01x09 - Paraben-Free Lube

[bunniefuu]

CODY: Okay, so we hard cut

inside the convenience store.

Cody and Barbara enter;

they're high as f*ck.

And they head to the snack aisle.

BARBARA:

Yeah, and then that's probably

where we should introduce Sheila, right?

- Who's Sheila?

- You know, the crack wh*re.

- Oh, the crack sex worker. Yeah.

- I mean, the crack sex worker.

- Are we calling her Sheila?

- Yeah, why? Do you not like it?

- I don't know.

She just doesn't, like,

feel like a Sheila. Maybe Shayna?

- [inhales sharply]

Um, I actually do have

a cousin named Shayna,

and I kind of worry that

she might be, like, offended.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I don't want her to think

I'm making fun of her.

And, see, the thing that

you have to know about Shayna--

actually really nice to talk

- Okay, but it's not like

she's gonna see it.

I mean, it's just a spec script.

It's not like it's getting made.

- Okay, well, it won't with that attitude,

that's for sure.

[ringtone playing]

Oh, my God, Cody, if it's Dan,

do not pick up.

Do not pick up!

We're working! Ugh!

You fat b*tch.

You always do this.

Ugh, you're gonna come back,

and you're gonna be

in a bad mood, and then we're gonna

have to talk about your relationship,

and I'm gonna have to pretend that I care.

[microwave beeping]

CODY:

Well, that's it.

Dan's totally cheating on me. So

- I know, right?

- Yeah. He's going on

that girl Simone's podcast.

And she is so beautiful.

- She's honestly stunning.

- They probably haven't gotten

physical yet, just because,

like, she seems like

this really sweet person.

[water splashes]

And she's probably, like

- Super sweet.

- considering my feelings,

but it's only a matter of time,

realistically, before, like,

they move in together

and, you know, like,

start making a family.

- Yeah, time.

Realistic. Time.

CODY:

I mean, you know, he's a successful guy.

Like, a lot of girls would

- Uh-huh.

[romantic music playing]

Who is

that?

- Um, I don't know,

my downstairs neighbor?

BARBARA:

Holy sh*t!

I mean, you saw it, right?

- See what?

- His d*ck.

It was, like, bulging in his pants.

- Oh, my God.

- It was, like, pulsating.

And honestly, now that

I'm thinking about it,

I think I could see the outline

of his ba*ls, too.

- Oh, my God. Dude. Dude. Gross!

- What?

- He's, like, 14.

- Okay, so?

I'm seven.

He's, like, twice my age.

- I mean, I guess, but still

- Okay, Cody, shut up.

You like older guys, too.

Who do you think that was with him?

Do you think that was his girlfriend?

She's busted, right?

I mean, could you believe what

she was wearing? It was like

- Dude, what? No.

That's his mom,

who he lives with, 'cause he's 14.

- Do you think it'd be, like, really weird

if you set us up or whatever?

- Yes. It would be insanely weird.

Like, what's wrong with you?

- I'm a sex doll, okay?

I'm sorry that, like, my very nature

is just completely offensive to you.

- Okay, that's obviously not what I meant.

- Forget I even ever brought it up.

It's like, I'm always there for you.

You're literally never there for me.

- Wow. A hard right.

When have I not been there for you?

- Um, how about, like, ten minutes ago?

The whole thing with my cousin Shayna.

The second I start opening up

to you about something,

you just shut me down.

And things are really strained

with me and Shayna right now.

No, and, like

- Okay, Barbara, you can't just like

- Oh, my God, you're doing it again!

- Barbara, this is insane.

And I know that you have,

like, some weird hold over me,

where I do all this

inappropriate sh*t for you,

but I am not asking

my 14-year-old neighbor

to f*ck my boyfriend's used sex doll.

So, um, just in here.

Thanks a lot for helping me out

with this, Jaxon.

- Sure, it's no problem.

So, um, what do you need moved?

- Um this couch.

Yeah. It's, uh

it's in the wrong place,

according to feng shui,

so that's

you know, maybe that's why

my life is so messed up, right?

- Yeah, um, where do you want it to go?

- Um, here.

Just, like, this-this side

here, kind of.

So, you're in, um, what,

you're in, like, ninth grade?

- Eighth.

- Eighth grade.

Great. Cool.

So, that's, like, the grade

where you get a

girlfriend or?

- No, not really.

- No?

- Hey, is this gonna be weird?

Um, 'cause the couch is

in front of the fireplace now.

- Oh, huh, I'll just, um

I just won't use the fireplace anymore.

BARBARA:

Yo, where are those nuts at?!

- Um

Actually, I have a

another thing that needs

to be moved, and, uh,

that thing is in in my bedroom, so

This way.

[pop music playing quietly]

Oh, my gosh.

I forgot I left out my friend.

[chuckles]

Have you seen one of these before?

BARBARA: Hey.

CODY:

They're very cool.

They're basically, like,

a doll you have sex with,

which is cool.

BARBARA: Okay, he gets it, Cody.

- Oh, okay.

- Show him the lube.

- [whispering]: I'm not gonna

show him the lube.

This is crazy.

- So, um, what do you need moved in here?

- Um, so this is um,

this is my bottle of lubricant.

BARBARA:

Tell him that it's lavender hibiscus.

- This smells really good.

BARBARA: Cody!

Get out of here. You're weirding him out.

JAXON: Uh, you know what?

I actually have piano,

so I-I got, I got to go.

- No!

No, Cody, don't let him go!

Don't let him go!

Tell him about my new vag*na!

- Jaxon, can't you just-- Jaxon.

Will you will you please

just f*ck my sex doll?!

What did you think

was gonna happen?

He's a kid. He probably

doesn't even have pubes.

- You're saying he's out of my league?

- No! What are you [shudders]

I-- Barbara, I'm sorry.

I tried.

You saw. I tried, okay?

- It's fine.

It's not your fault.

I'm old.

I'm outdated.

- Barb

Barbara, stop. [scoffs]

You want to talk about old and outdated?

Like, past her prime?

Like, look at me.

- Cody, you realize

I say all that mean sh*t to you because

[sighs] I'm jealous.

- What are you talking about?

- You're so hot.

- Shut up. No, I'm not.

- You are.

You are. You're, like, effortlessly hot.

- Shut up.

- And, like, your t*ts are amazing.

- Are you serious?

- Yes!

- My t*ts are like, eh-- like, who cares?

Like, they're nothing to write home about.

- They are so gorgeous.

- I'm serious.

- No, they're amazing.

- They're not. Feel.

- Yes.

- No, I'm being serious. Feel.

Feel.

- Ah.

Dude, they're literally perfect.

- Um, yours are perfect.

- Mine?

I hate my boobs.

They're, like, cold and hard

and, like, fake.

- No. Uh, shut up.

- They are. Feel.

[soft pop song playing]

- [quietly]: Whatever.

They're so nice.

- Thanks. I mean,

yours are amazing. [chuckles]

- I am ready, I am fine. ♪