02x05 - The Warthog and the Mongoose: Part One

[bunniefuu]

- Maybe I am inert.

- Oh, Jesus.

- You're not.

- Maybe I am.

Why?

Cos I move through time

like a dust mote

floating. I'm present

but I'm not really there.

When did these conversations

become so poetic?

I'm just afraid of becoming invisible.

I'm afraid of glass and electricity.

- OK.

- So obviously light bulbs are a no-no.

- Right.

- And dying.

Sure.

Oh, this quiet is not good for me.

You should see a therapist.

I've got you.

- I've been struck off.

- Have you? Why?

- Gross incompetence.

- Well, not before time.

Yeah. You know, you have seemed

a little bit more

Ooh introspective recently.

- Have I?

- I mean, don't get me wrong,

you have always thoroughly enjoyed

talking about yourself.

There's a lot to say.

But you've started seeming a bit

What?

- A little

- Yeah?

- Boring.

- Boring?!

Tedious.

Ah, now you're just throwing

around hurtful comments.

- Needy!

- Just cos you won't listen

HE LAUGHS

I do nothing but listen.

That is literally all I do,

every minute of every day

- My thoughts are interesting.

- To you.

I am a public intellectual.

By what standard?!

I was Dictionary Corner on Countdown

on two occasions!

I'm just going through something!

- Oh I have got to go.

- What, already?!

- Yeah, oh, sorry. Time's up.

- I've only had 40 minutes.

Yeah, well, I've got another call.

- With who?

- New York.

Oh, wedding stuff.

Wedding stuff!

I've never been a best man.

Oh, Jesus.

So, I know that we joke about it

and about how much of it was improvised,

and I enjoy that

as much as everybody else.

- It's a funny joke, but

- Would you say 30%?

- 30?

- At least.

- Ten at most.

- Oh. HE LAUGHS

I mean, 25.

This is not a negotiation.

And the Hamlet stuff,

that was definitely me.

- Two, four, six, eight, moot away.

- Yeah.

The having the mug in-shot,

that was all me.

f*cking disco. Uns-uns-uns-uns!

Well, that whole bit, wasn't it?

That was the whole bit,

the whole being on set bit.

Oh, God. Yeah. I mean,

I find it difficult

to remember anything that was scripted.

It's the I mean, regardless

of the percentage,

it's the improv that zings!

Cos all the bits that people

talk about

Muppet dance. Mm-mm-mm-mm!

Yeah. We could have done

without the Muppet dance.

People love that. There are memes

of that everywhere.

So, irrespective of the percentage,

- rr-rr-ah

- 10%.

we contributed a significant amount.

But I wrote it!

I wrote it, I sat down

at a computer, this one,

and I typed the whole thing out.

It took weeks!

Yeah. And we improved it immediately.

Bang!

So, the other Davids and Michaels

have been reading the script

and they're requesting changes.

- They've got notes

- OK.

but I'm not allowed to be a part

of those conversations,

because people don't think

that I had anything to do with it.

- Why not?

- Because that's what you told them.

You told them I didn't write it.

You said that.

- When?

- All the time in all the interviews!

We gave you full credit

in those interviews.

- Full credit?

- Credit.

Hm.

So, I know you're reading with the

other Davids and Michaels today.

We are. Yeah, I'm reading

with the Michaels.

And I am reading with the Davids.

Yeah, I'm sorry that will be boring

for you, Michael.

Well, I'll get through it somehow.

So could I ask a favour,

could you try and find out what

their notes are,

- what their thoughts are?

- I suppose.

Thank you.

And maybe even just talk me up a bit.

- Talk you up?

- Mm-hm.

I mean, we're doing

this under sufferance.

This is, you know,

this is a punishment for us.

Yeah, this is our community service.

- I'm not asking you to lie for me.

- Oh.

Oh, you're not asking us to lie, so

So what are you asking from us,

then, Simon?

Just

tell them I wrote it.

- I don't like it.

- Well, Simon Evans wrote it.

- I don't think I want to do it.

- Right.

I'll read it, but I have my concerns.

- Like what?

- Feels cruel.

Cruel?

Unbarmherzig.

What does that mean exactly?

Merciless, remorseless, pitiless

- Oh, it's supposed to be funny.

- It's not.

- No?

- OK.

It's acrid.

Should we read a bit?

- Sure, then!

- OK.

Um, so it's the scene where

we're looking down

a series of photographs,

I'm going to choose one

and I'm calling out the numbers.

I'll go from the top of the page.

"What about two, one, four, five?"

- "Is that make-up?"

- "I put on a little foundation."

- "You look pox-ridden."

- "I do not!"

"Why do you always do that thing

with your mouth?"

What thing?

"It's just a straight

line across your face."

HE LAUGHS

"You look just like a Muppet."

"Well, your smile

is a straight line too."

"But I've got a twinkle in my eye."

I have a twinkle in my eyes!

- "Your eyes tire."

- Tire?!

- "Like a low-impact Gorgon."

- Oh, f*ck you.

See what I mean?

I mean, I just want to make sure

I don't get oversensitive.

- Ah, this is bullshit!

- You should calm down.

Oh, why? Because when I get

emotional, I sound cartoonish?

Oh, I've heard that too.

Look, I wrote a scene today

where I took a sh*t

from a high height on your

big, stupid, Welsh, hairy head!

OK, good, good.

HE CLEARS THROA

I mean, I've got nothing to say.

Have you got any questions

or anything I can help with or?

The Your writer.

The writer is Simon Evans.

- Is he, like, anti-Scottish?

- I don't think so.

David is just always whining.

I don't think it was meant

as like a cultural comment.

He can't be, he can't be like that,

though, David, in real life.

Can he?

He, he calls me cartoonish later.

Michael's a cartoonish character.

He should have a shark tank in his

basement, a castle in a volcano.

I've done enough of both of them.

Yeah, trust me.

- Listen to me.

- Yeah?

Whatever they say,

Michael's a paper doll.

He's a lazy stereotype.

- David's the real person.

- Yes, yes, actually.

David is the real person.

With real struggles!

He's trying to connect.

Yes, he is trying to connect!

Across distance, strange technology,

just trying to speak and be heard.

Yeah, Michael just keeps

shutting him down.

It's sociopathic.

Yeah. I'd never

thought about that before.

Do you think I sound cartoonish?

Have you ever tried a thing

called actioning?

No. No, I don't think so. No.

You work out what your character's

action is on every line,

like what he or she is doing.

If it can bring this more alive,

- OK.

- then let's try.

So, just, let's try the

Have you got the scene that begins

with David putting his hand up?

- You know that one?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'll be, I'm Joe.

- So

- OK.

- David.

- "Michaels being insufferable!"

Right, great, so what's, what's

David trying to do there?

Whine.

It's, it's sort of better

if you think of it in terms of

what he's trying to do

to the other character.

- OK, oh, right.

- So, what's he trying to do to Michael?

To whine at him.

OK. Um

Yeah, OK, let's just

- Yeah? Carry on?

- Let's do

- Do you want to do another bit?

- Yeah.

What have you got?

Have you got something else there?

"Please, please, please, please!"

So what's he trying to do there?

Desecrate the memory of

Robert the f*cking Bruce.

When are we filming?

It has to be ready a fortnight today.

- I'm available.

- Me too.

- It's just an online thing.

- Great.

Just like some sketches

and a celebrity auction.

I have so much time.

So much time.

I snapped at David earlier.

- Why? How come?

- He did a thing.

- Yeah, Michael's struggling too.

- In what way?

He's not sleeping very well.

- David's grinding his teeth.

- Michael's getting headaches.

Do you have any idea why?

He wants to feel mobile,

he wants to go to New York with me,

he wants to hug people, raise a glass,

lift Lyra up and show her off.

Does he talk to anyone?

- A therapist.

- Yeah, maybe.

Talks to David.

I suppose it's good that

they have each other, isn't it?

Well, David is a little two-dimensional.

That's He's fine. It's the

Michael character, really.

- Really, you think?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what we find.

No, he strikes me as quite rich,

sort of quite textured.

Really?

You know, improvisation's key.

- Um

- It's just listening.

- Right, OK.

- Listening and responding.

- But you expect me to be funny.

- Ideally, yeah.

Do you know what, I'm just, I'm just

more comfortable with the script.

Well, it's just that that's the

way we made it work before.

Well, sure, but, you know, Simon,

Simon Evans has sent me a script, so

Yeah, yeah, but, you know, what is

written down is just like a skeleton

- that we then build on.

- Right.

Nuance is key.

You said improvisation was key.

Different keys.

- OK.

- Is that a banister?

Yeah.

You're sitting at the

bottom of the stairs?

Yeah, it's just easier

cos there's lights down here.

It's just, just Yeah, it's fine.

I've never seen inside your house.

I thought it'd be classier.

Yeah, yeah. It's just quite old, David.

What is it made of?

- It's actually plastic.

- Is it?

I'm ready when you are.

Wouldn't get away with that

in Downton, would you?

Should we read some?

Oh, OK.

And Ken Jeong,

you have my CV and

HE SNIFFS

Ah, um

Mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

I am David.

I am an as*h*le.

Hm.

Huh.

Michael's being insufferable.

You look pox-ridden.

Can you try a different flavour?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Find something kinder.

Yeah, so just like a kinder tone

in the line.

No, no, no.

Put something in that's kinder.

Let's start again,

I'll take it from the top.

- OK.

- "What about two, one, four, five?"

- "Is that make-up?"

- "I put on a little foundation."

- You look really handsome.

- That's great. That's much better.

This must be really hard for you.

- How do you mean?

- You know, reading these same scenes

over and over again, just

seeing a parade of people

just playing versions

of your best friend.

He's not my best friend.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought

I have a friend in New York.

Still

strange, with all due respect.

I mean, if I were you,

I'd be acting out.

I'd Snapping, you know,

just shouting at birds

No-one does that.

screaming about my deepest fears

with this dude.

He just doesn't get it.

You know, I watch this

and you're the angel,

and he is just doesn't

see your brightness.

It's just like, you know, it's like

IMITATES DAVID: Michael, you know,

I'm jealous of your greatness.

You know, how can I be as great as you?

You know, I don't have your range,

innit?

I'm just not as great.

IMITATES MICHAEL:

Well, don't compare yourself,

it's not a competition.

You know, this is not

It's not Britain's Got Talent, innit?

IMITATES DAVID: I didn't say

it's Britain's Got Talent. It's

I want, you know, I just want

what you have. I want you!

I want what you have, you know.

You know, give me what I want, innit?

IMITATES MICHAEL:

It's, like, it's not like that.

It's just, you know, acting is

energy, it's like a ball of energy.

You're just playing, you're just

tossing it back and forth,

back and forth, innit?

IMITATES DAVID: It's not about that.

It's about having the biggest ball

and the brightest energy!

- f*ck you!

- f*ck YOU!

f*ck YOU, INNIT?!

IMITATES MICHAEL: f*ck you, innit!

I've got to say, it just feels like

we're going against the spirit

No, come on, this is good.

This is much better. Focus in.

Don't, don't, don't lose it.

Pick it up. I'll pick it up.

OK.

- "I'm feeling inert."

- "You're not feeling inert."

"Well, maybe I am."

Well, if you're feeling inert, then

why?

I move through time

like a dust mote, floating,

present, but entirely without impact.

DINGING

I can see that you're grieving.

I'm fine.

You're not fine.

Yeah, I'm fine.

You're not fine.

No.

Michael, you're going through

something profound.

Now, we all identify ourselves

in our reflections,

how people see us.

And your other person isn't seeing you.

You are so right.

I miss

people getting too close to me.

Endless buffets.

WHISPERS: Using that.

Michael's being insufferable!

HE EXHALES DEEPLY