01x01 - The Breakup

[bunniefuu]

All right, here we go.

I'm fast.

I'm a k*ller.

And this is my rent-controlled apartment!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ooh. Ow.

Ow. Pause one sec. My back.
Sorry, Lamoth, hang on a second. Oof.

This is what happens when
you don't stretch before we work out.

No, no, this is what happens

when you fall asleep on a pile of laundry.

Come on, man, walk it off. It's wing day!

I think I'm good.

Hey, you-you want a shirt?
Let me give you a shirt.

So I'm checking out that big light
in the hallway tonight.

You should come.

Yeah, I've seen the light.

I find something new every time.

Uh, I'm kind of excited to just stay in.

Dan wants to show me Predator 2.

And then, when Dana tries to work,
I'm gonna lay across the keyboard, so...

You don't take advantage of the city, Kev.

There's, like, mad different types
of lights out there.

I'm getting out there.

Two weeks ago, I went to Central Park.

Oh, yeah? Which part?

You know, I got a client
who's a worm over there.

Got him so jacked,

dude looks like a f*cking slug now.

Okay, technically I wasn't "in" the park,

but my butthole specialist is
right across from it.

Oh, right, 'cause you had
that weird thing.

Your-your brother kept sucking on your a*s
when you was a kitten.

I told you, he was looking for milk.

- It's very common.
- Okay, okay.

Hey. Uh, you guys almost finished?

We-we need to talk to Kevin
about something.

No, no, no, this is perfect.

I really don't need to hear
the butthole thing explained to me again.

Ask any cat. It's not weird.

So, what's up, party people?

No rush, but I'm a little late for the sun
hitting my favorite part of the rug.

Buddy, I think we should sit down.

I just have a really full day today.

A nap, Predator 2,

- another nap...
- Kevin...

Dan and I are breaking up.

Damn! On wing day?

Lamoth, this is a private matter.

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home, but I'm gonna roam ♪

♪ out on my own ♪

♪ Till you're home with me ♪

I'm Kevin!

All right, guys.

I'll Google couples' therapists,

you'll go, sort it all out,

and then we'll all look back
and laugh about this at my Oscar party.

Kevin, I know this is scary.

But you're gonna love our new place.

Our new place? "Our" like you and me?

Why would I be going with you?

Because you're our cat,
and I'm the only real adult here.

"Your" cat? You don't own me.

- You don't own this.
- Kevin.

I thought this was, like,
a Hype House situation.

We're always making videos,
I don't have a job... Hmm?

Kev, would some tuna water help?

- Do not do that. Don't trick me like that.
- Kevin,

it is okay if you're having
some feelings about this.

Nope. Not upset.

In fact, I think this might be
the perfect opportunity for me

to go finally live on my own,

since you guys don't get me.

Oh, my God. I get you.

You like to chase hoodie strings.

- Oh, f*ck.
- I'm a wiggly string,

and I want you to bite me.

- And I like to watch.
- No!

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm doing that for you.

But you wouldn't know that,
because you never asked me about me.

Oh, m*therf*cker, I scoop your sh*t.

Why? I bury them real good.

Because they smell like sh*t!

Oh! Oh-h*-h*!

- There it is!
- Guys, let's take a deep breath

and remember that we all love each other.

Well...

Oh, sh*t. So you dumped him?

Let's not get lost in the details.

You're right. It's none of my business.

Not anymore.

And honestly, I'm very relieved
to be done with it.

That's it? You're just walking away?

Yeah, I am.

And just so you know,
your hands are too small.

And your hands are too big.

Bye.

I'm using my litterbox
just the one more time.

But then, we are over.

Hey.

- Do not sh*t in here.
- f*ck off.

Frannie, what if I lived
up in a tree, huh?

Seems peaceful.

- Just go to the ASPCA.
- And be on that

mailing list forever? No, thanks.

You could crash at my pond in Central Park

if you weren't such a p*ssy about water.

Knock it off.

I just got so much space out there
ever since I...

...ever since I lost Rebecca.

Maybe I can live with
one of the other people I know.

Like my vet.

Or-- Ooh! My butthole specialist.

For f*ck's sake!
I cannot take hearing

about your deformed an*s again.

It's not deformed, Chuck. It's prolapsed.

You don't hear me talking about my long,
thin, corkscrew d*ck all the time.

Speaking of that, uh, a little help?

Oh, yeah. Love this.

Skin contact.

Very popular right now.

You're gonna want to throw out
that first glass, sweetheart.

Ugh. We really gotta buy a wine opener.

You know, Kev,

before I landed this job as "cat who
lies on top of the popcorn machine,"

your boy Ranger lived at a pet rescue.

Oh, please! Pet rescues.

What are they "rescuing" you from?

Uh, the New York City housing market?

Well, there's a real gem nearby,

with some real cool dudes.

Other than the rabbits.
They will make you uncomfortable.

I don't know.
I don't love the idea of roommates.

Other cats and their smells and...

Hey, man, you got this.
'Cause you know what's inside you?

Tiger DNA.

Eh, no, actually,
I did one of those tests.

I'm, like, 99% Ashkenazi Jew.

Ugh. I wanted to throw out
this nasty bathmat a year ago,

but I kept it
because Kevin said he loved it.

And-and now the guy says
I force him to play hoodie strings.

So crazy. And wasn't it weird

how he just assumed that you dumped me?

No, I actually found that very perceptive.

So is that
what everybody's gonna think?

That I got dumped?

Like you care what other people think.

You've had the same bathing suit
since seventh grade.

- It covers all the important stuff.
- Barely.

I'm just saying,
maybe we put something on Instagram.

- So everyone knows how it all went down.
- Dan...

I'm not Gwenyth Paltrow.

Let people piece it together from
our social media like God intended.

Well, you're my Gwenyth.

And I'm your... uh...

the-the guy from Coldplay.

Chr... Thom Yorke.

Wow. What a dump.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Little pervert puss!
I got you peeping on video.

You 'bout to get canceled, y'all.

What? Uh, I wasn't peeping.

I'm looking for-- for a place.

Is there a manager around?

Uh, I am the co-owner, okay?

- You are?
- Oh! And why is that surprising?

'Cause I'm a dog?

Or because I'm a female dog?

Just say it. I know you want to.

- Call me a b*tch!
- No, no, no.

- I would never.
- You don't know me, punk!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

- What's happening?
- This cat is thinking

I'm a b*tch out here.

I'll shake you all the way to hell, cat!

Ah! World w*r III!

- No!
- What's happening?

- No!
- Somebody get my f*cking Thundercoat!

What the hell was that?

Well, well.
Somebody's been sucking on that a*s.

Yeah, my brother.

Hey, you like to party?

I've-I've been to a few dinner parties.

Never, like, an alley-cat a*s party.

Alley cat? Who you calling an alley cat,

little black and white beyotch?

Please don't throw fireworks at me.

Ooh. Flea medication.

- Ah!
- Mm.

Name's Cupcake.

Because if you like what's on the bottom,

you are insane.

Hmm.

Talk to the Italian!

A thousand apologies

for the welcome you received
from my Brandi.

Oh.

- Are you guys...
- Yes!

She became my "furrever friend"
three years ago.

Best day of my life.

Seth!

Does someone need
the welcoming committee?

Oh, I-I'm just here for the night.

Hey! That's exactly how I look at things.

Because every new day could be the day

I meet my perfect match.

Would you want to sleep

- in the same bed?
- Um... your eye is oozing.

I'm allergic to myself.

Now let me walk you through this basket.

- A Yankee candle.
- Mm-hmm.

White strawberry bellini.

Ooh, wow. Body butter.

And the best part...

a bunch of crinkly paper shreds!

So, that's Judy.

- She's very sick.
- Yay!

Now, let me take a look at you.

shorthaired and stunning.

Oh, you think so? It felt flat lately.

Modest, in spite of having
the juiciest paw pads I've ever seen.

Big, fat juicers run in my family.

It's like, actually,

- mine are the smallest--
- I am at a loss

for words to describe those haunches.

- May I have a squeeze?
- Let's work our way up to that.

Ooh. Stingy with his haunches. Okay.

But still, you are clearly
front window materiel.

I've got a beautiful bed up there

that's yours for as long as you need.

Yeah, I'm probably checking out tomorrow.

I'll keep the bed wet for you, Kevin.

Scuse me!

♪ Hello walls ♪

♪ Hello, hello ♪

♪ How'd things go for you today? ♪

Ah!

Hey, I feel you! Get out of my ear!

Oh, wow.
You're-- you're usually out cold by now.

Is everything okay?

- Do I know you?
- Oh, Dan, you stop it right now.

I'm Kristie. I live up in the corner.

And sometimes I sleep in your ear.

- You do what?
- Dana finally left you, right?

Uh-- Uh, what?

Just putting the pieces together.

You can't sleep,

she isn't here...

Did she leave you for someone at work?

Oh! None of my business.

I'm gonna get out of your hair.

And your ear.

Hold on. Now,
why do you assume I got dumped?

I see stuff up there.

Like her face whenever you do missionary.

- You watch us have sex?
- Oh.

You're telling me
you've never peeped on me?

I'm up there f*cking all the time.

Above my bed?
Does-does stuff, like, fall out on me?

Honey, everything is gonna be okay.

I'll put the word out.

All the bugs in this building are
gonna rally around you

in this sad, sad time of your life.

- You will be covered in bugs.
- Look.

This breakup was a mutual decision.

She just... thought of it first.

Right.

Now stop spreading rumors, or...

I don't know.
I'm gonna go get the broom.

Oh, don't do that.
I catch a lot of bugs for you.

Bugs that want to sleep in places
way worse than your ear.

You ever heard of d*ck-hole flies?

- Let me in, let me in, let me in!
- No! No! No, no, no, no!

- Ah!
- You're welcome, hon.

And I'm anxious
about today's adoption fair.

There's this stigma that
only crazy people have pet squirrels.

I haven't lost hope in my heart.

Mm-mm. And I believe
that someday someone will want me...

Where the f*ck am I?

I mean, how did a squirrel end up in here?

Seth started feeding him out of his hand.

Now the poor son of a b*tch couldn't find
nuts in a men's locker room.

Glenn, we see you.

Glenn, we hear you.

Glenn, we love you.

Glenn, we thank you...

- Glenn, we hold you up...
- Good drawing.

Is that me?

Is that rabbit looking at me?

What rabbit?

Now, before today's big adoption fair,

I encourage all of you to be like Glenn

and give voice to your feelings
before they turn into the two Hs:

hiding and humping.

Good God, man.

You promised us
you'd keep these meetings short.

Let us get on with our lives!

Almost there, Armando, sorry.

Uh, one last thing.

Cupcake would like you all
to "up-sell every lonely loser"--

her words!--
on pictures with "the hairless freak."

I will also be selling my "energy pills."

And my CD.

Tell me you didn't
bankroll those CDs.

I believe CDs are coming back--

And that is speed she's selling!

I can't be around that stuff anymore!

Is this an a*usive situation?

Look at him. He's a sub, he loves it.

...sleeping on the floor tonight!

What am I still doing here?

You will not make me late
for my tail extension consultation!

f*ck!

"...and that's why having more money
is a good thing."

Okay, that is a bad report, Brad.

Uh... Dana? I think your ex is here.

Hey!

Um... what are you doing here?

So, I don't want to weird you out.

But, uh, I've got the spider
who lives in our apartment in my bag.

Your apartment.

We gotta have boundaries.

Yeah. No, I hear that.

Anyway, this spider, Kristie,
thinks that you dumped me.

- Hi, girl.
- Hi.

Ooh, no makeup in the office. Brave.

I just really wanted her to hear,
from you, that you didn't dump me.

Dan...

You cannot be showing up at my job, okay?

Boundaries. Right.

Anyway... let me get out of here.

Uh, you look great!

Hey, Dana!

Remember when you put me under that cup?

I've made peace with that, honey.

No one cares.

Sorry. This one patch of fur
will just not lay the way I want it to.

You look great.
You'll be beating people off with a stick.

Well, hold on, now.

I'm picking up a tomato bisque?

You a soup guy?

Hey, man. You seem cool, but...

I'm here looking for a puppy.

Okay. Sorry I'm not a puppy.

It's nothing personal.

I just don't see myself
going for a run with a cat.

Oh, f*ck off! Cats run.

We run all the time, you prick.

I can see why
somebody dropped you here, man.

You got a bad vibe.

And I spent a long time
talking to that rat.

I am not rat! I am Peter. I am dog.

You're not fooling anybody, Peter.

I am clearly dog.

I run.

I find bone of dead animal.

So very valuable.

Okay, kid. Let's cut our losses.

No, that guy is right.
I look like sh*t, right?

Don't I? I-- Do I look like sh*t?

Listen, if you want
to talk to me about this,

we're gonna do it out back,

before one of these clammy shut-ins
tries to put their hands on me.

Oh, what's your name?

Back off, hon,
you wouldn't know what to do with this.

Are we really going to mope over people?

They're ridiculous! Who needs


I'll tell you something about people.

Litter boxes?
They get off on those things.

It's about power.

And those chunky human a*s cheeks...

Anuses are meant to be on display.

Mm-hmm. Go ahead.

Well, not all of 'em.

Be-Because so many of us
have prolapsed buttholes.

Hmm. Not been my experience.

I must've seen
hundreds of freaky buttholes.

But I have never seen
bubblegum chewed up that bad.

Okay, yes, my butthole is weird.

But what is your deal?

I'm feral, baby. Untamed.

Only squat at this dump
for the photo op cash.

Move along.

How does one end up being feral?

W-Was your mom feral?

I don't know. She plopped us out
in the Port Authority Dunkin'

and hopped on the next bus out of town.

Yeah. Was a rough start.

Spent my youth charging kids
a quarter to pull my tail.

But I tell ya,
nothing tops The Outside.

Wind whistling through my skin flaps,

stalking a fresh k*ll...

Yeah... Gosh, you make it sound so cool.

Did I waste my best years watching
Say Yes To The Dress on a sectional?

Oh, my gosh, I'm shaking.

Mm-hmm. Because you look
beautiful in that gown, Tracy!

Oh, I lost at least two of my lives

to What Would You Do
with John Quiñones.

If you saw a German
shepherd in a crowded bowling alley

taking credit for a chili
he did not make...

...what would you do?

Kevin!
There's a young woman asking for you!

I didn't get her name because
I started puking from excitement.

- Ooh! Dibs!
- What? Hey!

- On her puke?
- Baby, I sell cat vomit on the dark web.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just warming up some nuts...

I'm not talking to you, Glenn.

I know you're pissed off at me
right now, but...

I'm here because of Dan.

I'm worried about him.

You gotta go talk to him.

Nah, nah, nah, nah.
That's not my problem anymore.

Please drop this stupid tough-guy routine.

Wait a minute...
How'd you even know I was here?

Kevin... [sighs] You're chipped.

I'm chipped?!

I'm extremely anti-chip!

You read my Substack!
When did this happen?

Well, you know
how we have to put you under

to get your teeth cleaned?

You monster!

I knew you'd be upset, but Dan was like,

"What if he gets lost without his phone?

Or if he gets kidnapped
by a serial k*ller?"

The chip was Dan's idea?

I can't trust either one of you!

Okay, I'm done talking to you.

I need some space.

Sorry.

It's fine, Glenn!

Babe, look at this guy's tuxedo.

Aw! Does someone want a tummy scratch?

Let me guess.

You want a cat
'cause the sitch at home got stale.

You tried a threesome
and it only made things worse.

It was too much texting.

Don't talk about our failed threesome
with this damaged cat.

Oh, I'm damaged?

You're the one who's damaged!

Kevin, if you need to blow off steam,

I have an old blanket
you can get intimate with.

Wake up, animals!
This whole adoption thing is a sham!

Why is it our job to help people
feel important in their stupid lives?

Hmm?

Maybe you were meant for more than that.

Maybe you belong out in the wild,

not wasting the best years of your life

in some over-priced fourth floor walk-up!

Animals belong outside!

And so that's where I'm going.

Now, who's with me?

Ah!

- Put me up on that thing!
- O-Of course.

Okay, people, nothing to see here.

That cat doesn't even f*cking live here.

Now just shut up and grab some wine
and make some lifelong connections.

Oh, fine.

Enjoy your shitty small talk.

I'm gonna go...

fulfill my destiny.

If you ask me,

he was rat, whole time.

Excuse me. Hi. Ma-Maybe you can help me.

I'm-I'm looking for a goose named Chuck.

He's got a long neck. Um...

His wife is dead.

I don't deal with the gooses.
I'm just temping here.

I'm an actress.
Take a flyer for my show.

Uh...

I'm an emotional support cat,
so it's hard for me to get out...

It's burlesque.

But I show hole!

This is it, Kev.

Grass under your paws,
breeze in your fur, ominous trees,

a thousand eyes peering out
from every branch...

This is it.

All right. Nothing to be afraid of.

Trees aren't scary. They can't even talk.

They're not humans, they're not cats--

Or rats, or horses, or spiders.

Holy sh*t, you can talk!

Nah. I'm pretty sure this is just your

feral adrenaline kicking in.

Ah...

Oh, my God. I think I'm about to hunt.

Don't think about stupid Glenn
standing at the microwave...

Oh, I'm just warming up some nuts.

I'm fast, I'm a k*ller.

I did not stretch again. Goddammit.

Hey, guys? Don't film this, please.

Okay. I was fully trying to eat you.

But I swear, I'm a good--
Oh, holy sh*t! No!

Yeah! You die tonight, you indoor b*tch!

No, no, no! Please!
I'm-I'm friends with Glenn! You know him?

Oh, yeah, I know Glenn.

- Well, he'd vouch for me.
- f*ck Glenn!

m*therf*cker owes me nuts!

No! Ah!

Ah, f*ck!

sh*t!

Okay, pal. I'll bite. What's wrong?

Sorry, I don't have any bread.

Bread? Did I ask you for bread?

I'm trying to make
a f*cking connection here!

Sorry! I'm-I'm a little spaced out.

You've been moping in here all night,

absolutely ruining the vibe,
and I've had enough.

Why the f*ck are you so sad?

Answer me! Out with it!

Spill!

I got dumped, okay?

My girlfriend dumped me.

And then my cat left.

And now I'm all alone.
Do you know what that's like?

Oh, I know all too well.

Have you ever heard of
Captain Sully Sullenberger?

America's hero?

Ah!

That b*stard k*lled my Rebecca.

She got sucked into the turbine.

We couldn't even have a funeral.

Aw. That's awful.

But I'm sorry your cat left!

Jesus, man. You started talking to me.

Ah!

Whoa! Sorry for in... invading your space.

No problem.
Just do me a favor before you go.

Eat me. Eat me up.

I don't want to kick a guy
while he's down,

but you don't smell okay to eat.

Come on, you b*tch!

Please, don't speak to me like that.

What-what is going on with you, exactly?

I am dinner and dinner is served!

I mean, what the f*ck
are you even doing out here?

I don't know what
I'm doing out here, okay?

I don't think I want to live
with people anymore,

but I clearly can't survive on my own.

I can't even finish off
a half-dead pigeon!

That's right. Get real sad.

And then eat your feelings...

I'm not gonna eat you, you psycho!

- Hey, it's you.
- Ah!

Are you okay?

I'm off the clock, if you need a ride.

Oh, God, yes, please.

This is more than I've walked
in my entire life.

Road trip!

Don't forget the snacks! I'm the snacks.

Eat me!

It's like, yes, my headshots are old,

but I look the same.

Right, right. Again, this is me.

Oh. Well, good night!

And it's okay if I
put your email on my email list, right?

Just make sure to check your spam folder.

In case it goes to spam!

Mark it not spam!

...and then, after I was
resuscitated, the doctor said "ew."

Kevin!

I thought you were gone forever!

Like my sense of smell.

What happened to your destiny?

Yeah, I know I talked a lot of sh*t
about people today,

but the truth is...

my two best friends are people.

And I'm upset that I lost them.

m*rder-suicide?

No, they broke up.

Your people are still out there, Kevin.

And you know what I think?

You didn't lose them...

you found us.

Oh, shut the f*ck up, Judy.

Don't even listen to him, girl.
That was sweet.

So what am I supposed to do?

I really don't want to do
the adoption thing right now.

Then don't.

Living with people, that's for dogs.

You're a cat,
and cats do whatever they want here.

Hmm. Mmm.

Wow. Why is this so good?

Because it didn't beg me to k*ll it?

It's from this baker, Davidé,
in Jackson Heights,

who's obsessed with me.

I'm a cake muse, Kevin.

You're going to have to learn that
about me.

Aw! You guys!

Look at us. We're a team.

Of friends. Who are a family!

A framileam!

Framileam means something different
where I come from.

It's an opioid.

And I got some.

I'm good with the cheesecake.

Yeah...

Mm.

Ugh.

Don't worry about me.

I'm alone out here by choice.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Hey!

Kevin! Hey!

That's my cat...

No wave back, huh?

That was cold.

Oh. Hey, Chuck-- whoa!

Whoa.
Watch-watch where you point that thing.

- There's no pointing a corkscrew p*nis.
- Ew, ew, ew!

- And I don't want to miss the next train.
- Oh, God.

I got a job interview at JP Morgan.

Oh... kay. All right. I'm done.

- Anyway, good luck with your-- Ah!
- Sorry!

It's like the freaking Bellagio, huh?

♪ It's all around...

Don't get to my age, buddy!

It takes you 30 minutes to tinkle.

♪ Or are my eyes...

Hey, what are you lookin' at?

♪ Fooling me...

You never seen corkscrew piss before? Huh?

You never been
to a f*ck' water park, as*h*le?

♪ The planet turning...

It just keeps going,
doesn't it, kid?

♪ I see a phoenix rising ♪

♪ A matter of time ♪

Chirp.