01x09 - Everybody Still Hates Bullies

[bunniefuu]

In the '80s,

my number one rule

was to avoid bullies

at all costs.

I avoided them at home.

- Hey!

- Chris did it.

Mama, get your belt.

I avoided bullies

on the block.

Yo, let me hold a dollar.

I'm gonna jaywalk.

And I definitely tried

to avoid the bullies

at school.

Whoa, look, it's Rick Lames.

Eep.

So when a new freshman

who bullied like a senior

showed up, I was ready.

Yo, b*tch.

Black power.

Aww, my maternity muumuu.

I guess the last time I packed

for a trip was when

I gave birth to Tonya.

How are you going

on a work trip?

I thought you were gonna get

severance money

to buy me singing lessons

for the spring musical.

I am, sweetie.

Mama's working really hard

to get laid off.

But yesterday

my boss announced

an all-expense-paid

corporate retreat

Aka a free vacation.

So that severance plan

is on hold.

Aww, I think this is

Tonya's umbilical cord.

Are you sure you wanna go

on vacation without us?

We're your whole world.

The retreat's in Philly,

right by the factory

where they make

my chocolate turtles.

Now while I'm gone, if you two

don't know what to make

for dinner, tell Chris.

If you stub your toe,

tell Chris.

And if you can't find Chris,

tell Chris.

Rochelle, I can handle it.

You won't have

to worry about a thing,

except these items I want you

to borrow.

Hotel towels, hotel pillows,

a hotel robe?

What?

I wanna look like

Michael Douglas

in "Wall Street."

And that's why I think Picard

and Dr. Pulaski had an affair.

Whoa.

I respect Chris now.

Ooh, Chris, you'd

be the perfect candidate

to wicka-wicka-wicka DJ

the school dance.

- Why? Because I'm Black?

- Because you're Black.

If you're gonna DJ,

can I be your hype boy?

It's hype man.

Whatever it's called,

I'm doing it.

It's called

cultural appropriation, b*tch.

Hotel bath towel.

Hotel toilet.

Mmm.

- Daddy?

My throat hurts.

Can we go to the doctor?

The doctor?

Doctors don't listen to people

like us.

I was delivering a package

to the Bronx Zoo,

and guess who signed for it?

Yep, that's serious.

Look alive!

Code White! Code White!

But don't worry, I got you.

I can't lose my voice.

Tryouts for the musical

are next week.

Can we call Mama?

We don't need your mama.

We got the holy trinity

of home remedies:

steam

Vapor rub

She looked shinier

than Lil Nas X.

Ew.

And some hot 'tussin.

Why're you mixing it

with water?

Mo' water, mo' tussin.

Chris!

Thank God.

I'm sick.

Just pour some 'tussin on it.

You'll be fine.

Disco? Elevator polka?

Eartha Kitt and Don Holt

debate cold w*r strategy?

Dad, what happened

to all your good vinyl?

I sold 'em

to fix the fridge.

Would you rather

have rotten food?

Yes.

Are you sure

I can't be your hype boy?

Why do I need a hype boy?

DJs are so popular

these days,

they all get trampled

by their fans.

Sad news today

from "Da Club,"

where a DJ has been trampled

because his beats were,

reports say, too funkalicious.

I could protect you

through hype.

Do you even know

what "Hype" means?

When I say, "Hey,"

you say, "h*."

Hey.

all: h*.

Hey.

all: h*.

When I say, "Chris is on,"

you say, "Welfare."

Chris is on--

all: Welfare.

Chris is on--

all: Welfare!

She's very good.

Nope.

Wait, where are you going?

It's not worth it.

That's what I shoulda said

before I went

and got stranded

at Burning Man.

You got records?

I was so used

to being bullied,

I assumed he wanted

to bully me too.

If you want 'em,

you can have 'em.

What do you know

about DeeDee BigBalls

and the Glitter Boys?

I wanna hire you.

- What?

I need a DJ for a small party

I'm throwing.

Me, DJ an actual party?

You clearly don't know

who I am.

Marcus pays cash money, honey.

Who's Marcus?

Keep up, kid. Me.

So you'll do it?

Well, Chris does like cash.

Great.

It's hard to find

a DJ these days.

All the good ones get trampled.

Feeling better, sweet pea?

Uh, hello?

- Hi, baby.

- Hi, you.

That's my father's

I-done-effed-up voice.

So how are my babies?

Do you need me to come home?

No, I'm not.

What the?

- I just wanted soup.

- Ugh!

All I need is hotel towels

and tiny shampoos.

And a nightstand,

if it fits in your purse.

Okay? Well, love you.

Bye.

No daughter of mine's

gonna be a background tree.

Hi, I think my daughter's

tonsils might need to be take--

Any bleedouts, heart attacks,

or tramplings during a DJ set?

- No, but--

- Then take a number.

A-18.

Thank God.

I thought I was gonna--

Uh.

All right, kid.

Are you ready?

You're up.

- Marcus?

Marcus doesn't exist here, honey.

Only Titney Houston,

choreographer/singer/model.

And, of course,

the legendary mother

of the House of Houston.

Who's Titney?

Oh, girl, keep up.

Me!

Now get this party going.

And don't [bleep] it up,

or I'll trample you myself.

Huh?

Yes!

I knew you would fit right in.

I always thought

heaven would be filled

with big boobs,

heels, and hairspray.

And it was.

Hi, sorry.

These pancakes are burned.

Oh, you don't like 'em?

All good.

You did the damn thing

tonight, Chris.

You brought

the O-P-U-L-E-N-C-E,

opulence, to that party, henny.

You owned everyone.

Impressive

for a straight boy.

Thanks.

There's more

where this came from

if you DJ for us tomorrow.

It's Mother's first time

hosting a ball.

Wouldn't miss it.

Sounds way more fun

than not DJing my school dance.

Oh, wow.

Look, girls.

Jam Master g*y

found his people.

And what's wrong with you?

You going through

some psychological change

in your life?

Yeah,

with those tacky clothes,

that ridiculous shape,

that baggy, saggy face.

She wears more makeup

than my mother does.

You k*lled them!

What?

No, they just left.

Do you know

that Molly Ringwald wannabe?

She's a bully at school.

Uh, you destroyed her.

I've got two rules in life--

don't back down from a bully

and never wear kitten heels.

Teach me how.

We can show you

Thank you so much.

If you DJ my party tomorrow

for free.

I'm still paying off

this wig, girl.

Yeah.

It's cold, smelly.

People keep asking me

for foot rubs.

They offering you money?

I can't do another shift.

I'm too tired,

there's too many patients,

and it smells like old piss.

Do you want these?

It'll keep you warm.

Cool.

Excuse me,

but how much longer?

Sir, I got

a sick daughter here.

In times like these,

my father turned

to a higher power.

What would Rochelle do?

Get on the floor.

You, put the Dunks in the bag.

If you let us keep some Dunks,

I'll give you

these breath mints.

It makes a cool sound.

Damn it,

that's such a cool sound.

Fine!

Bribery!

How about you help

my daughter get a bed,

and I help you get

free garlic bread?

No. B-22.

Okay, Chris, we're gonna

teach you how to read.

I know how to read.

Not read, read.

It means to lay into someone.

And you know reading is what?

Fundamental.

Reading is the art of insult, okay?

You tell people who they are

by tapping into who you are.

And we laugh our asses off

because you found a flaw

and exaggerated it.

That's how we beat bullies.

The more real,

the more vicious.

And when all else fails

just shout, "Look over there!"

You ready to tell 'em

like it is?

First, you find a flaw.

What do you notice

about this man?

Um, I guess his nose

is a little big.

Sorry.

- Really, Chris?

That's what you're going for?

His nose? Ugh.

Second,

you exaggerate the flaw.

How would you tell

this man he is ugly?

Uh, you're ugly?

Wrong!

You've gotta add some color.

Like BMW--body made wrong.

Yeah, this isn't worth

the $5 you offered me to stay.

And last, you've gotta

deliver it with confidence.

Read this stuck-up

skinny b*tch.

Uh, your butt's so small,

you can't--

Stop.

No, no-no-no, no, no.

No.

- Stand up straight.

Hand on hip.

- Perk your boobs up.

- Uh--uh.

Your butt's so small,

you can't even--

Oh, I see what

the problem is.

It's not your pose, it's you.

How the hell you gonna

look down on somebody

if you can't look

inside yourself?

You've gotta dig deep.

It needs to feel like

it's gonna bust outta you.

Your butt--

Okay, is he poopin'?

- It's a lost cause.

- No!

No straight boy left behind.

- Child, please.

You just left a straight boy

behind this morning.

- How much for a soup?

- 50¢.

But for you, Doc

- Oh, I'm not--

It's free.

Yes, it is.

They'll wanna take

her tonsils out.

Who?

We haven't seen a doctor.

It took forever just

to get this bed.

I'll let

Congress know you're unhappy

with the American

health-care system.

Ugh!

What would Rochelle do?

Psst. Nuh-uh.

You think you're gonna skimp

on my child? Not today.

She deserves a mess

of Tater Tots,

so get to scoopin'!

I got to go off on him!

Hey, your roof leaks

and your lights flicker.

Half the windows

are stuck open.

And you make us wait

a whole day to get a room,

but you're not gonna

send a doctor in?

Sir, please stop going off

on me.

I thought I was just

telling you to get to healing.

I'm not about

to lose my job over you.

I'm sorry.

I don't have it in me.

I get why you can't stand up

to bullies now.

You can't even send back

burnt pancakes,

ya burnt-pancake-eatin' b*tch.

Okay, damn.

Your dopey a*s ain't real.

That's why

you'll never read people.

I may be a Black drag queen in

a straight white man's world,

but at least I walk proud.

And now I'm walking out on you.

Great. You were my last hope.

Ain't no hope for you.

We get why everybody

hates you, Chris.

Hey, I may not know who I am,

but at least I don't base

my self-worth

on two lopsided boobies

and a horse wig.

And I'd take my chances as a DJ

over your chances as

a "choreographer"/singer/model

any day

b*tch.

all: Damn!

Mm! Finally!

Girl, you read me for filth.

You ripped me a new one

on purpose?

Every queen needs a push.

Except for me.

Never touch me.

Wow!

Bonjour.

Rochelle,

I've got a confession.

Is she white?

No. What?

No.

Tonya's sick.

- What?

She's fine,

but her tonsils are inflamed,

so we're at the hospital.

Hospital?

What'd the doctor say?

I can't get one to come in.

I tried bribery.

Uh, I went off on the nurse.

Why the hell

would you do that?

I was trying

to be like you.

But I'm charming

and beautiful.

You gotta work

with what you got.

I offered him

free garlic bread.

Hello?

My mom was willing

to get home

by any means necessary.

But I'll give you everything.

Tiny shampoos, tiny liquors,

an iron, a wall sconce.

Like I said, there are

no more buses until tomorrow.

And I don't like your tone.

You know, my friends

rented a limo.

We're headed in your direction,

and we all love tiny liquors.

So which one of youse

is getting hitched?

None of us.

We're all gettin' divorced.

Whoo!

What about you?

Oh, I'm happily married.

Then she bath-robed her way

into an all-female biker g*ng.

Rochelle,

you gonna help us fight?

Oh, hell no.

But you can take my iron.

Thanks.

I don't get it.

You spent

all that time with them,

and you didn't find out?

Greg, I wasn't gonna ask them

where they tuck it, okay?

Chris is on--

all: Welfare!

Chris is on--

all: Welfare.

And just like that,

my inner queen was ready

to face my bullies.

Your parents are so poor,

you're the only white family

that moves in

and home values plummet.

And you, you got

so many freckles,

if I played connect the dots,

you'd be in blackface.

Don't do me!

That's right.

You better run.

You just bullied the bullies!

Why does that

make me so aroused?

It's time

to turn the turntables.

Well, what about

your friends' party?

You wanna be

my hype boy or not?

Raise your hands in the air

like you just don't care!

Whoa, the lights are fixed.

The sink isn't leaking.

Who did this?

I did.

I'm too cheap to bribe

and I'm not charming enough

to go off,

but I do know how

to fix things.

Now I need you

to fix my daughter.

It's not a job,

it's a callin'.

And I answered the call.

A woman just came in, and

she's 9 centimeters dilated.

Follow me.

- Oh, snap.

Look, I'm not a doctor.

I just--

Doctor, it's triplets.

Hurry!

Hey.

all: h*.

Hey.

all: h*.

I got it from here.

You wanna DJ?

Go spin your head

in the toilet.

No.

- What did you say?

- Nothing.

Just it's a good thing

your hair is fiery red

so dudes know how

to stop, drop, and roll away

when they see you.

all: Ooh!

If this is what

Orphan Annie looked like,

I get why her parents left.

Oh, no, he didn't.

Wait.

I ain't done yet.

Ha! You look like Chucky's

less successful sibling,

Schmucky.

Oh, yes, he did!

When I say, "Katy's"

you say, "Trash."

Katy's--

all: Trash!

Katy's--

all: Trash!

Oh, I knew I shouldn't

have gone on that trip.

Where's the doctor?

Prepping

for Tonya's tonsillectomy.

She'll be okay.

There's a man bleeding out

from a g*nsh*t wound,

but the nurses insisted

I help Tonya first.

How'd you get them

to do that?

I worked with what I got--

work.

I was lovin'

my new bully-proof life,

and the crowd was lovin' me.

Damn, they're

really feelin' this.

Hey! Hey! Yeah!

- Chris, uh--

- What?

They're getting too into it.

They're gonna trample us.

- What?

- You're on your own!

Wave your hands in the air.

Please go back over there.

Aah!

This is for my sister.

Your sister?

Katy. Keep up.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you

sooner that Tonya was sick.

I'm just never on Dad duty.

I didn't wanna mess up

your trip the one time I was.

It's okay, baby.

I should've known you'd

have it all under control.

I didn't have it

under control at first.

You make it look so easy.

It's okay.

One time I left baby Chris

in the store

and brought home

a sweet potato.

Changed his diaper

and everything.

It's just being a parent.

And you're a great dad.

Thank you, baby.

So how's Chris?

I'm sure he's fine.

My baby's okay!

Oh, baby, no.

Chris isn't here.

Ooh, those drugs

are too strong.

Marcus?

How'd you know I was here?

I didn't. I work here.

If I knew you were here,

your Jell-O would be poisoned.

I'm sorry

I missed your party.

It was my first time

hosting a ball, and you bailed.

Do you know what happens

when gays don't dance?

Lights off, b*tches!

I just thought I finally

found a way to stop my bullies.

I read Katy to tears.

Tears?

That's too far.

Once you read her like a book,

you close the book, Mary.

If you go past that,

it makes you no better

than a bully yourself.

I promise not

to miss the next party.

There won't be

a next party for you.

But I will get you a doctor.

I'm actually doin' okay now.

Ow!

Doctor!

Drew?

Just act like

I'm helping you.

Helpin' me?

Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

Nah.

Can everyone gather

around, please?

This'll just take a second.

Listen, I'm a 16-year-old boy.

Oh, my God.

You finished medical school

by age 16?

It's incredible

you balance this job

with all the trials and

tribulations of being a teen.

No!

And I wanna call the show

"Doogie Howser, M.D."

We can make him white.

- Oh, yes.

- Oh!