02x08 - The Speech MLK Really Wanted to Give Instead of 'I Have a Dream

[bunniefuu]

Tonight call down
on "The Price is Right"

it's Jacquis Neal.

So yeah man, how you gonna
bring me down to the world to-

Me?

They said my name wrong,

they said my name wrong

but I'm on the "Price is Right" biotch.

Chasing the
waiter down for the check

it's Matt Apodaca.

Check please please.

And flagged for

unsportsmanlike like
conduct, it's Carl Tart!

They're all here to...

Make! Some! Noise!

Welcome to "Make Some Noise"

the game so good we spun it off unchanged.

I am your host Sam Reich.

Here's how the show works,

I have here a series of
improvisational props

our players have never seen before.

Isn't that right players?

- I don't see anything.
- It's true.

- I ain't seen nothing.
- They will to the best

of their ability fulfill those prompts.

I will award them corresponding points

and the winner will take
home the coveted golden ear

which is worth its own
weight in golden ears.

Players, are you ready to rumble?

- Si señor.
- Yes.

First a little warmup round,
something to whet the palate,

an amuse-bouche if you will.

Something to amuse your
respective bouche's.

What is the bouche?

I think it's the space between

the--
- That's a taint.

- Yeah sorry I.
- No no no no no,

between the taint and
the like not the taint

but like the groove in between.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

- Yeah that's the bouche yeah.
- We're off to a flying start.

Jacquis.

Samuel.

Your Peloton instructor

is keeping you motivated with blackmail.

All right, all right,
all right, you don't stop.

Like that time you didn't stop uh huh,

you know what I'm talking about.

You better not slow them knees down

or somebody gonna find out
what you put on your knees.

You hear what I'm saying?

You gonna have abs, you gonna have a*s,

you gonna have muscles,
you gonna have five to 10

if I tell people what
you did mother f*ck.

All right.

You better keep it going,

keep going on it, sweat, sweat,

sweat like everybody sweats
when you walk in a room

'cause of what you did, sweat!

Good job.

I will cut you off there.

He did something very ill*gal.

Yeah something to do with knees.

I mean that's what it would take.

You guys seen Sam recently?

He got shredded.

What happened?



Oooh.

- Matt.
- Sam.

Deep in the pleasure of a scalp massage.

Oh yeah just back back
back of the head. Yeah.

Stop stop stop stop stop stop.

I don't have any protection.

We just can't do this no.

I will cut you off there Matt.

Every time I get a hair cut
and they do that to my head

I'm always like, "I
gotta tip 100 dollars."

Yeah it's like do I introduce
you to my parents now?

- Is a cop-
- Is that

what happens?
- Gonna kick the door

down right now, what's happening?

I do love it, I ask for
the hair wash every time.

I am always a little
disappointed when they don't do it.

A Swedish amount of points for you.

Okay nice.

Carl.

Thanks for having me.

Just the worst explanation
of daylight savings.

Back in the 1920's Henry Ford

created the eight hour work
day with a lunch break.

Right in the earlier part of the day,

usually about three hours into the day

where you would make a
sandwich of some sorts,

only could each sandwiches
in Henry Ford's plant.

And the problem with the sandwich meat

was you had to get it from a store

or some sorta market or a place like that.

And then after you would
get the sandwich meat

it's time to go back
to work at that point.

So what happened was usually at night time

when you get into the
bed you usually put on

some sort of like
negligee or night clothing

or something like that
which will then turn around

and then you wake up in the morning time

and the cows are crowing
and the birds are mooing.

And you would take breakfast,
the same meat for lunch,

you would then take that for breakfast

'cause you saved it and now it's daylight.

You get what I'm saying.

I will cut you off there Carl.

This man has no business
being a substitute teacher.

Fall back amount of points for you.

Jacquis.

Let's do this.

For those of you who
don't know

Jacquis wrote prompts for this season

of "Make Some Noise," we're very grateful.

You'll see his brilliant prompts

scattered throughout the season.

Every once in a while there
was a prompt where I read it

and I went, "I don't know
how that's gonna go."

Oooh!

And my only option is to
feed it right back to him

and see what happens.

- Oh sh*t here we go.
- Jacquis.

The speech MLK really wanted to give

instead of "I Have a Dream."

Good luck.

My fellow Americans, I have a dream,

I have a dream that one day
you white mother f*ck

gonna get yours.

Oh I swear to god one day.

m*therf*cker we coming.

I have a dream I have a dream,

I have a dream today

that one day when you
walk through the door

and you see black people and brown people,

Jews and gentiles, we
all turn around and say,

"f*ck you white m*therf*ckers!"

You white devil m*therf*ckers
you, I have a dream today!

He's right, let's storm this place.

I will cut you off.

You know something,

as a Jew it's just nice to feel included,

it really is.

It's probably what he wanted to say.

A candid amount of points for you.

Matt.

- Yes?
- Is it Matthew?

- It is.
- Oh.

But only when I'm in trouble.

Matthew.

Oh god.

Announcing tonight's
performance of "Hamilton"

has been canceled.

Ladies and gentlemen
thank you for joining us

here on the the great
white way as it were.

And tonight I do have some bad news,

I know you're all here to
see the smash hit "Hamilton."

Yes thank you, I know but unfortunately.

Lin Manuel!

Yeah I know Lin

- Patriotism!
- Just let me.

If I could just.

I spent 1,000 dollars

for this!
- No I absolutely

I understand that.

I understand that everybody is
very excited to see the show.

They ran outta Red Vines
at the concession stand.

That okay as well, this
brings me to my next point,

tonight's performance has been canceled.

You sing it!

You do the whole show!
- Okay.

How does a b*stard
orphan son of the wh*re.

The entire rest of this episode

is just you doing your best

possible "Hamilton."
♪ You say the price ♪

♪ Of my love's not the price
that you're willing to pay ♪

I mean honestly!

♪ You cry ♪

Oh my gosh.

Yeah a box seat amount

of points for you.
- Oh! Careful Lincoln.

Matt.

Which brings us back to Carl.

A survivalist is a little too eager

to drink their own piss.

Okay so at this point

you've been in the Kalahari
for about 20 minutes.

Kalahari desert is one of the
driest places on the planet.

You stumbled upon a nice
clean puddle of water here,

clearly pristine, flowing,

you always wanna drink flowing water.

But something still ain't right.

We've stumbled upon a
spring, a fresh spring,

probably some of the clearest
water we've ever seen,

but don't trust it.

Yeah I got a whole crew
of people over here

that have tons of water.

We have come to the edge
of the Kalahari desert.

There's still tons of
convenience stores and

plenty of places, but no,
that sweet warm people tea

freshly brewed in your bladder.

And I'll cut you off there Carl.

A wild amount of points for you.

That brings us to our first mini game,

the mini game in question
Wrong Answers Only.

d*ck names!

I'm gonna present you
all with a character,

you buzz in and tell me

what that characters nickname is

for their p*nis.

Make sense?

Great.

First up, Sherlock Holmes.

Jacquis.

The pipe.

That's very good.

Kicking us off with a bang.

Carl.
- Elementary school.

I have no follow up questions.

Matt.

Are you ready for some more-iarty?

Oh I see what

you did there Matt.
- It's not really a nickname

it's more of like a
catchphrase for his d*ck.

I mean I'll take a catchphrase.

Oh sh*t Matt.

Deets and Watson.

Yeah I was waiting for someone to do it.

Carl.

No sh*t.

He didn't do that.

This particular point
is going to go to Carl

for that if not the last one.

Next up, Gandalf.

Matt.

The Balrog.

Balrog is good.

Matt.

The eye of Sauron.

That one makes me giggle.

Matt.

Second breakfast.

Wow.

Explain that to me, why
is everybody laughing?

It's a "Hobbit" thing.

This round is evident that
me and Carl don't watch.

Yeah I know, a natural advantage.

Sorry this one is gonna go to Matt.

Next up, Optimus Prime.

Matt.

Sam d*ck Wicky.

Sure, yes Matt.

Jacquis.

Chevy steel.

Oh!

Carl.

Fantastic.

I do think this one's gonna go to Carl.

Sometimes it's about minimalism for me.

Yeah absolutely.

Next up Yoda.

Matt.

Baby baby Yoda.

It could also just be baby Yoda.

If baby Yoda is small, baby
baby Yoda's even smaller,

the implication being
Yoda he's not packing.

He's not packing.

And that's probably correct.

Yeah yeah.

Jacquis.

Is pen.

I think I'm gonna give that one to you.

That's Jacquis all the way.

Next up Donald Trump.

Jacquis.

The greatest p*nis.

- Oh no.
- You've ever seen.

It's triggering.

I just call 'em Don.

I hate it.

Matt.

The tallest building

in New York City.

I love everyone is pulling
out their Donald Trump's.

Carl.

I got this one in China.

Well played all three of you.

Let's say Matt for that one,

I think that's fair.

Shaq.

Jacquis.

The biggest d*ck you've ever seen.

I mean let's call it like it is.

Carl.

Carl Tart.

I'll be right back.

That brings us to round two

where our players will
now test their talents

in teams of two.

Jacquis.
- Yes.

- Matt.
- Oh.

A college tour that makes
you second-guess coming here.

You say you're from Milwaukee?

- Yeah yeah.
- All right sweet

sweet sweet sweet.
- Thank you.

You're gonna love it up here,

you're gonna love it up here.

We have none of that weather
y'all be having in Milwaukee,

y'all got snow and you know cold.

Okay great.

Now we got warm weather, earthquakes,

and fires, and sh*t like that.

That really it has circled
around the mountain

that we're in too you know?

Like that mountain was on fire

for at least two weeks last year.

Yeah but you know we got a
lotta stuff here on campus

that makes it good for us.

So right here is the dorm room.

- Oh okay.
- That you'll be in.

Now I do wanna say this,
make sure you buy shoes

because there's needles and
stuff all over the ground here.

I don't know how heroin
keeps getting on our campus

but it does so you know make
sure you bring your shoes.

- Okay.
- You excited about college?

- Yeah yeah yeah.
- Yeah man you excited

to get some?

Yeah yep that's yep.

That's cool, yeah there's no women here.

It's a all boys school.

Now if you look over here,

here is the white man that's
gonna give you all your grades.

Look at him, look how
crazy he looks right there.

You look like a B minus to me.

I think I'm gonna go learn a trade.

Based on a true story.

That's what we all did.

A scholarship amount of
points for the both of you.

Next up, Matt, Carl.

Good cop dad cop.

Get over here.

How you doing there champ?

Listen man this'll all be over

if you just tell us where
you were Thursday night.

I've already told y'all I was at home.

Yeah have a two piece.

- Chicken?
- Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Now I just want you to know

we're not mad, we're disappointed.

You can tell me man,

I'm gonna go easy on ya, I'm
gonna get you a light sentence.

I just don't want you
making the same mistakes I did

and frankly I see a lotta myself in you.

And I come from the same
neighborhood that you came from,

so we can talk on a different level.

You don't want me to call your mother?

Why would you call my
mother, I'm an adult.

I'm gonna allow you
to have one phone call.

Are you gonna call your mom?

No I'm not gonna call my mom,

I don't need a phone call,

and my-
- Your mom says

you don't call enough
and it makes us sick.

You're not my dad.

You're just a cop.

Now go to your room!

That's a cell.

That's the jail cell.

I will cut you off there.

I could probably say this,
an ACAB amount of points

for the two of you.
- Hell yeah.

Carl and Jacquis.

Fast and the Furious


Oh wanna put my seatbelt on.

Now is the air to 74?

Yeah.

All right.

It's a hot summer day.

- Oh and we are-
- We got to hurry up

and get over to Lenny's diner
for the all star special

before it goes out.

- Now hold on now hold on.
- Easy.

- Hold on now!
- You got to

think about family.

I am thinking about family,

I don't wanna leave 'em now okay?

I don't wanna leave my family,

you're going 15 miles an hour, slow down!

I'm on the highway, I got to
go with the flow of traffic.

You ain't gotta go
with the flow of nothin'.

You ain't out here racing Jason Mamoa.

May Jason rest in peace.

I know this how he
died going 22 in a 55.

Now oh wait a minute, is
that our old arch rival?

- Who?
- John Cena.

John Cena?

Yeah.

Did we go to high school with him?

No I think that was
your brother in Fast Nine.

So we technically yes you did
go to high school with him,

it was just y'all was familial.

Slow down!

I will cut you off there.

Yeah I mean at this rate
we're gonna get there.

We are.

- It's just a matter of time.
- 67.

Let's say a blockbuster amount of points

for the both of you,

which brings us back to Jacquis and Matt.

which brings us back to Jacquis and Matt.

These "Family Feud" rapid-fire
answers are way off.

Well everybody I'm
your man Steve Harvey,

and welcome back to "Family Feud."

It's time to play Fast Money.

Matt here's playing for 20,000 dollars.

I'm gonna ask you five questions,

if you can't think of
something say, "Pass."

- Okay.
- And we'll come back

to you you get 20 seconds.

Are you ready Matt?

Let's do it, let's do it.

All right here we go buddy, good luck.

Time won't start until I
complete the first question.

On a scale of one to 10

how often do you go to the bathroom?

The pyramids of ancient Egypt.

Name a word that rhymes
with the word peach.

Like the space dog cosmonaut.

Name an athlete that
you would wanna be with.

Yahoo Serious.

Name a person or place that you love.

Pass.

Name something that a parent
gives their kid in college.

"Flubber" starring Robin Williams.

Name a person or place that you love.

"Flubber" starring Robin Williams.

And I'll cut you off there.

This is somebody who had the
answers written on his hand

ahead of time.

Can't mess this up.

A survey says amount of
points for both of you.

Matt and Carl.

Bigfoot Zoom interviews for
a job he thought was remote

but turns out is in office.

Yeah so I'm pretty malleable I can-

Well actually good news,
we're actually taking this job

from remote to back in person,

things have loosened up.

I'm sorry is there something
wrong with your camera?

I beg your pardon?

You're just like very blurry.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Oh it's interesting, I don't know.

Could you just go into preferences

and maybe just see if you have

the correct camera selector maybe.

Okay I'm gonna level with
you, I'm driving right now.

You're driving.

I'm actually using my phone, the app,

the Zoom app on my phone.

Hey so you're saying that we'll be

in person for this job?
- Yeah we'll be in person.

We found that that well between you and me

nobody wants to work anymore.

All right, take it easy,

take it easy.

Jesus Christ.

But we figured that corporate culture

needs to exist in a
corporate setting okay?

So we need you to come
in and be miserable here

instead of at home.

I thought that this
was online telemarketing.

I have great phone service, I'm with MCI.

You have a great phone voice

and-
- Some people have said

that my voice sounds like
I'm in witness protection.

Question, will there be
anybody else in the office?

Yeah I'll be there, all
our staff of employees-

Hey hey buddy I'll be there too,

I'm just listening in the back here.

Yeah I'll be there.

Where'd he go?

Incredible last beat.

Jacquis was the Loch Ness monster.

I have never disliked you more

than when you said, "Nobody
wants to work anymore."

I don't mean that, I was doing joking.


points for the both of you

which brings us to the
last prompt of round two.

Wow.

Carl and Jacquis.

Okay.

Two Oscar presenters feel snubbed

for the award they're presenting.

Hello everyone.

Hello.

We are here to present the nominees

for best directors in a motion picture,

something that is very hard to do

that only a few people can actually do

and I-
- Oh we've done it,

we've done it.
- We've done it.

We've done it.

We've done it, we've done it well,

we've done it well.
- Done it well.

Directed a few movies.

Not flops in the box office.

No we made profits.

Yeah. Overseas money.

- Wow.
- Everything.

They watched our movie in China.

And I'm not a Twitter person

but if I were to read the tweets

I'm sure they would all be pretty positive

which they were 'cause I read 'em.

Now this year's nominees
have made excellent films

that have brought
inspiring stories to life.

- Yeah stories.
- I mean yes

you're right.
- Stories already written

by other people.

Right 'cause we read our stories

see we wrote our stories.
- We writ our stories.

We writ our stories.

- We writ our stories.
- We writ our stories you know

we writ and directed our stories-

That's neither here
nor there nor up or down,

left or right.
- Nope.

Okay.

We going straight through to the center

to these nominees.

Nominees are... I don't know.

Some white man for
management of managements.

Manage yeah Ed Sheeran.

I just gotta say something,

the cheese platter in the
back, lack luster at best.

It's not good!

I will cut you off there.

I was just standing over there

and I was mad on your behalf.

Yeah a best sound
mixing amount of points

for the both of you.

That brings us to our second mini game,

the mini game in
question, If It Could Talk

Florida man edition.

I'm gonna present you
with a series of headlines

featuring a man from Florida.

These are real headlines
that exist in the real world.

After I do so I'm gonna ask you to enact

those headlines for me.
- Okay.

First up, Florida man desperate

for ride to Hooters calls 911.



Help!

Help me!

Are you injured,

are you safe?
- Did you hear that?

My tummy's rumbling

to keep-
- My stomach!

Did you tell him my stomach's rumbling?

Yeah I'm telling 'em right now.

Sorry is there two of you there,

you're both okay?
- Yes me and my brother.

My name is Daryl, this my brother Daryl.

You're both named

Daryl okay.
- Daryl and Daryl,

we're the Daryl's.

This is the emergency
line, what is your emergency?

We don't have no car and we
got to get over to Hooter's,

it's Monday night you
know what that means?

Wings and t*tties!



Sir this is, this is
an emergency hotline,



Hey who the hell you you think you are?

Yeah who is you?

Why don't I come on down
to that hospital you work at

and knock your d*ck in the dirt?

Okay I don't,

I'm a 911 dispatcher, I
don't work at a hospital.

Where you work at then?

I'm not telling you where I am.

Well how close is it to the Hooters?

We need some wings and t*tties!

Why don't you take us down there?

You sound like you drive a


Can you fit us?

Just give me your address

and I'll pick you guys up.
- We're both very large.

I will cut you off there.

"I will knock your d*ck in the dirt,"

I believe I heard you say.

Florida man wakes up on Christmas eve

to find intruder sucking
his toes.

What's?

My man, chill out, chill out.

Hey, hey!

Whatcha doing?
- Hey my man.

- Watcha doing down there?
- Man shut up.

Man go back to sleep.

Santa I said we have to
get back on the sleigh,

what are you doing?

Shut up Rudolph.

Whatcha doing man?

Get my toes out your mouth.

Listen it's Christmas,

I'm giving you a miracle right now.

No stop licking my big toe.

My man I'm sorry, I just,

I was walking by and your feet were poking

outta the, into the bed
and I was just like,

hold on man let me see what
these talking about real quick.

Don't make it weird, you making it weird.

You know where my feet have been?

- Where?
- Well he's seen you

when you're sleeping, he
knows when you're awake.

Santa is a freak.

I will cut you off there.

You heard him, your
first Santa is a toe guy.

Toe guy.

Next up, Florida man
trapped in unlocked closet

for two days.

Hey man if I die in here first-

No man don't don't don't don't.

You got permission to eat me.

Don't say that, we're
gonna get outta here okay?

You got permission to eat me.

Someone's gonna come along

and they're gonna free us from-

No man you can eat me. Eat me!

Hey y'all shut up I'm
trying to watch "Judge Judy."

- Well hey man.
- It ain't none

of my business what you're doing in there,

but just please keep it down.

♪ We're trapped in this closet ♪

Turn the door knob sir.

Turn the door knob.

- Turn the door knob.
- We haven't tried

turning the door knob.

Like we haven't.

Oh damn.

Looks like you hadn't tried it.

Hey man let us get back in here.

Hey man, eat me man.

No I'm not gonna eat you.

Yeah something tells me

this wasn't about being trapped.

Florida man arrested

after stealing 66 rolls of toilet paper.

I'm innocent.

It's hard to hide 66
rolls of paper towel.

Those are my thighs.

Those are your thighs?

- Those are your thigh-
- Yeah.

And let me guess,
you're very muscular too?

Yeah I work out only my upper half.

You look like the Michelin man.

I eat a lotta sweets and
it all goes to my thighs.

Let me ask you something.

Ask me anything, I'm an open book.

What's that stuck to
your shoe right there?

It looks like you just
came out of the bathroom.

So I got a little toilet
paper stuck to my shoe,

everything else is normal okay?

Sir you're under arrest.

I'm not going.

We keep sh**ting and
it's bouncing off of him.

We keep sh**ting it's just bouncing off!

Cut!

Man f*ck the cops dude.

And last but certainly
not least of this mini game.

Florida woman arrested for
peeing in the store's ice cream.

You do samples here?

Yeah you can sample
anything we got here.

Well I was reading the newspaper today

and this is specific what I wanna sample,

I'm a survivalist you see.

Misses Grylls?

You caught me, the one and the only.

Wow good to see you.

It's an honor to have
you here in our store.

What would you like,

would you like some pralines and cream?

Maybe some cookies and cream?

Some butter and cream?

I think I want some piss and cream.

Well as a matter of fact we have that.

Nice big sample size.

We can't give this stuff away.

Nobody wants it.

Somebody ain't been
drinking enough water.

You're under arrest.

Y'all the cops?

Yeah you're under arrest,
you're under arrest.

Come back!

That brings us to round three

where our players will now hold hands

and jump into the abyss together.

It's not happening.

Jacquis, Matt, Carl.

All three of us?

A heist team realizes they
all have the same specialty.

- All right yo all right.
- Okay okay.

So look, we gotta get
money for our families man,

our families need money
man, they in jail right now.

I wanna make this abundantly
clear, after this I walk.

I thought I was the guy who walks after.

- Yeah no you're-
- I'm the dude who walks

like I'm the one who walks-
- No no you gotta stay

being a criminal, both of
y'all stay being a criminal.

- No no no no no no no no.
- I gotta-

No man I'll specialize in
turning my life around bro.

I'm the one that walks,

I'm the one that goes
and becomes a preacher

and never speaks of this again

until the cops come 20 years
later and I go, "You found me."

Wait a minute

I'm the one that walks and
goes and be's a preacher

until the cops come 20 years later

and says, "You found me" and
then I run and walk again.

You guys, it's as if you
took this directly from me

because I said, "Look I'll do one more job

"but then I'm walking away."

And donning the cloth,
becoming a preacher.

And then 20 years down the line

if the cops wanna come
get me I won't say no.

Hey man I'm gonna walk this.

I'm walking this man.
- No no I'm gonna walk.

I'm walking now man.

No man I'm walking.
- No.

No no I'm walking, I'm.

I'm just gonna do what
I'm brought here doing,

cut this wire okay?
- No wait man,

I cut the wire bro.
- Cut the wire.

I'll cut you off there.

I worried for Matt for a moment

but that he was gonna drown.

So did I.

An "Ocean's 11", no an "Ocean's


A good one.

Next up, three poker
players with terrible tells.

Oh boy y'all going down.

f*ck!

No sh*t no.

Fold.

Right hold on hold
on let me, you folding?

No or maybe not.

You know the game, you know the rules.

Texas hold 'em.

Okay here's the river.

Okay all right, what's the river.

God damn it!

My wife's gonna k*ll me.

Texas.

Hey man what's your tell then?

Wouldn't you like to know.

Full royal flush.

Ah three twos.

Two and seven, why
did I bet my house, why?

Do I win?

Do you not know how to play?

- No.
- And I'll buzz you out there.

It felt a little bit

like even though they were all terrible

they were perfectly matched.

Straight up two poker
players with terrible tells

and one who has no idea

what poker is, what the hands are.

Trips on the river, amount
of points for three of you.

Last prompt of our game.

Great.

In lieu of white noise

to help you sleep, Caucasian noise.

Your credit score is 845.

Ah this Thanksgiving
dinner is minimalistic.

I am the manager.

Ah these Air Force One's are filthy.

Ah I'll fail and still move forward.

Ah I'll have a vodka soda.

My favorite band is Arcade Fire.

Ah I'm stressed

I'm gonna have some dark chocolate.

I love improv comedy.

And I will cut us off.

There.

Privileged amount of points
for the three of you.

That brings us to the end of our game.

Our winner this eve.

Jacquis Neal.

- Oh wow.
- Jacquis.

A much deserved and coveted golden ear.

Thank you.

I have a dream today.

Oh boy.

That does it for us here
at "Make Some Noise."

Tune in next time for
more of the game same-r,

I'm Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.

Goodnight.