01x03 - Your mom can't watch this.

[bunniefuu]

She said yes!

It's such a cliché,

saying it was love at first sight, but,

I mean, I think it was.

She worked with my cousin.

I saw her and I was like,

"Um, who is that? Who's that?"

And he's like, "Stop."

- "Stop it."

- "She has a boyfriend."

He's like, "Relax."

And I was like, "Okay. Sorry."

The concept of having sex

was not foreign to us,

but what do you define as sex?

- What do you

- Yeah.

What is l*sbian sex?

What is, like, the protocol?

- What are we supposed to do?

- Yeah.

- Do you want to start first?

- Okay.

- Um, I'm Shandra and Camille.

- Hi, I'm Camille.

We've been together for

It'll be six years in May.

We just got engaged, so we are

- Aw!

- Congratulations.

- So, we

- I'm very excited about it. Sorry.

I was already on, like, the outs

with my then-boyfriend,

and I met her,

and it was just kind of this, like,

"Oh, that's what I've been missing."

It's hard when you're in

a new relationship

and you're trying

to be intimate with this person.

You're in your head and you're thinking,

"What am I gonna do wrong?"

And it was very nerve-racking because

I did still kind of have

that shame of who I was.

I grew up

in a very religious home.

My mom was a Jehovah's Witness and so

They love lesbians.

Yeah. They Huge fans.

Biggest l*sbian fans.

We never talked

about sex in our household,

especially l*sbian sex,

we never talked about.

So I'm

I'm excited to kind of see

what we can learn during this process.

Yeah.

This was one of my first

relationships with a woman,

and just body image-wise,

I definitely want to gain

more confidence in the bedroom.

And when you don't have

a lot of confidence,

your sex drive kind of like just

- It dwindles.

- Dwindles and

It's hard to feel sexy

when you don't feel sexy.

Yeah.

Both of us have a lot of issues with

being in our heads when it comes to sex,

and I think there's just

a lack of education and,

you know, resources out there

that we can go to

for people who have relationships

and people who have sex like us.

There's something so incredible

when you are willing

to ongoingly work on your relationship,

and there's all kinds of things that,

with a bit of skill and intervention,

you can learn.

We're on our way to day one

of our intensive with Darshana.

It's a little shaky

because we're driving in LA, but

Darshana, we're coming for you.

I'm Darshana Avila

and I'm an erotic wholeness coach.

- How are you?

- Oh, hi! Can we hug?

- Yes.

- Hi.

A lot of what I teach is around

how to learn intimacy building

and cultivating skill

to help expand what is possible.

Your identity is as l*sbian women.

Like, how did it feel

to come into claiming that?

For me, it was it was rough.

I knew at a very young age, though.

I knew since I was a kid

that I've had these feelings.

It was just the environment I grew up in

was kind of smothering that,

and, like, I hated myself.

I didn't know that I was g*y until

my early twenties.

And I think we're at a place

where we wanna learn.

We wanna learn things that we didn't get

a chance to learn when we were younger.

The biggest thing for them as a couple,

I think, is a claiming of

their authentic expression of lesbianism.

Like, "How do we be lesbians together?"

There's a lot of, like,

l*sbian porn out there

that is very clearly not lesbians,

or not made for lesbians, and it's

It just brings that memory back

of me being young and not out yet.

And I'm like,

"Is this what I'm supposed to be?"

"Is this how I'm supposed to act?

Is this how we have sex?"

Because we are conditioned

to p*nis-in-vag*na intercourse

as, like, the gold standard,

and the experience of the p*nis

in that equation

outranking the experience of the vag*na,

there is a lot of confusion

and mystery of, like,

what do two

vulva-bearing bodies do together?

What do you know that you enjoy?

I love, like, being dominated. I love

- Oh.

- I love when she's in charge.

I love it when

I don't have to make decisions.

Oh, my God.

How do you feel about that?

I am a giver. I love giving.

And that turns me on, especially, and

- You know.

- Yeah.

You felt it. It's like And

I like when she, like, picks me up

or, like, throws me around

because it makes me

feel so tiny, and I like it.

- I don't know why. I

- Yeah.

- I like

- I throw her gently around.

Yeah. Consensually throws me around.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

We're extremely passionate people.

Yeah. I was just gonna say.

Both of us are very, like,

"Zero or 100, kind of nowhere in between"

kind of people.

Would you like to explore

one through 99?

Yeah. I would.

This is a moment when I tell Lindsey

to bring sex toys into the room.

- Hey.

- Uh-oh.

Yay.

- We're all about it. Yeah.

- All about it.

Well, I'm gonna reach over here, then.

Camille and Shandra

did let it be very clearly known

that they were interested in bringing

more into their sexual styles and lives.

Is it naive of me to say

I don't know what all of this is?

No, that's the whole point.

When they have gone to a sex shop

in the past, or ordered something,

it doesn't sound like they really had many

educational opportunities around that.

So it was part of that missing experience

of shaping their identities as lesbians.

- What is this? What the heck is this?

- Oh, I know what this is.

Oh, you know what that is.

Well, I just bought her

something for Valentine's Day.

Yeah, I don't know

what it's called though.

- Well, it's not a vibrator

- There's a name for it.

- but it sucks.

- It's the suction one. That like

It, like

- I want one now.

- Bless this thing.

Bless the cl*t suckers.

God.

- So, is that what this is, then?

- That is.

- That

- What is this?

- This is

- Looks like a bracelet.

- That's not a bracelet.

- I know.

What you think it is?

That looks like the thing that

you put on your nose to stop snoring.

- But that's

- It looks like

When you go to Disney World

and you're like

- That's what it Sorry.

- The Magic Band?

It is a magic band.

- Is it?

- Of a certain sort.

- Oh, dang.

- It is dual stimulation.

And so you could have this

inside of one of you,

and then use

So, like, if you're scissoring or like

- sh*t. Her mind was just blown just now.

- Oh, my God, yes.

Or friction Yeah.

- So, both pieces

- We'll be taking that one home.

Both pieces vibrate.

Feel. Oh, my God.

I like it.

Sorry. I'm excited about it.

How about this one?

- My name is Joie.

- And my name is Mike.

We've been together

this coming May for 12 years.

I am 66 years old.

I am 62 years old.

Yes, it's gone quickly, to be honest.

Time flies when we're having fun.

Mike was upfront

that sex was important to him

right when we met.

It's healthy. I mean,

every day that I can start out, you know

Start the day out with a bang is a plus.

We started out,

you know, as any couple does.

The first few years, everything was

hot and heavy and, you know, and

And then, you know,

it has its ups and downs,

so we need to keep it on the up side.

Do I feel like I have enough sex?

Sometimes it's not

as frequently as I would like.

Uh, but when she gets into it,

she's into it.

She just needs to get

a little motivated to get going.

Mike will 90% initiate sex,

and then I will be pretty frank.

"Maybe in the morning.

Not right now, I'm tired."

It's sad to say, sometimes I'm like,

"I'm gonna catch up on this show."

I mean, I can

I can imagine how that sounds.

He compares sex to brushing his teeth.

"I can do this,

you know, once, twice a day."

And I'm just like

- Yes.

- You're randy. I like it.

I like it.

- This will be interesting.

- I know.

Talk is cheap.

I think you're perfectly paired up

with your experts so far,

and when you go into a therapy session

with a sense of adventure,

then it's not so horrible and personal.

It's more like, "Hey." You know?

- "Let's see."

- Yeah.

I'm Amina,

and I'm the director and founder

of the Atlanta Institute

of Tantra and Divine Sexuality.

So, people come to me sometimes just

because they want to learn how to squirt.

The focus of my work

is on embodiment and sensuality,

and really the expansion of that.

- So that's what we're doing this weekend.

- Great.

But some couples come to me

because they are very happy

and they love everything

about what's happening,

but one has a diminished desire.

I work with them around

communicating their erotic needs.

Erotic intimacy is

a primal desire that we have

to be connected and

to be wild and free with someone.

So, I'm gonna have you both just kind of

introduce your animal to each other,

and there's gonna be

a little bit of crawling.

I want you to seduce each other.

So, you're looking at each other

and then you're

you're smelling each other

and taking in each other's scents.

You are maybe growling a little bit,

or grunting or purring. Mmm.

Just acknowledging each other's energy.

And you can kind of

get into each other's energetic fields.

How's that sound?

Different.

The animal crawl is, like, my favorite

thing to do, 'cause it is weird.

And what I love,

'cause it happens every single time,

is everybody

smells each other's butt.

It's my favorite thing.

I've always been

a type-A personality.

Acting like an animal?

Yeah, that's not something

I would normally do, even for foreplay.

It's not customary to see couples

in their sixties talking about sex,

thinking about sex,

and it's probably gonna be challenging

on some level to certain people

who are thinking, "I don't want to

think about older people having sex."

But we are sexual beings.

And that means we're sexual beings

until the day we die.

Or until the day we decide

we want to retire that part of our lives.

We don't stop wanting to have pleasure,

and, uh,

I'm really happy that in his sixties,

he was also willing to go,

"Well, okay, if I want twice a day,

I'm gonna have to learn a few new tricks."

Crawling around, it lets you

really get into your body.

And it was just fun.

We take this whole ride too seriously.

Can we acknowledge that

sex is how we play as adults?

How you guys doing?

I dunno. How are we doing?

Doing great. This is excellent.

You're doing wonderful.

Okay.

So, we have our thinking brain,

which is always going,

and then we have our being-feeling body.

So next we're going

to move into a meditation

that's gonna actually help you even get

a little bit more deeply into the body.

Go ahead and

just get comfortable, lie down.

Have you ever had, um,

any BDSM play before? Been tied up?

- No.

- Yes.

Well, I'm gonna tie you up today.

Not in that fun, kinky way.

But what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna

put this strap on you, on your legs.

This is gonna let the body relax.

So, what I'm gonna do

Breath is probably

the most important function in sex to me.

I always have to remind myself this,

still, years later,

because I learned about

how to be sexy from porn.

And in porn, the women breathe like this

Almost every woman

that I've ever been with sexually,

that I've ever coached,

has also done the same thing,

'cause somebody told us.

We're not out of breath.

What are we doing?

Why are we breathing like this?

It doesn't make sense.

Look, a body has

a real serious function in life,

and that's to keep us from dying.

And if we're telling it

that we're not relaxed,

then it's like, "All right, what are we

tense about? Who's coming to get us?"

When you stop that nonsense

that we borrowed from, you know,

from socialization, and we move

into this very deep way of breathing

Now we're in a space

where we open up to pleasure.

This is more of a teaching session.

You might end up feeling like

you get, like, super into it,

and that's great,

but if you don't, that's okay too.

The teaching is gonna be specifically

around some ideas related to position.

So, you're welcome to undress if you wish.

You're welcome to undress each other.

I'm gonna chuck my sweater off.

- There's layers.

- Layers.

Don't mind me.

Don't mind my butt.

- Perfect butt, right?

- Okay.

Why don't you start belly to belly?

Oh, there she goes.

Drop in with your breath.

And so you might begin with some touch.

When it comes to technique, like, yes,

it's good to know some basic things

about how to touch bodies,

how to touch vulvas,

and those are teachable skills.

Slide your leg

in between the other's. Yep.

- Ooh. That's

- Get in There we go.

It's a great position

for a*s grabbing and stroking.

Your mom cannot watch this.

My main interest in supporting them

was to just create as much space and

permission for them to be authentic.

This is a great way to have reach.

So, you can do a lot of thigh-stroking,

you can hold her hips,

you can grab her a*s,

as well as be stimulating her vulva,

penetrating her vag*na.

When it comes to positions,

the best are the positions that feel good.

So, what we're gonna do now is, I'm gonna

show you how to initiate and offer touch

in a way that is sensual

but not necessarily sexual.

One of the things that I noticed with Joie

is there's this nudge

that needs to be in place

to remind the body

that we're moving towards pleasure,

and that we're used to in foreplay

or in other activities

to kind of build up sexual anticipation,

which leads to desire.

Start with just some gentle hand-touching.

Then you're gonna eventually

move through the whole body.

And I'm assuming eyes closed

just as far as concentrating on the touch?

- Don't concentrate on anything.

- Yeah, so Yeah.

Let your mind go clear.

For Joie, I think a whole day

of building up to the evening

is really what would be great.

And Mike's language is not that.

Mike wakes up, he's ready with some

morning wood and ready to deliver.

And so for him, understanding the need

for touch without having that need,

the need for slowness,

the need for more foreplay, wasn't there.

One of the joys of this practice,

Mike, for you,

it's just really witnessing

what I witness right now, which is,

kind of, the stress

just leaving the face a little bit,

her shoulders shifting, her hip shifting,

and knowing that

you are the catalyst for that.

It can be hard sometimes

for her to let go and relax.

Yeah.

- Well, here you have her completely still.

- Right.

Sometimes, the only time

I get touched during the day is at night.

He will kiss you goodbye,

kiss you hello, you know,

but it's a little peck,

you know, out the door.

And then remember that

this is an act of worship.

So, your touch is really a gift that

you're giving to your goddess right now.

Even though my parents

had four sons in five years,

my folks didn't really

give us a lot of insight.

So, you know,

we shared notes with our friends,

we read Playboy and Hustler.

People may teach you, "Well, this is

how the sexual act results in a child,"

but nobody's really teaching you

how to please a woman,

how to make her happy.

You know, not all porn is realistic

to what real relationships look like.

You willing to get on all fours

and face your booty toward your beloved?

Sure. Let's do it.

- We're already here. It's like

- Yeah, let's do it.

So, you can be in this position and

then there's like, a lot of yummy access,

and then you can also get,

like, closer in, in this position

and also have a lot of, like

- Oh, I like that.

- You can pull You like that.

This is where we could

definitely use one of these, like

This is great.

Yeah. This is where I feel like

you could use this, for sure.

Yeah.

- There are cameras on me now.

- I'm not gonna do it to you, but

How about instead of like, putting a toy

right on your un-warmed up yoni,

like, maybe, can you reach your hand?

I'm sensing part of you is like,

"I really want to play with this toy!"

- I do. And I'm scared right now.

- But your body's not ready for

Like, we haven't

done anything to get you ready.

- That's what's terrifying me now.

- That's okay.

Yeah, that's true.

What we saw there with Camille,

I think, was a really potent example

of someone who's overriding

and overextending herself.

Camille, do you wanna say anything

about how you're feeling right now,

and let there be some space

for those emotions?

I don't know why

I'm having so much anxiety now.

It's not something I'm used to doing

with other people in the room,

so I'm very aware of that right now,

and I'm trying really hard

to just focus on you.

But getting in my head is my specialty,

and I can feel myself

doing that right now.

Great.

She was so enthusiastically

wanting to, like, talk about the sex toys

and play with different positions.

Like, she had an idea

in her head of what she wanted,

and then there was the lived reality of,

at a certain point,

she wasn't actually there anymore.

Can I offer a few options?

Yeah.

Would you like

to put your clothes back on?

- Sure. Yeah. Maybe that'll help.

- Let's do that.

Okay.

I was just trying to be in the moment.

- Maybe that's not the right thing.

- This is being in the moment.

In this moment, you need something

different than you needed before.

Okay.

And we witnessed her continue

to follow the known pattern of,

"No, it's a little uncomfortable,

but I'm gonna do it anyway."

Oh, gosh. I'm taking up so much time.

- Sweetie, this is

- It's fine, it's all good.

This is your space and time.

There's no apology needed.

No one is expecting anything.

When I suggested that she might

want to put her clothes back on,

was the pivotal moment.

Okay, that Apparently that's

what I needed. I already feel better.

- Do you?

- Yeah.

That's fine.

- It's okay.

- I don't like my body, I don't think.

- See, I'm getting in my head.

- I know.

About my body.

Let's talk about it.

I'm just, like, hyper aware of it.

I didn't think I would be like this.

Babe, it's okay.

I had this perception of myself that

I was open and cool and confident,

and that body shaming doesn't affect me.

And, uh,

I found out that I'm very much wrong

and maybe even

lying to myself a little bit.

I appreciate that you

love me, regardless of

what I look like on the outside.

Always.

I think that shame is actually the most

corrosive emotion that we can have.

It's such a terrible voice inside our head

that's so old, we're taught to feel

ashamed of ourselves when we're so little.

I grew up very, um,

heavily in dance and ballet,

and appearing to not be perfect

was a very, very

It was a struggle for me.

A lot, so

Body shame,

I've lived with it for almost 63 years,

because I've see-sawed with weight,

and even recently, nothing major,

but we're talking, like, 20 pounds.

I've lost 1,000 pounds

over 60 some-odd years.

I will say that my body image

does affect my intimacy at times,

just because if I'm feeling

very heavy that day,

I may, like, not want to, uh, engage.

I think you're like, "Aw, jeez.

You know, well, at least it's dark."

There are a lot of messages

that we have taken in since that big,

as girls, as women, telling us what

our bodies were supposed to look like.

And that negativity shows up for us

oftentimes in intimate spaces.

We don't really, fully wanna be seen.

"I don't want you to touch my belly,

I don't want you to touch this part."

And so this exercise

really helps us challenge that idea

so that we can start to see ourselves

as more whole, complete, beautiful,

divine goddesses that we are.

We have so much internalized

misogyny, and fatphobia, and ageism

that we're always looking

for something to fix.

"Oh, if my butt was a little bit bigger

or my waist was a little bit smaller."

Mirror work challenges that.

The first thing I want you to do

is just actually look at yourself.

In fact, do you mind if I am

If I disrobe?

- No. That's fine.

- Okay.

So, the first task we do, disrobe.

And then you just stand

and you look at yourself,

and you start thinking about,

"Well, what do I like?

What do I see that's pleasant?"

And then I also start looking at,

"Uh, you know, I'm in my forties now."

So there's some things

that have shifted.

My breasts, they're not

where they used to be, right?

I'm starting to get dimples in places,

and I was an athlete, like you.

So, those things challenge us when we have

this athleticism background, especially.

So, I look at these things,

and I think about my breasts, for example,

but then I also have to question. "Well"

"Who told me that breasts were

supposed to look a certain way?" Right?

So as you start to look at yourself

Staring at yourself

fully naked and saying

"Huh. This is what I look like,"

first and foremost.

"What don't I like? What do I like?"

And then, "Why?"

It's really about getting to the why.

Where did I get that messaging?

Because so much of what we don't like,

and even a lot of what we do like

is coming from somebody else telling us,

"This equates to desirability."

And, listen, we all want to be desirable,

but whose voice is that?

And do we want them?

What do they do for me?

Is this voice that

I now have planted in my head

that's telling me

my stomach should be a little bit flatter,

or my butt should be a little bit bigger,

is that even someone that I desire?

Why are they in my bedroom

and my bathroom

when I look at myself in the mirror?

I don't even know

if I'm attracted to that person.

How did they get here,

and how do I evict them?

So

This is you.

If and when you're ready,

you are welcome to disrobe

as much as you want,

and that may or may not happen,

and that's okay.

As you look at yourself, and there might

be voices of judgment, or shame, or fear,

there might be repulsion or disgust

and we're being present

with those feelings.

Okay.

I wish I and every woman

could be more confident in themselves.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

Yeah.

And I just want

little girls who are in ballet classes,

who have angry French teachers,

to look at themselves

in the mirror in a leotard

and just love themselves,

because I've always struggled

with looking at myself in the mirror

and saying with absolute confidence

that I am beautiful,

because I I don't believe that,

and I want to.

This is my body.

Okay.

This is my body.

It's a precious vessel.

- You can give me that.

- Thank you.

Yeah.

It is a form

of exposure therapy, you know,

a gentle, loving exposure therapy

to do mirror work,

because you are being exposed

to your own voice of judgment,

and criticism,

and shame, and condemnation,

and you need to meet that.

"What is it that I don't like?"

And really name the thing, you know?

Like, "Well, I'm kind of

I see I have asymmetry." Right?

So, one boob sits

differently than the other.

That conversation is happening

whether we know it or not.

When we're in our most sexiest time,

when someone is there

in devotion to us, trying to worship us,

and we're like, "Eh, don't look at that."

It sits differently.

So, that's the first thing you do.

And as I start to go

through this process, I realize,

so much of that is what someone else

told me I was supposed to look like.

What did you think of Amina

getting all naked in front of the mirror?

What I realized as I was watching it,

I started to track my own thoughts.

Like, "I can't believe she's doing this,"

and seeing her grieving that

her breasts didn't look

the way they used to,

and she didn't like her stomach,

but then bringing

this very deep acceptance

of what happens to the body

as we age, after we have children.

And I feel like the next phase

of work in my life

has to be around real acceptance,

because I drive myself really hard

to not age and to not,

you know,

be disappointed in the way I look,

and I'm still disappointed

in the way I look, you know?

So it was actually very interesting

to watch that and then observe my reaction

and kind of come to these conclusions

about how hard I am on myself still,

and how hard we are,

as women, on our bodies

and what happens to us naturally

as we go through life.

Yeah.

Growing up, I was an athlete and I was,

um, just skinny and muscular, always.

And, I mean, as I get As anyone

that can get older, they can gain weight.

And I've had, like, my

One family member that kind of was like,

"Oh, you've gotten a little bit thicker."

And comments like that,

it's just, like, kind of brings you down.

What's a part of your body that

you feel the most uncomfortable about?

- Definitely my waist.

- Okay.

Yeah. And starting

more of the wrinkles too,

but yeah, my waist,

which I've never had one.

Okay. So, we can acknowledge

the wrinkles and the waist? Right?

You look at yourself and realize, like,

"Okay, the wrinkles are coming.

Like, they're coming in."

But what does that really signify?

- An experienced woman.

- Yeah. Like

- I, you know, earned these wrinkles.

- Yeah.

So you acknowledge,

"This is the thing I don't like,

- but this is what I really do like."

- Mm-hmm.

When I met you, I was a lot thinner.

But This is happiness.

- I still love every single part of you.

- This is happiness!

- Oh. I love it.

- Right here.

It's like I'm reminded

that I'm powerful as a woman,

- and I've birthed two children.

- Mm-hmm.

And that's a function

of this belly, you know?

And also, you're still very strong

and fit, you're still swimming.

"So then I'm also able to power

through water with this belly,

and I think it actually

looks good in places."

So you start looking at places where,

"Yeah, this part's sticking out,

but what Do I like this part more?"

But it starts here, just staring

in the mirror, and really just looking.

How often do you get a chance

to just look at yourself?

I mean, this process was

a lot about, obviously, Camille and I,

and, like, looking into her eyes,

but today, like, in the mirror was

the first time I, like, looked at mine.

Whoo.

It gave me a boost,

and I'm getting emotional now 'cause

I'm talking about it, but it was a

It was just a boost of confidence.

That negativity was

just completely gone today.

"I love you, curves." Like, you can find

Shandra having this surge

of confidence and self-love,

it shows us what is possible here,

and Camille's experience is just as valid,

that it might not be instantaneous

and it might take a lot more encouragement

and reinforcement and nurturing

to get to a place

where she can feel peace with herself.

Women in particular are taught

to deny their sexual desire,

or to at least not speak about it,

not frankly.

This is where I'm at. This looks good.

In the mirror work, that is really

where I saw the biggest shift for Joie.

I think it's inspiring,

and a confident body speaks volumes.

I needed for her to feel

more grounded and settled and safe

to express her desires.

So, what did you think of today?

It was fun.

Right. Doing some things

outside the comfort zone,

- even along the lines with foreplay.

- Mm-hmm.

And foreplay doesn't

always have to end in the act.

But just spending more time,

not being in a hurry to go to sleep,

or even lovemaking

as a form of falling asleep.

I'm good with that.

Really, a lot of the work that I do,

it's about moving you into a space

where you're communicating

what's uncomfortable to communicate.

"Really, what I want is my butt rubbed

a little bit before we get to the sex."

Working out like more of a massage,

'cause I think we both enjoy a massage

and we don't take time to do it.

And then have

that perhaps be the prelude

to, you know, some more

intimacy and some hot sex.

Okay.

So, at the end when I hear Joie say,

"I want more foreplay,"

I'm like, "Ah, it worked."

It was eye-opening in the sense that

we're always in a hurry

to go to bed and have sex,

and maybe not all foreplay

needs to occur in bed.

Your boobs look great.

Thank you.

They do.

Today, I realized

you need to be comfortable

or at least be in tune with yourself first

before you can even bring

somebody else into the equation.

And I guess I need

to work on myself a lot.

A lot more than I thought I did.

This has brought up a lot of things

that we can just even

go home and talk about tonight,

and then bring it again tomorrow and

'Cause we're not done.

- Here we go.

- Oh, thank you.