03x04 - Present

[bunniefuu]

I actually prepared

a statement back then.

Did you? Why?

- Well, I wanted to get across our side.

- Oh.

Did it have a title?

Do statements usually have titles?

Yeah. I think

well-structured ones do, yeah.

"Antagonists".

Bit nebulous.

- It was evocative.

- Bit open to interpretation.

It wouldn't have been if you'd read it.

I don't think a statement should

invite subjective responses.

- It didn't.

- It's not a Robert Frost poem.

- Did you write a statement?

- No.

Well, then, shut the f*ck up.

What does the title refer to?

Simon!

Oh. Oh, no, that would

never have occurred to me.

- It would if you'd read it.

- Georgia says you're my antagonist.

That would make you the hero.

- Am I not?

- Pfft! No.

- Oh, I see.

- You're the damsel in the tower.

Oh. Should never have cut my hair.

Or the damsel in the bungalow.

Georgia says we're like

an old married couple.

You are!

- No, not me and Georgia, you and me.

- Oh, right.

Me.

I should have left you

in the f*cking tower.

- Bungalow.

- I'm going to read

the statement that

I prepared back then.

Excellent. Be my guest.

Simon's left Series Three.

I've got to go. I've got

to put the lunch on, Simon.

So if we haven't got it by now, too bad.

I know he's a grumpy b*stard,

Simon, but he does have a point.

Why did he leave?

Erm

He'd had enough. I think.

He'd written two in a rush.

It was high stress, high stakes,

and, look, he's never been good at

Simon is not a confrontational person,

so when Michael stormed

off, then David followed

it's not good for his self-esteem.

He bruises like an avocado.

But we still owe Josh a series. Erm

We had Simon's notes from the, erm

from the rest of

the episode. Nothing

Nothing definitive, just more like

abstract poetry than a script.

Yeah.

He wasn't in a very happy place.

"Buy new jumper."

He k*lled off Michael a couple of times.

It may or may not have

been a dream sequence.

And there's an animatic at

the bottom of his notes too.

Actually, if you flick through,

it shows a clown

digging a grave.

Georgia's idea was for David and

Michael to finish the scripts.

I had two options: deliver the

show or focus on the documentary.

Well, it wasn't up to me, so

I didn't I didn't have to.

Erm, Josh wanted conflict

and tortured souls,

make-ups and break-ups,

food fights and explosions.

Either David and Michael would

write that into the script,

or they would barrel into it in

real life with the cameras rolling.

- Ooh! Our writers' room.

- Whoa!

No.

- Can you feel the magic?

- I can.

It's coming. It's

bubbling up, the magic.

Don't know if it's quite arrived yet.

OK.

Phew. It's hot in here.

I did mess with the thermostat.

I don't do very well in the heat.

Got any coffee?

And keep David up all night

with a faulty smoke alarm.

OK, how many pages do we need?

- About 30 or so?

- About 30. By when?

Erm, Josh needs to see something by six.

By six? Why so soon?

Because we're a million

miles behind schedule.

- That gives us about eight hours.

- OK,

30 divided by eight. 3.75.

Well, let's call it

four. Four pages an hour?

- Easy!

- Easy!

But that was everything.

I think.

- Who's that now?

- Georgia.

- Hi, baby.

- Can we just put phones away?

Would you mind if you

just leave us to it now?

Michael's just throwing out the crew.

- Bye!

- Focus down and do the work, sorry.

- I've put you on speaker.

- OK.

You're on with me and Michael, Georgia.

- Hi, Georgia.

- Hi, Michael.

- It's all right with the room?

- Is there any coffee?

- Er, I'll send some.

- It's a bit warm.

- Michael's a little bit warm.

- OK, is there a thermostat?

- Doesn't do well in the heat, you know.

- Ahh

Yeah. Oh, it says it's out of order.

'Right, I'll see what I can do.'

I don't do well in the heat, Georgia.

Things can get a little bit swampy.

I don't want to be in

the room with Michael

when things get a bit swampy.

'All right. It might

take a while, though.'

That's not really good enough

- Oh, hang on. Wait.

- Oh.

- I think the windows open.

- Michael has located a window.

Michael has opened a

window. Is that better?

- Oh, it's much better.

- He says that's much better, yes.

- 'Great.'

- Oh, my God.

I would have torn your

husband to shreds in seconds!

'Oh, h*! Don't do that.'

All right, baby, it's time

to make the magic happen.

- I'll speak to you later.

- 'All right.'

- Love you, bye!

- Love you, bye!

- Right.

- OK.

Here we go.

- Phones down, camera crew out.

- Yeah.

New note.

- This is it.

- This is it.

Where do we start?

I wanted them to succeed. Honestly.

Everything else was just

a backup plan.

- Oh, I've got Simon's notes!

- Oh, great.

- Yes. On an email. Hang on.

- OK. Anything useful?

Erm I mean, there's

words and phrases.

- There's the odd back-and-forth.

- Yeah?

- Well, what's the overall gist?

- Er

- Constipated rage.

- Right. When did he write them?

- While we were filming.

- Right.

Pfft.

Do you think Simon's an angry person?

Er, no. I dunno.

Erm, maybe.

I mean, he can bend

a spoon with his mind.

I think that's just a party trick.

Yeah, of course, yeah. Yeah.

Do you think he's angry with us?

Difficult to tell.

Well, do we appear in the notes?

Right, well, he uses

quite a lot of pseudonyms.

OK. Like what?

Big Head and The Baby.

That could be anyone.

Beanpole and Beanbag.

It's still ambiguous.

- Michael and David.

- Right, OK.

Erm

"Michael's kitchen. Dawn.

Michael stares forlornly

out of the window.

In one hand, a photo of David,

in the other, a knitting needle."

Do you knit?

Never have. Nor Anna.

"He sits at his table, lines up

the tip of the needle with his eye.

He stares at the photo of

David, leans his head back,

then, with force "

"Then with force" what?

N-Nothing. It just ends there.

Erm, next thing is

"Plain jumper or striped?"

Am I examining the knitting needle?

With force?

Why have I got a photo of you?

Maybe you're knitting me a jumper?

Oh, God. Wow.

The drill was nothing

to do with me. Honestly.

It was just the heat, the

smoke alarm and the menus.

Did I mention the menus?

- Oh. What happened?

- Well, the drilling stopped.

- How long was I out?

- Oh, a couple of hours.

Why didn't you waken me?

Well, you looked very peaceful.

Oh, God, I'm hungry.

Yeah. I stuck some menus to your jumper.

- Where did you find these?

- In the drawer.

I dreamt I was inside a food processor.

I envy your capacity to rest.

Well, I'm from the city.

Peace and tranquillity

is what disturbs me.

- How you getting on?

- I've made a start.

OK. That's good. Let's have a see.

"Enter Michael."

- Good start.

- Give the people what they want.

Yeah. "David is asleep."

And that's it?

Yeah, well, it was

difficult to get started.

- You've got to SAY something.

- I know that.

That's what makes it

into a scene, you know.

- But I wouldn't want to wake you up.

- Why did you write me asleep?

It's all I could think

of. You looked so peaceful.

Come on. Let's go.

"David wakes.

Morning!"

- Why don't you go back to sleep?

- No!

I think I'm hungry.

We just need the first couple of lines,

- just to loosen the lid.

- What time is it?

One o'clock. Five hours left.

- OK, so, what? Six pages an hour Easy!

- Easy!

- I'm gonna order lunch.

- Yes!

Oh, hello. Can I order

some food, please?

- 'Yeah, what's the address?'

- Erm Ooh.

- Onsight, Covent Garden?

- 'Mm-hm. What can I get you?'

Erm, some Kung Pao chicken.

Erm, duck rolls.

Er, egg fried rice and prawn crackers?

- Anything else?

- No, I'm all right.

- 'Thanks. On its way.'

- And please don't forget the prawn crackers.

Sounded like Georgia.

No, it's the woman in the Chinese.

Why the prawn cr*cker insistence?

- Well, I like the way they fizz.

- OK, how about this?

"The industry is like the

Serengeti, and I am a lion.

Michael is a monkey,

a monkey with a stick."

No, I don't think that's right.

- Too dramatic?

- Simon usually has us starting

with something low-key and inane.

All right, what about

one of us has a hobby

that we've never mentioned before?

- Like what?

- I could dig something up.

We don't have that sort of time.

- I could make something up.

- Like what?

Knitting.

- A brass instrument.

- OK, let's take a step back.

- Where are we?

- Let's just stick with character, shall we?

Yeah, yeah, we know them.

- We know them. We know ourselves.

- Yes, we do.

OK. Hotseat. Hotseat!

What motivates you?

Er, panic. What inspires you?

The rising of bread.

What are you afraid of?

Er, magnets. What do you say

when you walk into the room?

"The industry is like the

Serengeti and I am a lion!"

No, no, no!

Nearly.

Nearly.

Do you think Simon WAS angry with us?

Well, more you than me.

I didn't want him to leave.

Well, you shouldn't

have stormed off, then.

Shouldn't have been

mean about his writing.

- You've called him worse.

- Not to his face.

- Yes to his face.

- Yes to his face.

- Have you talked to him?

- No.

Do you think we should call him?

What for?

I don't know.

- You know he's left the industry?

- Really?

- Mm. What's he doing?

- f*ck knows.

Oh, for

Dentistry. Lucy said it's

what their parents do.

It's what our parents do.

I think he just needed

to be with family.

He posted a picture

of himself in scrubs,

so he was cosplaying, at least.

Er, yes. Right.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, sorry, I thought

Yeah. Er, no, I do, I just thought

I do, I just thought

you might set me up.

Series Three. And let me just start

by clearing the air, straightaway.

Er, I am not angry at anyone.

I do not hold grudges. Never have.

-

- Anger ignored is anger improved.

-

- Look,

nobody likes conflict in the workplace.

No-one likes to be criticised,

especially when you feel

you tried really hard.

Er Yeah.

Well, when you've written 250

pages of those two at each other,

it can be hard to come

up with new material.

I needed to.

Now I need to do something different.

-

- Yes.

-

- Mm-hm, yeah.

There's a slight short cut

there, because my father

and mother are dentists, so

Well, it says Dr Evans

on the door, doesn't it?

- Is it?

-

Well, don't google anything

medical, would be the first thing.

Oh, hi, hi.

Mm-hm. Yes. Yes, I will.

Uh-huh, yeah.

How else do they take temperature?

Of course, I could have

got Simon to come back,

but there didn't seem to

be much point, to be honest.

David and Michael seemed

to be getting somewhere.

You know, pressure

turns coal into diamonds.

What time is it?

It's nearly four.

Urgh. Pfft. 15 pages an hour?

Easy!

God!

Where's our lunch?

I don't know. Did you call?

- You heard me call!

- Oh, yeah.

The prawn cr*cker insistence.

Sounds like a Robert Ludlum novel.

Have you seen The Trip?

- The Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan thing?

- Yeah.

Yeah, well, we basically

copied their formula.

I mean, we could just copy

and paste bits of their script

and change the lines a

bit. No-one would know.

- Everybody would know.

- Why are you so testy?

- I'm too hot!

- Well, go back to the window again!

- I don't want to!

- Why not?

Because I'm deafened by the drill!

Argh!

- Georgia says

- You know, you say that a lot.

- Hm?

- "Georgia says."

Well, she does, she says

that you criticise me

to cover up your own insecurities.

Oh, does she? She says to me

that you dress up your

thoughts as hers in conversation

to cover YOUR insecurities.

- Oh, does she?

- Yes, she does.

- Well, I'm not insecure.

- Neither am I.

- I am over six foot tall!

- I am brimming with testosterone!

I'm starting to feel that you're

angry with me about something!

- Why do you think that?!

- I don't know!

Have I done something?

- I'm just hungry.

- Well, I'm tired.

- And I don't like writing.

- No, neither do I.

- I thought it would be easier.

- Yeah. If Simon can do it

And I've read lots of other scripts.

I thought I would have

picked up the basics

kind of by osmosis, you know.

So why did you say

you wanted to write it?

I didn't say that, you did.

I did?

- Didn't you?

- I didn't.

The I before E rule

completely baffles me.

I get mixed up with the A

and the E in my own name.

You wanted to write it!

- No, YOU wanted to write it!

- Says who?!

Georgia!

Oh, lookie here.

Hi.

Hi! Just checking in.

- Mm.

- How's it all going?

- Well, the drilling's very loud.

- And we're hot.

- I'm tired.

- I'm very hungry.

- Yeah. That sounds stressful.

- Oh, it is. Very stressful.

Well, I'm sorry to add to

your troubles, but, erm,

there's talk of rolling blackouts too.

Georgia,

did you tell both of us that the

other one wanted to write this?

Did you?

- Yeah.

- Argh!

Wha

- Why?!

- I just wanted you working together.

I just thought it would

make good television.

We're not writers!

I didn't need you to be

writers. Not necessarily.

People just like to watch you tussle.

- I'm sorry. What? Tussle?

- Mm. Fight.

This was for the documentary.

- What?

- The Making Of thing.

Look, if you'd written

a script, then great.

And, you know, if not,

at least we had something.

We're not !

- We're not bullfighters.

- Ha! I know you're not bullfighters.

- We could be bullfighters.

- We could.

You're like a modern-day c*ck.

You know, the scrawny birds

sort of squawking at each other.

Beanbag and Beanpole.

Beanbag and Beanpole were us!

Oh, it was you! It was you

at the Chinese on the phone!

- What?

- And what about the noise and the heat?

- I don't understand.

- She's been keeping us hungry!

And hot! And tired, and deaf.

Why are you working at

a Chinese restaurant?

OK, OK. I give up, I give up.

Get someone else to write it!

Simon?

- He might be upstairs.

- Simon!

Really, just Erm

Maybe put

some rubber bands around it.

Or, erm, some Scotch tape.

Just hold it there until

the pain goes and call me

back.

Root canal.

You're speaking into

a television remote.

- They need you back on the show.

- Who does?

- Georgia. She sent me to get you.

- Why didn't she come herself?

Oh, erm, her and David are

having a heated conversation,

something about smoke

alarms and bullfighters.

I'm a dentist now.

I don't think you are.

No.

What's all this?

Well, I was trying to

find something to do.

You know, palmistry is an

option, or or gardening.

I can write songs, or or

could be a university professor.

- What do you want to do?

- I want to write.

- Well, then, come back and do that.

- I can't, though,

can I? I tried. Really.

I tried to do something

new, something different.

I put David in Japan,

I put Michael and David in

a in a farce. I tried

No-one seemed to notice.

- Then Michael left.

- Michael wants you back.

What about David?

He wants you back too.

Sorry it took me so long to reach out.

Sorry I was stupid.

Oh. Ha! You're here now.

Just need to get it written.

So, erm, the guys are in here.

So, if you want to

If you want to knock.

Oh, Simon!

There's a sight for sore eyes!

- I brought balloons.

- I mean, I f*cking love balloons.

And food.

Simon

I know there's making up to do,

and a lot of apologies needed.

But you,

this

food.

Here.

Now.

OK. All right.

Listen, Simon's here all night,

the heating is fixed and

the drills have stopped.

- And we have food!

- And you have food.

- And thanks to Simon.

- Thanks to me.

OK, right, can you, erm

get me something by

morning, OK? I'm off now.

It was the responsible

choice, getting Simon back.

Getting the script written.

The documentary was always the backup.

Is this the whole order?

OK, this is a good a good start.

Simon?

Just needs a bit of, er,

er, polish, I suppose.

Where's the prawn crackers?

Where's the prawn crackers?

Argh!

Conflict and tortured souls,

make-ups and break-ups,

food fights and explosions.

"Simon has left Series Three.

David and I are devastated.

It's one thing to have to move on

without a trusted colleague

and creative powerhouse.

It's another to continue

without a friend.

Simon is a precious person,

and we wish him all the

best in his future career."

- Lovely. That's lovely.

- Thank you.

- Did you ever release t