01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

Oh, that is so good.

Oh my God.

- Oh, sorry.

- It's fine, honestly.

God, you have such strong fingers for

a burnt-out little twink. Who knew?

Thank you for calling me a twink

for the first time in five years.

- You got much on for today?

- Nope. Just this haircut.

This is my last haircut for ages,

so my mental wellbeing relies on it.

- No pressure.

- Oh my God, please.

Sporty lesbians are like

my lowest maintenance clients.

Actually, I was thinking about

doing something different.

Mm, OK. Just so that we're clear, if

you ask me to give you an undercut,

I will have to escort you

off the premises.

Set an alarm for 4.13pm.

No, pm. Pm, pm, pm.

Set an alarm - 4.13pm.

- Whoa.

- Sorry.

I just got an auto-bid in for a change

table, and I am not gonna lose this one.

I thought you already

had a change table.

No, this is an over-the-cot

change table.

God, these babies - they don't

know how lucky they've got it.

Just birthed into the world,

showered in gifts.

I've already spent

thousands of dollars

and I still need to get

front packs, nappy bags

a snot sucker, which I think means you

suck snot out of their nose into your own mouth.

Oh, right, well, that's the

grossest thing I've ever heard.

- What's a front pack for?

- It's so you can carry the baby in front of you.

So you literally just push them out and then

just chuck them straight back where they were?

Yeah, apparently they really

like sleeping in there.

- I thought they slept in a cot.

- No, that's a bassinet.

- So what's a cot for?

- Well, it's for sleeping, but it's later.

So it goes bassinet, cot, single,

double, queen, king, Cali king.

- How do you know all that?

- Kardashians.

Stephanie.

What? Why is she here? I specifically

said for her not to get here till 11 o'clock.

- Hey, look, this is a surprise for Nat.

- We could still cancel it. She'd never know.

Yeah, and what do we do about my

mother who has arrived at the door very early?

- We'll just tell her you're stressed.

- I'm not stressed.

I'm just a little bit not relaxed.

But we are gonna do this,

because it's for Nat,

and she is gonna love it and we are

all gonna have a very good time.

But I do apologise in advance

for my mum being a total b*tch.

- Sweet as.

- I'm coming!

A bit not stressed

She's gonna blow her top.

- Happy baby shower!

- We're here.

- Yeah. You're both here

- very early.

Yes. Rosie wanted to get

here early to help decorate.

- Oh no. It's just gonna be really casual.

- We're not gonna do decorations or anything.

You can't have a baby shower

without a few decorations.

Don't worry. The balloons

are biodegradable.

Well, we'll all be able to sleep

tonight with a clear conscience.

Hello there, future grandchild.

OK, here you go.

Your ankles haven't swollen up

too much, which is good.

I was terrified to get my mother's

ankles when I was pregnant.

Used to rotate them up

in the air every morning.

OK, Mum, you shouldn't comment

on women's bodies, like, ever,

but including when they're pregnant.

- I said you were looking good.

- Your face hasn't even got too puffy.

Now, look, I told Ned I was

having minor heart surgery today

so she wouldn't call

and ruin her surprise.

And look! I had them screen-printed

by that angry man in the mall.

Do you like it? Don't worry.

I've got us all one.

I've also got

some games planned.

Nothing too intense.

Just a bit of silly fun.

Come on, Johnny.

Let's find a large bucket,

and then we'll get the

rest of the balloons up.

- That's it. I think it's time.

- I think it's time for curtain bangs.

No. I make all my customers do a

psych test before committing to bangs.

Oh, OK. I just don't want anything

that makes me look like a mum, you know?

- No, no, no. We can do, like, MILF.

- Yeah, exactly.

Curtain bangs, don't you reckon?

Bangs are so fussy, you will not cope

with them. You barely brush your hair.

- OK, well, what about just, like-

- Like a straight-across bang?

- What did Steph say?

- It doesn't matter what Steph says. It's my hair.

- Right. She said no.

- I decide what I do with my hair.

OK? And I've decided

that I want bangs.

- Bang me.

- I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna give you one minute to decide

if you're gonna betray your girlfriend or not,

and I'll get you a drink.

What do you want?

I can do coffee, tea, milk, juice

- Coff- did you say coffee?

- Mm-hm.

I haven't had coffee for,

like, six months.

Steph not here You know what?

This is the last day I'm gonna have

to myself for, like, the next 18 years,

and by golly

I am gonna sip on a coffee.

Look at you. You, the rails -

You're off them. I love it.

- Oat flat white?

- Single shot, please.

- Ooh, do you have cows milk?

- I'm gonna call Steph on you.

Whoa.

- Oh, is she nearly here?

- Um, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure she'll be on her way soon.

She was just getting a trim.

Hey, Rosie, how many games are

you planning on organising?

It's just that Nat, like, she actually didn't

really want a baby shower in the first place,

so this might kind

of freak her out a bit.

- Don't worry about it.

- All my games are really low key.

- Right. Is this enough poo for 'Who Shat the Nap?'

- Christ.

- Perfect.

- Great. I'll warm them up.

Johnny, have you got

water in that tub?

So have you invited any of your friends

besides your landlord and your sperm donor?

Yes, I have invited other people.

- Meredith is coming and I have invited a couple of Nat's friends.

- Meredith.

I thought you didn't like hanging out with

her because she made you feel insecure.

Oh, yeah, she does, but she's

been really generous, actually.

She's lent us her very expensive baby

capsule, so, yeah, she's my best friend now.

I'll get that. You get ready.

- Wha- I am ready.

- Oh, but

Fine. Fine.

OK, can you, like,

give them a mimosa and just

Just try not to comment on anyone's

appearance. Can you do that?

- Fix your face.

- I'm fixing it, I'm fixing it. No comments. No comments.

- Ready?

- Yup.

That's it. Brilliant! Fabulous!

- OK, yup.

- Have you got anything?

OK, Nat. Are you sure you want

to go through with this?

Because there's no

turning back after this.

Are you awake?

OK, well, that is what

we're committing to then.

It's what she wanted.

So do you- do you work out?

Me? Oh, yeah, sometimes.

Hi, guys.

Good to see you.

Welcome to my humble abode.

I was just- I just did

a bit of- a bit of makeup.

Just went with sort of a soft glam.

Wonderful to see you. Welcome.

Oh, Meredith! How are you?

Good to see you.

- You too, yeah.

- And little

- Otis.

- Matey-potatey. Otis!

Hi, Otis. How are you?

- Oh!

- Oh! That's a lovely kiss for Mummy.

Sorry we're late. Otis was getting

carried away with his messy play,

and then we just could not decide which

learning resource for him to play with here, so

Oh, I think Johnny might have

some little toy cars in his room.

- Do you like cars?

- They're resources, not toys.

- I like cars.

- He does like cars, but they're not

Yeah, we're just kind of- we're on a

big Montessori buzz at the moment.

Just expanding this little brain

every day, aren't we, darling?

- Yeah.

- Oh, lucky you.

- You look fantastic, by the way.

- Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Hey, are you leaking yet?

- Cos if you are, syringe-

- From my vag*na?

- No, no, no. No - from your breasts.

- Oh- oh.

Syringe and freeze the colostrum,

OK? Cos it is liquid gold.

Oh, yeah, I was actually

reading about that, but I

Oh, sh**t. That reminds me - I

just left your other present in the car.

- No- oh, no.

- You've gotten so much already.

- It's nothing big, nothing big.

- Please don't worry.

It's just a few weeks worth of

freezer meals that I whipped up.

- All organic.

- Of course you did.

Why did you invite Meredith?

She has really

expensive stuff and I need it.

- Honestly, a human that together?

- Honestly, she's hiding something.

You know? It's like, you can't get to a level like

that unless you've done some serious voodoo.

I agree.

When bub's about three weeks old,

you will think you've hit rock bottom.

Like, questioning everything.

And then boom, six weeks later, a whole new rock

bottom, one you didn't even know you could reach.

And there you are, crying over the

kitchen sink, eating a dry Cruskit.

Just don't divorce too early on,

OK? I mean, you'll want to.

You'll really want to, but just

not those first few years, OK?

You just have to work

through the anger and

disappointment and

loneliness and fear.

- Does anyone want a sausage roll?

- Yes, please!

- So how old are the twins now?

- Four.

I mean, I really think that

we turned a corner this year.

- This year?

- Mm.

Mm. The days are long, aren't

they? They are long days.

But the years go flying past fast,

and before you know it, they're

going on road trips with the girlfriend.

b*tch.

- Don't overthink it.

- Yeah.

- I guess I just don't want them turning into, like, incels, you know?

- Who does?

Just make sure you talk

to them very early about porn.

- How early?

- Six.

- Is Nat not here yet?

- Um, no, she's not- not quite.

Oh, bugger it. OK, why don't we

just play one game while we wait?

- Yes!

- How about 'Baby Bottle Chug'?

Ah, Rosie, I'm not really sure if

it's quite the right vibe for that.

- Chug, chug, chug!

- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Be a man! Come on!

Yes! Queen of the game! Queen!

Yes! Queen.

I'm a queen of this game.

Well, that k*lled a few minutes.

I don't even know what it is,

you know, but it's like

one tiny baby bottle of beer and I

just want to go hard now, you know?

I want to- I want to get munted.

Hey, you do know you're supposed

to cut those before you cook them, eh?

Yeah, I know, but I just got excited

about the idea of a big, giant sausage roll,

and now I keep burning my fingertips.

It does actually look

pretty cool, but here, I'll do it.

I didn't realise you were

trusted with sharp objects.

Oh, well, I am, actually, but only

when there's another grown-up around.

- Hey, hummus

- Yeah.

Good for babies

or terrible for babies?

I think bad, along with

soft cheeses and cold meats

and basically everything

on this platter.

- Oh, well, that's really cool, isn't it?

- It's like the babies aren't even here yet

- and I've already tried to k*ll them.

- Nah, it'll be fine.

- We'll just fill it out with some decorative flowers.

- Oh, that's perfect.

- Thanks.

- All good.

Righty-oh.

I should probably go and

pretend to have fun.

Yeah, yeah. You got this.

- Johnny.

- Hey, Mrs Douglas.

- Shelly. No more of that prosecco lying around, is there?

- Um

Well, I might just have to switch

over to wine and call the day done.

Yeah, right. Better get back to it.

You must be getting excited.

About to have two little sprogs

crawling around, wanting to play with you.

Yeah.

Given any thought to what the

children might call you?

Oh, well, I guess kids don't really

speak for ages, you know, so

- It wouldn't be Dad, would it?

- Feels a bit confusing.

Maybe Uncle, or

Or just Johnny?

Depends how much you wanna

be involved, you know?

- How much of your life you're willing to give up.

- Mm.

Yeah, well, Nat and Steph are like family, so,

you know, I'll be there for them no matter what.

No, of course. You know, I'm only

looking out for you in all of this, Johnny.

Which is why I think it might be

smart to formalise these things now.

For the sake of you

and the children.

- What do you mean?

- Did Steph not mention the parenting agreement

we've had drawn up? Oh, I'll get her to

show it to you - to read through and sign.

I appreciate this might be a bit

awkward, but better to be safe than sorry.

Wouldn't want the special chapter

to ruin any relationships.

- Don't you agree?

- Mm.

Yeah.

Mmm! Sicilian olives. Divine.

- Everything OK?

- Yeah.

I'm fine, I'm just- I've got this

I've got this random

crush on this guy.

- That must be confusing.

- Yeah.

Identifying as g*y and still

having the hots for a bloke.

- I'm straight.

- Hey?

Oh! Fabulous.

It's just like, he's my friend,

though, you know? And he's

He's great. But now I'm being all weird

and I don't know how to be around him,

and it's just- it's stupid.

It feels stupid.

You've just got to get

out of the friendzone.

- You think?

- Yeah.

The best relationships

start as friends.

I mean, you've got

kindness and respect,

but you need some alone time.

Take him out for a drink and then

pash him into boyfriend town.

Life is short, Lily.

I lost my voice. Must have been

really screaming, was I?

Yeah, you were a bit loud.

- He's gorgeous!

- How did you know?

- Got eyes in my head, girl.

- Oh, God. OK.

And just please keep this between us.

- Mum's the word.

- OK.

Ooh, oh. Oh, oh my God.

- Morning.

- Oh my God.

Oh.

I- I have a

- Fringe, yes.

- A fringe now. Yeah, wow.

- That's what you asked for, so you got it.

- Yes, I did.

- I love it.

- Great, yeah.

I think it really frames your

- forehead. It's great.

- Yeah. It's quite square.

- It's good.

- Ah, that's my coffee.

Yeah, it's been there for

a while, so I probably wouldn't

- Mm, mm. That- that's curdled.

- How long was I out for?

Just long enough that the client after

you thought you had died in the chair.

- Oh, sh*t, sh*t. I've got to go.

- I've got to go. I've got to go.

Thanks, Ricky. I'll phone bank pay

your money. Bye! Bye, love.

I just hope nothing's happened.

Maybe she's just gone

for a little walk.

You know, sometimes I like to go out

in the woods without my phone, just to

- Scream?

- Clear my head.

- Maybe I'll go look for her.

- Oh, oh, no, that's OK. You don't have to go.

- No, I'll just quickly drive around. I won't be long.

- I'll come.

Honestly, you guys really don't have

to. It's fine. You don't have to go anywhere.

Yeah, we'll just check and see if

she hasn't broken down or something.

Please don't leave me.

Please don't leave me.

No, no, go. We're happy here.

Better to be safe than sorry.

Oh, your turn. Oh! Oh.

I thought we were all good. You know,

Nat and Steph were gonna raise the babies,

and I was just gonna be around for when they

turned 16 and needed someone to buy them booze.

I don't know. Maybe I should just

stop overthinking it and just sign it.

I don't wanna overstep the mark,

you know, or make it weird.

- Also, I do want to be involved.

- Of course, yeah.

- And no one's questioning that.

- Yeah, I guess. I'm just nervous, man.

I'm just nervous that I'm just gonna make it

harder for them and the kids just by being around.

I should probably just move out.

Give them some space.

- No, no. No way.

- Don't- don't do that.

I wouldn't- I wouldn't like that.

- Shut up.

- No, no. I'm serious.

I like having you around.

You know, God, if you weren't there, who would take

all the mice out of those traps that I kept setting,

and who would bring me coffee

in the morning and

Who would do that sort of funny bullying

thing that you do that actually feels like

like flirting.

You think I'm flirting with you?

I hope you're flirting with me.

- OK.

- Sorry, I just thought

- Oh my God. Where have you been?

- I've called you, like, 20 times.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- I'm so sorry. My phone died.

- You've got a fringe.

- Yeah. I fell asleep in the chair.

It was glorious, and then Ricky sort

of Why- why is your face like that?

- Why is your hair that way?

- What's going on?

- Surprise! Oh, my beautiful girl.

- Mum! Mum?

- Oh my God! You've got a fringe.

- Yeah. Do you like it?

- There you are, Nat.

- You had us worried sick.

A new fringe.

It's brave.

Surprise.

But seriously, what is

with the fringe?

I thought that we decided that juggling new babies

and a new fringe was too much for us at the moment.

- OK, I can clip the fringe back.

- OK? Why is it such a big deal?

It just reminds me of when my dad

shaved off his moustache after the divorce.

It's really unsettling when you just change

your appearance without any warning.

OK, this is gonna grow back, dude.

I'm like, looking at you right now

and I'm just thinking to myself, like,

'Where's Nat? Where's Nat? Where

are you?' I don't know this person.

OK, it is me, I am Nat, and

I've never felt more like myself.

You've never felt more like yourself? You

look like you belong in a rockabilly punk band.

Making someone feel insecure about a new

haircut is about as low as you can get, Steph.

I would not have gone to so much trouble

and effort and care to throw you a baby shower

if I'd known that you were

just gonna leave all day

and transform yourself into

Zooey frickin' Deschanel.

f*ck you.

- I f*ck' hate Zooey Deschanel.

- I'm sorry, Dita Von Teese,

that I didn't make it back for your

surprise baby shower that I didn't ask for.

This not even about the baby shower. I

don't even care about the baby shower, Nat.

- Well, what is it about, Steph?

- Is it about the fringe?

I feel like I am losing my grip

on who you are anymore.

Do you need anything in there?

Yep, we're good. We're fine, Mum.

We thought we could open the

presents. Meredith has to go home soon.

Yeah, we'll be out in a sec.

- Nat, I just-

- No, no.

I think we should just go back out.

Talk about this later.

What is that? Is this lube?

What is this?

So I've spoken to

Johnny and he'll sign.

Freeze it. Honestly, it's gonna

save your vaginas. Trust me.

- Wow, Cass, thank you so much.

- That's a really thoughtful present.

My vag*na says 'thank you'.

OK, my turn.

Aw.

Aw, Rosie, these are so beautiful.

- Thank you.

- Did you knit that?

- I did.

- Oh, Mum.

It's the same pattern you

had when you were a baby.

- You're gonna make me cry.

- OK, let's open your one next, Mum.

Two tiny cloths for the babies.

That'll be- the babies will thank

you- the babies will love that.

No, don't waste them on the

babies. Those are for you both.

Hi, yeah, Nat! You're here.

We were just at the- we were

just at the club looking for you,

- but you weren't there, so

- No, cos I was at the hairdresser's.

- Yeah, yeah, right.

- Oh, wow. That's short.

- Mm.

- OK.

Um

Oh, damn it. I lost out

on that change table.

Oh, the over-the-top ones.

- Yeah.

- That's a bummer. I got a couple of my wishlist.

- Shall we play another game of Beer Chug?

- Yeah, I'm in.

I can confirm that both mothers

have been escorted off the premises.

And I'm sorry for

the surprise fringe.

Hopefully it'll grow on me,

and then you, and then it will

just grow back. Hopefully.

I don't think Peanut likes it very much.

They've been kicking all afternoon.

- See you in bed.

- Yeah.

Hey.

I'm really sorry things

didn't go as planned today.

Thank you.

Oh, that does look bad.

Hold on,

don't you give up on me now.

Hold on,

please don't leave

me when I'm down.