03x08 - Float Down

[bunniefuu]

How's it going?

Imperial Valley, let's go!

Let's get those rigs tied.

Vapes sealed, lips greased.

I want all you beautiful
b*stards lubed up

and ready to
float for 1400.

Attention, everybody.

The Dew-bar is here for
all your float needs.

Liquors.

SPF 25 to 50.

Pepto.

Beef jerky.

Imodium if things go south.

Gravol if things go north.

You name it, Dewster's got it.

Cheers!

The prodigal son
of Conch is here!

The man, the myth, the Medhi!

The Med man.

Medhi, what can I get ya?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Today I'm the DF,
the designated floater.

You know, boys, this'll
be the first float down

I've done sober,
not sh*t-faced.

I might even
remember this one!

It's your lucky day.

I have a fresh batch of my
home brewed non-alcoholic beer.

Oh, that's nice, Leonard.
- Ugh.

Listen up!

I am not your mom.

I'm off the clock.

So if you find your drunk a*s

face down in a
lily pad somewhere

that's between
you and God.

Safety third, f*ck!
- Hell yeah!

Toddler, you're
looking too sober.

You're getting a
little head start.

Mmmhmm.

Where the f*ck is Backwoods?

Where the f*ck is Backwoods?

Oh sh*t!
- Oh f*ck!

That's Taser's kid.

Are you guys touching
junk down there?

Hi Sherry-Ann.
- Hi.

No. We're just, um, we're
looking for coins in the grass.

Pretty sure that's
not where coins go.

Meat's on the move. Heads up.

Meat is on the move.

Yes sir.

And the buns.

Oh-h*-h*!

Don't be a dirt bag!
- Did you wash your hands?

Use the tongs!

They fell into the water,
my dude!

Those things are
crawling in dog sh*t.

Chips coming in.
Flying in. Flying in.

God, I love getting
banged up on the water.

Let's go!

Oh no, no, no, no!

Dewey! Get off of me!

Tase, my boy,

it's a f*cking masterpiece.

Hands down the first and the
best four-man microbrew float

to ever float this river!

What's a "Frig-It", man?

It's a beer boat, bud.

It's a bit weird that Backwoods
didn't even text me back.

Yeah, that is really weird.

Maybe he's... dead?

Jesus. That's where
your mind goes first?

Maybe he slept in.

I don't know.

Maybe it's a car crash or
like a boating accident or,

I don't know,
like a crossbow misfire.

I don't know, Todd.
I'm brainstorming.

I'm quite drunk.

You stay hydrated, amigo.

You too.
- Crossbow?

I saw them making out near
the canoes when I walked up.

Don't sh*t in your own nest.

Constantly lying for them
is giving me f*cking hives.

Party time!
- Let's go.

What the f*ck's that, Leonard?

There's an art to brewing
non-alcoholic beer

that most laymen can't master.

Lucky layman.

Knowing the precise moment to
stop the fermentation process

just short of-

Flavour?

It's like skanky kombucha

With a hint of a*s.

Leonard, let's go.

All right. All right.
All right.

Plug your nose.

Disgusting.

Don't got all afternoon

This thing's heavy, though.
Are you gonna help me?

No, you got it. You got it.

Maybe it's time you
quit spying, kid.

Go build some
sandcastles or something,

steal some
popsicles or whatever.

I'll tell my dad and everyone
you were dry humping.

What?!

I'll scream it right now.

Piece of sh*t!

Unless you give
me some candy.

Oh my god.
This f*cking kid.

Tell me about it. What?

Are we getting
blackmailed by a child now?

Yeah. For the second
time this month.

Listen, you little hustler,

I don't even
know what we have.

Here. I've got Tums.

I've got some lint.

And I've got a moist ciggie.

I'll take the dart.

Ruthless.

Don't smoke.

Your father's
taught you well.

I got a ciggie!
- Ruthless child.

Sucker!

What the f*ck
are we gonna do?

Well, I'm very flattered that
CornPulse is thinking of me.

And you're okay
with the terms?

Oh, the terms are great.

Frankly, there's no
other VP candidate

with your kind
of experience.

We need to fill
the position ASAP.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, she just doesn't stop.

Chelsea, are you still there?

Oh my god!

Chelsea?

Psycho b*tch!

Hello? Chelsea?

I will punt your
face into the sun.

Sorry. What?

Nothing.

I was talking to a seagull.

I hate them.

Okay, so do I.

Right?

So your answer is?

I will let you know
by the end of the day.

Thanks, Donnie.

The almighty river...

slow and wide.

We come to you
drunk and fried.

And as we float together
in a drunken dream,

remember puke
ends up downstream.

That's right, bud.

I'm looking at you there.

Let's not have a
repeat of last year.

Yeah Dewey!

Now normally Backwoods would
lead the shotgun start

but apparently he had something
better to f*cking do today,

so Taser has
kindly stepped in.

All right.

Let the weed hit hard
and your vapes not sink.

May nobody drown while
trying to, um, float?

Drink!

Ah f*ck it!

Beers at the ready!

Yeah!

Let's f*cking go!
- Let's go!

Let's go! Roll 'em up boys!

Get your a*s in the water!

Heads up, everyone.

Get the f*ck out
on the river!

Woohoo!

Woo!

Here fishies!

Hey, Steph, where
the f*ck is Auds?

I haven't seen her
since we got here.

It's weird she's not
out in the water, no?

Yeah, uh, she's,
uh, totally I...

She's...

Sorry. Where
the f*ck is she?

Sorry, Todd. Just pissing.

Can't speak and leak
at the same time.

Wow! You guys got
it set up already?

Yeah. We don't kid around
when it comes to drinking.

Not for float down.
- Not for float down.

Here you go. Yoinks.

Aww. Thanks Conchie.

You don't talk much,
do ya?

Yeah. No.

But he drinks a lot,
like more than us.

Yeah.

Hey!

Hola.

Mind if I park here?

I wanna be close to the bar.

No. It's wide open.

Your usual.
- Thank you.

You don't float?

Well, someone's
gotta supervise.

Plus, I know what's
in that river.

Rusty lawn chairs
and mercury?

Ooh, too soon, Rodd.
Too soon.

f*ck!

She won't leave me alone.

Who's that?

Jenn Conch.
She has no boundaries.

You don't need that sh*t.

She's lucky to have you.

Come on, Homer. Come on.

Do it.

I said I wouldn't do
it anymore, all right?

Do it! Do it!
- Come on.

All right, all right,
all right.

Ch-ch-ch-chuggggg it!

How did Maureen
ever leave that?

Yeah. How's it
going with her?

Did she take your house yet?

Nah, we're fine.

Not planning on a second
or third wife there, Tase.

Working on the fourth, buddy.

Wait. Wait. What did he say?

Nah, you wouldn't get it.

Mind your own
beeswax back there.

This current's brutal.

I'm drifting.

It's your float, man.

You look like Jacques Cousteau
f*cked a filing cabinet.

Yeah. Some of us didn't
get the nod this year

to join the Boyfriend Barge.

Whoa. Hey! Take it easy.
- Hey buddy.

It's your loss.

I float solo, a lone wolf.

You're not gonna float at all
on that piece of sh*t, Dew.

Never mind.

I gotta go throw a quick
wizard in the bushes.

Piss where you are.

You're in a river,
for god sake.

Fish have to drink this water!

It's disrespectful!

A toast to you, my colleague.

Commendable job
navigating sobriety.

Delish.

You know, it's got the
mouth feel of actual beer.

Good memories.

Your approval means
the world to me.

You know, a lot of this NA
stuff tastes like horse piss,

but you, Leonard,
are lord of the lager!

Funny you say that.

I was thinking of trying
to sell it online?

I'm in. I'll be your
silent partner.

We'll be booze barons, uh, like,
uh, I'll be George Clooney

and you can be, uh...

The other guy!

Yes. You'll be the other guy.

Top-up time.

Oh. Got ya, got ya, got ya.

I should float away forever.

Nobody would notice
Dewey was missing.

Ow! My leg!

Son of a warlock!

Ah! I'm stuck!

Help. Anyone.

Homer! Taser!

Step-mommy?

You know, you guys could
be a little nicer to him.

Dewey?

Ah, he knows we're just
giving him the gears.

He likes it, man.
- Yeah.

All I'm saying is that he's been
around a lot longer than I have

and you'll let me on the barge.

I mean, it feels a little,
I don't know.

A little clique-y?

Is that another
word for bullying?

Are we the
"mean girls" of Conch?

Wicked.

I'll be Lohan.

When a few of the
other apprentices

asked to join the float

you guys literally said,
"Are they float material?"

Okay. No, no, no, no, no.

We have standards, okay?

This isn't a soup pot,
it's a stew.

You either bring the spice
or you get skimmed off.

It's not personal.
We're selective.

This isn't intramural soccer.

Not everyone gets to play.

Totally, man.

Oh my f*cking god. Who am I?

You're Homer.

f*ck. Where's Dewey?

He's my sh**ter girl.

Taser's thirsty.

Come on. Float down!

Let's churn some water!

Paddle!

Woohoo!
- Come on!

What's up, Chucky?

Yeah! Keep the pace, people.

Let the river take us!

Woooo!

Almost there,

You got a light?

Help me.

What's in it for me?

Sherry-Ann! Are you smoking?

Don't make me parent
you in front of everyone!

I saw Backwoods and Audrey
making out under the canoes.

They were using
their tongues!

What a little tattletale.

You punk!

This is after I
paid her off.

Oh hey guys. Hey.

I was just peeing.
- Me too.

Yeah, urinating.

Just, uh, pee.
Separately peeing.

What in the f*ck? My f*ck!

Busted!

Yeah, I hate to break it
to you, Todder, but, uh,

Backwoods and your
sister have been banging.

WHAT?!

Shut up, Homer! You rat!
- A lot.

For how long?

Long time. Too long.
What? Total idiot. Yep.

Who knew about this?

I did.
- Me.

We did.
- I did.

I think pretty much everybody.

Jesus!
- We all did.

Yeah.
- They all knew?

Who didn't?
- Uh, over here, bud.

That checks out.
- Totally.

So you all lied
right to my face.

What kind of people are you?

The whole crew's been
taking bets on it.

You're the underdog.

Todd, sweetie,
can I get you a drink?

Actually, he probably
doesn't need another one.

Uh-oh.

Red alert. Red alert. RED ALERT!

He's right pissed!

Betrayal! That's what this is!

An absolute f*cking betrayal!

You two stay right
where you are!

f*cking chill.

Now Todd, have a little drink.

No, you lose some
weed outta my way.

Well, I think we missed our
chance to tell him ourselves.

Maybe we should
just tell him now.

I'm ready.

Backwoods, he f*cking knows!

I know he knows.
- Run!

I'm f*cking running!
- Goooo!

f*cking traitor!

Gotta go! Gotta f*cking go!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

I'm coming for you, you
slutty piece of rabbit sh*t!

Piece of sh*t coming through!

You broke the bro code, bro!

What are you doing?

Uh-oh, I just did a no-no
with my thumb thumbs.

What?

I just sent the entire board
of Conch a pic of, uh,

el presidente.

Medhi, if I didn't
know any better,

I'd think you were wasted.

We're-we're falling behind.
Hurry up.

Row, boy. Row. Row. Let's go.
- Okay. Okay.

We were gonna tell you, I swea

Yeah but you f*cking, did ya?!

Oh!

I hope you f*cking drown!

I'm sorry.
I think I broke my big toe.

Good! I'm gonna f*cking
break the other nine!

Oh!

Stop running around like a
scaredy b*tch-a*s p*ssy d*ck!

Lotta words in that insult.

Todd! Todd!

Todd, I think I love her!

What? You love me?

I thought we
were just f*cking!

You love me now? Jesus!

Don't say the word "f*cking".

I think I just threw
up in my mouth.

f*ck off!

f*ck! OW!

Conchie, get the
f*ck outta the way!

You're ruining my buzz!
- Stephie! f*ck off!

f*ck again. No, no,
no, no.

Stop running away you
big f*cking scaredy cat!

Paddle me over there.

No one is the boss
of me, Toad Stool!

Actually, I am
your g*dd*mn boss!

Ah f*ck off!

Jesus! Ah f*ck!

Get back over here, Backwoods,

so I can punch your
f*cking head in!

Get outta the way!
- Get over here!

You're nuts!

Let go of me!
- No, no, no. Todd!

Best buds don't lie about who
they're teeing off on, bud.

We were gonna tell you

but you're not the
easiest guy to talk to!

Bullshit! I'm perfectly
easy to f*cking talk to!

No, you're not.
- Not true, bud.

We don't do emotions!

We do beers, bongs
and that's f*cking it!

Boys, let the f*ck go of me.

The f*ck off Frig-It!

Let me up! Come on!

It'll be fine.

Come on!

Ahhh!

Sorry. My bad.

Un-f*cking-believable.

My vape!
- I got you. I got you.

Where's my vape?

Uh-oh. I think I'm just
about to do a no-no.

Oh.
- Oh my god, my eyes.

Medhi's got his a*s out!

as*h*le!

I go my vape!

What were you thinking?

That's my sister!

Ah! Not his face!

Save yourself!

f*cking stop it!

Go fer it, b*tch!

Ah, there he goes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

What?

Nice one, Todd!

Make sure your elbow's
in the water, man.

Who wants to crowd
surf with me?

What's up with Medhi?

Sunstroke?

Medhi's down!

Call the medic!

Oh sh*t.

Bev, are you drunk?

Not even a glow.

Oh no.

Oh sh*t!

Oh Todd, do your worst.

I don't care.
I can't f*cking move.

That was awesome!

Dewey woulda liked
that one.

Dewey? Where's Dewey?

Dewey! Here. Come on!

It looks like made the right
choice staying on land.

No kidding.

I better go see if
they broke anything.

Well, well, well.

There ya are.

Oh boy.

You done? Huh?
- Ah, f*ck! Holy f*ck!

Why is everyone
hitting me?

Stop it! Ow!

That's for making our drama
everybody else's problem.

What the f*ck was
that about? Huh?

You two fighting because he
likes her and she likes him?

You knew?

Oh, every f*cking body
knows about Audwoods.

You gotta be a f*cking
moron not to know.

That's nice.

So there's even a name for it.

Your family. Family doesn't
handle sh*t like this.

He lied to me.

She lied to me.

There's a lot of f*cking
lies flying around.

So what?

I pretended to have
shingles for a week

to avoid telling your mom I
lost the house at a casino.

We move on. Like we did.

We all moved on

to that house where we had
to replaced the shingles.

Holy sh*t.
This is full-circle, isn't it?

That's what happened to
our house growing up?

Todd, the point is, so what?

No more casinos, Dad.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

How did you even find me?

You realize this
is my day off?

So I have you on the
"Find my Co-worker App"

just in case I need to
track any of my minions.

That crosses so many lines

personal, legal.

I don't even know
where to start.

A lady as powerful as moi
just doesn't have the time

to play hide and seek, Chels!

You don't have power, Jenn!

You inherited it like a spoiled
kid with daddy's credit card.

Oh honey, I am the bank.

And with Daddy gone,

I get to choose the
"favourite" and guess what?

I choose me.

Ah, I'm done with you.

I'm done with you,
you narcissistic twat!

And guess what?

I quit.

I feel like I
just took a big sh*t.

I want something stronger.

Anybody have any tequila?

Where are ya, Dewey? Hey!

You can come on the barge!

We will let you
be Lindsay Lohan!

Totally, buddy!

Dewey!
- Dewey!

There's Dewey!
- Dewey!

Oh. No. False alarm.

That's just Conchie getting
his tongue workout in.

Go buddy.

Like it. Damn. Don't
mind us. Let's go con.

Whoa, you're still here?

Please little girl...

Help me.

Dewey! Dewey!

Hey buddy, where you at?

I'm here.
- Dad!

I'm here.
- I got eyes on him.

He's in bad shape
but he's alive.

Good work, daughter!

Dewey, blink twice if
you still want to party.

Let's go, boys. Let's go.

Careful with him. He's fragile.

He said yes!

He said yes, Taser.
- We're coming for you, Dewey.

Careful.

Get me outta here.

Get him up! Get him up!

You came back for me?
- Let's get you untangled.

We got you.

So I guess there's
a small chance

that I may have
overreacted a little bit.

A lot of beers and
I snapped, man.

I was seeing red.

I mean it's...
it's f*cking weird.

Right. Kinda like

your best friend's
dating your sister weird.

Pretty much exactly that.

And it's just so
graphic in my head.

We just didn't know
how to tell you.

You don't need my blessing.

And I don't know if I
can stop picturing it.

Maybe I'll be okay.

Nope. Just saw it again. f*ck!

It's a good picture.

Okay, well maybe this is
just as good a time as any

to tell you that I'm-

You're not f*cking pregnant?!

What?!

I need my own space.

Oh. Okay.

I don't know. Maybe it's time
for you to start sharing

that hot tub with someone
that you're not related to.

I think we're ready for both of
us to switch things up a bit.

Hmm...

Whoa. Boss lady.
- Great.

Stop following me!

I'll pay you more.

Oh, CornPulse is
tripling my salary.

Yeah. I'll double it.

I'm done.

Wait. You're leaving Chelsea?

No, no, no. Not yet.

Chels.
- You're one of us.

You can't.

Chelsea boss lady leave?

I love you guys
but it's time.

I'm gonna call Donnie
and let him know I except

CornPulse's offer for VP.

Oh no, Chelsea, don't
leave. Donny not for this.

Ow. Jesus.

Well that was a
Conch phone so...

Worth it!

You corporate Judas!

You were like my sister
and my, my right-hand lady

and like the only person who
knew all my computer passwords.

I know all your
passwords, Jenn.

Not now, Janet.

Well consider this
my two weeks notice.

Consider
this my offer

to pay for all your future
plastic surgery needs.

What?!

I know a great
boob guy in Tulum.

I can get ya on a plane tonight
and have you perky by brunch.

How did your head get
so far up your a*s

that you think new
t*tties is what I'd want?

Everyone loves new t*tties.

What? Am I right here?

I mean...

f*ck! t*tties! Yeah!

Todd will be a
great replacement

for Site Manager.

f*ck that, Chelsea.

You run our refinery.

You're more of a Conch
than she'll ever be.

You earned it.

You worked your bag off
to get where you were.

You're not some idiot that
had it handed to her.

Oooh.

Speak the facts, Todd.

That is a lovely bag
though, Jenn, so...

You know, Chels, you're
right about one thing.

The Site Manager's office
should have a Stool nameplate.

Damn straight.

Finally, Todd!

You! Audrey Stool.

Hmm?
- What? Who?

Huh?

You've just been
officially promoted.

Congratulations.

Whoa, hold on a second.

Wait. What?
- What the hell?

I just got my union card.

Boom. And now you're
management, girl.

Wow. That is so f*cked up.

Yeah. Can she
actually do that?

Isn't it amazing, Todd,

how fast you can
climb that Conch ladder

when you don't
insult the owner?

Effective immediately,

Audrey Stool is our
brand new Site Manager.

Let's go, Janet.
- Un-f*cking-believable.

Okay.
- Janet!

What the hell?

Todd's sister's Todd's boss?

Congrats, I guess.

Hey. No offence, but Audrey?

What the f*ck is
happening right now?

Ugh. Tummy troubles.

Get it out.

Ugh. Must have been
something I ate.

Now sip a little
more Near Beer.

The, the dandelion and goji
have restorative properties.

Leonard, if it wasn't
for your friendship,

I'd be right back
on the sauce.

I'd probably be bent over
a picnic table puking my gu-

guts out.

Leonard. Leonard.
Get over here.

You took our real
beer by accident,

full of actual alcohol.

Yeah. This is your
stupid Near Beer.

which is why I'm
stone cold sober

and not the one making
out with Conchie!

What? Oh no!

To my esteemed...
- What is he doing?

Conch Board of Directors,

in regards to the earlier
image of my p*nis.

It was a private medical image
intended for my urologist

A routine mole check.

Turns out my doctor's email

is shockingly close to
all of yours.

Uh, time to move on, eh?

Forgive and forget.

And, uh, speaking
of hard to forget...

my p*nis!

Wait. What?
- My glorious p*nis!

No! Stop! Stop it!

Stop it!

Put your d*ck away, Medhi!

♪ Lighting up our lives

♪ Those patio lanterns

♪ They were the
stars in the sky

♪ Those patio lanterns

♪ Lighting up our lives

♪ Oh, those patio lanterns ♪

♪ And I was stuck on Joy,
that was her name

♪ We didn't talk much

♪ She was a nervous girl ♪

Hey Chelsea, this is
Donnie from CornPulse.

I'm just checking in.

Hello? Chelsea?

Chelsea? I'm waiting.

♪ Dancing to an old song

♪ Bobby Vinton's
Blue on Blue

♪ Who was gonna be ♪

♪ Under those
patio lanterns ♪

Those patio lanterns