01x05 - Thank the past.

[bunniefuu]

I want to say to everyone,

and this actually includes

any crew that's here,

including even the camera people,

that we're all in the field.

If you have feelings that aren't

your own, don't be worried,

but if you feel heavy

or tired or angry or sad,

let it come through you

and make yourself permeable.

The only time it's difficult

is if we resist it, so don't resist.

Allow it to come through,

and you'll be fine. It'll move through.

You're gonna see.

There's always ways

to optimize your relationship

by being accountable yourself.

Particularly newer relationships,

one aspect in communication

is learning how

to not trigger

somebody else's insecurities

or traumas or things like that.

When you commit to the process,

we can really grow as people,

and we can really become

the next best versions of ourselves.

- I mean, this has been amazing already.

- Yeah.

I'm recognizing so much that

we have in common with all of you.

I think we've been together

the least amount of time.

- Hi, I'm Sera.

- I'm Dash.

And we've been together

for a year and a half.

We'd seen each other

out at, like, q*eer parties.

I wasn't ready to, like, hit on Sera.

I have no problem hitting on somebody,

but, like, I just wasn't quite ready.

But then we had this moment

on the dance floor which

The week later.

When we met and our love was so special,

I was like, "Wow, we really

have to put in the work."

I never saw, like, a q*eer couple

walking around that I could be like,

"Oh, that's, like, what I could be like."

We didn't have that.

I'm really proud

of who we are as a couple.

We both have been married, uh, prior to

being together, and gone through divorces.

You know, for me, I have a tendency,

when things start to feel emotional,

to get really scared,

and I can be a little bit avoidant.

I have a history of doing that,

and I don't want to do that with Sera.

You know, I came to Dash

with, like, a really bad track record.

Like, I was

You know, sex and love addict,

um, left relationships by cheating.

Completely avoidant.

And when we met, I was like,

I'd had a tutor all through school,

why didn't I have a tutor or help in love?

And amazing that you're both

so aware of your stuff so early.

I mean, it's like the old adage about

starting to dig a well

when you're already thirsty.

It's like you guys are

"Let's dig the well now

so that when we get thirsty,

it's there and we have that resource."

That's amazing to see.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

I'm really, really excited for them.

They both know it's time to go deeper.

Right.

We recognize it is still,

you know, honeymoon time.

Mushy-crushy.

- We also know

- I know, the eye contact is mesmerizing.

I was gonna point it out to you.

Sera told me

And this has stuck with me ever since.

She was like, "I get bored easily."

Like, "You better keep it fun."

As a person who, you know, has

a fear of being, like, left, um,

that's scary.

You know, like, what if things

get too hard and she bounces?

I'm obsessed with Sera.

We're both obsessed with each other.

Yours is

clearly not a sex issue.

We adore one another

and are really madly in love.

We haven't made things always work

in the past, in past relationships.

- You don't wanna f*ck it up.

- We don't wanna f*ck it up.

You know, I've been good

at f*cking up in the past.

Yeah. Same.

I feel you. I think we're

I was listening to you like,

"Avoidant, have a hard time

being vulnerable." It's like

I'm sure that

a lot of that comes from my own trauma.

I believe, you know

- We know trauma is passed down.

- Yeah.

Whatever we can learn about

our history or historical lines

that could, like, give us more insight

into, like, who we are as people

and, like, why we feel the way we do,

or maybe have the reactions that we have,

to help us grow more as a couple.

Like, I think that goop can do that for us

and can provide us

with that type of experience.

You know, I can probably be a little

more skeptical to alternative therapy,

uh, but I'm open to it,

and I'd love to see what happens.

My name is Katarina Wittich.

Kato is my nickname,

which is what everybody calls me.

And I'm a Family

Constellations facilitator.

Family Constellations is a group practice

that helps investigate what it is

that's stuck in an individual's life,

and it does it not by talk therapy

or thinking or trying to figure out,

but it does it by using

other members of a group

to represent members

of your family of origin,

so that you can see, literally,

the patterns that led

to you being who you are.

So, the thing about Family Constellations

is it was created by Bert Hellinger,

who was a Jesuit priest, a psychoanalyst,

and he went and he lived with the Zulu

for about 16 years as a missionary.

And in living with them,

he, as a very Western human,

experienced a very different world,

because in the Zulu healing ceremonies,

healing happens in interdependent,

intergenerational group reality.

It doesn't happen just solo.

So he took this experience

that he had and he created this work.

And the way that

that looks is that normally,

we will sit in a circle with

all these people that we call "resonators"

because they're going to be

available to resonate for the client.

Anyone can be a resonator.

We keep all information

away from the resonators.

I and the client are the only two

with the actual information.

Nobody else knows anything

so that they can allow things that

are not their own come through them.

The grand adventure begins.

It's really exciting to be here.

It's really exciting,

Dash and Sera, that you're

so openly willing to start this voyage

that is not like anything else.

I really hope that it will

give you this deep relationship,

and that the main thing

that gets in the way

of our having relationships that flourish

is the patterns that come down

to us through our ancestors,

through our family system,

through our family culture,

and each of us separately has our patterns

that have come down from our family.

So, we're not gonna work

with the two of you together,

because it's all about individuation

so that you can love and connect well.

So, we will do

two separate constellations,

one for each of you.

That said, Dash, are you ready?

Yeah.

Come on.

My parents didn't talk a lot

about our family history growing up.

It would be nice to know

if the patterns that I have

have been handed down from them.

You're going to pick someone

to resonate for you.

Everyone in my family

is avoidant like like me.

I've always been a person that's like,

you gotta kind of earn my trust.

I have a lot of judgment,

the voice inside my head, when you talk

to yourself and you're like, "You idiot."

And I can be very, very hard on myself.

I do feel like that extends probably

to other people, or they pick up on it.

I don't think I really ever understood

the distance that I had from that.

And there's just something

kind of underlying.

When you pick your person

who's gonna resonate for you,

you can pick and choose

anyone of the group.

So, just feel into, in your body,

how it would feel to be in the world

the way you'd like to be.

Dash wanted very clearly to get rid

of these criticisms in their head.

And we don't say mean things

to ourselves for no reason.

We say mean things to ourselves

because it's a survival strategy.

It helps Dash stay separate,

not get too immersed in an other.

So, Dash put their hands

on their resonator,

and they felt into what it would feel like

in their body to just feel

how Dash experiences the world.

So, what are you feeling, Soo Hyun?

Wow, like

I wanna get a little grounded,

'cause I feel like everything's going up.

Like everything's going up.

So, it's like just trying

to sort of find my feet again.

Like, a lot of everything is happening,

feels like it's here.

Like, it's like a flickering,

a constant energy,

a lot of energy flow right across here,

but it feels so concentrated.

So even when I close or open it,

it's hard for me

to feel the rest of my body.

Yeah.

This sounds familiar? Yes.

Yeah.

I tried to not put

too much thought into who I picked.

I felt like whatever's

meant to happen was gonna happen,

and I just kinda went to her.

And then I sat down,

and she said a couple of things,

and it really tripped me out.

I could right away tell that,

like, that's She was me.

We put in Dash's resonator,

who immediately showed

the discomfort, the lack of safety.

So, we knew, "Okay, we know exactly"

"This person is showing us exactly

how it is for Dash in the world."

So

So, let's have you

pick someone to be your mom.

Resonators, they have absolutely

no idea which family member they're being,

so they can't shape things by knowing.

So, do you notice that person, Soo Hyun?

Yeah, there's definitely,

like, heat and tingling.

Well, I feel I must avert my eyes.

I feel I must keep my chin up.

My job is to make sure no one affects me.

- Yeah.

- No one's gonna affect me.

So, I feel kind of sorry for you

that you need that.

And what happens

when she says that, Angie?

Well

I feel humiliated,

because she feels sorry for me.

I didn't think that was really

Like, why would anyone feel sorry for me?

So, what's really clear

is her sense of unsafety as well, right?

So, I think we need to put

her mother in behind her.

The greatest mystery

of Family Constellations

is what I call the field.

I call it the field because

I need one word to talk about it,

and it needs to be easy.

I have no idea what it is.

I only know it works.

As a resonator,

you don't know what the facts are,

so they can't shape things by knowing.

And what happens is feelings come

through you that are not your own.

So, what's happening for you, Angie?

Do you feel that person who came in?

Even though I was more upset,

I actually feel better

with more connection,

and I keep thinking I'm put together.

If I can just stay put together,

you know, maybe I can be okay

with a little more connection.

Relate that also to how, for you,

there's that needing to control the panic.

She's basically saying the same thing,

the needing to control the panic,

then she can have connection.

But, so we're already seeing,

sort of, an origin of it in her

One hundred percent.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

In that moment, what the mother was doing

was exactly what Dash does.

Controlling things,

making sure it was okay,

not being okay with being

fully present and not protecting.

So, then we know that

if a mother feels unsafe

and has to control like that,

that something happened to her.

Well, don't laugh at me.

Maybe I'll agree to sit down,

but that doesn't mean I'm make-believing.

So, we put in

the mother of Dash's mother.

That mother sure didn't act like a mother.

Like, right from the start,

that mother acted like a little kid,

which indicates that

the trauma happened really young,

that something happened

really young that was not okay.

What do you do

with a kid to try to figure out

what's happening, why they're like that?

You put in their mother,

and you see

what happens with their mother.

So, Ava, what are you feeling?

I

I'm not feeling a lot of emotions

towards anyone, because I just

I don't feel like I'm in it.

Like, I just feel like I'm above it.

It's obvious that something

That there was still something behind.

And we actually put in

their mother and father.

I want I want him.

- You want him?

- Mm-hmm.

I feel like I'm losing them.

Yeah.

Like I Like I can't

- You're losing them.

- I've lost. I'm losing.

- There's lost feelings around him.

- Yeah.

Starting to go kind of down

my maternal line was just

really eye-opening.

I don't know anything about my grandma,

really, when she was young,

and I'm now witnessing

her with her parents.

My great-grandparents' coming out.

It just doesn't feel right.

I don't even like the way she's sitting.

Mm. Yeah, look at that.

Seeing them sort of

distance themself a little bit from her,

that just started to give

additional information about these people,

building on these little bits

and pieces that I've known,

that really put things

in a different perspective.

And what are you doing there?

I think she's all f*cked up.

Like, I need to Yeah, I need to be away.

Really toxic.

I don't even want to hear them talking.

So, I'm over here.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

- She needs to get up and get out of there.

Right.

Right.

Then I don't have a mom.

Yeah.

I'm not really a mom.

If I'm remembering correctly,

both of them almost died during childbirth.

Because there was something that went wrong

during the birth.

Do you know,

since she almost died giving birth to her

Do you know

whether there was a separation?

Do you know what happened after that?

Was she hospitalized?

Yeah, I mean, likely. Yeah.

- I mean, it fits the picture. But Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

Dash said, you know, "That mother

and baby almost died in pregnancy."

And that, for me,

was the piece that flows through,

straight through to Dash,

because there's no greater trauma

than almost dying giving birth

and having your baby almost die.

So, it may be that

all of this anxiety, hyper-vigilance,

just comes from this simple fact that

that mother and baby almost died.

Once that started to change, other things

down the road started to change.

And that's how it works.

How would it feel to look at Miven

and say, "You're my daughter"?

You're my daughter.

"And my mental illness

is my mental illness."

"You don't have to carry it."

And my mental illness

is my mental illness.

You don't have to carry it.

The ability to be in relationship,

the ability to stand in yourself and

love someone else and see them clearly

is dependent on you feeling

safe enough to see outside of yourself.

The possibility that opened up for Dash

is for Dash to no longer

carry this family pattern.

So, we're gonna do a closing circle.

Feel like you guys are gonna need

an exorcism from my family out of your

So, we thank Dash for bringing

their family system into the field,

and we bow to the wisdom of the field,

and we leave the past where it belongs,

supporting us, behind us,

and we turn and

we move forward into the future.

Yay!

You know, in my life, I've had a, sort of

It's felt like an innate

wanting to run away from emotion.

So this line I'm witnessing and getting

to step out and watch with everybody,

this, um, this sort of

keeping each other at a bit of a distance,

and not being able

to really hold each other,

and, um, and comfort one another

It just totally Like, I see it.

I see it really clearly,

and I see how it affected

in a way that I hope to break,

because I want that closeness with people.

Mm-hmm.

- That's that's the future.

- Mm-hmm.

I think one of the big problems is that

people aren't conscious

of the patterns they're repeating.

When people get educated

around, uh, what patterns

they pick up from their parents,

they often have

huge "aha" moments, right?

So, we get a series of imprints

from our upbringing,

and specifically, we get an imprint

from how we were first loved.

- Oh boy.

- Yes.

Then, you are either going

to rebel against that or want that.

Right. Whether it's We experience it,

positively or negatively.

Or negatively.

In Family Constellation work,

you get to see it,

examining what your parents did,

looking at previous relationships

and how they ended or what played out.

And so over time, you can really

understand what you're doing.

- Yes.

- Which is really, really amazing.

How did you get into this work?

So, I'm one of those children, you know,

who really needed to know everything,

understand everything, and I come from

a very intellectual, very rational family.

But I knew that

I was hurting all the time.

So I started looking for,

"How do I have a better life?"

And I knew someone

who kept bugging me and saying,

"Ah, Kato, you gotta come

see this amazing work."

And I went and I watched a constellation

in which a complete stranger

echoed in somebody's family

a twin brother and a death

and all these things

that they couldn't have ever known.

And that was it. It was just like,

"Okay. I don't know what that is,

but I have to know what that is."

And I started going

to constellations and resonating,

and every time I resonated,

I could feel myself change.

I decided I have to learn how to do this,

partly, because I'm such a skeptic

that I don't trust anything

anyone else does,

and I am less "woo-woo" than every

constellations facilitator that I've met.

So, for me,

my doubt quotient had to be fulfilled.

I had to know there was no manipulation,

and the only way I could know that

was if I was actually running it myself.

So, are you ready?

Yeah. I'm excited.

Growing up, my dad had an affair.

My mom and dad just split.

I sort of became my mom's main focus,

and, you know, I am her whole world,

and there's a lot of pressure

that goes along with that.

Pick a resonator,

bring them and put them in the field.

Put your hands on their shoulders

and really feel it in your body

how that would feel,

to be inhabiting your goal.

Okay.

So, before I was definitely

sort of, like, a love monster.

My relationships

I would, you know, start a relationship,

it would be really amazing,

and I would just sort of get caught up.

I could just have some weird affair,

and then all of a sudden

I was, like, out

and they had no idea.

I mean, I, like, loved

being in love or infatuation,

or being, like, obsessed or like

And I think it came from my childhood.

I mean, I'm just sort of happy being here.

I, kind of, don't need I don't

I just don't need to interact

if I don't have to, you know?

- But I can feel everything. You know?

- Mm-hmm.

So, in Sera's constellation,

it was fascinating,

because I've actually

never had this situation

where a couple were working and picked

the same resonator to be themselves.

When I chose the woman to play me,

I just, like, had this, like, feeling of,

like, wanting to go straight towards her.

I didn't know why I did it. It was

just, like, this out-of-body experience.

Would you be willing to, you know,

just take a look behind you

and see what it feels like

to see the people that are there?

And that changes your hands.

Now your hands are doing, like, fists.

I'm wondering what everyone's thinking.

Like, I feel very, like

Is everyone okay?

Like, they look so serious.

Like, everyone has such different moods.

It's just a lot, you know?

So, it does make me

a little bit more, like,

unsteady.

And Soo Hyun was very different,

did not have the same

physical reactions at all.

There was this real

just wanting to stay in in that state,

and then you can't stay in that state.

So

So, I put in her mother.

I expected that

this was going to show us a lot.

So, just think of that person.

Sera picked Bryce to be her mother,

which was a very interesting choice.

I think, less about gender, me personally,

than because she felt something in Bryce

that reminded her not of her external

mother, but her internal mother.

I think her mother is

a very active person in the world,

but I think she picked the sadness.

I think she felt Bryce carries

a sadness that we can see.

So, I think she put Bryce in for that.

As I stepped into the field

and I was feeling Sera's hands on me,

what I could see was

me going down this tunnel.

It's a dark tunnel, and I can see

light at the end of the tunnel.

And I want to stay focused

on that light and not look at her.

So, it's almost like

there's a way out of here,

and it's straight down the Down.

So, the light

is calling to you or the Uh-huh.

- Yes.

- Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

How do you feel when she looks at you?

Do you feel anything?

I feel a softening.

When she turned and looked at me,

um, interestingly enough,

the sunlight really lit her face up,

and it was that light calling to me.

So, I felt lighter by looking at her.

Uh-huh.

She's the light now.

When Bryce said,

"She's the light now,"

it felt so familiar to the way that my mom

always made me the center of her world.

So, we don't know exactly,

but this looks like it resonates for you

quite a bit as an image.

- Yeah.

- Yep.

Just seems like

could be a little bit of a burden.

It's a very nice thing to say,

so thank you.

But it's just like,

uh, a lot of attention.

It's a lot.

That's a big burden, to be the light.

And it wasn't going to go

a whole lot further.

So, it was time to put in Sera's dad.

Do you feel that person?

- Yes.

- No.

- No.

- No.

Uh-huh.

And, Soo Hyun, do you?

Yeah, I definitely feel her.

But there's, like, an agitation to it,

so I'm, like, worried about her.

Uh-huh.

I'm really interested

in any direction except for this one.

- Uh-huh.

- Really curious about what's behind me.

You're curious

about what's behind you. Uh-huh.

I could look at them for a long time.

I don't feel very emotional.

I feel like an observer or

In some ways, this is how so much

your dad is always looking in the affairs

for other people, for other something.

Some something. Yeah.

I don't

I don't want her here, actually.

Yeah.

It's almost like

she's invading this space.

I was just beginning to enjoy her company,

and then this one comes along

and steps in.

And now, she's kind of

pushing me around, and

- It just

- Yeah.

- You'd rather have it be just you two.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah.

Sera picked Jessica to be her dad,

and she was not interested

in this mushy female business

of family and having to,

you know, pay attention to all of that.

She was interested in that row

of very interesting resonators behind her

where maybe she could pick and choose

who to have an affair with

and what would spark her interest,

you know?

You know, I think there's

something fun and provocative,

but I think underneath it is this kind of

I don't like being analyzed.

You don't like

- I'm sure that's true.

- I really wanna

I like I got room.

- Uh-huh.

- This territory.

Uh-huh.

I feel a little like prowling.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It became clear to Sera

that she can see herself

where she has allegiance to her father,

where she goes and does those affairs,

not as something terrible,

but as a misguided way of staying alive.

So, I could feel that Sera had received

what she needed to receive

around her father,

but nothing more was happening there.

So it was clear to me

we need to go back to the mom.

We put in the grandmother and grandfather.

And Angela, what's happening for you?

- I feel overwhelmed by Bryce.

- You just feel overwhelmed.

And I have this feeling like,

why does anybody become a family?

Like, it's something like that.

Like, it's just too hard.

Yeah.

I feel like she's,

uh, mourning something.

Yeah, she's in a state of mourning.

Grieve She's grieving something.

- Yeah.

- And

I feel sorry for her.

Bryce, would you be willing

to try sitting down in front of them

and see how it feels?

Putting Bryce in

the appropriate position as a child

to his mother's need

for him to carry her suffering.

Watching her grieve from here is

It's twice as hard.

It's harder for me too.

I now feel somewhat, like, nauseous.

Before, it was just lamenting,

but now it's, like, worse.

I'm just burdened by her grief.

I just wanna pour all this into you.

Ah.

I want to pour all this into you and I

I feel like you

You are helping me.

Like, I could just

keep pouring it into you.

When I saw Angela,

seeing the amount of grief

that she inflicted on my mom,

just really It was very eye-opening.

I want you to carry my grief.

I want you to

I don't wanna ruin your life with it,

but, like, maybe you can do

something with it better than I could.

It feels better to give it to you.

Bryce?

My body's trembling.

Yes.

It's literally trembling.

Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I will often give the actual person

something very heavy to carry.

It helps the nervous system to know

this is really what you're doing.

So I gave that to Bryce, and it was like,

"Oh my God. This burden of grief."

And as soon as I did that, you'll notice,

then she could really just push.

She was, like, all over the

Just pouring

the grief out on him for him to carry.

Well, that grief has been

channeling through to Sera her whole life.

Yeah. I feel like

saying that too right now.

I feel like he shouldn't

be listening to this, actually.

This is toxic right here, for me.

And I feel like

I'm almost getting a massage now.

You don't need to carry anything from her.

You don't need to carry that bag.

I even feel like carrying the bag for you,

but I know that would be bad too.

Yes.

Put it down. Put it down.

I don't know how to put it down.

That's the problem. It was put on me.

Yes.

Yeah, and she's really powerful,

this one that put it on you. Yeah?

Ah!

Yeah. Yeah.

So, just feel what you're feeling

in your body, Bryce. Stay with it.

- I want to stand up with this weight.

- Go. Go. Go.

There's no way to Me

There's no way for me

to sling this on her.

So, say to her, "Mom. I'm giving you

your grief back. I'm putting it on you."

I'm giving you your grief back.

This is not for me to carry.

And you have to take this from me.

It's getting heavier.

I can't stand here forever.

I was willing to k*ll you

to save myself.

But I didn't want to k*ll you.

But once I could get it off me,

I just felt like

I couldn't stop getting it off.

And I And I am real

I am sorry for that.

I want to jet out of here now

and I want to go

So, go where you want.

Let's see how it feels

to go where you want to go.

Ha!

She's been carrying that grief

for her mother,

because she's the light

at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you.

My grandma, who was, like,

constantly contemplating suicide,

my mom said that she would come in

and she was trying to k*ll herself.

You know, 'cause it was

just that sort of, like, dark,

and my mom just, like,

carried that heaviness.

And my mom actually

hasn't even told me how dark it is.

Recently, I'm kind of starting

to put some pieces together

of just how hard it was

for my mom as a child.

But because I'm an only child,

the focus was more on me

and not her past. And, um

And not just

because you're an only child,

because you're the light

at the end of the tunnel.

Yeah. Totally.

She doesn't want to follow

the pattern she's had in her life

of exiting relationships

by having an affair and going.

The focus that her mother has had on her

her whole life, where she's

going to be, sort of, the answer

Because it's the only place

her mother could make okayness

in a difficult marriage,

in a difficult life.

And it was a huge burden.

So, she gives herself away to people,

and then she's trapped just like her dad.

And then she has to leave.

That was the key

to that piece of trauma in Sera's family

that came through Sera's grandmother,

to Sera's mother, to Sera,

this enormous grief that nobody wanted

that had to be accepted by

the person who had it in the first place.

What is your advice for people?

If this feels resonant, understanding

that they want to explore or heal,

or, you know,

take their relationship to the next level?

So, for a relationship to work,

a solid base is super important,

and it's starting

early in the relationship.

On one end,

you need to work on your own patterns.

Then you have to learn how to catch

that pattern with the other person.

So, it takes quite a bit of work

for the sake of the relationship.

I think it's the internal experience

and really knowing yourself and knowing

who you are and what's true for you and

This is something

that will not only serve you,

but your partner, your children,

your community, your family.

I think a lot of couples will look

for therapy and will look for ways to heal

a lot of times in the relationship

when it's too late.

You know, it's towards the end.

And family, and family history

is such a huge part of who we are,

so if you can really connect with it

and then share that with your partner

and then you can have

this experience together, I feel like

Because when you're in a couple,

you're essentially making a new family,

so you don't want

to just, like, repeat the past.

You want to make a new future

and a new family with them.

Thank the past, but just move forward.

- Totally.

- So, that's what feels really special.

When you can both be "who I am,"

then you can have a very long time

of constant discovery.

It's only, like,

when you give yourselves away

- Yeah.

- that that stops being able to happen.

But if you stay, you're here, you're here

and we love, you can go on forever.

- All right.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- Thank you so much.

It's been four months

since we did the constellation.

The experience is now

part of our foundation as a couple.

The greatest sense of relief

is being able to let go of things

that I thought were my issues.

Like, these were things

that were handed down

that at one point served a purpose,

and no longer serve me

as a person in the world.