01x13 - Everybody Still Hates Town Rivalries

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

- When I was 17, I felt like

I didn't belong anywhere.

I didn't belong at home.

[sighs]

Didn't belong

in my neighborhood.

- Have fun at

fancy school, nerd.

all: Bobby Brown High forever!

- [sighs]

And if I have to tell you

I didn't belong at school,

then you haven't watched

a damn second of this show.

Ow!

[groans]

But one person always made

me feel like I belong.

OK, two people.

[dings]

But my favorite was her.

She was my in

with everyone on the block.

Hey, Tasha.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Chris.

all: Hey, Chris.

- And the only other

person at school who didn't

belong suddenly belonged.

- Whoa.

You'll never guess

what happened--

I made the basketball team.

- You made the basketball team?

How?

You're bad at every sport.

[whistle blows]

- Whoa!

[groans]

[gasps]

Whoa!

[gurgles]

[exciting music]

♪

Ah!

[whimpers]

- How did this happen?

Did the gym explode with

the basketball team inside it?

- Even though the gym does

have a gassy smell, no.

Coach Thurman was watching

some kids beat me up,

but they never kicked my nuts

because I defended them.

So he thought I'd

make a good defender.

- I'm happy for

and jealous of you.

I've never really

been on a team.

- Well, you're in luck,

because there's one spot left.

- There is?

That "spot" was

for the towel boy.

Ugh!

That wasn't my first

jock strap to the face,

and it wouldn't be my last.

Ow, that's nasty.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪

- Drew, I'll give

you a dollar if you

slap yourself across the face.

- [grunts]

I would have done it for free.

- Rochelle, he's got to go!

[both gasp]

both: Drama.

- Who are you talking about?

- Let it be Chris, let it

be Chris, let it be Chris.

both: Stay out

of grown folks' business.

- But, Mama!

- Living room, now!

Rochelle, Mr. Omar

is 63 days, 17 hours,

and 42 minutes late with rent.

- We're not going

to kick the man out.

He's a good tenant.

We're like family.

- The only way

he's like family is

that he takes advantage of us.

He's gotta pay up or go.

- I love it when you're

stern and demanding.

- We're too poor for

me to be in the mood.

- Fine, we'll look

for a new tenant.

[both gasp]

- In the '80s,

budget cuts hit hard,

so our football coach

was forced into basketball.

- You fumbled the ball!

They're punting!

Small boy, tackle him!

- [pants, grunts]

- Damn it, small boy.

You got sacked.

- Now, that one actually works.

Greg, bring it in.

When you don't belong

anywhere,

you spend a lot of time

watching the Knicks

and imagining

they're your friends.

So I picked up a few things.

Remember, Greg,

stay low, box out--

and stop looking

at cheerleaders' boobs!

- [grunts]

[upbeat music]

- Good D, Greg!

- Hmm.

OK.

- Hello?

Anyone here?

[both scream]

- Miss Tonya, Mr. Drew,

I'm dead.

Tell your parents.

- Mr. Omar, you're the

best tenant we've ever had.

We want to help you

with your late rent.

- You're-- you're

giving me money?

[laughs]

- No, we're broke-a*s kids.

- Ugh.

I wish I could pay,

but it's not my fault.

It's that demon Fantasia--

owns that new

tacky funeral home.

That snake has taken

all my business.

I'm down to my last $100.

Now she's going after my

biggest client, the Casa

de Mentia Nursing Home.

If I lose them, I'm done.

- Did you say the De Mentia's?

Like, as in Diana de Mentia?

She said I was the best kisser

at Lamont Sanford Junior High.

- Ew.

[gasps]

Wait, that's it.

All we got to do is prove

to them your funeral home

is better than hers.

So what's Fantasia's

place like?

- Do you think I'd walk

in there and admit defeat?

The funeral director

community is small and vicious

with their gossip.

I got a reputation to uphold.

- Then it looks like we'll be

paying Fantasia a little visit.

- Uh, you're not

going to m*rder her--

- No!

I mean, we might.

I like having options.

- OK, we flyered

the whole neighborhood.

- Hopefully we'll get one

or two interested people.

[knocking, phone ringing]

- Hello?

You saw the flyer and were

very interested to apply?

[chatter]

- There's so many people!

- It's 'cause we're affordable.

All these white

people are moving in

and jacking up the rent.

- G*ntrification

ain't all bad.

[thumping, chatter]

[buzzer]

- OK, Fishes.

See you in the locker room.

Great win.

But we gotta make

more touchdowns.

- Uh, he means baskets.

- Wait a second, towel boy.

I want you to be

my assistant coach.

- For real?

- I don't get this game,

but you do.

Now, there's an all-city

tournament coming up,

and we could use you.

- Really?

OK.

All right.

- Still gotta handle

the jockstraps, though.

- Ah!

It's still warm.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Dang, Fantasia's

caskets are fly!

[sniffs] And I can't

smell dead booty at all.

- Ammonia.

It neutralizes

the stench of dead booty.

Welcome to Fantasia's Funerals.

What we getting after

in the afterlife?

- My name is Esmeralda

St. James Santiago-Brown,

and my brother--

- Esmeral-- do.

- and I are looking

to find our sweet

grandma's final resting place.

We'd love to speak

to the owner.

- That's me, and I'd

be happy to help.

- You're Fantasia?

[bell clangs]

- Baby, you need to grieve?

I got a sleeve--

to cry on.

Tears only, no snot.

This blouse cost a G.

both: Wow.

- Feel free to look around.

I'm available 24/7 hours a day,

and if you have questions,

you can call me

on my mobile phone.

both: Whoa.

[door clicks]

- Please excuse me.

- [crying]

- Mr. Omar's doomed.

- No, it just means we're going

to need to bring our A-game.

- Welcome to the first round

of the all-city tournament.

Be aware of the downs,

and be tough in the end zone.

[confused murmuring]

- He means, let's take shots

early in the possession

and be on top of the boards.

Rebounds win games.

- Also, the Black kid

is now the assistant coach.

Fishes on three.

Here we go.

[together]

One, two, three, Fishes!

♪

- Tewuliger, post up!

- [grunting]

- [grunts]

[cheering]

[buzzer]

- Good game, Chris.

♪

- Tewuliger, steal the ball!

♪

[buzzer, cheering]

♪

- Nice job, Coach.

- [chuckles]

I'll see you later.

JJ, take it to the hole!

He can't hold you!

- [grunting] Yeah!

[buzzer, cheering]

- Hey, assistant coach,

you want this old thing?

- Whoa!

[cameras flashing, chatter]

- Chris, love

the Letterman jacket.

Who are you wearing?

- Some white guy

from the class of 1923.

Uh, you with the combover.

- And which of these

loose cheerleaders

is going to prom with you?

- [giggles]

- All of them.

[chatter, cameras flashing]

With that jacket, I finally

felt like I belonged.

Even if the previous owner

apparently died in it.

♪

- Thanks for applying.

Bye-bye.

- She was great.

- What?

She was terrible.

Did you see that coffee

stain on her resume?

Raggedy.

Did you see those

wrinkles on her skirt?

Raggedy.

And did you see her

raggedy-a*s boobs?

- Uh, she had boobs?

- Right answer.

But they were raggedy, too.

I could tell.

Her earrings raggedy,

her socks raggedy--

- [sighs]

♪

- Hey, Tasha.

Notice anything

different about me?

- I do.

Little dude from across the

street acting like he's

little dude from

across the town.

Walking all proud in that

white school's jacket.

I'd ask to hold

your Black pride,

but apparently you

ain't got none.

all: Ooh!

- We ought to be

calling you Air Jordan 3's

'cause you sold out.

all: Ooh!

- Guys, it's not like that.

It's just a jacket.

Tasha, tell them.

Isn't it the good Christian

thing to love thy enemy?

- Chris, there's

love of Christ,

and then there's basketball.

- [laughs] Sike!

This isn't my jacket.

I, uh, stole it.

The owner's probably looking

for it like, oh, I'm white.

I'm so cold without my

stupid soft, leathery jacket.

- You stole it, huh?

- Yep.

Definitely stole it.

Good luck finding your

jacket now, "Smalldick."

[laughs nervously]

- It's badass to steal

from a rich white kid.

Hey, Tasha, your loser friend

might be all right after all.

- Nah, man, I ain't

holding your dollar.

[tense music]

♪

- [humming]

- Chris, why are you so happy?

- No reason.

- Daddy, Chris was

trying to hide this.

- Who did you steal

this jacket from?

- It's mine.

I'm the assistant

basketball coach now.

- [squeals]

Son, I always thought

you had zero athletic ability.

But here you are,

part of a team.

I'm so proud.

- Julius, as my teammate,

can you be home early to meet

the rest of these tenants?

We need a new one by next week.

- You're replacing

Mr. Omar that quick?

- Yeah, but it

don't concern you,

so stay out of grown

folks' business.

- We will, Mama.

[whispering] We gotta tell

Mr. Omar doomsday's coming.

[upbeat music]

- Yo, Chris.

- There's my favorite loser.

- Wearing the jacket at school

and hiding it on the block,

I was kind of like

the Black Donnie Brasco--

Donnie Black-o.

And living a double

life was easy.

- Dude, did you hear?

The championship game

was just announced.

We're playing the Bobby

Brown High Prerogatives!

Everyone's going to be there.

They're calling it

the Battle of Brooklyn.

- Bobby Brown?

Son of a b*tch.

- That's what my mom calls me.

Oh, I don't take it personal.

She does not like my dad.

both: Mr. Omar!

Mr. Omar!

- Oh.

Uh, be with you in

a minute, sweetheart.

- We went to see Fantasia.

She's great!

Personable, organized,

very modern.

- And she gave us

casket-shaped lollies.

- [sighs] I should just

be like my customers

and accept that I'm dead meat.

- Yeah. Ow!

- No!

You're the least creepy

tenant we've ever had,

and you work with dead people.

We need to come up

with plan B, OK?

What else do you know about

Diana de Mentia's family?

Think hard.

- Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm.

- Come on, Drew.

- I don't know much.

I just kissed her.

You know what?

Ask her yourself at

the game tomorrow.

Her family loves basketball.

They'll definitely be there.

- That's it!

Mr. Omar, let us

do an advertisement

during halftime that highlights

the ways you're better.

- I don't think that's the

best use of my last $100.

- Who was the halftime show

at the last Super Bowl?

- Up with the People.

Oh, and they dedicated the show

to Martin Luther King Jr.

- And who played in the game?

Exactly.

- Whoa.

- See you tomorrow, Mr. Omar.

- Well, if that doesn't work,

it'll be on to plan C--

burn this mother down

for the insurance money.

- Maybe I could

coach but also hide

my face with a mask or a hood.

- [bleep],

you trying to be the KKK?

You can't pick these white kids

who hate you over your homies

who tolerate you, barely.

- I know.

I should side with

the Bobby Brown kids.

- Damn straight I'm right.

This [bleep] crazy.

- [laughs] Well, well, well.

If it isn't Tattaglia's

assistant crotch.

- Hey, leave him alone!

He's with us.

- Don't worry,

I won't hit his brain.

Just his stomach.

- You're not

hitting any of him!

- [snarls, scoffs]

- Uh, thanks, JJ.

- No, thank you.

And you know what?

Today, you don't have to

hand-wash my jockstrap.

You can put it in the machine.

[squelching]

- [whispering] Sorry.

- Thanks for applying.

Bye-bye.

- He was great.

- What?

Did you see that

man's fingernails?

- No.

- If there's one thing

I know in this life,

it's that people with dirty

fingernails clog toilets.

- [sighs] What are we

going to do, Julius?

We met all the applicants,

and no one's a fit.

We need that monthly check.

- Maybe we should

burn this mother

down for the insurance money.

[bell rings]

[chatter]

[whistle blows]

- All right,

fellas, take a knee.

Even though feelings are

for girls on their periods,

I just want to

say I'm glad Chris

is helping coach when the

eyes of the whole borough

are upon us.

Good boy.

All right, now get

out there to warm up.

- I had to stand with my

school or stand with my block,

so I did the only thing a man

could do in this situation--

I got the [bleep] out!

[upbeat music]

♪

- That's Diana.

- Ugh.

Obviously.

- Chris, what play

should we run first?

Chris?

You, horny loser--

where's your friend?

- [uncertain mumble]

[cheering]

- [grunts]

- Go get the ball,

you knucklehead!

- [grunts]

- Get in pass formation.

- What?

Ow!

- Ugh!

This is when the Black kid says

stuff, and then you get it.

- Coach Thurman

told me to sh**t.

- Well, Coach Chris

always tells me to sh**t.

[cheering]

- [grunts]

- Hey, tall kid who

holds the ball a lot.

Try to score a

touchdown, will you?

- What?

- [grunts]

- Ah, damn it.

We need the Black kid.

[crowd booing]

- That's halftime, and the

Fishes are floundering.

- Where are you two going?

- Bathroom!

- Concession stand!

- Hmm.

Well, bring me

back some popcorn.

And let us know

if you see Chris,

or if this whole

coaching thing is a lie

and I have to whoop him.

- Craig, where

the hell is Chris?

- It's Greg.

And maybe he had

diarrhea from stress.

I know I did.

- Ew!

- Ugh!

[buzzer]

- That buzzer means

halftime, but before we

get to our halftime

show featuring

the Fishes dance team,

we have a word from one

of tonight's sponsors--

Bed-Stuy Goodbye

Funeral Services.

[melancholy music]

- [crying] Oh, woe!

I'm so sad my brother died

in a horrible accident.

Why?

But Bed-Stuy Goodbye Funeral

Services brought me comfort.

And because Mr. Omar is

a small business owner,

he always gives a

dedicated personal touch.

- And he's a skilled

makeup artist.

You'd never know I died

from acid to the face.

[impressed murmurs, applause]

- No widow left

behind, especially

if she got a good behind.

- Mr. Omar, where's my money?

- I'm not Mr. Omar,

I'm someone else.

- [sighs]

- Chris?

[mysterious music]

I'll be right back.

What the hell are you

doing here, hiding

under all these white people?

I thought you were

assistant coaching.

- I am.

But when the Bed-Stuy

kids found out,

they said I was a traitor.

I didn't want them to

hate me, but I also

didn't want to give up

the only good thing

that's happened to me here.

[sighs]

You wouldn't understand.

- Actually, I would.

Before I had kids, there

was something else that I

loved with all of my heart.

- Dad?

- Don't interrupt.

And no-- smoking.

- Back then, they thought

cigarettes were vegan.

- I used to love

my Menthol Blasters,

but during a shortage when

they ran out of pesticides,

I had to switch

to Adam's Wife,

the white woman's cigarettes.

I felt bad

for liking them more,

but you couldn't

beat that buzz.

Mm.

They save all the good

stuff for white people.

It was a hard choice.

But in the end,

I did what I wanted.

You gotta live

for yourself, baby.

Do that and you'll belong

where you're meant to.

both: Ugh!

- Come on!

[soft music]

♪

- My mom was right.

I had to decide.

What do I want?

♪

[breathes deeply]

[cheering]

- Where were you?

- I had diarrhea.

- [laughs]

Upset tummy buddies for life!

- I actually did

have diarrhea,

but that wasn't the point.

I wanted to coach.

[buzzer, cheering]

It's all you, JJ.

[dramatic music]

[cheering]

- Over here!

- Greg, steal the ball.

- [pants, grunts]

♪

- Yeah!

Good D, Greg!

- [grunts]

- Punt the ball!

- He means outlet it to JJ!

♪

[cheering]

- How do you say time

out in basketball?

all: Time out.

- Oh, OK.

Time out!

[whistle blows]

- What the hell was that?

- And how much did it cost?

- It was Drew's idea.

- What?

When have I ever been

someone who has ideas?

- Relax.

Mr. Omar can stay.

It's clear you

two care about him

enough to do whatever

that was out there.

- Well, you guys

clearly like him too,

since you couldn't

find a single person

to take over his apartment.

- Maybe we do, but I like

being paid on time more.

- So you guys aren't mad at us?

- Of course we're mad.

This is why you stay out

of grown folks' business.

Poor Mr. Omar.

- What about me?

- Mr. Omar, we're sorry

about Drew and Tonya

meddling in your business.

If you need more

time on rent, then--

- No need, Mr. Julius.

Here's last month

and next month in advance.

My business has

risen from the dead.

- So you made a deal

with the De Mentias?

- Actually, they're

going with Fantasia.

That snake offered

them half off.

Tragic, tragic!

But turns out these

rich white parents

are easily impressed

with halftime shows,

and lucky for me,

cocaine is ripping

through their community.

They're snorting themselves

into an early grave.

[laughing]

[soft music]

- Mwah.

- [chuckles]

You're welcome, Mom and Dad.

- Wow.

Maybe we should get into

grown folks' business.

- You'll both be getting

the business if you ever

pull a stunt like this again.

both: Yes, Mom and Dad.

- We have the ball with 19

seconds, and we're down by one.

I got nothing.

- I've been working on this

play, but it's a little crazy.

Do you guys trust me?

OK.

[soft music]

♪

- Chris is k*lling it.

Good job, Coach Chris!

♪

- It is pretty cool that that

loser's coaching and telling

those white kids what to do.

- I hold his dollars.

- My mom was right again.

Living for myself was the one

thing people on both sides

of this town could respect.

- OK, let's see

this play in action.

[whistle blows]

[police siren wailing]

- Well, Chris, you did it.

Your play actually

made the gym explode

with the basketball team in it.

- There he is!

Let's get him!

- You're dead, fool!

[both screaming]

- Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

[upbeat music]

♪