01x08 - Matters of Diplomacy

[bunniefuu]

[Elena] Well, diary,

my mom had found a piece of my dad
that got her feeling...

I am glad to be here for all the things.

...a little preoccupied.

Here's the trophy you came here to win.

Bobby had just had a moment
with Liam that was...

still on his mind.

And even though I had let Sasha down...

Elena where are you?

...everything was gonna be okay because
the love of my life, Joey Feldstein,

said he'd see me at the dance.

I'll see you there.

He'll see me there. He'll see me there.

♪ I'm here for it ♪

♪ Facing fears and chasing dreams ♪

♪ Just winging it ♪

♪ And I'm staying true to me ♪

♪ Hello world
I wonder who I'll be ♪

♪ No matter what I do ♪

♪ It's all about my journey ♪

♪ Lo puedo lograr ♪

[Elena sighs] Diary, it almost seemed
like everything had led up to this moment.

The most seminal event of my life
was finally here.

My first middle school dance,

socializing with the same people
I see every day... but at night.

And Joey said he'd see me there.

This was an event
I was sure to tell my grandkids about.

Ow!

Bobby, can you help me
with this back piece?

Hmm. Let me seriously consider that.

No.

[scoffs] Fine.

Sasha's coming over to get ready,
and she'll help me.

I don't know why you care so much.
I never go to the dances.

They're so lame.

A middle school dance is a milestone,
Bobby.

Anything can happen at the dance.

- Anything.
- [scoffs] Okay, Elena.

[sighs]

Bobby, a school dance is
where everyone's real feelings come out.

Like, Joey will finally realize
that his true love

has been standing in front of him
the whole time.

Whatever.

You have toothpaste in your mustache.

In my what?

Yes, Mami. I read that article.

[Francisca]
And so you have to check your toilets.

Do you want Elena's pompie
getting bitten by an iguana?

They crawl through the pipes.

I'll check yours tonight when I come over.

Uh-uh. You don't have to check anything.

Will Sam be there?

You've been dating this gringo how long,
and he hasn't tried my picadillo?

Uh... no. It'll just be me.

I don't think Sam and I are ready
for that yet. That's a big step.

Ay, Americans.
You always have to be ready for the steps.

Do you know Tia Maria chaperoned
my first date with your papi?

[Sam] Doughnut worry, everyone.
I brought breakfast.

Uh, Mami, I gotta go. I really gotta go.

You can't bring up another topic.
I'm hanging up.

- [speaks Spanish]
- Quiero. Bye.

What size is your bust these days?

No.

Morning, Gab. I brought health circles.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm sorry. [chuckles]

Um... my mom got me all worked up.

I was just on the phone with her.
She got me all worked up over our, uh...

toilets. [laughs]

The elusive Francisca.
I can't wait to meet her.

Oh, jeez.

- You okay?
- Yes. I'm fine. Really.

You sure you're okay?
Did I do something wrong?

No. You're fine.

Really?

Yes.

Actually...

My mom is coming over tonight.

We're cooking. You should join us.

- I would love to.
- [chuckles]

What are we cooking? Arroz con pollo?

- Ropa vieja?
- Yikes. Wow.

Diary, this could not be happening.

Today of all days,

I couldn't have Joey Feldstein "see me
there" looking like Teddy Roosevelt.

Hello, old friend.

[sighs]

[gasps, squeals]

[squealing]

Well, that was horrendous.
I needed some backup.

- Hello?
- Sasha!

I have a mustache.

Did you know? Why didn't you tell me?
Does Joey know?

Can you be here earlier than five o'clock?
I need you now.

Uh.

Sash?

Sorry, Elena.
I... I have an orthodontist appointment.

Tell Dr. Patel this is an emergency.

You could always bleach it or something?
I gotta go.

Bleach it? Okay.
Oh, I think we have some Fabuloso.

Thanks, Sash. See you soon.

[sighs]

Ugh. You guys are so lucky
you missed school yesterday.

Yeah. We had another alligator drill.

Boom, Ziggy!
Your kelp grenade is mine now.

Hey. So, are we, like,
going to the dance tonight?

'Course you wanna go.
You have Monyca with a Y.

Oh, right.

Even if we went as a group,
the second the slow song comes on...

So depressing to be one of those guys

just staring at the chips
wishing the chips were a woman.

Yeah. I don't think I'm feeling it.

Well, what if we, like,
mess with the slow song or something?

You mean a prank?
That could be pretty funny.

Exactly! Hilarious.

We could hijack the DJ booth.

I could play the audio
from my bassoon recital.

That would k*ll.

Or maybe other people have ideas?

Elena,
I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't look like Albert Einstein.

Belinda! Yes, I do.

And Sasha said to bleach it,
so that's what we're doing.

I can't have Joey Feldstein
see me looking like this.

But this isn't bleach.
It's mostly lemon juice concentrate.

The lemon juice acts as a natural bleach.

I looked it up.

Is it supposed to burn?

I don't know.

[groans]

Okay, that's better.

What?

[gasps]

[whimpering]
Now I look like Vincent Van Gogh.

What?

[Elena] Diary, word to the wise:

don't make bleach at home.

I needed my Sasha.

You're really gonna go to the dance
with Elena?

I mean, she's still my best friend.

Maybe the three of us can hang out?
Just like old times.

N-to-the-ever. Never.

Now, do you want your shimmer
to be midnight gold or jolly rancher?

[Gabi]
Elena, you should have come to me first.

The Cañeros have a long history
of thick dark hair.

If you want to get rid of it,
that's an option.

Or you can keep it like Frida Kahlo.

Or Tia Rosa.

Exactly.

But if you wanna remove it,
you have to do it the right way.

That's why I've been coming to Mariana
for years.

Oh, forever.

Elena, you ready?

Lemon concentrate?

At least she didn't try Fabuloso.

[chuckles]

[hair dryer blowing]

[chattering]

Wrong.

You can't do that swoop
with your hair texture. It's offensive.

Oh, uh...
I-I was just waiting for my sister.

It's okay.
Ms. Sebolsky is late, per usual.

Uh... okay.

A lot of middle schoolers coming in today
to get ready for the big dance. You going?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going with some friends.
It's gonna be chill.

"Chill"? Please.

Dances are where it all goes down.

There's gotta be someone
you wanna look nice for.

Yeah. Maybe. Kinda. I don't know.
[chuckles]

Oh. That's Bruno.
Been married three years.

We met at our middle school dance.

- Really?
- No.

Fleet Week.

Now, do you mind if I give you a trim?

- Oh, uh...
- There's just a lot happening here.

- Um, um, okay [chuckles]
- Head down.

- [humming] Head down.
- Oh.

[screams, gasps]

Mami, you said it wouldn't hurt that bad.

I guess I'm just used to it.

- What is that?
- Don't worry.

That's totally normal. Just a slight burn.

You burned me?

Give it an hour and it should be gone.

"Hour"? "Should"?

It's normal. You just have sensitive skin.

Long as it's gone in time for the dance.

Sasha's appointment better be over.

[in Spanish]

[both laugh]

- You look amaze.
- [Sasha sighs]

Wow. I'm glowing
like Lucindissa's moon. [chuckles]

[sighs] I should probably go
to Elena's now.

You sure you don't wanna to stay?

- I have matching glitter hair clips.
- [chuckles] No. I should go.

It's our first dance.
I don't wanna abandon her.

Like how she abandoned you?

It was just one time.

Elena's gonna apologize for real.
She has to.

[phone buzzes]
Oh. She just left me a voice mail.

[Elena] Sasha where are you?

I need you to drop everything
and help me ASAP.

[Elena]
So, I was all set to go to the dance.

[sighs]

Even without Sasha.

Until...

What was that?

[gasps]

Oh, no.

[Francisca in Spanish]

[in Spanish]

You're fine.

I think one of those words was "forever."

I can't look like this forever!

I especially can't look like this tonight
at the dance. It's seminal.

No te preocupes. We'll try some makeup.

The burn must have settled
into a black line.

You know, on my wedding day,
I had a pimple on my nose.

You never told me that.

You always talk about
the beautiful views...

How Abuelo cried during his vows.

And Celia Cruz showed up,
which she did not.

- Ha, pero you weren't there.
- Mami.

And how everyone danced
at the malecón so late you said...

[all] Buenos dias to the fishermen.

[chuckles]

[breathes deeply]

[sighs]

I'm done.

We should still have some greasepaint

from when you were
Grizabella for Halloween.

Wait. Nene, why have you never told me
about your wedding pimple?

Because it didn't matter.
It was the happiest night of my life.

Exactly. Your wedding was seminal.

So compared to all of your other
amazing memories from that night,

the pimple was insignificant.

I am not going to let a black line
ruin my amazing memories.

Now, let's drive to school...

at night.

Mm. [inhales deeply]

- Are you sure you don't want me to...
- Mami, no. Mm-mm.

I'm gonna go.

[pop music playing]

- Okay. Bye.
- Yeah. Leave me alone.

Hey! What happened to your...

It got worse. I have sensitive skin.

But I am owning it
and ready to make some amazing memories.

Now, who wants a chilled Tropic Blast?

Oh, my God.
Is Ms. Gregory wearing a fedora?

Anything can happen at the dance.

Ziggy, you got the memory stick?

Check. Bedtime Beluga.

Eight hours of uninterrupted whale sounds.

Everyone will think it's a slow song,
and then they'll hear...

[imitates whale call]

Bobby, you all set?

Yeah. Gonna steal the DJ's laptop
and then hide out in the art room.

Liam, you'll come and be lookout, right?

Yeah. I got your back.

Okay. So it's a go on operation...

[all imitating whale call]

- Okay.
- [Ziggy clears throat] Sorry.

Let's break.
Meet back here at the first slow song.

- Okay. Let's go.
- All right. Yep.

Hey. Fresh cut, Bobby.

Oh...

Thanks, man.

Do you have a cutting board
for those onions?

Where are the good knives?
Are you gonna marry Sam?

Cupboard on the left,
drawer next to the sink,

and we're not going there tonight.

- Well, I was just...
- Pero nada.

We are just going to have a quiet,
relaxing evening,

the three of us, so that the two of you
can get to know each other.

- Okay? Oh. There he is now.
- [door opening]

Hi! I met your whole family.

Tia Maria, Tia Eugenia,
Cousin Tito, Luisito,

Tio Javier, Delia Mari, Julieta Mari,

Violeta Mari, Violeta's boyfriend, Curt.

We are definitely not going to Cuba.

- [laughs] I heard that's a touchy subject.
- [family laughs]

Now, let's get into some picadillo.

Whoo! [laughs]

- Oh, you must be Francisca.
- Si.

- Ah. [sighs]
- [laughing]

[Sam and Francisa sigh]

What?
Everyone wanted to meet the new gringo.

[pop music playing]

Hey. Have you seen Sasha?

No. But your lover boy's over there.

So, are you gonna ask him
to dance or what?

A slow song.

[exhales] It's now or never.

Go get 'em.

[slow music plays]

- Ready?
- Ready!

I've never been this excited
for a slow song.

Wait. Where's Liam?

[music continues]

[Latin music playing]

[chattering]

Checked all the toilets, no iguanas.

[whispering] Oh, thank God.

- But you never know.
- [speaks Spanish]

[Sam] Javier, you've been working out,
haven't you?

- Huh?
- [laughing]

Sam is making a very good
first impression.

Robert was a little quiet
when he met the family.

Pero, Robert was so sweet.

Remember when Eugenia
went into the hospital?

He was the first one to show up.

Basta, Mami,

it's bad enough that you took it
upon yourself to invite the whole family.

What makes you think
that I'm ready for any of this?

There goes the salt.

And they said,
"Your legs are like white ropes."

- [all laughing]
- You know? Unbelievable.

Sasha, can I talk to you?

Alone?

What's going on?
Why are you here with Jessica?

She invited me to get ready with her.

But you had an all-day
orthodontist appointment.

Wait, Dr. Patel doesn't work on Saturdays.

You lied to me. I needed you.

Yeah. What else is new?

What's that supposed to mean?

Elena, the poetry reading
was really important to me.

I had a seat saved for you and everything.

But you didn't even help me practice
like you said you would.

Yeah. But I was...

I'm always there for you.

The Hurricane Watch Captain,
the mascot petition,

that Halloween
that you made me be Macavity

so that you could be Grizabella.

Macavity's the Mystery Cat.

I finally had a thing,
and you weren't there.

But guess what? Jessica was.

Sasha, I told you I was sorry.

Your apology was all about you.

And then you, like,
immediately needed me again

to help with your crisis of the day.

Well, what about my crisises?

- It's "crises."
- Elena!

Sorry! But I didn't know what to do today,
and I needed my best friend.

So did I.

I just don't know if I can be
at your beck and call anymore.

Here, Sasha.

- You have a black line.
- I'm owning it!

[breathes deeply]

[Latin music continues]

[chattering continues]

Cousin Tito,
I'm surprised to see you here.

Elena told me you were doing hard time.

Ah. No, no. It was a three-month sentence
for speeding tickets.

And Gabi got me out in one.

She just plays up the whole prison thing
to scare the kids.

If they ask, I'm out on furlough.

[chuckles] Oh, that's Gabi.

- The supportive, neurotic love of my life.
- [Gabi gasps]

Oh, hey. Whoa!

- Picadillo down.
- [chuckles]

[chuckles]

I have to go clean this up.

[slow music continues]

Liam's still dancing with Jada?

I'm gonna go get him. It's time.

- We can do this without Liam.
- No, dude. It's a four-man job.

Hey, Bobby! There you are.

Um, this song is pretty slow.
Do you wanna...

Not now, Monyca.

Come on, dude. It's time. Let's go.

Yeah, I'm good, Bobby.

But it's the slow song.

And I'm slow dancing.

Seriously, man?
Danny and Ziggy are waiting.

Just do it without me.

Come on, dude. Let's go.

- What the hell, dude?
- We had a plan.

Who cares about the plan?

- Come on, bro.
- No.

Don't touch me.

- [Liam grunts]
- [crowd gasps]

[male student] Check it out.

- Man, don't touch me!
- [Bobby grunts]

[crowd exclaims]

- [Bobby] You're insane.
- Dude! Dude! Dude!

[Liam] Let go!

[crowd exclaiming continues]

[Ms. Gregory] Boys, break it up! Come on!

That wasn't me.

All right. Let's go, Bobby.
You're out of here.

I got this. You can go back out there.

Oh, if Bobby and Elena ask,
Tito's on furlough.

Gabi, everything okay?

Yeah.

I just need to change.

Can you give me a minute?

What's up?
You've been acting weird all day.

I'm really the love of your life?

Gabi, of course you are.

Well, that's great.

Obviously, that's great.

I'm the love of your life,
and you might not...

I don't know.

What are you saying?

I'm saying... I found the love of my life.

He met my family,
he fathered my children, and then he died.

And now I have to start this
all over again.

And I...

I just don't know if I can.

I love you...

but this is all moving way too fast.

Maybe we need to...

just slow it down.

Okay. I hear you.

We'll go slow.

Thank you. [chuckles]

[sighs]

I think that's what I need.

Whatever you need.

Gabi.

It feels like we've done this a lot.

What do you mean?

I don't know. I was patient

when you were keeping me a secret
from your kids.

And then you wanted to have me jump in
with your family, and I did. And...

I thought it was going great.

But apparently not?

Gab, I'm working real hard
to make you happy here.

But I'm in this relationship too, right?

Oh, of course you are.

I mean,
'cause it doesn't always feel that way.

It feels a little like
the goalposts keep moving.

Gabi, I've made it really clear
that I was all in.

Are you?

[whispers] I, um...

- I mean, we just...
- If we're not on the same page...

I don't think I can do this.

I...

I'm gonna go.

What happened to you?

Uh... Liam and I got in a fight.

You fought someone?

Did you punch him in the face?

Wait. Why did you fight Liam?

I don't know.

Why are you out here?

You bummed about your black line?

No. I'm owning it.

Now, the only thing I'll remember about
my first middle school dance

is that it was the night Sasha completely
and utterly betrayed me.

Yeah. Well... [sighs]

I don't think I'll have
super great memories of tonight either.

You need this more than I do.

Thanks.

Well...

you said it yourself.

What?

Anything can happen at the dance.

Ew, Bobby!

[chuckles] Oh, my God.