01x04 - Would you do that?

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, guys.

We are on our way up to Beverly Hills.

Looking forward to learning

some more about the anatomy.

We haven't had anatomy class

since what, middle school?

Right.

I feel I'm pretty good on anatomy,

uh, being an artist and everything.

But

On mark.

Thank you.

Hi.

Tell me

about your sex education.

When it comes to your body,

do you feel it's lacking?

Yeah. Anatomy-wise I wonder, like

Damon's always like,

"Your cl*t is really small."

I'm like,

"Maybe something's wrong with it?"

Like, maybe it's not big enough.

Maybe it needs to come out more.

I don't know.

We don't do foreplay very often.

I don't know how to have orgasms

except for, like, with a vibrator.

His parents are, like, wondering

why he doesn't have any babies and, like,

what is he waiting for and, like,

why am I not giving them, basically?

Like, am I gonna have an orgasm

before I have a baby?

Right? Who doesn't want to orgasm?

I mean, that would be awesome,

and then maybe I would be like,

"Great, let's have sex all the time."

Part of my discovery

as a somatic sexologist

has been what is erotically possible.

- So today we're gonna talk about arousal.

- Okay.

Arousal and fertility are linked.

- Learn something new?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- This is a vulva puppet. So

- Oh, wow.

I like this one has 'cause

it has the structure of the clitoris.

There was this story going on

about Erika's clitoris being small.

And when anybody says

anybody's genitals are small,

I often just think it's because

they're not being aroused.

Size isn't necessarily what matters.

Arousal is what matters.

I wanted to educate them on,

"Here's her anatomy,

here's how to work with her anatomy."

What's interesting about anatomy is

a lot of the vulva-bodied anatomy

got taken out of the textbooks.

So, if you look at, like,

early 1800s, it's all in there.

And then we go through

the Victorian era, and it disappears.

They only kept the reproductive organs in,

so we lost a lot of the anatomy.

And then the way things were named

also denotes shame.

Even the nerve that innervates

all the external genitalia

was called the pudendal nerve.

"Pudendal" means shame.

- Oh, wow.

- Mm.

So, studying sex and

studying the anatomy was shameful.

Okay, so, outer labia, and these

can be big or small, all different sizes.

As someone gets more aroused,

these start to pop out more.

The inner labia start to come out

because there's swelling,

and all of this poofs out more.

This is the clitoral hood.

So, similar to someone who's p*nis-bodied,

this would be the foreskin.

- Mm. Okay.

- Okay?

Now, clitorises are sometimes

innies or outies.

Like, sometimes the clitoris is

more in underneath the hood,

and sometimes it's more out and exposed.

And then we have arousal, right?

Which is gonna change it,

make a little bit more exposure, right?

The clitoris is gonna grow.

- Right.

- It's very similar to someone's p*nis.

Okay?

Then there's the shaft of the clitoris,

which is this whole piece here.

And this is all erectile tissue

that engorges with blood.

All this is also the clitoris.

So, we have the clitoral legs,

which are in here.

They wrap around This is the vaginal

canal here, the clitoral legs, here.

- Okay.

- And then the vestibular bulbs or the

Some people call them

the clitoral bulbs as well.

So there's all this internal

structure to the clitoris,

which wraps around the vaginal canal.

- I wanna show you the whole clitoris.

- Okay.

Okay.

- That's the whole clitoris.

- What?

- Wow.

- It's a lot of tissue.

- It's intimidating.

- We just give this part attention.

Mm-hmm.

But you've got

all this tissue here to play with.

Wow.

- All right.

- Aren't we amazing?

I know.

That's what I'm thinking right now.

I'm like, "Jeez, women just get

more awesome every time."

So awesome.

So, these are some of the landmarks today

that we're going to find on your body.

How do you feel now about

me taking a look at your anatomy

and helping him do some landmarks?

Yeah, sounds great.

- Thank you.

- Great. All right.

I think particularly as women,

the connection to our bodies opens up

this beautiful pathway

for self-realization.

And that's super important

in relationship and sex.

Right.

There's so much taboo

about touching your own body

and exploring your own genitals,

particularly in a woman's anatomy.

So, I think there'll be a lot of learning.

If we come out learning

something new, we're good.

How about you two?

I am a little nervous.

Seeing that it will be on Netflix,

it will be a very interesting experience

after it premieres.

I don't know the kind of

negative backlash we will get from it,

but I'm very, very excited about

the positive influence this will have.

Yeah.

I feel nervous a little bit because

growing up in

a Jehovah's Witness household,

my mom would always make comments.

One time, she was watching a show

where there was, like,

a l*sbian relationship,

and she would make comments

like, "Oh, that's disgusting."

And that would be ingrained in my brain.

So, I grew up knowing that

this was, like, a wrong relationship

and that I shouldn't explore

feelings like that ever.

- Oh.

- I know.

- Mm.

- Aw.

Uh, so, it's

Yeah, it's painful 'cause I mean

She's my mom and one of

the most important people in my life, but

Uh

Like, she has made it very clear

that she will not be at our wedding, so

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Whoo. And

Okay. Breathe. All right.

So, I'm looking to gain more confidence

to be more open

without worrying about

what my family thinks

or what my mother has in store for us.

I've known I was g*y

since the beginning of time.

Like, I definitely knew,

and it was funny 'cause

I'd tell my mom I had crushes on girls,

and she'd be like, "Hmm. Ha. No."

"No, you don't."

- So, I tried to push those feelings

- Yeah.

to the back, as far as they can go.

And, I mean, the older you get,

the harder it is to suppress that.

I'm very excited to get out

of my comfort zone and talk about it

a lot more and a lot more openly.

I'm just very reserved

when it comes to sex.

Something that

I do struggle with is penetration.

It is painful sometimes for me.

I don't automatically get

that pleasure like most women do.

I think that's a big thing that's

kind of been a strain with each other,

and so that's a big thing that

I want to work on with myself, but yeah.

Yeah.

Much in the same way

that you had an experience

of being with the entirety of your body,

we're gonna now hone in

on a very special part,

your vulva.

I'm gonna offer you each a mirror.

I want to invite you to spread your outer

labia open a little and see what's inside.

Yeah. And just looking

with the recognition of, like,

"Wow, this is a part of me

that makes magic."

And just take some breath.

This is your experience.

So many people are struggling

around their sexuality,

their embodiment, their intimate life.

It's because it has not

been widely modeled

in the dominant

cultural paradigm we're inside of.

Working as

a somatic sex and intimacy coach,

we offer a space with

a lot of permission to be sexual

and not have that be

a shameful, dirty, strange thing,

and it is a pathway

for healing for people.

In Sanskrit there is the word "yoni"

that is used to speak about

the entirety of the female genitalia.

We don't have

an equivalent word in English,

and it's because that concept as a whole

doesn't even really exist anymore.

Once upon a time that was treated with

a lot of reverence that we miss out on.

But it doesn't mean

we can't make up for it.

And so this is a sacred space

of meeting your yoni.

In America in particular,

generations past, women were in touch

with the rhythms of their body,

had a connection

to the flow of the erotic.

Colonizers came over and brought their

religious conditioning to the people,

and to continue their primacy,

they had to take away

whatever power they perceived

as coming from the feminine.

Anytime you've got a broad dogma

being overlaid, it says, like,

"This is more important than you."

And that is something felt in our bodies.

What is coming up for you

as you look at yourself?

As you see your vulva?

I didn't realize what color she was.

Tell me about her gorgeous color palette.

Like, her colors go from light brown

and then kind of more into pink.

How's it for you, Shandra?

I've never been

this up close and personal.

What does she need to hear?

Relax.

Yeah.

- So, I'm gonna So, intention, beautiful.

- Yeah.

Impact

We're gonna separate those two things.

Like, your intention is, like,

"I want to be more relaxed."

But the impact of saying, "Relax!"

- Think about that.

- Yeah.

Right? I just tend to tense up.

I don't know.

She's been through it.

I don't know, it's a lot.

I'm ready to learn, though.

I'd like to offer the suggestion of, like,

"I'm committed to learning what you need

in order to feel safe enough to relax."

And that might be the dialogue.

You wanna try that one out? Your version.

I'm committed to learn more about you

in order to relax

and be more intuitive with myself.

And not be so, like, expecting the worst,

or expecting pain all of a sudden.

We're gonna go further into this

when we get to do our table work together.

A big piece of the framework

that I offer to people

is sexological bodywork.

Given that penetration has been

problematic for Shandra,

there can be a cathartic or breakthrough

type of moment in a session space.

It's about sex,

but it's about so much more.

- Oh, man. I'm just kidding. Yeah.

- Maybe you're not kidding.

Maybe part of you

is really like, "Oh, sh*t."

Oh, man. Yeah.

What is sexological bodywork?

It's a term that's specifically used

when you do work

that actually involves the body

as the body responds

to sexual touch and also the genitals.

It's not legal everywhere

because it is hands-on.

Hands-on?

Like a therapist, hands on genital

Yes.

It's legal in California?

It is legal in California

and very much used

in Europe also, therapeutically.

- Right.

- For things like a birth trauma,

or when there was a surgery,

or physical violation

where there's a lot of pain.

So a lot of those physical symptoms

can come from emotional, sexual trauma?

Yes. It's not always emotional.

Sometimes there's some

physical, underlying things,

tight ligaments, lack of magnesium,

there's all kinds of stuff.

So, one aspect focuses on giving the body

the support and the learning

so the body can open up

without fear and shame and tension,

and the other part focuses

on learning how to have pleasure.

- Lay on your back.

- Okay.

Okay. And then

you're gonna get on the table.

Okay, now, Erika,

put your legs over top of his legs.

Yeah. And then just rest your legs.

Rest your legs anywhere that feels good.

Okay, so now you're gonna put

one hand on her heart,

and the other hand

on the top of her pubic bone,

and then eventually you'll land

and just kind of ground her.

What do you notice in your body?

It's really difficult

not to get in my head.

When Erika first got on the table,

I could feel her body tension,

and of course you're gonna be nervous.

There's cameras, she's just getting

to know me. So I want to check in,

because as a sexological body worker,

I'm looking at that whole picture

of the body, mind, spirit all together.

What's happening in your head,

so we can presence it?

I know this is the awful time

to relate it to that,

but it's like

when you're having a pap smear.

- And you stop breathing.

- 'Cause you're bracing.

- Yeah. That's exactly what I'm feeling.

- So your body has learned to brace.

Mm-hmm.

From pap smears,

from hard, from too fast, too hard.

I never thought of that as bracing,

but yeah.

Yeah.

Then tell me what body sensation you have.

My thighs are kind of hurting.

My feet are tense.

You know how your feet go in the stirrups?

- Feet tense, thighs clamping?

- Exactly what this feels like.

Yeah.

Okay, now I want you to feel yourself

right here, right now,

in this time, in this room.

Like, you're here. You're here now.

I just released

a lot of tension in my legs.

Yeah. When you felt yourself

here and now. Yeah.

So you can let go now.

Your body's not there anymore.

Your body's not in the past anymore.

Mm.

- Good.

- Yeah.

What's coming up for you?

I just realized

I've been bracing for a long time.

Yeah.

That's a lot to think about. Wow.

- Can I put my hand on you?

- Yeah, of course.

Okay, yeah.

Your body's been in a little bit

of a freeze response for a while.

Mmm.

This show

makes me cry all the time.

It's beautiful.

Hi, baby.

Hi.

To see her have

that breakthrough, it was beautiful.

I felt her,

and learned more about her body.

So, that was incredible.

The emotional release

leads to the next level of arousal.

Okay.

A big part of what compounds our pain

is that we're afraid of it

and we take it very seriously,

and our body protects us

in that way very naturally.

It's like, "Okay, ah, um, armor."

"I know this isn't gonna be good,

I'm gonna brace myself for it."

The premise of what we're gonna explore

is both an energetic and a physical style.

And we're gonna meet those places

where the armor tends to lock in

with more compassion.

Shandra grew up in

a very conservative, religious environment

where sexuality unto itself

was not included,

and lesbianism certainly was not condoned.

That shows up in a lot of people's bodies.

This kind of generalized pain

is not necessarily because there's

a physical brokenness, problem or injury.

Oftentimes, it's a physical response

to the emotional

and psychological imprinting.

It's the shame.

The shame freezes our bodies,

it locks our bodies,

it is a protective measure,

and that is a prime example

of how our trauma imprints can live.

- And look, you're already having feelings.

- Huh?

- Tell me, what are you feeling?

- Oh, God.

I'm a little nervous 'cause

I've obviously never done this before.

Yeah.

It's been a problem for a while, so

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

You're gonna know

what I'm doing every step of the way

'cause I'm gonna tell you

before I do anything,

and I'm gonna check in and see

if you're really on board for it or not.

Because if you're not,

what's gonna happen?

- I'm going to tense up.

- No.

- No? Sorry.

- We're not gonna do it.

- We're not gonna do it.

- That's the one rule.

That's the one rule. Is that

if you don't want it, it doesn't happen.

Got it.

And if we move toward penetrative touch,

every step of the way

I'm gonna be in conversation with you,

and it's gonna be

very gentle and very slow.

- And none of it has to happen.

- Got it.

Sexological bodywork

is a modality that actually arose

as a response to the A*DS and HIV crisis

in the g*y male communities

to provide a service

that sits at the intersection of eroticism

and trauma healing modalities.

But now, it's all genders.

I'm gonna start on your pubic mound.

- Got it.

- Okay.

Feel the presence of my hand.

It's so warm.

So warm.

What are the associations of warm?

I would say comfort.

I guess, safety.

Mmm.

So, just let that in.

And you have full permission

to receive it.

A big part of being

a sexological bodyworker

is that I provide genital contact.

So, the next progression then would be

for your thighs to spread open a little.

My fingers are gonna drop down

over your vulva, if you're okay with that.

Yeah.

I'm wearing gloves at all times.

The touch is one-directional,

it is fully consensual,

and it's empowered consent that

the client would be educated in beforehand

so that they are empowered

to advocate for themselves.

And I am vigilantly, like, making sure

that they're doing exactly that.

How's your yoni?

She's good so far.

Yeah?

Is there a desire

to explore a little further?

You tell me.

We can explore a little further.

Okay.

I'm okay.

- That's brave.

- Yeah.

I mean, that's really brave.

Would you do that?

- Yeah, I think I might do that.

- Yeah.

I think I might.

- I have a

- It would be really hard for me.

It's one thing to be

emotionally vulnerable on camera,

but to be sexually vulnerable

like that as well,

it's kind of herculean. It's very cool.

Okay, so now

we're gonna start with the outer labia

and just go up like that.

Oh.

Yes, and you don't even

have to do much. See how she's moving?

You could just barely touch

and let her move

so that she's now rocking on your fingers.

Okay. I'm gonna have you take 2 fingers.

You're gonna put them

on the external labia.

What we're gonna do is

we're gonna expose the clitoris.

- Oh.

- Okay. So, see how she wings?

Your inner labia wing at your introitus,

like little butterfly wings.

So you have

these beautiful butterfly wings

right at the opening

of your vaginal canal.

Mm.

It's gorgeous. It looks so inviting.

And then do you feel

as you're stroking up,

where the head of her clitoris is?

It'll feel like a little nut

Like, a hard little ball.

- Yes.

- I felt that.

There. Yeah.

Just press on it and hold in stillness.

Can you feel it

kind of moving or vibrating or

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Your clitoris is very alive.

- She was tucked in underneath the sheath.

- Okay.

- You have a lot of clitoral hood.

- Okay.

Remember how I said some people

are outies and some are innies?

You have a lot of clitoral hood.

- Okay.

- So it's just covering your clitoris.

I feel like this was

really life-altering, like,

now knowing that I have more,

like, hood over my clitoris,

and that it's normal,

I feel a sense of empowerment.

You're gonna take

your thumb and your forefinger,

and you're gonna grab

the shaft of her clitoris

between the thumb and forefinger.

Beautiful, Damon.

And then you move.

So, you're just gonna hold the shaft,

and she's gonna move,

which is gonna rock

the head and the shaft of the clitoris.

So she gets to kind of control her motion.

I find this, like, really nice,

like, it's so soft.

It's opposite of what we're used to doing.

It's a lot harder,

and I think when I start liking it,

he starts pressing harder.

Uh-huh.

The more aroused you get, the harder

- Because that's how it's taught.

- I actually like it softer.

It's like, "Oh, she's getting

more aroused. Rub faster and go harder."

And with you,

because you're energetic, it's spacious.

- It's like, give it breath.

- Mm-hmm.

Just even in

that little bit of time, like,

it made such a difference

in the way Damon was handling

those parts of my body.

Know how you said you didn't know

what to do when on top?

This.

- He's inside of you, and you move.

- Oh, I see.

And then you find where your clitoris

makes contact with his pubic bone,

and then you ride right on his pubic bone.

Wow.

Nice.

Oh, that was hot.

I think Damon was also very

surprised at how much he enjoyed this,

and I'm sure he's still

sitting there thinking,

"Oh, my God.

Here I am thinking she's always so, like,

uptight."

I'm not that uptight.

- I love you, honey.

- I love you too.

- Do you want to get dressed?

- Okay.

We'll move to our next adventure.

Sounds good.

So, moving on,

I'm going to stroke your labia.

Okay.

I'm gonna come up

with the underside of my fingers.

Yeah.

How's that touch?

- It's good.

- Yeah?

How would you feel about me placing

my finger at the entrance of your vag*na?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

It's It's fine.

I'm starting to feel a little bit of pain.

So, I'm gonna lighten my touch.

- That actually helped.

- Great.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

I think I'm ready to go in further.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

So, I'm gonna do that really slowly,

and you're gonna breathe while I do it.

- Okay.

- Okay? Let's breathe together.

And how's that?

Fine.

You're receiving

penetrative touch right now,

and you're staying present for it.

That's a beautiful thing.

Let's get the breath down deeper.

Down here.

Are you able to sense

my finger inside of you?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

What

what do you notice in that sensing?

I'm just really relaxed,

which doesn't happen that often.

Mm.

And I don't feel any pain, which is crazy.

It's happening.

Aw, yeah, there's your love,

and here's your body

feeling safe enough to receive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm.

Anybody that knows Shandra just, like,

knows she just isn't as open as I am.

Even saying the word "sex" at one point

in her life was extremely not accepted.

So I was very proud of her

to be willing to jump into that.

And now, up here,

this is your urethral sponge,

which is commonly

referred to as the G-spot.

Yeah.

Tell me what you feel.

I don't know how to explain it.

It's just It's amazing.

Okay, yeah, amazing.

- Yeah.

- I love it.

I felt great.

I don't It's hard to explain.

I was just focusing on myself and just

enjoying where I'm at in that moment,

and it worked.

It's crazy.

I'm taking notes.

So was I.

I have a partner that supports that

and supports, like, communication,

and that's what today kind of taught me.

- Go, team.

- Go, team.

It is a lot to kind of

expose yourself on camera,

but it was amazing.

You're paving the way

for many, many women out there.

Yeah. That's kind of

what we keep telling ourselves.

I've sat with many, many parents

who were where your mother was.

I can tell you

that there's no shortage of love.

When you are indoctrinated

in a certain way, you believe so strongly

that you have to protect

your children against that.

I can tell you, though,

often later in life, it gets resolved.

- Yeah.

- By you being happy.

- Don't do it, 'cause I'll do it.

- Sorry.

And if it doesn't,

then at least you're happy.

It's okay. Yeah.

- Exactly.

- At least we're happy.

Yes.

- Okay.

- I think you should relax your body.

Oh, it's so warm.

Yeah.

You're next.

- I'm ready.

- Okay.

Am I nervous? Yes.

Am I scared? More so.

But I can't help but think

that this is a bravery thing. So

Um, that's just what we've been telling

each other throughout this whole thing.