01x15 - Everybody Still Hates Hell

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- When I was growing up,

there weren't

a lot of guys

in the neighborhood

I could look up to.

Eh.

Until I met Jamil.

He was the perfect role model.

He lived a few blocks down.

And my whole childhood,

I could go

to the big homie for anything.

Jamil, how do I build this car?

- Put the front

and the back together,

and, bam, you got a car.

[engine revs]

- Jamil, how do

I make pancakes?

- Put the eggs

and the flour together,

and, bam, you got pancakes.

[ding]

- Jamil, how are babies made?

- Put the guy and

the girl together,

and, bam, you got a baby.

- Oh, yeah.

- And even after

joining the Army,

I still could count on him.

He protected my freedoms

abroad and at home.

I couldn't wait

to welcome Jamil back

from his latest tour of duty.

[laughter]

[grunts]

- Chris!

Sorry the party's so crowded.

- I get it.

You gotta make your fans happy.

- [laughs]

How about this?

Let's catch up tomorrow.

Hot dogs on me.

- For real?

- Yeah, man.

It'll be nice to have

real hot dogs again.

The ones the Army fed us

were called freedom wieners.

Ugh!

[upbeat music playing]

[crickets chirping]

- [sighs]

- Chris, we have

some bad news, baby.

- If you're splitting up,

I'll live

with whoever don't have Tonya.

[chuckles]

- Chris, your friend

Jamil got shot tonight.

- What?

- Some hoodlums

crashed his party,

and Jamil tried to

make them leave.

And, well, he's gone.

- Don't make no g*dd*mn sense.

That was a good kid.

- But we were going

to get hot dogs.

[somber music]

♪

- [crying]

♪

- We're here to

pay our respects

to our fallen hero, Jamil.

That young man was as good

as a Christian as they come.

And if we're being honest,

we all can't

say that about ourselves.

Praise God.

- There's something

about facing death

that makes a pastor's words

go right into your head.

- Lord knows when I was Jamil's

age, I struggled with dope--

- The devil's medicine.

- dice--

- The devil's cubes.

- and angel food cake.

- Ah, Lord!

The devil's cake.

- I know that's right.

- But my hardest trial was

my lust for the ladies.

I just couldn't keep

my mind off of them.

Or my hands.

[laughter]

- Mm-hmm.

- It was only with God's

grace and the mercy

that I found salvation, the

same salvation Jamil has now.

He lived his life right,

which is what

we all going to have to do if

we want to meet up with him

again in heaven.

[ethereal music]

♪

But if you a sinner

like I was--

- [giggles]

- you'll end up in the

fiery pits of hell!

[echoing]

- [screaming]

[dramatic music]

♪

- Oh, man, the devil is down

with affirmative action.

This really is hell.

Oh, speak of the devil.

[choir vocalizing]

♪

- Ooh.

I'm telling Daddy

you're in hell.

- Ah! No, no!

I realized if I didn't make

an effort to live like Jamil,

I was on

a direct path to hell.

And I've always been more

of a cold weather person.

- That was

a beautiful homegoing.

I wouldn't mind a fancy

funeral like that when I die.

We got to hire Esther Rolle to

sit in the front row and yell,

damn, damn, damn!

- I want a hundred doves

released at mine.

But try to get

doves with a missing

foot or a wing for a discount.

- Baby, you can have all the

bird parts with that platinum

life insurance you got us.

- Mm. Uh-huh.

Life insurance. Yep.

- You did get it, right?

Like I asked you to?

Because if you didn't

and you died tomorrow,

the kids and I will

be left with nothing.

- Baby, I'm not going to die.

- Don't be so sure.

- I got it, Rochelle.

I'll show you the policy

when we get home.

- Man, life is short.

We don't have a lot of time

to make our mark on the world.

- Tell me about it.

If I died today, everyone

would remember me as Trina's

understudy in "The Wiz."

- She only got lead because

her mom's the drama teacher.

You gotta do

something about it.

Don't let Trina

take your shine.

- Drew, that's actually smart.

- Thanks.

Wait, that felt like an insult.

- Uh, it wasn't.

- Oh, good.

Well, now that Jamil's gone,

someone's gotta step up.

That can be my legacy,

helping people.

And I know just how to do it.

- I can't believe Jamil died.

- I know.

One second he's doing

the cabbage patch,

the next he's gone.

- [sighs] I'm so sorry, Chris.

- My heart hurt, but my

hormones didn't give a damn.

- You shouldn't be

looking down here.

I'll see you in hell, Chris.

- Wait.

You'll be in hell?

- You know what I mean.

- [gulps] Tasha, I want to

go to heaven like Jamil.

Do you think you could teach

me how to avoid God's burning

wrath of eternal damnation?

- I don't think I can

help anyone right now.

Maybe you should go

talk to Pastor Percy.

- Like, one on one?

I don't know.

I never done that before.

[chuckles]

- Hell!

- Well, where's the policy?

- Nowhere, which was a shame

because he'd need

life insurance

when my mom found out.

- Uh, it's here.

Here, life insurance,

life insurance, life insurance.

Here, life insurance, life

insurance, life insurance.

- It's me,

the Light-Skinned Panther,

here to help you

find the one thing

that keeps us from poverty

upon your premature death.

First, I'll look under

the bed, where you keep

"Blacktail" magazines, citizen.

- Boy, I'm going to--

- Just admit it, Julius.

You didn't get

the damn life insurance.

- I know, Rochelle.

I didn't get it.

- Aha!

We didn't find the insurance,

but we found the truth.

- You see?

That boy can't take

care of himself.

- I'm sorry.

I don't know how I forgot

to take care of something

so important.

- Oh, baby,

it ain't all on you.

I asked you to get it

right after Tonya was born,

and I knew you were

going to forget to get

it when I told you to get it.

So I meant to tell

myself to get it,

but then I forgot

to get it, too.

- They were suffering from

a clinical condition called

cute babies destroy lives.

- I'll call the

insurance company

and make an appointment, OK?

- I'll help you dial.

- Get out of here!

[tense music]

- Time for the understudy

to become the overstudy.

♪

Oh, hey, Trina.

Just admiring

your cool backpack.

- Oh, thank you.

♪

- My name is Dorothy,

and I'm trying

to get to the mall to buy

some g*dd*mn leg warmers.

I heard there was

a sale on them b*tches.

[all gasp]

- My word.

Trina swore, and she

changed the script?

Text is sacred.

- You gave Dorothy

so much more edge.

Bravo, Trina.

Mommy's inspired.

[applause]

[somber organ music]

- So you want to get

right with the Lord?

- Yes, Pastor.

I just really want to

go to heaven like Jamil.

- All you have to do is walk

the path of Jesus.

Be less Chris and more Christ.

Follow his example.

See, he turned the other cheek.

He wasn't afraid to get down

on one knee to serve others.

He avoided temptation.

You know what, take this.

- This is a lot to read.

Jesus didn't care

about trees, did he?

- Your afternoon

lemon soda, Pastor.

- Appreciate that,

Sister Johnson.

Chris, my door is always open.

I believe in you.

- Hey, Chris.

Let's lose our

virginities together.

- Uh--

[chuckles nervously]

Changing the

script didn't work,

so Tonya took it up

a notch and went Atlanta

housewife on her, NeNe style.

- Mommy, mo-mommy ♪

Mommy ♪

Ah!

- Oh, no.

Are you OK?

- I'm good.

I used my bubble skirt as a

parachute and floated down.

- Falling with grace.

- Impressive.

- That's why she's the lead.

- [groans]

[heavy metal music]

- 'Sup LL Fool J.?

- I present you with my other

cheek, my brother in Christ.

- Wait, you like God, too?

- I don't like him.

I love him.

- I love him.

God is so dope.

He'll be back.

- Yes, he will be back.

Hallelujah.

[percussion music]

[panting]

- You're late.

Give me 20 push-ups. Ah!

My feet are k*lling me.

What the hell are you doing?

- Getting down on

my knees to help,

like my Lord and savior would.

- All right,

all right, that's enough.

That's enough.

Let go.

Oh.

Well, that's nice.

I'm in heaven.

- And I will be, too.

- [grunts]

♪

- You look ridiculous,

and yet I forgive you.

- Aw.

Thanks, man.

- Your mama's cornbread

is dry as hell.

- At least I got

a mama who makes

real cornbread instead of

your muffin-mix-makin' mama.

- Lover's quarrel?

I'm here to mend

your loving bond.

- Boy, shut up!

- Aha!

You agree on something.

I did it again.

You're welcome.

Do you need help

with anything, citizen?

- [groans]

[soft music]

Yeah, but not from you.

I need to go see Pastor Percy.

- All right, just

a few more questions.

Do either of you

smoke cigarettes?

- Uh, will this answer affect

the cost of our insurance plan?

- Oh, most definitely.

- [groans]

Cigarettes?

Never heard of them.

- Good, good.

And have either of you ever

had lifestyle diseases?

Say, for example, gout?

- [groans]

Nope.

I hate eating delicious,

succulent organ meats.

- Excellent.

And just one last thing.

I assume I should just put down

"Afro-American" for your race.

- Oh. No.

We both just have

really good tans.

- Yes.

We're Caucasian.

This is just from getting

stuck in a tanning bed.

- High risk for skin cancer.

But your rates will still

be lower than if you

said you were Black.

OK.

My office will

crunch these numbers.

You'll get a quote soon.

Given your excellent

answers, I think

you'll be in our lowest tier.

- We did it, baby!

- [grunts]

OK.

We need to get that

life insurance ASAP.

[percussion music]

- Whatchu doin'?

- Oh, just putting

in my eye drops

so I could fake-cry on stage.

It's hard to cry when

your insides feel

like a gentle sunrise,

you know?

- That's nice.

[shudders]

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

It's just-- I was thinking

about going to a movie casting

call in Manhattan,

but I don't think I have,

uh, star potential.

- I have star potential.

I'm literally

the star of this musical.

- Here's the address.

My time to shine.

- Yes, lusting after

the ladies is difficult,

especially when the Lord

has bestoweth puberty

on you so very hard.

- Please, Pastor,

you've got to help me.

- Son, I see myself in you.

That's how I know

you can do this.

Every time I lusted,

I just shared the teachings

of the good book.

And before I knew it, I was

a pastor and talking like this.

- OK, I could do that

and a-talk like this-a.

- No. You gotta earn the voice.

♪

- Attention, everyone.

As Trina is so

carelessly absent

and clearly chose

something selfish

to do rather than commit

fully to this play,

it is my duty as understudy to

step into the role of Dorothy.

And I accept.

From the top.

- Quick, turn on

the TV, channel 9.

[dramatic music]

- Apparently, our hero was

on her way to an audition

when she saw R&B

music sensation

"El DeBurger" choking

on a kebab.

She bravely gave him

the Heimlich maneuver

and mouth-to-mouth

resuscitation for some reason,

saving his life.

- Rick, the best thing

about it is I got

a kiss and some free kebab.

- She got to kiss El DeBarge?

- I know we have

a never-miss-rehearsal rule,

but I'm going

to make an exception

because of Trina's heroism.

Tonya, you're back

to understudy.

And please make sure everyone

knows CPR, just in case.

- You can start with me.

[chuckles]

- [groans]

- Drew, you didn't

need to escort me home.

Or do it wearing

that stupid outfit.

My day's been bad

enough already.

- Who is this

Drew you speak of?

- Please walk

10 feet behind me.

- Whoa.

Ducky has pinkeye.

Careful, ma'am.

It's super contagious.

- Contagious?

Hmm.

I'll take that.

Thanks Light-Skinned Panther.

- For what?

I mean, of course, citizen.

- 10 feet, Drew.

[laughs]

- What are you doing?

- Giving Trina pinkeye so

I can star in the musical.

- Tonya, Tonya, Tonya.

I know of a certain

Jewish man who would

be very disappointed in you.

- Dad's optometrist,

Dr. Goldfarb?

- No. Jesus.

If you look deep

in your sinner's heart,

you'll see the path to heaven

is paved with good deeds,

not eye drops laced with fart.

Hell is hot, Sister Tonya.

Besides, everyone knows

El DeBarge is going to heaven.

- Hmm.

Ugh, fine.

- I was on a holy roll.

If I could save the devil

herself, I could save anybody.

- [crying]

- Tasha.

Are you OK?

- This whole Jamil

thing is making

me think about everything

I haven't experienced yet.

- Like what?

- I've been so

busy with church,

the only new songs

I've heard are hymns.

I haven't even seen

"Three Men and a Baby."

- Well, the title

pretty much tells you

everything you need to know.

- [giggles]

- Can I pray for you?

Lord, please help

my friend feel better.

Help this daughter

of Christ go back

to being the happy, caring

person she's always been.

[record scratch]

[romantic music]

- Life is short.

- Amen.

- I don't want to die before

experiencing everything.

- [gulps] Everything?

- Do you want to come inside?

My mom's out pickpocketing

in Times Square.

- Uh.

I need you fellas-a

to stand down.

- Man, I wish we lived

inside Wilt Chamberlain.

- Come on, Chris.

Let's go inside.

- I can't.

We have to wait.

- But--

- Tasha, no.

Sex is for the

sanctity of marriage.

I refuse to put my

hands on your flesh.

- Oh.

So this is what it

feels like to be you.

- I did it.

I abstained from

passions of the flesh.

I gotta go tell Pastor Percy.

[upbeat music]

♪

Excuse me, but is

the pastor here?

I have some good news to share.

- [coughs] I need water.

- [coughs]

[gasps]

- Ha!

Oh, Chris.

Uh, the thing about

Jesus is that--

[coughs]

God damn.

Uh, he also kept secrets.

So run on home and don't

tell nobody what you saw, OK?

- [coughs] I wish I

didn't see what I saw.

That night, as I was

thinking about all that

happened with my friend,

my pastor, and my crush,

I had a visitor.

- Hey, Chris.

- Jamil?

But-- but how are you--

do I have a contact high?

- Seems like you

needed me, so I snuck

out of heaven to come say hey.

- So there really is a heaven.

- Don't worry

about the afterlife.

You shouldn't spend your entire

life on Earth trying to prepare

for what comes next.

Just wake up every day and try

to be the best that you can be.

- I don't even know

what that means anymore.

I tried to stop lusting

after the ladies,

but then I saw Pastor Percy.

- I know.

I saw it too.

Gave me more PTSD than

those freedom wieners.

[shudders]

Look, just do what

feels right in your heart

and live every moment

to its fullest.

- But that would mean

hooking up with Tasha.

And I thought the Lord

frowned on premarital sex.

- He's not fond of it.

But he made you,

and he made big asses.

So he's pretty understanding

about your fixation with booty.

- Thanks, Jamil.

[slime squelching]

- Oop.

My bad.

I gotta remember to

stop sliming people.

- Oh, man.

[laughter]

[school bell ringing]

My Christian a*s had actually

gotten through to Tonya,

so she tried to make

up for her sins.

- Hello, Trina.

Here's some flowers

for the star of the show.

- Aw.

You didn't need to do this.

[sniffs] Thank you.

I love them.

[bee buzzing]

[choking]

- Help!

Trina swallowed a bee!

- [gasping]

- Stay calm, baby.

We'll make sure you're OK.

Tonya, go get ready.

You're Dorothy.

- I feel rewarded

for doing the right thing.

[upbeat music]

- Get up, Julius.

- Ah!

- The quote from the insurance

company just arrived.

- Open it already.

- Oh, my God.

We're in the lowest

rate category.

- And it's still too expensive.

We can't afford it.

[groans]

- Well, I guess we have no

choice but to live forever.

- No, Rochelle.

We're both going to die.

- But how, baby?

We can't afford to.

[gasps] All this time you've

been hiding drug money?

Two jobs, my a*s.

- This is a signed,

mint-condition

Willie Mays card.

We can sell it now to pay for

the insurance or after I die.

It should put food on the

table for you, Tonya, and Drew.

Chris is old enough

to buy his own food.

- You would really sell your

most prized possession for us?

- This thing ain't my

most prized possession.

My family is.

- Mmm.

- Goodbye, Willie.

I loved you like I

loved my own son, Drew.

And I guess Chris.

♪

- Hey, Chris.

I was just about to come

by your place to see you.

- You were?

- Yes.

I kept thinking about

what you said yesterday.

- Me, too.

- And I wanted to thank

you for being a gentleman

when I was in

such a dark place.

- My pleasure.

So it seems like you're

better now, so should we--

- Thank you for being

a role model, Chris.

You not giving in

to temptation inspired

me to re-embrace

my faith and not do

seriously freaky

things with you.

- No.

- Yeah, I was all ready to go

into my mom's stripper stuff.

But thanks to you, not anymore.

- Damn it.

[sighs]

I can't take this.

Somebody cue the

g*dd*mn theme song!

- Everybody still

hates Chris, oh ♪

- Batman lost his parents.

Spider-Man lost Uncle Ben.

And Bed-Stuy lost Jamil.

From the ashes rises me,

Light-Skinned Panther,

ready to face whatever comes

as I fly into the night.

- Boy, if you jump off that

window, I'll smack you so hard,

your face and butt

will switch places.

And get rid

of that damn costume!

- Yeah, OK.

You're right.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪