02x14 - Shorty Hoagies

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe you finally
get a Saturday off...

and we're spending our night
looking at flowers.

The Philadelphia Flower
Show is an institution, Mark.

People dress up for this.

Uh. Excuse me?
This is a $300-dollar

Mitchell and Ness, okay.
This is Eagles Couture.

I mean, come on, hun.
How cool is this?

Yeah, it's alright.

So, I'm thinking,
Hamilton Horticourt,

Guardians of the Garden,
oh, and we gotta make

sure we leave time at the
end for the Frond Farewell.

Okay, fine. Let's just
make it quick though, okay.

I wanna hit up
a couple bars in

Old City and get cheesesteaks
at Jimangelo's.

No, Mark. We need to get
back at a reasonable time.

Darren's home alone.

Uh. He's 14, Tam.
Okay, in the middle ages

he'd already have like
nine kids by now. He's fine.

[doorbell]

Who's down to
get irresponsible!

Bro!

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI.

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

God these are like the
smallest wings ever,

what are they like from
a pigeon?

It's the Flower Show hon,
not Hooters.

Yeah. That's for sure.

Stunning.
Oh, how beautiful is that?

Ohh, that's amazing.

See? I told you it was cool.

Yo Tam, they turned McGannihans
into a throwing axe bar.

Check this out.

Ugh, Mark. Can we just
enjoy this together?

Sure, hon. My bad.

I mean, who wants to
throw axes when you can

walk around looking at
frickin' plants.

They're not just plants.
They're works of art.

Ooh, Mark, Look!
Flower Gritty!

Uh, okay, not gonna lie,
that is...

that does excite me.

Oh. And look over there.
They got the plants from Mario.

No frickin' way!
Now we're talkin'.

So these things eat meat,
right?

Yes. Mostly small insects.

They release enzymes
that dissolve--

You ever feed these
things chicken wings?

No, sir.
They would die.

Ah. Interesting.

Can I just uh, try?
For science?

-Ah! Are you kidding me?!

What the hell, man?
These are like 25 bucks.

Bruh, you're wild for this.

Yeah, boy!

Um... we're not gonna get
caught though, right?

Relax. This is an old-school,
tried and true prank.

Guaranteed laughs,
zero consequences.

You've done this before?

Pfft! C'mon man. I've been doing
this since the 18th century.

Still hilarious every time.

Alright. Let's do it.

My dude.

Wait... where's pig number 2?

Exactly.

Our patented sticky soil allows
you to grow

plants sideways or even
upside-down.

- Wow.
- Very cool.

Next up, a cutting-edge
technology that

will radically transform the
plant space.

Instant bonsai.

-Oh wow!
-That's unbelievable!

Now, we all love a garden
in the sunshine...

but what if I told you, it could
be even more stunning...

at night?

Genetically modified flowers
for bioluminescence.

Oh my God, dude. That's sick.
It's like a blacklight poster.

Yeah, looks like you're
having fun at the

lame old flower
show after all, huh?

Yo Tam, let's get out of here.

Guardians of the Garden starts
in 10 minutes.

Don't want to miss it.
-Wow...hahaha.

In addition to pollinators,
there are many other

insects who help protect
our fruits and vegetables.

Ugh. Why hasn't Darren
texted back?

This is Grace.

Who here knows what kind
of insect she is?

It's a Praying Mantis!
It's a praying mantis.

Uh... correct.

Boom. Yeah, I watched a lot
of bug fights on YouTube, so--

-What's up, plant people, who's
ready to germinate...

...On the dance floor!

Yo Tam.
We gotta check that out.

I dunno, Mark.
It's getting late.

We should probably head back.

Aw c'mon. You dragged me
to the flower show,

and now you wanna leave
before the big party?

I just don't wanna
be irresponsible.

C'mon Tam, you've been a
mom since we met.

We never got to do
any adventures together.

It's not like we're
sneaking off to Vegas.

It's an 8 pm after-party
at the frickin' Flower Show.

Oh thank God.
Darren says he's

"watching a movie and
going to bed early."

See? Kid's 14 going on 60.
It's all good.

Orchid VIP passes?

Oh well.
Guess we tried.

Whoa whoa whoa.

You think a little velvet rope
is gonna stop Mark Hoagies

from having a crazy
night with his wife?

No way, José.
I am getting us in.

How you doin' bud.

You look like a man
familiar with the martial arts.

Guilty as charged.

Alright, so lemme ask you okay:

Which insect would win in
a death match?

Tarantula or praying mantis?

Oh man, that's tough.

Okay, so... it's a
praying mantis,

which means it's got
God on it's side,

and God doesn't make mistakes.

But, it's hard to bet
against the giant spider.

So, I'm gonna go with...
tarantula.

Ehhh! Mantis.
-What? No way.

Dude, they're like the frickin'
Jon Jones of bugs, yo.

Check it out.

Oh man... Ohoho!

What's up, Slurp Heads?!

Welcome to Smooth Talkers,
the pod where we review

blended bevs and
chop it up about whatevs.

Today, we're live at
the Jinglepad!

That's right.
And we'll be reviewing the

PB Mango Monster from
Ramba Juice.

Shall we?
Let's... Slurp. It. Up.

[Slurping]
Mmm.

Argh!

Ooh! Careful! Ah--
If we make a mess,

Andrea will never let me
podcast here again.

Sorry. I got startled
by the pigs.

Pigs?
The hell?!

Aaahh! Where's pig number two?!

Brooo. This prank is goated.

See the Mantis is a striker,
so the tarantula,

all it needs to do is just
sorta like sh**t in,

get him on the ground, right,

and then just like,
Bam Bam,

just ground-and-pound him
until he submits.

Hello? What's the holdup?

Oh, sorry.

You're good.

Ugh! Where's the second pig?!
What are you doing?

I thought you're going to help
me get rid of them.

It makes weird sounds when
I get close.

Aaghhhh.
We have to find this pig!

Holy crap, dude.
This is unbelievable!

Yeah, for sure...

so like, maybe we wrap this up
and go play Farm Crossing?

What? Dude, things
are just heating up.

Yeah, I know--
Yeah, it's just...

Y'know, David's been tweaking
for like an hour.

It's out of our hands now,
my guy.

Yeah... Heheh...

Wai- Dude.
Where are you going?!

♪ [dance]

Would the lady like another
Gin and Tulip?

[giggles]
Thanks, hun.

This is so fun.

Right? Yeah, it's pretty good.

Hey big boy.

Aw don't look at
me like that, Tam.

[giggles]
Mark!

Whoa!

Watch it yo!

Tam?
Whoa!

C'mere you big begonia!

- Uh... Mark?
- Huh?

Is it me or did
this room get bigger?

Oh my God.
We shrunk!

Oho man.
This is classic.

This is not classic.
It's a disaster.

How do we undo this?

Alright just calm down.
It's all good.

All we gotta do is hit that
switch up there

when we're ready to unshrink.

Wait, what do you mean
"ready to unshrink?"

Hun, can we just take
a second and

acknowledge the crazy adventure
we're having together?

I mean this is a night out!

I let myself go for one night...

Oh c'mon, Tam.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime
chance to be tiny!

I've dreamed about this
my whole life.

Well, if we don't find a
way to that switch,

it'll be more than
dreams getting crushed.

[doorbell]

Tom Jonesly. Animal
Control Special Task Force.

You got a pig problem?

Oh thank God.

Wait. Why is this
a "special task?"

New strain of the swine flu.

All porcine calls go
through STF now.

Swine flu?

Smart move calling
Animal Control.

I thought you called
Animal Control.

Wait. You called
Animal Control?

Yeah, sorry look, I-- I just--
I kinda felt bad and--

Duuude. Epic move!
It's about to go downnnn!

Grab as much as you can.

We need enough to climb
to the switch.

Gotta say uh, gathering dirt...
Not on my tiny bucket list--

Holy macaroni.

It's beautiful.

Oh yeah, you gotta get
in on this.

Whoa! Yo. Uh...

Hey bud, uh.
You want some cream? Yeah?

Mmm. There we go. Yum...

You wanna be
my insect friend?

Aaahhhhh! Oh! Oh My God!!!
Ow God!

Mark! Oh my God!
Hey. Get off of him!

Ow! Get off! Argh!
Get off!

Thats my husband!

Whoa so yeah, that is uh "Not"
like what happens in the movie.

Uhh...

- Oh God!
- Ahhh!!

Whoa! What the-?

Hear you got an ant problem.

Woah. Hohoho oh man.

Uh... thanks... uh...

- Kaia.
- How did you--?

Ah-- No time for small talk.

Dead ants release alarm
pheromones.

We gotta move before the
whole colony shows up.

Uh, whole colony? Yeah. Hope.
Uh, time to go.

- You doing a podcast?
- Yes.

Nice. Yeah me and my buddy
do one where we watch 80's

movies and talk
about the boobies.

Oh wow, that's a...
uh yeah, that's a topic.

- No sign of pig two.

Okay, so I guess maybe there
wasn't a pig number 2 after all.

Let me tell you something, pal.
I've been doing this for over

thing I've learned--

there is "Always"
a pig number two.

Phillips, get me the CDC and
the FBI.

Hendricks, coffee run.
It's gonna be a long night.

Nice place you got here.

Thanks.
Found it after Sneaker-Con.

Oh wow. It's so cute.

I love how you turned all
the little things into,

like... big things.

Yo I gotta say man, those
ants are no joke, phew.

Pfft. Those are nothing.

Spiders, on the other hand,
watch out.

Oh... Spiders.
Um, okay.

Uh yo actually can I get one of
those blades over there?

Oh wow what is this like uh,
shark tooth or something?

- Toenail clipping.
- Ugh.

Gotta be resourceful when
you're the size of

a chess piece, right?
Edamame?

Oh, thank you.

Uh, I'm gonna pass. Uh, having
some uh... stomach issues.

Maybe it was the handfuls
of cream filling you ate.

Ooh yeah.
That's a no-no.

Processed sugars: Impossible to
digest at this size.

Gotta be real careful about what
you put in your body out here.

Ugh come on. That's like the
best part of being small.

Man when you're this small,

literally everything can
k*ll you.

One wrong move, and your
rat food.

Just the other day I almost died
when somebody dropped a mint.

Every day is a new adventure.

Oh yeah. Sounds great.

So, how'd you end up small?

Well same as you, I'm guessing.

I snuck into the instant

bonzai tree thingy at
last year's show.

And you don't want to
get big again?

Heh. What's the rush? I'm 25,
I've got no attachments,

I'm just enjoying what life
throws my way.

We only get one ride on
this merry-go-round, right?

Huh, yeah...

Sometimes I feel like I never
even got on the merry-go-round.

How about you?
What's your story?

Oh, you don't wanna hear it.

I'm just... an old, boring mom.

Are you kidding?
First of all, you're gorgeous.

Second, I can tell you
have an adventurous spirit.

Really?

Alright well appreciate you
saving our lives, but yeah,

Tam, we should probably
get going.

Oh, come on guys,
you "Just" got shrunk.

Let's do something wild.

Actually, yeah we're good.
Heh, pfft.

Well hold on Mark,
we're shrunk,

might as well try something fun.

So, what do you have in mind?

It's called "Nutting."
You just hop on your shell,

and go with the flow.

Oooo. That sounds fun.

Alright, I know you don't like

when I say stuff like this,
but this woman is crazy, okay.

She's a crazy person.

Oh please. You've been telling
me to loosen up all night.

Well, here I go.

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo! Whoa!

Ah! God!

Oh God!
Oof!

I can't breathe.

Agh!
Damnit.

Oh, this is funny to you?
Coulda frickin' died.

Oh relax, hun.
Live a little.

Oh, I have to admit,
this is beautiful.

You really do see things
differently down here.

Right? The world isn't smaller,
it's bigger, man.

It puts everything in
perspective and

makes you live in the moment.

I never live in the moment.

I'm always too busy worrying
about the next one.

Well, before you know it,
the moments run out.

Ugh. So true. I've spent
the last 14 years so

worried about my kid, I forgot
to do anything for myself.

Feels good to just let loose.

What hell's wrong with you?
She put frickin' Ayahuasca

in these soybeans, okay?
You got a son at home right now.

Parents deserve to have
a little fun too, Mark.

How is this "Fun?"
Okay, we're at the

bottom of a frickin'
food chain here.

I almost got my head ripped
off by a frickin' ant.

Hey! You guys wanna
ride a butterfly?

I mean, when in Tiny Rome...
Mark?

I think I've had enough
shrunken antics for one day.

I'm gonna head back and grab
more of that sticky dirt.

You coming?

Yeah. I'll catch up
to you later.

You know what? Okay then.
Have fun riding butterflies.

I'm gonna go get back to
your son,

probably jumpin' off the
roof and

taking shots of hand sanitizer.
Ah whoa!

Whoops. No big deal.

I thought it was a spider.
All good.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
This is an all-timer.

Might be better than Roanoke.

Roanoke?

The colony? 1600s.
Legendary pig prank, man.

Everyone went crazy and
k*lled each other.

Bro... I- if we get caught,
my mom is never gonna

let me be home alone again.

Relax. As long as we keep
our mouths shut, it's all good.

[knock, knock]
Dude!

Just be cool.

Oh hey, Dar. Uh, Mark around?

He's out with my mom.

Oh, uh,
what's with all the cops?

Did, uh, Mark try to do his
own taxes again or something?

Uh... Hey Uncle Hank, can...
can I tell you something?

It's kind of a secret though.

Uh, okay.

Uh, okay.
So all these cops and stuff.

It was us.

We pranked David, and it
kinda escalated and

I'm not sure what to do.

Why don't you just uh,
tell him it was a prank?

Do. Not.

Number one rule of pranks:
Never confess.

I just... I-- Ah, feel
kinda bad, JD.

Well, are you gonna feel
bad for me

when I'm grounded for
a hundred years?

You can't play Farm Crossing
in Gitmo, Dar.

Stupid Flower Show.

[vibration]
Whoa. What the hell?

[vibration]
No frickin' way.

Oh, boy.

[grunting]

Come on, come on,
come on, come... Dah.

Dammit.

Argh!

Hell yeah!

Hey Mark. Um, I, uh, got a
little situation here and uh...

kinda need your help.

Unreal, right?

Oh, yeah!
Woo!

Hey Mark. Um, I, uh, got a
little situation here and uh...

Darren?

You good, T?

Oh my God!
I gotta get back!

How do we land this thing!?

We don't!

You just let go... and
trust the butterfly to

take us wherever the
wind carries it.

Uh-uh. That doesn't
work for me right now.

Hey! Butterfly!
Down, girl, down!

Whoa, careful, Tammy.
They startle easily.

Oohh!
Whoa!

Oh my God!

You got any pro tips for
escaping a Venus flytrap?

Nope. This is a first.

I think we just gotta go with
the flow, you know.

Well right now, the flow is
about to dissolve us in acid,

and I've got a little boy
at home who needs me!

What? Isn't he, like... 12?

He's 14. And it doesn't matter
how old you are--

everyone needs their
mom sometimes.

Not me. My mom's in
jail for Medicare fraud.

Okay, well, most people.

Help!
Somebody help!

Mark!

Tam! Tam! Yo, Darren's got
himself in a situation, alright.

We gotta get out of here, okay.
We gotta get big again!

Where are you?

Help! Where are you?
Anybody help us!

Tam!

Mark? Oh my God!
Help! We're in here!

Get the hell outta here,
you're in the frickin'

meat eating plant?
- Hurry, Mark!

I think it's starting
to digest us, ugh!

Alright, I'm coming,
I'm coming, alright?

Ah... Come on... Come on.
Okay crap uh...

Uh...

Hell yeah!

Mmm, who wants a yummy wing
with the meat on it?

[sniff, sniff]

Heard you guys need a wing man.

Sure you don't want
to stick around,

go petal parachuting?

No, I've gotta get back.

As fun as this was,
being a mom comes first.

You wanna come with us?

Nah. I'm all about
that shrunklife.

Okay. Well, take care, Kaia.

You too, Tammy. You too.

[splat]
Oh God!/Oh! Damn!

Uh... E-Excuse me, sir?

Don't worry, son. Nothing to
be concerned about.

I know.
There's no pig number 2.

I beg your pardon?

I-It was just a stupid prank.

I didn't realize it would
cause all... this.

We just thought it'd be funny
to mess with my neighbor.

What do you mean... we?

I mean... me.

It was just me.

Can you just call my mom and
let her know I'm in Gitmo?

You got guts, kid.

Come in here and
fessin' up--

I'll give you that.

But you don't strike me
as the pranking type.

You tell me who
puts you up to this

and we'll keep this between us.

Sir, we just got the
pigs' swine flu results...

[knock, knock, knock]

Oh u-uh... hey... officer?
To what do I owe the honor?

You handle any hogs tonight?

Me? Hogs?
Pfft!

No way man.
I- I'm actually kosher...

Uh yeah...
Shabbat Shalom!

Wait, you're Jewish?

Uh, yes I am, Hhhank.

Well your pal here just tested
positive for swine flu.

Hey, J.D.

Dar?! Y- you're gonna
be okay... right?

I hope so.

Meh, this particular strain
only has a 30% survival rate.

Oh God! Oh I'm so sorry, Dar.

This is all my fault.
Don't die on me.

It was just supposed
to be a stupid prank!

Heh. Gotcha.

Are you freaking kidding me?

Not cool, dude!
Not freakin' cool.

Alright, boys. Hope
you learned your lesson.

Yes sir.

Do this again, and I'll put
you both down.

Just like those two pigs.

Ha! Good one.

That should do it.

C'mon, we got 10 seconds,
lets go.

Uh-oh.

Hoo! Hell yeah, dude!
Grace, for the win!

Let's go!

Hell yeah, dude.
Back to 5-10.

You're 5-7, honey.

Tam, I'm 5-8 at least, okay

Uh...

Go! Go go go go.

Whoa there.

Whoa.

Oo h* h* h*.
It's on.

Pray to this, b*tch!

Darren! You okay?

Yeah, I just couldn't get
the internet to work,

but I- I figured it out.

Oh... Ohoho, come here, you.

Oh... He's fine.

Hey uh, listen...

I'm sorry for making you stay
out later than you wanted.

Ah, it's not your fault.
I needed the push.

Honestly, this turned out to be
a pretty frickin' awesome night.

Yeah it was uh...
it was something else.

Maybe next time, though,
we do something less crazy...

like bar-hopping and

Now we're talking...

What the hell?

Darren! Get your a*s down
here right now!

What?

Where the hell is pig 1?

And there better not be
a pig 3!