01x02 - Conspiracy Theories: Predators, Presidents, and Epstein's "Suicide"

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

Conspiracy mouth breathers,

quit crying about the Clintons
and scurry up to the surface

so I can tell you something.

You were right.

According to the internet, corona wasn't
the only thing keeping kids c*ptive.

It's 2020 and conspiracy theories
have gone mainstream.

Like peddling meat sleeves
for the price of a Happy Meal.

I'm not talking about Sasquatch
or the Chupacabra,

which is a mythical beast
that sucked the life out of more goats

than the Bulls cheer squad.

I'm talking about pedophile pizza,
Plandemic, paid protesters.

This year,
the world realized we're being misled.

I'm not talking about
a b*llet wound beauty pageant.

Times have changed,
like a diaper on Epstein's island.

Remember back in the day,

when conspiracy theorists looked like
a manatee f*cked a baked potato?

Now, you just need a Facebook friend

whose webcam is more covered
than an Afghan bride on her 13th birthday,

and your inbox will be more flooded
than Magic Mike The Musical.

Even my girl was telling me
to look into conspiracy theories

about 5G scrambling our DNA.



But from the looks of the birdbath
in my belly button,

my DNA is plenty scrambled.

So I think it's safe to say

we have finally matured
into the legal age of conspiracy theories,

whether it's an elite pedophile ring,

and by elite, I just mean rich,
not the most successful one,

or that coronavirus was
faker than an ID at a Chris D'Elia show.

We've all encountered some conspiracy

more colorful
than this Mexican My Little Pony.

Jesus! His face has more webs
than Ellen's uterus.

But what we're wondering
about these theories is

are they all bullshit?

I mean, I like to consider myself
a reasonable guy.

So when I hear that Bill Clinton
is cracking out the cast of Cuties,

I'm skeptical.

One, it sounds ridiculous.

And two, look at him. He's a corpse.

Or as Hillary would say,
"A job well done."

Look. I'm someone that cares
about truth and evidence,

and I'm not a conspiracy theorist.

But I still can't stop watching
these f*cking YouTube videos

saying 9/11 was an inside job,

they're turning the frogs g*y

and that the Earth is flatter
than a Peking protester.

I'm the Jerry Falwell Jr.
of conspiracy theories.

I don't get in on the action,
but I love to watch.

And I know these seem far-fetched,

and some of you
are sitting there thinking,

"I don't believe
in any conspiracy theories."

"I'm more grounded
than Ghislaine's gal pals." Yeah.

Until the game is on,

and then you're screaming at the TV
like a pickled-liver chowderhead

with his kid's college fund on a parlay.

"They pay off the refs."

"They put LeBron in the finals
every year for ratings."

"Tom Brady gets his powers
from kissing kids."

Kissing kids is what
fathers from Boston do.

Point is, we all believe
in some conspiracy.

Ladies, don't even get me started
on astrology.

Dating isn't hard
'cause you're a Capricorn.

It's hard
because you're a cun…trol freak.

Speaking of control, we're all trying
to make sense of the world around us.

And when we can't,
we're drawn to any story that does,

regardless of how fantastical it is.

It brings us comfort to know
that a catastrophic event has a conductor.

I mean, I'd rather believe
corona started in a lab

than some bat boiling buffet,

but the irony is,
during times of uncertainty,

those very conspiracy theories

make us more insecure
than Shaun King at a Roscoe's urinal.

They don't tell us the truth.
They erode our confidence in the truth,

like a dominant defense attorney.

Jesus, those Kardashians
are good at getting black guys off.

We get a temporary thrill by questioning
the government or global elites,

but ultimately,
we're left longing for security

like J. K. Rowling
at a Wachowski sister gender reveal.

And what do we do when we're insecure?

Shave down our pubes

and bunch our fingers closely
when we hold our d*ck?

Yes! But we also go deeper down
the conspiracy spiral,

chasing that feeling of comfort
we'll never find…

until the CIA admits it 50 years later.

Thanks, guys.

The conspiracy chase is so exciting
because we're all searching

for what could be real.

It's like cuddling Cardi.

You know it's true love

when you name your husband
after your n*pples.

When one theory is validated,
we start asking, what else is out there?

We could write off these people
as wack jobs.

Not that wack job.

But the thing is, sometimes,
these theories turn out to be true.

Our government lied
about battleships being attacked,

which led us into both
the Spanish-American w*r and Vietnam.

We fake-sunk more battleships
than a special needs camp counselor.

Remember when
those crazy conspiracy virgins claimed

the government was listening to our calls?

And we told those basement-dwelling dweebs
to go back to whacking it to Warcraft?

Well, then, in 2013, we found out
from tech support vampire Edward Snowden

that the NSA was actually spying on us.

For all we know, the government
could be spying on us right now--

Hey, I'm just kidding.

Relax. Nobody's spying on you.
[chuckles]

And if they were,
they'd get you a f*cking maid.

Jesus, this place is a dump!

When'd they start letting
woodland creatures watch Netflix?

All right, I'm out of here.

But for some reason, we still hadn't
lost all the faith in our institutions.

One event would change that.

Jeffrey Epstein, the Capri Sun straw
that broke the camel's back.

This college-quarterback-looking
child f*ck won the Hymen Trophy

with his partner in bedtime,
Ghislaine Maxwell.

Basically, these two powerful creeps

were going from ritzy parties
to slumber parties,

trafficking more kids
than a crossing guard.

But what's important about
this modern day Bonnie and Child

is the role they played
in making conspiracy theories mainstream.

Yeah, we all ignored rumors

of power players hanging
with egg-d*ck pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

You know, like vag-peddling Vulcan
Les Wexner,

the Duke of Pork, Prince Andrew,

Professor Piss Teeth, Alan Dershowitz,

House of Kids lead Kevin Spacey
and, of course, Bill Clinton.

But when Epstein was arrested

and locked in the most secure jail
in the world,

and then the cameras in his cell
were magically turned off

and the prison guards
happened to be asleep,

and in that time he would hang himself

and somehow break the bones in his neck

in a way that's consistent
with homicidal strangulation,

everyone's faith in our institutions
was cracked

like a retainer case
on Epstein's private plane.

No one really thinks
Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide.

He hung himself with bed sheets?

I mean, in 20 years,

the guy couldn't finish himself off
without the help of a schoolgirl.

The thread count on those sheets
must have been under 18.

So for the average person,

Epstein's death opened the door
to conspiracies.

But who had the time
to watch a three-hour YouTube documentary

that looks like it was filmed
on a Palm Pilot?

We had sh*t to do.
We were catching Pokémon,

eating Tide pods, watching Louie.

Not like that.

Life was good.

Then corona came around
and completed the perfect storm.

Or as the girls on the island
called it, a tropical depression.

Epstein gave us the curiosity
about conspiracy theories.

Corona gave us the lifestyle.

Suddenly, we're socially-isolated shut-ins
with unlimited free time,

like a port master in Beirut.

We should've been
bettering ourselves, right?

Picking up a new language,
learning how to cook, scamming perverts.

Instead, we were
gobbling up conspiracy theories

like Lizzo at Long John Silver's.

We learned that Bill Gates
is trying to microchip the world,

corona was made in a Chinese lab,

and mail-in voting is as trustworthy
as Will's wife at an R&B festival.

Epstein was the fuel,
corona was the flame,

and social media was the oxygen.

That sweet algorithm
that gave me my career

also drove us
down the pathway to paranoia.

Big tech exploited our need
for an explanation

of what's going on in the world
with zero concern for facts or proof.

Just serving up salacious stories

like baby blood shots
at Marina Abramović's "Spirit Cooking."

Everyone has lost a loved one to this.
They've been algorithm-ed.

They were caught scrolling
without concern, slowly radicalized.

Now you're arguing over dinner

whether George Soros
funded the March of the Penguins.

Silicon Valley is
driving us to the extremes

when they're not driving us to our death.

But is it all the algorithm's fault,

as A*DS Ed Sheeran
from The Social Dilemma would tell you?

No! What Tristan…
Sorry, "Tristawn" failed to mention,

is the algorithm
only serves your curiosity.

And apparently,
my curiosity is barbell beef-boys

and pimple-popping Filipinas.

We have to share some responsibility.

We're the meth-heads mad at our dealer
for being good at their job.

And boomers, man, they soak
that sh*t up like a squirt porn towel boy.

And of course they do.

They didn't grow up
being skeptical of the Internet like us.

They were out fighting wars
or getting fingered at a festival.

For them, a filter was for cigarettes,
a deepfake was a Thai hooker

and you didn't need Facetune
to see your friend's nose go away.

So boomers are getting
skull-Zucked by social media.

But they can rely on the mainstream media
to set the record straight, right?

Nope.

The big news channels
are broadcasting biased bullshit

because they're more concerned
with profits than principles.

Human charcuterie board Tucker Carlson

monetizes your fears
of a Marxist revolution.

Descendant of the former
richest man in the world

Anderson Cooper
regularly pounds Trump for his privilege,

while Rachel Maddow, who looks like

all the characters
from Friends put together,

milks money from
vitamin-deficient male feminists.

So, when you can't trust the politicians,

the elites, the news on TV,

and you're lost scrolling an endless
supply of videos that feed your fears,

when nothing is outside
the realm of possibility,

where do we end up?

QAnon.

Which is a movement
against the global elite

and their satanic pedophile ring,
based on less evidence

than a Jussie Smollett stroll to Subway.

The ultimate goal of QAnon
is the preservation of the US,

with perceived traitors
like Hillary Clinton,

whose cheeks look fuller than Monica's,

getting the death penalty.

What kind of crimes would you
have to commit to be ex*cuted?

I don't know. How about harvesting
babies to drink their adrenochrome

so you can remain young and vital?

Hey, George, it's not working.
Your face looks like it's flying.

QAnon began when a self-proclaimed
high-ranking government official

started posting cryptic messages on 4chan,

which isn't an Asian
trying to pronounce their favorite cookie,

it's an Internet forum.

It's home to more
child porn and whistleblowing

than Too Short
if he took his name seriously.

The government official is known as Q.
Not because LGBT was taken already,

but because he has
Q-level security clearance,

which is higher than top secret.

I said, "top secret," not "secret top."

Q focuses drops
on exposing the deep state,

who they believe are the business leaders,
media moguls and entrenched bureaucrats

that are the true
decision-makers behind American policy

like carpet-bombing carpet merchants
and shadow banning n*pples on Instagram.

But QAnon is different
from other conspiracies in one key way.

It's not just taking down villains,
it's elevating a hero. That's right.

It's Donald Trump,

the man that refuses to take part in
trafficking young girls across the world.

The man that definitely is not an elite.

And if there's one thing
he stands against the most,

it's globalism.

He's gonna slap the sippy cups
out of those celebs.

He's here to drain the swamp.

That's not a euphemism
for how Barron was made.

And that's what Q's goal seems to be.

Creating some much-needed
protection for Donny T.

If you're convinced he's out there
trying to track down toddler tasters,

you're willing
to tolerate everything else.

We love Batman
because we think he's saving Gotham,

but in reality, he's just
a billionaire that beats up bums.

Now, before you judge the Anons,

the entryway
to the cult is understandable.

Governments are corrupt,
media is manipulative,

Epstein existed.

But the further down you go,
the crazier it gets.

And by then, you're committed.

It's like Scientology.

One day, a guy at the mall
asks you if you're stressed out.

Three years later,
you're getting spit-roasted

by Tom Cruise and John Travolta
on a decommissioned battleship.

By the way, if anyone is drinking
adrenochrome to stay young,

it is this guy.

g*dd*mn! Who needs cosmetics
when you got Dianetics?

Let's be very clear
about what's happening here.

Trump isn't some
pedo-fighting Abraham Lincoln

here to liberate these tiny totstitutes.

I think Hollywood celebs are full of sh*t,

but I don't think
they're keg-standing baby veins.

Also, anyone enacting vigilante justice
because of a conspiracy theory

needs to get locked up.

For example, that gravy SEAL that went
Zero Dork Thirty on Comet Ping Pong.

That behavior is never justified,

even if the Clintons are ordering
$50,000 worth of "pizza"

from a guy whose name
literally translates to "I Love Kids."

It's f*cking weird, but it's not
proof of a pedophile dungeon.

Besides, we all know
they keep them in cabinets.

When you're primed
to peep pedophiles everywhere,

you're gonna see more diddlers
than a Charli D'Amelio subreddit.

Also, QAnon, how are you
gonna go after pedo pizza places

and not start with Little Caesar?

And if we're calling out
fast food chains, why stop at pizza?

There's a clown that cages kids
and makes them play with his ba*ls.

Also, Carl's Jr.?
How old is Wendy, really?

Jack in the Box? Is that what
Epstein was doing in there?

See how easy it is to find proof
when you've decided someone is guilty?

Same thing with Hollywood.

You can't just call someone
a pedophile for making jokes.

Chrissy Teigen f*ck kids
because of tweets?

Yeah, she married a prepubescent p*nis,

but Chrissy's not the one
tickling baby grands.

I said baby grands. Also…

Tom Hanks is a pedo
because he takes pictures with gloves?

Sure, he was inside a child once.
But ever since then,

whenever a boy
enters the room, he goes limp.

And Woody Allen…

Okay, to me,
maybe that Woody is a pedophile.

But to be fair to him,
he married her and they're still together.

So that begs the question.
Is she the cure?

Asia, you might've given us one virus,
but you solved another.

And while we're on this topic,
Roman Polanski, die in a house fire.

The Pianist wasn't that good.
Hey, John, beat it.

Don't you have
a Christmas carol to neuter?

Let me be clear. I'm not trying to say
that everyone in Hollywood is innocent.

Brooke Shields posed nude
in a Playboy publication at ten.

Hey, Hef, those aren't
the tens we want to see.

Megan Fox played a stripper
in Bad Boys at 15 years old.

Michael Bay, why don't you
let her transform into a woman first?

She almost decepti-conned us into prison.

But, QAnon,

we can't just assume
the entire entertainment industry

are pedophiles until proven innocent.

I mean, all directors,
actors, party clowns?

Okay, party clowns are pedophiles.

They gotta be blowing more than balloons.

But the point is,
you're not seeking truth.

You're just confirming your bias.

And you know what?

We all are.

We're all handpicking
the podcasts we listen to,

the news we read
and the Twitter feeds we follow

to confirm the things we already feel.

You've heard the saying
"You need to see it to believe it," right?

That's bullshit. In reality,
you need to believe it to see it.

In Mexico, every week, an abuela
sees the Virgin Mary in her toast.

You ever notice
that doesn't happen in Mumbai?

Probably 'cause you can't toast naan,

but also because
they don't believe in Jesus.

Now, in all seriousness,

it's right to be inquisitive,
it's just wrong to start an inquisition.

Accusations have to be
accompanied by tangible evidence.

If not, you'll end up
so far down the rabbit hole

in your quest to take down the elites

that the only life
you'll succeed in ruining is your own.

So keep challenging the status quo,
keep asking questions,

keep fighting
for the change that you believe in.

But remember, your words matter
and your accusations matter,

but facts matter most of all.

And in 2020, when discussing what matters,

no statement was more divisive,

and no movement was more polarizing,

than what we got coming up next.

[theme music playing]