01x01 - Expired Melatonin

[bunniefuu]

["Bad Girls"

by Donna Summer playing]

♪

Toot, toot, hey, beep, beep ♪

Toot, toot, hey, beep, beep ♪

Toot, toot,

hey, beep, beep ♪

Hey, babe, are these expired?

Beep, beep ♪

Bad girls ♪

Talkin' 'bout ♪

Still got it, you f*cking sl*t.

Sad girls ♪

Okay, so, what if I'm, like,

a flight attendant,

and we're on this long-haul

international flight,

and you're, like

you're, like, this, like,

handsy, entitled first-class passenger?

- Oh, yeah. So, wait.

So, I'm grabbing you, like,

in front of everyone, or?

- Um No. Okay, good point.

Maybe it's like, you know, uh

Like, "Sir, you can't be

back here in the c*ck.

"Or the vestibule thing

"where the flight attendants hang out.

Whatever that's called."

- So it's kind of like,

"Uh, excuse me, miss.

I'm gonna need you to warm up these nuts."

- [exhales] Oh, I hated that.

- Ooh.

- I'm never gonna f*ck you again.

How do you have two Emmys for writing?

- What are you talking about?

We both know

you wouldn't date me

if I didn't have those Emmys.

- That is not true.

That's so mean.

I am not dating you for Emmys.

I am dating you because

you have a really nice house

and I really hate my apartment.

["Next to You"

by Sam Evian playing]

I can feel your shadow ♪

I just wanna be next to you ♪

What is this, like

sequin glitter thing?

- Uh it's probably

from one of your, uh

- Where'd this even come from?

I don't f*ck with glitter, man.

What? Like

Oh, did you go to a strip club

or something?

- What? No!

- No, I-I

We've been to strip clubs.

I have no problem

with strip clubs.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

No, I haven't been to a strip club.

I haven't been to any

- Okay.

Then are you cheating on me?

- No. Oh, my God. I'm not cheating on you.

- [laughs]

Okay, well, this is weird.

Where did this?

- I have a sex doll.

- You what?

- I have a sex doll.

That I barely ever even

use, and, uh

- Oh.

- There's this one dress with sparkles.

- Yeah, okay.

- That probably one fell off, maybe.

- Yeah.

- And, um

- No, that's totally fine. Um

- Well, it-it

it doesn't seem like it's fine with you.

- No. No. I'm just, uh

I'm-I'm just processing.

- I didn't tell you about it,

I didn't think

to tell you about it

'cause it's it's no big deal.

I mean, it's like porn or something.

- Yeah.

No. [chuckles]

- It's a Fleshlight with boobs

that I got off of a Japanese website.

- Ooh. She's from Japan.

Very international woman.

- [exhales]

- Is her name Kimiko?

- Oh, my God.

- Is she hotter than me?

Like, be honest. Like, if she's hot

- Cody. Cody.

- If Kimiko's hotter than me

- Now you're mocking me.

- [chuckles]

Sorry. I'm not trying to kink-shame you.

I'm sorry

if that's what it felt like.

- No, no, no.

- I have a million fetishes.

I love this part of our relationship.

I love that we do

all this weird sh*t together.

[laughs]

Really.

I love that.

Can I just see her?

- No.

- Why not?

- It's my private gross thing.

Like the sh*t you took this morning.

And I know you took a sh*t this

morning because we have honesty.

I don't know what color it was

because of privacy.

- Okay.

I mean, obviously, brown.

- You

- I hear you.

This is a boundary.

It's all good. We're all good.

[exhales]

We're good.

g*ns are pointed at everyone ♪

But together we're better off ♪

- You still want to, uh?

- Um

I don't know, I'm kind of tired.

- Tired enough for

sexy autopsy?

- Yeah, okay.

So, am I, like, a pretty corpse,

or am I, like, all f*cked-up?

- You're f*cked-up.

- Okay.

- [snoring]

- Baby.

Dan.

Dan? You're snoring.

Can you roll on your side, please?

- [snoring continues]

- [exhales]

[groans]

[urinating]

[farts]

[toilet flushes]

[intriguing music playing]

[music stops]

WOMAN [whispers]:

Hey!

- Hello?

WOMAN:

Psst!

I'm in here.

I can hear you.

I know you're out there.

You breathe, like, really heavy.

Hey!

Sup?

[intriguing music playing]

- Um

Kimiko?

- Who's Kimiko?

- Holy sh*t. Oh, um

Well, I mean, I

I, like, jokingly named you Kimi Kimiko

'cause you were made in Japan.

- Oh, my God.

That's, like, really f*cking r*cist.

- Oh, n I mean

Like, I only said it

in front of Dan, so

- Okay. Well,

that doesn't make it any better.

Uh, anyway, hi.

[laughs]

Hello. I'm Barbara.

Barbara Himmelbaum-Harmon.

- Barbara. Okay.

Barbara, sorry. I'm so sorry.

- It's okay. It's fine.

It's fine, girl.

Actually, you know what?

There is something you could do

that would really help me out.

Just so that you can make it up

to me because you're r*cist

and that was really offensive.

So, I have, like, a ton of Dan's splooge

dried up inside of me.

- What?

- Yeah.

[laughs]

It's so cute.

Dan comes inside of me

a lot, and then, like, I think

he gets so caught up in the passion

that he actually forgets to wash me.

Like, he'll wipe the outside

of me with a T-shirt sometimes,

- but he doesn't even always do that.

- What? Oh, my God.

- Look. Girl, look how crusty it is.

- f*ck, gross!

- I know, right?

You would do me, like,

a huge favor if you'd wash me.

- No! No. Dude, absolutely not.

I I can't move you.

He can't even know that I saw you.

Like, f*ck.

Our whole, like,

mission statement as a couple

is, like, honesty and no lies,

and I've totally invaded

his privacy already. f*ck!

- Right. Like, I hear you,

but do you really want him

to f*ck you with his d*ck

after it's been inside

this crusty p*ssy?

- Oh, Jesus Christ, Barbara!

I don't know.

Like, he takes showers or whatever.

- Yeah, but you can't shower an infection

out of the dickhole, dumbass.

This has happened to friends of mine.

He's gonna get a disease from f*cking

his own dried-up jizz flakes.

- Oh, my God.

- And then he's gonna pass that disease on

to your vibrant, living p*ssy.

You're gonna have to go to your doctor.

You're gonna have to explain

what happened.

- Okay. Barbara?

- Yeah.

- Barbara?

Here's what's happening.

I'm a little f*cked-up right now

'cause I took, like, expired

um, these homeopathic,

like, melatonin gummies,

and I've h I've smoked a lot of weed.

But clearly I'm having, like,

a hallucinatory episode

where you came to life

and, like, beckoned me in here

'cause I just needed to see you,

and I didn't want to take responsibility

for snooping, you know?

So here we are, and, like,

you're super f*cking hot.

- Thank you. I know.

- I feel

really insecure about it,

and there's nothing we can do

about that now.

- No, no, no, no, no, there are things!

There is! Babe.

Babe, there's Botox.

There's Juvéderm.

You would benefit so much

from a forehead enlargement.

I don't know if it's a thing.

- Okay, Barbara?

- I'm gonna go ahead

and say your forehead's stocky.

- I'm gonna go back to bed right now,

and when I wake up,

you're gonna be inanimate again,

and I'm gonna buy a new bottle

of melatonin,

and we never have to do this again.

It was so nice meeting you.

- No, no, no, no.

Cody, please, please, please.

Cody, let's just talk about this, girl.

I like you so much.

Cody, you're being

such a dumb c**t right now!