02x10 - Good Marks

[bunniefuu]

Ooh baby, I'm getting the
dinger tingles, baby.

I'm feeling a long ball here.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, baby.

C'mon. Get legs! Get legs!

Dah, yo! He stinks,
frickin' trade that guy.

- Whoa.
- Yo, there he is.

Yo, you wanna watch
the Phils with us?

- No, thanks.

Hmmm. That's weird.

Yeah, I thought Abe Lincoln
was dead.

We must come together! As hard
and painful as it may be-

Alright. What the hell's goin'
on in here?

Oh, hey Mark.
We're just role-playing.

Uh, what?

He's tutoring me in
U.S. History.

Wow. My own stepson learning
history from another man?

Okay. Fine.
You know what?

Don't come crying to me when
you flunk outta school!

Ridiculous.
You better watch out, David!

I might role play as
Lee Harvey Oswald!

What?

I think he means
John Wilkes Booth.

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

Mark. Is something wrong?

I'm good.

Mark.

Okay fine. You know what?
How are you gonna ask

Jinglebells to tutor you
instead of me?!

Ridiculous.

Uh... he's got a history
degree from Cornell?

Pfft! Oh, big deal, okay.

Everybody knows Ivy
League schools are a joke.

Ask me any question
about history. Go ahead.

Okay. Which U.S. President
is featured on the $100 bill?

Uh, Ben Franklin.
Pfft, easy.

Ben Franklin was actually
never president.

The correct answer is none.

Uh, that's not history, Darren.
That's a riddle.

How about you, answer me this:
Who built the pyramids?

Uh... Egyptians?

Wrong.
Aliens, bud.

Oh my God. Seriously?

Uh, yeah. But you're not gonna
learn that from David

because they don't put that
stuff in the books.

Hun, Darren's been struggling
in history class.

David's just helping him
keep up.

Uh excuse me, you know about
this arrangement too, Tammy?

Wow. The betrayals are
adding up here.

If you knew anything about

U.S. History, you could have
called Mom 'Benedict Arnold.'

Uh, this has nothing to
do with breakfast, Darren.

Oh my god.

Oh okay, yeah. Laugh it up.
You guys think I'm dumb?

Nobody thinks you're dumb.
- I do.

- Darren, enough.
Let me tell you something,

I could have easily
gone to Harvard.

I just didn't apply myself.

If I took your history
class right now,

I would definitely get an A.

In fact, I bet the teacher would
be asking me about history.

Uh yeah, whatever you say,
Mark.

Alright, well,
I guess we'll see then.

Oh, no. Is he gonna try and go

back to high school to
prove a point?

- Yes.
Ughhh.

[school bell]

Oh, man. This is a great idea,
Mark.

I've always wanted to go
back to high school

so I can finally take
Advanced Wood Shop.

But uh... are you sure we're
allowed to do this?

Yes, Hank.
it's a Public School.

It's like the uh, library.

If you pay taxes,
you can go to high school.

Man, this place hasn't
changed at all.

- Stop.
- Hey, what the hell is this?

You are not authorized to
access this facility.

Please scan your student I.D.

Ay-- move--
Relax, Robocop.

We're just here to learn.

Failure to comply will
result in

escalation to school
authorities.

Alright, alright. Relax.
Okay, we're leaving.

Go go go! Hank!
C'mon, c'mon.

Security alert.
Code 221!

Ah! Alright he got me,
he-- he got me!

So, why are two grown men
trying to enter my high school?

Ma'am,
we're just here to learn.

If you're looking to
further your education,

there are plenty
of adult programs

that might be more
age-appropriate.

Ah, c'mon, dude.
I really need this, okay?

I gotta show my step-son,
I can get an A in U.S. History.

I'm sorry.

I'm not gonna defy
school policy so

you can prove a
point to your step-son.

Alright. Well then
I guess I gotta

sue you for age discrimination.

Alright well, those are
the magic words.

Not touchin' that one.

Uh... Hello?

- Don't touch that!
- Oh!

Uh... Mr. Jackson?

The wood shop is off-limits.

Oh uh... it's me, Hank Hoagies.

I was hoping to uh,
take advanced wood shop

and, uh, finally learn how to
use all the big tools.

You can't, the wood shop
is no more.

Oh uh, sorry to hear that, uh...

Well I uh, I finally finished
my uh,

birdhouse project if you
wanna see it.

Hm. Impressive craftsmanship.

So, you want to take
Advanced Woodshop, eh?

Uh, yeah.

Well, then.

Let's get started.

Woah! Uh, heheh.

Oh, no.

- Sup.
- What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm
doing. I'm taking ninth grade

U .S. History, bud.

Are you even allowed in school?

- Boom.
- Ugh. Mark, please.

Okay, I was wrong.
You're actually a genius, okay?

Uh no, Darren.
That was not sincere.

I'm gonna earn your respect
by acing this class.

Now if you excuse me,
I'm here for school,

not socializin'.

Morning history, fam!

So uh,
as you may have noticed,

We have a new student
in class today.

Yeah. Let's give a warm
welcome to Mark Hoagies.

So, what happened to Woodshop?

Damn Superintendent pulled
our funding

for more computer classes.

Oh, that ain't right.

Woodshop was my favorite class
in high school.

You know,
it warms my heart to see that

someone still understands the
value of craftsmanship.

Now, where was I?

Ah, yes!

Anyone can build a birdhouse,
but to pass Advanced Woodshop,

you must make something
much more complex...

'The Marionette.'

Oooh. Do I get to
use all the tools?

Ah-bup-bup.
One step at a time.

We'll start with the table saw.

Hell yeah.

Y'okie-dokie. Can anyone tell me
some of the motivations behind

Andrew Jackson's
Indian Removal Act?

Mmmark.

Uh, the government wanted
to hide the discovery

of ancient alien technology on
Native American lands?

Heh, based.

Haha, Interesting guess, but
gonna be a no from me, dawg.

Uh. Anyone else?
Darren.

President Jackson believed
it would

open up land for
white settlers.

Correctamundo.

Looks like someone did
their reading last night, dawg.

Uh... heh, yessir.

Alright history fam.

Don't forget, tomorrow
we've got a quizzorino,

so make sure you smash
that reading tonight.

Oh hey! Mark!

I think it's pretty rad
what you're doing, man.

Takes major cojones to go
back to high school, you know.

Thank you, Mr. Bouchard.
'Preciate it.

Oh, c'mon. Class is over.

You can call me Jared.
Been a long time, brotha. Hoo.

Wait we-- we know each other?

Yeah! We went to
high school together.

Stormin' Mormon?

Uhhh. Damn dude. I didn't uh,

recognize you
with the long uh... long hair.

Yeah. Yeah, I've been growing
it out since the divorce.

Ooh, sorry to hear that,
but it looks good, though,

It's got a real early uh...
early 2000s Undertaker vibe.

Ah thanks, brotha.

Anyway, uh, let me know
if you ever wanna grab

a drink and catch up
outside of class.

Wait. Drinks?

I thought Mormons
weren't allowed to do that.

Yeah well, you know, left
the wife and that life behind.

Problem is, most of my friends
were through the church.

I'm kinda in the market for
some dude pals to bro down with.

- You feel me?
- Uh yeah, maybe another time.

I got a uh... y'know, I got that
quizzorino to study for, so...

Right on, brotha. Okay.
Keep crushing it. Bang!

Hey Tam, you mind uh,
turning that down?

I'm trying to study over here.

Oh. Well, it looks like
you're on your phone.

Uh, no. I'm actually watching
educational history videos.

Well, maybe you should, I
don't know, read the textbook?

Pfft! Yeah, right.

You want me to read from
some boring book when

I can just watch a


that sums it all up
with fun animations?

Get out of here.
- Hey there, Mark.

You wanna come study with us?
- Uh, I'm good, Scrooge.

Okay, I don't need the
Ghost of Christmas Past

comin' to teach
me history.

Uh... I'm Martin Van Buren.

Martin-- what?
Who the hell is that?

Alright, history fam.
Most of you slayed this thing.

Nice work.

Ms. Mia. Well done.

D-money. Nice work.

Mark.

What the hell?

Hey, listen, Mark.
I can recommend a great tutor.

His name's David and
he's really smart.

Heheheheh.

Yeah okay, laugh it up,
Darren.

Your friends know you
like anime?

Uh. We all like anime.

Pfft! Yeah well, I guess
this is what happens

when everybody gets a
participation trophy.

Oh my God, what?

If anyone's getting a
participation trophy,

it's you, Mr. C minus.

Bullying detected!

Please refrain from
harassment or

I will be forced to take action.

Come on, Dar.
Don't stoop to his level.

Bullying him on social media.

Everything cool over here?

Yeah, all good.
What's with the T-800?

Oh, it's some new
security robot.

I guess it just got some
kind of Anti-Bullying upgrade.

Damn, man.

Can you imagine if we had one
of those when we

went to high school? The thing
would be going berserk.

We were giving each
other wedgies left and right.

Totally. I still have a scar
on my perineum.

So, boys, how was school?

I got a B on the history quiz.
- Uh, it was B-minus.

Mark got a C-minus.
- Go to your room, please.

Because you got a C-minus?
- Because... you're bullying me.

- Grow up.

See this, Tam?
He's been doing this non-stop.

It's very hard to focus in class
when Darren is

constantly giving me crap.

Bro, you don't
even read the books.

Uh. Yeah well... I can't learn
using traditional methods, okay.

They're too boring for me.
Ok-- I'm neuro... detergent.

- Pfft!
- Darren!

Hahaha yeah,
laugh it up, Darren.

ADHD is actually very
common and in geniuses.

Albert Einstein, why do you
think he has the crazy hair?

Because he... didn't know
where his...

hairbrush was all the time, y--

Well, maybe academics isn't
for you, which is fine.

Yeah, Mark. I agree.

You should stop going to
my high school.

Speaking of academics,
David's here.

[phone]

Hun, don't be afraid to ask the
teacher for extra help.

I'm here to fill your mind,
young Padawan.

Oh don't worry about that.
I won't.

Yooo. There he is.

Yo, there's my guy.

What's up, dude, what
do you want to drink?

Ah-da-bop-bop-bah.
Man... y'know, I dunno,

this whole bar scene
is sort of new to me.

Maybe a Strawberry Daiquiri?

Is that weird? Yeah,
that's weird. Okay.

What about a Sex on the Beach?

Uh... Yeah.
Maybe we start with a beer.

Yes. A beer. Classic.
Love that idea.

So I walk in and this dude is
just going to town on her, man.

I mean, it was bruuu-tal.

Ah. Sucks, man.

But it's all good. I still got
my other passion: teaching.

Let me tell you,
there's nothing better

than seeing
those kids light

up when I blow their
frickin' minds. Heh.

Well, except... maybe getting
my mind blown by

that milfarino with the
Richard Simmons

hair at your two o'clock.
Sup.

Yeah, totally.

So listen, uh, you're looking
for a wingman,

I'm looking to get an
A in your class,

so... How about we, ya know,
help each other out?

Ah, I feel ya. I feel ya.

Looking for a little 'extra
help' from ya boi?

Ay, I'm just saying,
otherwise I'm gonna have

to go home and study...

Okay. Alright. I hear that.
Let's do it, brotha.

Yoo, let's gooo.

♪ [action]

Think I'm gonna call him
"Baseball Boy."

This is some fine craftsmanship,
Mr. Hoagies.

A-plus. Congratulations,
you've passed.

Oh, wow. That's awesome!

So, uh, can I use
that big tool now?

Oh... I don't know if you're
ready for that one.

But you gave me an A-plus.

Listen, Hank. Beneath that
tarp is a very powerful tool.

Forbidden to all but the
most committed craftsman.

I mean, uh,
I'm pretty committed.

I spent 15 years working
on that birdhouse.

Okay, but you must understand,

once I show you its secrets,
there's no going back.

Yeah, okay. I want to
learn all the tools.

Well then... it's time
for you to

take your craft
to the next level,

to bring your creation to life!

Uh... Mr. Jackson?
You okay?

Yoohoo!
Up here.

Woah... uh... hi?
Wait, are you?

Mr. Jackson?

Please.
Call me by my puppet name:

Chippy.

Uh... Okay.

So, how was school?

It was okay.

Whoaaa. Look at you, Mark.
A-plus. That's amazing!

- How'd you do, Darren?
- B-plus.

That's not bad!

I mean, it's no A-plus,
but hey, you know,

academics aren't for everyone, bud.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
need to attend my study session.

Yo, let me get two more

Pineapple Upside
Down Cake shots.

Oh, wait. Make that three.

Uh nah, I'm okay uh...

I actually gotta get out
of here so...

Can I get those answers?

Oh yeah, yeah. My b.

One sec, babe.
Hold on.

Anyone uh... see Mr. B?

Maybe he was out
late last night.

Gah, um, good morning,
good morrrrning.

Blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah,
blah. Blah!

Ok, stuuds. Uh, pop quiz:

guess who got some top-notch
boingo-bananas last night.

This guyyyyy.

Okay, what was I doing?

Oh yeah. Last quiz
before the big kahuna.

Uh, Mr. Boosh, uh,
you need a hand there, or?

Uh no, I got plenty
of that last night. Hahaha.

Uh, this is a flyer
for intramural basketball.

- Bro!
- Oh, God.

Ohh, ow, my head, my head...
Oooh...

Ah, frickin' Stormin' Mormon.

So he's in rehab?

Yep. It's ridiculous.

I mean, the guy was
barely even buzzed.

Mark's just upset because now he
can't cheat on the final exam.

Wow, wow. I see how it is.

I couldn't possibly be gettin'
good grades because I'm smart.

Gotta be cheating, eh?
Unbelievable.

I literally saw Mr. Bouchard
hand you the answers at TJ's.

The other day, he winked at you
after handing your test back.

C'mon, man.

Mark? Is this true?

You know what? Yeah.
Yeah, it is.

He's been giving me
the answers, okay?

But that is not cheating!

How is that not cheating?

I have ADHD, okay.
I'm allowed extra help.

Uh, I don't know if
being given the answers

qualifies as "extra help."

Well, some people study to
get an A,

and others use their
people skills, okay.

It's just different paths up
the same mountain.

'Cause I got news for you,
Darren,

in the real world,
all that matters is results.

It doesn't matter how
you get there.

Argh, this is pretty
pathetic, Mark.

You cheated at ninth
grade history.

You know what?

Now I know how Millard
Fillmore must have felt

when he was abandoned by the
Whigs at the 1852 Convention.

Guy signs a frickin'
Compromise of 1850

just to keep the country
from falling apart

and what did he get for it?
No nomination!

You know why? Because
it's always the visionaries

who get thrown under
the bus by the same people

who should be
appreciating them.

- Hey, Mark.
- Oh, great.

You hear to bust my
ba*ls about cheating?

Mark, you weren't cheating.

Pfft. What are you
talking about?

Bouchard was giving me
all the answers.

Yeah, it's called learning.
Bouchard was just tutoring you.

The "answers" you were reading
were actually just study guides.

Huh. Get the hell out of here,
How about that?

So I was thinking... maybe
we could study together.

Wait, do you really mean that,
or are you just being a bully?

Yeah. You-- you really
know this stuff.

Really appreciate that, Darren.
But wh-- what about David?

Honestly... I think you know the
material better than him.

Plus, his costumes are becoming
increasingly problematic.

So uh... you're a puppet now?

Indeed. Like wood shop,
I too was dying.

I had to get out of
that decrepit old flesh sack.

But... uh... how?

The Unspooler!

Whoa.

I built it myself, based on the
drawings of Geppetto Lucignolo,

an 18th century puppeteering
genius from Florence.

Lucignolo believed that
the mind

was intricately woven,
like a fine thread,

throughout our entire
nervous system,

and that if you could
unspool this thread,

you could transplant your soul.

Oh, wow. Pretty cool.

Pretty cool indeed.

Using this machine here,
I discarded my dying body...

... for this sturdy wooden one,

free from the
frailties of flesh.

So join me, Hank.
And together we can live

in the wood shop,
puppet friends forever.

For today you become...
Baseball Boy.

Hm, yeah uh...
I think maybe this tool

is a little too
advanced for me.

Alright, everyone.
As you may have heard,

Mr. Bouchard will be taking
a leave of absence,

so we'll have a proctor over-
seeing your final exam today.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
How you gonna replace

Bouchard with a frickin'
security robot?

We want Mr. Bouchard back.

- Yeah!
- Seriously

Yeah, well, too bad.

STU doesn't show up
to class drunk.

And the best part, no tenure.

I will now distribute
your exams.

Wait Scantron?

Yo, this is supposed to
be essay questions.

No talking!

Psst! Mark!
This isn't what we studied.

I know.
I don't know any of this stuff.

This test is like a
third of our grade!

Oh man, this ain't right.

Hey uh, R2D2, I think you
got the wrong test here, bud.

No talking.

This test is generated by STU
based on the latest textbooks.

Maybe you just didn't study.

Bullying detected.

Please refrain
from harassment or

security protocols
will be taken.

Ugh, this anti-bullying
software is way too sensitive

They gotta fix that.

Yo, Darren. Yeah,
that's right you,

you frickin' nerd!

Yeah, take that, you geek!

Mark, what the hell?

Yo, just trust me, Dar.

Severe bullying detected.
Initiating security protocols.

Oh, God.

Uh, holy crap.

Mark! Run!

Aaaaaaaahhhhh!

Welp, this is gonna
be a lawsuit.

Everyone, uh... test postponed.

I mean, uh-- do I have to
become a marionette?

Can't we, you know,
just be friends or...?

No, no, no, no.

Do you understand how
lonely it is

being the only living
marionette around?

Yeah, I hear you, but I think
I'm going to head back, yeah.

It's too late, Hank.

I'm afraid there is
no going back.

Now that you know
all the tools,

you know my secret.

This school has a zero
tolerance bullying policy.

You must die! You must die!
You must die!

Hank? What the hell is
going on in here?

Oh hey, Mark, would
you mind, uh, saving me?

Woah! What the hell?

Woodshop is closed!

No computers allowed in
the wood shop!

Security alert 285:

malevolent entity detected.

Initiating maximum force.

Whoa holy...
Yo this is pretty nuts.

Take this!

Uh, I'm thinkin' we get the
hell out of here,

what are you think?
- Uh okay, yeah.

Man, I guess high school
really has changed.

You can say that again.

Goodbye, old friend.

So, Mr. Bouchard.
You're looking fresh.

Three months of rehab-arino
will do that to you.

I guess you could say I had
my own, personal

"Whiskey Rebellion."

Alright well,
we're proud of you,

and the students are grateful
to have you back.

Alright well,
catch ya on the flip!

STU? Where have you been?

Time to bring back woodshop.