02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

Football is so much better
now that fans are back in stadiums.

Yeah, it reminds you what football
is really about, man.

Oi, Foden, f*ck off back to
the hair salon, you peroxide prick!

Dye your hair with this!

It's my piss!

ALL LAUGH DERISIVELY

Their passion is so inspiring.

Ey! Oi!
You're wasting food!

Can't wait to play away from home.

CHICKEN SQUAWKS

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

Righty-o, chaps!
New parliamentary term starts today.

Let's get cracking.

There. Bubble done.
Now, next on the agenda.

We need to reform social care
for the elderly.

"Care"?
What does that mean? Is it a place?

Do you mean "Care-os"?

I think it's near Mykonos.
Not that I've just been there.

Look, the elderly have worked hard,
they deserve dignity,

and, most important,
they vote Tory.

So, let's give the grannies,
oh, 12 billion quid?

How are we gonna pay for that?

Well, how did we pay
for all the COVID stuff?

Don't really know.
Was it clapping?

This time, I'm putting my foot down.

We're going to pay for this
with a tax rise!

But let's call it something else.

National Insurance?

I was thinking something
more like "Kindness, by Rishi".

Sounds like a perfume.
It's that too.

Oh! Liquid kindness!

RETCHES
I'm meltin'!

Hold on, Rishi.
Who exactly is gonna pay this tax?

Everybody.
It's only £200 per taxpayer.

Just a bottle of Chateau Lafitte.

What?!

Look, we can't tax us,
it's stupid to tax old people,

and we can't go near billionaires.

They're job creators...
for us, after we get out of here.

Fair enough.
Hmm, hmm.

What about taxin'... the young?

The sweet, delicious young.

Perfect! They don't vote for us.

And if they don't like it,
what are they gonna do? Cancel us?

Throw our statues in the river?

That's true!
Hear, hear!

MIMICS TECHNO BEAT
Stop right there!

Unh!

Gove!
Don't tell me you're still clubbing.

Unh, unh, unh!
I speak for the young.

They have hopes, dreams,
phat beats, huge bumps of ket.

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

They're honest, decent...

they accepted me
when I was lonely, bereft of love...

Oh, man, I'm coming down!

You all right, Govey?
Perfectly fine, Prime Minister.

f*ck the young.
They're lazy and their music's crap.

Excellent! Then onto item
number three on the agenda.

More bubbles!

ALL CHEER

Bubbles! Yay!

Mr President,
I must speak out for my sisters!

A barbaric, archaic regime
just rolled in

and took away decades
of women's rights.

You can't move for armed militants

reciting holy passages
and sh**ting g*ns in the air!

There are women trying to get on
planes to get out of there

before it's too late!

I told you, Afghanistan
is not my problem any more.

Who said Afghanistan?

I'm talking about
the Texan ab*rtion Bill.

Oh. Got it.
But that's not my problem either.

Kamala!

Which camera am I looking at?

Oh. Sure, cool.

SQUEAKS

I had no idea
I would catch on like this.

He had a knack of working everyone
into a fever.

Take as long as you like, babycakes.
Num-num-num-num-num-num-num!

Corony was tremendous.
He came to all of my rallies.

Corony!
RETCHES

I took a leap, and it paid off.

I was a young microbe back then,

playing to small crowds
in wet markets.

Oh, sure, those wet markets
were a breeding ground for talent,

but it was all swine-flu this,
and bird-flu that.

No-one had done bat to human!

Suddenly, I was on the move!
I was catching!

I was on tour.

First Italy,
then I hit the cruise ship circuit.

The oldies loved me.

I was everywhere.
Me, a little microbe from Wuhan!

To be a good lawyer, you've just
gotta follow a few simple rules.

Never let them see you sweat.

Keep your hands out of your pants.
Don't butt-dial your phone.

Know the difference
between a five-star hotel

and a gardening centre.

Assume the camera's always rolling
and every mic is hot.

What the f*ck? Are we still rolling?

Oh, sh*t.

I'm Rudy Giuliani
and this is my masterclass.

FARTS

I was a hit in Europe and Asia,

but I was nervous
about breaking into America.

But, boy, the Yanks couldn't get
enough of me.

I got a personal tour
in Trump's motorcade...

You're a great virus. A lot of
people are saying that, by the way.

..and a meet-and-greet
with his staff.

RETCHES

I'm the biggest guy in town,

but that dude knocked me for six.

MUFFLED VOICE: Hey!

He was really into me too.
Why don't I get an interview?

Why can I never do this sh*t alone?
Argh!

The thing about being
a global pandemic,

there are a lot of haters.

He wasn't authentic like me.
He was manufactured!

Made in a lab.
SNORTS

I was down with the pigs.

I ain't gonna lie,
there were a lot of drugs around.

Cheers, fellas!
To my very good health!

Whoa, did you spike that bleach,
Corony?

I was partying pretty hard.
Maybe too hard.

Then... the drugs started
to catch up with me.

I thought it was the end.

I had to reinvent myself.

Then it hit me... variants!

I started to travel again.

Brazil...

South Africa...

Kent.

You ain't seen the back of me yet.

I've still got a couple of surprises
up my sleeve.

COUGHS, RETCHES

See you on my never-ending
farewell tour!

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: 'The dolphin,
high-strung ballerina of the deep.

'One of nature's most beautiful
sights...'



and guess what animal
has never been on once.

Naked mole rats.

Why don't you ever film us,
you velvet-voiced BLEEP?!

Oh, no, it's always,

"Graceful lions, majestic whales."

You know what's majestic?

The wrinkles
on this scrotum with teeth.

NOISY KISSING

We know why people watch
nature shows.

To see animals have sex.

We love to do it on camera!

Oh, yeah, come on, honey!

Yeah, yeah, oh, oh!
SHE SQUEAKS

Film this,
you whispering eco- BLEEP!

HE GRUNTS,
SHE SQUEAKS

Welcome, all.

I declare this meeting of the
Santa Barbara Neighbourhood Council

officially...
# ..o-pen! #

Oh!

That's going to cost you, Ellen!
I only have 500 pairs like these.

Why are you even here?

You don't own a house
in Santa Barbara any more.

I'm still angry about the tree
you planted in front of my view.

I flew all the way from Majorca
to have it torn down.

I flew a jetpack a thousand miles
to get here today

and my a*s is still smoking.

I don't regret any of it.

Today, we have a petition

from the newest residents
of Santa Barbara...

Meghan and Harry.

Wow, look at all this
Hollywood royalty!

It's so funny. I'm Hollywood royalty
and I'm real royalty.

I'm a double royal!

And I'm the cheese
on that double McRoyale!

LAUGHS

Oh, great, they're not gonna be
exhausting at all [!]

Harry, Meghan, you've applied
to bypass neighbourhood rules.

Mm-hm. Our house has a chicken coop.

We ask permission to double its size
and add four more chickens.

That is a hell of a lot of eggs,
man.

What are you doing
with all those eggs?

Yoni eggs are wonderful.

There's a new record.

It only took her three minutes
to get us thinking about her vag*na.

We want to show people
how easy it is

to live an Earth-friendly,
locally-sourced lifestyle.

In a $30 million mansion.

And we're not gonna impress people
with four damn chickens.

Hey, princess, the rest of us
actually achieved something

to earn a house in Santa Barbara.

What entitles you
to a bigger chicken coop?

We've got a Netflix deal.

Yeah. We use those for toilet paper.

Everyone on this council
is a celebrity of stature.

Damn straight!

Ah!

CHUCKLES

COD-RUSSIAN MUSIC

Mr President, we have found a way
to hack into the US power grid.

Millions of businesses
will be plunged into darkness

and all air traffic
will be grounded.

Will anyone be poisoned?

Well... no.

But this is 21st century,

a world governed by sophisticated
computer technology.

The damage will be immense.

I like it when people get poisoned.

I like it when their faces
turn blue.

Think of the leverage
it will give us.

Very well, I sanction it.

To celebrate, vodka!

Thank you, Mr President!

Ey!

CHOKES
PUTIN: Russia.

Combining evil old traditions
with terrible new ones.

THUD

Wait, your face didn't turn blue.

A thousand apologies. Gah!

THUD

I don't see how we can approve
Harry and Meghan's request.

Harry has to look after
the chickens,

Meghan has to look after Harry.

Is this a situation that benefits
from more chickens?

Speaking as a chicken,
I don't think so.

Request denied, Teethface.

You're so mean!

No, I'm not, I'm lovable.

Look, I'm dancing.

Lovable, so lovable.

Wait, I have read a buttload

of local property waiver requests
in my time,

but this screams something deeper.

Harry, Meghan, share.

Yes, share. I'm nice, like Oprah!

We don't care about the damn
waiver approval.

My dad rejected me,
my family kicked me out.

We just want any kind of approval.

From the people that matter most...

other celebrities.

SOBBING

HE SOBS

SHE SNIFFS

ELTON JOHN WEEPS

Acceptance by us,
the only thing that really matters.

HE SOBS

My brave ginger lad,
and his plucky bride.

Chicken waiver approved!

SHE WEEPS

It's so emotional!

SHE BLOWS NOSE

POPPING,
HE YELPS

My egg!
WHOOSHING

I caught the vag*na plug!

It's the greatest day of my life.

Attaboy!

MUSIC PLAYS

Hi, I'm Bjorn.

I'm Agnetha!

I'm Anni-Frid!

I'm frightened.

Are we in space?

No, Benny, we're ABBA!

We're back with a new album
and a new concert tour.

Why?
Because we want to do something fun

while we still have
some of our youthful energy!

Er... I think I need changing.

Can you imagine
being at a real live ABBA concert?

We won't actually be there,
of course.

We'll be at home, counting our
# Money, money, money. #

Instead, you can watch our
computer-generated avatars,

or as we like
to call them - Abbatars!

LAUGHTER

AGNETHA COUGHS AND SPUTTERS

Why is that funny?
I'm scared.

We'll be performing
a whole album of new songs,

along with the old ones

you actually want to hear!

AGNETHA WHEEZES

These suits capture our motions,

so it's just like watching us dance.

CRACKING

HE STRAINS

That hurt.
S.O.S.

So don't miss ABBA live!

Bjorn, I found my finger.

Oh! Ah, that's good.

Well done, Benny.

With properly funded
social care for our elder citizens,

this tragedy
could have been avoided.

Please support a 1.25% increase
in National Insurance.

Sometimes you accidentally
dig your way into a hole,

but with dignity, decorum,
and a dash of panache

you can dig your way out.

Because we're all flawed
and people want to forgive.

HE SCREAMS

Argh!

I'm Prince Andrew,

and this is my master...

Argh!

CHEERING

I'm so happy
to be back in the Manchester.

I love this town.
The culture, the food.

And you're not just coming here
to make a load of money

at the end of your career?

Ridiculous.

I am dedicated to the winning.
Excuse me.

My first match is coming up,
and I have much preparation to do.

So, Ronaldo, half an hour
to kick-off.

What happened to you?

RONALDO BELCHES
What?! I'm proper mad for it.

I go to the chipp-eh.
It was sound.

I told you, I love the Manchester.
Let's play.

You've spent the last 48 hours
just eating chips?!

Have I, bollocks.

I also eating meat pie
and bread rolls.

Jumbo sausage
with batter scratchings, garnish.

All drowned in gravy,
thick and rich as goat's blood.

I'm made up.

HE BELCHES

Anyway, I'm match fit
and ready to give my all.

Come out of there, you big b*stard!

So, Ronaldo there, fighting
with the gravy for his chips.

Evenly-matched at the moment,
but all to play for.

And it's out!
A remarkable pump from Ronaldo.

All over the plate!

What a meal he's made of that.

Come on, Grogu,
you're not a baby any more.

You can text your friends
after you finish your frog eggs.

I don't eat frog eggs.

Vegan, told you I am, duh!

Now, Grogu...
Hate that stupid name, I do.

Call me Trey, you will!

Denise, I think
you're really special.

And Grogu, I mean Trey,
will come around, give him time.

Marry whatever skank you like.
My real dad, you're not!

I can't do this.

Uh... Dad?

I'm stuck.

You had sex with my helmet?!

HE GROANS

This is definitely not The Way.

THE MANDALORIAN GRUNTS,
GROGU STRAINS

LIGHTSABER WHOOSHES

I didn't even know you had junk.

All right, I think
I got an answer for climate change.

But first, I gotta pee.

At my age, that could take a while,
so I'm invoking the 25th Amendment.

That means while I'm tinkling,
you're acting President.

No worry, take your time.

PIANO BALLAD PLAYS

# President

# Every time that Joe goes pee

# I realise I'm one heartbeat away

# President

# Don't want him to die

# But if he did
Well, I guess that I would be OK

# Maybe he could fall
And hit his head

# Or choke on a piece of bread

# Or have a total attack
Of the heart... #

Am I a bad person to fantasise

about succeeding over
the dead body of a decent man?

CHARLES CLEARS THROAT
There are worse things to wish for.

# I'd be King

Of course I would be heartbroken
If my dear old mum suddenly died

# But I'd be King, for example

# If she slipped
On Yorkshire pudding

# Or committed suicide

BOTH: # Wishful thinking's
Not a felony

# Just think of all the things
That we could do

# Sign an Executive Order or three

# Flush the corgis down the loo

# Of course we don't want them
To expire

# But since they won't retire

# How about a total attack
Of the heart...? #

Do I hear a duet
that needs a third?

No, James Corden!
Attention-hungry pig.

# Late Show host
If Stephen Colbert dies,

# His job on The Late Show
Will have to go to me... #

TV doesn't work that way!

# Late Show host
I would turn the show

# Into a musical hour
Of Carpool Karaoke

JAMES AND KAMALA:
# We are all good folks

# We are all good folks

# Even though we hope
Even though we hope

ALL: # For a total attack
Of the heart. #

TOILET FLUSHES

That's the flush of reality.

JAMES WHIMPERS

Oh, ouch!

JAMES GROANS

CRACKING,
JAMES YELPS

Ah, come on, I'm back!

Let's just rip up that transfer of
power and you're back to number two.

Whoa! Ooh!
SHE GASPS

THUD

Whoo!

Little slip-a-magoo
fixed the crick in my neck.

SHE SIGHS

ULTRASOUND ECHO WOBBLES

Take a look at the screen
and you should be able to see baby.

Oh, hello!

Oh, gosh, only me.
Hello!

What are you doing inside a uterus?

I'm Olivia Colman,
I'm in everything.

That's true, actually.
SHE EXHALES

Absolutely everywhere.

Hello!

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh-h*...

Hi, guys! Amazing!

Lockdown is over!

Joe Wicks!

I loved your YouTube workouts!
Cheers!

How about an actual
in-person workout?

Oh. I'd love to,

but the pubs are back open,
so, you know...

But what about all the changes
we were gonna make?

Positive workouts, positive
fitness, positive mental health!

Yeah, but as I say,
the pubs are back open.

CHANTING: Down in one!
Down in one! Down in one!

SHE BELCHES

High knees.

Burpees.

Positive.

Hi, guys.
Marcus Rashford!

Oh, I loved what you did during
lockdown with the free school meals.

Cheers. Actually, I'm looking for
volunteers for my community kitchen?

I don't suppose any of you would?

Oh, we'd love to, Marcus,
but the pubs are back open.

But remember how we were saying
we'd look out for our neighbours

and make the world a better place?

Yeah, but the pubs are back open,
so... Yah.

Community.

Foodbanks.

Literacy.

# Roll out the barrel!

# Let's have a barrel of fun! #
Yoo-hoo!

I can't find any volunteers
for my community kitchen.

And I can't get anyone
to come down my gym class.

Well, that's because
the pubs are back open! Whey!

What are we gonna do about it?

Dunno. Have a pint?

No! We've gotta stay positive!

Come on, guys!
Star jumps!

Let's get those pulse rates up!

High knees!
Burpees, burpees, burpees!

Positive, positive, positive!

g*nsh*t

I did it for the good of
Great Britain and the Commonwealth.

Yeah, well, the pubs are open.

All right, legends,
it's shots o'clock.

CHEERING

# My old man said follow the van

# And don't dilly-dally
On the way. #

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Oh-Oh-Oh Oh-Oh... #

How would you like to be
Education Secretary?

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-ah Oh-ah Oh-ah

# Oh-ah! #