01x05 - Rent-A-Mom

[bunniefuu]

[cheerful music]

- Morning, DeVante.

Boy, that's one

sharp-looking shirt.

- Oh, thanks, Mr. T.

- Just out of curiosity,

where did you get it?

- I don't want you

to wear this.

- No.

I won't, I won't.

- Don't.

- I won't.

I want to, though.

Oh, hey, did you really find

an abandoned radio station

- Hey, buddy.

I need a favor.

How would you feel

about getting a tattoo,

but I don't tell you

what it is first?

- No, I'm late

for student council,

and I didn't finish my homework

'cause I had to babysit

my little brother last night.

- I'm not hearing a no.

- That was literally

the first word I said.

Between home stuff

and schoolwork

and all my activities,

I have way too much

on my plate.

- Well, what if I told you

there's a safe,

all-natural way

to increase productivity?

- Not on my watch!

Are those caffeine pills?

- Yeah.

I use those stolen prescription

slips for caffeine pills.

[bell rings]

- Daisy, you can't mess around

with that stuff.

Sure, those pills

seem like an easy fix.

At first, they're so exciting,

and then it gets

even more exciting,

but after that,

it gets so scary.

And in the end,

you ruin your girl group shot

at a recording contract.

- What?

- I get it.

I was you in high school:

ambitious, stressed.

I hadn't figured

my hair out yet.

I only wish back then

that I had someone

like present-day me

to guide past me,

but fortunately, you do.

It's me.

- You know, I never had

a guidance counselor.

Back at Douglas,

all they could afford

was an empty room

with a Magic 8-Ball in it.

- Why don't you come

by my office tomorrow morning?

- Thanks, Dr. Spano.

I will.

- Oh, what have we here?

- No!

Step away.

- [screams]

[bell rings]

- When I wake up

in the morning

Alarm gives out a warning

I don't think I'll ever

make it on time

[bell rings]

By the time

I grab my books

And I give myself a look

I'm at the corner

just in time

[bell rings]

It's all right,

it's all right

Saved by the bell,

it's all right

It's all right,

saved by the bell

It's all right

'Cause I'm saved

by the bell

[bell rings]

[light music]

- Guys, I know West Beverly

is a tough squad.

And sure, we already lost to

East Beverly, South Beverly,

and the Beverly Johnson School

For Models,

but I think tonight is the

night we turn it all around.

- Yeah.

- All right.

Now, let's hear a few words

from your team captain.

Jamie, get in here.

[cheers and applause]

- All right, listen up.

Listen up.

This is our moment, okay?

All that hard work,

all those two-a-days,

this is why we did it.

So we could

go out there tonight

and make 11 new friends.

all: Yes!

- Okay?

Winning does not matter.

What matters is having fun,

spending time together,

getting some exercise.

And, most importantly,

let's not forget

that the players on that

other team have inner lives

that are just as rich

and complicated as our own,

if not more so.

- And it's number 10

on the other team's birthday,

so no one tackle him.

He has to look good for his

party tonight at Soho House.

- Great point, Colt, thank you.

All right.

Clear eyes,

full hearts, full stomachs.

all: Full stomachs!

- Has everyone had

their milkshakes?

all: Yeah!

- Let's go.

- Let's go.

[cheering]

- Let's make some plans!

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

- Whoo!

- Hey, let's go get them,

champ.

Just remember,

if you believe in yourself,

there's no way you can lose.

[air horn blares]

- Bayside loses!

- [yells]

- Hey, Bayside, it's

number 10's birthday today.

[all cheer]

all: Happy birthday to you

- Daisy, I get that you're

worried about college,

but you have way too many

extracurriculars.

You're president

of the Science Club

and the Flat Earth Society?

- There's two sides

to every story,

and maybe, just maybe,

two sides to this Earth.

- Right.

Daisy.

Colleges are not impressed by

how many random clubs you join.

They wanna know who you are.

- A fun, normal teen

who hasn't had

a moment of relaxation

since first grade?

- No, you are student council

president, a leader.

Focus on that.

There's actually

a very competitive

summer leadership program

I think you'd be perfect for.

It's eight weeks of seminars

hosted by inspirational women.

Last year's keynote address

was delivered in unison

by the cast of

"Big Little Lies."

- Oh, my god.

That sounds amazing.

- And it's a fellowship,

which means all expenses paid,

including lodging and airfare

to New York,

plus a per diem for bagels.

- But I can't be away

from my family for that long.

- [groans]

I get it.

My husband's been in Arizona

for the past three months

on a writers' retreat,

and it's tough.

- It's not about missing them.

My mom needs me

to babysit my brother,

and I usually get a summer job.

- Oh.

Well, that's different.

Daisy, I don't know anything

about your family situation,

but I do know

about being a mom,

and all moms want the best

for their kids' future.

Just talk to her.

Look over

the application together,

and maybe she'll sign

the permission slip.

- Or what if, instead, I threw

the application into the wind,

and if she finds it,

it's God's will?

[light music]

- Hey, Coach.

You got a sec?

- Sure. Just taking

a little soup break.

What's up?

- Am I the only one who cares

that our team is trash?

I mean, after we lost

the other night,

Jamie and the guys

celebrated with pizza

and wrote thank-you notes

to the team that beat us.

- Yeah, well,

these Bayside kids

weren't exactly raised

to have a k*ller instinct.

- Well, I was.

In my house,

we don't celebrate losing.

Like my dad always says,

"Pizza is for winners."

- Hey, my dad was in the army.

He'd turn my room

into an obstacle course,

and I had to get a good time,

or else I couldn't go to sleep.

- So if you get it, why

aren't you trying to fix it?

- How?

You're the only person

on the team that isn't

a conscientious objector

to tackling.

One person can't save

a whole team, Aisha.

- But one person

can tank a team.

Jamie's pep talks

are k*lling us.

- Look, Aisha.

I already made him backup QB.

I can't take away

his pep talks, too.

It'll crush him.

- Fine.

If you aren't gonna do

anything about it,

I guess I'll just

have to do it myself.

- Hey, don't yell at me.

I'm a teacher.

Well, not an actual teacher.

They--

you know, gym teachers

are in a separate union,

which I'm also not in

'cause the paperwork

was a little confusing, but

- I gotta go.

- Good talk.

[light music]

- Hey, Mom.

- Hello.

You have reached Cronket

Wireless customer service.

How can I help you?

Mm-hmm.

One second, sir.

I have to talk to my manager.

[sighs]

Que te pasa, mijita?

Wait.

It's too quiet out there.

Can you make sure that Hector's

not doing something crazy?

- I'm on it.

Hector, no!

- What?

He poisoned

the villagers' water supply.

- Gracias, mijita.

Was there something else?

- No.

- Hello, sir.

My manager suggested that we do

a remote system reset.

Yes, please stand by.

That's not a real thing

we can do.

[mellow music]

- Hey, Jamie, can we talk?

- Sure, I'll start.

Have you ever noticed how

all M&Ms taste exactly the same

except when they're

in a Skittles bag?

- Okay, maybe I'll start.

Look, we all love

your pep talks.

I was just wondering

if they could be

a little bit more

inspirational.

Like, you could talk more

about winning

and a little less about

the stupid touchy-feely stuff.

- Okay.

I see what's going on here.

This is because we went to

the dance together, isn't it?

- What?

- Yeah, you're nagging me

because you had, like,

a really good time at the dance

even though we went as friends,

and now you don't know

whether to ask me out or not.

- [scoffs]

No way.

What makes you think that?

- I kind of feel the same way.

- You do?

No, this isn't about us.

This is about the fact

that our team sucks.

- Wait, so you're

not nagging me?

You actually think

that my pep talks are bad?

What about the one where I held

a moment of silence so long

we missed the entire game?

- That one sucked the most.

They all suck.

- That one was fantastic.

- Wow.

I know what I said,

but I gotta give it up.

You look fly.

- Thanks.

That means a lot.

Hey, one thing that isn't fly:

the price tag.

$1,200 for a shirt?

I almost didn't buy it.

- You shouldn't have.

I got mine on Amazon

for 40 bucks.

- Oh, my God.

What have I done?

- How could you say that?

My pep talks are amazing.

They engender a spirit

of togetherness.

- I bet I can still return it.

Oh, damn it.

Does anyone have

soda water or a tissue?

- See, that's your mistake

right there, Samson.

Never let a chick tell you

how to do your hair.

Hey, how'd it go with Jamie?

- Great.

Well, not great.

Really bad, actually,

but it did give me an idea.

All we have to do to motivate

the team is piss them off.

- Nice.

- What are you reading?

- Oh, this?

Incredible book.

If we weren't

in a public school,

I'd tell you all about it.

- And now I feel so guilty.

I'm, like,

totally freaking out.

Are you guys

even listening to me?

- Yeah.

You said something about

foraging crops in Singapore.

- No, I said I was scared

because I forged

my mom's signature.

- We're saying the same thing.

- I never used to do

bad kid stuff at Douglas.

Oh, God.

Am I turning into one of you?

- No, if you were one of us,

you would have come up

with a better plan.

Like, what are you gonna do

when Spano calls your mom?

- Why would she call my mom?

- Uh, this is Bayside.

The teachers are so afraid

of the helicopter parents,

they check in with them

about everything.

- You get a B-minus,

they talk.

You encase Toddman's car

in a block of ice, they talk.

The school is insane.

- Mm-hmm.

- Maybe there's nothing

to worry about.

She's not gonna call my mom.

- Yeah, you're probably right.

I mean, you know the school

better than we do.

Three, two, one.

- Oh, God.

Dr. Spano left a voice mail

saying she left

my mom a voice mail.

What do I do?

- Well, you could ask us

to help you with a scheme,

but just know one day,

we will ask something of you

in return, so choose wisely.

- Okay, will you help me

with a scheme?

- Yes, can I have

the rest of your fries?

That is the thing

we ask in return.

- Why can you never wait

to cash in on a favor?

- I have no impulse control.

- Okay, so what's the plan?

- What do you think?

We could try Swedish Backpack.

- No, the school

doesn't have a boiler room.

How about a Three Finger Sally?

- Not close enough

to a body of water.

- Plus, my passport's expired.

- What the hell

are you talking about?

- These are

classic schemes, Daisy.

- Yeah.

If we explain our shorthand,

then it defeats the purpose

of a shorthand,

or shor-la-bop-bop, which is

shorthand for shorthand.

- Okay, we just need to hurry.

My mom's shift ends at 4:00,

so she'll probably call

Dr. Spano back then.

- Well, if we're not

shor-la-bop-bop on time,

there's only one way to go.

both: The Giraffe's Gambit.

- We'll need an actress

to play your mom.

- But I don't know

any actresses.

Ooh, my aunt was on the news

after a raccoon stole her bra.

- Okay.

- Oh.

Mm-hmm.

- No, too short.

- Mm.

- No, way too tall.

- Oh, I love her,

but not for this.

- Mm-hmm.

Would you ever consider her

being a Russian 24-year-old

with big falsies?

- My mom?

No!

- Okay, well,

if you're gonna be so picky,

then which one of these women

looks the most like your mom?

- [sighs]

The only Latina one.

- Well, creatively,

it just feels like

a safe choice, but it's fine.

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, no!

It looks

like Pacific Coast High

trashed our locker room

right before our game

against them.

- Wow, it sure was

definitely those guys.

- Yeah.

- See?

They even left these printouts

of their school website,

which proves it.

- What the hell is this?

"Jamie's constantly eating

baby food pouches."

Yeah, so?

It's just to give my teeth

a vacation.

- How do they know

about my parents' divorce?

I only told Coach Slater

about that.

- Well, see if the graffiti

says anything else.

- "I heard this

from not Coach Slater."

Oh, okay, good.

- Look, I don't wanna say

anything,

but I overheard

their offensive line

talking about how you guys

don't even know

the freeway dance

from "La La Land."

- What?

- But we do!

We've been practicing it

all year instead of football.

- You know what?

Everybody huddle up.

Right now, let's go.

Get in here.

So they've shown us

who they are.

- Mean boys.

- Right.

Now we're gonna show them

who we are.

all: Nice men.

- No!

We're mean boys also,

so you know what

we're going to do?

Not gonna say hi to them.

Yeah, we're not gonna

tell them, "Nice tackle"

when they tackle us--

if they tackle us.

Those jerks have left us

no choice but to go out there

and beat them

in football points.

all: Yeah!

Mean boys, mean boys,

mean boys!

- Hey, Mr. T.

I felt kind of bad about

what happened earlier,

so I wanted you

to have my shirt.

- Wow, thank you very much,

DeVante.

Is it also because

now that I've been seen

wearing this shirt,

it's no longer cool?

- Yes.

[bell rings]

- Are you Dr. Spano?

I'm Daisy's mom.

- Oh, it's so lovely

to meet you.

- Thank you for showing

an interest in my daughter,

Daisy Sofia Jiménez,

who was born in

the Los Angeles County Hospital

on July 12th, 2005.

- Of course.

Should we step into my office?

- It's actually a custom

among my people

that we go for a walk outside

when we first meet a person.

- And I feel uncomfortable

questioning you on that,

so let's do it.

[suspenseful music]

- Okay, now that Spano's

busy with your fake mom,

all that you have to do

is hide in her office

and then intercept the call

from your real mom.

- Wait, I forgot.

Am I pretending to be my mom?

- No, because then your mom

would be talking to your mom.

Sorry, I should have

slapped you earlier.

- My name is Jessie Spano.

I'd like to buy a Volvo.

[phone rings]

Dr. Spano's office.

I am her.

- Hi, this is Anna Jiménez

returning your call.

- Why, hello, Ms. Jiménez.

I am Daisy's

guidance counselor.

As you can tell by my voice,

I am white.

- Congratulations.

So what was it you wanted

to talk to me about?

- Ah, yes.

The thing I wanted

to talk to you about.

That thing is

[light tense music]

Um, that thing is

that your daughter

is excelling at Bayside.

- Oh, that's--wow.

Okay.

Um, so that's it?

- Yep.

Guess I didn't need

to call you.

Bye.

- It was so great meeting you,

Ms. Jiménez.

And I know I keep saying this,

but you really look like that

lady from the gum commercial.

- Me, with these pearly whites?

[laughs]

all: Bayside, Bayside,

Bayside, Bayside, Bayside!

- Yo, I cannot believe

we actually pulled that off.

- Pulled what off?

We lost again.

- Yeah, but only by seven.

That's, like,

a normal football amount.

- We kept it close

until the very end,

even though

it was past our bedtimes.

- And I soiled my pants

with dirt this time.

- That's what

I'm talking about.

That's what--

I'm proud of you guys.

[indistinct chatter]

- I owe you a thank you.

- For what?

We didn't get the W.

- [sighs]

Maybe not.

But we got

something more important.

We got the N for knowledge.

You know, you're right.

It does feel good

to get fired up

and actually try to win.

- Well, that's something,

I guess.

- Come get pizza with us.

- I can't.

Pizza is for winners.

- Oh, okay.

They also have sandwiches.

[melancholy music]

- Now, since I'll be trading in

my existing Volvo

for a new Volvo,

do I qualify for discounts

available to Volvo VIP Beige

Diamond Volvo Club members?

- Funny you should ask.

I saw your inquiry

on stock number 4123,

and I was--

[record scratch]

- Hi, I live here now.

[laptop rings]

- I'll have to call you back.

- Okay.

- Hey, honey.

How is the retreat?

- So rewarding.

We are learning

this new form of meditation

that involves lying prone

on a mat, eyes closed,

inducing a state

of temporary unconsciousness.

- So, like, a nap?

- [laughs]

Oh, Jessie.

- How is your writing going?

You almost finished?

- Almost.

Shaman Jeremy says,

"Writing is unwriting,"

so I'm sort of

rethinking my novel.

Anyway, they said

I could stay on

an extra couple months

so I can finish.

- Wait, a couple months?

- Well, yeah.

- No, it's just--I was kind of

expecting you home soon.

You know,

you could hang out with Jamie

and take care of your own bees.

- So you're saying that

you want me to come back?

- No, no, no.

I mean, if it's important

to you, then

- [sighs] Thank you.

Jessie Spano.

You are the only reason

that I am able to love myself

as much as I do.

- I love you too?

[laptop beeps]

[door creaks, shuts]

[light tense music]

- [sighs, gasps]

- What were you doing

under my desk?

- I never talked to my mom.

I forged the permission slip,

so when you called her,

Mack and Lexi said--

- Oh, wait.

It's a Giraffe's Gambit.

- Wait, how do you know

about the Giraffe's Gambit?

- I did my fair share

of schemes back in the day.

Who do you think was

the original giraffe?

- Oh, because you're tall.

- And I eat a lot of salads.

So why didn't you just talk

to your mom?

- I tried.

It was too hard.

- You can do hard things.

Women need to be able

to advocate for what they want,

even if it means

telling their loved ones

that they should come home

from stupid retreats.

[sighs]

I am such a hypocrite.

- No, marriage is complicated,

and also,

I didn't hear anything.

- You're right,

marriage is complicated.

And sometimes it requires

hard conversations,

and I think I need to have one,

and I think you do, too.

[gentle music]

- Hey, getting ready

for the next game?

- How did you know I was here?

- Security called.

Said someone was yelling in

Spanish on the football field,

and for once,

I knew it wasn't me.

- I'm just so mad.

Everybody's

at The Max right now

celebrating yet another loss.

- Or maybe they're

celebrating improvement.

- Don't tell me you're getting

soft on me too, Coach.

What would your dad say

if he was still alive?

- I never said my dad was dead.

- I'm sorry, I just assumed,

you know, since you're so old.

- Come on, I'm not that old.

I still rock

Michael Jordan kicks.

Look, maybe you just need

to cut yourself some slack.

You accomplished more with

this team in the last few days

than I have

in the last 15 years.

For what it's worth,

I'm proud of you,

and you deserve pizza.

- Thanks, Coach.

[pleasant music]

- Check it out.

Huh?

- Oh.

I thought you meant that

I should go get pizza

with, like,

Jamie and the guys,

but I can--

- No, no, no, no.

That's totally what I meant.

Go be with the team.

- Yeah.

- This was just a visual aid

for reference, you know,

like an example

of what pizza is.

- Yeah.

- That's all.

- Yeah--cool.

- Hey, Mom.

You need any help?

- I thought you hated

folding laundry.

- No, I hate doing laundry.

That laundry room's haunted.

There's always a flapper woman

sitting on the dryer

asking when Prohibition's

gonna end.

- [chuckles]

- I do have one thing I wanted

to talk to you about, though.

My guidance counselor

wants me to apply

for this really prestigious

leadership program,

all expenses paid.

- Daisy, that's great.

- But it's in New York,

and it's all summer long.

- Oh.

Huh.

Well, I guess I have

to figure some things out.

- I know it's asking a lot,

but it's really important

to me.

- Then it's important

to me too.

- Really?

- Yeah, of course.

- But you already do so much,

and now you have to pay someone

to watch Hector.

- Forget about Hector.

You think he's gonna buy me

a house one day?

- Hell no.

I'm gonna live off the land.

- [laughs softly]

- Why do you think

I work this hard?

It's because I love you,

and I want you to have

all the opportunities I didn't.

- Yeah, stupid.

- [chuckles]

- Well, René, at least

now you know how I feel,

and if you wanna be

in a real partnership,

you should think long and hard

about what you do next.

- Hey, did you hear?

We beat Pacific Coast High

by negative seven.

- What?

- Never mind.

You want some pizza?

It's not that cold.

- You know what?

That would be great.

- Nice.

Look.

Huh?

You all right?

- Not really.

- Do you wanna talk

about it, or

- Not really,

but this is helping.

- Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

It's Friday night.

Come on.

Let's go clubbing or something.

Look, I'm rocking my new shirt.

- [yelling]

- Whoa!

- So you guys wanna call

the Lyft, or should I?

[upbeat music]