02x02 - Long Time, No See

[bunniefuu]

- I'm embracing this.

- How do you mean?

My sh**t dates have

changed again, and location.

What, no South Africa?

- No, Italy now.

- Still nice.

So, I'm embracing the fact

that I have no control over events,

and I am going to welcome the role

that chaos needs to play in my life.

Right, how are you doing that?

The game is happening,

but it's being played far away,

by unknowable strangers.

Out of sight, out of mind.

We should quit.

What?

It's a young man's game, isn't it?

I'm only 50!

We could do other things.

You have zero discernible skills,

beyond pretending.

Is there something else

you were going to do,

- if you hadn't ended up doing this?

- I was going to be a footballer.

- I was!

- Yeah.

Yeah, I could have been

a minister of the church.

Yeah? No, no problem with the cassock?

Not having kilted!

Of course!

When one has welcomed the breeze

to dust one's lower branches,

there's there's no going back.

No, well, you need to do something

to keep the flies off your haggis.

Exactly, yeah.

The priest and the footballer.

Yeah. You might struggle a bit,

at first.

Why?

Well, you know, you're not in

you're not, you don't,

you're not in the

absolute kind of

optimum state of physical peak.

Oh! I will have you know,

I'm a f*cking paragon

of human fitness, mate!

- Are you?

- What about you?

You would need a total

spiritual overhaul.

Has this ever happened to you before?

- Once.

- You got recast?

- I did.

- Who by?

- Don't want to say.

- But you know?

I know.

- Well, come on.

- No, can't.

Why not?

Because I am doing something about it.

- What?

- Can you keep a secret?

Evidently.

I am befriending him,

slowly and methodically,

engineering ways for us

to work together,

insinuating my way into his life,

the better to exact my slow

and decisive revenge.

- Hi!

- Hello!

Nina! Hello!

Hi! Oh, God, it's lovely to see you.

Oh, it's lovely to see you, too!

Ah, this is exciting!

It's really exciting.

More Staged!

- More Staged!

- Yay!

- Oh!

- Oh, my word! How have you been?

Yeah, good, I think.

Yeah, great. And you?

I'm fine. Strange, you know?

Yeah, I suppose it is!

Erm, I was offered a play.

Oh, great!

And then, yeah, we weren't allowed

to do the play.

- Right.

- It's difficult.

Sure.

- No, I understand.

- Yeah, and I feel like, sometimes,

you know, I want to k*ll someone.

- But I won't.

- No, best not.

No.

Cos I should have been an astronaut.

- Was that not an option?

- No.

How are you?

- Good.

- Actually, where are you?

Oh, er, ha-ha!

I'm in Los Angeles.

Er, what are you doing there?

Getting ready to film.

Oh, exciting! What?

What have you been told?

Well, erm, actually, not much.

- "Doing more Staged."

- Uh-huh.

"They want you for Jo again."

Er, "Can you talk to Simon?"

Well, OK, so there's a couple of things

that you should have been told

that it seems you haven't been told.

And what are they?

Er, well, so, it's not a sequel,

- it's a sort of remake

- Oh, OK.

for the American market,

and the most crucial thing,

and I'm sort of a bit sorry

that I've got to be the one

to tell you this,

but we're going to be doing it

without, er, David,

or, and, er, Michael.

Why?

Er, so, er, the producers

don't think that they are

quite big enough names

for the American market.

But I am?

Well, you're not the lead. That's

True!

That is not quite what I sort of

meant, I sort of meant, well,

you sort of are the lead

But you've managed

to keep yourself involved?

Er, well, yeah, cos I sort of

created it last time,

and sort of directed that, er,

that sort of version of it, so

You'll be directing this time?

- Er, n er, no, no, I'm not.

- Why not?

Er, because people don't think

I actually did anything

last time.

I mean, I thought David and

Michael improvised most of it,

- didn't they?

- No, no, no, they didn't, did they?

They didn't do that.

They didn't improvise it, did they?

I-I wrote it, didn't I?

I typed the whole thing.

Look, I've got pieces of blue card,

I wrote I write the thing,

and then I put them on the wall,

and then I write, write,

write, write, write,

and we don't say that they wrote it,

or improvised it, cos they didn't,

did they? We don't say that,

did they? Cos they didn't.

Do David and Michael know?

Wow.

Ah, sh*t!

Can you move this suitcase?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Cos I don't think the hallway should

be used as an obstacle course.

No, I've just been feeding the goldfish.

- We never got another one.

- No, you didn't.

- We had two and now we've got one.

- Agreed.

That's how death works.

And maths.

I'm worried that the one

that's left behind's

- getting a wee bit depressed.

- Oh, I don't have time for this.

What do you mean?

Well, it's just I sense

that you were segueing into

some tangent about short-term

memory, and I just don't

- I haven't got time to play.

- You love my tangents!

Yeah, sure,

it's just that Lister's coming.

- Today?

- Yeah.

What, right now?

Yeah, for a charity thing.

Like, in the flesh, like,

Zoom doesn't cut it any more?

Yeah.

- Normality beckons, babe.

- Is that safe?

Yeah, I think so,

I mean, we stay a certain

distance apart, and use our own mugs

and don't stick our hands

in the cookie jar at the same time,

and, oh, also, more importantly,

we don't crack our heads open by

tripping over your f*cking suitcase.

- Yeah. I'll move it.

- Yeah, that'd be great, thank you.

What would you have done,

if you weren't doing this?

- What is it you think I do?

- Come on. What's

What's, what's the, what's the dream?

Erm

archaeologist.

I never knew that.

- Oh, God, I've done it again!

- What?

You've sucked me in,

you're like a black hole!

Don't be mean to me!

Oh, look, Michael is your

procrastination buddy,

and I am your wife,

and I've got stuff to do,

and you really need to not be here

when that happens.

I've just got a lot of stuff

to process, and feelings

Yeah, it's just the rest of us

just have to get on with it,

but whatever.

I'm just a bit worried that

the goldfish that's left behind

would do anything to have its little

buddy to play round the castle with.

OK, right,

I think that the goldfish left behind

forgot about the other goldfish

within seconds.

Who is it?

It's Nina.

Oh! Hi, Nina!

Hi, Nina.

He'll be with us in a couple of minutes.

OK. Good.

All right?

It's everyone else.

I understand.

Adrian, Nina, Lucy

- Sam?

- Yeah.

- Dame Judy?

- Of course.

- And Simon.

- And Simon, yeah.

Anna

thinks that we should, erm,

should try and stay calm with him.

Why?

Because he's on one side of the line

and we're, we're on the other.

Michael,

we drew the f*cking line!

I know. Anna said it better.

- Anna?

- Yeah?

Er, what, er, what was that

Viking saying?

What?

You know, the Viking phrase.

The Viking phrase?

Oh, the

the thrall alone

takes instant vengeance.

What the f*ck does that mean?

Yeah, what does that mean?

Actions are too often ruled by emotions.

That seems a little bit hypocritical

coming from the Vikings.

Yeah, what she's saying, we, er,

we should remain civil.

f*ck that!

Burn your bridges.

No, we won't, we won't.

We won't.

It's the only way to get close

enough to do some real damage.

What would the Vikings recommend?

Something with an axe.

Er, right, OK, now,

remember the Vikings, OK?

Just, calm

- just

- Rrrr!

- Calm

- Rrrr!

Shh Yeah, embrace chaos.

- I'm going to be fine.

- Great.

I'm going to be really calm and nice.

OK, here we go.

Just deep breaths, deep

Oh! So that's where you've

been hiding, you c**t!

I said, that's where you've been

hiding, you f*cking cu

- He can't hear you he can't hear you.

- f*cking

- Thank f*ck he can't hear you.

- OK.

OK, David, please

Even just seeing

his punchable little face,

I'm finding it very hard.

I know, I know, I know.

You know he's a twat,

I know he's a twat

Ah, no, he's

but let's just pretend

that this conversation

It's all right, take your

time, take your time, Simon.

Yeah

Yeah, no, don't worry, don't worry.

Oh, we've got all the time in the world!

- Just, just

- Oh, it's so nice to see you, Simon!

just, please, just,

let's just give it a try.

I'm I'm on my best behaviour.

OK. Thank you.

- Hi, sorry!

- Hey!

- Hey!

- Hi!

Hey.

- Simon!

- Hey! Sorry about that.

- All of f*cking this.

- How are you, mate?

Yeah, no, good. Sorry.

Er, yeah. Michael. Hello. Hi.

- Er, David. Goodness.

- Nnnng!

Long time, no see. How are you?

Yeah, Nina phoned me.

Right, OK, right.

But, well, let's just have

a little catch-up first, shall we?

- Yeah, that'd be lovely.

- How are you?

Good. I mean, hey,

look, I'm in Los Angeles!

It's So, it's happening.

Staged America?

Yep, looks like it.

That it is exciting.

Yeah, it really is, and, look,

I know I owe you guys

a lot of thanks for that, erm

I know we haven't really had a

chance to talk about it all, but

No, don't be silly.

Well, it's been mad.

Yes, I bet. So, what, lots of

lots of new opportunities?

I've been run off my feet.

There's just so much work to do!

I couldn't have imagined any of this.

No, well, I mean, you couldn't have

imagined anything at all without us,

could you?

Er, what, I

What David means,

I-I think,

is that we feel, erm,

you know, quite a lot of love,

er, even ownership,

of the project, too.

Yeah, I mean, I did write it.

See, now, David is going to get

a wee bit ticked off

with that kind of

territorial attitude, Simon.

He thinks that we both brought

a lot to the project, too.

We thought we were a team.

Oh, me too.

So we were a little bit hurt

when we heard that we weren't needed.

- Of course.

- But we got past that,

but then,

- when we heard from Nina

- Yeah.

My friend Nina, Nina, who

My friend Nina called me up.

that literally every

other member of the cast

Every other member.

- was coming back except us

- Yeah.

Yes.

I mean, even you

managed to hold on to your role.

Well, I am Simon.

Oh, well, who am I, then?

f*cking Spartacus?

But, er, but you're

you're not an actor.

No, but I but I wrote it.

Ah!

David, David, Vikings!

Vikings, David! Vikings!

- Vikings?

- I could have been a movie star!

OK, OK.

OK, well, let's let's just

Let's just talk about something else

for a minute, OK?

Let's just shake it up.

Erm

Simon! What, what were you going

to be when you were young?

- A director.

- No, I meant

I meant if, er, that didn't work out.

I wanted to be a magician.

- Oh, ha-ha ha-ha!

- Whoa! David!

Ha! David's, erm,

trying to learn some tricks.

- Great!

- Were you, were you any good?

I was, actually. I was I was

I was very good!

Yeah? What's that card?

The seven of diamonds.

Oh, f*ck you!

All right, all right.

Is there anything we can do

to help you, Simon?

- Excuse me?

- Help.

No.

No, I don't think so.

No, no, it's not a trick. It's

We We just want to help.

We-we, just, just, just

What can we do? What can we do?

Come on.

What can we do?

I wouldn't say this

if you hadn't just

Two of the actors that we're

considering for David and

and Michael,

they've actually reached out,

to see if you might make some time to

- talk to them.

- About what?

Just to offer some thoughts on your

experience making the show.

We would

be very

happy to.

Really?

We're all on the same side.

Well, then I'll

- I'll set it up.

- Great.

- I really appreciate it.

- No, no, thank you.

That's what we what we needed,

just to, you know A little

little bit of collaboration.

Hey, maybe you could

give a couple of notes

on the roles, too.

f*ck you!

I mean, I will I will put

an axe into your face,

and I will nail your skull

onto the mast of my Viking longship

before I give any actor

another bunch of notes

about how to play David Tennant,

you f*cking patronising mollusc!

I think we should just let our

agents talk from here, shouldn't we?

Don't you f*cking!

I didn't even know he had an agent!

Seven of f*cking diamonds!

Unbelievable.

I called Simon back and apologised.

OK, well done.

Told him we'd speak to

those other actors tomorrow.

Oh, Jesus. OK.

Why do you think we have never

made each other this angry?

Well, because we have a scintilla

of respect for each other.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

Cos we started out as colleagues,

and then we became friends

And then great friends.

Would you say I'm your BEST friend?

No.

- No?

- No, I don't mean it like that.

No, no, no, no. Fine. I just

You know, I thought you might take

a bit longer to think about it, but

No, but, well, am I yours?

- No.

- Well, there we are.

- No, you might have been.

- If what?

If you'd said I was yours.

I've got an older friend.

- I'm old.

- No, I, I mean, I've

I've got a friend

who I've known for longer.

He lives in New York.

OK.

Yeah, I had a friend, once.

Who?

No, I don't see him.

And you're not friends any more?

No.

So, when you go out to New York,

you're going to see him, are you?

Well, that's why I'm going.

He's getting married.

Oh, well, that's lovely for him.

Well, I'm I'm the best man.

It was supposed to happen

earlier this year, but

But it all Yeah.

So, you know,

it'll be nice to be there.

- Well, it'll be nice to be anywhere.

- Yeah.

Anna hasn't been to Sweden in ages.

She's really missing her family.

Well, I'm sure she is, yeah.

Hey!

Erm

Four of diamonds.

Oh!

We should quit.

Magic is harder than it looks.

Oh, God, I hate magic.

Oh, maybe we could ask Simon for help.

Ah-hmmm!