01x01 - Delete All Future Events

[bunniefuu]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN] I'd been social distancing

for months when this sh*t blew up.

You know how it is when you stop

hanging out with your party friends,

who are also your only friends.

Plus

my girlfriend just

broke up with me.

[EXHALES] But that's cool

'cause I still had work

to go to every day,

meetings every night.

Working through my steps.

Eating Fudge Stripes. [CHUCKLES]

Then the governor shut us down

since barbershops aren't essential.

But apparently, g*n stores

and liquor stores are.

[SCOFFS]

It was supposed to be two weeks.

Remember that?

So, the business I spent the last

ten years of my life building

is closed until, uh

who the f*ck knows when?

And the boys at the barbershop,

they stopped talking to me

because I pull the plug on them

seeing customers on the sly.

I already buried an uncle from this.

What am I supposed to do?

Spread this sh*t around over a paycheck?

So, uh

it's been rough.

But, uh, mostly, I'm just grateful

for having 118 days when

this shitnado rolled into town.

Because I know what the

old me would have done.

I would have crawled inside

a bottle of Jim Beam and

rode this sh*t out from in there.

Now these meetings are my lifeboat.

So, when the seas get rough

and the waves of sh*t water start

splashing up over the deck,

I know I'll be all right, because

you all are right here with me.

Thanks, Ike.

Does anyone else need a raincoat?

[CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT]

Just Just kidding. Okay, uh

Well, time is up, so I'm

going to unmute everyone

to join me in the Serenity Prayer.

[ALL] God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things

that I cannot change,

the courage to change

those things that I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

- [CHIMING]

- [WOMAN] Thank you, everyone. Bye-bye.

Bye, Charlotte. Bye bye, Sally.

[CLICKS]

[HARMONICA MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLICKING]

[TYPING]

[CHIMES]

[CLICKING]

[CLICKS]

[EXHALES]

[GRUNTING]

Ugh! [PANTING]

[MUMBLING]

[PLAYING BLUES TUNE]

Today, we're starting at the beginning

with how to hold a harmonica.

[PLAYING BLUES TUNE]

[CHIMES]

[CLIPPERS WHIRRING]

[IKE] Uh, angle it more.

- Perfect.

- Ooh. Ooh. Did I f*ck it up?

I don't know. Uh, let me see up close.

[IKE] Not bad.

Any better and you might

never come back to the shop.

[LAUGHS] You kidding, man?

Ten minutes with y'all is

like a therapy session

and a night at the comedy

club at the same damn time.

How's Nathan and T doing anyway?

Eh, you know, like the rest of us.

Hey, it's good on you

for coming up with this.

You know how many Black folk got

jobs they can work from home?

One out of five. The rest of us

are on the g*dd*mn front lines.

I'm afraid to leave my house.

Hey, it's not much safer indoors

with that no-knock bullshit.

A month ago, I thought

the silver lining would be

the pigs would chill the f*ck out,

considering that no one's going outside,

- but they still k*lling us.

- [MAN KNOCKS] You almost done?

- Yeah, nah, nah, I'm coming.

- [MAN] Uh-huh.

Yo, I gotta get back to it. We good?

Good enough. Thanks for

doing this. Stay safe.

- All right.

- [CHIMES]

[SOLITARY ACOUSTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[RINGS]

- [CHIMES]

- What's up, man?

- Everything all right?

- Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, no [CHUCKLES]

but I was just calling

to say hi, you know?

- Yeah, cool!

- [TOY CLATTERS]

What's it been? Since Scully's party?

Sounds about right.

- Dude, the ice luge!

- [BOTH LAUGHING]

Half my lips are still stuck to it.

[LAUGHS] Good times, man.

Good times.

So, how is Scully anyway?

Uh, I'm not sure. It's been a minute.

Whoa. You two were like blood brothers.

Guess I must have pissed him

off one too many times.

What happened? You try

to bone his grandma too?

[LAUGHS]

I'm really sorry about that, man.

- I didn't know she was in that bed.

- What are you talking about?

It was f*cking hilarious.

- Was it?

- Dude, you gotta do the thing.

I don't think I can anymore.

Grandma Betty, that's your "Freebird."

I gotta see it. Come on.

Let's hear it, man.

"Get your greasy paws

off of me."

Guess it's funnier when we're drunk.

- Cheers, man.

- It's a little early for me.

Don't tell me you're one of

these five o'clock people

like my girlfriend?

Day drinking is all we got left.

Actually, I'm trying to

do the sober thing now.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, wow.

Well, you picked a hell of a time.

I had some time in before this started.

- Congratulations.

- Thanks, man.

- [PHONE CHIMES]

- Feels good, you know?

My head's clear.

Don't wake up looking like

ba*ls anymore. [CHUCKLES]

And even though I can't go

to my meetings in person,

there's tons online.

Which is good, since the first

thing they teach about recovery

is not to isolate.

- [CHIMING CONTINUES]

- Girlfriend keeps texting from upstairs.

- I didn't know you live together.

- Only 'cause of this.

Plus, she's got a kid.

So the three of us are here together

all the damn time. [CHUCKLES]

Holy sh*t

- He's adorable.

- Yeah, they gotta make them that way,

otherwise you'd m*rder 'em

halfway through Candyland.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, have fun.

Um, great catching up with you.

Where's that ice luge when you need it?

[CHIMES]

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[TYPES]

[CLICKS]

[CLICKING]

[CLICKS]

sh**t.

[CLICKING]

[CLICKS]

[TYPES]

[RINGING]

[CHIMES]

[CLICKS]

[TYPES]

[RINGING]

[CHIMES]

- Hey, there he is.

- Hey. It's a bad time?

No, are you kidding?

In time for dinner.

My masterpiece. There you go.

[IMITATES CAMERA SHUTTER]

I put so much garlic,

you could probably smell

it through your screen.

- That ought to cure your COVID.

- Actually, I put bleach in it,

just in case. But don't tell my boys.

They're very picky eaters.

Hmm.

So, what's up?

Whatever's up anymore, huh? Nothing.

Well, you called me,

so, something's the matter.

What, you run out of TP again?

Huh.

I, uh called Raquel.

- Ah. How'd that go?

- It didn't.

I hung up before she could answer.

Did you know that she's

already dating someone else?

I'm sorry. Not dating. Uh, cohabitating.

- During quarantine.

- All right. All right, man.

People don't like being alone.

Yeah. I'm aware.

Yeah. Hey, Tommy, will you come here

and stir this for me

while I sit out back?

You know? Call me back

some other time. It's okay.

No, it's fine. I want to talk to you.

Hey, and when I say stir it,

you gotta sit next to it

the whole time I'm gone.

[TOMMY] The whole time?

Why do I have to?

[GENE] Because that's how risotto works!

Good God.

- Ahh. Sorry, continue. Go ahead.

- [IKE] It's stupid.

Especially when so many people

have actual problems, you know?

You know what it's like when the

only living thing you see all day

is a f*cking house plant?

Meanwhile, people have wives or a kid

or a jacked-up quarantine f*ck buddy.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- [IKE CHUCKLES]

Did I ever tell you about the

the bender that I went on

after my wife left me?

Mm-mh.

My sons were, like, three and five.

Oh, it was f*cking epic.

Ugh.

Middle of the night, she

she takes them, right? So

I wake up next morning, and I'm

like, "Where's my f*cking family?"

[CHUCKLES] So, I call in sick to work,

throw a case of High Life in my truck,

and I spend the day driving

around in circles.

Around her parent's neighborhood.

And it did not get me my kids back,

but it did get me a restraining

order and a DUI.

[SIGHS] Sounds rough, man.

I just wish [SIGHS]

I just wish Raquel could see me.

Now that I'm different.

Yeah. This sh*t doesn't work if

you're doing it to prove something.

You know?

Your main job now is just focus on you.

[SCOFFS] If I focus on me any more,

I'm gonna get myself pregnant.

[LAUGHS]

- [CHUCKLES]

- Yeah, it's not easy.

It's not easy being by yourself, man.

But at the end of the day,

it's really all we got.

And I know you're going nuts

stuck at home by yourself,

but you're a creative guy.

Maybe you ought to use this time

to figure out how to

keep yourself company.

[TOMMY] Dad!

It stuck to the bottom.

Hey, go eat your food, man.

Don't worry about me. Really.

- Yeah? You sure you're okay?

- [IKE] Yeah.

I mean I will be.

[SIGHS] All right. Well,

you call me any time, okay? I'm here.

- I love you, man.

- Thanks. I love you too.

[GENE] How you gonna

stir that from the couch?

You got a ten-foot spoon

hidden some place?

[CHIMES]

["LONELY" BY SWAMP DOGG PLAYING]

[IKE HUMS]

- [SIGHS]

- I'm so lonely ♪

- Okay, say cheese.

- I'm so lonely ♪

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

I'm lonely, baby ♪

[TYPING]

I'm so lonely ♪

[CHIMING]

I get lonely for you, baby ♪

Yes, it's you I want ♪

Only baby ♪

[TYPES]

Ain't no woman been in my life ♪

Since I met you ♪

[TYPES]

That's why I can't figure out ♪

Why you're doing the thing ♪

That you do ♪

[IKE] Can I open 'em?

[GASPS]

Ohhhh! Wow!

I knew you were up to something.

I'm so mad at baby ♪

Man don't suppose to

have to live like this ♪

[DISTORTED] I'm so lonely ♪

[NORMAL] I'm so lonely ♪

[CLICKING]

f*ck.

[WOMAN] So I dropped out,

moved home,

broke up with my boyfriend

because everybody knows

- the long-distance thing never works.

- [CHIMES]

When I first got sober, I thought

the accident was my bottom.

That was only part of it.

It was all the things

- I threw away after.

- [CHIMES]

[WOMAN] So

now I'm right back where I started.

Sleeping in my old room.

Trying to start over again.

Only, I don't know how to

make a new life for myself

- when there is no future to make it.

- [CLICKS]

[CHIMES]

[CHIMES]

[CLICKS]

[EXHALES] You're making me seasick.

[IKE] You're trying to fight it.

Move with the motion

like riding a horse.

When have you ever

gone horseback riding?

[IKE] When my parents forced me

to go to summer adventure camp.

A counselor put me on a

pony named Butterscotch.

- Butterscotch?

- [IKE] Thing was all sway-backed.

Like, 90 years old.

- And I was a husky kid.

- Oh, no. Did you hurt it?

[IKE] Did I hurt it? f*cking

Butterscotch nearly k*lled me.

He bucked me right off of it.

I had to go to the

infirmary and everything.

- [CHUCKLES] Poor little Ikey.

- [IKE] "Poor little." You know what?

- [LAUGHS] Ike, I'm not kidding.

- [IKE] Ahhh!

- Ike, stop. Stop. Ike. Ike, no!

- [IKE LAUGHS]

[LAPTOP POWERS-UP]

[CHIMING]

[CLICKS]

[GENE SIGHS] Hey, you know I don't

do any of that Snap crap or

or whatever the f*ck, but

[CLEARS THROAT] Tommy showed

me that video you posted.

So I'm, uh

I'm calling to check in and also

to remind you that I love you.

And that I am here for you.

Anytime day or night.

And this too shall pass.

And a bunch of other

f*cking bumper stickers.

So call whenever you want.

Okay? Since you're never

interrupting me 'cause

there's no more g*dd*mn baseball.

[IKE SLURRING] What's wrong?

Is your steak overcooked?

'Cause you haven't touched it.

[CHUCKLES]

Of course you can care about the

environment and still eat red meat.

Well, if I'm a hypocrite,

then you're a f*cking cannibal.

[LAUGHING]

"Get your greasy paws

[SHOUTS] off of me!"

[LAUGHING]

I tried to make amends.

But you rejected it.

[SNIFFLES] You didn't

you didn't take my calls.

You didn't open the letter.

[SNIFFLES, SOBBING]

You want to know what

the funny thing is?

Hmm?

Aside from being a grown man who

talks to a f*cking house plant

Fern. Sorry.

I never even liked your

friend Kim anyway.

[SOBBING]

I don't know why!

I don't want to be that way either!

[CONTINUES SOBBING]

[CLICKS]

Hi, my name is Ike.

And I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Ike.

- Hi, Ike.

- Hi, Ike.

Hi, Ike.

Hey.

- Hi, Ike.

- Hey, Ike.

- Hi, Ike.

- [ALL] Hi, Ike.

- [WOMAN] Welcome.

- [MAN] Welcome back.

["WHO'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU?"

BY SONNY BOY WILLIAMSON PLAYING]

To you, darlin', when I'm gone ♪

I wonder what's gonna happen, baby ♪

To you when I'm gone ♪

Because you ain't

making enough money ♪

To keep your business going on ♪

All right! ♪

[HARMONICA PLAYING]