Nikki Glaser: Good Girl (2026)

[bunniefuu]

Be a good, good, good girl

Good girl

Be a good, good, good girl

Good girl

Be a good, good, good girl

What's up, Saint Louis?!

Thank you so much.

This is such a special night.

Thank you for being here.

Before we begin, I just want you to know

that every single person in here

means so much money to me. I am...

I am cleaning up tonight.

No, this is--

This is such a special night

for you. I am...

No, it's so special to me.

I am so happy to be doing this

in St. Louis, Missouri,

my hometown.

Yep. I actually loved living

in St. Louis so much

because so much of my career is

having to just look perfect.

A-And I just feel like here, I don't...

...have to try, you know?

Whoo!

I can kind of give up, you know?

Like you. It's, um...

I don't get recognized a lot in St. Louis

'cause, uh, this is literally the best

I've ever looked in this town.

I don't usually look this way, so it--

I get excited when it happens.

It actually happened earlier today

at Starbucks.

This girl came up to me,

and she was like, "Are you..."

And I was like, "Yeah."

And she was like, "...aware there's

a Band-Aid in your hair?"

And I was like, "Oh yeah, sorry."

She was like, "Now it's on your Croc."

And so...

The St. Louis stiletto.

But I got gussied up for you tonight.

I got a spray tan for you guys.

Yes. Thank you.

It is the number one way to look

way hotter than you are.

You have to get a spray tan.

You look amazing.

You smell like a menstrual cup.

Now, that's kinda the downside

of the spray tan.

You smell like you've been free-bleeding

into an old boot, but...

...you look good, so it's worth it.

Get your spray tans now,

though, by the way.

I think they're gonna be taken

away from us pretty soon.

Because it is insane

that white people can just paint

their skin a different color,

and then be like, "I'm white."

You know, like, that's

cultural appropriation, I think.

I mean, it's, it's not Blackface,

but it is Guatemalan leg.

Like, it's...

This isn't my leg tone.

You gotta get one.

It's, um, it's really easy.

You just go to a salon,

you ask for the airbrush,

they send you into a back room,

you get totally naked,

and then a teenage girl comes in...

...to learn about the future of her body.

I mean, yeah, I volunteer.

It's helpful.

They have no idea what befalls them

'cause it all be fallin'.

I mean, it's...

Oh, God.

I swear to God, every time I turn around,

I hear a gasp because

I know what she's seeing.

She's seeing the folds of my a*s cheeks

just going down my leg.

You can tell how old

a woman is by the folds.

It's like the rings of a tree.

You count, and each fold is a decade.

And she's like, "Okay, she's 40. Huh."

And she sprays you down with this,

like, Agent Orange.

I mean, who even knows what this stuff is?

I'm breathing it in every week.

I'm definitely gonna get some kind of

lung disease from it. I'm sure of it.

There's gonna be some, like,

epidemic in 20 years

called like, Tan Lung.

And it's gonna be ravaging old, hot women.

And...

To be honest, I'm actually

really hoping for Tan Lung because, um,

I'm gonna need the gig.

They're gonna have a class action lawsuit.

And I would love to be

the face of Tan Lung,

'cause my career's going great now,

but it can't last this long.

I know eventually Hollywood

is gonna kick me out

'cause I'm gonna do something horrible,

like, age naturally.

Yeah, that's "Me Too" for women.

That's when they say,

"Time's up, b*tch." You know?

No, crow's feet for women,

are the same for men,

as, uh, decades of r*pe.

I think that's it.

That's where they go, "Get out!

You're a monster!"

So, I gotta take the gig.

That'll be a fun gig,

to be honest with you.

It'll be fun for you, too.

In 20 years, you turn on your TV,

you're like, "Who is that?"

And I'm like...

I'm Nikki Glaser.

You may remember me

from The Roast of Tom Brady.

Just talkin' through my trach.

You know, just...

Tan Lung is no laughing matter.

Like, just...

"Oh, my God! She's still alive?"

That's so fun. Maybe it's me and Snooki?

Like, maybe we can get Snooki

if she's still kicking.

Just us RFK-Jr-ing out.

"Ah!"

That's what he-- He has Tan Lung,

we can all agree.

He's stage two.

It corresponds to the color

he chose, I think.

But it's all toxic.

You know, being a woman

is a health hazard, it really is.

But if it works, it's worth it, you know?

Spray tans, they work.

Shapewear, that's another thing.

Deeply uncomfortable, but it works.

It just, like, sucks you in here

like a blood pressure cuff,

and it snatches your lower intestine

into your as*h*le.

So, those two get to meet

for the first time.

It gives you that hourglass shape

that men love.

They love when your body looks like

the timer in a game of Boggle.

They love that little hourglass.

That's why it's missing

from all your board games.

Yeah.

Go check under your teenage son's

mattress. That's what he's--

He's fondling it in his room.

That's why you hear him yelling "Yahtzee!"

in the middle of the night. That's it.

Your teenage son is cumming.

The shapewear is intense, 'cause it

sucks you in so hard up here,

but then it's connected

at the bottom, right?

It's like a thong.

And then throughout the night,

it kinda just like weasels its way up,

and just, like, bullying you up the front.

It's crazy.

Do you ever go to the bathroom

after wearing shapewear

and you just lift up your skirt and

it looks like you're cutting clay?

It's just, like, bisecting you up the...

It goes deep, dude.

Oh!

And there's no snaps on it,

so you just gotta pull it to the side.

It's soaked in piss.

Just sh**ting out

in 18 different directions.

One's a perfect arc, like Calvin.

It's horrible.

You gotta really hook it

up there and pull it down.

And your p*ssy's like,

And you snap it back up,

it's like,"Ooh, ah!"

I've got cauliflower cl*t.

I mean, it's beat up, dude.

It's horrible.

But it's worth it.

These things are worth it, you know?

'Cause they make you look hotter.

They make you look f*ck.

And when you look f*ck,

your life is great.

Like, everyone's nicer to you.

You get things.

Being f*ck, there's so many perks.

I think we misunderstand f*ck women.

Like, I think sometimes we see a woman

with big, fake, shiny t*ts,

and, like, Love Island lips.

And we're like, "Whoa,

she loves to get dicked down."

And it's like, no.

I think the worst part of a f*ck

woman's life is getting f*cked.

I think that's the worst three

to six minutes of her month

is when she has to be penetrated

in order to even ask for

the new Range Rover.

I mean, that's what she

has to do to get it.

No, being hot, it rules.

Being ugly? That f*cking sucks, dude.

We don't talk about that, right?

We don't talk about ugly people.

'Cause no one's ugly.

Come on.

Like, uh, there's some people,

they're ugly.

It's not a bad thing to say.

People go, "That's so mean."

I'm like, "Is it?"

It just means their face

isn't symmetrical, like it's--

I'm not saying they're a bad person.

It's not their fault.

I mean, it's their parents' fault

for being cousins or something,

but it's not their fault.

I'm sayin' I have sympathy

for ugly people.

I see you.

And I don't want to,

but I see you.

Ugly people are discriminated against.

We don't talk about this, but there have

been scientists that have done a study.

These ugly scientists got together

and they were like,

"Are we getting paid less?"

And it, it turns out that they are.

What they found is ugly people

make 62 cents on the dollar

that attractive people make.

So, what they found is, um,

if you're gross, you don't gross.

And...

...it's sad because ugly people

can't unionize.

There's-- Nothing will change.

What, are they gonna march with signs?

That are like, "We're revolting!"

We're like, "We know."

You know, the thing is, like,

we're all a little bit ugly.

Like, I feel ugly sometimes.

And people go, "No, you're not allowed

to say that, you're beautiful."

And listen, I'm not a dog, but, like,

I have proof I'm a

goofy-looking girl, okay?

I did a roast one time on Comedy Central,

and Blake Griffin got up there

and he made a joke

where he said that

I looked like Larry Bird.

And...

...it wouldn't have hurt unless

I heard the crowd's reaction,

which was as if it was the truest

thing they had ever heard.

I mean...

...it blew the roof off the place.

It, it came in waves as people were

googling it and being like,

"Oh, my God!" Like, it wouldn't stop.

Devastating.

Larry Bird.

If you-- If you don't know

who Larry Bird is,

just picture "Larry Bird," okay?

He looks exactly like his name.

I think his middle name is "the".

I mean, no one has ever looked

so much like their name

since Peter Dinklage. I mean, it's insane.

I was devastated.

I have a hard time having

sympathy for hot women.

I, uh, I get jealous of hot women a lot.

It's probably like the most

disgusting part about me...

...besides my p*ssy, but that's--

We'll get into that later.

That's a little, uh, foreshadowing

'cause...

'Cause it casts a shadow now.

But it's, um...

Ugh.

Get ready.

Yeah, I don't know. Hot girls, do you

ever feel that way about 'em?

Where you're just like,

"Eh, eh." Like...

Like, the worst it ever comes

out in me, is like,

you know, like, you hear about a woman

that went missing,

and then you're like, "Oh, my God."

And then you see a picture of her

and you're like,

"Bye." Like...

"Ta-ta, honey."

"I'm not looking for you.

I'm not joining the search party."

I'm tearing down posters like

a Columbia student.

Like, I don't want you found.

I just moved up in line, 'cause you're

laying in a creek bed somewhere.

So, I'm sorry about that, but it's...

...sick.

But I do wonder sometimes,

'cause of my thoughts,

I'm like, "Am I a sociopath?"

And then ChatGPT is like,

"No, queen, you're perfect."

And I'm like, "I knew it.

"Thanks, ChatGPT.

You're my best friend."

But I'm still working on it, dude.

Like, I'm gonna get a facelift

in a couple years.

- Whoo!

- And-- Thank you for cheering that on.

Most people are like,

"Don't! Don't do it."

Thank you.

I'm-- I don't know whether to be

insulted by you cheering it on or not,

but I appreciate that.

What I don't want when I get a facelift

is anyone being like,

"That's so sad she did that.

Why did she do that?"

And it-- the answer is,

it's 'cause it's gonna lead

to a better life for me.

I'm on TV a lot.

I'm gonna look amazing.

I'm gonna get better roles.

I'm gonna get paid more for those roles.

I'm gonna get fire emojis

from Kristin Cavallari.

Like, it-- Mm!

Do you know how good it feels

to have Bowen Yang write "Diva,"

with 19 A's underneath a picture of you?

Looks like he just fell asleep

on the keyboard,

'cause I was so slay.

Oh, my God.

And so, I'm gonna get a facelift,

and I just, I don't like how we shame

women who invest in their looks.

You know, we find out a girl

get a facelift and we're like,

"That's really sad. "That's really sad

that you just can't accept the face

you were born with."

And first of all, this isn't

the face I was born with. Okay?

I was born with a baby's head.

I don't have a baby's head

on a woman's body.

A reverse Ariana.

I don't have that, you know?

I can improve it.

You know? And, and, and it's not sad.

It's so sad

you can't accept the face you have.

And it's like, why is that sad?

But then when women spend, you know,

hundreds of thousands of dollars

on, like, a sociology degree,

no one's like,

"That's really sad

"you can't accept your dumb brain

for what it is.

"Why do you have to change it?

"That's a really bad example for your

daughter and her dumb brain.

How is she supposed to feel...

about that?"

But it's gonna look good.

My facelift is gonna be so good.

I'm gonna spend the right amount of money.

I'm gonna go to the right doctor.

Whoever Kris Jenner went to,

I'm gonna find him.

We know.

You go to the right guy, and it's amazing.

Face work is so good now,

'cause people are like,

"What if they ruin your face?"

I'm like, "It doesn't happen anymore."

You know, shout out to the ladies

of the '80s and '90s

who underwent cosmetic procedures

and sacrificed your faces

so that we could have...

...amazing, snatched jawlines.

Thank you so much

for your service. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

When I see a woman with just like

a very obvious--

Like, she just walked into

a haunted house kind of face, like...

I'm like, "Thank you honey.

"I feel like you should board planes

before veterans.

"Like, I truly...

"You sacrificed so much.

"Your face looked like

it stepped on an IED.

"Like, it's...

You're the real wounded warriors."

There are certain things I think

that we do for beauty

that I'm, like, kind of giving up on

because I'm not getting

the return on them.

I think nails are a waste

of our time and energy.

I have a boyfriend of 15 years.

He's never once noticed that

I've gotten my nails done, ever.

And they go up his as*h*le.

So if he's not clocking it, who cares?

Whoo!

I'm like, "Babe, I got 'em bedazzled

for your pleasure.

"Like, there's rhinestones on it.

Is that not...?

No?"

But I'm sick of getting my nails done.

You have to just sit there

every two weeks for two hours.

You can't be on your phone.

You can't do anything.

This is why we make less money

than men, I think.

It's like these crucial hours during

the day when you could be working.

Those hours?

Men are on their phones,

they're doing deals,

cheating on you. You're just...

...looking around the salon,

like, bored out of your mind.

The best entertainment they have

is Beat Bobby Flay on mute.

You're like...

..."Is that ricotta or Greek yogurt?

Oh, I'll never know."

It's not fun.

I think men think that women like

to go to nail salons, like, together,

and it's like a girls' day, and we just

chit-chat the whole time.

It's not like that.

Like, you can go to the nail salon

with a friend,

but you get separated

at the border, immediately.

They do not let you sit together.

They put you in the manicure station,

her in the pedicure station.

You're just like, blinking Morse code

at each other,

like, "Are you okay?"

You look over at her.

She's doing the worm in the massage chair.

Trying to talk herself out

of an $80 upcharge

to remove her calluses that

she needs to walk, like...

It's not fun.

God, it's so isolating.

So boring. You can't talk

to the woman doing your nails,

'cause... sl*very.

I mean, I don't know. I don't know!

She seems sad and stuck.

Is it just me?

I look at her name tag. I'm like,

"Her name's not Rebecca O'Malley."

Like, this...

"Something's being covered up here."

And then at the end, you go to Venmo them

and you see their real name,

it looks like a license plate.

And you're like, "Okay, well, this is,

this is the truth."

I don't know that they're sl*ves.

This is just...

This is all based on this article I read

in The New York Times,

like ten years ago,

about New York City nail salons.

And I was living in New York at the time.

So, I was like, "What's going on?"

And it turns out they're, like,

all indentured servants.

These women have miserable lives.

It was really heartbreaking. It was--

It was the kind of thing you

read where you're like,

"Well, I can't support that anymore."

And I was really proud of myself,

'cause I, immediately,

I stopped going

for two weeks, 'cause that's when

my gels started peeling

and I was like, "What do I do?"

And then you go back. But-- But you--

If you wait two weeks, that's fine.

That's long enough.

You wait two weeks and then

you can convince yourself,

like... "They fixed it."

Like, someone got in there,

shook things up.

Things are good.

And now, I go back in,

I'm just a little bit nicer.

You know, I walk in kind of like,

"Hi, sl*ves."

Like, I don't say it, but I like...

...try to communicate it by

furrowing my brow like, "sl*ves."

Then you sit down,

and you have to just stick your hands

in little different bowls of cancer.

I mean, this is so toxic.

This is a solvent meant

to dissolve plastic,

and you're just resting

your fingers in it.

How can this be good?

I don't even know what it is.

I try to read the label.

There's just like a picture of a

baby's head with an X through it,

and I'm like...

"I guess babies shouldn't drink it?

"That's probably what that means.

"I need a new form of birth control

anyway, so this is good.

This is really, really good."

And you just wait there. Sometimes

they make you soak for so long,

'cause they go and they work

on another client,

or they give a handjob in the back,

you know, just their sidework

they're getting done.

And you're like, "Okay, I think I'm good

'cause it's like starting to hit bone."

And so, you're like...

"I'm just gonna scoop

my soggy phalanges out."

And that's always when they see you.

Don't ever do anything

for yourself in a nail salon.

You wait to be told.

'Cause the second you do,

they go, "No, no, no, back in!"

And they slap your hand.

And I'm like, "Oh, my God, so sorry."

Instantly back in.

You're the sl*ve now.

Like, just take it.

It's like, "So sorry."

She takes out that Dremel drill

to get the plastic off.

She goes hard on that.

Just locked-eyed with you.

There's like shrapnel hitting you

in the face and like...

...just a microplastic dust cloud

that you're just breathing in.

You, like, see it going in.

Ugh!

It's horrible for you.

She's not breathing it in,

'cause they wear masks, right?

That's why they wear masks.

I didn't realize that.

I just figured out recently

that they wear masks in nail salons

because it's like toxic chemicals.

I don't know what I thought was going on

with the masks before then.

Like...

...I think my white brain

was just like, "Asian.

"Like, they love masks.

"That's their heritage.

It's their culture.

"You know, she was a surgeon

in the village she came from before...

"...before she was zip-tied in a shipping

container and landed on our shores.

So, it reminds her of home. It's sweet."

No. It's toxic.

So, um, I think I'm obsessed with this

because it's just been

brought to my attention

that there are women, like,

in the States being trafficked.

Because every time you go into a

women's restroom in a public place,

there is a poster on the back of the stall

asking you if you're being trafficked.

We have these, right, ladies?

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yes. They're in every world language.

Um, I always look for English,

and it just is very small at the bottom.

And it says, "You wish," but...

...it's, it's not really for us.

But, men don't have these

posters in their stalls.

That's what I've learned.

I guess you guys have

posters that are like,

"Hey, need a sl*ve?

Text 'traffic' to 69-69."

Is that what you have?

No.

No, you have signs for more pressing

issues in your bathrooms.

Like, washing your hands.

You know, as soon as we--

As soon as we beat that,

we'll get to the sl*ves.

It's just...

But being, uh-- Being, like, trafficked

is a real fear for young girls now.

I-I have a lot of Gen Z friends

who are like,

"I'm scared to go out alone.

Like, what if I get trafficked?"

And I'm like, "Wow,

that was not a fear for me in my 20s."

I'm 41, and when I was in my 20s,

we just feared, like,

good old-fashioned r*pe,

you know, like, we didn't...

I didn't think it would be a career.

You know, I didn't think...

I just thought it was a temp position

in that parking garage.

I didn't think it would last forever.

But they're really scared.

It's rubbed off on me.

Sometimes when I'm with them, I'm like,

"Yeah, I'm scared we're

gonna get trafficked."

And they're like, "You're fine.

"Like...

...you've aged out of getting trafficked."

You just try to do your part.

You know, do your best.

There's so many things in the world

that need your attention,

but do what you can.

I'm, uh, I'm vegan, so I know

I'm better than you.

And, um...

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I became vegan like, ten years ago,

'cause I saw factory farm footage,

and I was just so disturbed by what I saw

that I, I just couldn't eat

animals after that.

And it doesn't work for everything,

'cause I'm now trying

to take a break from porn

because it's gotten too dark.

I mean, the porn I watch looks like

factory farm footage,

and so...

...it's weird that I can't stop

watching it. It's--

Why is it that when I see it

happen to animals, I cry,

but when I see it happen to women,

I c*m harder

than I ever have in my life?

I can't--

These are not cage-free wh*res.

They're literally caged, sometimes. It's--

I watch a lot of porn.

I-I mean, I probably watch as much as

the average 41-year-old plumber.

I think that's probably...

But that's what happens with porn.

It's a drug. You get desensitized

to the thing you're watching,

and you need something weirder,

something just crazier to get you off.

You know, 'cause it'll start off sweet.

Like, I'm like, "Oh, girl on girl."

And then it's like, "Oh, you know what?

This isn't really hitting.

"Like, maybe I need, like,

a stepmom stuck in a dryer.

"You know, like...

"...that's my new thing.

That's good. That's where it'll stop.

That's all I need."

And then after a while,

that's f*cking nothing.

You're just like, "Nothing?

I need something else?"

And then it ends up you need to watch

like a MILF getting fisted

in a Target bathroom on, like,

a Koala changing table.

That's where I'm at.

You know the Koala changing table?

Men have those in their bathrooms, right?

'Cause that-- You need them in case

a MILF needs to get fisted.

Is that what-- That's what they're for

in a men's room, right?

That's where I'm at.

I like fisting porn now.

I just-- I can't believe it either.

It's disgusting.

I never thought I'd be here.

I, I, I remember the first time fisting

was even suggested to me by porn.

'Cause porn will, like,

monitor your habits,

and they're like, "Hey, you know,

"based on all the gangbangs

you've been watching,

"um...

"...we don't have any more.

So, maybe a fisting compilation."

I was like, "What the f*ck?"

I was offended, I was like,

"Get this off my screen. Gross!"

And they were like,

"We'll see you in a month."

And they were right.

I love it.

I'm in my fisting era. I love it.

'Cause I like seeing women

doing feats of athleticism

that are just out of this world,

and fisting is insane.

To have a whole man's

fist and arm go in your p*ssy,

that's incredible.

I'm, like, blown away at these women,

'cause it seems impossible.

That's what I like about it.

It seems impossible,

but you know it's not.

A-- A baby's head is supposed

to come out of there, so it can fit.

But, like, how?

It's kinda like...

You know what it's like?

It's like, um, when you try

to put a sleeping bag

back into the bag it came in.

Like, that's...

Where you're like,

"We know it was there once.

It has to go. But how?"

That's what I like.

I love it.

And I love-- I love the dynamic

between the fister and the fist-ee.

Like, I like...

I like when the guy is, like,

kind of gruff and mean.

He's like, "Take it, you f*cking wh*re."

Like, I like when he's like, mean.

There's something about that.

I want that guy to be so mean.

But he, like, believes in her.

Like, I love that.

It's sweet.

I love that, like, Russian gymnastics

coach energy, you know, like,

"You can do it, Carrie!"

And like...

...I like that.

And then the best part is

when he does get it in,

and then he gets it in,

and then he goes, "Good girl."

And that's like, "Oh! Yahtzee!"

Like, that...

Close the laptop. I'm good to go.

Like, "Good girl," every girl loves it.

Every girl is horny

to be told, "Good girl."

And it's-- I rarely generalize,

but I have yet to meet a woman

or a g*y man-- bottom--

who doesn't love to be called,

"Good girl."

We all love it.

Please say it.

I'm telling you, we all like it.

And I know that there are men that are

scared to say it, because you're like,

"It sounds like I'm her dad,"

but it's like,

exactly.

Okay, just do it.

Be my dad, you know?

It is it.

We want to be good girls.

And it frees us of the shame that

sex brings upon us, you know?

We live in a really puritanical

Christian society,

and we absorb all the shame of, like,

"Oh, if I enjoy sex,

"if I like cumming, there's something

wrong with me.

"I'm a bad girl and I might not

get into heaven.

Jesus might be mad 'cause I'm a wh*re."

Right?

We kind of feel sad about it.

But not if a guy says, "Good girl,"

after you do something whorish.

Frees you of it.

'Cause after he says, "Good girl,"

you're like, "I'm not a wh*re.

"I'm just an A student.

You know? That was just the assignment."

You're like, I could roll up on the pearly

gates with a pearly face and be like,

"Listen, I didn't want this.

You think I like this?

"You think I like this?

"No, I was heeding the man.

"Jebediah anointed me with his seed.

"I had nothing to do with this.

"He did it in a cross.

You've heard of Ash Wednesday?

"Well, he told me it was Splooge Tuesday.

"Is that not a thing?

"Have I been tricked?

Okay, which way is Hell? Okay."

Hmm.

c*m on the face is kinda crazy. I mean...

...let's talk about it for a second.

I've--

I've done it like a handful of times

this week, but it's not--

It's not an everyday thing.

I think it's a nice thing to, to offer

a guy that you really love.

I'm talking about like your husband.

Someone you really love.

He's seen it, girls. He's jerked off

to women getting c*m on their face.

And I know it was before he met you

tonight to come to the show.

But, it's...

...it's in his past. He's seen it.

But he wouldn't dream of asking you

to c*m on your face.

You know, you have to ask.

You have to be like, "c*m on my face."

And he'll be like, "What?"

"Matthew Templeton-Green, c*m on my face."

You gotta get mommy about it.

They like that, too.

And this is something he's

only seen on a screen.

So, when he gets to do it,

he's gonna be like,

"The movies are real!"

"Whoa!" Like, the wonder.

It's like he's going to Universal Studios

for the first time.

He's like, "Whoa!"

You can give a Make-A-Wish

to a middle-aged man.

How cool is that?

But you-- But you, you have to ask

'cause he's not gonna ask.

He wants it. But your sweet husband?

He's not gonna ask.

He's not gonna be like,

"I'm gonna c*m on your f*ck' face."

Like, that's...

You didn't marry a Persian club promoter.

Like, you're not...

Your husband isn't Dean Cain.

So, he's not gonna ask.

Your sweet husband who has

to ask your permission

to eat a second cupcake,

isn't gonna be like,

"Part your bangs, Bridget!"

Like...

Like, no, he's a nice guy.

You gotta ask.

Ladies, can you imagine in bed

if your husband asked you

if you wanted something that you

would have always wanted,

but, like, were too afraid to ask?

It would be like the same thing

as if your husband was like,

"Hey, tonight, do you want me

to go downstairs

"and do the dishes

while this Black guy

comes in to f*ck you?"

You'd be like...

"The movies are real!"

Same thing.

And listen, I know-- I know

c*m in the face is a little degrading,

but it's a gift you can give that's free.

All it costs is a little dignity.

And it's like, who cares?

It-- It's-- It's kind of fun.

It looks like you just won

a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award.

That, that's like...

...kind of like,

"You got slimed, who cares?"

It's fun.

Just don't get it in your eye.

That's the only thing

that I would recommend.

Don't get it in your eye.

I got it in my eye one time.

I, I didn't mean to, but he did, and--

And so...

...it got in my eye, and I,

I wasn't worried at first,

'cause I was like, you know, it's not

gonna be soothing by any means,

but I thought, "Oh, it'll sting

like shampoo or something,"

but it stung like Sriracha.

Like, I don't know what the

Scoville rating on semen is,

but we gotta get this stuff on Hot Ones.

I mean, it was acidic.

It was searing my eyehole.

I was screaming. I was like...

Like, it felt like an acid attack.

I was like, "Am I a woman in Sudan

with an opinion?

"Like, what the f*ck?

I promise I won't drive!"

I was like, writhing in agony.

I'm like, "Does it burn coming out?"

Is that-- Is that why you guys

sound like that when you're like...

Like, is it--

Is it searing your d*ck hole?

What's happening? 'Cause...

...that honestly would make sense

why you look and sound like that.

It was horrible.

I was freaking out.

I, um, and I knew it was infecting, like,

I felt an eye infection come on.

I've had a lot of eye infections.

I've-- I've had pink eye a lot

'cause I love Skee-Ball.

And so I was like, "I know what this is.

I gotta get the drops, you know?"

'Cause I had to be on TV

the next day and I was like,

"I can't do The View with c*m in my eye.

Who am I, Joy Behar?" You know?

So, I had to go to urgent care,

and I, I, I drive over there

and I'm, like, so nervous

to tell the doctor,

like what happened.

But I gotta tell him the truth.

So, I'm trying to dress it up

in, like, doctor talk.

And so, I'm like,

"Um, so, during coitus, my...

"...paramour, um,

"accidentally ejaculated seminal fluid

into my ocular c*m hole.

"I mean...

...I mean my eye."

I could have said "eye."

He didn't care.

Doctors don't care. They've heard it all.

He was immediately, like,

just jotting down my prescription.

And he diagnosed me as a "good girl."

And I was like, "What?"

"What'd you say?

Really?"

I was like, "You can get

the other eye if you want.

"I got the drops. We might as well.

I can treat it."

Oh, guys, I'm 41.

I don't have kids.

Yeah.

I'm 41. No kids.

Uh, I don't want kids.

Um, being a mom, I look at it

and I'm like,

"Oh, that is so much work."

And that's why I would be a dad,

like tonight.

Like, I...

I don't...

Be a dad.

Absolutely, be a dad.

First of all, if you're a dad, and--

and let's say you don't like it,

you can leave.

Like, you can just be like,

"This isn't for me, I'm not ready."

And you can split.

We don't love it, you know?

But it's precedented. It's not insane.

You know, the deadbeat dad, that's--

That's an American archetype.

You know, the deadbeat dad?

I think it's the Florida State bird.

I think he's getting it changed.

Has it happened yet?

Moms can't leave. You know?

It's a full-time job to be a mom.

And, and to be a dad, it's like a paid

internship at your uncle's company.

I mean, it's just...

It's not-- It's not nothing to be a dad,

but it's close. I mean, it's so close...

...to nothing.

It is. I'm not mad about it.

I'm just jealous.

I just want to be a dad.

'Cause if you do stick around

and you're a good dad,

we, like, lose our minds

at anything you do.

Because the bar is so low.

You get so much credit.

There's, like, a whole TikTok

subgenre of dads

doing their daughters' hair

for the first time,

'cause their wife is hanging herself

in the basement or something.

You know, like it's...

She finally found a way out.

But...

...we love these videos, right?

Of dads like, just being like,

"I don't know what I'm doing."

And he's like using a vacuum cleaner

to suck up her ponytail,

and like, a bread tie to tie it off.

He's like putting a chip clip on top.

Like, "Is this good?"

We're like, "No, it looks like sh*t,

but we love it."

We're like, "It's so funny! Hehe!"

Like. Like. Like. Like. Like.

Share. Share. Share.

It has millions of views.

It goes viral.

The guy's on Good Morning America

the next Monday to talk about it.

They're like, "Today on our show,

we're dedicating our Mother's Day episode

"to a different kind of mom...

...a dad."

What? Oh, we love it.

And he's being interviewed

and they're like,

"John, now tell us what compelled you

"to do the bare minimum?

"Like, walk us through what was

going through your head

"when you decided to spend time

with your girl child?

That's crazy."

We can't believe it.

Can you imagine if someone sent you a

TikTok of a mom doing her daughter's hair?

You'd be like, "What the f*ck is this?

Why am I watching this?"

You'd be like, "Is there gonna be like,

a home invasion or something?

"Like, where's the payoff? What's...?

"Oh, does the ceiling fan fall off

and chop off both their heads?

"'Cause...

...what's the point?"

No, we don't-- [laughing] We don't care.

Moms could be doing

their daughters' hair perfectly,

and we would still scrutinize.

The comments would be awful.

They'd be like...

You're pulling too hard!

She's a girl, not a horse!

I hope your uterus falls out!

Why haven't you said anything

about Palestine?!

We need to know where you stand!

Jesus Christ.

It's too hard.

It's too stressful to be a mom.

I'm too stressed to be an aunt,

I really am.

I was staying with my sister, uh,

not too long ago at her house,

and at one point I was like,

"I'm gonna go take a shower."

And my nephew comes running

in the room and he's like...

I'm wanna take a shower with you.

I wanna take a shower with you.

He's 18. I was like,

"What is going on with his voice?

Why is no one talking about this?"

He's frozen in time.

What's happening?

No. [chuckles] He was four, and, um...

And it was cute, you know, he wanted

to hang out with me in the shower,

but I guess it's not weird.

My sister was like, "Oh, it's fine.

We do it. He goes in with us,

you can go in."

And I was like,

"I don't think that's a good idea.

"I just don't...

I don't think you should do that."

And she was like, "It's fine."

And I go, "Well, maybe if you like,

come in and watch us?

I think that's maybe better."

She was like, "Why?"

And I'm like,

"'Cause what if I molest him?

"I mean, I just feel like...

Do you know I won't, you know?"

She was like, "I thought I did."

And I'm like, "Good. You don't know.

You don't know."

She doesn't.

But she asked. She was like, "Would you?"

And I was like, "No! What the f*ck? Ew!

"I would never!

But that's what I'd say if I was gonna."

You know? Like, I'd lie.

Pedophiles lie.

They're not undercover cops.

They don't gotta tell you what

they're about, you know?

You can't trust anyone.

I mean, and I know I'm an aunt,

but aunts are just female uncles, dude.

Like, come on.

Open your eyes.

And I know that I won't if I think

about it. It's like, "Blech."

But, like, what if it's something

you don't know that you are

until you get in there

and then you're like,

"Oh, this is my thing."

You know? Like, what if it opens up

a part of my brain that's dormant?

No one chooses to be a pedophile.

It just lands there.

I can't-- You don't--

Don't mess with that. You know?

People think this is crazy, but I'm like,

"How many times in my life have I looked

at something and been like,

'That is disgusting.

I would never do that.'"

And now I'm like,

"Pickleball is kind of fun, actually."

So, like, I...

I don't trust my brain.

Just don't get, like, male babysitters.

I can't even understand why people

get male babysitters.

It's--

If you got one tonight,

I'm sure it's fine.

But, like, what are you doing?

Oh, boy, you're playing with fire,

I'm just saying.

I'm sure you got a good one.

And I'm sure you have cameras.

And if you don't, he does.

But what I'm saying is, don't...

I'm not saying all male babysitters

are pedophiles.

That's not what I'm saying.

I'm just saying if I was a pedophile,

I know what line of work

I would look into.

I mean, they follow

their dreams, you know?

It's the easiest way in, too.

They don't have to join the

Catholic priesthood

and LARP their way through that bullshit.

That's an in.

But it's a lot of work, you know?

They don't have to befriend

a billionaire with an island.

And, like, you don't have to sit next

to Bill Gates on a private plane.

You don't have to help

Stephen Hawking up a ramp.

I mean, that's like a lot of stuff...

...to get to what you want.

But male babysitter,

you just got to be like,

"I'm free Thursday."

It's like your TSA PreCheck.

You're right in.

So, don't get 'em.

And, uh-- And if you did get one tonight,

uh, these are just jokes.

You don't need to leave the show early

to relieve him.

Your toddler already did,

but that's the worst--

Listen,

I know.

It's the worst joke I've ever told.

It's the worst thing I've ever thought.

You think I want to think that?

What the f*ck?

But...

back to Arlo wanting

to take a shower with me.

It's...

I think I just didn't want him

to see my vag*na,

'cause I remember when he asked,

my first thought was like,

"What does my vag*na look like?"

Like, that's...

And that's a weird thought,

'cause that means, like--

I'm not trying to say there's

an ideal version of it for him,

like, "Arlo, check it out.

Like, I shaved PAW Patrol into it."

Like, that's...

It's not like it's ever good enough

for him to see.

But this day,

I thought it would just be

too jarring for him.

I had grown out all the hair.

He would have seen it and

thought it was Shel Silverstein

on the back of The Giving Tree.

You know, it would just...

And believe me, it was giving tree top.

And so, it was like,

I just didn't want to ambush him

with my aunt bush.

I mean, it's like...

'Cause he's four, right?

And four is the age where you

have your first memory.

And I feel like he would have

looked at my giant bush,

and then his consciousness

would have been like,

"And, we're live. Start recording."

It's just like...

I can't do that to him.

'Cause that happened to me. It did.

I saw my aunt's vag*na

at a really young age

before I was ready.

Not that I'd ever be ready, but...

And I remember it so well.

It's one of my most vivid memories.

We were on a speedboat in Lake Michigan.

My aunt was driving.

Okay, one hand on the wheel,

cigarette in mouth,

and she used her free hand to,

right in front of my face,

put a tampon in.

Just slipped it to the side,

loaded a tampon in.

It happened so fast.

She was like John Wick.

It was like...

Like loading a g*n.

It was like John Wick,

but with more blood.

I mean, I was like, "What am I seeing?"

I had no clue what I was watching.

I mean, she was putting this

big cardboard thing--

You know, one of those

old Tampax '80s ones?

Looked like a paper towel roll.

You know, like it was--

It squeaked when it went in.

She took the remnants,

threw 'em behind her.

They hit my cousin in the head,

as he's, he's tubing.

He's like, "What the...?"

He got tubed while tubing.

I learned so much.

I didn't even know what I learned.

I just learned there's storage up there.

And I was like, "Ah...

...a place for my POGs. f*ck, yeah. Okay."

But it's really the only thing

I remember from that trip.

And, um, my cousin

drowned that day, so it's...

Don't remember how. I-- Yeah.

So, um, I'm gonna take off

my jacket 'cause, um...

Thank you.

Yeah.

This is the part of the show

where I get into

horrifying detail about the state

of my vag*na.

And...

...so, just 'cause I'm giving you

graphic imagery

about what's going on down there,

I just want to remind you that

I have amazing t*ts.

So, that's why this is off.

Focus on these for what

you're about to hear.

Here, Dad, take this.

It's my dad.

He's shrouding himself in it.

Good boy.

So, let's talk about it.

So, my p*ssy is now 41

inches long

and it's starting...

...to fall down the sides.

Each outer lip is like getting

a little Salvador Dali-esque,

like the melting clocks.

It's not good.

And I want you to know it's gonna happen

to all of you young ladies.

I know you don't think this.

I remember being you of, like, "Not me."

'Cause maybe you're one of these girls

that just has, like, two lips in a line,

little Dua Lipa. Mm.

f*ck you. f*ck you,

if you have two lips in a line.

Oh!

I've always wanted two lips in a line.

I've never been able to get it.

I have to like stuff everything in.

Like, I can get it, but I stuff it all in.

And then I have to put some

lash glue on the sides,

and then I have to squeeze it together.

I sing "Happy Birthday"...

...and then I can let it go.

And it's like, "Yeah!"

It doesn't look the same as yours.

It looks like Louis Armstrong

playing the trumpet.

You know, it's like...

It's just drooping.

It's like falling down.

I'm starting to grow out my bush

just to give it like a chiseled jawline.

You know, like fat men do with beards?

Just cover it up.

'Cause it falls.

No one ever told me it would fall.

Does it fall off eventually?

Do I shed it like an exoskeleton?

I don't need it anymore.

It just, it's changed for me.

I used to worry about camel toe.

Now I'm worried about basset hound head.

So, it's like...

Have you ever just looked

at your aging genitals

after not seeing them for a while

and just thought to yourself,

"Oh, I guess I can't leave my husband."

You know? "I can't take this out

on the marketplace.

"I'll stay with him. He doesn't care.

He's grandfathered in. You know, I..."

There comes a point in your life

where your p*ssy looks so bedraggled

that you're like, "I can't go through

another vaginal reveal with someone."

You know?

You know what I mean?

That tense moment where a guy

touches your p*ssy for the first time

and you, like, hold your breath

like...

Like you're about to hear

the winner of American Idol.

Like, you're just like,

"What's the verdict?"

And then he has to, like,

sort through your labia

that you've kind of, like,

crammed into the middle.

It's like, clumped together,

like day-old Thai food, you know?

Just like congealed Pad See Ew.

Yeah, Pad See Ew.

He pads it, he sees it.

He's like, "Ew!" You know? It's...

My whole life has been insecurities

about my vag*na.

They change all the time.

You know, I think when you first

start out as a young woman,

you're hooking up with guys,

you're so scared that they're gonna

make fun of your p*ssy.

'Cause you hear,

"Oh, smell is a bad thing."

So, you worry,

but you don't really know

what it's supposed to smell like.

I, I still do the smell test

before I hook up.

I'll just, like...

I'm like, "Ugh!"

"Perfect, okay."

'Cause...

it should smell bad.

It's a wet pocket, three inches

from my as*h*le.

Like, it's...

It shouldn't smell good.

Wet pocket

Um...

So, you worry about smell.

You worry about tightness.

'Cause you hear jokes that guys make.

Funny jokes. They're like,

"Oh, this girl was so loose,

it was like throwing a hot dog

down a hallway."

You've heard that, right?

When I heard that, I'm like,

"That sounds quite fun, actually."

Just to, like, toss a hot dog

down a hallway

and watch it, like, flap around,

like, that's fun.

And also, that kinda sounds like

a hot dog problem to me.

Like that's...

Is that on us?

Yeah.

I don't think you can throw a

redwood tree down a hallway,

is all I'm saying. It's all I'm saying.

Knock on wood.

But it's funny

'cause whenever you complain

about these like vaginal insecurities,

there's like always an older woman

that overhears you

and she's always like,

"Ah, they don't care

as long as it's warm and wet."

And you're like,

"Thanks, Obi-Wine Kenobi. I didn't ask."

I don't even have wet anymore.

I can't be like,

"Well, at least it's wet."

I'm 41. I don't get wet.

The best I get is... tacky?

Like, it's like...

Like an old man's mouth.

It like... Mm.

It smacks.

I literally hear it smack when I

open my legs sometimes.

It's humiliating.

Never wet. Ever.

Not, never. I get, like,

little spurts of it.

Probably like two a month.

I get a little...

Just out of nowhere.

Just...

It's not connected to me being

turned on, I don't think.

'Cause the last time it happened,

I was at Starbucks

and they were like,

"We're out of oat milk."

And I'm like...

Like, right, right on it.

I was like...

"Why that?

He wasn't even mean about it.

Like, why am I horny?"

He's like, "We have coconut milk."

I'm like, "I do, too, actually.

I just brewed my own."

I think my biggest insecurity

about my vag*na my whole life,

has been the inner lips,

the labia minora.

My minora are majora.

Yeah, like, they're...

...hanging out.

And I really didn't know this was a thing.

I was 19 when I figured out that

this might be a problem.

I was a virgin. No one had

ever seen my vag*na.

I figured, "Oh, I have the same vag*na

as everyone else."

And then one night I was listening

to a Dane Cook album,

one of my favorite comedians,

and he had a great joke

about going down on a girl

with too many lips.

"Oh, too many lips."

And I was like, "What's this?"

And he described it like, uh,

he said at one point,

it was like getting lost in the

stage curtains of his high school.

He was like, rolling around in them.

It was hilarious.

But I was like, "What's he talking about?"

And I looked down at mine

and there was a production of Brigadoon

going on down there.

I'm like...

"Dane Cook wouldn't f*ck me!"

And I was like, "Oh my God,

I cannot have this kind of vag*na."

I was like, "I have to do

something about it."

So, I was like, researching into,

um, labiaplasty.

I was broke, but I was saving up

money for the surgery

where they take off your labia,

and they donate it to Lobes of Love

for kids who have been afflicted

with childhood earlobe cancer.

It's a beautiful organization.

But...

But it was a race against time, right?

So I'm 19,

and I desperately want to hook up.

But I can't because I, I just imagine

that if any guy even fingers me,

he'd be like, "What is this?"

And he'd be like...

And, like, puke on me

and leave me in the woods.

And he wouldn't be able

to untangle his hand,

and he'd have to 127 hours hisself out.

And...

I just had this whole story.

So, I was like, "I have to fix it."

And then, I went to this party in college

with a bunch of my friends,

and it was crazy because this guy

I had liked all of college,

he finally broke up with his girlfriend,

and my friends were like,

"He wants to be with you

and you're gonna hook up finally!"

But I, I didn't want to tell them

'cause I didn't tell anyone.

Like, it's ironic I'm talking about it

into a microphone now,

because at the time, this p*ssy stuff,

like, I kept it inside.

Not it, but like, the idea of it...

...was in my heart.

I hadn't told anyone.

But then my friends were like,

"You're gonna hook up with him!"

And I was like, "I can't."

And they were like,

"What do you mean?" I was like,

"[sniffling] My p*ssy is...

my p*ssy is wack." And, um--

And I said "wack" because this was 2005

and we said that then, okay?

I was like,

"My p*ssy looks like it's saying,

'Wuzzup!'" You know, like...

1-

- ...they got it.

This was 2005.

I'm wearing juicy sweatpants.

Not the brand. They just were.

But, um...

But they were like, "What are you

talking about, Nikki?

Wha-- We've never heard of this."

And I was like,

"Well, like, you know how most of the time

"it's just like two lips in a line,

while like in that line,

"there's like a...

"it looks like there's like a baby octopus

"coming out to, like, forage

for food for the first time,

you know, like on a nature documentary

where it's like coming out?"

And they were like, "I think so?"

And they go, "I, I think

ours are like that."

And I was like, "What?

Show me. Show me now!"

And they were like, "Okay."

'Cause they're good friends.

And so, they were like,

"Let's go in the bathroom."

Five of us went into this bathroom

at this party.

And, and everyone was like,

"What are you guys doing?"

And we were like, "Coke."

And so, we went in...

...and pulled out our pussies.

It was so helpful to me.

This day changed my life, truly.

'Cause my first two friends that

showed me their vaginas,

they looked exactly like mine.

And I was like, "Oh my God,

we are like three Steven Tyler's singing."

Like, just lips and scarves.

I was like, "Yes! My lips sis's."

I was so happy.

And then my friend Kirsten was next.

And she's the girl that like ha--

is like perfect all the time

but tries to fit in with your, like,

friends who aren't, you know?

You know this friend? Like,

she pulled down her underwear.

She was like, "Is this bad?"

And it was just the most perfect

little dime slot p*ssy, ever.

I was like, "You come in here with

your little Uncrustable p*ssy?

"You can't do that.

"We're standing here with our lamb gyros

"that look like they fell on the sidewalk.

That's not okay. Turn around."

- Whoo!

- So mad.

But then the next girl took

down her underwear.

And that was the best part.

Now, this was my fifth friend.

This is the thing, girls.

If you have any lip shame,

you need to do this.

You need to see normal vaginas.

So, this is what you gotta do.

You gotta get five friends.

Five is the key number.

You can do four. You can do four.

But four is risky, 'cause four...

...you might be the dangler.

And you don't wanna be the dangler.

You don't wanna be the worst.

You just need one girl who's

worse than you

and you are good to go.

And that was my friend, Holla.

My friend Holla,

she pulled down her--

She didn't pull it down,

she just, you know, pulled her

underwear to the side

and it fell out like...

It was like she had a

message for the king.

It like, unfurled.

And we were like, "Whoa!"

It was like...

We were like, "Did you hear a horn?"

We're like, "Do we salute?

Or like Buckingham's Palace?

"Or like...

I want to do the right protocol."

We were horrified.

We weren't even good friends about it.

Like a good friend, when you see

something horrifying with your friend,

you go, "Oh, it's not that bad.

It's fine," you know?

But we were like, "What the f*ck?!

You don't deserve love."

Like...

She's like, "Is it bad? Is this bad?"

We're like, "Dude, how do you ride a bike?

Like, it looks like you're making pasta."

She didn't care. Oh, my God.

She was instantly like, making jokes

about it. She was like,

"Seriously guys, it's so long.

It's crazy."

She was like, "If I stretch it out,

it can like touch the ground."

We were like, "Should it?

You're gonna get athlete's labe,

like, pick it up."

She was so cool about it.

She was like, "Guys,

I'm going back to the party."

And she was like, over her shoulder,

Continental soldier,

like, "Bye, guys."

You're like...

Just p*ssy's agape, like...

How do you have that much confidence?

Did your mom hug you?

Did you go to Montessori?

Why do you like yourself?

But it was just this beautiful moment

where she had taken this p*ssy that

looked like it had sat on a grenade,

and she...

...she wore it like a vag of honor.

You know, she...

She made it funny.

She was just, like, silly about it.

And it, it just, it--

It made me realize that

I shouldn't care about this stuff either.

Like, I always think about Holla's labia

whenever I'm feeling insecure

or I'm at a car wash

and the wet flaps are like

hitting the windshield,

I'm like...

"I shouldn't care either."

And things turned out

great for her, really.

I mean, we're still best friends

until she sees this on a special.

But she, uh...

No, she really, she turned out great.

She married, like, the hottest guy

from our high school.

Um, he's blind and has no hands, but...

But she has a great life.

We all just reunited recently

at, uh, Holla's wedding.

It was so fun. I got to hold her labia

in the ceremony.

It was so beautiful.

We stretched it out.

I missed the ceremony,

'cause I was in the street,

but, like, we just wanted

to get the full...

...breadth of it.

You know, it was beautiful.

That was a fun day.

I saw all those girls from that bathroom.

My friend Kirsten, with the

perfect p*ssy, she was there.

But she just had a baby,

and it was like a honker.

I mean, this was like a nine-pounder.

So, I was like, "Guess whose p*ssy

is perfect now?"

Yeah, still hers. She had a C-section.

But...

...what are you gonna do?

Guys, you were a great crowd.

And I hope I was a good girl.

I love you.

Good night!

Be a good, good

-Good girl

-

Be polite and say please

Now get down on your knees

Be a good, good, good girl

Shut your mouth, get underpaid

Suck it in, stay underage

Good girl

Good girl

Good girl

Good girl

They say it's sexy

When a girl can just speak her mind

But when you let me

The crowd goes soft

She sounds like a guy

They pull you close and whisper

You can have it all, dear

You'll have the perfect life

Perfect life

So many options

Be a mom, a babe, a boss's wife

Be a good, good, good girl

You're a sl*t or a tease

Now get down on your knees

Be a good, good, good girl

How the f*ck can we persist

May redact it off your list

Good girl