01x02 - Everybody Still Hates Block Parties

[bunniefuu]

[hip-hop music]

- New Yorkers have always

loved block parties.

You can hang out with everyone

in your neighborhood,

and best of all,

you didn't have to invite them

into your house.

The block party is on Saturday!

- Uh, doy.

- I'm gonna win

the hot dog eating contest.

The trick is not to chew.

[gagging]

- Guess again, Drew.

- [coughs]

- I volunteered you and Tonya

to look after the younger kids.

- What? It's not fair.

Ah!

- Is it fair I work two jobs?

Is it fair Arbor Day

is my only day off?

[all sigh]

- My dad was like Candyman,

but we summoned him

by saying, "It's not fair."

- Is it fair I have to spend

the whole block party

on the grill?

- He had to grill,

because he was

the only daddy on the block.

Except for this guy.

all: Hey, Daddy.

- More importantly,

is it fair I never

get done grilling

in time to get some

of your mama's mac and cheese?

- What can I say?

It goes so fast.

Like every car that gets

parked on our block,

it's gone in 60 seconds.

- You just love being treated

like a queen for a day,

don't you?

- Nuh-uh, Mr. Grill Master.

You're the one who loves

being treated like the king

of the neighborhood.

- Because outside

the neighborhood,

he got treated

like Rodney King.

- What I like is making sure

everyone gets to eat.

That's what being a man

is all about--

providing.

- I appreciate everything

you've provided to me, Daddy.

- Oh, you're welcome, honey.

- But you still

have to babysit.

- What's Chris gonna do?

- Whatever I want.

I'm a grown man.

[laughter]

- You thought you--

he said he was a man!

- I didn't get

another laugh that big

till I did Def Comedy Jam.

I wasn't joking.

I'm 17 now.

I'm basically a man.

- You want to be a man, huh?

OK, you're a man--

a garbage man.

Take our old mattress

out to the curb.

- It wasn't a Serta.

It was a sorta.

It's not fair.

Ah!

[upbeat hip-hop music]

[panting]

- Little dude

from across the street,

let me hold a dollar.

- Can you help a brotha out?

- Nah, you got it.

- What the--

[yelping]

While I was

trying to be a man,

the girl next door

had become a woman.

[sensual music]

♪

That was the mattress.

I mean, uh, hi, Tasha.

You look different.

- Really? How so?

- [laughs nervously]

You know,

you just seem so mature.

- I spent the summer

at sleepaway camp.

And I learned a lot.

- So are you going

to the block party?

- Yeah.

Maybe I'll see you there.

- Boobs!

You have boobs now!

Ah!

- Ooh, there go Rochelle.

I can't wait

for her mac and cheese.

- It stops me up,

but it's worth it.

- Hey, I asked for it

as my last meal

when I was on death row.

But I didn't get to have it

because I got pardoned.

- Don't worry.

There'll be plenty

for everyone--

who gets there early.

[dramatic music]

- Hey, Rochelle.

- Peaches, you're back.

- Oh, yeah.

Summer vacation

is over, but, girl,

I'm still on island time.

Mm!

- I thought you were in jail.

- Uh-huh, Rikers Island.

I could see the ocean

from my cell.

And girl, we made

daiquiris in a toilet.

Mm.

- It must have been hard

being away

from your daughter all summer.

- Nah, it was easy.

My oldest was in there, too.

I met her for the first time.

- First time?

Well, didn't you

give birth to her?

Never mind.

No, I meant being

away from Tasha.

- Oh, I just sent her

to sleepaway camp.

Why don't they have that

during the school year, huh?

- I can't imagine.

- Oh, I see we're

making mac and cheese.

Again.

- It's back by popular demand.

- Mm.

You know, you're not the only

one on the block who can cook.

Maybe I'll bring

something this year.

- Sure.

Just don't make

it in the toilet.

[school bell rings]

- Wait. Tasha Tasha?

I thought you were over her.

And I know she was over you.

- You don't understand.

Everything's different now.

- What, she has bigger boobs?

- Yeah, bigger boobs, yeah.

And when I asked if she was

going to the block party,

she said,

"Maybe I'll see you there."

- Dude, that's, like, girl code

for, "I want your body."

You're so in there.

- You really think

I have a shot?

I mean, she's so mature now.

- Then you need to be, too.

[cool hip-hop music]

♪

- Hm. Looking good, Chris.

Well, not good, but less bad.

- You're right.

I need Tasha

to see me as a man.

But not the kind who takes out

old stained mattresses.

- The kind

who stains mattresses.

- Ugh.

- What? I'm disgusting.

- Mm-mm-mm.

- Rochelle's coming.

- I've been waiting

all year for this.

- [groaning]

This mac, man.

It's got me, man.

That cheese just be calling me.

I just got to go to it.

- OK.

No more mac for Pookie.

Peaches, I didn't think

you'd actually bring anything.

But look at you!

- Oh, it's nothing much.

[dramatic musical sting]

- [gasps]

You made mac and cheese?

- Is that a problem?

- The problem is,

I make the mac and cheese.

- Oh.

[laughs]

Well, mine is like McDonald's,

and yours is more like

McDowell's.

But it's not

a competition, Rochelle.

- Oh, yes it was.

- Can't believe we're not

getting paid for this.

- I know.

Spending our whole day

keeping these kids safe.

[laughter]

- Whoa!

- Hey, get off!

That's our garbage.

- I just wanna jump on it.

- OK.

You can jump on it--

for a quarter.

- Whoa!

I can see into my apartment.

Why is my mom taking a bath

with the mailman?

[hip-hop music playing]

- H-hey.

Looking good, Chris.

- Chris, why are you

walking like that?

Did you sit on your nuts again?

- No.

[whispering]

I'm trying to be a man.

- You know that's lit, right?

- Oh!

Ah!

No, no.

Ah! Whew.

That wasn't a mattress.

[rock music]

♪

- Hi, Chris.

You know how cute

I always thought you were.

♪

- Chris, come help me

on the grill!

- Me? Now? Why?

- Because you want to be a man,

and men man the grill.

- It was a block party,

all right.

And I was the one

getting blocked.

- Don't flip it too soon.

The patty will

stick to the grill.

- [sighs]

- But don't flip it too late.

The patty will stick

to the grill.

It's a sticky grill.

- [groans]

- Ooh, look how gooey it is.

What's that?

- That's my mac and cheese.

- Uh-oh.

- It's fine.

You know how Peaches is

always trying to be like me.

- I just wish I had

the wisdom that comes

from being Rochelle's age.

- Well, bye.

- I want you

to enjoy it right here.

- Mm, mm!

Even better than I remember.

- Thanks, Nessa.

Now try hers.

- What?

Why?

- It'll be fun.

- What's in this?

- Elbows and government cheese.

- Mine has cheddar

and parmesan,

but it's not a competition.

Whose is better?

- Mm.

Uh, mm.

Can't tell yet.

Let me try some more.

Mm.

- What the--

- Can I get a burger,

medium rare?

[all gasp]

- [whispering]

This is a Black event.

You can only get it well done.

- But why?

- Because we couldn't afford

to get food poisoning.

But now that I'm rich,

I could just walk up to a cow

and bite it.

What are you doing here?

- What are you doing?

I thought you wanted

Tasha to see you

as a man, not a child--

Julia Child.

Hey-o!

- My dad's making me grill.

That's his idea of being a man.

- I think Tasha likes

their idea.

- Oh, come on!

I got to go talk to her.

- Chris, these hot dogs ain't

going to rotate themselves.

- Don't worry.

I got this.

Hey, Mr., uh, Chris' dad.

Why does Chris have to work

while everyone else has fun?

It's not fair that--

- Is it fair that they call it

the World Series

when it's just teams

from North America?

- Uh--

- Is it fair that

Neil Armstrong got

to walk on the Moon,

but Michael Collins had

to stay in the command module?

- Make it stop.

- Dad, I should go after Greg.

He's white.

Something could happen to him.

- Like what?

He's going to get

approved for a loan?

- There's no getting away

from my dad.

- Can't you just

tell him the truth?

That you're horny

for Tasha's boobies?

- Pfft. Yeah, right.

I guess I blew

my chance with her.

Greg?

- [whispering]

Sorry. She's just so hot now.

- Man.

[laughter and cheering]

- Whee!

Oof!

- Just as the cards foretold.

- I'm going to jump up to

Heaven and say hi to Grandma.

- Ducky, no!

- [grunts]

Whoa!

[splashes]

Aw, man!

- Yo, Big Edgar!

You gotta try this!

- Here, try mine.

- No thanks.

I--

- Well?

- It's good, OK?

Don't hurt me.

- [groans]

- Mm!

Mm, mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

- Spit it out, Mr. Omar.

Or you'll be planning

your own funeral.

- Yo, man,

you going to eat that?

- Let me make you

a plate, sweetie.

- Oh, no. I'm good.

- It's a crime

to let this go to waste.

- Thank you, Risky.

That means a lot.

- I got Peaches' famous

mac and cheese here.

No line. $5.

Way better than Rochelle's.

- [laughs]

- [sighs]

[funky music playing]

♪

- I think I've got it.

[siren wailing]

- Five-O!

- Attention, citizens.

You--

- Side, close, side.

Oh, damn it.

- I don't know

what's going on here.

But that kid's

one hell of a dancer.

- Wait, wait!

A boy fell in a manhole.

- Accidentally.

It was no one's fault.

But you have to wonder,

where were the parents?

- It's Baby Jessica

all over again.

I'm going to be

on the "Today" show.

Describe the victim.

- About 4'8".

- Mm-hmm.

- Maybe 90 pounds.

- Uh-huh.

- Black.

[tires squeal]

- Grilled to perfection.

Thank you, Mr. Julius.

- I didn't cook that.

It was Chris.

- Little dude

from across the street,

you got a tip jar?

- Uh, yeah.

Right here.

- You know

I don't have it on me.

- Feels good to be a man,

doesn't it?

- Yeah.

- I've got something for you.

- The big piece of chicken!

[gasps]

- Well done.

Get it?

Well done?

[laughs]

- Thank God I got

my mom's sense of humor.

- You're ready to man

the grill by yourself.

- Where are you going?

- To finally get some of

your mama's mac and cheese.

- You sure you don't want

to try some, Rochelle?

It's about to run out,

and then all we gonna have left

is your whole tray.

- I don't eat

government cheese.

- OK, you know what?

This is a competition,

and I am winning.

So why do you keep acting

like you're better than me?

- Maybe because I didn't

spend the summer in jail

for public intoxication.

- It was public nudity!

And it wasn't my fault.

I was drunk.

- That's what

intoxication means!

- Ugh! You are so stuck up.

- Rochelle, this is the best

mac and cheese I've ever had.

- [laughs]

That's actually

my mac and cheese.

- [gasps]

- Uh-oh.

- Would you care

for seconds, Julius?

- What have I done?

- I do not need this!

My mac has two cheeses!

- Ducky!

We brought you some food.

Here, catch.

- Ooh, a hot dog!

I can eat these so fast.

The trick is not to chew.

- Ducky, no!

- [gagging]

- We got to tell Mom.

- No.

There has to be another way.

- I think I've got it!

Side, close, side, tap.

- Greg, no!

- Look out!

- [screams]

- [coughs]

I'm OK!

- I'm not!

- You the man, Chris.

- Tasha.

- Hey.

I thought we were

going to hang out.

Kind of felt like

you were ignoring me.

- Ignoring you?

I've been thinking

about you all day.

Don't say that out loud!

- Really?

I've been thinking

about you all day too.

- Never mind.

You do you.

Oh, do you want to hang out

after the block party?

- How about right now?

My mom got in some huge fight

over macaroni and cheese,

so my apartment's empty.

Maybe I'll see you there.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[whispering]

What do I do?

- You are ready to man

the grill by yourself.

- And I learned a lot

at sleepaway camp.

- You the man, Chris.

- The kind

that stains mattresses.

- Forget about being a man.

- You're ready to be a daddy.

- Why are you grilling me?

I can feel pain.

- Ah!

Grill's closed.

Tasha, wait up!

- Chris, you better not

bring home no babies!

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- Baby, what's wrong?

- Everyone on this block

has lost

their damn minds, that's what.

I'm the only sane one left.

- Mm-hmm.

- Look, I know it's stupid,

but I miss being treated

like a queen for a day.

- It's not stupid.

Why do you think I do

the grilling every year?

- So you can sell

the leftover meat

to that Chinese restaurant?

- Well, yeah.

But also, I like being

the king of the neighborhood.

Peaches may be

the queen for today,

but you're a queen every day.

My queen.

- Thank you, baby. But damn!

Not even one person liked

my mac and cheese better?

- Well, I still

haven't tried it.

Oh, my Lord!

- You're just saying that.

- God damn!

Mm-mm-mm!

- I'm so glad

we're finally alone.

- Me too.

- I tried a lot of new things

at sleepaway camp.

Want to see what I can do

with my tongue?

- This girl was a freak!

- [speaking tongues]

- This girl was a freak!

What are you doing?

- Speaking in tongues.

I got the Holy Ghost, Chris.

At church camp!

- You went

to sleepaway church camp?

So why did you want

to be alone with me?

- To talk to you

about getting saved.

What did you think

I wanted to do?

- Don't make me say it.

I'll get in trouble.

- I've seen you staring

at my boobs, Chris.

You've given in to the

temptations of the flesh.

- Uh, I just--

you said you were

thinking about me all day.

- I was praying for you.

I want you to come

to church with me, Chris.

[all speaking tongues]

- I'll think about it.

I thought about it, and nope!

Well, see ya!

[door slams]

- A white kid fell

in a manhole!

- All units, this is

a level 4 mobilization.

I need EMS, ESU, medevac,

HAZMAT, and SWAT.

I'm going to meet

Willard Scott.

[both sigh]

- Mm, mm, mm, mm.

The grill!

The big piece of chicken!

$37.90 worth of leftover meat!

Chris!

[sirens wailing]

- Uh, five-O, five-O, five-O!

- You're not going

to put that out?

- There's a white child

in a hole!

- I gotta do everything myself.

- It's been a harrowing four

minutes since a white child

fell into this manhole,

and all of New York

is demanding to know how much

longer the rescue will take.

- A Black kid fell in first.

- Ah, ah.

I'm getting reports now

that something may have

broken the white child's fall.

[both sigh]

- Oh, snap!

Dad, I'm sorry.

- How could you leave

the grill unattended?

Where were you?

- At Tasha's.

- Doing what?

- [sighs]

Nothing, as usual.

I got rejected.

Anyway, I'm ready

for my punishment now.

- You know,

I was young once, too.

I get how it feels

when a girl shoots you down.

So how bad was it?

- She spoke in tongues,

and now she wants me

to go to church with her.

- I think

she's good for you, Chris.

- Wait, for real?

- Your mama shot me down

at first too.

But a real man knows the right

woman is worth the effort.

- Did Mom ever

make you do anything

you didn't want to do?

Yeah, have kids!

- Peaches.

You win.

- Yeah! In your face!

I'm the queen of this b*tch!

- How could anyone

like government cheese?

You put crack in there,

I know it!

- I may not use

fancy ingredients,

but food is more

of a feeling than a flavor.

- Yeah, whatever.

- Come on. Just try it.

- What's wrong

with your cheese, Rochelle?

It's not melting.

- It's government cheese.

That's what you get

when your family's poor.

[laughter]

- She's poor!

[laughter]

- I don't hate

government cheese.

I just hated the way

other people

made me feel for eating it.

- Girl, I know

what it's like to be judged.

- And sentenced.

- And here I was,

making you feel less than.

- What you mean, less than?

Like how everyone liked your

mac and cheese less than mine?

[laughs]

- Well, I tried.

Oops.

[dramatic music]

- I got T-shirts here. $10.

[all cheering]

- They saved the white boy!

- Yeah!

- Oh, yeah!

- Breaking news!

The white child has

been rescued, finally.

How scary was it

to fall into the sewer

in a Black neighborhood?

- Wait. Am I on TV?

If there are any

hot babes watching,

will you please go out with me?

You will not be disappointed.

I have scoliosis,

so I'm super flexible.

- Ugh!

- You nasty.

- Did he just say that?

- Ew.

- Ducky, you're OK.

- I want the quarters.

All of them.

- [scoffs]

Or what?

- Or I'm telling your mom.

[both sigh]

- Tasha, hey.

I thought about what you said,

and

I'll go to church

with you sometime.

- [gasps]

I'm so glad, Chris.

First we've got

to get you rebaptized.

- Uh, mm-hmm.

- You really think

she's good for Chris?

- Nope.

But at least he won't

bring home no babies.

- In the name of the Father,

the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

- Wait. We're doing this now?

[blubbering]

singers: Everybody

still hates Chris ♪