01x07 - Nancy

[bunniefuu]

Well, come on. It's your go.

Where's me pony?

I want to put my pony down,
make it do the jump thing.

I don't know.

All right, Dodge?
You got a penny for me?

I wish I did, love.
I can't even afford it myself.

Lean pickings today.

A lot of hard work for nothing.

It's a shame loot don't fall
out the sky.

I wouldn't be sitting here
if it did.

Give me my pony back.
I ain't got it. Yes, you have.

Come on.

HE SIGHS

I knew it.

It's all wet now! Oh!

Secret door. It's open.

Someone's broke in.

Can't do that. Can't push it.

Well, you can't put it
in your mouth.

Trouble! What kind of trouble?

Someone's broken in.

What? To our gaff?

Nobody knows where it is
apart from us.

Come on!

Well, go on, then.

Come on!

Cowards.

Typical.
Still no grub in the cupboards.

I'm so hungry, I could eat a stove
if it were buttered.

Oi! That's Fagin's chair.

I know.

I nicked it for him.

Nancy?

Hello, Fagin.

Who are we meeting then, sir?
What's with the secrecy?

Sh! Just keep watch and you'll see.

Ah, here they are. Come.

I do love the secret assignation
at short notice.

Your Majesty. If this meeting is
regarding the juvenile assassin...

No, this is a different matter.

Have you heard of the Burmese Star?

Oh, yes, of course, it's one
of your finest jewels.

I have some concerns
about its security.

We seem to have
a thief in the palace.

We already let one servant go
that we suspected,

but it keeps happening.

We can't trust anyone.

It's most likely one of
the riff-raff who works downstairs.

I fear they have their sights set
on my Burmese beauty.

Well, might I suggest that I put
two of my men on the case,

install them in the palace
undercover?

We shall set up a special operation.

Perhaps you can leave the palace
for a few days under some excuse,

and my men can keep an eye
on your staff?

These men of yours,
they must be beyond reproach.

Oh, indeed! Nothing but the best
for you, Your Majesties.

I will put my two
finest men on the case.

Blathers... Sir!

Fetch Thompson and Taggart.

Sir, erm...

How have they broken their legs?

What were they doing on
the roof of Suffolk Cathedral?

A cat?

Never mind. Your Majesty, I will put
my second best men on the case.

Blathers, fetch Dixon and Lewis.

Oh, sir...

In hospital? How?

Who fell on them?

Taggart and Thompson, yes.

Never mind. Who is available?

Oh, well, sir...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Erm...

Leave this with me, Your Majesty.

Ah! Squirrel! Gah!

Oh!

DUFF YELLS

Where is it? Eurgh!
I don't like them!

Training exercise.

YELLING

You, er... You look, er...

..bonnie.

Shame I can't say
the same about you.

Yeah, well, being betrayed
does that to a mush.

Oh, come on, Fagin,
I hardly betrayed you.

Huh! I just grew up, moved on.

Are these your little dippers?

Nice to meet ya, I'm Dodger.

No? It ain't, is it?

Little Tommy?

I go by Tom now.
I done a stretch, as it goes.

Oh, yeah? Last time I saw you,
you were still wetting the bed.

He's not still doing that, is he?
Sometimes.

CHILDREN LAUGH

I do not!

Well, this place ain't changed.
Still a dump.

But I suppose I got too used
to the palace.

The palace? What palace?

Well, the Queen's palace, of course.

Is that where you've come from?
Yeah.

She having us on?
No, God's honest.

I was a royal chambermaid.

See? Girl like me working
for the palace. Not bad, eh?

We need to talk.

Oh, Nanny, there is something
I must tell you.

We're leaving for Windsor
this afternoon.

That's rather unexpected, ma'am.

Yes, well, it's all part of a ploy.

You mustn't say,
I am bound to secrecy.

There's a thief in the palace
and we've got secret agents inside

to find the guilty party. Oh!

Darling, you heard what
the Police Commissioner said.

Well, Nanny's all right.

She's not like the others,
are you, Nanny?

Oh, thank you, ma'am.

The Queen can't have a grown woman
brushing her hair.

She's a grown woman herself.

I shall take over
the royal grooming duties.

Bertie's right, Nanny.

But Your Highness, I have
brushed your hair every day

since you had hair to brush.
Exactly.

Now it's time for me to do it.

No!

Give it to me. No! Ja!

Give it to me!

Give him the brush, Nanny.

Ma'am.

Sir.

You've such wonderful hair, darling.

Swindles! Yes, Your Majesty.

Prepare the royal coach, we are
leaving for Windsor this afternoon.

Certainly, Your Majesty.

A letter would have been nice. Well,
I can't write and you can't read,

so what would have been the point
in that?

Granted.

And even if I could write,
the Queen's royal staff read

everything that goes in and out.

Your life ain't your own,
it's like living in a prison

but with better pillows.

And anyway, I couldn't be seen
mixing with criminals, could I?

What you come back for, then? It's
not to ask after my health, is it?

I'm in the pink, thank you very much
for asking, not that you did.

I got sacked for nicking things
from the palace.

That's my girl. What you nick?
Nothing!

For once. But they still pinned it
on me, didn't they,

just cos I'm from the gutter.

Six years scrubbing that royal
chamber pot, and for what?

Well, do you know what?
I'm not going to let it lie, Fagin.

That's why I've come here.
I want revenge.

Do you, now?

I've thought of a way
to get rich and even,

but I need your kids to do it.
For what?

We're going to steal
the Queen's favourite rock.

The Burmese Star.

FAGIN LAUGHS OUT LOUD

Nancy, you're home.

When I stare into it, Bertie... Hm.

..it's like I can see into
another world.

I'm the queen of there as well.

I'm the queen of nearly everywhere.

Australia, Bermuda, Canada.

There's one for nearly every
letter of the alphabet,

including some places I don't even
know where they are,

like Zanzibar
and Papua New Guinea.

You have such a big empire.

And I will protect it.

There.

Oh, Bertie, you're so clever.

You're always thinking about bridges
and drains and concert halls.

And now this.

How does it work?

It's so complicated.

I can only explain it in German.

Wenn jemand das Juwel vom Samtkissen
hebt, hebt sich das Kissen und

klopft an diesen Hebel, der an einer
Schnur zieht, die unter dem Boden

und durch die Wande verlauft, um sie
an dem Netz von Riemenscheiben

zu befestigen, das eine Reihe von
glocken im glockenraum lautet.

Dies wird jeden im Haushalt darauf
aufmerksam machen,

dass das Juwel gestohlen wurde!

Die Diener werden sofort alle
Ausgange blockieren und der

Dieb wird gefasst!

Clever, Bertie.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come.

Your Majesty,
some visitors to see you.

Officer Blathers and Duff
reporting for duty, Your Majesty.

We have announced to the staff
that we're leaving

for Windsor this evening. You will
have a week to catch the sneak.

You can count on us, ma'am.
Your Majesty.

So I know the palace like
the back of my hand,

what time the guards change, where
Queen Victoria keeps her jewel.

And I've also got a man
on the inside.

Yes, Your Majesty?

All we've got to do is wait
for the Queen to be out of the way,

nip in, nick it, nip out,
nip home and we'll all be rich.

Are you having a laugh?

So you think we're going to strut
into Buckingham Palace,

walk straight through the front
door, nick the Queen's biggest jewel

and then leave scot-free?
You're stupid.

Back door, actually.

And, yeah, it is that easy.

You see, there's a way to move
about inside the palace

without anybody seeing you. How?

The chimneys.

Do you know how many kids die
in them chimneys?

They're like tombs in the sky.

These aren't ordinary kids,
are they, Fagin?

These are your kids

trained to be the best. Right?

It'll be worth it, Fagin,
for a jewel that size.

And think of all the respect we'd
get from the other crims, eh?

Right, we are in.

Now, all we need is
the old chimney sweeps to disappear

and this lot to take their place.

Disappear?

Well, you know me, Nancy,
I don't do violence.

But I do know somebody who does.

Bullseye! Bullseye! Quiet!

BANGING ON DOOR

Bullseye... Sh!

What do you want?

Nancy. All right, Bill?

Ugly as ever.

DOG BARKS

Eurgh! Sorry about that.

Bullseye had some bad gammon.

Bless him!

Welcome to my gaff.
It ain't much, but, you know...

Yeah, I've been meaning
to decorate the walls with

whatever you decorate walls with.
Pictures.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And not only that, I've got a plan,
move some things around.

I was thinking about moving
this table, right, from here...

..to here. Nice.

Do you want to have a sit down?

You, er, you hungry?
Do you want a wittle?

Erm... I've got some pie.

Well, there was pie.
I've eaten most of it.

It was either me or the rats.

Only joking, there's only a couple.

Apple? Oh. Oh, well, sorry.

It's all right, Bill.

Thanks anyway.

Here you are, Bullseye.

It's been a long time.

What can I do you for?

Fagin said if I needed anybody
sorting out, I was to come to you.

Who? The Royal Chimney Sweep.

How much damage can I do?

No damage. Oh, come on.

Not even a brain wallop
or a rib dig? No.

All we need to do is put him
out of action for a few hours,

nab his brushes. Shame.

Read all about it. Shut up!

Oi, mush.

I'm looking for Chubby Cruttons,
the chimney sweep.

I heard his gaff's
around here somewhere.

Well, it'll cost you.

How about a pound?

A fist?

If you don't tell me
where he is now.

No.

I don't do business with bullies,
pick on someone your own size.

I've tried.

There ain't no-one my size.

No, I mean it. All I get is horrible
people like you asking me for this,

asking me for that.

When's anyone going to think
about me for a change?

Sometimes I think about my life,

and I say to myself,
what do we do it for?

You're born, you beg, you sweep,
you die.

What's the point, eh?

I mean, knowing my luck,

I'll be sweeping the streets
of heaven, if I get there.

Which I won't, cos...

..I lie and...

..I accidentally trod on a snail
once, which makes me a m*rder*r.

Are you finished? Yeah. Sorry,
I had to get it off my chest.

You know, having one of them days.

Oh, look, what a coincidence,
that's him coming now.

Mr Cruttens? Who's asking? Me.

Ouch! I'm taking that.

Here, I got something for you.
This will perk you up.

Have a nice new brush, eh?

Cor, it's a beauty. Ain't it just?

BILL LAUGHS

Ta-ta.

CRUNCH

Only gone and trod on another snail.

Right, look, fourth chimney along,
that's the one we need to go down

to get into the Queen's bedroom.
That's where she keeps the sapphire.

The chimney is the only way in
because the doors will be locked

and there's always footmen
patrolling the corridor.

Who's going up the chimneys?
Can't all go.

She's the smallest. Me?

Her lungs ain't up to scratch.

She's not actually sweeping it.

Look, all you've got to do
is climb up it.

Can't be any worse than you had
down Tottenham Court Road.

What about the rest of us?

Dodger and Tom, you're going in
with Tang.

We need the palace to think
you're all pukka sweeps. Girls,

you'll come with me.

Now let's go before we're seen.

I'm not scared of a chimney, honest.

Come on.

Oh! Just stop fidgeting.

Oh, God. Duff, Duff!

What? Stop fidgeting.

I can't help it.
I've got dodgy lugholes.

Stop shouting!

Ah, I can't hear buttons.

Ssh. Be quiet. What?

Stop shouting.

I've got something in my...
water in my ear.

You two, come with me.
Yes, sire.

What did he say?

Go.

Get upstairs.

HE CLAPS HANDS

Come!

Footman number one.

That's you.

You will patrol the roof
and footman number two,

you will watch the bell.

You.

Do not take your eyes off it,
not for one instant.

If you have to blink,

do it quickly.

If the bell rings, that means
the jewel has been lifted,

which means you raise merry hell!

Very well. Ja?

HE MUTTERS

Oh, not fair.

Why have I got a boring job
staring at a bell?

I want to be in the rooms
with all the gold stuff.

That's what I'm trained to do.
That is a good job

and that is an important job.

All right? Now, I'm going
up on the roof, but you watch

the bell, all right?

And, Duff, Duff, Duff!

Duff. Duff!

MUFFLED: Duff! Duff!

Duff! Duff! Duff!

Don't take your eye off that bell.

All right?

Those are my morning dresses.

Those are my afternoon dresses,
that's for my collection of pipes,

those are my evening dresses
and those are my dresses

for parties and dancing.
Hmm.

What is this trunk for?

I don't know.
And I don't care.

I just like the look of it.

So are you ready to leave now?

Just waiting for Nanny.

We're not taking her with us,
are we?

She goes everywhere with me.

She thinks she owns you.

It's not healthy.

You don't need a nanny any more.

Nanny is part of the furniture.

She certainly is.

And like a piece of old furniture,
she needs to be got rid of.

It's either me or her.

Oh, very well, Bertie.

You win, you're always right.

I'm ready, ma'am.

I do love a trip to Windsor.

Why is she wearing
her outer garments?

She's not coming with us. Ma'am?

Sorry, Nanny.

Bertie and I would like
some time alone.

Swindles!

Is our carriage ready?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Good. Now when I come back, I want
to see this place spotless, cleaned

from top to bottom.

Of course, Your Majesty,
I will personally ensure

that it is completely cleaned out.

You can trust me, Your Majesty.

Daffodils? Leafy things.

Hello, sir.

Fancy a posy for your buttonhole?

I do.

Got the sweeps sorted.

The Queen is leaving for Windsor
tonight.

Got to move fast.

That is lovely, sir.

Yellow's your colour.

We're on. Flower, miss? Flowers?
Flowers?

Minnie, pour us a drink.

None of that watered down stuff.

I know your game.
What are you talking about?

If you've come to mess Fagin over,
you'll have me to answer to.

I'm quaking in my boots.

What are you going to do,
brain me with your tankard?

I saw the way he was
when you ran off.

What do you mean?
He weren't right for months.

He thought some 'arm had come
to you.

We all know what he went through
years back.

We all know why he's the way he is.

Aw, and why do you care?
You got a soft spot for him?

Oh! Husband number three, is it, eh?

I'm just thinking about my pocket.

When he's moping around, he ain't
working. I like getting my rent.

If he suffers, I suffer.

I've known you a long time,
Nancy girl, and a leopard

don't change its dots.

I'll get a drink somewhere else,
shall I? Yeah.

BANGING

Wakey-wakey, rise and shiney.

You've got a palace to rob
this morning.

No time to waste.

Get suited up, get going.

Heh, heh, hey-hey. Ya!

You Nancy's pals?

Yeah.

Hurry up. Clock's ticking.

I hope you know what you're doing,
because I'm not pulling you

out that chimney, dead or alive.

He seems nice.

Come on.

Stay off that marble.

Watch it!

All right, start with
this fireplace.

Little one, you get up in there,
go on.

Don't be scared,
you know what to do.

Mr Swindles! Are these your usual
chimney sweeps?

Oh, no, Mr Cruttens and his lads
usually do the chimneys. Ah.

Where is Mr Cruttens? Holiday.

Sick. Dead. Accident.

Yes. He had an accident and took
a holiday to recover... In France.

Yes, in France, where he...
Got sick. And died.

Yes.

So he won't be coming back.

His was a hard life.

God rest his soul.

I'm warning you,
don't be pilfering anything.

You'll be searched thoroughly
on your way out.

As you were.

Yes, Your Majesty.

That was the police. What?

Yeah, he's right.

He showed up with another fellow,
gormless-looking,

stocky thing, is he plod too?
Yeah.

Oh, they're spying on us.

All right, he's in the bell room.

I'll keep him busy.

Get up that chimney!

Go on, steal that jewel!

All right, all right, hurry.

You know what to do.
Go up the chimney.

Get on the roof.
Fourth chimney along.

Climb down. Get the jewel. Get out.

I don't like it, it's really dark.

You heard what Swindles said,
now get up there.

I'll be right behind you.

Go on. Hurry up.

Excuse me, sir.

DOOR BANGS

PANTING

COUGHING

Help. Help, Dodger. Help!

It's OK, Tang.

Dodger, I'm stuck.
I'm coming after you.

Dodger, help! Help!

Dodger, help!

Get me out. Get me out.

I'm coming, Tang.

Don't panic.

Help.

HE GROANS

Don't move!

Help, Dodger, help!

I'm coming. I've got you.

Keep coming.

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

All right, listen, listen.
Go back up there, all right?

I'm not going up again.
That copper bloke smells a rat

and he's going to be down here
to check our chimney work.

So get up there!
You can't make me. Yes, I can!

Stop!

I'll go. You're too big.

You'll get stuck there, and I ain't
pulling your skellington out.

You won't have to.

I'm the Artful Dodger, and I can
dodge a bit of chimney dust.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

HE SIGHS

HE GRUNTS

I don't see why we have
to come back so soon.

Windsor is boring.

Anyway, I want to see
if they've caught the thief.

But the police have not
had long enough.

Nonsense.

They've got their best men on it.

HE SIGHS

Phew.

DODGER COUGHS

Did you get it?

Not yet.
What are you waiting for?

The police, they're on the roof!

I'm telling you they know something,
we need to get out.

We need to call the whole thing off.
No!

We won't get this chance again.

This has taken months of planning.

Me and Nance had it all sewn up.

Now don't muck it up and get up
that chimney!

It's the only way to do it.

All right.

Fourth one along...

COUGHING

Your Majesty, you're back.

It looks like it, doesn't it?

What are you doing?

We, we haven't, we haven't
finished the...the cleaning.

I don't care.

You can clean around me,
I'm going to my room.

But it's...it's not ready yet.

Your Highness.

Get out of my way.

Awful man, you should get
rid of him.

What are we going to do? Dodger!

Dodger, can you hear us! Dodger!

Dodger! Dodger. You stay 'ere.

If Dodger gets caught,
we're in serious trouble.

DOOR OPENS

Hm, everything seems to be in order.

Hmm.
My jewel's still safe.

Whoa, light the fire,
would you, Bertie?

Oh, ahh.

I need a kiss, Bertie.

No, no.

SHE GIGGLES

Remember, if you get stuck
up a chimney and they light a fire,

if in doubt, pee it out.

THEY GIGGLE

Come on, please.

LIQUID TRICKLES

Ohhhh!

Oh, you oaf, Bertie,
you didn't light it properly.

Oh, let me check.

That's strange.

It's wet and damp.

What's that smell?

Smells like sauerkraut.

Let's go somewhere warmer.

We can find another room.

There are 40 to choose from.

So exciting, let's go.

I'm so tired,
can't keep my eyes open.

Three?

Here, miss, would you like
a flower?

What's taking him so long?

BELL RINGS

RINGING REVERBERATES

Oh, my bell! That's my bell! Oh!

My bell is ringing!

Someone is trying to steal
the Burmese Star!

RINGING

That weren't meant to happen,
come on!

SNORING

Schnell, you incompetent fool!
Quick!

RINGING CONTINUES

Don't hurt me!

Please, don't hurt me!

Oh, put the vase down! Never!

I came for the jewel
and I'm leaving with it.

Aaaargh!

HE GROANS

Help me, help me.

There he is.

My trap, it worked!

HE LAUGHS

No, it didn't, look!

The Burmese Star is gone!

Right, get ready, girls.

Come on, Dodger.

I got it. I got it!

I'll look after that.

Well, what did he look like?

Tall man, six foot.

A giant!

Fat! I don't know how he got in.

All right, leave it with me.
I'm in fact an officer of the law.

I'm undercover.

What way did he go?
He went that way. That way?

DOOR SLAMS

COUGHING

I did it.

A six foot giant can't hide.

Because he's a giant. A giant.

Six foot high.

Oi!

Not so fast.

What's in your pockets?

I ain't got no pockets.

What's in your hat, then?

Nothing.

All right.

What's in your pockets?

I haven't got any.

What's this? Eh?
It's a cheese sandwich.

I saved it for later.

No ham? No. Just cheese?
Just cheese.

What's in your pocket?

I don't have any.

Just because you're little doesn't
mean that you can't do crime.

I'm not that little.

What's in your 'at?

Nothing. Nothing.

All right.

Well, be on your way then.

Ah, cor, your chimneys are filthy.

Yeah.

Yeah, last lot that did them were
terrible. Terrible, terrible.

Yeah, bad, really bad.

Ha, yeah, well,
thank you for your service.

Yeah. Yeah. Best be off.

I'll show them out.
All right.

Bye-bye.

COUGHING

Sorry.

Open the gates.

We seem to have a thief
in the palace.

You can't trust anyone.

Where is Mr Cruttens? Holiday. Sick.
Dead. Accident.

The chimney sweeps!

The chimney sweeps!

It's the chimney sweeps!

Close those gates!

Go, go, go!

Close the gates!

Watch out.

They're getting away!

Stop!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Get out of the way!

Come on, come on, sir.

Read all about it,
child criminal known as Dodger

steals jewel from Buckingham Palace,

and newspaper seller
knocks off early.

We did it. What?

We DID IT!

You robbed the palace?

I knew you were well taught,

but that is the pinnacle
of pinnacles.

This will go down in history books.

It's a shame you can't read them.

Oh, well, wasn't that hard.

Well, come on then.

Who's got the sparkler?

Nancy.

Nancy?

Look at that.

Let me feel the weight. Uh-uh.

I don't trust you.

Your pathetic little helpers nearly
messed up the whole thing.

I've never seen such a scraggy
bunch of pickpockets.

You said you was well-connected
in the criminal world.

I am.

So you better watch it.

Always bragging about all
these professionals you know.

I didn't think you was going
to hook me up with that lot.

They looked like they'd blown in on
a workhouse wind. We were lucky

we all got away with it.

Could train a sock to do
a better job than them.

I'd love to see the face
of this Fagin fella

you've been banging on about
when he realises what you've done.

His kind deserve all they get.

Swindles.

What?

GRUNTS AND SHOUTS

Aaaaaaah!

DOOR SHUTS

Scraggy little pickpockets, eh?

I knew we shouldn't have
trusted her!

Hello, Nancy.
Sorry, I'm late.

Just a little bit of business
to sort out. Oh!

Are you ready?

Wait for it.

Look at that.

EVERYONE GASPS

What do you think?
Give it here.

Fagin.

What are you doing?

EVERYONE SCREAMS

What...? What have you done?

It's a fake!

It ain't worth a fart.

Waste of my time!

You mean I went up that

dirty chimney just
to steal a bit of glass?

Well, at least for a few minutes,
we knew what it felt like

to be rich, eh?

Oi, Charley, I got something for ya.

Something special.

Cheese sandwich, thanks.

Don't eat it!

Why not?

There's something inside.

Oh! I told you, have a look.

I saw it and I nicked it just for
you. I thought it'd really suit ya,

instead of that necklace thing
you got on.

Anyway, it looks lovely, doesn't it?

It's all buttery, but thanks.

Hang on a second, Jack.

It's probably fake, like
everything else in that palace.

Oh, yeah!

Never mind.

Fat lot of good you did.

I don't know what to say,
Your Majesty. I don't know

how this could have happened.

Out, out, get out.

I never want to see you again.

Oh.

Your jewel.

Fear not, Bertie.

I have a secret.

There are two Burmese Stars
and it's the fake

that thief has stolen.

As if I would leave
my shining star out

in the open like an ordinary star
up in the sky

where everyone can see it.

Ha, ha!

No, I keep the real one right here.

Oh! It's gone.

Who on earth could have taken it?

FAGIN SIGHS

Suppose you're going to do
your disappearing act again.

Might do. Might not.

Well, if you do, just let me know,

so I don't spend days
dredging rivers for ya.

The thing is, Fagin,

now I've got nowhere else to go.

Oh, right.

You going to toe the line?
Yeah.

Will ya sleep in the kennel?

Yeah.

It's nice to have you back.

Huh.

Duff!

Duff!

Duff! Duff!

What have I missed?