02x18 - Crowmaster

[bunniefuu]

Let me tell you,
Dar, a collection like

this doesn't come
together overnight.

It took me years of
strategic trades and

a keen eye for value
to put this thing together.

My entire youth is
right here in this binder,

and one day, I plan to
pass it down to you.

Thanks, but I have my own cards.

Yeah, but those aren't
collectibles, okay.

That's a kid's game.
They're basically just UNO cards

with the Japanese
monsters on 'em.

They got no lasting value.

Who cares?
They're fun.

Nah, I'll tell you what's fun.

Turning a card collection into
a vacation house.

Oh...kay... I'd say you're
looking at 40, maybe 50 bucks.

For the uh... that's
for the Wally Joyner?

Uh... no.
The whole collection.

Pfft.

That can't be right, dude.
These are vintage.

Vintage Junk Wax Era--

Late '80s, early '90s, they

overprinted the
hell out of these.

Unless you've got
big-name rookies,

rare errors, or PSA 10 inserts,

these are worth a big, fat NADA.

Alright you know what?
Forget it. Give me this.

I'll be back, pal.
With a collection

worth more than this
whole frickin' shop.

Let's go, Dar.

We've wasted enough
of this dork's time.

No way!
Firetail Scorpionyx!

Oh, sick!

I'll give you $150
for that right now.

Alright, you know what?
Screw the whole frickin' planet.

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI.

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

Oh man, this is fun, Mark.

Splittin' a box of cards.
It's like we're kids again.

Except the uh, packs cost
five times as much.

Oh my G-- Are you serious?
Another Mark Canha?

How many frickin' Mark Canha's
are in this set?

Hey, look. Mark!
I got an Aaron Judge!

Holy crap?!
Rookie card?!

I mean... yeah, it's not bad.

Rookie card's pretty valuable,
right?

Ah, it depends.

A lot of people don't
like rookie cards

because you know... they don't
got any stats, so...

- Oh. True.
- Tell ya what.

I'm feelin' generous...

You give me that Aaron
Judge and I'll give you...

Man... Shouldn't do this.
Should not do this.

But uh...
I'll give you this bad boy.

Baltimore Orioles sticker card

with the old school,
cartoon logo.

Ooooh. That's nice.

But Aaron Judge does hit a lot
of home runs.

Alright, I'll tell you what--

I'll throw in this uh,
checklist card, okay.

It's like 40 cards
in one right there.

Whoa...

Ah, dammit.
These frickin' guys again.

They've been here all week,
making a ruckus.

Hey yo! Would you stop yappin'?
We're doin' business over here!

C'mon, Mark.
Be nice. I like crows.

No, they're annoying.

So, we doin' this or what, okay?
It's a limited time offer.

Yeah, okay.

Ah, it's a good trade,
dude.

You're really sharpening your
instincts, lemme tell you.

Yo! What the hell?!
Hey! Drop it! Hey!

You think that's funny?!

Yo gimme that
frickin' card back!

Gah!

Oh, be careful, Mark.

I hear crows hold long grudges.

Yeah well so do I.

Yeah, that's right!

Frickin' sky rats.

Uh... hey Mark.

Oh come on! Dammit!

Ugh, stupid birds...ah.

Maybe just leave them alone.

No. It's been three days
of non-stop harassment.

Do you wanna
spend the rest of our

lives in a frickin'
Hitchcock movie?

So what, you're gonna sh**t
them with a water g*n?

That's the plan?

Uh, it's not just a "water g*n,"
Tam, okay?

This is the Rainreaper AR-9000
Tactical... Hydro r*fle.

Ah!

There we go.
Let's do this.

Hey, Mark!
I got some more cards!

Where's Mark?

Mark? What are you doing?

Shh, yo. Get down.

What's going on?

- w*r.
- Oh. With who?

Crows.

Oh.

Go time.

♪ [action] ♪

Hey scumbags!

Time for a bird bath!

Yeah, you like that?

Fall back, fall back!

Just a temporary setback.

This is a w*r of attrition,
okay. No backing down.

The hell is that?

Oh it's a snack.

Here you go, birdies.

Why are you feeding them, dude?
They're never gonna leave now!

Well good riddance, you
frickin' uh, winged degenerates.

C'mon Mark.
They're good birds.

They're just misunderstood.

And they're back.

This is exactly why you don't
negotiate with t*rrorists.

Wait a minute. It's got
something in its mouth.

I think it's a gift.

Oh, my God.

I stand corrected.

This is exactly why you
negotiate with t*rrorists.

And Darren playing
his second Scorpionyx,

knocks out Ji Hoon's Plagueworm
for damage +6.

Solid turn but, is
it too little too late?

What's Ji Hoon gonna do?

Summon... Phoenix...
Voltura... Gold Edition.

Ohhh.

Cast Double Rush and attack
with Hellhoof.

Oh!!!

Holy macaroni!

Ji Hoon with a knockout blow
on a D-Rush Hellhoof combo!

That's the eighth
win in a row for

Ji Hoon, who will be taking
home the "Black Obelisk!"

Wow!

Oh man that thing is sweet.

Bro, this kid's unbeatable, and

now he cops a Black Obelisk.
Rich get richer.

Dude, you got a solid deck.

Okay? Keep your head up.

That kid Charlie from
Willy Wonka wasn't

rich but all it took was one

sick pull and bam!
Golden Ticket.

Whoa. What's going on here?

Oh, I'm just educating myself on
these incredible animals.

Not enough people appreciate the
intricate intelligence of birds.

It's really astonishing.

Alright. Ken Griffey uh, Senior.

Alright, we're getting close.
Were getting closer.

Nice work, Cam.

[caw]

Wow. You're like a
regular Cinderella.

Oh yeah.
I'm a big crow guy now.

They actually got a pretty
complex language.

I've been learning it.
And I've been

training them to find
the valuable cards.

No frickin' way, yo.

That's a no joke
card right there.

Nice job, buddy!
There we go.

Ay. Whoa. C'mon dude.
Give it.

[caw caw caw]

What's he saying?

Says he wants more than food.
Hm.

He wants us to do them a favor?

Uhh... I don't know, Mark.
This seems a little sketchy.

Hank, it's just a
scarecrow, okay?

The farmer's not even gonna
know it's gone.

It just... seems like a little
much for a football card.

Hank... this isn't
about the cards.

It's about the crows.

Sure, we look at a
scarecrow and we think

it's just a weird straw
guy, but to them-- it's fear.

It's rejection.

How would you feel
if you walked into

a restaurant and
there was a ScareHank

standing at the host stand?

Uh... pretty weirded out.

Exactly.

But I got no doubt
that if you asked those

crows to destroy it for you,
they would in a heartbeat.

You know why?

Because they're
good birds, Hank.

They're good birds.

Yeah... okay.

Darren?

What are you doing?

Oh just... clearing
out that robin's nest.

Uhh... what?

Nice job there, Darren.
Here ya go.

Sick.
Thanks, Mark.

Hey, don't thank me.
Thank the crows.

Why are you dressed
like Alice Cooper?

Yeah, going for
more of a dark vibe.

Dr. Michael Chalupa
says it relaxes

them and helps them form a bond.

Barry Bonds, baby.

Small price to pay for ripping
out David's wind chimes.

Uh... What?

Yeah, apparently it,
uh, sound annoys him.

I dunno.

- Oh, speaking of which...
- What's this?

That, my friend,
is a Topps Mascot

Legend Phanatic
Game-Worn Fur Edition.

The boys want to say thanks for
y'know, handling the scarecrow.

Oh, okay.

Dude the cards they're
bringing me, unbelievable.

See, it's all about
"conditioning."

If they do something for me,
I reinforce the behavior.

It's animal psychology 101.

Yeah. Right.

Hey, Hank, you
mind, uh, running out

and grabbing some
more of the trail mix?

Uh... sure.

Awesome, bud, 'preciate it.

Oh, uh, get the, uh, premium
kind with the macadamia nuts.

The crows actually have pretty
refined palates.

Frickin' crows.
Gotta love 'em.

Caw, caw. Caw, caw.

Summon Glowdiver.

Deal 3 damage to all your
water 'Mons. Boom.

Not bad. Not bad.

I guess I'll have to just play
this little guy.

Black Obelisk.

Oh, no way!
You got a Black Obelisk?

That's insane!

Where'd you get that?

Uh, my stepdad got it for me
for doing... chores. Why?

- Mine was stolen.
- Stolen?

Yeah. I was playing
in my backyard and

some bird just snatched
it right out of my hand.

Oh... uh... that's weird.

Uh... Mark?

Yo yo, my crow bro.

I uh, didn't think you were
a jewelry guy.

Ah, you know, a
little gift from the boys.

That's, uh... not your name.

Eh, close enough.

Yeah. Uh, can I talk to you?
In private?

Uh, I mean, I'm not sure what
you can't say in front of the

most loyal, trustworthy birds
ever, but okay.

Sup?

I'm starting to think that
these uh... aren't good birds.

Aw come on, Hank.
You said it yourself.

They're just misunderstood.

What the hell, Mark?

Did the crows steal this card?

What?
What're you talking about?

Ji Hoon said that his Black
Obelisk was stolen by a bird.

Pfft! Yeah, no way, okay.
Must've been a uh, robin.

I dunno, Mark, uh...

where do you think they're
getting all these cards?

Uh. Landfills?
Dead people's houses?

I dunno. Listen,
they're still wild animals.

Just 'cause I'm training
them doesn't

mean I control
everything they do.

Well maybe you should uh, stop.

I mean... how many
cards do you need?

Hank, I took a lot of pride in
that card collection, okay.

Do you know how
insulting it is for some

nerd with a spreadsheet
to tell me that my

entire youth was
wasted collecting junk?

These crows, they're not just
bringing me cards--

they're helping me
take back what's mine.

I deserve these cards.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta
be at town hall in 20 minutes.

I'm pitching to town
council to classify

Blue Jays as an
invasive species.

Yeahhhh...

Uh yeah, hi is this the uh,
Princeton Ornithi-

.. Ornit-logical... D--
Bird Department?

Uh. Can I speak with a uh...
Dr. Michael Chalupa?

The aquarium?

Uh... excuse me?
Uh, sir?

For the last time, I'm not
diddling the rays.

I'm studying its cloaca.

Uh... eh, it's about crows?

I don't know
anything about crows.

But aren't you
Dr. Michael Chalupa?

I go by Fred Fries now.

Oh uh, sorry, er, Dr. Fries.

Uh... So, I kinda need your help
with some crows.

I study only coastal reef and
sandbar animals now.

Well, it's just, uh... y'know,
my brother, he uh,

I think he's going down a
bad path ever since he started

training crows to bring
him baseball cards.

He's not training those crows.

They're training him.

What?

In my past life, I was the
world's foremost crow expert.

I lived among them.
Wrote the book.

But even I didn't grasp how
diabolical they were.

They find your weakness.
For me, it was Lego.

- Legos?
- No!

The plural of Lego is Lego.

It started small.
A few random bricks.

Soon they were bringing me
all kinds of rare pieces.

Modulars and the like.

But then they wanted
more than cashews.

And I started doing things
that still haunt me--

They wanted me to destroy
my neighbor's fake owl.

Smash a raven's nest.

Burn a scarecrow.

Then one day, they invited me
to their roost.

Said I was to become
their "Crowmaster"

And they brought me the minifig
I most coveted:

Cloud City Boba Fett.

But in return, they asked me to
do something... unspeakable.

It was a bridge too far.

I refused.

And in return,
they took my eyes!

Now go!
I've already said too much.

Wait, but I...

Listen! Unless you want to
hear how a starfish's

an*s also functions
as its mouth...

I suggest you get out!

Mark!
Mark?

Hank?

Hey Tammy, have you seen Mark?

Yeah, he left a while ago.

I told him he needed
to get rid of those

crows so they stopped
pooping on the garage.

He had a tantrum
and stormed off.

- Where'd he go?
- I don't know.

Some new bar or something
called The Roost.

Oh no.

Uh, Dr. Chalupa--

I mean uh... Fred Fries?

I really need your help.

What did I tell you?

But uh-- My brother,
He's at The Roost.

Then it's already too late.

Oh man. Alright, well...

I brought you something just to,
uh, y'know, say thanks.

Cloud City Boba Fett...

Oh actually, it's just a
regular uh--

Alright. Let's go.

What?

[clicking]

What are you doing?

Echolocation.
I see with sound.

Oh. Gotcha, yeah.

Cause, y'know I'm uh,
happy to drive.

There's no time.

So, uh, why'd you
change your name?

Witness Crow-tection.

Witness Crow-tection?

After years of relentless
harassment, I lost everything.

I had nothing left
but vengeance.

But hate, it takes a toll.

One day I realized
I was no better

than the crows I so reviled.

Resolved to move on,
I became Fred Fries.

Oh, wow.

Whoa, whoa! Watch it!

Sorry.
Forgot I can't talk and drive.

♪ [eerie]

Caw caw.

A special gift, for
a special friend.

Oh, nice.

Is this like uh...
Baltimore Ravens

feather-cut limited
edition Lamar Jackson?

It's a feather.

Oh. Okay.

This feather is
our highest honor.

A symbol of our bond.

The Council of the
Marlton m*rder has

chosen you to become...
our human champion...

The Crow Master.

Caw, caw.
Caw, caw.

Oh nice.
Appreciate that.

It's a huge honor.

But first... you must pass a
final test of loyalty.

Okay that's uh... questionable.

This intruder was found
encroaching on our territory.

He k*lled three of our brothers.

You must take care of this...
monster.

Oh yeah no problem, dude.
Always wanted a pet eagle.

No. You must
sh**t it in the face.

Oh.

We're here.

Barnes & Noble?

Closest thing this town has to
an abandoned clock tower.

Ice Falcon attacks.

Four damage to your Mummy Snake.

Your move, Darren.
Just go ahead.

Play your Black
Obelisk and end it.

[sigh] Listen Ji Hoon, that card
might actually be yours.

- Here.
- Oh wow.

Thanks man.

Nah, you have it.

What?

Look. I appreciate
you being honest, but

the truth is, I already
have a ton of good cards.

You deserve it man.

Oh... um... thanks.

Well uh, I guess I play
Black Obelisk then.

Darren, dropping the hammer.

That deals six damage
across the board.

Or does it?

Noooo!

Ji Hoon counters
and reverses with the

ultra-rare White
Obelisk for the win!

I've never even seen that card
in real life!

Okay, I'm done.

Can I just sell this?

What's this?

A wire.
So I can translate for you.

Alright.
Going in.

Are you out of your mind?

No human can just
walk into the roost.

They'll eat you alive.

Oh.
Uh... so what's the plan?

Alright.
Now just act like you belong.

Oh, uh... hello.

Uh... Squawk, squawk, squawk?

Nice feathers.

Dammit, Hank!
You can't speak English! Caw!

Oh. Right.
Sorry.

Repeat after me.

And it's very important you say
exactly what I say.

Now remember, I'm an expert.

Copy. yeah.

Caw, caw.
Caw, caw, caw.

Caw, caw, caw.

I dunno, man.
This uh... it's kinda messed up.

Can I just drive it to Canada or
something?

Perhaps we can sweeten the deal.

Dude... No way.
You gotta be kidding me.

That's the uh--

Mark Jackson.

Menendez brothers courtside.

Signed by Eric and Lyle.

Cam...

Ah-ah-ah.
Not yet.

Business first.

Oh no.
I gotta do something.

We're too late.
Get out of there!

[sigh] Man...

Mark!
Don't do it!

You fool!
You're a dead man!

- Hank?
- They're manipulating you.

Come on, dude.
You see this card?

- I'm training them.
- No.

They're training you.

Don't listen to him.

We have what in
nature is referred

to as a
"symbiotic relationship."

We help each other
get what we want.

Mark, it's not just about value.

It's about the cost.

Is having expensive cards really

worth sh**ting an
eagle in the face?

The real value
of cards is the fun

times we spend together
building out collections.

Yeah...
I can't do this.

But I thought we were brothers.

Nah, I already got a brother.

And he doesn't make me k*ll
eagles for trading cards.

Shame.
Sheryl Crow--

... Peck his eyes out.

[bang!] I don't negotiate
with t*rrorists.

Uh... yeah, this isn't good.

Dammit!

Hi-ya! Hi-ya!

They're actually pretty weak!
Just keep punching them.

They've got hollow bones.

I don't know if I can hold them
off much longer, Mark.

Caw!

Ha ha ha ha.

Hello old friends.

Chalupa.

I come with a peace offering.

Ultra-premium
Kirkland Brand trail

mix with Goji
berries, raw peanuts,

and truffle-infused cashews.

Caw caw caw caw.

Argh!

Run!

Wait but what about--

Go!
Now!

Um Hank, let's go!

Go. C'mon. We gotta go.

Time for a little..
quid pro Crow.

No!

Fly eagles fly.

Go Birds.

I gotta say, uh...
Really nice of

Chalupa to die
for us and whatnot.

Solid dude.
Solid dude.

Yeah, and I really enjoyed his
posthumously published book.

Alright... so I gotta say, this
new box has some juicy pulls.

I'd say uh... sixty bucks.

Sixty bucks?!

Yeah, well... they're beaked.

Beaked?
Ah, dammit!

You uh... might not wanna
keep your

collection near your
pet parakeet.

Holy...
is that what I think it is?

The puzzle card?

Oh yeah, I think that's the
San Diego Chicken's uh, leg.

No!
This checklist!

Wait... what?

No. This is it.
W-wow. See?

Boston Red... Cox?

Bingo! I think they only printed
twelve of these things.

I'll give you $900 for
this right now.