01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

The thing you should know about me

is that I have a photographic
memory,

but it's...like, it's only for
trainers.

I can tell you where I was
and what I was doing

the first time I wore every pair.

Reebok Iversons,

my first house party.

Whoa, easy, mate.
HE SPLUTTERS

Don't make love to it.

You all right?

I've...I've not been sick.

Adidas Superstars aka Shell Toes.

I remember thinking...

It's a bit weird.

You going on holiday with my PE
teacher, Mum.

Russell, babe, how many times?

It's not a happy holiday.

It's a permanent one...

..from your dad.

Yeah, but why does Mrs Dunthorpe
need a holiday from Dad?

Bye, Mum.

ENGINE STARTS
Bye, Miss!

Yeezy Boost 700s, Wave Runners.

This one's easy, cos it's...today.

It's just...

..maybe if you don't find the heels
comfortable, you shouldn't wear them.

Most men wouldn't need to be asked,
Russell.

They'd just offer up their trainers.

Yeah, fair point.

It's just, I didn't ever
really realise

how much glass there is down here.
SHE SIGHS

Russell!

Just man up, yeah?

Man up.

No, this, um...

..this isn't working.

Yeah. No, you're right.

You're kind of walking in them
funny and it's giving...

No, no, no, no. I mean us.Oh.

We're just not a match, you and me,

cos I'm a medical professional
under a lot of pressure.

At Specsavers?Uh...

And you're...

Look, I'll put it gently, because
you're a sensitive idiot,

but you're a waste of a life
in Sports Depot.

You...you mean I'm wasting my life
at Sports Depot?

It's over, Russell.

Can I get my trainers back?

There's this saying that the eyes
are the gateway to the soul,

but they should have said trainers.

Every pair tells a story.

And these are m...

Well, yeah. This is mine, basically.

OK? Thanks.

You wouldn't catch me dead

in any of the sh*t trainers that we
sell at Sports Depot.

That would literally destroy
decades of reputation.

Like I always say, "Don't look
someone in the eyes,

"look at them in the trainers."

Take my friend Mulenga.

He wears Air Force Ones.

They look good, feel good,

just like Mulenga.

Not...just...not in a weird way.

If you want to lose weight,
you've got to gain it first.

Really?

Accumulate to accumulate, bruv.

I run a lickle personal training
business on the side.

But you look...I look what?

What are you trying to say?
I look fat, bro?

Trust the process.
Right now, I'm just bulking.

Amber wears Vans, which says,

"Minimal effort," or
"Given up on life."

Depends what way you look at it,
really.

Just wanted to know where the golf
clubs are.

Can you point me in their direction?

Nah, I wish I was better at my job
too, but I'm just not,

do you know what I mean?

I'm literally a mystery shopper.

Golf clubs?Yeah.Uh...

Upstairs, by all the weird
camping sh*t.

Oh, you're not going to believe
what's happened to me.

Clare's binned you off again?

Yeah, how do you...
Oh, it's just your face.

I'm on a come-down at work
and you look more gutted than me.

You lot weren't even doing the ting,
so...

Doesn't mean we weren't doing stuff.
We were doing bits.

Tantric. Love it.

Well, she'd do this one
thing, right,

where she'd lie on the bed...

..fiddling.Gee! You are such a
player, bro.

And then where are you in all
of this?

So, I'm face down on the floor,
or on the corner of the bed

where she can't see,
because if I get in her eyeline,

throws her off, dries her up.

I feel like you need a proper
connection, though, with someone,

like me and that guy I made out
with at the Halloween rave?

Do you think...he's the one?

I think maybe, like, definitely.

I can't wait to see his face
tonight.

You haven't...you haven't seen
his face?

Nah, it's fancy dress, innit?

He was Batman, I was a slutty alien.

Tale as old as time.

Right.

Edgars is brand-new to the family.

He wears Karrimors and basketball
shorts,

which, to my knowledge, I don't
think has been done before.

Yeah, so it's really hard
to get a read on him.

Still, nice guy.

She was like, "Man up."

I just, sort of, wanted a final
opinion, really.

If you want my opinion, Russell...

You want it?Yeah.

Remind me of the problem.
I'm engrossed in Mills and Boons.

OK. So, she said it was over,

but, sort of, like...

..like a question, you know? Like...

.."It's over?"

Like, went up at the end.
This woman is not good for you.

Yeah. Really?Yeah.

You are in the top five most
beautiful men in Peterborough.

She's sh*t on my shoe.

But, you know, everyone says
that she's out of my league.

You can't trust people, Russell.

Yeah.

All right, well, good chat.
Thanks for that.

Lots to think about.

Appreciate your wisdom.

Jemma wears red Reebok Cardi Bs.

Red is a warning in the animal
kingdom

and Cardi B is simply terrifying.

What's this?

Dunno.

You had your lip waxed?

This is the face of someone who's
made eight sales in an hour.

Why are you in sliders?

They're not allowed.

You're not the manager.

Neither are you and you've been
here eight years.

I've only been here three months.

Nine years.

Thank you.

All right, yeah, you win.

All right, what do you want?
Pockets, please.

I only just got in.

Staff members must be searched.

I don't enjoy this any more than
you do.

Feels like you definitely do.

PATTING

Good boy.
RADIO:Russell. My office, now.

I need you to go to the office.

Don't make me tell you again.
Yeah, I'm going.

And not because you said.

Go on!Because Mogs asked me.

Off you pop!What?

Your hair line already left.

Mogs is store manager.

It's rare that I don't recognise
a pair of trainers,

but genuinely, what the f*ck are
those?

Besides a cry for help, obviously.

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Management looks mad
stressful, to be fair,

although she's always got time
for us.

Sorry. It's just Clare left me
again.

Yeah, no time, Russell.

I've been on the phone to head
office since breakfast,

I'm pissing three times an hour
and my fanny...

..has got a heartbeat.

sh*t, is it meant to?

I want you to watch the phone
for me.OK.

This little dickhead
thinks my bladder's a stress ball.

SHE SIGHS

What, just stay on the phone?
Yes, Russell, stay on the phone.

HE YAWNS

SHE GROANS
Look.

She's all over him.

Question is, though,

what's Blades got that Russell
hasn't?

Obviously, you know, with
the muscles and the tattoos

and the shoes and the beard
and the personality and...

Here it is. Blades is lame, yeah?

Yeah.But he's his own boss,
you know?

He's got his own tattoo shop,
chooses his own hours.

Doesn't have to wear Sports Depot
sh*t.

Maybe his life is better than us.

Well, I dunno, actually,

cos Elon Musk actually started
at JD Sports.

Swear down?!Honestly, yeah.
That's what I'm sayin'!

See? It's the origin stories
like that

that keep me going through
the grind.

That's what's gonna make me get
out of here, cos of that...

Wait.

Wait, you're lying, innit?

Why are you always lying?

I dunno, you know?

They're like my little stories,
like free TV in my head.

Mogs, look, there's no
sugar-coating this sh*t sandwich.

Uh, it's Russell, um...

Mogs will be back in a minute.

Russell, yeah? Be a mate, yeah?

Just tell her I can't sign
off that maternity leave.

Um...

Are you sure you definitely
want to go through with this?

I have rights, you know.

Yeah, and in many ways, I'm a
huge supporter of those rights,

and in many other ways,
you're not actually on contract,

so we're not obliged to give you
that extra holiday.

Holiday. It's a f*cking baby.

Which is such a blessing, right?

All right. What if I quit right now?

Well, it sounds like you made
up your mind, so just...

I'm gonna have to find a
replacement.

Just put me on whoever's been here
the longest, yeah?

f*ck you, Allen, you prepubescent
little prick!

All right, you take care, Mogs.
All the best now.

I think Mogs just quit.

Yeah, not to worry. Um...

Congrats, Russell!

Oh.

Thanks.

For what?

Being manager, though.

What do you reckon?

Am I ready for it?

Come on, cuz, you're 36.

Yeah.If not now, then when?

It's not like you're gonna manage
in the afterlife or something.

Yeah, I know, but...

..I just don't really see myself
as a corporate slug.

At the end of the day,
you've both said it,

I'm more of a sort of creative.

Man of the people.
As much as I do think

it would be a proper laugh with
you in charge...

Cheers...I do worry that this shop

is robbing us of our most f*ck
years.

And it's like,

will we die here,

all alone, surrounded by shoes?

You know, completely unfuckable?

Well, no, there are worse
places to work than here.

Where?

Claire's Accessories is sh*t.

It's tiny in there.

And you have to, like,
pierce...children's ears.

Should just come to Australia
with me, Russ.

Great. What, you're leaving as well?

You been chatting about that for
time, you ain't going.

I am. I'm going really soon,
actually.

I just think Sports Depot hasn't
been run properly since, like...

..2014. That was a good year.

The old logo.Oh.

Our happiness depends on man like
Russell taking this job.

Really?

Russell...

..the bossman.

Manning up.

Manning up!

That's mad, cos Clare said that.

Maybe she was good for me.

What is this?

It's like sage and onion.

I trust you guys.

All right? No more searches.

I told you, do not trust people,
Russell.

Look, this is going to be sick, OK?

No more searches, yeah?
JEMMA SNIFFS

And, like, if you guys have
any problems or any ideas,

you can always come to me.

See me as a momager,
like Kris Jenner.

Question over here.What is it?

You're gonna be sh*t at this.

Well, that's not even a question.

All right, what do you think?

Yeah, it suits you.Yeah?

It's just a bit big around the
titty area...Yeah.

..but it suits you.Yeah.See what
you were saying earlier

about coming to you with ideas
and that?

Yeah?I think I've got one.

Oh, nice. Yeah. Go on.There's this
big bossman opportunity going on.

OK.Dream Travel is closing down.

Yeah?All their office stuff
is just sitting there...

..ready to go.Yeah?

Real-life Storage Wars, fam.

Aw, man, I f*cking love
Storage Wars.

But what I mean by idea is, like,
more Sports Depot-related.

So, like, you know, we do
the big mugs?

Yeah.So, like, my idea, for
example, is, like, big bowls.

Like, too big.

That's an incredible idea.
Thank you.

Like, massive bowls, hella cereal.

Or salad, or...

Thing is, I need a way to make
money right now.

Yeah.

I just... I don't know.

Bro! Come on, man.

What would Kris Jenner do?

Look what she did for Kim.

Leaked the tape...

..made the bread.

And now the whole family buss.

Yeah, they are.

I need your help, bro.

You need my help?

You should have said.

Let's buss.Yeah. My brother.

We'll work on that. It's...

Three shops closed down this week,
man.

The high street's decaying, bruv.

Yeah, but the thing is, mate,

you can't recreate what we do
online.

That's the beauty of it.Yeah, true.

Wait. What?

Oh, look, the vultures
have showed up.

Actually, we just came to say
we're really sorry about...

..closing down and stuff.

Right. That's why you've got the
trolley.

Ha, so... You get me?
We was thinking, yeah...

What do you want?

Um, them PC units for a start?

Nice.

Also, I dunno if you know
or have heard,

but I'm now manager, if you're
looking for any work.

Oh. Sports Depot?Yeah.

f*ck, no.

No. I've lost my job, not my
self-respect.

Sure, no worries.

What do you mean,
"Sure, no worries," bro?!

Rate yourself, fam!

Oh, is...is that kangaroo going
spare?

G'day, mate.

PHONE BUZZES

Er, no phones on the shop floor.

No, it's fine, I'm sexting.

How do you spell "basic missionary"?

Give it here.

Key to a good sext is to keep
it a bit mysterious, bit cheeky.

Wait. What part of, "I'm wet as a
f*cking river," is mysterious?

Don't be a prude.

He's not going to talk to me again.

Ugh. Why would you want to talk
to him?

Far as I'm concerned, a good man
shows up, delivers the goods

and pisses off without a word.

I know, but I think I'd rather feel,
like, a bit more romantic?

That's like a postbox.

PHONE CHIMES
Ah.

You've got yourself wrong'un there.

Cherish it.

Great. Thanks, Jemma.
Now he wants to see my t*ts.

That's good.

My t*ts always look sad.

Like they've had really bad news.

We should just go to Technation,
man, they'll buy anything.

That's a good idea, actually,

I'm friends with Ian, the manager.
Russell!

Russelly Bobs!

Hey.Um...word on the high street
is that someone's had a promotion.

That's mad, cos I...I got
a promotion today, didn't I?

Yeah, no, that's what I'm...saying.
Yeah.

So we can afford to take me
to London now.

Gonna tear up the bag floor
at Selfridges.

No, but you...you dumped me this
morning.

Is that what you took
from what I said?

No, you...you just don't listen,
do you?

Anyway, do you know my lovely
flatmate, Sophie?

Yeah.
It's her aunt's funeral tomorrow.

Oh, my God.It's a good thing.

Means I've got the place to myself.
You should come over.All right.

And now I think it's time for us
to take things to the next level...

..sexually?
All right, listen, I'm out!

It's too much information.

Definitely.

WHISPERS:Don't forget the condoms.
I never do.

I've always got them on me.

Don't bring this.No, I won't.

Hate donkeys.

Mulenga!

We're gonna have sex!
HE EXCLAIMS

Can't wait.

I've got a bit of a b*ner now. Mad.

A new leader has arisen!

"Team leader."A king is born.

Russell the manager. Congrats.

Thank you, sir.

Listen, if you ever need to chat,
manager to manager,

come to me.

But can we still talk about normal
stuff, or is it...

Yeah, but it'd be...manager
to manager.

Manager to manager. Got you.

So, bossman, yeah?

I'm thinking we're saying grand
apiece?

Sure. I mean, yeah, it is 1992.

I'll stick them next to the hi-fis!

I hate this prick, you know.
Don't embarrass me, man.

This is, you know, Technation,
you're meant to buy anything.

Look at this crap.

Yeah, but nothing this old.

There's a f*g burn on that one.

The lads'll never let me live it
down.

Are we talking manager to manager
here, or what are we talking?

Yeah, I respect you as a manager.

Yeah, well, I respect you as
a manager.

Manager brothers? Please stop this.

I've...been a manager for longer
than you.

Technically, yeah, but really,

I've been on the high street
longer than you.

Retail years.Ah, listen,
let's go, man.

You men need to stop all
this chitter-chatter.

All right. I'll see you online
tonight.Yeah, definitely.

I'll be on at nine.

Ah, I can't wait to go on my lunch
break so I can, you know,

tell my dad about being manager.

You know when you're manager,
you can, like,

take breaks whenever you want?

Oh, yeah.

All right. Guys, I'm taking
my lunch at 1.38pm.

f*cking unheard of.

Pockets!Oh, yeah. Sorry.

No more searches, remember?

See you in a bit.
See you later, bro.

Hey, wait, what you man doin'?
Run, Mulenga!

Not many people are lucky enough

to say they've got the shortest
commute in Peterborough

and still get to live with their
dad.

I do.

Oh.You all right?
My son, the shop manager.

Can't believe it.Yeah.

Yeah?Mad, innit?

Bit of bubbly to celebrate.Ah.

Cheers.Cheers.

Hold on, they're my trainers.

I haven't even worn them yet.

Oh, yeah, sorry, son, I just, um...

..I just wanted to look me best
for me job interview, you know?

OK. How did it go?

I didn't go.

All right, well, I need to ask
you something anyway.

Yeah, I-I did not sell your
PlayStation.

I...

I'm taking Clare out for a date
tomorrow.Uh-huh?

And, uh...

..I want to make it special,

so I was thinking...

..maybe I could get her
the Adidas Gazelle.

Russell, women don't give a sh*t
about trainers.

Just...
HE SIGHS

Wait there, yeah?Yeah.

Where is my PlayStation?

Here.

Take this.

It was your mum's.

Are you sure?Yeah, course I'm sure.

You can see the...chip where
it hit the pebbledash.

No, I mean, are you sure I can
have it?

No, I've no stock to it,
she's probably not coming back.

Thanks.

I'm going to need you to take
those trainers off, though.

Oh.Yeah.

Spoken like a true shop manager.
Yeah.See you later.

And put them back in the box as
well, don't...Yeah.

Aw, for f... They're...

..brand-new.

Look at this.

You can't be giving her a ring,
Russell.

It's basically a proposal.

No, it's not a proposal.

Unless she wants me to propose,
then I will.

But make sure you get a prenup.

Mm.Cos you know what
Kanye West said?Mm.

"We want prenups,
we want prenups, yeah."

Look, I'm not going to propose,
but...

..she said, "man up,"
and that's what men do.

We buy gifts.

That is some old Boomer bullshit,
Russell. Man up?

Yeah.No-one says to me I need
to lady up, do they?

I mean, they probably should,
though, cos you've been out here,

lipsin' randoms dressed as a
alien and sh*t.

Put it in the till, OK? And think
about it for more than ten
minutes.Yes. All right. All right!

Don't have to do all of life's
milestones in one day.

Mogs has gone, so I can play
a little bit of PlayStation.

Nice.

But you're on break, though, right?

Yeah.

So I'll see you on the...

..shop floor in a minute?

I'm trying to do selfies, but I'm
not getting very sexy vibes in here.

You know there's a used
nappy in the corner?

JEMMA SIGHS
Just do the elbow trick.

Give us here, Right.
Get your elbow out.

Mm. OK.

Bend it.

Doesn't really work with hairy arms.

Well. Send it anyway.

PHONE BUZZES

SHE GASPS

Batman's got a massive hard c*ck!

You're kidding.No!

Yay!

That's great, innit?
Get in! 'Ave it!

Come on!

Why have I sent my son to
buy three-for-two boxers

and he comes home with this?

Yeah. Mulenga?

Mulenga?Yo.

I don't think we can sell computers
here,

unless they're Sports Depot
computers.

Do you remember when Debbie got
sacked last year for selling stuff?

Yeah, but that was handjobs
in a changing room.

Yeah, I mean, sort of the same,

because they weren't Sports
Depot handjobs.

Can't imagine anything worse
than a Sports Depot handjob.

Like, how does that even work?

You just stimulate the base?

My refund.Can we...Yeah.

OK.

Hold on. Have you seen my ring?

What have you lost, dickhead?

My mother who abandoned me's ring.

If only there was a tried and tested
method

to stop things getting stolen
in the workplace.

Yeah, but no-one would steal here,
because we're all like a family.

Give people an inch and
they'll take a mile, Russell.

I'm sure you've had plenty of
experience giving an inch.

Yeah, I've got loads of inches,
don't I, Mulenga?

Don't involve me in that, bro.

And it's wide.How wide?

Like, I can't get my whole
hand around it.

It's just as wide as it is long.

I'm sorry, is anyone in charge in
here?

Amber?

I know you thought it was a bad idea
for me to give Clare that ring.Mm.

You didn't take it, though, did you,
so I wouldn't get back with her?

Oh, it's a bit of a delicate
moment here, Russell.

A close shave, if you know
what I mean?

Just in case things go well
with Batman tonight.

Right, yeah. I actually
shave Clare's legs sometimes,

when she lets me.

The trick is, er, go with the hair
growth.

Not being funny, Russell,
but can you f*ck off?

Everything else all right?
You need anything?

Just...if you've got any plasters,
that would be great.

Just for all the blood and the fake
tan everywhere.

HE SIGHS
Why did I let my dad talk me out of

buying Clare those trainers?

They'd be so much easier
to find than this f*cking ring.

It's my mum's ring, but...

Sweet Russell...Oh.

Let me take all this stress away.

God, your breath, what have you
eaten?

It's tuna.

Let me take control.

It's rightfully mine.

I'd get your ring back like...

Have you got nothing better to do
than to come in here and wind me up?

No. I'm relentless.

I won't stop until I'm inside you.

Oh, that's...

..that's weird.

Bring the searches back, Russell.

We need order.

I just need the ring back.

I know where it is...

but...I need you to show me how much
you want it.

How?

Do a little dance for me.

No, I'm not...
Ah, you nearly did it!

You make me physically sick.

It's in Amber's bag.

You found what you're
looking for, then?

What? No, I...thought this was
my bag.

I thought you weren't going
to treat us like thieves.No, I'm...

Ugh, I didn't think you'd turn
into a prize dickhead this quick.

You said you were going
to be a pushover, Russ.

No, I definitely didn't say that.

I'm going for a smoke.
Yeah, that's a good idea.

Obviously not with you, Russell!
Yeah.

Obviously not with me.

I thought I said don't let
anyone in here?

People say a lot of things, Russell.

What does that even mean?
PHONE RINGS

Hello, Sports Depot Peterborough,
Russell speaking.

Russell? George Allen.

Hey, George.You on
top of everything, there, yeah?

Uh...yeah?

Yeah, just got a bit of, um...

It's like a fat tongue thing
going on.

I think it's stress.Welcome to
management. Everything gets bigger.

Yeah.Should see the size of
my arse.

Listen, I had some woman
calling me up

telling me that you've been selling
computers to her son.

Ah, no, that's just a big
misunderstanding.

Right, good. Glad to hear,

cos we can't have another
handjob situation on our hands.

Oh, definitely not.

Just stay on top of things there,
yeah?Will do.OK.

And try not to get pregnant, yeah?

THEY LAUGH

Or ill!
RUSSELL LAUGHS

No, I'm serious about that one.Oh.

Get ill and you're out.

Great chat. Laters!

Amber!
Oh!I didn't know you worked here.

Oh, my God, it's my cousin.

What, you lot are related?

Yeah.Damn, man, bad genes.

Ha. Hey, listen, you got a phone
charger back there?

I'm meant to be meeting this girl.

Phone's just died.

Who is it? Probably know her.

I got no idea.Oh.

I met her at this mad
Halloween rave.

She's been sending me...

..weird nudes.

Yo...

..you weren't dressed up as Batman
at this rave,

was you, little cousin?

Yeah. What, y... Were you there?

Hey, Batman,

meet Sexy Alien!

Wha...You'll save money in the
wedding,

cos, you know, your side and his
side...

Aw.....are the same side.

That's hilarious.

Are you not gonna lips?I've got...
HE RETCHES

I've got to go.

Hi. There you are.

All right?

I'm a cousin-f*ck, Russell.

I'm a cousin-f*ck.

At least he didn't stand you up.
That's...good.

Check this out.

Oh, God.Look at this.

What is that?

Keep you going till you get
to go to Oz in real life.

Kangaroo.

I hate it.

Thanks, though.

I can't stay in Peterborough now.

Could you, um, cover for me tomorrow
so I can get my passport, please?

Tomorrow?

I'm seeing Clare tomorrow.

OK.

I'll cover for you tomorrow.

I'm sorry for going through your
things. It's bang out of order.

We're like family.

Don't talk about family right now,
please.

When Clare told me to man up,

I think she meant, like, be more
manly...

Russell!

Russell!

..but I think maybe there's lots of
other ways you can man up.

Take a look at this lot!

Like Mulenga making huge
moves as an entrepreneur.

£500 for the lot!

Woohoo!

Well, at least they're out
the storeroom.

Or covering for Amber.

I probably won't do that again,
though,

cos it's absolutely shat on my
chances of getting laid.

Sometimes manning up is trying
not to be jealous,

cos Clare says that's a form of
gaslighting.

I'm definitely not jealous.

Sometimes it's taking a tough lesson
from a colleague,

because you know, deep down,

that they really respect you and
want you to succeed.

I think I've found my true calling

and it's being a manager.

So, you've sorted
out your shoplifting problem?

Oh. The lads?

We are talking about you,
naughty b*stard!

I don't want any of my staff
getting physical.

Ah!

So just confront them...

What's gone wrong in your
life that's brought you here?

..but not physically.

Ah, my nose!But stop them...

Could be the start of your retail
career.

..as a family.Thought you
said your brother was a dealer?

He doesn't let me smoke, cos
obviously I'm only 14, so...

You're 14?!

We're f*cked.

MUSIC: God's Plan
by Drake