02x05 - Such Forgiving Girls

[bunniefuu]

There he is. The
yellow-sticker boy.

Remember, girls, show no mercy.

Please be gentle.

Tonight, we feast!

See? At five minutes to ten, they
do the double-yellow reduced labels.

A fantastic haul. £100
worth of food for £20.

-What a saving.
-Yeah, but half of it's off.

Well, your figure could do with the
food poisoning, so it's win-win.

And I got chocolate
rolls for 29p.

A bit stale, just how I like it.

This is your fault, Josie.

We'd be driving home if you
hadn't total led the car

-trying to escape your own wedding.
-Nah, walking's much better.

We're lionesses dragging
home a fresh k*ll.

-It's feminist.
-I'm not a feminist.

All that campaigning, and
for what? To work and vote?

Sounds like a lot
of f*cking effort.

Yeah, I'm not feminist either.

I like a man to take care of me.

-So why isn't Dev picking us up?
-He's got a more important job.

He's getting rid of
the f*cking boxes

and moving the f*cking boat.

That man in there
is on strike three.

Strike three out of what?

Darling, I can't help but notice
that all the boxes are still here.

Yeah, sorry. I've been working.

SLURPING INHALATION

Have you heard about
love languages?

It's fascinating.

Ooh! What's in the bag?

Ha-ha!

Oh, no. No. They're a bit stale.

Where is your car and why is
your boat still on the drive?

-I sold it.
-You sold your car?

Oh, yeah. To pay for
the counselling course.

Why the f*ck didn't
you sell the boat?!

Now, that's not very
loving language, Deb.

Sorry.

SOFTLY: Why didn't you
sell the f*cking boat?

Sell the Lovely Lisa when
she brings us so much joy?

Wouldn't do that
to you, sexy bum.

-Oh-h*!
-We need that car.

Oh, I'm sorry, Deb. I thought
you'd be happy for me.

As they say in
counselling - probably -

it's better to ask for
forgiveness than permission.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, back in a minute.

Time for my mindfulness.

DEV HUMS

Forgive me.

Can I please ask you to use
nonviolent communication?

-I'll give you nonviolent communication!
-Ow!

Not the chocolate rolls!
Stop it! They're hard!

I thought you'd be
supportive, Deb!

This is giving me
flashbacks to when Dad left.

At least Dev can't take
all the Blu-rays this time.

Or Daddy the cat.

RIP, forever in our hearts.

Selfish, penny-pinching,
miserly arsehole!

SEB: - Don't say that.
You love him, really.

The man downstairs isn't Dev.

He's a leech from hell
sent to bleed us dry!

Come on, Mum, you
don't mean that.

We need to get rid of the
drains on this family.

Well, there's no need to
bring my wife into this.

Why the f*ck is the
bathroom door locked?

There are no secrets
in this house!

-Nicky.
-Deb.

The drain's clogged again.

SHE WAILS

They're not going to break up.

You'll all feel so
silly for worrying.

HE SOBS

It's just a little, tiny break.

We love you all very much.

Oh, for God's sake.

All of you just need to grow up!

Captain Cheapskate's gonna
move his f*cking boxes TONIGHT!

You know, I can't believe
you're kicking me out.

-Get in.
-Right when I was about to fix the hole in the bathroom floor.

Absolutely. The same
day you pay for dinner

and we all feast on
a FLYING f*cking PIG!

Because you're CHEAP!

I swear to God, I will not have
any more dead weight in this house.

Especially you two. No more of
this conceiving-a-son nonsense.

I mean it.

Mm, mm, mm!

Get in there, my son!

Oh!

Yeah, I think that was it.

You're definitely pregnant now.

Yep.

URINATING

OK, I think I've
pissed most of it out.

That's the last time I'm picking
up the morning-after pill for you.

The woman in there thinks I have
a fetish for unprotected sex.

-You do.
-Just tell him you don't want to have his baby.

I don't want to
make things awkward.

Maybe having a baby
wouldn't be so bad.

Seb promised he'd take
me away from here.

Having a baby just feels like a
small price to pay for freedom.

sh*t. You're right.

You should probably
have his baby.

But everyone who has a
baby is insufferable.

The worst. I've spent
nine months constipated,

but I'm not forcing everyone
to look at pictures of my sh*t.

Why is Seb so
desperate to procreate?

Maybe he's bored. Men need
multi-sensory stimulation.

That's why Nicky watches
porn while he's f*cking me.

Babies scare me.

What if someone
asks me to hold it?

What if I hold it wrong and
everyone thinks I'm a paedophile?

I don't want people to
think I'm a paedophile.

Listen to me. You don't
need to have his baby.

Stop letting him enter you.

I have to. I'm stuck.

Plus, he looks so sad.
Which you know turns me on.

He thinks Deb and Dev breaking
up means true love isn't real.

Me and Nicky have true love.

Yeah? How long is he
going to be here for?

As long as it takes.

Until we get the money
for Billie's cabaret bar

and live happily ever after.

But what happened to the
last money you gave him?

And why's he back
from Manchester?

Josie, I don't know how many
times I need to say this -

he's got an
avoidant-attachment style.

He was avoiding me,
now he's attached.

Honestly, it's not
rocket science.

The point is, he's here now,
and I know exactly where he is.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Have you seen Nicky?
-No.

Weird. Who?

Hmm, yeah, no idea, actually.

He's been gone for weeks.
I hacked his emails.

He bought a one-way ticket
on Trainline to Crawley.

Well, he's definitely not here.
We should go and look for him.

f*cking hell, it's
looking right at me.

Hello, mister. What's your name?

Seb, it's a f*cking baby.

It can't even speak. How the f*ck
is it supposed to know its name?

-Can I hold him?
-Yes, please. I'm exhausted.

Ah!

You can watch him, actually.

-Me and Bianca have an errand to run.
-Er, no, thank you. -Yes, please.

-Oh, er...
-I will fight with every fibre of my being

to protect this
precious new life.

Come on, Bianca, let's
go. Quick! Mum's upstairs.

Trust me, it's fine. We'll be
gone for ten minutes, tops.

Give yourself a break.
You look so, so tired...

...and old.

Bye.

It's so weird seeing
you with a baby.

Whose is it?

-It's mine.
-Artificial insemination?

What? No, it's mine and Nicky's.

Oh, that's weird. Two
boyfriends called Nicky.

-What are the chances?
-Er, no, there's just one Nicky.

He's the father.

I don't understand.

Nicky, the one that chose me,
we went to Manchester together?

He's the dad. I'm the mum.

It's our baby.

Oh.

-All right.
-Yeah.

One second, please.

SILENTLY

You ready?

I'm just so happy for you.

Is it trained? I feel like
it's going to bite me.

Honestly, Josie. Trust me.
Hold it and you'll see.

No, I'm too scared.

Its eyes are following
me around the room.

BABY COOS

Don't point that thing at me.
Where the f*ck has it come from?

-Send it back.
-It's Bianca's baby. We're just watching him.

Look at it. All it does
is eat and sh*t and cry.

I've got a house full of
people who already do that.

Honestly, 18 years of that.

You think it's over, and then it
decides it might be an artist,

but never does anything.

-Do I look fantastic?
-Why? Where are you going?

Girls' night. I thought I'd try
and feel better about myself

by visiting a woman
who's life is sadder

than all of ours put together.

- BOTH: - Aunt Wendy.

Well, I'm off out too.

What? Where?

DOOR CLOSES

Book club.

You've not been in ages.
Can't you miss this one?

This is exactly what
I said would happen!

We have this baby and you expect
me to give up my social life?

You just want me trapped at
home, cooking your dinner

and putting your jumpers
in the washing machine.

No, thank you!

Those are hand-wash only.

DOOR CLOSES

Girls' night!

-A casino?
-Yes, just like in the movies.

It's fun. You need some of that.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, darling.

How utterly terrible.

We all said this would happen.

How awful.

I just wanted to come
for a pep talk, you know?

Single woman to single woman.

Obviously, you've
been single for years,

so I knew you'd understand.

So lovely of you to seek
comfort from your sister

in your hour of need.

Just as the tables have turned.

I'm happily in a relationship.

-You what?
-Yes. And you're not.

Gosh, what a strange
turn of events.

I'm experiencing
life in your shoes.

-Well, your old shoes. My new shoes.
-SHE CHUCKLES

It's funny, isn't it?

Back to being little
old Debbie Downer.

What was all that sh*t
about not needing a man?

Oh, turns out I got
that completely wrong.

It's much easier with a
man. What was I thinking?

He's coming tonight.
I hope you don't mind.

It's supposed to
be girls' night.

See...

...it might be because I'm
a little bit of an empath,

but I can't help but feel
you're annoyed with me.

You're a f*cking Judas on HRT.

-Here he is!
-Ah.

WENDY GIGGLES

-Hello, Debbie.
-You remember James, don't you?

I bumped into him in Morrison's.

Not seen him in years.

Scrubs up good, doesn't he?

I happen to think he looks a
little bit like James Bond.

THEY CHUCKLE

Can't see it myself.

Martinis, ladies?

My treat, obviously.

That's how a real
man treats a woman.

Dev's probably halfway
to Timbuktu by now.

SEAGULLS SCREECH

See what I mean?

Absolutely no chat,
and it stinks of sh*t.

How long was I gone?

He's Nicky's.

Oh, right.

Don't mind me, Deb! I'm
just here to clear my boxes.

-It's just us.
-Oh, thank God.

Stocking up on toilet roll.

Does Deb really think I'm cheap?

Well, when was the last
time you paid for anything?

I wouldn't want to
belittle Deb like that.

I'm a feminist. I
believe in equal pay.

Women should pay
equally for dinner.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, my God!

What?

Did you know they've
got problems with money?

Now you're saying that,
it is ringing a bell.

Do you think Deb would take me
back if I... paid for something?

I think so, yeah.

Wow.

Deb's not a feminist.

Yeah, well, neither am I.

Feminism's gone too
far. I mean, look at us.

Stuck here. All these women
are out gallivanting around.

-They've tricked us!
-For too long, men have stayed at home

with the children while women
just do whatever they like.

I've not been hiding.
I've been in a cage.

It's time we broke free.

How do we do that?

Pub?

A really, really fit man?

In here?

I don't think so.

He's really good at
drawing straight lines.

Oh, Nicky? Um, no, I
haven't seen him for months.

Oh, must be a different Nicky.
I don't know why we're here.

He's never been to
a casino before.

Yeah, maybe not with you,
but we were always in here.

He said I was his
good-luck charm,

which is why he always
bet with my money.

Two shots, please.

Do you remember the
last time we went out?

Not really. I was so drunk.

Me too. I don't
remember anything.

Unless you do.

Now, since we're here, do
you want another drink?

Well, it is nice being
away from little Nicky.

I'll have an Old Passion.

Do you mean an Old Fashioned?

Don't think so.

So I just tap my card down?

Yeah, it's contact less.

Well, I'll be damned!

-Just tap it.
-I know. I... I know.

BEEP

Ooh!

Well, isn't that a thrill?

He's such a little
lad, isn't he?

He's going to be a
heart-breaker when he's older.

A CEO, or a footballer.

Doesn't say much, does he?

The strong, silent type.

Um...

...Nicky's a girl.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I did my best, boys.

Well...

...she could be, like, a
secretary or something.

You know, like... like, a
really, really good one.

Like, a PA to an
astronaut, or a king.

Absolutely.

BABY NICKY CRIES

Oh, Gawd.

What do we do now?

I want to comfort her,

but I can't help but feel like
she's only doing it for attention.

Agreed. So dramatic.

Why do girls always ruin
our lads' night out?

BELL RINGS

Aw, just when I'd gotten the
hang of paying for things.

See? I'm not cheap.

If only Deb could see me now.

Where else can we
go to spend money?

I know a place we can go,

but we need to get rid of
this dead weight first.

CRYING CONTINUES

Oh, have a day off, love.

-What's happening?
-Late-night book club.

It was your idea.

Not that you ever come.

It's become really popular
with uni students, actually.

Why are you puttng
lipstick on? It's only Seb.

-Claire.
-Seb.

Josie, it's your turn
to watch the baby.

-It's lads' night.
-Aw! Of course we can watch him!

He's a cutie.

Come on, then.

Hello.

Hi there.

Er... you left your book
here from last week.

Oh. Whoops.

You've been coming to book club?

The discourse is
very compelling.

Right. See you.

You are determined for this
baby to ruin my social life.

I thought you were a feminist.

-I'm not a feminist any more.
-Me neither.

A house with traditional values

where a man works and
a woman stays at home

is a tried and tested method

that sounds a bit
of all right to me.

I just need to find a man first.

THEY LAUGH

Ooh, this looks fun.

Maybe we shouldn't
gamble tonight.

Classic Debbie Downer.

Still on the scooter, are we?

Only had a car for ten minutes

-before her l*sbian daughter total led it.
-Never mind.

James, go for it.

Haven't got any chips.

How about these?

James! Not Little Miss Mini.

We can't accept these, sir.

They do in Casino Royale.

Yeah, but not in Crawley.

And that was Aston
Martin, not a Mini Cooper.

Uh-oh.

Here we go.

Right. Well, then. Ahem.

You know what they say.

When the fun stops - stop.

Have a wonderful evening.

James, how could you?!

I'm just been silly.

We're getting a new
one soon anyway.

Well, James Bond. I'll get
some martinis, shall I?

-Yeah. -Rowr.
-Rowr.

You selling your car?

♪ Mmm, yeah

♪ Whoa, whoa... ♪

-Oh, do you sing as well?
-Yeah. Um...

...Nicky said I sound
just like Amy Winehouse.

Weird. Must have got us mixed up,
cos - I - sound just like her.

He said to me he's working
on the recording contract.

He just needs me to fund the
studio and hire the manager,

so I'm just waiting for
the loan to go through.

He said my voice is so good
that I need to keep it to myself

because the world isn't ready.

Do you think he knows
any Amy Winehouse?

BABY NICKY WAILS

That's such an
interesting point, Theo.

Did anyone else have thoughts
they'd like to share?

Sorry. Is this your baby?

Er, I've been left with it.

Oh, God. That's awful.

-A single mother?
-Um...

So brave. So impressive.

I guess I am quite brave.

CRYING CONTINUES

So, you're in the market
for a car, Debbie?

How much do you want for it?

James Bond doesn't do
this for the money.

What do you want, then?

I think you know.

I don't.

I... want you to f*ck me.

You what?

Oh, come on! Please!

Please f*ck me!

I've been thinking
about it for ages!

Oh, come on! You
know you want to.

I'll give you my car!

Aw!

Yeah, I guess we just
have a special connection.

-They're gorgeous.
-All right, paedophile!

Honestly, all this
attention is too much.

Don't mind me, everyone.
Just carry on reading.

I'm just looking after my baby.

Charlie!

It's me, Josie,
from the psych ward.

Would you like to meet my baby?

Well, is it yours?

What, you think I'm some weirdo
nonce with someone else's baby?

Of course it's mine!

Oh.

Wow.

He's not a sex pest.
He's James Bond.

-James Bond IS a sex pest!
-I knew you'd say this.

Suddenly you get dumped, and
I'm the more f*ck sister.

And it's hard for you
to take, I understand.

But don't start making up
lies just for attention.

You're just jealous
because I'm happy,

and you're back to being
Debbie f*cking Downer.

Listen to me. He
begged to f*ck me.

No, Debbie, you listen to me.

It's not my fault
your life's sh*t.

Two feral daughters - one is
a l*sbian, pardon my French -

but don't take that out on me.

I am the more f*ck sister.

Boys, get ready for the
wildest night of your lives.

THEY LAUGH

BUZZING

Oh, come on, please!

For old times' sake. I
was your best croupier!

Oh, for God's sake. It was
a prank call on my stag.

Of course I don't have a g*n.

What, you think I'm just going to
whip out a g*n and sh**t everyone?

What, you think I've
got a g*n in my bag

I'm trying to get inside
to finish the job?

Seriously?!

Go on.

♪ Well, sometimes
I go out by myself

♪ And I look across the water

♪ And I think of all the
things what you're doing

♪ And in my head
I paint a picture

♪ But since I've come on home

♪ My body's been a mess

♪ And I've missed
your ginger hair... ♪

f*ck feminism. Women don't control
us. We play by our own rules.

♪ Won't you come on over?

♪ Stop making a
fool out of me... ♪

BOTH: - ♪ Oh, why don't you
come on over, Valerie? ♪

Wow, you do sound just like her.

So do you.

Ah!

I knew it. You're
still a feminist.

-Only for you.
-Oh!

-Say it!
-Argh!

Say I'm the more
f*ck sister!

Book another smear test,
you single, old hag!

Hey, you two! This
isn't feminism.

Feminism has gone
too f*cking far.

I don't need feminism.

I've got a boyfriend.

You should both be ashamed.

This is what a
feminist looks like.

Come on, baby.

Look, Deb, I am sorry your
life has turned out this way.

Two l*sbian daughters?

Men take one look at you
and run for the hills.

Spencer was right to leave you.

And I'm not surprised Dev
doesn't pay for anything

cos you're not worth anything!

You're right. Thank you.

Have you ever heard the phrase,

"Ask for forgiveness,
not permission"?

No, why?

No reason.

Run away with me.

Well, where would we even go?

Paris. Just you and me.

We'll run Bianca Bar together.

- VAGUELY FRENCH
ACCENT: - La Bianca Bar.

-You'd really do that?
-Bianca, listen to me. You're everything.

We're going. We're starting
again. We could do it ourselves.

Raise Nicky with two mums.
What's more feminist than that?

He'll be the most naturally
blonde baby in all of Paris.

Yes, yes! Let's do it! When?

Now. We're getting little
Nicky, and we're leaving.

Wait!

Can I still be in the Perfect p*ssy
Club even though I've had a kid?

I don't know.

You'll have to let
me have a look.

A single mother? I had no idea.

And stealing your education
back from university, too?

-It's amazing.
-And look at me.

Holding it completely normally.

Not thinking or
doing anything weird.

I got you completely
wrong, you know.

I thought you were a bit crazy,

but postpartum depression
is a very real thing.

That's OK. Most people
don't understand me.

But maybe... you do.

Where is she?!

Please, be quiet. We've
got a mother and baby here.

-That's not her baby. -It's mine.
-You don't even like babies.

Look, it's not my fault, OK?
Everyone was giving me attention.

What was I supposed
to do? Tell the truth?

I can't handle the truth!

You need help.

You should be back
on the psych ward.

She did try. They just
wouldn't take her.

-That was quick.
-My card's been blocked because of unusual activity.

What's the unusual activity?

I've been using it.

All been OK out here?

It was rough. Kind of
felt like that time

you all forgot me at
the petrol station.

Oh, no, we didn't forget you.

Josie asked us to drive away.

-What?
-Yeah, when Deb was shouting out the window, "She's g*y."

Thought she was saying,
"This way, Seb. This way."

I thought she was
telling me to follow.

Be honest with me.

Do you think Josie doesn't
want to be with me at all?

If I'm being honest,

I really don't think Deb
was shouting, "This way."

I think Josie
might be a l*sbian.

She married me. We're
trying for a baby.

Why would a l*sbian do that?

I just don't think there's
any pleasing these women.

I think I'm going to stay
out just a little longer.

Where will you go at this time?

Seb?

This is so exciting. A one-way
coach trip to Paris with no stops.

Croissant for three!

Perfect p*ssy Club on tour.

Perfect p*ssy Club on tour.

I know! I'm so excited.

I'm just going to go and ask the
driver when we're going. One sec.

SHE SIGHS

BUS ENGINE STARTS

I love you.

I think I do want to
have a kid with you.

I don't know.

I'm not sure we're ready.

I know you don't want one.

I changed my mind.

I got so much attention
with that baby earlier.

It was amazing.

I was a natural.

I think I should leave
you on your own for a bit.

What? Please don't go.

I'm starting to worry we're
not right for each other.

You can't leave.

Um, er...

...I'm pregnant.

What?

Oh, my God. Well, how
far along are you?

When did this happen? I've
got so many questions! Um...

It's not important.

I'm just so happy!

You were out late.

Where have you been, then?

Book club.

What did I tell you,
girls? We don't need men.

A boot full of gone-off goodies
and door-to-door service.

It doesn't get better than this.

Hector's back.

-Hector 2.
-He's so handsome.

-He is.
-How did you get him?

Forgiveness, not
permission, girls.

Forgiveness, not permission.

CAR ALARM PIPS

Now that's feminism.