02x04 - Ladies Day Night Day Night

[bunniefuu]

Who is Don in the land dispute with?

The Dungalaba Corporation.

Al, we know your family was involved in
a land dispute with Don Darrell.

What it looks like is you dragging
a very dead Don Darrell

up the jetty towards the donga.

He wasn't dead. He was sh*t-faced.

He was alive when I left him.

Isaac found it wedged in some mangroves.

-So it's a d*ck-bum.
-A d*ck and a bum.

-Yeah, it's a d*ck bum.
-Yeah, that's what it is.

[Culkin]
Redcliffe directing
Sergeant Ferguson

to conduct a premises search
today, that wasn't great.

Eddie did what?

Frank's been up to his old tricks again,
hasn't he?

Doing what, Eddie?

Poaching wild crocs, Collins, OK?

We have our own case.

Someone else went out to the donga
after Al left.

So I need you
here,
not fixating on your dad.

I didn't poach any crocs!

What is this, Frank?

Did you chop Don Darrell?

Found a police-issue handgun
with two rounds missing

and we're just hoping to
identify the owner.

[tense music plays]

[Frank] This is a bloody dog act.

But it wouldn't be your first dog act,
would it, Edwina?

-Probably won't be
your last dog act, either!
-Alright! Stop the car.

I'm getting out.
I'm going to get the taser.

-Uh, no-- No! You will not be
doing that, Eddie, no.
-Yep. I am.

I'm just going to f*ck' charge it up
and then zap, zap, zap.

-Yeah, go and get it out.
-Come on!

-[both shout]
-Enough!

-[♪ Gina G's "[Ooh-Ah] Just A Little Bit"
plays loudly on radio]
-f*ck's sake!

[indistinct shouting and swearing]

Alright, Frank, settle down!
[turns off radio]

Eddie, put your belt on.

[buckle clicks]

We will question Frank formally,

in our kitchenette,

with a recording device.

Why'd you f*ck' do it?

-Eddie. Eddie, no.
-[Frank] I didn't do nothing!

-It was a stitch-up!
-Oh, come on!

You've been talking about
k*lling Don Darrell for 40 years.

We found a chainsaw
buried in your backyard

like a dead budgie.

Not to mention the fact that Leo found
some of your crap in the river scrap.

What was it, Collins? What was it? Hey?

Um... We will talk about that later.

We w-- Yeah, we will talk about it later.
It was something big, wasn't it?

You are up sh*t creek
without a snorkel, mate.

Those forensics are searching
every nook and fanny at Don's donga.

And if they so much as find
a silver pube of yours,

-you are going down.
-Alright!

You got me.

I done it.

I m*rder*d Don Darrell.

How'd you f*ck' do it?

Eddie. Eddie, no.

[Eddie] You've really stepped it up,
sh*t-face. You're going down.

A jury's going to have no trouble at all
imagining the bunny hop you've made

from f*ck' animal cruelty
to full-blown f*ck' homicide.

I'm going to cook you
like a three-course dinner, mate.

It's going to be soup, meat

-and a f*ck' Viennetta!
-[phone ringing]

Collins, don't answer that.

-40 years of this sh*t! f*ck my d*ck!
-Of course I'm not going to answer it!

-I'm just going to turn it off.
-Rabbit!

[brakes squeal]

[Culkin]
Uh, Detective Collins?

Hi, Col.

We've got a bit of a problem at HQ.

[theme music plays]

[man] Double-page spread
in a national f*ck' paper.

Full colour.

The son, DJ Darrell, says,

"The cops went after Jason Wade,

ipso facto, they think
he m*rder*d my dad."

So there it is,
in black and f*ck' white.

It's not black and white,
it's a full-colour spread.

We never discussed anything of the kind
with DJ, sir.

Commissioner, could we seek
a legal retraction from the paper?

He called Jason Wade a m*rder*r, right?

You can't unsuck that c*ck.

What the f*ck are you wearing?

Oh, well, you said you were coming in
at ten and I had running club, so--

Close your legs, mate.
One of your nuts has popped out.

No, no, no, that's a pocket, sir.

-That's a very low-hanging pocket.
-No, that's a nut.

-It's not.
-That's a nut there.
-[low-pitched squeaking]

Ah, here we go again.

Every weekend,
these eight-foot f*ck' she-mans

from that g*y club Knob across the alley

hurl sh*t at us.

Vomit, dingers filled with jizz.

Oh, and Cher here, he thinks
we should march with them at Pride.

No, well, I asked my 20-year-old
about that

and she said no.

It's unbelievable,

'cause you bunch of f*ck have
been up at Barra Creek five f*ck' days

and, by all reports,
your investigation has changed direction

more times than a bat
with a f*ck' concussion.

Oh, we would agree that it has been
a bit of a bumpy start, sir,

but we are currently
piecing together a picture--

A picture?!

This isn't a 1,000-piece puzzle
of a f*ck' puppy in a hat.

We haven't got time to let this drag out,

particularly if Don Darrell's
seagull family

keeps squawking to the press!

Well, actually, Commissioner,

the detectives
had a breakthrough overnight.

They found a chainsaw at the property
of a person of interest in an area--

Oh, good! Because Blunt's team
has made a breakthrough too.

-Really? Have they?
-Yeah.

Two backpacks were found at River Creek
by a hunter and his pig dogs.

So if you don't finish
piecing together your pictures,

I'm going to hand your case over to Blunt

so fast that your heads
will spin off your necks

like a f*ck' Greek discus,
do you understand?

-f*ck' spin your head off
like a f*ck'...
-We do understand.

-[Eddie continues muttering]
-We absolutely understand! Yes, sir.

Put some f*ck' pants on, Culkin,
before I involve HR.

Yes, sir. [clears throat]

-Well, wasn't he delightful.
-[phone dings]

-Proud to serve with him.
-f*cking Cotton.

-Taking our case and giving it to Blunt.
-Uh, it's Cath.

She needs us to pick something up
from the Kucka Truck...

-a Kucka Trucka
for Ladies' Day Night.
-What the f*ck is that?

-[phone dings]
-And Pat's also messaged.

Roger claims Frank's detainment

contravenes his right to "Ipsum lorem".

OK. Yep, alright.
Roger's not a real lawyer.

Eddie.

Eddie!

[Eddie] I'm cutting through next to Knob,
chasing the fans.

OK, Pat also wants to know how long
do you think we'll be holding Frank

because he wants a continental breakfast
from the pub and it costs $38.

Text "bread and gruel the c**t".

Oh, I am going to text the C-word to Pat,
Eddie, yep.

OK, so we can't hold Frank forever.

Well, we're not going to let him go.

He confessed
and there was evidence in his yard.

OK. Well, the chainsaw
needs to be analysed

and his confession was informal.

-To charge him, we need to build a case.
-We have a motive.

Frank found King, OK?
And that rat b*stard Don took the credit.

So, for 40 years, Frank's been
farting hot air about k*lling Don

-and now he's finally done it.
-OK, OK, OK.

So, ipso facto, Frank did it.

But we need a motive that is reasonable,
not croc-based.

-Hey, croc-based motives are reasonable.
-Next, we need to ascertain

how Frank could have done this.

[Eddie] OK, Big Eyes will autopsy
the d*ck-bum and test the chainsaw.

Backpack can look into its origins.

We're like an investigative turducken.

[Dulcie] Well, Leo said
they can't work with us today.

[Eddie] What? My mentos? Why not?

So, DJ, what are some of
your fondest memories of your dad?

I'll tell you my fondest memory,
Leon, right?

-Jason-f*ck'-Wade's
reign of the river...
-[Amber] DJ!

-...is over!
-I wasn't recording.
-[Amber] DJ!

Rabbit said the cops were questioning
someone else from Land of Crocs!

-Who? Who was it?
-[Amber] I don't know who it was!

My dad saw lights in the sky once.

They hovered there and...

just flew away.

[Amber and DJ
continue talking indistinctly]

Two days later, King ate his leg.

Thanks, Troy, that's great colour.

[engine idling]

[sighs] God help us.

Pat, is Reddy and that other copper
in there?

Nah, sorry, Mik,
I don't know where they are.

Why was my brother
questioned by them yesterday?

Hey, do you want to come inside?
I just made a cuppa.

No, no, no, I'll stick to
the perimeters, thanks,

like at Chernobyl.

Listen, why wasn't Legal Aid notified?

Oh, I popped my head in.
That was nothing serious, Mik.

They were just chatting to Al about,
you know,

why he was at the donga with Don
on the night he was m*rder*d.

-Right.
-Yeah, it was all good.

Al let them know he was out on the river

on the big king tide cultural business,
of course,

and they sent him on his way.

[kid] Mav, kick it to me!

Hey, I met young Mav yesterday.

He wasn't too keen on me
giving him a lift home.

Yeah, well, Mav doesn't know you, Pat.

The cops put his dad in jail.

Mmm. I see he's had
a few run-ins with the law, too.

Well, I guess that
might colour things for him.

You tell those two, next time
they want to chat to my brother,

they need an advocate present.

Oh, no, no, they won't be
questioning him anymore.

They're holding someone else now.

Who? Not more mob?

Oh, I'm not at liberty to say, love.

-[Frank] Pat! I need to make
a lunch order.
-Oh...

Alright, Frank, just keep it down, mate.

[Frank] I want a chicken parma,

and a laksa cheesecake
for my hypoglycaemia.

OK, let's get you lot
to Uncle Roger's, eh?

No playing kick-to-kick
with his artwork this time, please.

[Cherry] How do we know what's his art
and what's his rubbish?

Alright, you swampy f*ck,
this is a lock-in

until you lot start talking about
Sunday night.

You're up first, Florals.
Come on, snitch it up.

How did she take the news
about Bushy's g*n being found?

Oh, I haven't told her yet.

-Hey! Clear off, grey gonads.
-[Cath] What? Dulce!

Oh, well, no, I was going to
tell her last night,

but then her dad got arrested.

And now City HQ has put
this absurd time pressure on us,

like it is cake-pop week
on a baking show.

Did you see this old scrote,
this bloke here?

Oh! Yeah.

He was here on Sunday night.

He left at 11.15, after my set.

I remember him, 'cause he got mad at me
'cause I didn't know "Cacklin' Rosie".

-What?
-I think it's a song
about a witch, maybe.

Like... a jolly witch?

-What did you say?
-"Cacklin' Rosie"?

No, shame job!

Neil Diamond! How the f*ck
do you not know that song?

♪
Play it now, play it now

♪
Play it now, my baby

♪
Cracklin'...
"Cracklin'
Rosie".

Know your history.

Hey, Lynn, where are you going?
Hey, I've got questions for you.

Did my old man have his scooter here
Sunday night?

Oh, poor love.
It's unhealthy to keep all that inside.

Remember when we lost Angela Lansbury?

That dog that we had for three weeks?

Yeah, her death was so sudden
and I didn't process it properly

and it gave me those haemorrhoids.

Fissures like the Mariana Trench.

It's really important to
feel your feelings and do the healing,

before your arse gets involved.

OK, I'm going to hose out those
port-a-loos for Lynn and Mary's party.

I love you, sexy.

Mwah! Good luck telling Eddie
about Bushy's g*n.

-[indistinct chatter]
-[sighs]

-[Dulcie] Eddie!
-Here.

OK, Flora the Explorer said Frank
left here on this scooter at 11.15.

The drone showed Al and Don
on the jetty at 11.30,

so Frank must have arrived
at the donga after Al left.

Right, and Lynn
thinks it was fully charged.

Ah, yeah, because he bums her power
every time he comes to town.

-Ooh!
-[phone dings]

-It's Abby.
-Is that a tracking device?

Hang on, she's saying there's no sign
of the chainsaw at forensics.

-She doesn't think it's there.
-What?

-You told Luke to
travel it to forensics, yes?
-Yes, I did.

I mean... in my head...

but maybe not with my mouth.

OK. OK.

-So where is the chainsaw now, Eddie?
-No, I had it! OK? I f*ck' had it.

I wrapped it up, and then I put it...
[stammers]

I don't f*ck' know, OK?

-Frank was calling me a snitch.
-Right.

He came at me with a creaky little that
and so I went, "Ah-choo," like that,

and then f*ck' Moonboot
got a red ant bite,

so Frank pulled his d*ck out
and pissed on the sting.

-There was a lot going on, OK?
-OK, so...

the chainsaw is still at Frank's?

I don't know! Maybe. Yeah, probably.

OK, well, it is our only actual evidence,

so we should probably
get out there and get that.

OK, well, then we'll get Leo
to take this out to the donga,

and they can time out the journey,
see if the battery can make 6 Ks.

-[sighs]
-Wait, Leo's not working with us today.

f*ck!

OK, well, then you can ride this out
when we get back, then.

-No! No!
-Yeah!

I'll never fit on that.
I'll look like a Soviet circus bear.

[Luke] Detectives, the suspect
has a message for you.

No, no. Do not do it, Moonboot.

Do not tell me that he has
changed his confession or some sh*t.

The suspect has changed his lunch order.

He now wants a dozen oysters Kilpatrick

and something called a steak cake,
cooked well-done.

[Eddie sighs]

Luke, what are you doing now?

[Abby] I need to get the chainsaw
from Barra Creek, Diane!

-[woman] Well, you've been
put on desk duty.
-[Abby] Yes, I know I have, but why?

You have been removed from your team
due to a personality clash.

Hang on, Lauren and Oliver
complained about me?

But they don't even know my name.

Well, Toby also showed
signs of discomfort with you,

as evidenced by his severe constipation.

[sighs]

Can I at least have access to lab three
so I can autopsy Don Darrell's pelvis?

-I don't have a swipe card--
-Dan Donnell is not
a priority for us, miss.

Until the task force needs you,
you can unpack the dishwasher

and consolidate
the communal Vegemite jars in the kitchen.

-But--
-Thank you.

A tox report needs to
be done on him, Diane,

and the chainsaw needs to be tested too,

because that was the thing
that was used to disarticulate him!

-[phone ringing]
-I bagged the chainsaw up,

and where the f*ck did I put it?

[Dulcie] Hi, Luke.
How'd you go with the scooter?

[Eddie] Maybe it was where
I was drinking-- Hey!

-My coke!
-[Dulcie] OK.

-Uh-huh.
-[Eddie] Oh! Here it is.

Collins, I've found it.

It's over here in front of
Triple Pet's cage.

[Dulcie] What a shock.
Yes, we'll come get you.

What the f*ck?

f*ck' Frank. sh*t-stirrer.

[Dulcie] Yes, see you soon. Bye.

Eddie.

Eddie, have you got the chainsaw?

Yeah, it's just here.

Hey, we should grab
some of Frank's bric-a-brac-a

while we're out here as well.

Might help us with the cause of death.

He's got loads of weapons out here -
a shotgun, meat hook, samurai sword.

He could have stashed that on his scooter
when he went to the pub.

Moonboot done yet?

We should get him to collect up this sh*t

and do the f*ck-boring drive
back to Darwin. What?

Luke didn't make it to the donga.
The battery died three Ks out of town.

So, unless Frank walked
the rest of the way,

he didn't follow Don
from the pub to the donga.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Frank
didn't
follow Don from the pub
to the donga.

Exactly.

He has the muscle mass
of a pipe cleaner, Eddie.

There's no way he could manage
any of this.

I think we should reconsider
the validity of his confession.

He scooted here, to his joint

and then,
then,
he went to the Donga.

What? How? Eddie, via a slingshot? No.

As the crow flies, because the crow avoids
all roads, bridges and security cameras.

Come on, Collins.
We need to be like the crow!

No, Eddie, we do not need to
be like the crow.

-[Eddie] Ca-caw, ca-caw!
-We need to be like the police...

-[Eddie, imitating crow]
Come on, Collins! Ca-caw!
-...and take the chainsaw to forensics!

Evidence protocols are not
a serving suggestion!

Yeah, so this party is Lynn and Mary's
first big event.

I'm practising croc-sucking cowboys.

It's butterscotch snaps
and a layer of Irish cream for the jizz.

I think.

Yeah, no, I'm looking forward to
my retirement party.

Oh, yeah, great.

Booked a private dining room.

-I've pre-ordered a whole lot of prawns.
-Oh, good.

I mean, after 40 years of service,

I expect there'll be
a pretty good turnout.

I started in the force when I was 20.

Yeah, just after I got married.

But my husband, he didn't understand,
this job is a calling.

So we divorced.

Then he died, apparently.

Right. Now I need to pick up
Frank's steak cake, which...

[Dulcie] When you said we'd
cross the river in your childhood boat,

wasn't expecting one that you'd built out
of plastic barrels and zip ties

-in the '90s, Eddie.
-Shut up. I'm thinking.

OK, this is definitely Frank's tinny.

I can tell by the portside piss stain.

So what's happened is he rowed it
over here to the donga side of the river.

Then that old grog bog
has dragged it up here.

[groans] Eddie, this just shows
Frank's been over here.

-Hang on. Hang on.
-It doesn't prove he was here
on Sunday night.

The boat could get up this high
if it was a big f*ck-off tide.

And according to Al
and his king tide cultural business,

it was a king tide on Sunday.

So, I'm right.
Frank's f*ck' bush-bashed it...

-Thank you, thank you.
-...all the way to Don's.

Wait... Eddie! Eddie, what are we doing?

Our water bottles are still in the car.

[Eddie] Come on, Collins, move your boobs.

The donga's just on
the other side of the DRR.

Hm. She did?

OK, sis, I'll drive you to Perth.

I'm rich now, I've got a phone.

Alright, bye.

Cherry, did you find a phone?

Yeah, in here! It's a flip phone.

I wonder whose car this is.
You reckon we could sell it?

Got to get it running first, brus.

You reckon it's here
'cause aliens picked it up

but it was too heavy
so they dropped it again?

Not aliens.

Well, if it wasn't aliens,
how'd it get here then?

Yeah! Uncle Roger says there's been
biggest mob lights at night.

Aliens beaming things
up to their spaceship.

He says it's a government conspiracy.

As if. Right, chuck us the head, Clay.

And, Cherry, it's definitely not yours.

Nah, Pat gave it to us
when she cleaned out lost property.

OK, perfect. we have no reception.

[grunts] Come on!

You're a l*sbian on a bushwalk.
Just be guided by your g*y.

Oh, well, you know, Eddie, if I'd
known
that we were going on this enterprise,

my "g*y" would have guided me
to a snake-centric first aid kit

and my camel bladder.

Alright, alright, yes, yes!

We should have brought
Cath's drink bottles.

My piss back there's like pumpkin soup.

But it's all good. We're in the DRR.

I know this place
like the moles on my f*ck' t*ts.

Plus, if any grey men try anything,

I've got the reflexes of a liger
and a police-issued g*n.

Pew, pew!

Look, uh, Eddie,
speaking of police-issued g*ns--

-f*ck my d*ck.
-What?

Fruity Juice.

I knew it. Frank walked this track.

It's his signature chewy.

Frank has sat here, smoking a f*g
and chewing on his pineapple cud.

And look! There's another wrapper.

-Uh, right.
-Frank must have been nervous.

He was chewing like a cow at a rave.

Sorry, how do you know it's Frank's?

'Cause no-one else eats that!
Tastes like toucan piss.

Come on, Collins, come on.

Come on! The donga's just up here.

Hey, wait, Eddie, tho-- I mean,
those tropical chewing gum wrappers
could be anyone's.

It doesn't mean it's connected to Frank,
or Don's m*rder.

So can we just
forget about the donga and--

[Eddie] Nup. Shut your ring. OK.

Fruity Juice has a short flavour window,

so if Frank started a bit
back there on that log,

then he'd be looking to
get rid of it somewhere...

-Eddie!
-...somewhere, like right...

...here.

I f*ck' told you Frank was here.

Bag it. Gift wrap it.

We got him.

Let's get back to town
and charge that rat f*ck.

[Cherry sings with karaoke mic]
♪
In the rivers and the sea
there are crocs unseen

-♪
And now there is biggest mob...
-[Miki] Hey, Cherry?

Can you stop
playing with that mic, please, bub?

No! Why?

[Miki] 'Cause it's giving me
a real bad headache in my ears.

Hey, Uncle Roger said you mob
played outside all day

-and he didn't hear a peep from you.
-[all] Yep.

So proud, tell you what!
Hey, what'd youse get up to?

-We found--
-A cool tree.

Yep, we played that all day.

[Miki] You played a cool tree all day?

OK.

-Hey, what's that?
-[Cherry] Is it the buffalo? Is it Bob?

Ugh. I wish.

Shove over, you two.

[Cherry] No! Clay meat-farted!

[Clay] I didn't meat-fart! That was Boss!

[Dulcie] Eddie! It's getting dark,
and I don't recognise anything!

I told you, I know my sh*t.

-Eddie, we didn't pass that before.
-Yeah, we did.

It was probably hiding behind
a fat pandanus.

You know, I may be dangerously low
on electrolytes,

but I reckon I would have remembered
a four-wheel drive in our path.

That's clearly been stolen.
I'm going to write down that VIN number.

It's just "VIN-just leave it".

-It's due diligence.
-No! Come on!

We've got to get you home
before a mozzie bites your mutt.

-Boat's just down there.
-It's not just there, Eddie.

Just there
is just more bugs,
because we are lost!

No! I have a perfect sense of direction

because of the mercury bird magnet
in my brain.

Eddie, you don't have
a mercury bird magnet in your brain.

-How do you know?
-Because you are not a bloody bird!

You're just pissed I got the result.

Oh, my God!

-You know what?
-What?

I knew we should have turned back

-and not pursued your half-c*ck plan...
-Excuse me, not half a c*ck!

-...against my better judgment,
I followed you.
-A full c*ck.

And now I am dehydrated,

there are bugs just nibbling at me
like I am a corn cob,

and we are lost!

I got the evidence we needed, didn't I?

Well, that doesn't matter
if we die getting it, Eddie.

Why did you follow me
if I am such a half-a-c*ck, then, hey?

Why? What's wrong with
you?

Well, I've just-- I've been a little bit
preoccupied all day, Eddie,

because Bushy's service g*n
was found in the river yesterday.

And, OK, yes, I was waiting to tell you
at a more appropriate time, but...

-you've actually been a nightmare,
all day, Eddie.
-Yeah, yeah, gotcha.

-All day.
-Ta for the update.

OK, you're welcome.

Also, sorry, I didn't know that
Bushy's body was found around here.

It wasn't.

It was found 200 Ks away,

wrapped up in a net
like a dead-man Quality Street.

But his g*n was here. It was...

-So was Bushy in Barra Creek
when he died or--
-Why does--

Mate, why does it matter
where he was?

Whether he was here or f*ck'
straddling a satellite up in space, OK,

he still topped himself,
so just f*ck' leave it.

[horn toots]

Oh, good! You're not dead.

-That makes it easier.
-[Dulcie] Miki!

Again, Luke, we're very sorry we--

I will be taking tomorrow
for personal leave.

Did you get a load of the, uh...

weather today? It's pretty...

...pretty cool.

Had them, um...

mammary-tis clouds.

You know, the ones that look like boobs?

-[sighs, turns on radio]
-[♪ Barkaa's "Blak Matriarchy" plays]

♪
I ain't here to start trouble,
I'm just here to state facts

♪
You can't paint me
how you wanna paint cracks

♪
And I'm tied to my mob,
got my mob on my back...

[Beef, on radio]
Well, Skid,
it's day three of the Bashnanza

and the $200,000 Golden Barra
is still out there.

[Skid]
That's right, Beefy,
but today is all about the girls,

-because it's Ladies Day!
-[Beef]
It certainly is.

And, Skiddy, apparently
there's a Ladies Day Night event

at the Barra Creek Pub!

-[Skid]
Oh, when's that? Today?
-[Beef]
No, that's tonight.

[Skid]
Oh, yeah, I'm going to avoid that.

[Beef]
Yeah, we'll be
staying off the roads.

[both laugh]

[man, on radio]
Top End Tyres are offering
tyre replacement and wheel alignments...

I can't believe you were lost yesterday,
sexy, and I didn't even know.

Oh, no, I wouldn't say we were lost,
per se, love.

I would have combusted if I knew.

Lucky I had my new book, you know,
from the pub book swap.

It's called Breathless Falls.

Turns out it's l*zzie-porn
and I ended up w*nk*ng all night.

-I'm red-raw, Dulce!
-[Dulcie] Oh, that's no good.

It was written in 1945.
It's about these two w*r widows

who meet in a Territory cattle station

and they went to a waterfall
called Breathless Falls

and they came across this old hut
and they just started f*cking.

-Oh, wow.
-In the hut. It's a f*ck-hut, Dulce.

It's incredible!
I'm in a constant state of cumming.

I'm in a c*m-loop, Dulce!

-Right.
-Anyway, I'm done.

-OK.
-Have you washed your bits?

Uh, yeah. I'll just--

Oh, f*ckity! I forgot our towels.

Uh, just-- Can you just, um, wait?

Hi, Joy. Is that a spare towel?

-[laughs nervously] Hi, Cath. Hi, Dulcie.
-Hi, Joy.

-Yes, it is.
-Thank you. Nice to see you.

-Do you want my towel, Cath?
-Oh, no, no.

I'll just drip dry.

[radio continues playing]

[Beef, on radio]
And breaking
in backpacker news,

the task force have located
some of the girls' belongings

at River Creek Mine.

But their four-wheel drive,
a white Land Cruiser,

has vanished without a trace.

[Skid]
White Land Cruiser, great car.

[Culkin, on recording]
You've called
Superintendent Col Culkin.
Leave a message.

Col, it's Dulcie. I think I've found
the backpackers' vehicle, so call me back.

-Hey.
-Hey, Leo, have you seen Eddie?

Uh, no. I wanted to talk to you
about my interview with the Darrells.

-That's fine.
There's no need to apologise.
-Oh, no, I'm not apologising.

-Abby.
-[Abby]
Oh, hi, ma'am.

I can't autopsy the pelvis
because Diane won't let me into the lab

because she's a human sphincter,

but,
have you seen the WhatsApp
I created for you, me and ma'am?

[Dulcie]
Uh, no, I haven't.

Oh. No worries.

Have the task force
found anything at the mine site?

Um, no. So far they've only found
a bunch of feral pig bones,

which are about as connected
to the backpackers as they sound.

OK. How about Astrid and Ebba's vehicle?
Any sign of that?

No, that's still missing too.

In fact, the only thing the task force
has found at the River Creek Mine site

are those random old backpacks.

And I've seen photos of them.

They have more southern cross flags
on them than an anti-vaxxer's bumper bar.

So unless Astrid and Ebba

immediately became Australian racists
on their holiday,

-then that stuff--
-That doesn't belong to them.

-They're still out there.
-I agree, ma'am.

-Whatever happened to them...
-[Luke] Detective.

...they didn't drive to River Creek
to picnic...

I went to go and collect
the suspect's breakfast this morning.

But Detective Redcliffe
already picked up the suspect's breakfast

-on her way to interview him...
-[Abby continues over phone]

which made my trip
completely and utterly redundant.

Sorry. Eddie is interrogating Frank
without me?

Yes, but she didn't pay for it. I did.

So I'd like to be reimbursed
a full $37.50, please.

...Diane says that it's not my job
to have ideas,

it's my job to put rinse-aid
in the dishwasher.

Stuff her. Luke?

Yeah. Exactly, ma'am. Stuff her!

You tell Detective Redcliffe that while
she is interviewing a suspect without me,

I'm off to the DRR on another lead.

And I'll be back in half an hour.

-Abby, I've got to go.
-OK, check the group chat.

Where should your phone be, miss?

Oh, well...

My phone should be in my locker, Diane.

-Mm-hm.
-But you know what?

Lab equipment should be sterilised
in the autoclave,

not stacked in the dishwasher by you

and put on a 30-minute eco-cycle.

I mean, corrosive beakers
covered in f*ck-knows-what

next to people's food containers
and reusable straws!

For shame, Diane.

Now, imagine what the prof
would think of you

if he heard this from me.

What do you want, Abigail?

I think you know what I want, Diane.

[beeping]

[exhales]

[whispers] Yes!

[Eddie] How'd you sleep last night, Frank?

What's the thread count
of the sheets in here? Zero? Huh?

Where's my Rice Bubbles?

No idea. These are
my
Rice Bubbles.

Ah! Delicious.

Went back to your place,

found your little Brothers Grimm trail
of Fruity Juice wrappers

all the way to Don's donga.

You got anything to say about that?

Nah? Doesn't matter.

Because I've f*ck' got you, mate.

I've got you.

You loaded up Don
with croc-sucking cowboys.

Then you row, row, rowed your boat
over the river.

You bush-bashed it to Don's place,
bumped him off,

hacked him up, dumped his body,

and then you row, row, rowed...

your bo...

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

Collins!

Collins!

What's this?
Why are you speed-walking with me?

I need to talk to you
about my Darrell family interview.

Ah, yeah, well, you really side-f*cked us
with that, Leo, but apology accepted.

I'm not apologising.

DJ Darrell said that Don had me
saved to his favourites--

Collins, are you in here?

Frank's tinny is still on the donga
side of the river!

Someone gave Frank a lift home

Do you hear me?
Someone else was at the donga.

Frank had an accomplice.
That's why he's not talking.

-Someone else is involved!
-[woman screams]

Ah. Sorry, Joy.
Ignore that. That was just a funny joke.

Um, yes, well--

Backpack, can I just give you
a bit of advice, they-to-they?

Ah, I haven't been listening to
a word you've been saying.

I know.

-They?
-Yeah. Probably.

Why not?

Anyway, what were you saying?

The public use my work message bank
to report crocodile-based tip-offs.

I went through the messages
in my first week on the job

and then I've never listened to them again
because I... don't want to.

-I respect that, Leo.
-Thanks.

But last night I found this message
from Don.

He left this two days before
he was m*rder*d.

[on recording]
Leon, it's Don Darrell.

I've just come into some
very interesting information

about what's been going on around here.

It's about the lights in the sky.
Let's just say, I know--

[engine roaring on recording]

-Is that the duckboat?
-That's the duckboat, yeah.

[engine continues on recording]

[Don]
People behind this
will try and k*ll me

to keep the truth from getting out.

The NUA aren't happy.
They've booted me out.

But I won't shut up, Leon.
I'm a truth-teller.

-Meet me Monday.
-[engine revs louder]

DJ, turn that f*ck' duckboat off!

[recording ends]

Obviously, I didn't meet with Don
on the Monday, because he was dead.

Well, who wanted to k*ll him? Who's this,
um, this group he's talking about?

The NUA. They're local
conspiracy theorists

who trade in the cooker classics,

aliens, 5G, World Economic Forum,

the Great Fire of London being started
by a rat spontaneously combusting.

Their current president
is a Mr "Surname-Redacted".

f*cking Roger!

Frank's f*cking garbage brother!

[turns off engine]

[exhales]

[Roger] Phone in the box, please, Edwina.

[Eddie] Right, fine.

Done.

Can come out.


Now, Edwina, as a citizen

of the sovereign state
of Magpie Goose Landing,

-I do not acknowledge your authority.
-Ugh!

Was Don Darrell a member
of the NUA UFO club?

And I do not consent to
answering your questions.

OK, no wucks.
No f*ck' wucks, mate.

Just trying to get you involved.

I already know that
Don was a member of the NUA.

What was the information
you didn't want to get out, hey?

Did Don find out that
you and Frank were up to something?

Huh? Hang on.

Does Frank know that you buddied-up to Don
while he was in the clink?

He doesn't?

He had intel
about the pyramids in Antarctica.

-That's the only reason I approved it.
-Wow-wee!

His best friend, cheating on him
with his worst enemy!

Oh, this is like some bloody
cooker Bermuda love triangle.

Don't you tell Frank.
This could end very badly for me, Edwina.

It's my boat, but it's his big magnet.

OK. I won't tell him,
if you answer my questions, Rog.

I'll lob you a softball to start.

What the f*ck were you up to
on Sunday night?

[Cath] Lynn, Mary,
I just spoke to some fishos.

They all misunderstood the flyer.

They thought it meant Ladies Day-Night,
like the cricket.

So the whole comp's on their way now.

-It's Ladies Day
Night.
-It's a
night event
for Ladies' Day.

[Mary] The DJ doesn't get here till eight!

Well, that's it, Mary. It's over, then.

I guess I'll reunite with my ex-husband.

Maybe he'll stop thinking
it's g*y to wash his bumhole.

Oi, where are you going?

I'm a l*sbian with two l*sbian mothers.
I know what women want.

Thanks, Flora. That's enough.

[woman 1] Danni,
where'd you get that croc?

-What's this bullshit?
-[woman 2] It was dead in the river!

[plays Shania Twain's
"Man! I Feel Like A Woman"]

f*ck' love this song!

♪
Let's go, girls...

[indistinct shouting]

Miki,

-better get down here.
-[women cheer]

[Roger] I wasn't even with Frank
on Sunday night.

Me and Mary came straight home.

This is our doorbell cam,
time-stamped at 21:47.

So? You're just up the road.

You went home, changed your shorts,

met up with Frank at the donga,

and you, uh, did a little night m*rder.

No, I didn't go out again. Just watch.

These cameras go 24/7, 354.

You'll see the footage of the perimeter,
Mary's mini horse doing its bedtime wee.

But on the doorbell camera here,
you won't see me

'cause I'm tucked up in bed
wearing my bloody CPAP.

-What's that?
-CPAP?

That's personal, Edwina. Redacted.
Redact the CPAP.

No, not the f*ck' CPAP! Uh...

Just play the tape.
There's a car driving towards the donga.

Who the f*ck is that?

Wait a minute. I know that logo.

[mutters and swears indistinctly]

Caustic ulcerations.



[Abby] Yeah, I'm sorry, Diane,
but I had to leave work early.

I've got my period. It's a big one.

Hi, Angelo. It's Leo Lee. I'm... police.

I'm making inquiries into a chainsaw
that you recently sold on Marketplace,

so call me back
and I will answer the phone, I guess.

This is a private event.

It's just me.
I can't be out there anymore.

A fisho just vomited into her sleeve.

[Leo] No! Why did I give you my number?

[on video]
Wade! I know you k*lled my dad!

I know you k*lled him!

Look at this, Wade! Croc-block!

[grunts softly]

[Amber] My one night off and I've got to
come and help Pat sort you out!

[DJ] No, it was legendary!

People love me!
I'm like a modern-day Ned Kelly.

[Amber] You've got to forget
Jason Wade, DJ!

[DJ] No, I'm going to destroy him!

-Wait, where are you going?
-Back to the party!

-Get your own way home!
-No!

[Amber] Shona! You seen Tegan?

[women sing along to riff of
"Man! I Feel Like A Woman"]

♪
Let's go, girls...

Excuse-- Excuse me.
'Scuse me. 'Scuse--

-Tegan, move your boobs.
-[laughs]

Oi, Aunty! Where's the salty?

Over there.

-They just came in with it.
-sh*t.

-Do the cops know?
-Nup.

-So you'd better get her out of here.
-Yeah, I'm on it.

Be careful! And if there's trouble,
my Crocs are steel-capped.

[Miki] Thanks! Excuse me.
I need that croc.

-[woman] f*ck off!
-Oi!

You, come here! Bring it back here!

[indistinct]

-[Miki] f*ck' come back!
-[indistinct shouting]

[laughs]
Let a few of these off
for Dad's birthday tonight,

bit of a celebration.

-[Miki] Give her here! Hand her over!
-Alright, alright! Relax. Relax.

[Eddie] Miki!

Nup. I've still got the shits with you.

Looking at my little brother sly-ways,
accusing him of m*rder.

You were at the donga
the night Don was m*rder*d.

I knew something
was f*cking off about you.

When I saw those Fruity Juice wrappers
in your cup holder,

I thought, "Oh, yuck,
that's a bit of a turn-off."

But now I know you had
my geriatric rat dad in your car.

You've f*ck' cracked! I didn't--
Turn-off?

A little bit.

-Well, I wasn't even out at Don's donga.
-Hey! You having a good night?

You drove past Roger and Mary's
doorbell cam!

No, I didn't!

f*ck!

Fine! Get out here!

Listen, I was out there because Don snuck
the donga over the boundary into the DRR,

so I tried to drag it back with my winch.

I only managed to
pull it off its blocks, though,

because Frank was inside, knackered.

What happened then, eh?
Did you give Frank a hand?

Yeah? k*lling Don.

Get that Dungalaba land dispute
wrapped up quick-smart.

Oh, you're accusing
me
now?

-Yeah.
-Are you f*ck' serious?

Don was still here at the pub
when we were at the donga.

Ask Mary, she was on lookout.

Oh, bullshit, Miki! OK?

We have footage of Don at the donga
at 11:30pm.

Flowers told me that Frank
left the pub after her set at 11:15pm.

No, I was driving Frank home by 11:15.

Flowers! Sunday night.

Your set finished at 11:15pm,
Frank left the pub after that, yeah?

Uh, yeah. I forgot that Lynn cut my set
short 'cause I was crying too much,

so I actually finished at nine.

See?

Frank and I were long gone
when Don arrived.

Frank wasn't at the donga
to k*ll Don, Eddie.

He was dropping a dead croc off
at Don's cot.

He was doing croc justice.

Just think it through,
you dumb copper dog f*ck.

Why didn't that useless f*ck tell me
the truth about all this sh*t, then?

Why do you think?

'Cause I was out there
doing something dodgy.

So maybe your geriatric "rat dad"
was trying to protect me from you lot,

because I've got three kids,
and they'll get taken away from me

if I get caught putting
one nubby pinky toe wrong!

f*ck' hell. No, actually, you know what?
f*ck this.

A blackfella didn't k*ll Don Darrell.

Because if blackfellas were bumping off
every land-stealing whitefella,



Of all the settler blow-ins,
I cannot believe that didn't occur to
you.

-f*ck.
-["Man! I Feel Like A Woman"
starts playing]

[Lynn] Tegan, no!
That's why we have the extra toilets!

[women cheering]

Miki!

[engine starts]

Wait! Miki! Wait!

You and Frank didn't do it,
so we're good, yeah? Miki!

[softly] Oh, f*ck!

Ugh!

[Abby] Ma'am, I hired a car
from Rent-A-Shitbox.

I did 150 Ks all the way from Darwin.

I think my engine's fallen out.

I got access to the d*ck-bum,
and I ran a tox report on Don Darrell.

He wasn't drunk.

There was no alcohol
present in his system at all.

-Ma'am?
-What?

Don Darrell was incapacitated
the night he died

because he was poisoned.

[Pat] Detective, this b*llet's
from a police-issue weapon.

[Dulcie] Yeah, it is.

HQ's checking the serial number now.

I knew the backpackers
were driving a white Land Cruiser,

so this was just due diligence
to make sure it's not theirs.

But then it was burnt out
last night, so--

Yeah, I can barely read this VIN
because it's so fire-damaged.

I don't think that's a seven.
I'm going to try a one.

[Dulcie] Why did I listen to Eddie?
The evidence is gone now

because I left it a whole bumming day!

[Pat] Don't stress. We'll figure it out.

Oh! Here we go.

-[sighs]
-Hang on.

That's not the backpackers' car.

Oh, no, no, that can't be right.

Who's the vehicle registered to?

[Pat] How did it get to the DRR?

The last time I saw that vehicle

was the night I pulled
the silly bugger over for drink-driving.

We left the car on the side of the road.

[phone ringing]

Ma'am, Don had colonic ulcerations

from eating red meat
laced with glyphosate.

It's the organophosphorus compound

that's present in weed k*ller.

I think someone put it
in Don's steak cake.

-Found something.
-Agh!

f*ck my arsehole.

This is on DJ's socials.

[DJ, on video]
How youse going?
DJ Darrell, Croc God here.
I just want to introduce...

[Culkin, over phone]
Yeah, Dulcie,
we've run the serial number

on that b*llet.

It was fired from Detective Bushman's g*n.

It matches the round from his skull.

But, Detective,
it was the second b*llet fired.

So... it was fired after Bushy was shot.

Yeah, he couldn't have
fired that shot himself.

Someone else was involved.

Dulce, where did you find that b*llet?

[DJ, on video]
Mate, this is the duckboat.

I'm telling you,
this thing's f*ck' incredible...

[Eddie] Yeah, yeah,
DJ's got an amphibious car.

It's very cool. I've always wanted one.

Stop talking. Look who
Don's talking to in the background.

Who is that?

[Abby] Oh, my God!

It's the Swedish backpackers!

[explosions]

[DJ] He's blown up my shed!

My blowjobs! f*cking Wade!
This isn't over!

[Culkin]
Detective,
Bushy didn't commit suicide.

We're looking at a homicide here.

Where did you find that b*llet?

In a Land Cruiser...

...registered to Eddie.

[theme music plays]

[music ends]