01x19 - Car-lette

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

There you are.

I thought you got taken.

I had this horrible image
of you locked in a shed.

"Mister, please,
I'm just a little lady.

"Unchain me.
I'm late

-for my job at the DMV."
-If that was my focus,

I would let him k*ll me.

No, Barb, I told you--

I'm taking the morning off
to re-register my car.

That's why you missed
my morning meeting.

-Yeah.
-It was so frustrating.

I tried to warn everybody
about the rash of robberies

in East Hollywood, but as usual,
nobody listens to Barb.

-AUTOMATED VOICE: G-12
-Ooh, that's me. Yay.

-at window number nine.
-Sorry, what?

Wasn't listening.

Why is no one
taking this seriously?

The DMV has strict policies
about how to react to robberies.

And if we don't get on the ball,
we're gonna be nip-deep

in cow pie.

Relax, Barb.

That's why we got security.

We are not prepared
for what's coming.

-Mr. Counter Worker.
-Oh.

Madam Customer.

-Yeah.
-Oh.

-Oh, a-a 1993 Volvo.
-Mm-hmm.

He's got a little rust
around the hood, sure,

but otherwise stunning.

Okay. Uh-oh.

I actually can't register
this vehicle.

-Sure you can.
-No, you're a year overdue
for a smog check.

Actually,
I'm three years overdue.

But, luckily,
I have an in at the DMV.

-Wait, you do?
-It's you. It's you.

-Oh.
-So just, you know, tappy-tappy,
everybody happy.

I'm so sorry. I can't.

Barb took away
override privileges after Vic

tried to change his license
to say "organ b*ner."

Do you remember
the stickers he made?

So I took the morning off
for nothing?

Man, the DMV sucks!

-Never said that from this side.
-Whoa.

Here you go.

[exclaims]
I'm fine.

Which way do people
normally storm out?

-They do go that way.
-Great. Thank you.

Have a good day.

♪ ♪

Apparently, I need to get
a bunch of expensive repairs

before Gary can pass
his smog test.

Oh, that's right.
You're a car namer. Ugh.

There's nothing wrong
with naming your transportaish.

I swear, my car runs better
when I call it by name.

-The Buttmobile?
-Yeah.

I also named my arms.

Jean-Claude, Stallone,

let's go get
some creatine gummies. [grunts]

-Gross.
-GREGG: Do you want me
to take you

to Armando later?

He's the best mechanic in town.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Gregg.

Oh, it's okay. I'll take
any reason to not be here.

Gary thanks you, too.

[Nordic accent]:
"Thank you, Gregg."

Don't do that.

-[regular accent]: He's Swedish.
-Mm.

Volvo.

♪ ♪

Take care. Goodbye.

[deep voice]: Hey. A good boy
puts the money in the bag.

S-S-Sorry, what?

A good boy puts the money
in the bag.

Now.

Okay. Look, no one needs
to get hurt, all right?

I'm just gonna reach
for the register...

[groans]

-[gasping]
-[grunts]

-[yelps]
-Barb?

-[squeaks]
-Why are you robbing the DMV?

[regular voice]: I was testing
our crime readiness.

You could've held, like,
a meeting or something.

I did.

But none of you listened.

-Oh.
-I think you finally

un-deviated my septum.

Smells terrible in here.

-Yeah.
-But you did get the water

out of my ear
from last summer.

Hashtag grateful. [chuckles]

[groans]

-Ms. Tyler.
-Mm-hmm.

Do you park your car
in a place with a lot of rats?

Yes. Los Angeles.

Yeah. Looks like some rodents
have been chewing

at your wiring. Your entire
exhaust system is out.

But he can still pass
his smog test?

Totally.

After a-a new exhaust system

and five or six
other things I saw,

you're looking at about...


-Dollars?
-Dollars.

Are you saying "dollars"?

-I'm trying to.
-Gregg.

-Mm-hmm?
-There you are.

Were you working on a car?

No. Meatball sub.

Armando's mom has
a sandwich shop next door.

It's called "Ar-Mom-do's."

-That's so cute.
-Yeah.

Did she tell you a bunch of rats
had been chewing at it

and then try to charge you
$3,000 for it?

-No.
-No?

Look.
'Scuse us.

-The ESC is toast.
-GREGG: Oh.

The EVAP system.

The oxygen sensor.

GREGG:
You check the spark plugs?

Catalytic converter?

Yeah.

-The plugs are shot, too.
-Mm.

The rest is just
a matter of time.

-Yep.
-Yep.

Yep, yep, yep, yep,
yep, yep, yep.

-What do we got here, fellas?
-Well,

everything in this car
is on life support.

-Mm.
-You'd be better off
buying a new car.

Yeah. If you like,
we have a little used car lot

on the other side.
[whistles]

Whoa. N-No. I love Gary.

Car namer.

Hey, I don't judge.

My wife dresses our husky
in a turtleneck.

Like neutering him once
wasn't enough.

[weak chuckling]

[sighs]
You're probably wondering

-why I'm pea-ing myself.
-CECI: Mm.

We're mostly wondering
why you fake-robbed the DMV.

PAULA:
Yeah, I posted the robbery

to my Citizen app.

And now everybody thinks
I'm paranoid.

I couldn't get you guys to take
the crime wave seriously,

and I needed to see
how we respond to a threat.

Let's roll the tape.

[grunts]

Now, for all Noa knows,

I'm a dangerous
international jewel thief.

-[chuckles]
-[all gasping]

Noa!
That was good.

No clapping.
Stop clapping.

Stop it.

What Noa did is wrong
in every possible way.

VIC:
Hard agree. Should've hit him

with the eye gouge-throat punch
combo.

Finish her!

BARB:
DMV policy is clear.

In the event of a robbery,

-we must do nothing.
-NOA: What?

We're supposed
to just let them rob us?

Yes. Does anyone read 10 and--

ow-- 10 and 2?

DMV magazine?
Girl, you know I don't read

government propaganda.

Just last month, an armed robber
hit the Venice branch.

Employees fought back,

and he sued for four million.

-Dollars?
-Dollars.

Are you saying "dollars"?

I'm trying to.

Listen, we have one week
until the consultants

pick which branch gets axed.

So, to defend our branch,

we must not defend our branch.

Wai-Wai-Wait, hold up.

Go back.
Give me that.

-[laughs]: Oh...
-You don't... No.
-What? Oh...

-Is that...
-You don't need to...

CECI:
Is that Vic?

No, uh, couldn't be me.

I was in the break room,
slamming chia pud.

CECI:
That face! Aah!

This. This is why I keep
going back to church.

You do continue
to show me Your love.

[laughs]: Oh, God.

No, no, no, I was running
towards the back exit,

because, usually, when bad guys
come in through the front,

you got to watch that back door,

'cause even worse bad dudes
come in the back door.

I am sending this to everyone.

And I don't mean
just the office.

Ooh, there's another angle.

Did I actually have
a good day at work today?

Huh.

Steve Miller Band?

John Denver? The Eagles.

Wow, you have the musical taste
of a 70-year-old white guy.

I can't believe
you took Armando's side.

That was so embarrassing.

-His side?
-Mm-hmm.

Colette, there is no argument.

This car is not worth the money
that it would take to fix it.

And I don't know why you're so
attached to this hunk of junk.

'Cause it has
a lot of memories, okay?

You know, I-I drove myself
to prom and back in this thing.

I spilled two vats of gravy
in the back seat.

Thanksgiving 2014,
Gravy-Fest 2017.

Amber and I drove 6,000 miles
out here from Delaware,

in this thing.

Isn't that only 3,000 miles?

Yeah. We got real lost.

The point is, this car--
i-it survives everything.

Armando is not
the first mechanic

to tell me that
it's done for, m'kay?

All right, well, everything
survives until it doesn't.

-It's just time.
-Nope. You're wrong.

I'm gonna prove it to you.
I'm gonna get the repairs

that this baby needs
to pass its "smog test."

And I'm gonna do it
for far less than $3,000

-because Gary never dies.
-Oh, boy.

Oh.

Glue g*n's in the glove box.

And there's duct tape
under the seat.

You know what?
I am just going to not

-touch anything, okay?
-Fine.

-Whoa!
-Oh...

-That is new.
-[groans]

-Next.
-Um, hey.

Is it true somebody
robbed this place yesterday?

Yeah, but it turns out
it was just our manager.

This guy giving you troubs?

-No.
-I'm watching you, pal.

[snorts]

Vic, stop pretending
to be tough, okay?

I will never unsee
what I saw on that tape.

That was a fluke. I am tough.

I used to be a bouncer.

Well, you definitely bounced
away from the action yesterday.

It was like in a cartoon,
when they run so fast

that their little feet
can't touch the ground,

like doodley, doodley,
doodley-whoo! [laughs]

Okay. I see I'm gonna
have to prove my toughness.

[exclaiming]

Aah! Aah! Oh!

-Ah, Vic. Oh, my God.
-Oh, my kneecap.

God. That's my chair.

Ooh, but I'm good.

It hurts, and I love it.

Gross. Ooh.

Oof.
Dang.

-[grunts]
-CECI: Ay.

Real tough, Vic.

-Already back.
-Okay. Next, please.

-[engine rumbling erratically]
-[metal clattering]

GREGG:
What the...

What the hell was that
loud noise out there?

Did a helicopter just land?

Oh, that's just the sound
of me proving you wrong, Gregg.

Wait, that was your car?

Yeah. All fixed.
And for a very reasonable price.

You may have a "car guy,"

but I have the... a Internet.

Well, from the sound of it,
they took

-your catalytic converter.
-What now?

The thing that stops
your car from making

-that loud, horrible noise.
-Yeah, yeah.

They said it's temporary.
And now

I'll be able
to pass the smog test.

They lied, Colette.
And, trust me,

that car is not safe to drive.

Uh, defeat--
not a good color on you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go buy a fancy coffee

with my thousands
of extra dollars.

Uh, you want anything,

or, uh, too full from eating
your own words?

[laughs]
I got him.

-Yeah, you got me.
-Yeah, I got you.

Just, uh, text me
the order, though. Yeah.

Okay.

[shouts]
Everybody be cool!

This is a robbery!

Citizens of Citizen,
I am in an active robbery.

-For real this time.
-Hyah!

[grunting]

-Stop right there!
-MAN: Oh, no.

-It's that tough guy.
-That's right.

Terrified public, do not fear
this human piece of garbage.

For I, Vic Tersillo,

-have this...
-[shouting]

[grunting]

Barb, what the hell?

I had this under control.

BARB:
Oh, geez.

-My instincts kicked in.
-Buddy...

I violated DMV protocol.

I'm sorry, Mr. Robber.
Please don't sue us.

-[gasps]
-Noa?

-Oh, my...
-I'm sorry, Vic.

I never saw her coming.

Why are you apologizing
to me, stranger?

-Stranger?
-Oh, come on.
Another fake robbery?

Citizen has
a three-strike policy.

I can't get kicked off
another app.

NOA:
You said if I do this,

I could join
your paintball league.

-Not anymore, dummy.
-PAULA: Oh, Vic,

it's my paintball league,
and the waitlist is closed.

-I'm confused.
-CECI: Hello?

Vic clearly convinced Noa
to stage another robbery

so he could play hero.

[sighs]
This DMV has hit a new low.

-And we've had bedbugs twice.
-[gasps]

[sighs] The thing you like
is called a cortado.

That's it.

Uh, Gregg, can you please
come pick me up?

'Cause my...
[clears throat]

-...car died.
-[sighs] Yeah.

-Where are you?
-[horn honks]

Hold on.

Back up, park and walk inside.

Your car broke down
in a drive-through?

-[horns honking]
-Oh, oh!

My car can honk, too, you know.

-[warbling honk]
-[whimpers]

Come on, Gary, say something.

-[Barb shouts over video]
-Oh! No, no, no.

Okay, okay, one more time, Barb.

Play it one more time,
please, please.

-[shouts]
-Boom! That elbow.

Barb, do you have, like, an ex
that you want to get back with?

Because you should
send this to them.

Honestly? Would smash.

[hoarse]:
Please don't say "smash."

My gal-dang vicious instincts

put the branch at risk.

Well, here's my manhood.

CECI:
Body oil and protein powder.
What's this--

you're going to a swap meet
at Muscle Beach?

Those are once a month,
and you have to be on a list.

-Ugh.
-I'm not the office
tough guy anymore,

so I don't need this stuff.

It's like I don't know
who I am anymore.

Maybe I should buy a cardigan
and be one of those guys

that says,
"Hey, no worries if not."

"H-Hey, Dwayne,
want to hang out?

-No? No worries if not."
-Well,

-that's gross.
-Yeah.

There's just no reason
to have all these at work.

No, no, I'm talking about Vic.

I mean, I wanted him
to own being a wuss and all,

but I didn't want him
to lose his entire essence.

That's just, like, creepy.

This has got to be
the smallest ThighMaster

I have ever worked with.

Ah-- look at this.

-CECI: Barb, that's not a...
-Yeah.

I can really feel it
in my gloins.

Can you not do that
in my chair, please?

It's like a hummingbird's
wishbone being crushed

by two redwoods.

-[strains]
-CECI: Please, please, please.

-No!
-Aah!

Hey, Colette.

Sorry I'm late.
I got on the wrong bus.

Although if I was trying
to go to the airport,

I got on the right bus.

-Mm.
-Thanks again for helping me

get Gary towed yesterday.

Uh, don't thank me yet.

Come on, I want to show you
something very cool

out the window.

[gasps]
Is the flasher back?

-[chuckles]
-I love her.

No.

You see that car
with the bow on it?

-Mm-hmm.
-The blue car?

It's a regular bow.

They don't sell car bows at CVS.

I'm watching. Is it gonna
blow up or something?

It's your new car!
[chuckles]

-Mm-hmm.
-I'm thinking you call it Gregg.

I don't understand.
I have a car.

No, you have a piece of metal

that's, like, unsafe to drive.

So, yesterday,
I made a deal with Armando.

I gave him your Volvo for parts,
and a transmission that I had

in exchange
for one of his used cars.

How could you do this?

I didn't ask for this.

Do you know how crazy that is?

Yeah, I do, because when
I was doing it, I thought,

"This is crazy, it seems like
something Colette would do."

I can't believe this.

GREGG:
Where you going?

Uh, to return your "gift,"

and get my car back.

And if I were a key?

-On your desk.
-Thank you.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Now serving A37.

BARB:
What in the Gilligan?

May I help you?

-Oh!
-Oh. It's me, Barb.

Well, the new me.

If I can't be
the office tough guy,

I figured maybe I could be
our jam band guy?

Phish is still a thing,

Mayer's touring with the Dead,
Goose is the new Twiddle.

-What?
-Yeah, I don't really get it.

I don't know
any of that stuff, either.

And truthfully,
I'm worried how me

and all these friggin' burnouts
are gonna make conversaish.

Jam Band Vic
doesn't do abbreviaish.

Damn it.
This is gonna be tough.

You know, you don't have
to change who you are

just because your gut instinct
was "run away this one time."

But it wasn't just
this one time.

When I was a kid,
I was a shrimp.

Everyone at the foster house
would get into fights,

and the only way I could survive
would be to run away.

I got muscles
as soon as I could, but...

maybe that's
just on the outside.

Honey, what I did
was embarrassing.

I would have loved to react
the way you did.

Instead, Papa Barb's

instincts cut in and...

What you did--
that was something stronger.

Say more. Go on record.

Mention specific muscle groups,
if-if you can.

You followed DMV protocol
and you showed restraint.

I almost decapitated Noa.

Unfortunately,
I would do it again.

God, I want to do it again.

Restraint.

I never thought of it like that.

Except for, in the moment,

when I was doing it on purpose,

as an active choice.

Exactly.

You might have been
a little guy growing up,

but you're teaching me
how to be a big guy...

[clicks tongue]
...up here.

Thanks, Barb.

You know, as a leader, you don't
get enough appreciation.

[chuckles] I know you wanted
to say "appreciaish."

Actually, it's just "preesh."

Oh, man.
Feels good to be back.

-[laughs]
-Ah, ah.

You remember the seminar.

Yes.

Hey.

I was too late.

He already took Gary apart.

Look, I'm sorry
for overstepping.

I realize you had a lot
of memories in this car.

This car was my dad's.

He gave it to me the year
I graduated high school,

and it's... it is the last thing
I had of him.

Hmm.

When he passed,
it had-it had been years

since I'd been home.

You know, travel's so expensive.

I kept saying "next year,
next year," and then...

...there was no next year.

I don't even know
what to say, Colette.

When I was a kid,
he used to take me

on these

long Sunday drives and...

would listen to John Denver
and he'd bore me with trivia

about West Virginia.

Did you know it has,
uh, more towns

named after foreign cities
than any other state?

-[tongue clicks]
-No, I didn't,

but then my cousin moved
to Beijing, West Virginia.

I know the car had to go,
I just, uh...

I wish I had been able
to say goodbye.

Well, I didn't know any of that.

[sniffles]

But I do know this.

What?

This is a Subaru.

Gary!

[whistling a tune]

Help. Help.
A man just stole my purse.

-Where?
-Uh-uh-uh, no.

What? Please. He's right there.

You can still catch him.

I can, and I won't.

[stammers]
Somebody call the police?

Mama, I saw the purse.

He's doing you a favor.

Why won't anyone help me?

Because, ma'am, this is the DMV.

Helping people
is not what we do here.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Now serving P19

at window number ten.

BARB:
My boy.

Okay, I get it now.

Are you sure you don't want

-to sit on this side?
-No.

Shotgun's where
I have my best memories.

Look, look, look.

Dad used to let me
put my stickers on here.

It's kind of disturbing
how little they've disintegrated

throughout the years.

I ate some of these.
What do you think that means?

I think it means
the memory of your dad

will always be with you.

Hmm.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Maybe you could help me
install this in my new car?

Sure.

It'll be $3,000.

Would you pop this
in the Discman

connected to the cassette tape

connected to
the cigarette lighter for me?

Yeah. Sure.

["Take Me Home, Country Roads"
by John Denver playing]

[music skipping]

Hold on.

♪ ...most he...♪

♪ Blue Ridge Mountains♪

♪ Shenandoah River♪

♪ Life is old there♪

♪ Older than the trees♪

-♪ Younger than the mountains♪
-Bye.

♪ Growing like a breeze♪

♪ Country roads♪

♪ Take me home♪

♪ To the place♪

♪ I belong♪

♪ West Virgina♪

♪ Mountain mama♪

♪ Take me home♪

♪ Country roads.♪

-BARB [strains]: 10 and 2.
-Barb?

-BARB: 10 and 2. 10 and 2.
-Is everything okay?

BARB:


"East Hollywood successfully

-allows robbery,
avoids lawsuit."
-[mouths]

-Hey, all right.
-Friggin' made 10 and 2.

We got a "Honk Out."
Page 14.

Robbery?
What the hell did we miss?

-Now you read it
out loud, Greggory.
-No.

Read it out loud for us,
Colette.

Uh, the one line?
Vic already did.

Yep.
"East Hollywood

"successfully allows robbery,

-avoids lawsuit." Mm.
-GREGG: Mm.

Chills. Ah!

[whoops, laughs]

Oh. Seminar. Hmm.

Restraint.

East Hollywood's in print!
[whoops]