02x07 - The Loo Recluse

[bunniefuu]

So Romania is off, but, Michael,

Northampton is a go situation.

The gateway to the west, Northampton.

Nothing will stop me

getting to Northampton.

Oh-h-h, do you know,

- I'm so happy for you. I'm proud.

- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

6 across, "Sword of"

Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du

- Omens.

- It's eight letters.

Sword of Damocles.

- Da-may-cles!

- Yep.

Yes!

- We should have a system by now.

- Like what?

I don't know.

I could do cross, you could do down.

Is that a joke?

Ah-ha-ha!

You'll be the cross one

and I'll be the down one?!

Yeah, I-I came up with it last night.

You're a funny old fish, aren't you?

Cos you're not an

intentionally funny person.

- Is that correct?

- Well, yeah.

Well, I tell jokes!

No, you don't. You you stumble

and topple headlong

into funny things - completely

accidentally, occasionally.

Oh, do I? you make me sound

like a wounded gazelle.

No, it's endearing.

7 across. Oh, my God!

Lead actor in Staged!

f*ck off!

- Yes!

- You are kidding!

Yes!

How many letters?

Yeah!

- What?

- No!

So talk to me about the auditions.

You know, the ones where I asked you

clearly to behave

- for the sake of your careers? Your careers.

- Absolutely.

Yeah. So, did you or did you not

use these sessions

with A-list Hollywood talent

as an impromptu therapy thing?

Uh, well, um,

David was feeling vulnerable,

a bit tender, weren't you?

Well, some of the improvisations

got a wee bit personal.

You realise you're a laughing

stock, yeah?

You know this, right?

Can we have one more chance?

We can be professional,

Mary, we really can.

Yeah.

I think you're cursed.

- Cursed?

- Have you ever met a wizard?

No?

Are you sure?

Because I think

the wizard must have f*cked you

in the a*s.

I'm pretty sure

I would have remembered that.

Well, not if you were enchanted.

Hey, guys!

Hi.

- Hi, how was that?!

- Lovely.

Tom? Um

Do you think you could get her

to give us another chance?

- A chance of what?

- Of reading with the actors?

No need. It's done. It's already cast.

- What?

- What?!

- Really? What, they've cast?

- Finished?

Us?

No, I shouldn't have said anything,

pretend I didn't say anything,

pretend I didn't say anything.

- Who, who is it?!

- I can't say, Michael, I cannot say.

Oh, come on!

- No, I can't.

- Tom, please.

Please.

We just to know who it is,

we just want to know who it is.

It's still embargoed, Mary

would k*ll me with a trophy

that she found.

She would absolutely k*ll me.

- To-o-om.

- Oh, David, don't do that.

- What?

- Don't first-name me.

Do you remember the last time

you first-named me?

Do you remember this?

TOM CHUCKLES

When did you go to Disneyland

with Tom, David?

Unbelievable!

HE SIGHS HAPPILY

So, can you help us out?

OK, this is what's happening,

this is what's happening.

In the books right now,

there is a call with Simon

and the other actors

about a rewrite. Then after that,

there's going to be a whole big

announcement, then you'll find out.

So why don't you let us join the call?

- Yes.

- No, no.

Come on.

It would make David so happy

- It would.

- if you could do that.

- David, would it really make you happy?

- I'd love it.

And then when David

comes over to LA next

Yeah.

you know, if you get us

on that call, I'm sure David

would love to spend time with you

and hang out, go for dinner,

take in a show.

Michael, you said hang out?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you tell us, if

DAVID MOUTHS

- Kiss!

- That would be

- Yeah.

- That would be great.

You can get us on that call.

I know exactly where we get food.

I know exactly where to get dinner.

I've already planned the courses

and everything, and I know exactly

what we'll be drinking. I'm into

that. I think this is amazing.

And then I could maybe, you know

I'll be over soon,

and we could hang out as well.

So much traffic, though, right, Michael?

So much traffic here.

- We just want to know who it is.

- And we can eat anything we want,

- we can talk about anything we want?

- You can choose, of course.

Listen, you know the city,

you can show me round.

What do you say?

- What do I say?

- Yeah.

HE VOMITS

So, do you know either of them?

I used to know David.

And what about, um, Simon?

Do you know Simon?

Allegedly.

Ah. What does that mean?

Oh, no! No, no, no, I just have

no memory of him whatsoever.

Uh-huh.

He sent me an email

that said, "Long time, no see."

Oh, God, I hate that phrase.

- Makes me so nervous.

- Well, did you challenge?

No, I just replied, "You too, can't

wait to catch up," blah-blah-blah.

I asked around.

Apparently, he's quite forgettable.

Don't tell him I said he was

forgettable.

- I won't.

- Or that I forgot him.

- Hi.

- Oh!

- Ha-ha-haaa!

- Hi!

Hi!

- Hello!

- Hello there. Hello. Hi! Uh, Cate!

- Simon? Hi.

- Lovely to meet you.

- Phoebe!

- Yay!

- Yay!

- Long time, no see!

Long time, no see!

You've worked with Phoebe before?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we go back a way.

When was that? Sorry,

Phoebs just hasn't had a chance

to to to tell me.

When was that?

- Oh, well, Phoebe, you

- PHOEBE CHUCKLES

- Um, did I not?!

- You tell it! You tell it this time!

I was just talking to Cate about it.

Um, I can't remember the name

of the, um

- The play.

- The play!

- Yeah. Like A Fish Bone.

- Like A Fish Bone!

- At the Royal Court.

- At the Bush.

Yeah, a couple of years ago.

Yeah. Well, 2010.

- Couple of years ago, yeah.

- Yeah.

Happy, happy times. And it's lovely

to be in both your orbits,

to sort of read a little bit of this.

It's a sort of scene from

series one of the UK version,

- we sort of tinkered with it.

- We Adrian Lestered it, love it!

There you go! God, thank you.

I'm just going to go and grab

a notebook quickly.

OK. Really nice to see you.

So lovely to see you!

WHISPERS: f*ck you.

Jesus!

GROWLING

- Michael.

- Phoebe!

Hello!

f*ck me, it's Cate Blanchett.

Hi!

What are you doing here?!

What are you doing here?

Um, sorry, Simon?

Um, we just weren't aware

that Michael was actually going

to be here.

I was unaware

Michael was going to be here.

We were actually specifically told

that he wouldn't be here.

I'm sorry, we are just supposed

to be observing.

- But

- What do you mean by "we"?

What are you doing here?

Uh, we're reading for the show.

- Which show?

- Your show.

- My show?

- Our show.

David's not coming, is he?

- Hello!

- Jesus.

Sorry I'm late.

Phoebe?

David.

- Long time, no see.

- Yeah, long time, no see.

What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

- Stop repeating each other.

Sorry,

I won't be in the same room as him.

Well, technically we're

not in the same room.

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Oh! Technically

we're not in the same room.

Technically, we're not in the same room!

We're not in the same room, are we?

We're not in the same room.

We're not?

Simon, sorry.

Could you remind me again,

what are they doing here?

Er, we're the new Michael and David.

- David?

- Uh, no.

Who are you? Who are you?

- Who are you?

- Who am I?! I'm Tom.

Who the f*ck is Tom?

Uh, David's best friend, Tom.

OK, your silence is insane.

Can you please get him for me?

Uh, um, no.

Who are you?!

Are you his personal assistant?

Do you clean his Daleks?

Are you like his patissier?

Do you make his pastries?

Tell me what you're doing there.

Yeah, all those all those things.

And also his wife.

Georgia!

So you've made love with him.

SHE GASPS

OK, sorry, can you can you tell me

where he is?

Yeah, he's just on a call.

Sh

What?

What? What do you mean?

Is it with Phoebe and Cate?

- Georgia, is he with Phoebe and Cate?

- Who are Phoebe and Cate?

I'm going to be sick. Mary's on

her way over here right now.

Did you know that Phoebe hates David?

Phoebe?

Yeah, cos I had no idea. Nobody told me.

Phoebe, as in Waller-Bridge.

Yeah, the monologue woman.

The monologue woman.

Yeah, you're f*cked.

Mi-Michael? Who-Who let you in?

- Uh, Tom did.

- Who's Tom?

Mary's assistant, Tom.

Well, he shouldn't have done that.

Oh, let it go, Phoebe.

Uh, David, why don't you tell them?

- No.

- We worked on Broadchurch together.

Second series.

Shall we just read instead?

Let's read the scene.

Um, sorry, Cate, can I'm just

going to get this out the way.

I am a huge fan.

Oh, my God!

Thank you!

I mean, you're Michael Sheen,

for God's sake.

Oh! You're Cate Blanchett.

Cate Blanchett is a big fan.

- Oh!

- I mean, seriously. I don't know,

you have this way of just losing

yourself in your roles, it's

Well, excuse me,

didn't someone play Bob Dylan?!

Can we read?

No, I'd like David

to tell the story first.

I don't think anyone

wants to hear the story.

Simon wants to, don't you?

I suppose so.

I remember that, I remember

that from the Donmar.

- Uh, the Bush.

- Like A Goldfish.

Fish Bone.

Well, so we were filming

Broadchurch on location.

There were long days,

and it happened that occasionally

I would need the bathroom.

So when I did need to go,

early on, David would find a way

of making his phone omit a sound.

- A sound?

- Like a text alert.

A text alert?

- It's like a ping.

- Ping?

He was methodical.

I'd go, and his phone would ping.

I didn't notice at first. Weeks passed.

Cause and effect, swapped places,

his phone would ping

It became Pavlovian.

- This this can't be real.

- It is real.

I heard it and I had to go,

immediately and involuntarily.

- It was a joke.

- I was written out of scenes.

It was a joke.

Whole scenes because

I had to go to the toilet.

- That's not what happened!

- That is what happened.

I thought it would be funny.

Well, it's not!

All right! How much

comedy have you done?!

She is funny.

Have you seen Notes On A Scandal?

- Yeah, have you?

- You ruined my career.

I stopped being cast, roles dried up.

I was "difficult to work with".

No-one wanted to hire me

because they called me

the Loo Recluse.

What about Fleabag?

I had to f*cking create Fleabag.

- I inspired you.

- Can we read, please? Can we read?

- I had to carve my way back in.

- Please, can we read?

Hang on. If you two are playing us,

who's playing our other halves?

Who's playing Georgia?

- You mean George?

- George? Is that a joke?

You wouldn't know a joke

if it came on your face.

Uh, sorry, who are who are you

talking to about the partners,

uh, Simon?

Oh, well, unconfirmed,

but fingers crossed.

- Um, Martin Freeman.

- Oh!

No, no, no!

f*ck you! No, not Martin Freeman!

- Not again.

- He's lovely!

No, he's a f*cking thief.

I

OK, look, I was going

to be Bilbo Baggins.

- You were supposed to be in The Hobbit?

- The role was mine,

I'd accepted it,

and then he stole it from me.

Oh, no, no, no, he's a sweetheart.

- No, he's a monster.

- Can we read, please?

- Is that when you were recast?

- Yep.

I thought it was me!

Sorry, when would you ever replace me?

- You do look like a Hobbit.

- Peter Jackson, he did ask me

- about you.

- And what did you say?

Well, I was honest

and said I'd never heard of you.

Oh. Well, did he ask you about Martin?

Well, yes. I just

said, I thought he was

all right in Frost/Nixon.

- That was me!

- That was you?

- That was me!

- Yeah, that was him.

Please, can we read?

- Oh, you ruined my career!

- Back off, hairy legs!

I didn't know that was you.

I lose myself in my roles.

Well

- Do it less!

- Sorry, do it less?

- Yes, lose yourself less.

- Lose myself less!

Please, can we read, please?! Please!

- Fine, fine, fine.

- Please! Can we?!

Can we read, can we just read,

can we read it, can we just read it

once? Just please read it!

- Fine. Yeah.

- Yeah, great.

Thank you.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh!

WHISPERS: f*ck you.

Yes, yes, the seventh letter

of "lead actor in Staged"

is the last letter of 4 across.

And 4 across is?

- "For all time."

- It's infinite.

Last letter is E.

D-A-V-I-D-T-E-N-N-A-N-T.

It's David Tennant.

Or what about "immortal"?

Last letter is L.

M-I-C-H-A-E-L-S-H-E-E-N.

Uh, any other across words?

Um, 2 across.

"Animated animal", it's three letters

and it shares a first letter

with either you or me.

- Dog.

- Man.

- Man?

- Dog?!

Yeah, there's loads of animated dogs!

- It's ant.

- Ant?

Yes, animated animal, three letters.

Ant, from the movie Antz.

Oh, right.

- And it is immortal.

- That doesn't fit with either of us.

Because it's Adrian Lester.

Aw