oh.

Jack, is our smoke alarm
connected to our security alarm?

- Yeah, of course it...

Without the password,
they're going to charge us.

Oh, it's over, Maria. Forget it.

Oh, I hate the security system.

I hate the automatic locks.

I hate the cameras. I
hate the peace of mind.

- Oh my god, Jack, shut up.

The cameras, they're everywhere,

even on the back patio.

- Uh-huh.

- Where we were with the guy...

- Yeah?

- Which is when we told him...

- I'm clearly not getting this. What are...
- Our password!

If we can find the footage,
we'd know our password,

and we can call the
security company.

We need to find that
footage right now.

- Oh no.

- Oh.

- I feel like this is my fault
because I asked my mom to cook.

- Well, let's skip to cake.

Why don't you go
into the other room

and get ready to act surprised?

[gasps]

That was good.
- Yeah.

- That was really good.
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay. The TV is supposed
to be on input three.

- Okay.

I have no idea what that means.

- Oh, I got it. I got
it. I just thought of it.

I got a surprise for Maggie. It
just fell right into my head.

- Okay, shh. Don't
think. Just move.

- Wait, where are they
going? What are they doing?

- Well, how should I
know? I'm talking to you.

- Where the hell
is the damn input?

- Is it next to output?
- Next to the output? I...

Why... Oh yeah, it
is, right here. Okay.

- Hey, how's it going? You
drop the L-b*mb on Daniel yet?

- We keep getting interrupted,

but the b*mb is in my holster,

and I clearly do not
know how weapons work.

- No, you don't.
- Hey.

You good? You okay?

- Yeah. Yeah, I was just,
uh, talking to Daniel.

- Oh, oh, a little bit
of boy gossip, huh?

About this little
lady right here.

- What did he say?

- Uh...
- Okay. Come to Papa.

MARIA: That's not
the security guy.

JACK: Are you sure?
- Would you excuse me for a second?

Hey, can I see that for a second?
- What?

- No, no, no, no, we
just got it working.

- Yeah. Come on. We know
what we're doing here.

- How do you get
the picture to move?

- In all fairness, she knows
what is going to happen.

- Right. BEN: Right.

I mean, you do believe
Maggie's a psychic, right?

[chuckles]

- I mean, come on. Come on,
man. What do you want me to say?

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

Everybody now!

- We got you a
whale-watching trip.

- She has already
been surprised.

- Dammit - Was it an ashtray?

- Maggie. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- If you don't believe I'm a
psychic, then what do you believe?

You, you, you think I'm crazy?

- Of course, I don't.

Look...

Whether you can actually see
the future or not is irrelevant.

What I see

is that it's making your
life really, really hard.

- I can see the future, Daniel.

And I always will.

- Okay. Well, I don't
care about that.

I care about tonight, right now,

because we are
having a great time.

Maggie, please. Please.

Let's not ruin this.

- This is the vision that
I had of us fighting.

Oh my god. It wasn't Amy's
dress, it was this dress.

- You're kidding, right?

You're doing this now. I mean...

I don't know, I just don't think
our whole lives need to revolve

around your
visions. That's all.

- That's not an option for me.

And what about you?

When, when, when were you going
to tell me that you felt this way?

- I didn't think it mattered.
- Why not?

- Because I love you.

- You don't even know me.

- Maggie.

- You should go home.

This is over.

♪

- I'm so sorry about
tonight, sweetheart.

You want to talk about it?

- That's okay. Thanks.

- You know something, honey?
I could... I could tell, uh,

feet-wise, bad, really bad.

- Hmm.

- You know we're here.

[exhales]

- This sucks.

- Maybe this will help.

Surprise.

- That's not really
how surprises work.

I already know it's a candle.

- It's a cake.

Happy birthday.

Oh my god. That's...

I had no idea.
That's really cool.

[door opens]

- [clears throat] Hey, Angel.

So we've been talking, and...

- And not to be that guy.
- Totally. Not to be that guy.

But we are not really sure that
Daniel betraying Maggie counts

as a good surprise.

- Which, just to remind
you, was your rule.

- Uh-huh. And you were very
condescending about it.

- Louise's candle was a cake.

She wins.

- Dammit!
- That's whimsical as hell.

- Ugh!
- No contest.

- Ohh!

- Sorry.

[door closes]

- I love it.
- It looks pretty.

BOTH: Yeah.

- [sighs] I really thought
he might be the one.

Honestly. If not him, then who?

- Hi, Maggie.

Uh, just wondering
if cake might help.

Cut you a corner piece.

- Wow. My girl is out
here dealing with this,

and you're in
there cutting cake?

BEN: I...
- You can go.

- Okay. Thank you.

[Maggie chuckles]

[door opens, closes]

- You know, I always
thought he was a jerk.

- Really?
- No. I was completely blindsided.

Here.

Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

[blows]

- You missed it.

- Oh!
- Oh.

- Oh, you missed it.

You sure you're okay?

- I mean...

- I just ask because I thought
I saw you eat a candle.

- I did.
- You did?

- It wasn't all it's
cracked up to be.

- I imagine.

♪ Frustrated ♪

♪ Still craving your love ♪

- Okay. So what do you
want your password to be?

- Uh, password.

- I would suggest
something stronger.

- Ooh, like whiskey.

- Whoa. Maria, are
we drinking already?

- We just need to
pick a password.

- How about my
meemaw's birthday?

That was January 23rd, 1945.

- Yeah.

- So one, two,
three, four, five.

- Oh, that's easy to remember.

- I wasn't even listening. All
I'm thinking about is that drink.

- Ah, I'll make three.
You're not going anywhere.

- Okay. I'll put on some music.

[door opens]

- Password's good.

♪ Theme music playing ♪

♪

[clucking]