01x02 - The Dress

[bunniefuu]

- Thank you. Good night.

- Night.

At last.

Yes, I am sure.

- You sure about what?

- Nothing.

Thanks for coming at such short notice.

- I know you don't usually work nights.

- That's all right.

Alonso has saved some

chocolate gâteau for Poppy.

Yes, lovely.

Oh, Alonso. Thank you. That's

amazing. She's gonna love that.

Well, then marry me. I cook, you

eat. We're perfect for each other.

That is That's an interesting offer.

I'll just discuss that

with your wife, will I?

Just take him. He's yours.

Word of warning, he's

got a very hairy back.

- Really?

- You not staying for drinks?

I can't. I've gotta go and

drop something off, but thanks.

See you later, all right?

- All right. Night, Lisa.

- Night. Thanks.

Yeah.

All right.

I hate it when I miss

her bedtime. Was she okay?

Yeah. She passed out

pretty much straightaway.

She was a bit upset though?

Nah, she was fine.

Could you at least lie

and pretend that she did?

Right. Sorry.

Yeah, no, now that you mention

it, no, she was a little bit

Too late. Okay, look,

I'll be home soon. I've gotta drop

something at Aunt Em's before tomorrow.

- What, now?

- Yeah.

Sorry, I don't really have a choice.

But just, seriously, go to sleep.

- Yeah. Okay then.

- Thanks.

It's just that I've just

finished my new video, yeah.

I was hoping to show it to you

before I uploaded it to the channel.

Really?

Yeah. You know, I could

always send it over.

You know, you could watch it on the bus.

Yeah. Yeah, that would be great.

I better go, but look, I'll

be home before you know it.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Night.

- Night.

Wait, wait, wait! Hang on!

For fu

Hard floors? Simple.

The SC 3 Upright EasyFix Steam Mop

is the only mop you'll ever

need for your sealed hard floors,

thanks to its simple to use

three-step flow control system.

The SC 3 EasyFix can remove

the most stubborn of stains

and 99% of household bacteria.

And with a heat-up

time of only 30 seconds,

the EasyFix is ready to

operate in no time at all.

Just steam it, clean it, done.

The SC 3 Upright EasyFix cleaner.

What are you waiting for?

Hello, Vedge-fans, and welcome

back to another edition of

Unboxing for Unboxers.

Today, I'll be reviewing a

product that every unboxer needs

if you wanna be taken seriously,

the Sharptooth Box

Blade 32AA box cutter.

Not to be confused with

the Sharptooth Box Blade 32.

I mean, it is the crème

de la crème of box cutters.

- Man, don't even

- Fascinating.

- Okay, so let's talk specifics.

- Oh, my gosh.

- The sleek, ergonomic

- Idiots.

Bailey, did you hear what he said?

- What you talking about?

- and it also creates grip, okay?

Secondly, let's talk

about ceramic coating.

- Hey!

- Hello.

- Okay, spill it.

- What?

You've obviously got something

you wanna tell me. So, out with it.

How did you get all

that from just "hello"?

'Cause I'm fluent in Danny.

Are you on a bus?

Yeah.

At half 11:00?

- It's kind of a long story.

- Well, I'm not going anywhere.

Well, basically, my

Aunt Em died recently.

- Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

- Yeah.

- Were you close?

- Yeah, we were actually.

- Give me my shoe.

- No.

I wasn't always the most

popular girl at school.

- Missed again.

- Can I have it?

- Just catch the thing.

- Stop!

- If you want it, take it.

- Yes.

No need to cry about it.

Lisa, whatever's the matter?

But she was always there for me.

Glacier movements happen by the

process of abrasion, plucking and

Anyone else?

Can I help you?

I wouldn't have thought so.

Which one of you is Melanie Bent?

Right.

I mean, her methods could

be a little bit unorthodox.

Get off. What're you doing?

- You're lucky I'm a pacifist.

- Get off!

But she was a hero to me.

And so generous.

Like, for my graduation, she

lent me her favorite dress.

This green satin one.

I loved that dress.

But then I maybe sort of

forgot to give it back.

- You stole it?

- Little bit, yeah.

No way. I'm not having that. No way.

It wasn't my fault. I was really

forgetful when I was younger.

Right. So what's that got to

do with you being on a bus?

Okay, well, apparently Aunt

Em left strict instructions

as to what she wanted to be buried in.

- A coffin?

- Obviously a coffin.

I mean, she wanted to be

buried wearing the dress.

- And the funeral's this week.

- So what are you gonna do?

- The right thing.

- Yeah? You're gonna come clean?

- No.

- No.

No, I've got the dress with me now.

I'm taking it to Aunt Em's house.

I'm gonna hide it, but hide

it really, really badly.

And then tomorrow, they'll find it,

and then everyone will

live happily ever after.

Except Aunt Em, obviously.

Yeah. What were you

gonna tell me earlier?

Oh, yeah.

You remember that dating app

that you signed me up for?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, I got a match.

Really?

Yes, really. Can you

not sound so surprised?

- Well, what's her name?

- Amy.

Okay. Well, that's great news.

Yeah, it's good. But what happens next?

You just send her a

message and say, "Hey."

No, I can't do that.

I can't get away with just a "hey".

I'm not a "hey" kind of person.

Oh, my God, you're

overthinking this. Trust me.

- Do you think?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Go on.

- Okay.

- Sent.

- Okay.

Well done.

She hasn't responded.

Why hasn't she responded?

That's you with the "hey".

- "Do a little 'hey'."

- It's been a minute. Give it a moment!

- It's her.

- Well?

Okay. She wrote "hey" back.

That's it. And then "How was your day?"

There you go. That's a

good start, isn't it?

Okay. Now tell her what

you got up to today.

- I don't think I wanna do that.

- Why? What did you get up to today?

I don't wanna tell you

either. You'll think I'm weird.

- Danny, I already think you're weird.

- That's fair.

So?

Well

I tried to make a bust of

Michael Fassbender's head

- out of some Blu Tack.

- Excuse me, what?

This is him in X-Men.

Why did you do that?

I was in an arty mood. And I

just have way too much Blu Tack.

Yeah, you're right. Definitely

don't tell her about that.

Then what do I do?

Well, just be yourself.

Okay. Yeah, good point.

Be almost yourself and just, like,

trim away the weird, little edges.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I could do that.

- Are you talking about me?

- White suit, trousers Yes.

Danny, can I call you back?

No, you can't. Please.

No. What do I say to her?

Yeah. I'll check in, I ju

You're meant to be my girl.

- Did you just shush someone?

- Yeah, I did just shush someone.

I don't think I've ever shushed

anyone in my life. My legs are shaking.

I've never shushed anyone either. I

wish I was someone that could shush.

I'm a bit jealous.

- Danny, I've really gotta go.

- No. Don't go.

- No. Wait. Don't

- I'll call you back. Good luck.

No. Lisa, no, plea I

So, in terms of color, it comes in red,

black, silver, green, lime green.

Doesn't come in purple,

which I thought was a shame.

Do it.

"Not bad. Thanks."

"How about you?"

The recommended retail price is

higher than we all expected with this.

But with the addition of

the tape blade down here

and an additional blade that

can replace this blade once

it's been overused, you know what it

- Sorry. Have you seen a bag?

- There wasn't one here when I got on.

Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.

Hi.

- Hey. How's it going?

- Yeah. Good, good.

- Is that my dress?

- Which dress?

The dress you're wearing.

- This dress?

- Yeah.

Right. No, I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure it's my dress.

Right. Okay, I'll put it

another way. That is my dress.

Right. But I'm pretty sure it's

my dress. That's weird, isn't it?

Right. But I think we both

know that it's not, don't we?

Then how comes I'm wearing it?

Okay. You've had your fun.

Now it's time to give the dress back

Right. Okay. Yeah. Okay, I see what

this is about. I'm really sorry that

You can't just

Okay.

- You won't believe it

- She wants to meet up.

- What?

- Amy. She wants to meet up in real life.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe this is the thing that

you need to get back out there.

But I don't wanna be back out

there. That's why I'm in here.

Maybe you could invite

her round to yours.

- What? Like, won't she be in my flat?

- Well, yeah.

No, I don't think so. What if

You know, what if it goes well?

- What if she wants to get intimate?

- I mean,

do you need me to cover

this with you as well?

- No, of course not. It's just

- Good.

If I remember correctly,

when, you know

- Yeah.

- you know.

- What?

- You have to get naked.

Oh, yeah. No, no, I actually

I put on more clothes.

It's just Listen.

Don't spread this to anyone.

- When I was showering this morning

- Yeah?

washing a personal place,

Okay.

- I found a mound.

- A mound?

- I think it might be cancerous.

- Danny

- Actually, I know it's cancerous.

- No, it's not cancerous. What?

- Would you take a look?

- What?

Not like that. I just have

I've taken a photo on my phone.

- If you could take a look at it

- No, I will not.

Go and see a doctor.

Yeah. No, well, I have.

Sort of. Basically,

I used to send a lot of photos to my

doctor. You know, save me going in.

- Right.

- Over the years,

I may have sent quite a lot, and

she ended up sort of blocking me.

Luckily, my neighbor

Adam offered to help out.

Please, do come in.

Take a seat, please, Adam.

Cheers.

Okay. What appears to be the problem?

Hold that thought.

Hi, Doctor. L-Listen to this.

For some reason, I can

no longer taste pineapple.

At first I thought it was a bad

pineapple, but very recently,

I've had another, and still

I can't taste anything.

Okay.

Let's just try this

one last time, shall we?

Please do let me know

if there's any part of this

that you struggle to understand.

- Yep.

- Go away.

Go away.

- She threw you out?

- Well, technically she threw Adam out.

You know? Look, if I just send you

this photo, please just take a look.

And then tell me if it's

something or nothing.

- Yes. Okay. I'll take a look at it.

- Yeah? Serious?

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

- There. It's sent. Are you okay?

- No, I'm not okay.

- Someone's stolen my dress.

- I thought you stole your dress.

No, I mean here. Right now.

They're wearing it in front of me.

Let's have a look.

Oh, yeah. He can really pull it off.

Danny! Look, I need your help.

- Okay, have you confronted him?

- Of course I confronted him.

- And what happened?

- He shushed me.

The shushee becomes the

shusher. A classic move.

Oh, my God. You're

not helping me at all.

Okay, I've got it.

You could start crying.

No. I don't want to cause a scene.

Lisa, he's the one causing a scene.

You need to expose him. Drag

his crimes out into the light,

and then make a podcast

about the whole ordeal.

- What?

- What I mean is,

you need to get the

whole bus on your side.

People love getting

outraged at this stuff.

Yeah, you're right. You're

right. I'm gonna bloody do it.

You are gonna do it. I

can see it on your face.

I'm gonna do it. I'm

gonna cause a scene.

- You're gonna do it.

- I'm bloody going.

You're gonna She's gone.

Hello. Hi, everyone.

Sorry, I just wanted you all to know

that we have a thief on this bus.

This person has stolen my dress.

See that? That's the kind of

dress I wanted for my birthday.

Well, then why tell me

perfume? I'm not a mind reader.

Look, sorry, I know it's late and

everyone just really wants to get home,

but I'd very much appreciate your help.

Somebody must have seen something.

- Anybody?

- Sorry, I don't mean to interfere

Oh, no, please do. Please interfere.

But if that's not his dress,

then where are his other clothes?

Well, I mean, obviously

it's gonna be under

Hey!

Come on now. Obviously

- What do you think you're doing?

- Actually, do you know what?

You are interfering.

If you wouldn't mind

staying out of it, that would be great.

Thank you.

Don't worry, love. I'll believe ya!

Thank you.

Bloke wearing a dress.

Disgusting, if you ask me.

Oh, no.

Okay, no one listen to him.

He's I'm not We're not

We are not on the same team.

Of course, I believe that

anyone should be allowed to wear

- whatever they wanna wear.

- Great. Thanks.

Yeah, just, in this situation,

that actually is my dress.

Our plumber wears lipstick.

I still give him fruitcake.

No, that's not

No.

Hey, how'd it go?

Yeah, not great. I pretty much

turned most of the bus against me.

But you were meant to

turn them against him.

- I know that. Thanks, Danny.

- It's okay.

Okay? We'll think of something.

While we're thinking, I don't suppose

you could tell me that

I don't have cancer?

I already told you I don't

think you have cancer.

Yeah, but what did it look like to you?

Well, I don't know. It

hasn't come through yet.

What do you mean? I sent it

to you ages ago. You should

- What?

- Oh, no.

- Danny, what? What?

- Oh, no. God, no.

Amy. I sent the picture to Amy.

Well, don't laugh.

- What are you laughing for?

- Okay, well, that's fine.

No, it's not fine. In

what world is this fine?

It's bold.

It's saying,

- "Do you know what? Screw small talk."

- Yeah.

- "Let's just cut to the chase."

- To the chase.

"Do you like my body? Also,

do you think I have cancer?"

And if the answer is

'yeah' and then 'no, '

- "let's just bloody get together."

- Together.

Look, the upside is,

if she gets back to you, you

know you've found a keeper.

No, Lisa, if she gets back to me,

she should be certified insane.

Yeah. Well, then that's another

thing you have in common.

You idiot.

So, this is your forever, is it?

You in this flat.

Do it.

Okay. Yeah. That's not so bad.

Jesus Christ!

Hey. You don't know how to ask a pigeon

to leave your flat by

any chance, do you?

What?

Never mind.

- You okay?

- Not really.

Did Amy get back to you?

Funnily enough, she didn't.

- This way.

- Oh, no. Sorry.

Did you get your dress back?

No, I did not.

Look, there's gotta be

something you can do.

There's not. I've got nothing.

I just wish Aunt Em was here. She'd

know what to do in this situation.

Well, given what you've

told me about her,

she would have just ripped

the dress off his back, right?

Get off.

Never let the b*stards win, Lisa.

Of course.

- Oh, my God, that's it.

- What?

Okay, come with me.

Well, where are we going?

Could you move, please? This is my stop.

I just want to let you know

that you are a horrible person,

and that you have

dragged me down to this.

And I want everyone here and everyone

who's going to watch this online

to know that what is about to happen

next is because of this person.

Yeah. Screw you, man. Sorry,

I didn't catch your name.

Tyler.

Thanks. Screw you, Tyler.

Yeah. Screw you, Tyler.

Would you please point

this at me? It's recording.

- What?

- Danny will explain.

- What's happening?

- I don't know.

I think we're just supposed

to do what we're told.

Are we ready?

No!

Okay.

I'll keep going.

He's uncomfortable.

Okay.

- What you doing?

- This isn't worth the hassle, man.

Look, it's getting pretty

cold out there,

so if you're gonna be a nutter about it,

then you should probably take this.

Thank you very much.

I've got some extra clothes

with me anyway. So

Thought you might.

Piss off.

Oh, come on.

Bye.

- Better luck next time.

- Whatever.

Oh, my God. Did you see me?

That is the coolest thing

I think I have ever done.

Yeah. It was amazing.

- Oh, sh*t. This isn't my stop.

- What?

What was that?

Trust me. You don't wanna know.

Tell me again how this

isn't breaking and entering.

Because I'm using a key.

Will you just relax? I'll

be in and out in a minute.

Then I've gotta get back and find my

shoes before someone puts them on eBay.

Look, I'll call you back when I'm done.

You've gotta be kidding me.

- I have some excellent news.

- Hit me.

It's just an ingrown hair.

- What?

- Amy, she got back to me.

No. Seriously?

Trust me, nobody's more

surprised than I am.

Okay, well, what did she say?

Well, just that it's a beautiful,

nonlethal, ingrown hair.

I'm not dying, Lisa.

Well, that is great, Danny.

Hold on. What are you wearing?

Well, it turns out that most of

Aunt Em's stuff was in storage,

so now I'm dressed like a '70s sofa.

No, it's a good look. A strong look.

Yeah, whatever. All right, I better go.

- Same time next time?

- Same time next time.

See you later.

Hello, again.

Rest in peace, you crazy bird.

Godspeed, little guy.

You've got to be kidding me.