02x08 - Darby

[bunniefuu]

So, this is where
the magic happens.

By which I mean sudoku.

Oh, wow.

- That's a lot of love seats.
- Yeah.

I think you can never have
too many love seats, so...

- I hope not.

I've just been getting
the house together,

buying furniture,
uh, making art.

Actually, I've been
getting into this movement

called "freebuilding."

It's, uh, making
sculptures out of leftover

construction material.

- So I just kind of let my hands tell me where to hammer.
- Mm.

So you just let your hands go

wherever the hell
you want, don't you?

Yep. And so, how about...
This is a pretty cool color,

don't you think?

Mm.

Someone left a can
of Benjamin Moore

at my site in Woburn.

They did? That's
so silly of them.

Super high quality.

Very popular shade.
October Mist, it's called.

- Moody.
- Yeah.

It's a green that makes
everything look better.

Like your eyes.

- Oh, thank you.

And this piece, wow.

You know, it's,
like, very masculine,

but then...

like, all of a
sudden very feminine.

It's sensual, this...

- It's my mom.
- Oh.

So, I sculpted
it based on the memory

of her taking care of my grandma

when she was in hospice.

Yeah, I could see that.

It's really good.

Sam, are you, are you okay?
Are you drunk right now?

I'm not drunk.

And you are not married anymore.

Did you Uber here
from your mom's?

- That must have been so expensive.
- I live with Brit now.

Wait, so you're, you're-you're
going back to Brit's after this?

Joel, it's okay.

Is it okay, though?

Are we gonna have sex or not?

Maybe we should... Maybe
we finish the tour first?

I want to go home now.

I'm sorry.

Do you want to hold my hand

for a couple minutes
or something?

We don't have to, like,
intertwine fingers.

It'd be like a handshake
hold, like, like mittens.

- No.
- No?

Well, you know, my, my
therapist Alan would say...

I actu... I don't know what,
I don't know what he would say

right now, but you have someone

you can talk to, right?

Sure.

Oh, hey, party person.
You got in late.

: Oh. Sorry.

- Felicia.
- Hmm?

- You got a customer.
- Oh, crap.

I booked a flirty-vixen
pole class.

Not today.

All right.

Make the money, make the
money, make the money. Okay.

Mrs. Fink.

- Carol.
- Yes.

I'll never get used to that.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing here?

How does it work here?
How does one begin?

Oh, you want me
to cut your hair?

I just thought you always
went to Phillipe Trailleur,

or whatever his name
is, on Newbury Street.

Yeah, I'm thinking let's
mix it up a little bit.

Maybe I'll date, maybe I won't.

Who knows? You know,
do a little zhuzh.

Isn't that what you kids say?

Yeah, I would zhuzh
you, for sure.

- But what happened to Bob?
- No Bob.

- Oh.
- So, look,

I brought you these, uh, photos.

- Okay, you thinking you want to do the pixie or the shag?
- Combo.

- Okay, these are, like, wildly different haircuts.
- No.

These are vibrant women
who seem intelligent.

- Okay, so you want the bang?
- God, no.

God... Okay. But
you like the...

Length.

And the layers
framing your face?

- That is not me.
- Okay, but,

- what is it you like?
- How long it is.

Okay.

Okay, so what you're
telling me is that

you want the exact same
haircut you have now,

- just a half-inch shorter?
- This could work.

- We got it, all right?
- Mm-hmm.

There she is.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Careful with the patient.

She's only here for two days.

The doctor barely
cleared her to come.

It's fine. I'm fine.

The doctor said take it easy.

You need to avoid all stressors.

- You made it.
- Of course.

- Okay. Okay.
- Wow. Wow!

Yep, did the happy
part. What's up?

Nothing. Cool party.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's great. I'm so
excited to see you.

And the baby looks
good in there.

- I'm glad.
- Yeah.

Did you sleep in those clothes?

Huh? Of course not.
These are my day-jamas.

You know? It's a... it's a thing.

- It's becoming a thing.
- Sam.

- What?
- I will turn this baby shower into a meeting

if you don't tell
me what's going on.

There's nothing going on.

I just had a-a weird
week, that's all.

Did you drink?

No, no, I didn't drink.

But you came close, right?

Well...

Okay, what's happening
with finding a new sponsor?

Who have you called?

Um...

- Sam...
- No, no, I...

- I just, I've been really busy.
- Uh-huh.

Seriously, like, they gave
me a lot more responsibility

-at Hit Pause. I cover Revere now.
-Mm.

And Needham and
Dedham and Spreadham.

Okay, I'm going to introduce
you to the best person I know.

My sponsor.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Let's go meet Darby.

Okay, so she's technically
your grand sponsor,

but do not call her that.

- She thinks that it ages her.
- Okay.

Oh, interesting.

So this one actually
smells like a diaper.

I wonder what they
put in the chocolate.

Is that her?

Yeah. Is there a problem?

No. She seems... cool.

Is she eating poop
out of a diaper?

Oh, yeah. She's
totally insane.

Aw...

Look how cute.

Right, this
onesie's from Sandra.

And since it's my future
godchild's special day,

we won't be
discussing my thoughts

on woke capitalism.
Thanks, Sandra.

Thank you.

- Darby, no!

Yes! Oh, my God, can you believe
they still sell giant panties

- at the place by Dollywood?
- No.

Okay, after our
freshman year at Smith,

we went on this little road trip
together to see the country.

It was more about doing
every drug imaginable

in gross motels than seeing
the country, but whatever.

So we're driving down 95,
and I saw what I thought

was a floating dog.

And I'm like, "Uh-oh,
she's on dorm room peyote."

And she gets out to pet the dog.

Yeah.
- And it turns out

it's just the sign for this
random underwear store.

Yeah, so there's this,
like, really angry dude...

I know, but remember he had
the Jodie Foster tattoo?

- So we... I felt like we were safe.
- Yeah.

He loved us so much, he gave
us each a pair of panties

- with a rottweiler on it.

Oversized canine
panties from Darby.

Not sure how the
baby will wear them,

but that's funny.

It can be used as a swaddle.

- It's a swaddle.
- Yes.

That's the last gift, everyone.

- Thank you all for coming.

Thank you, I have
missed you all so much.

So, Olivia tells me we're
going to be working together.

Oh, yeah, I-I guess
we are. I'm Sam.

- Yeah. I'm Darby.
- Right.

I was conceived in an Arby's

with the help of
a man named Dan.

My mother loved wordplay.

Funnily enough, she's
also an alcoholic.

I think my mom
just picked my name

out of a book of
Jewish girl names,

so it's not as interesting.

- True story.
- Sorry, what?

Your story's not as interesting.

-You guys are connecting. Hi.

Did Darby tell you she
has 20 years sober?

I have 20 years sober.

I loved rum and cocaine.

If you want, you can check
out my dissolved septum.

You can put your
fingertips through it.

I don't need to do that.

It's essentially like a
razor-thin slice of ginger

at a fancy sushi
restaurant. Try it.

- Isn't that crazy?
- It's so gross. - It's very gross.

I love that.
- Very cool.

Okay, so, a little
bit more about me.

The program saved
my life at age 20.

I've never even
had a legal drink.

And then Darby saved my life.

She got me out of a
bottle and into a meeting.

Great.

I love this. Keep going.

Sam, tell her your story.

What, right now?

- Just do it.
- Okay.

- Well, I got sober about...
- Where's your gift?

'Cause I didn't see Mindy
write anything down.

I didn't... I didn't bring one.

- Huh.
- 'Cause, you know, the baby's

not even born yet.
And it's like,

how can you get a gift for
someone you don't know?

Well, you just go to a
store and you buy a gift.

And then if you feel weird about
it, you can get a gift receipt

or you can switch the
tags on the present table.

Sometimes I do
that. Cute jammies.

- Yeah, thanks.
- Do you want to go shopping?

- Now? Uh...
- Yeah.

So, how do you
like your sessions?

You like a little chitchat?

Do you want to talk
about the new season

of The Real
Housewives of Atlanta?

I don't know that show.

You know what,

it's too much to
catch you up on.

But, uh, we can do this
thing where you tell me

all your problems and
I don't say anything,

and that's called "hair-apy."

I'll take quiet. Thank you.

Got it.

- How's Samantha?
- Huh?

Samantha. How is she?

Is she still... at Brit's?

Is she with the boyfriend?

Got it. All right. That's
why you came to see me.

Sam is...

First of all, she's safe.

She is still employed.

And she seems pretty happy.

She's happy?

In what ways is she happy?

Maybe you should call
her for more information.

I don't think she will pick up.

I'm going to Friends
and Family meetings.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I'm gonna fix whatever it is

everyone thinks is wrong
with me.

I don't know

how to repair things
with Samantha.

For example,

it appears it was a mistake
to read her Fourth Step.

Did you know about that?

The diary thing?

Technically, no.

It is a list of your
resentments that you write out

so you can let them go.

Sounds like you
really know what's up.

I do now.

I don't...

think she's going to
let me make that right.

What do you think that'll take?

One of us has to apologize.

I...

guess that's me.

Do you agree with that though?

Because it really
is a two-way street.

Listen, Carol, you screwed up.

It was your fault, you know?

And sometimes, as a mom,

you just got to learn
to take the "L."

What's the "L"?

The loss.

And that's enough
haircut for today.

Oh.

I didn't do the...

- You got my cape on!

And these are made from ostrich.

Oh. Do you know how
the ostrich was raised?

I assume like any other ostrich.

That's not good enough.

That could mean anything.

I kind of, uh, thought

this would be more of,
like, a mall situation.

What the hell are you gonna buy
a baby at the mall?

Right.
Yeah. Silly me.

No, don't get me wrong.

I have nothing against malls.

I love anywhere people shop.

It's just older stuff
has better energy.

There's life in it.

When I buy something wrapped
in plastic, it's like,

- "Do you want to put a g*n to my head?"
- No.

But you get it.

Right?

Like, this is a liminal space.

It's... sacred.

It's transformational.

It's...

mm, shamanistic.

So, let's talk
about your sobriety.

Here?

Yeah. No one's listening.

The flow of people
here, it's like a river.

We're just two little
frogs basking on the bank.

I'd really rather do
this where there aren't

Dust Bowl baby
dolls staring at me.

Do you want my help or not?

Look, it's just a story.

It's probably not
even that good.

- I mean, it's not not good.
- Look,

I am going to need you to
tell me something interesting.

That's why I got into this
game. I mean, if you're just

a boring person, we
might not be a match.

- I'm not a boring person.
- Okay.

- I'm not.
- Great.

All right, fine.

Get this... I just
ditched a 24/7 funeral

so I could try to bang my ex,

who has less than a year sober.

And he turned me down anyway.

And then, when that didn't work,

I took a 40-minute
Uber to my other ex,

who is currently going through
a divorce with my best friend.

Yeah. And I'm living on her
couch right now. For free.

'Cause I had to move out of
my mom's house, 'cause she's

a crazy person. And
I have a boyfriend

who's none of the people
that I just mentioned.

And we're in a fight.

So...

- Yikes.
- What should I do?

I don't know. What do
you think you should do?

- I don't know.
- I don't either.

- It's confusing.
- Isn't this your job?

I think it's your job, actually.

What do you want to do?

I don't know. Do you
think I should, like,

tell my boyfriend about
everything that I did?

If I knew, I would tell you.
But I'm not Brené Brown.

- Well, should I tell my friend?
- Why?

Because you're afraid that
she'll kick you off her sofa?

- Okay, so I shouldn't tell her.
- Well, I'm not saying that.

I mean, would you rather
that your friend hear it

- from the guy?
- Okay, so I should tell her?

Honey, I don't know.

I'm literally just, like,
looking at boots.

Oh, my God, Sam.

- A bag of spells.
- Mm!

Babies love that sh*t.

- Oh, wow.
- Such a good gift.

Yeah.

Wait, what?

Nothing-nothing happened.

He was classic Joel
about all of it.

But I did go there to try

to make something happen,
if that makes sense.

No. It doesn't make sense.

You tried to hook up with Joel,

but you didn't,

so, ultimately,
nothing happened?

Why are you telling me this?

It sucks that I know this.

Well, I just thought that...

And why would you
tell me at work?

I just pulled a Tic
Tac out of a kid's ear.

This is my break!

Don't you have,
like, eight journals?

Why don't you just write
in one of those next time?

- That's a good idea, actually.
- And you know what?

I wish you had
hooked up with Joel,

because then I could feel
good about feeling mad.

What is this corgi doing?

Stop.

Hi.

Hey.

I have the 20 bucks I owe you.

Ooh! Thanks.

It sucks that
Damian only accepts

traveler's checks and barters,

but his spells are very good,

- so...
- Mm.

- I bet.
- Hey.

You want to...

rap about the Lord?

How'd everything go?

No, I don't want to sit.

It went terribly.

Hmm.

Yeah. Hmm.

I just really hurt my friend.

Damn.

You know, I think what
might have happened is that

you came to me, a human,

instead of consulting
your higher power.

- I forget, did you...

Have you told me what is
your higher power, Sam?

Who or what do you talk to

when, you know,
you're in trouble?

No one. I don't
have a higher power.

Well, no. I mean, you've
been in the program

for, what, well over a year?

- E-Everybody's got something.

Yeah, well, not me. Sorry.

No, you have... something, Sam.

I know you do.

So what is it? I'm asking you...

My dad, okay? I...

think about what my dad
would tell me to do, I guess.

Oh.

Well, again, human, so...

He's dead!

Everyone's got a dead dad, Sam.

: Are... you kidding me?

- Your higher power is shopping.
- No.

That's not what my
higher power is.

But that's not what
we're talking about.

Sam,

- humans...

people will inevitably
always let you down.

It is why you have
to find something

that is bigger...

than us.

You just...

Yeah, well, uh, thanks, Darby.

Good to see you.

Oh. Okay.

Well, slide into
my DMs or whatever.

- Keep coming back.
- Bye. Thank you.

Hi.

Hi!

Look, I'm sorry this
is a little late.

Darby insisted the baby
would like a bag of spells.

: Oh, yeah.

Went through a real Wiccan
phase our freshman year.

Honestly...
all that incense

is why I think my
voice is so deep.

I guess I have to give
that one to Darby then.

But?

But I'm-I'm sorry,

but what do you see in her?

I mean, if she is the
sponsor to end all sponsors,

why does she kind of... suck?

Do you think she kind of sucks
because she doesn't tell you

- what you want to hear?
- No, she doesn't tell me anything.

At least with you, it was,
you know, "Don't drink.

I know you want to
drink. Don't drink."

With Darby, all I get is,

"I don't know, Sam. What
do you think you should do?

"Oh, yeah, that's
pretty confusing.

What do you want to do?"

Sam, you have two years

- and Darby has... 20.

You can trust her.

But don't you think
she's, like...

You know? Does she care at all?

- - No. Darby doesn't
care about your feelings,

because alcohol doesn't
care about your feelings.

I...

I think I just really wanted to
need all of this a little less.

You know?

Feel normal or something.

Normal isn't for people like us.

Sam, you're a drunk.

I'm a drunk.

Everyone's a drunk drunk.

And we all need something

bigger than we are
to get through this.

This-this better not be
a Karate Kid situation

where I have to clean her car.

'Cause I am quite sure

it is full of red lipstick
and Taco Bell wrappers.

Oh, it definitely is.

I get so hungry
when I'm in there.

Carol. Hi.

- Here.
- My cape.

- Yeah.
- It's my favorite, so...

thank you.

Um...

I want to talk to you.

We have unfinished business.

Yeah.

I know you think I
probably overstepped

and you're not thrilled with me,

but, you know,
that's nothing new.

- What does that mean?
- I mean,

Sam and I weren't the
easiest kids to deal with,

and you've never been
my biggest cheerleader.

I don't... cheer.

Right.

I guess I just always thought
you blamed me for Sam.

I blamed you

for the getting home late

and the drinking.

But my daughter's an alcoholic,

and I know that now.

So I blame her.

No, I don't.

No. Mm.

I don't blame her,

because that's blame shifting.

Um, can I blame the disease?

Mm, uh, can you?

- I don't know.
- I don't know.

Doesn't matter.

I didn't like you when you were
a shitty little teen, Felicia.

But I respect the hell
out of you as a mother.

Thank you.

It's the hardest
job in the world.

Yeah, Zack almost k*lled me when
he was the last in his class

to be potty-trained.

And you did it all on your own.

- Pretty much. Yeah.
- Mm.

Yeah, I know...

something of what that's like.

David went away for a
while when Sam was a baby.

- Oh, I didn't know that.
- Yeah.

He went to New York

and he played with
the Philharmonic

and, um, was gone
for months and...

I was not a great single mom.

I couldn't figure out naps

and the bottles.

And I yelled at her.

I once left Sam in a cart

at the Stop & Shop.

I just left her.

And the manager had to chase
me out into the parking lot.

This is something
you would never do.

I actually did
that at a CVS once.

You're a great mom.

We listen to way
too much true crime

for you to not answer a
single one of my... texts.

Do you want to go have dinner?

Oh, hey... Oh.

- Damn it, you are not my sandwich.
- Hey, so I have

been beating myself up all day,

- and I was like, "You know what..."
- Joel.

- Joel.
- No, I-I have to do this. Um...

A thing happened with Sam.

Here's the thing though...
It also didn't happen,

- which was...
- Yeah.

I know. I've already
heard this today.

- You have?
- Yeah. Sam told me.

Sorry, why do you
both feel the need

to come here to tell me things?

I don't know. I... It...

It feels kind of
like I'm supposed to?

We're divorced. We can move on.

Go. Fly.

Okay.

You know, the thing is though

you still haven't even
signed the divorce papers.

I'm fine to move on.

Just let me know when
you want to do it.

If you even do.

Sorry I wasn't your
sandwich, by the way.