03x08 - The Apartment

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Californication...

(Hank) This is not a good idea.
You're my student.

I really thought you were
gonna kiss me just then.

I've never stepped outside
of my marriage before.

I am flattered, but I'm...

What? Were you just gonna
leave me behind?

The gods have seen fit to give me
another shot with the soul mate.

I gotta be ready for her.

Maybe it's time to stop banging
the entire college campus.

Right you are, m*therf*cker!

You wanted to see me, Professor Moody?

- Look, here's the thing...
- Oh, my God. You're trying to end this thing.

- I've been doing some thinking.
- Me, too.

Look, here's the thing.

- You're quitting. I know.
- (Doorbell)

- David.
- Hey.

You're doing it, aren't you?
Cashing in your freebie.

- I beg your pardon?
- Fine, I'll do it.

You want to throw your life away, use me.

Please! Go!

Ohh!

Come on, show me something.

The hint of a nipple,
the suggestion of an areola.

We'll start small, we'll take it from there.
See how you feel. No pressure...

Unless you want to see my schween!

Because I will totally unfurl for you.
I'm not shy.

Hank, stop it. Your daughter
could walk in any second.

Oh, that's impossible.

It's unlikely, but it's not impossible,

and I'm convinced she does not
want to see your... schween!

Oh, why you gotta talk to me like that?

Besides, there's like
0.0% chance of that happening.

- She's not even on the premises.
- Where is she?

- Huh?
- Where is she?

Oh. She went down
to the liquor store for me.

- (Sighs)
- What? Oh, I hear the front door.

- We're gonna have to Skype later.
- Hank!

- Do not hang up. Hey!
- Honey, you're pixellating.

- Listen, she's with them, right?
- What?

- She's with them.
- Them?

They're not an alien race
bent on intergalactic domination.

Well, how do you know that?
Do you have proof?

No, but you're right.
Maybe I should check the grounds.

Perhaps there's some sort of portal
somewhere in the topiary.

OK, I'm gonna sign off.

No, no, no, come on. No virtual sexy time?

Look, I'll start, and you can join in
whenever you want.

No, you know what?
You kind of broke the spell.

You know, you blew it.

You were agin it when you
thought she was here,

and also now you think
she's with the Tudors.

I can't win with you, woman.

Oh, yeah. Yes!

Yes? That's it. Oh.

There you go. Oh, yeah, come on.

Whoa, oh! God damn you, that's unfair.

To say nothing of bad for my prostate.

Skypus interruptus.

(Knock at door)

(Knocking)

Want to party?

Hi.

(Ringing and vibrating)

(Groans)

(Ringing continues)

Hello.

(Sighs)

Wake up, sleepyhead.
You don't want to be late for class.

- (Moans)
- I remember k*lling that bottle of Jack,

but I do not recall you making the sex
with Betty and Veronica here.

Oh, no, they, uh...

They pretty much just amused themselves.
Could you blame a girl, though?

It's not like you wanted
to have anything to do with us.

Want has nothing to do with it.
I'm trying to be a good boy, you know?

Mm, I don't see what's so good about it.

It's a waste of perfectly lovely
private parts if you ask me.

You never told me what you were
celebrating last night.

Oh, yeah, that. My last dance.

- I'm done.
- With what?

- The stripping.
- Oh, wow, you don't say.

- Really?
- Yep. I'm out.

No more grinding up
on middle-aged hard-ons for me,

except for yours, of course.

Who you calling middle-aged?

You, my old dude boyfriend.

Oh, stop it. You're gonna make me blush.

So what is next for you?

Writing. I'm gonna give it a shot.

I mean, f*ck, it's what
makes me the happiest, right?

Who cares if I die poor, drunk, and alone?

Well, who's to say that you're not
gonna end up like that anyway?

Mm. Well, thank you
for showing me the light, Teach.

Well, it's been my pleasure and an honour.

Just happy that my half-baked wisdom
could assist you in any way...

Oh, no.

Don't tell me you're trying
to break up with me again.

Well, to be fair and balanced,
the term "breaking up" implies

that once upon a time, we were together.

OK, so then, just to be clear,

the sheer amount of no-holds-barred sex
that we've been having recently

does not indicate a certain level of intimacy.

Sure. Sure, it does. What's your point?

God, for someone who loves
women so much,

you sure don't understand them very well.

I know this seems all
Bridges Of Madison County right now, but...

- Oh. (Laughs)
- It's really more of a rite of passage for you.

Every comely college-age
undergrad has an...

an affair with her favourite
middle-aged professor.

- Oh.
- Even my old lady had one,

and it used to bum me out, but now I get it.

It's like she was f*cking me
before she met me.

(Phone)

Her a*s is ringing.
Here, will you hold this?

(Ringing)

Oh, I should take this somewhere else.
Santa Monica, perhaps.

- Tell her I said hi.
- I will not.

City morgue. You k*ll 'em, we chill 'em.

Hey, did she get off to school OK?

- One would hope. Jesus.
- Well, that's not very comforting.

Oh, well, you know, the peoples of the dean,
they are many things,

but not punctual is not one of them.

- Don't worry so much.
- I tried to check in with her.

I texted, I checked her Twitter page.
I got nothing. I mean, no response.

Duh, we're ruining her life, remember?
Or maybe it's game day for the crimson tide.

You know how edgy you get
when Aunt Flo's in town.

Hank, are you trying to piss me off?

You see? Is it... is it arts and crafts week
at panty camp for you, too?

- Hank!
- What was that?

- (Mouthing)
- Uh, what was what?

Someone just said "Hank".

No, that was, uh, the cleaning lady.
The cleaning lady, that was.

Oh, so since when did we have
a cleaning lady?

Uh, soon. Recently.

She doesn't appear to be dusting.
The place is a mess.

You saw that sh*t. It's f*cked up. I gotta go.

- What the f*ck is this?
- She won't wake up.

- Shitness. Is she dead?
- I don't know.

Ooh, that's some intense morning breath.

Cheez Doodles and beer.
Midnight snack of champions.

- She's breathing. What'd she take?
- I have no idea.

- She's like a walking pharmacy, this one.
- She took some X. We both did.

(Knock at door)

(Knocking)

- Top of the morning, chumly.
- h*, what the f*ck do you want?

- This guy know who I am?
- Course he does.

You met at my place, shared a meal, in fact.
Broke some bread.

Where's the respect?
Why's he being a d*uche?

Hey, watch it, Rick Springfield.
I'm in no mood.

Yo! Hey, studs, step back.
No need for a c*ck.

We're here to see about the Porsche, OK?

You're selling, Rick's looking to buy.
We set this up last night, remember?

Yes, I remember now,
but can we reschedule?

I've got a comatose stripper in my bed.

Ha! I been there. Can I help?

- (Thud)
- Oh, ooh! Ooh!

- Ow!
- Man, you hear that? Ha!

Nothing like the sound of a stripper's head
on a hardwood floor.

- What the f*ck is wrong with you?
- What? Oh, you don't rough 'em up?

Oh, excuse me, George Bailey.

Get a load of this guy.
Last f*ck' boy scout over here.

♪ Jessie is a friend

♪ Yeah, I know he's been
a good friend of mine ♪

Charlie, get this a*s clown
out of here before I start swinging.

Oh, yeah? You want to throw down,
bad boy, huh?

You think you can take this? Guess what?

- I sh*t a pint of blood this morning.
- Why?

Charlie, could you get
this girl out of here for me?

I don't know. This is kind of dirty business.
You know, it's a little shady for me.

When was the last time
I asked for something?

What? I got you those reservations
you wanted that time at Mr Chow's.

Yes, you did, spring of 2003.
I remember. I was still with Karen back then.

You think that sh*t is easy? Try it sometime.
Restaurant people can be very dismissive.

OK, all right, all right.
Here's how it's gonna go.

Me and Rick will take her to the ER, see
what's what, leave your name out of it.

And while we're there, we should really look
into why you're sh1tting so much blood.

Let's go.

Easy does it, easy does it.

(Grunting)

(Charlie) Narrow doorway. Safety first.

- You're Rick Springfield, aren't you?
- That's right, tiny dancer.

You look familiar.
You ever shake your a*s for me?

No, but my mom did, back in the day.
I think you guys boned.

Right on. She say good things
about my big ten-inch?

She said you refused
to put a rubber on it.

That's right, baby.
Skin on skin, let the love begin.

Oh, hey, watch what the f*ck
you're doing, Rick Springfield.

You know what? I've just about had it with
this guy and his snotty f*cking comments.

I will f*ck you till your a*s bleeds, cowboy.

Thank God, cos I don't think
that's gonna take very long.

- (Knock at door)
- f*ck!

Really?

sh*t.

I know you're in there, Hank Moody.
I heard the footsteps. Open up.

Get in the bedroom.
Back in the bedroom.

- Jilly!
- (Laughs) Good morning.

Good mor... Just stopping by, huh?
Look at you.

Yeah, I figured I'd catch you
before you left for work.

- Caught me you did.
- Uh-huh.

- You caught me.
- Yeah.

It's a pretty safe bet, considering
you're almost always late.

- (Laughing)
- You gonna invite me in, or what?

(Laughs)
I have something I want to tell you.

- I have news, really big news.
- OK, all right, but can it wait?

I was just about to jump in the shower.

- Perfect. I'll join you and fill you in there.
- No, no, no.

I thought we agreed to stop
those kind of shenanigans for now.

- Yeah, but that's what I want to talk about.
- OK. I'm gonna grab some coffee.

- Would you like some coffee? Cos...
- Ah, not so much.

- I just brushed and had a couple of Altoids.
- Oh, nice, but I'd like a cup.

All right. Go on, go on, and just meet me
in the boudoir when you get it.

No, no! Don't go in there.

- Why?
- Just please don't.

Oh, my God, do you have
a f*cking girl in there?

Give a guy some credit. Maybe
he just laid down some serious wolf bait.

I just took my morning dump.
It reeks to high heaven in there.

- Lovely.
- Yeah, it was.

An almost perfect bowel movement.
Clean as a whistle, barely had to wipe.

- But you did, right?
- I'm not a f*cking animal. Of course I did.

What was it that you wanted
to talk about, doll?

- I've been doing some thinking.
- Oh, you mean some over-thinking.

(Laughs) Shut up, you.

- You!
- Yes?

- I accept you.
- What?

(Laughs) No, I accept you for who you are.

Oh, you accept me. Thanks, I guess.

- You're not listening, stupid.
- I'm listening.

I accept you for who you are.
I don't want to change you.

- (Coffee maker beeps)
- I think we work well together, you know?

Kid or no kid,
snip or no snip, I want to be with you.

- I spent years idolising...
- Sure you don't want some coffee?

No. I think I was in love with the idea of love.

- Tea?
- No, thanks.

- I like what we have.
- Are you hungry?

No, but now I know
that I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with you, Hank Moody.

- (Laughs) Oh, Jill.
- (Jill laughs)

This... it's w... but...

No, don't "but" me. Don't "but" me now.

h*!

Yeah, or I just might butt you back.

(Knock at door)

f*ck! OK, you hold that very naked thought.

Yeah.

- ♪ Who is it? ♪
- It's Felicia.

- Oh! Felicia? f*ck.
- f*ck, yeah. You'll be cool?

- OK.
- All right.

- Stay in there.
- Oh!

Whoo!

- Good morning.
- Good morning to you.

- (Sighs) I can't stop thinking about it.
- What?

Oh. Oh, that.

- Mm, you liked that, did you?
- I did.

That was some very intense
and powerful love-making, Hank.

Mm.

- What's wrong?
- Not a big fan of that term.

Love-making, making love.

I prefer boning, stuffing,
schtupping, banging,

porking, boffing.

(Smacking lips)

Anything, take your pick,
just not love-making.

So much for the afterglow.

All right, so what can I do for you this AM?

- I told him.
- Him?

f*ck. Please tell me that by "him"
you mean your therapist?

No such luck, I'm afraid.

Felicia, why on earth would
you do something like that?

He knew, Hank.

He saw it in my face.
The pure joy,

the glow of a freshly f*cked
and properly tended-to woman.

So I told him. I came clean.

It felt so good. It was the right thing to do.

- Jesus f*ck.
- Jesus f*ck is right. Guess what?

- What?
- I'm leaving him.

Oh, no! Oh, no, you're not!

Yes, I am. Stacy and I
don't make sense any more.

We haven't for quite some time now,
and I was thinking, life is short.

f*ck it. I want to spend the rest of my days
with someone I feel passionate about,

someone who gives me butterflies,

and for better or for worse, Hank,
that someone is you.

Whoa, whoa,
just slow the f*ck down, Felicia.

One session of love-making,
no matter how inspired or transcendent,

does not a relationship make.

- What about the Chelsea?
- What about her?

I don't care how bratty or snotty
that little sh*t is,

she doesn't deserve a broken home.

Oh, she'll get over it.
Becca's clearly weathered the storm.

No, she hasn't.
She's totally f*cked up, that kid.

Karen and I made a huge mistake.

We should have stayed together
at all costs for her.

But we were stubborn,
and we were foolish, Ret*rded, young...

- Shut up and make love to me already.
- Oh.

Or you can f*ck me, bang me,
stuff me. Take your pick.

- Who's that?
- That'd be my agent, my representation.

Charlie Runkle, Felicia Koons.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, the dean's wife.

- Mm-hm.
- Oh, sh*t.

- Nice to meet you, missus.
- Lovely to meet you.

So where were we?

I was leaving my husband for you.

Hold on a second.

Whoo-hoo! (Laughing)

Hey, come on, man,
you want to get in on this?

- You guys are f*cking foul.
- You sure? We got an open hole.

Sweetheart, you OK?

Don't worry.
They're paying for it... handsomely.

Well, I'm paying for it very handsomely.

Hey, I left my wallet at home.
Don't be such a f*cking schnorr.

Jesus. I'm losing my wood.
Come on, say it, baby, say it.

- I'm getting f*cked by Rick Springfield.
- (Rick laughing)

♪ You better love somebody ♪

Whoo!

♪ It's late, you better love somebody ♪

- You OK out here? What are you doing?
- What does it look like?

Oh, that? I got an apartment full of classics,
and you gotta go with that one?

What's the big deal? I've heard good things.

Yeah? Well, what do you think?
Thoughts, criticisms?

- What do you got?
- I like it, a lot. She's a good writer.

My kind of girl, obviously.

So, uh, can we leave yet?

Uh, no, I still got some fires to put out.

OK. Are you proud of me for quitting?

Absolutely. You done good, kiddo.

Thanks.

Hey, don't think we're done with the
boyfriend-girlfriend conversation just yet.

Hello, Hank.

- Morning, Stacy.
- The front door was open.

Oh, I can be very neighbourly that way.

You never called me Stacy before.
Wonder why.

I don't know. Just rolled
trippingly off the tongue today.

Oh, something must be different.
Oh, that's right. You f*cked my wife.

OK. Well, there's that.

What could you say?
What could you possibly say, Hank,

to take away the hurt
and the pain of being cuckolded?

I got nothin'. I got nothin' at all.

Uh, I'm sorry. The well is dry.

I think you should hit me. Want to hit me?

Head, gut, it doesn't matter. It's only fair.

No, I don't want to hit you, Hank.

I just want to try to understand,
how do you do it?

- Do what?
- Well, you obviously have this... this...

this thing with women,
some very strong connection,

that no matter what you do, no matter how
big of an a*s you are, they seem to respond.

- You're a g*dd*mn girl whisperer.
- OK.

Have you listened to your wife lately?

She gives every indication
of being a woman scorned.

Far be it from me to poke my nose
into the dean's business,

but it seems to me like you hurt her first.

You're right, I did.

I was weak. I cheated.

- Well...
- Stepped outside my marriage.

- Humiliated my better half.
- Yeah. It happens.

But she was so hot, Hank,
this student of mine.

- You should have seen her.
- Dean-o.

- A priest would have defiled this girl.
- Wow.

You might want to keep
those kind of details to yourself.

Oh, Felicia is wonderful.

A beautiful wife, a beautiful mother.

I was in love with her
the first moment I set eyes on her.

I knew she was the one. She was
always a little reserved in the sack.

- The British, you know.
- Yeah.

There was never a surplus of oral,

and whatever there was dried up
right after the wedding.

- OK.
- I never understood that.

- Yeah. Here you go.
- A man likes to get his d*ck sucked.

Well, you know.

Maybe if you took a g*dd*mn shower
once in a while.

Do you really think a woman
wants to go down on a man

who just walked in off the tennis court?

Or just came in from a ride, huh?

You think I want to peel off those sweaty
bike shorts and go to town? Disgusting!

I'm sorry, Felicia,
but that just so happens to be

when this man is at his horniest,
you know that.

- Have you heard of compromise?
- Compromise. I like where this is going.

Divorce court, that's where this is going.

What are you doing here anyway?

A free pass means once,
no repeat business.

We're gonna discuss this in therapy.

- Just you watch.
- Excellent idea.

- Therapise the f*ck out of this sh*t.
- And you're coming with us.

- Oh, that's an awful idea.
- It is awful.

Do you know how much of my life
I've wasted

pretending we can jabber
through our issues?

No more, Stacy. No more.

I'm in love with someone else.

Yee...

Are you in love with my wife, Hank?

That's a ridiculous question.

Well, she seems to be in love with you.
Do you feel the same?

- Feel the same?
- Do you love her?

(Door shuts)

(Laughs)

- What do we have here?
- What are you doing home?

- School closed? What is it, a snow day?
- What are you guys doing here?

I believe that question should be
directed at you, young lady.

- Copy that, m*therf*cker.
- I left one of my books here. I needed it.

Well, you could have called me.
I would have brought it to you.

I'm gonna take you right back to school now,
you little guttersnipe.

No more double-talk. I'm taking your lying,
no-account a*s back to school, pronto.

- Excellent idea. Let's go.
- Wait a second. Why are you guys here?

- Actually, we were chatting about you.
- Yes.

We were talking
about your offensive behaviours,

which apparently seem now
to be not so unjustified, do they?

Hey, Becca. Becca?

- Dad?
- Yes, daughter?

Why is there a naked lady in my bedroom?

Is that my kimono?

- (Chelsea laughs)
- Yeah.

- Way to go, Hank.
- (Felicia) Oh, my God.

Were you sleeping with your TA
the whole time you were sleeping with me?

- What? Mom!
- Well, to be fair, it was only the once.

- Bullshit.
- No, I was referring to Flea and I.

- I counted three times.
- Oh, all in one night doesn't count.

Your dad's f*cking my mom.

- Dad, anything to say about this?
- I think this calls for a family meeting.

- Good thinking.
- Oh, anyway?

- (Smoke alarm beeping)
- (Charlie) What is it? Oh, whoa! Oh!

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, my God!

(Muttering)

What the f*ck?
Is that Rick Springfield?

You bet your khaki-clad a*s, white man.

- Oh, holy sh*t.
- You a fan?

Where the f*ck's that fire extinguisher?

- Hey, what's up, sweetheart?
- (Charlie) Sorry.

Oh, you have got to be sh1tting me.

Please tell me
you have not been f*cking her.

Hey, whoa, not in front of the children.

And not last night. I was being good.
I was an officer and a gentleman. Tell her.

- (Charlie) Are these my pants?
- Wait, who else has he been f*cking?

You? Oh, gross.

- (Charlie) Sorry, man, I just...
- So you, too, then?

God, no. Thanks. He's just f*cking my mom.

- Chelsea, watch your mouth.
- Dad, seriously?

Man up and grow a pair already. You're
gonna let this as*h*le steal your wife?

- Hey! That's my father you're talking about.
- Thank you, Becca.

- I can't believe I quit stripping for you.
- I still think it's a solid move.

Now, if you'll all excuse me,
I appear to have an actual fire to put out.

- Sorry about that, dude.
- That's Rick Springfield.

(Alarm beeping)

- OK.
- (Moaning)

Come on, honey, we should
really get you to school.

I can't believe you slept with all of them.

- It's not that simple, sweetheart.
- All of them.

Yes, I suppose I did. Yeah.

Why?

I don't know. I don't know.

That's not good enough.
I want to know why.

There has to be a reason.
Make me understand.

- It just sort of happened.
- Why do you do things like that?

Because I'm an idiot, obviously.

No, you're not allowed to feel sorry
for yourself, not right now.

You need to talk to me.

You need to tell me
why you do the things you do

when you know that people
can get seriously hurt,

myself included.

God damn it, I hate it
when you're mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.

You wouldn't get mad at a big, dumb dog
for sh1tting on the rug, would you?

I would, but I'm a harsh taskmaster.
That's just me.

What do you want me to take away
from this, from how you treat women?

- Oh, Jesus.
- Is that all they are to you, walking vaginas?

There's no excuse for my behaviour.

There's no defence if somebody
got hurt, especially you.

But I need you to know that I started out
with the best of intentions.

I guess I just wanted them all to see it,

the thing that makes them special.

I guess that's all anybody wants
is to be seen, to be recognised.

Then the lines get blurry,

and the fact that your mom and I
are in such a weird place.

Yeah. Hence the big stinking mess.

But I'm sorry if I let you down, sweetie,

and I don't know how much more
I'm gonna be able to say I'm sorry

before it doesn't mean anything any more.

I don't know, either.

But I have this funny feeling
we're gonna find out.

(Phone)

Hey, honey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's, uh, at school...

receiving her education.

Mm-hm. Yeah, I'm gonna pick her up
and take her to get some ice cream.

sh**t the sh*t, bridge the gap.

Just like old times. Mm-hm. Yeah.

Well, I love you, too.

Skype you later? All right.

- ♪ Oh, soul, all I want ♪
- Where are my f*cking clothes?

♪ Is freedom

♪ But I'm told materials bleed wisdom

♪ Oh, Lord, show me a sign of power

♪ And rid thy world of all the cowards

♪ Oh, soul, we'll find our own saviour

♪ Deep down in the coldest winter ♪