02x09 - The Mystery of Lance's Lesson

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, roomie.
You doing okay, son?

I just learned
that my life guru is a fraud.

Has that ever happened before?

- You mean
the pterodactyl lady?

Yeah.

Ow!
And my farts hurt.

- Well, that's no fun.

We'll get you on a healthy diet
tomorrow morning,

starting with my famous
eggnog waffles.

- Ooh, nice!

Hey, is John gonna think
it's weird

that I'm living
in his old bedroom?

- You mean
you haven't told him?

- No.

Uh... I haven't seen him
since last Monday.

Best of luck
with your new partner.

- Ready?
- Let's go, partner.

Hold me tighter!

Motorcycle!
- Ah!

♪ ♪

Uh, Lance?

Lance!

- Shut up.
I'm driving my motorcycle.

- Lance, pull over!

- Oh, no.
You gotta make a BM?

- What?
- It means take a dump.

- Yeah, yeah, no, thank you.
I know what it means.

- Get on!

We're gonna be late
to our first case.

- Oh, Lance, there is no case.
- What?

- I haven't had a case
in weeks.

See, I just need David
to see that I don't need him.

- But I wanna solve mysteries
and hurt people!

- Let me give you
some gas money.

- What?
- $5--$5?

- What?
I took a week off

Ruby Tuesday's for this?

- I didn't ask you to do
anything like--

- You owe me $900.

- Wow, you make that much
as, what, a busboy?

- f*ck that!
Brunch host!

Just try getting seated
near the salad bar

without showing Lance
the money.

- Okay, but I don't have $900.

- Then I guess you're working
for me this week, or else.

- Okay.
- Or else I beat you up.

- Yeah, I got it.
- Punching your body

with my fists!

Punch, punch, punch,
punch, punch.

- Oh, oh, oh, stop it.

♪ ♪

- I'm banned for life
at Doogley's Pet World,

so I need you to get me
cat food,

bat food, snake shampoo,
and 100 frozen mice.

- Wait, how are we gonna carry
all that on a motorcycle?

- Duh!

You're gonna buy me
a little red wagon.

- I-I hope
this little red wagon

makes your son
a little less angry.

- Oh, he is not my son.

- Wait, is that... Lance?

Get out of here, Lance!

You know you're banned
from my wagon kiosk!

- Motorcycle!

♪ ♪

- I need wood, nails,
and a hammer.

- Uh, okay, why?

I'm building
a ramp for my snake!

- Uh, okay.
- Hey!

Don't let Mr. Sutton know
you're buying for me,

or he'll ban you too.

I'll stay out of sight.

- Ugh.

Wood, nails, hammer.

Oh, I bet David would like
to know

about this sale
on cargo shorts,

But--ugh, no.
f*ck him.

Hey, Heather.
What's up?

Oh, really, are you sure?

Hang on. I got another call.

Hmm, unknown number.
Hello?

- What the f*ck are you doing
answering an unknown number?

- I--should I hang up?

- No, no!
I need to tell you something.

Hurry up!

♪ ♪

- So Heather said
my houseboat fire

was caused by a wiring problem.
- Who cares?

- Well, that means
Kaydee Festermeyer

didn't burn my houseboat down.

- Nobody cares!

- But it does mean
my insurance will pay out.

I can rebuild my boat!

- Do you have the money yet?

- Well, no.
- So you're still mine.

- No, Lance, I'm not getting
you into a strip club.

- Whoa, whoa!

Gentleman's club.

But that's not why we're here.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Get as much sh*t as you can,
and the good sh*t, too.

He won't sell to me.
He says I'm too young!

- Oh, God.
This is insane.

- It's called self-medication.

And, uh, you know,
get a few extra for yourself.

- Ugh.

- Are any
of these throwing stars

hypoallergenic?

I have a sensitivity to nickel.

Pretty dope, huh?

Ninja!

Ugh.

Lance, this is the fourth
strip club parking lot--

- Gentleman's club parking lot!

- Fourth we've been to today.

This is getting kind of bleak.

- Oh, stop your whining,

and Friday, I'll take you
somewhere nice.

Yah!

See? Nice.

"Nice" is not the word
that I would choose.

Ugh.

- It reminds me of my dad.
- Hmm.

- He was a gentleman.
- Oh.

- I think he used to work
the door.

Or maybe he was the DJ.
My mommy won't say.

- Is your dad deceased?

- How would I know?
Do I look like his doctor?

I mean, do you know
if your dad is deceased?

- Um, my dad is alive.

- Well, good for him!

- Um, my mom is deceased,
if that makes you feel better.

- A little.
Was she cool?

- Mm, yes.

- Did she DJ
at a gentleman's club?

- My mom used to bring me here
when I was young.

This is where I learned
to read comic books outdoors.

- Uh, I've been here before,
too, I think,

maybe with my dad.

Yeah, yeah,
I remember those swings.

Push me, now!
- What?

Can't you pump?
- You still owe me a day,

but I'm all out of shopping,

so you're my dad now.

- Uh, this doesn't seem
healthy.

- Dad for a day.

- Oh, my God.

- Don't make me make you
change my diaper, Daddy.

- Ugh.

- Higher!
Higher!

Whee!
Oh, I'm flying!

Watch me, Day Daddy!

- Lance, be careful!

- And then she threw me
in the hair pit

and told me to apologize,

but I said, "No way, Kaydee.
I'm right."

- A hair pit?
Aw, sick!

Your job is cooler
than I thought, Day Daddy.

- Oh, well, thank you.

-
Uh, something's wrong.
I feel weird.

- L--Lance, are you okay?
What do you mean?

- Like, usually, my brain
is really noisy

and I wanna punch something,

like, I don't know,
your dumb face,

but right now,
I feel quiet inside.

Yeah.
That's called contentment.

- f*ck!
I hate contentment!

- Oh, Lance, why?

- Because I'm supposed
to be angry!

That's who I am!

What if I wake up someday,
"content,"

and I'm not Lance anymore,

like that famous loser
who turned into a c*ck?

- "The Metamorphosis"?
Lance, that wasn't real.

- Then why'd they teach it
in school?

- Lance, it was a metaphor,

something that symbolizes
something else.

- A metaphor.
Whoa, they can do that?

- Lance, even if you stop
being angry,

you'll still be Lance.

You just won't be angry.

- You know what?
You're right.

- Well, I always am.

- You're also full of sh*t.

- What?
Excuse me?

- You were wrong
about that woman

burning your houseboat down.

Why can't you be wrong

about her stealing
that trophy, too?

- No, I'm not wrong, Lance.
I have a mind palace.

Perfect recall.

That's why
I always get it right.

That's who I am.

- Bullshit!

Why can't you take
your own advice?

Right?
Uh, what'd you say?

Even if you're wrong sometimes,
it's okay.

You'll still be John Hunchman.

But I hate that guy!

Being right is the only part
of me that I like.

- You know what this is?
- Of course.

Cambarus bartonii,
the common crayfish,

or crawfish,
if you're in Louisiana.

- Wrong again!
It's a metaphor for you.

You have this hard shell
around you,

but underneath,
you're soft and scared,

like this guy,

like me.

- But periodically,
a crayfish has to molt,

shed its shell
in order to grow.

Lance, I think I'm ready
to shed my shell--oh!

- Is that thing rabid?

Hello? Hello?

Are you having a coma?

- What is that?

Hmm.

♪ ♪

Why can't I let go?

Ah!

Ya
h!

I chased the raccoon off
with my throwing stars.

- I was wrong.

- Not before it ate
the metaphor, though.

Wait, what'd you say?

- I--I was wrong.

The raccoon proves it.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
Did a butterfly

just whisper something
somewhere?

Say it louder.

- Kaydee Festermeyer
is innocent.

I was wrong!
- Yes, yes!

Now we're getting somewhere.

Oh, okay.
It's 6:00.

You're off the clock.
You need a ride somewhere?

- No, I--I think I'm going
to walk around

for a while and think.

- Yeah, take this wagon.
I don't want it anymore.

I think it might be a metaphor,
and it's freaking me out.

- Okay.

I want my dad.

If I had known

it was gonna take
so long to grow up,

I would've started
a lot sooner.

That's not
how it works, David.

Growing up is like golf.

- Do you mean if I get good
at golf, I'll be a grown-up?

No.

Growing up is like golf
because there are no shortcuts.

You have to play every hole,

and if you miss a hole,
move on.

You hit one
into the water feature,

you let it go.

- Oh!
It's a metaphor.

- Actually, I think it might be
a simile.

- f*ck!

I'm the stupidest person
in the world!

- No, no, it's okay.
Forget about that.

Just leave
pterodactyl lady behind

in the water feature.

Tomorrow is a whole new,
well, hole.

- Huh.
Yeah, I like that.

Mr. H, how would you feel
about a whole new hug?

Mm!

May I ask

what in the living f*ck
is happening?

- Hey, bud!

I was just comforting
my roomie.

- My dad
is your cool new roommate?

- Oh, my God, dude,
he's the best.

- You wanna get in
on this hug?

Bring it in!

Ow!

- No, thank you.
I'm taking my little red wagon

and going downstairs.

Made in Georgia