01x03 - The Vale of Tears

[bunniefuu]

Okay.

We peek through the wall.

Toshiro, camera

goes to the porch.

Okay.

Let's close the front door.

Clear. Let's stand by to roll.

Yeah. That's great.

All right. Here we go.

And action.

Wow.

You don't like it?

You like it?

No. It's just, uh

come in. Come in.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hey.

Okay. Come inside.

- Is she sleeping?

- Yeah. Yeah.

She went down early.

How was bedtime? Was it

- Um

- You got a new living room.

Yes. Uh, well, the armchair is

they were you know, the

The Henningsens?

Yeah. Yeah.

They were very pretty,

but they weren't really

comfortable for watching TV.

You never complained

about it before.

Well, I never really got

to watch TV before.

Oh.

And the rug it's

I mean, listen, this is

it's really, really ugly.

You think so?

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Look at this couch.

What?

It's an affront

to the green one.

Look, it's like they're

facing off.

Yeah, well,

it's very comfortable, though.

It's hideous.

Where'd you get it? IKEA?

Uh, yeah, actually.

- Yeah. But it's cozy.

- Now, why didn't you call me?

I would've taken you shopping.

- I don't know, I

- I mean, I would've even done it myself.

I don't know.

I just took care of it.

So, when'd you do all this

with your hair?

Uh, about a week ago.

- Oh, okay.

- Thought Ava would have told you, so

No, she's

Ava's about the most discreet

five-year-old on the planet.

Sometimes it really

just breaks my heart,

- how much she holds in.

- I know. Yeah.

How was she

after school today?

She was fine. Yeah.

Nothing unusual. Why?

Oh. Just drop-off

was a little tough, you know?

She's her stomach hurt,

and she cried a little bit.

Hmm.

Did you do drop-off

or did Poli?

Me. Poli's away.

He left a few days ago.

- Okay.

- It's actually easier when he drops her off.

Makes sense.

Yeah. I know.

So, you wanted to talk?

Yeah.

- Okay. Wanna sit in there?

- Sure. Yeah.

Oh, wow. I didn't know

you started this up again.

Oh, what, Shabbat dinner?

Yeah.

Uh, yeah, I don't know.

It's kind of

um, my parents came over

a few weeks ago for Shabbat,

and Ava really took to it.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Huh.

- Does that bother you?

No.

I don't think so.

I mean, I think it's been

like ten years

- since you've done this.

- Yeah, well,

you never really liked it.

You liked that I didn't like it.

I think it's really good

for her, actually, you know?

Gives her like a sense of

structure

and a sense of belonging.

Um, you want some?

From Rosenfeld Bagels,

it's really good.

No, thanks.

I'll take some of that wine.

Yeah. Sure.

I'll join you.

Okay.

Lechayim.

Cheers.

Eyes.

So

So I've been offered

a promotion.

- Congratulations.

- Thanks.

It's to oversee

the, um, European division.

Oh. Wow.

But I would have

to relocate to London.

So, you know, when

I got back from Tel Aviv,

Ackerman, he was really happy

with, uh, the work I did.

I mean, you know,

I did a good job,

just objectively speaking.

Um, so anyway we merged

the Tel Aviv office

into the European division

and he said,

Ackerman, he was like,

"Just take all of Europe."

- Manager in London's leaving.

- Okay.

- It's a big promotion.

- Obviously.

It's a lot of money.

So I was hoping that

we could, you know,

talk through some ideas and

see if we could strategize.

- Strategize?

- Yeah.

What do you mean?

What strategize about what?

Well, I don't know.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

But what

What did you tell Ackerman?

Like, how did you leave it?

I said that it you know,

I needed to talk to you first.

It was an amazing offer,

but, you know,

I needed to talk to you.

Okay. So what are you

you're thinking that you're

gonna go back to

- flying here every other weekend to see Ava again?

- No. No, of course not.

You think that I would actually

leave her again?

Oh, all right. All right.

So then what?

Taking her with you?

No. No. Not exactly.

Yeah, well, I guess that

could be an option if that's

No.

It's not an option.

It's not an option,

so you can forget about that.

Unreal.

Okay. I didn't say that

that's what I wanted to do.

I said I wanted to talk

this over together.

So why Honey, why are you

getting so upset?

This is a it's a huge deal,

and it's a lot of money.

Money that matters to all of us.

Okay. Will you just stop

right there with the money?

Well, I don't have

a concrete solution.

That's why I was hoping

we could hash it out together.

Yeah, of course you don't

have a concrete solution

because there is no

concrete solution.

So why would you bring it up?

Just to see how I'd react?

Okay.

I get it.

Maybe it was a mistake

coming here.

I don't know if we can be

in the same room yet

without, you know,

hurting each other.

What?

What?

What are you not telling me?

Mira? I know you.

You wouldn't bring all this up

if you didn't have a plan.

What do you want?

I was Okay.

I was thinking that, um

maybe the two of you

could come to London.

Like, uh, Ava and you.

I thought that could be

a possibility.

I mean, you're on, uh,

sabbatical this year, right?

So you can write from anywhere.

It doesn't have to be here.

I mean, what if you got

an apartment nearby?

And we could do shared custody,

like we do here.

London's the perfect place

for you to write.

There's the libraries

and the archives,

and Oxford's there, so

You know, Horizons

would be so happy

to get another apartment

and pay for living expenses if I asked them.

Oh, wow.

That's very nice of them.

Well, it's true.

I mean

Come on. Aren't you dying

to get out of this place?

You're always saying that

this country's poisoning you.

And it would be an experience

of a lifetime for Ava.

It would be just

a great opportunity for her.

You can't deny that.

I can't

I can't believe

you're serious right now.

I really can't.

Don't answer me right now.

Just think about it.

Just think, like

you know, we don't have

to make a decision this second.

- Just

- Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Just, you know,

don't rule it out.

- That's all I'm asking you.

- Okay, yeah. Don't rule it out.

Of course I'm gonna rule it out.

What do you what

what, do you think that

we're just like a suitcase

that you can pack up

and take with you?

- Wow.

- That we're gonna follow you

wherever you feel like going,

no matter how disruptive it is

- for Ava and for me?

- Okay. Speak for yourself.

I'm sure Ava would be

really happy about this.

No, I think I will speak for Ava

'cause obviously

somebody needs to.

- Oh, okay.

- She just got used to you being back again,

and living in two different

houses and all of that.

But it'd be the same there.

There'd be two houses there.

- It's not the same.

- It's the same schedule there.

Mira, it's not the same.

She has a whole world here.

- She has her friends.

- I Okay.

- I know.

- And her grandparents, that she's crazy about.

Okay, she could see them

over the summer, it's

She has a whole life here.

- Do you understand that?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

A family.

A whole community.

- Community.

- Yes. A commu

I'm sorry if that word

offends you.

I know that you guys live

in this global village

where it doesn't matter

what you see,

it makes no difference

where you go, or any of that.

I'm sorry.

Who's "you guys" in this?

- Really?

- Yeah.

You guys.

Here. It was

on the cabinet.

You know,

while we're on the subject,

we should probably

start talking a little bit

about the divorce.

Divorce?

Yeah. It just seems like

we should start settling things.

Don't you think?

Sure.

If it's, uh, important to you.

Uh, we can get it done in a day.

It's

Yeah, I think it's a little

more complicated than that.

I'm not sure a day

is gonna cut it.

Then a a week then.

Especially if you're

planning on traveling soon.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Sure.

Whatever works

for you, Jonathan.

- That's fine.

- Okay.

Um, why? Are you

are thinking about

getting remarried or something?

What? No. No, no, no.

I just think

that this state of

you know, purgatory is just not

very healthy for you

Purgatory? Come on.

Don't understate it.

No, no. I just mean

that this temporary state,

you know, this in-between-ness.

Are you seeing someone?

What does what does that

have to do with anything?

So you are?

Oh, leave me alone.

What? Why can't you tell me

about it?

Because I don't want to.

Okay.

Anyway

I think, um

that we'd all benefit

from having a little more

definition and clarity.

Don't you think?

So you decided

to k*ll yourself?

Oh, come on.

When did you start

smoking again?

- I don't know.

- You don't know?

A few months ago.

I don't do it that much.

I don't do it in front of Ava.

Fine. Do what you want.

I'm not gonna be here

to take you to the ER the next

time you have an asthma attack.

I'm not having any attacks.

Can't remember

the last time I had one.

Okay.

Everything okay?

She's sound asleep?

I didn't know

anything about that.

What, the office?

I'm telling you, that kid

can really keep a secret.

What's the deal here?

What do you mean?

What's wrong

with the bedrooms upstairs?

Uh, you know, just

felt too big up there

for us after

I don't know, the whole house

felt too big, and

And she couldn't

really fall asleep on her own,

so she ended up sleeping

with me in my bed, and

when I'd head downstairs

to do work,

she would wake up

and follow me down.

So it just kind of

evolved naturally.

I don't really need a study,

you know?

I work in the living room,

mostly, so

What about your privacy?

Well, there's that bookshelf

between us.

- It's almost like a wall.

- If you have someone over, what do you

what do you do?

I mean, Ava doesn't wake up?

I don't have anyone over

when Ava's here. Ever.

- Mind if I look?

- Sure.

You need anything here?

There's, um, a box there with,

uh, some kitchenware

and the china

your grandparents gave us.

Yeah. I'm gonna, uh

I'll, uh, send someone

to get it this week.

No rush.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

You know, I I think

I'm gonna get going.

Do you want anything else

to drink?

Maybe a little more wine?

Just a little bit?

- Okay. A little.

- Okay.

- Fine. Yeah.

- All right.

- Thanks.

- Mm-hmm.

Soon there won't be

any trace of me here.

It's fine. It's

It's totally fine.

It's just this, uh

silly attachment to furniture

the myth of a home

and all our dependence

on these things. It's

That's what keeps

f*cking everything up.

I mean, it's what f*cked it up

for us.

You know, being dependent

on these objects.

Yeah, you know,

the objects never had

any real significance for me.

Come on. Our whole relationship

became an object.

The house, the family

You know what I mean.

Mm-hmm.

So it's, um well, it's not

different now for you?

You don't feel attached

to stuff in your new place?

The luxury condo in the

Millennium Tower, you mean?

Whatever.

But yeah, that's my point.

I mean, um

I have no personal

attachment to anything there.

I just had a designer

furnish the place and then

But Poli

It's his dream.

It's his American dream,

you know?

Twentieth floor,

overlooking the park,

doorman, and all that.

It's amazing how it

gives him confidence.

Hmm.

I think I've reached

a point in my life

where it doesn't matter

where I live anymore.

I mean, there's no place

in the world

that would make me feel secure.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Don't be.

I'm not sorry.

On the contrary,

it's a relief, you know, to

I mean, there's nothing

like that.

Like security, safety.

We thought there was.

We wanted there to be.

But then we turn it

into a ritual, you know?

- It was like

- I know that, like

I know that you have this need

to diminish

everything that we had

No, I'm not

- and justify it. You're

- Honey, I'm not diminishing it.

No. On the

- Sounds like you are.

- No, I'm not. I'm

I'm just trying to tell you

that for me, it was, um

There was so much denial,

you know?

I mean, today, I know.

I'm alone. I'm all alone.

Nothing's gonna change that.

It doesn't matter where I am

or who I'm with.

And, um, it's

good to understand and

make peace with that, you know?

I think it's a

it's a sign of strength, even.

What?

Nothing. I'm listening.

Don't look so worried.

I'm fine.

- Are you?

- Yes.

- Really?

- Yes!

- What?

- I don't know. I'm just

I'm, you know, I'm having

these flashbacks to

to your monologues

from college.

Every time you and Lucas

broke up, you know,

it was always, "Oh, how

wonderful it is to acknowledge

that you're actually alone

in the world."

I never I never said

it was wonderful.

Yeah, but I mean,

it was it was obviously

a kind of like mania

where you were suppressing

all this pain,

but then it would flip

to depression

and you'd go running back to him

'cause you couldn't

actually be alone.

I mean, it just was so obvious.

It's so obvious

that it's a defense mechanism.

Great.

You know, it's pretty insulting

when someone uses psychology

to, uh, try and pick apart

actual insight

that you've really had.

Can't you just believe

that this is how I feel?

I do believe you.

- I'm also, you know

- You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm not, um, coming

from the same place anymore.

I'm not 20 years old, you know?

Okay.

What's with all this f*cking

psychological bullshit anyway?

What, you dating

a shrink?

I am I'm going to one.

Yeah. Not a not a shrink.

A therapist.

Yeah.

You're

You're kidding me.

No, no, no, no.

I'm going to one.

Um, I mean, I needed it.

And it's, uh

honestly, it's it helped me.

It is helping me.

What does it help you with?

Um, first of all,

to understand, you know?

To make sense

of everything, of

of what happened.

- To put it into words.

- Yeah.

'Cause I I couldn't

even begin to comprehend

what had happened.

You know?

Um, she gave me this, uh,

exercise to do this thing

called morning pages,

where you have to write

three pages,

uh, as soon as you get up,

before you've had your coffee,

before you've done anything.

Um, you know, first thing

that comes into your mind.

Have you heard of that?

Hmm, yeah. Maybe.

Sorry.

It's okay.

I'm so exhausted.

- Mm.

- It's the wine and, um

I just

I haven't been sleeping,

you know,

since the London offer.

It's just Ackerman's

putting so much pressure on me.

Sure. Yeah.

That's okay. I get it.

Um, are you okay to drive home?

You sure you don't want

any coffee?

Wait. You were

in the middle of something.

No, it's okay. It's all right.

It's all good.

- Wh

- So espresso, right?

Hey!

Please don't make a big deal

out of this.

It has nothing to do

with anything.

It's just

I wanna hear about it.

It's just my I'm so

I'm so tired.

It's my exhaustion.

No. No. Look, nothing happened.

Everything's okay.

But I wanted

I want you to finish

what you were telling me,

please.

I mean, maybe

you could read it to me.

Read what?

The morning papers, I think

- Morning pages.

- No. No, no, the

The whole point's that you're

not supposed to show anybody.

Well, but you can just

you can read it to me, okay?

And I won't tell anyone

that you did, okay?

Here you go.

I don't want coffee.

- Read to me, please.

- Why

Why is this

so important to you?

You're important to me.

I I could just go get it.

No. Okay, okay. Fine.

- I'll get it.

- Thank you.

I'm not sure

there's much of a chance

I can read my own handwriting.

Maybe I'll read you something

that I wrote this morning.

I can still kind of remember it.

Okay.

It's written

in the third person.

I don't know why it came out

like that. It just did.

The whole point is that

you're just supposed to

to go with the flow.

Okay. Um

"Apparently, his obsessive

rational thinking

at that age was

only compensation

for all the anxieties.

Because there was the father,

this dominant father

casting a shadow over him,

judgmental,

with strict moral codes,

and he "Meaning me.

Mm.

Uh, "Tried so hard

to please this father,

to live up to his standards,

but he always felt like

he'd failed,

so that, gradually, he developed

this permanent feeling

of 'I'm not good enough,

I'm not moral enough,

I'm too egocentric, '

which, in the world

he grew up in,

is the worst possible sin.

And on the other hand,

there was the mother,

who was always too weak

to face down this tough father.

But she was such

an anxious person herself

that even with her, this boy,

he couldn't really be himself,

he couldn't share

his hardships, his fears,

because she'd immediately

get so overwhelmed

that her anxiety

would only compound his.

And then, when he realized

no one actually saw him,

his true self that is,

no one could help him cope with

everything he was going through,

he fell deeper

and deeper into himself,

and kept all of his pain

and anxiety inside,

and never told anyone anything,

and this split inside him

wouldn't let him truly be

in a relationship,

because there was always

part of him that he kept hidden,

he was never fully present,

until Mira showed up.

And to a certain extent,

she saved him by seeing him.

For the first time in his life,

he felt like he might be pulled

out of the inherent loneliness.

But only after she left

did he realize how,

even with her,

he was there-not-there,

and how hard it must have been

to live with this,

with someone who was always

partly somewhere else,

inside his own head,

how that could make her feel

lonely and unseen.

And this realization helped him

deal with her leaving him,

to make sense of it,

and that disabused him

of the idea

that he'd been a victim of some

kind of sudden cataclysm."

Oh, f*ck.

Stop.

- This isn't good.

- What?

It's not good.

I don't I don't want this.

I don't wanna sleep with you.

It's not good for me.

It took me a really long time

to get where I am right now.

I don't wanna

I don't want to go back

to that f*cking torment.

No.

I just don't

I don't think you actually

really understand

what it was like for me

here a year ago.

I wanna know. Tell me.

Tell me.

- Do you really?

- Yes.

That first moment, I was

I was just on autopilot.

I woke Ava up,

I got her dressed,

I dropped her off

at preschool,

and I canceled all my classes,

and then I came back home.

And I thought I was literally

losing my mind.

Then there was a moment

where I thought

that I didn't even want

to stay alive.

There was lots of moments

where I was sure

I didn't want you to stay alive.

Like, I really

wanted you to die.

And then there was

there was a moment

when I wanted Ava to die.

For that to be my revenge.

And then that night,

she started coughing like crazy.

And at one point, she threw up

from coughing so much.

And then she spiked

a fever of 104

and I wasn't sure if I should

take her to the emergency room.

That's why I ended up

putting her in a bathtub.

And that lasted all night,

and I was scared to death.

I thought I'd k*lled her.

And it took three days

for the antibiotics to kick in.

And that was a nightmare,

but it was also the best thing

that could happen to me

because I didn't have

a second to myself,

I barely slept.

And then you came back

on the weekend

and you took her and

her fever was

already gone by then.

I was and I was alone

all of a sudden.

But I was already

in a more human state.

I could breathe by then.

And start some kind of healing.

Then a few minutes would go by

and I wouldn't think about it.

Think about you.

Then a few hours.

Think about you.

Then a few hours.

Now, I'll go half a day

without thinking about it.

Sometimes the whole day,

especially when Ava's here.

So, yeah, no way

I'm going back to that.

You know, we'll have sex

and it'll be amazing,

and then it's all the way back

to the bottom.

No way.

What makes you think

it was any different for me?

Oh, Mira.

It was a nightmare for me too.

I couldn't stop thinking

about you.

Not even for a second.

I just, uh

Please don't

please don't do that.

Don't do what?

Don't.

Don't say things you don't mean

just to prove that we're in

the same boat, 'cause we're not.

But how would you know?

I just miss you all the time.

I never stopped loving you,

not even for a second.

I never stopped wanting you.

I want you now so bad.

This whole past week,

I come just thinking about you.

Hold on.

Sweetie, stop. Please.

Please. No.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Do you want me to go now?

Thanks.

You sure I can't get you

any coffee or anything?

No? Okay.

What time

are you picking up Ava?

Uh, in the morning,

around 10:00.

Okay.

You'll have her bag ready

for school on Monday?

Of course.

Okay.

If Poli wasn't coming, would

that change anything for you?

What?

If I was going

to London alone

would you consider

coming with Ava?

What's Poli have to do

with anything?

All right.

I can't drive right now.

Stay here tonight, okay?

Okay?

I got some shirts.

Do you want one?

Thank you.

- Will you help me?

- Yeah.

sh*t, sorry.

Is that your girlfriend?

I wouldn't go that far.

Your lover?

Did you tell her that

I was coming over tonight?

Yes.

Just try to ignore it.

She's not giving up.

That's dedication.

Sorry. I'll just turn it off.

Just give me one second, okay?

Hey.

Good. Uh, yeah, but listen,

it's not cool to,

like, bombard me with

Because you were

supposed to call me.

I told you,

I'd call you when she left.

Oh,

so she hasn't gone yet?

No, she hasn't.

She's still here, okay?

She's she's in bed.

My bed.

Listen. Laura? Laura?

We we need to talk,

'cause this is

this is really just not, uh

Okay, well what I'm saying is

that we should take a break

because this is just not

not working out for me

right now.

Not a, uh, uh

I wouldn't

Okay, you know, let me just

let me stop you here

before you say something

that you're gonna regret.

Look, I'm I'm really sorry

it has to end like this.

But, uh, honestly, I've been

feeling for a while that

well, you know, that

I'm not

Okay, bye.

- Sorry about that.

- It's okay.

I just couldn't help

overhearing it.

Yeah, I wasn't really

trying so hard

to make sure you didn't.

Why'd you get out of bed?

Did that upset you?

No, of course not.

Why'd you tell her

I was in the bed with you?

- Why?

- Yeah.

I don't know.

I didn't really feel

like I needed to hide it.

But you had plans

with her tonight

and you knew

it was gonna upset her.

Okay.

Mira, um, I'm sorry that

that happened that way.

Can we forget about it?

Okay?

- What?

- Nothing.

I don't It's just a shame.

It sounded pretty serious,

right?

I don't know, I mean, anyway,

it's not really relevant

anymore, is it?

I don't know about that.

I mean, it's not unforgivable,

so I'm

I'm sure she'll understand.

f*ck.

You haven't lost your talent

for saying the wrong thing

at the wrong time, that's

that's for sure.

It's just I, uh,

felt a little sad, you know?

- I felt sad for you.

- Yeah. Oh, that's sweet.

How about you snap out of it,

okay?

'Cause you're not

my couples counselor.

Well, I just think it's a shame

to give up on something

- over a couple texts

- Enough!

Enough!

Can I just say something

to you, Mira?

Truthfully

Okay? It's bullshit.

And I don't believe

that you believe in it.

It's a weakness. It's fear.

It's not strength.

And I don't know what's gonna

happen to you if you can't

I'm not I'm not trying

to be patronizing,

but I can see that your chaos

and your detachment

your total detachment and

I remember how

how we were back then

before we moved in together

and what we saved

ourselves from.

How we pulled each other

out of exactly

exactly that loneliness

that you're talking about.

It wasn't an illusion,

and you know it.

It was a miracle.

It was like the biggest

miracle of our lives.

And we're just like throwing

it all away.

And it's it's

It's just, like,

it's a terrible mistake.

It's terrible. And

We should I don't know.

We should've just

done everything we could to

to

save it, to not just give up.

I can't, uh

I don't know how to

I'm really nauseous.

Something is f*cked up with me.

Something inside

is so f*cked up.

Can I play you something?

Play something?

Yeah. It's

It's a voicemail

I got this morning.

Just hold on a second.

Hey, Jonathan. It's Poli.

Um, I'm in the airport

right now,

I'm going for a week,

so, uh

uh, listen

I know that Mira is going to

meet you tonight, okay?

I don't know what

you're going to do together.

It's a free country,

you're still married,

legally, so

I'm just saying,

this whole f*cking

situation here

The suspicions and, uh,

the fights and all that

It it's just not for me.

You two sit together, talk,

decide what you wanna do

with each other.

I had enough.

Uh, if she wants to come back

to you, believe me,

I'm the last person to stop her,

okay?

And you can share this with Mira

if you want.

She probably told you

everything anyway, so

- just, uh, keep me posted.

- Ava. Hey!

- Hi, babe!

- Where's Poli?

Poli? Um Poli's not here.

We're at Daddy's house, honey.

But I'm hungry, and I want

Poli to make me pancakes.

Sweetie, we don't eat

in the middle of the night.

- Okay? Come here.

- But Poli lets me.

Yeah? Does he?

Well, you know what?

Let's go lay down

and we'll try to sleep,

and if you're still hungry,

we'll make a snack. Okay, honey?

All right?

But can I sleep

in your bed, Mommy?

Oh, my Tomorrow you can.

- Promise, tomorrow.

- Come on. Let's go lie down.

I'll lie down next to you,

all right?

Come give Mommy

a big good night kiss.

Love you.

All right. Let's go.

One second, all right?

Sure.

Yeah, just

There we go.

All right.

'Bout I sing you

a little dream song?

I don't wanna

go to sleep yet.

Of course

you don't wanna go to sleep yet.

We're not gonna go to sleep,

okay?

I'm just gonna sing a song.

- Okay.

- Stay awake.

The Sandman is waiting

To deliver me my dreams

Keep going.

Roll on, roll on

Oh, little train ♪

Close your eyes.

Brakeman, blow your whistle

Throw your weight

Upon the chain ♪

Make way

Whatever will be, will be ♪

Between the Sandman

The Brakeman, and me ♪