04x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

Oh good evening everybody
welcome along to Would I Lie to You the

show that celebrates the art of
lying on Lee Macks team tonight

it's the strong-willed feminine one from Dragon's
Den, no not Peter Jones, it's Deborah Meaden

and the thinking woman stand up
as long as that woman is thinking

he looks like he needs a
decent meal it's Mark Watson

and on David mitchell's team the most famous
man to come out of Ireland other than bob geldof

Bono Liam Neeson Spike Milligan
Pierce Brosnan Terry Rogan Jack Charlton

and that little fella with a long
beard in the big hat it's patrick guilty

and underground overground
wombling free uh we did offer

him a car but he insisted on making
his own way it's bernard cribbings

well we'll uh we'll start of course with round one
home truths where our panelists each read out a

statement from the card in front of them to make
things harder they've never seen the card before

so they got no idea what they'll be faced with
it's up to the opposing team to sift the fact

from the fiction and patrick kilty
is up first patrick please reveal all

I once punched muhammad ali in
the face wow wow wow blimey o'reilly

what what when I would say what early 2004 ish
you punched muhammad ali right in the chops

why we were in a hotel
room together and we had we

um I I was asked to come and meet him in
his room you were asked to come and why

the hell were you asked to come and meet
me muhammad mohammed wanted to meet me

his wife was there and his manager and and
I asked for a picture muhammad mumbled uh

like this and uh that's good mumble what
do you think about the mumble in the jungle

so so he said come on and I
thought he was putting his fists up like

that and I said what did you say and his wife
said he wants you to to punch for the picture

so you did how hard could you punch him well
the thing will show us on David no David this

is never going to be say to you again in showbiz
world just for a minute potential muhammad ali

so um I thought he was going to lean back
for yeah and and he went in I went like that

I caught him right in the
nose just a little bit of blood

and blood yeah in other
words and so what happened

I then hang around long enough and where
was the hotel um yeah where are patches

it was in dublin have you ever fought with
anyone before you just look like you've

kind of he looks a bit useful didn't it no
you did you look like the pretend punch on

David was horrifyingly realistic in fact
yeah that was all in my reaction actually

you've done as much stage
fighting as I have you realized what

it's a fanciful tale um you don't know
it could be a smack of truth for you

deborah I think it's a lie it's the bit when
it's the blood trick it's the blood trick it's

the detail of the blood it's either a brilliant
lie or or no it's probably just a lie okay my

team said she said it's a lie okay patrick hilty
were you telling the truth or you're telling a lie

I'd love to see that bono guy get bono down
get him down now I'm doing muhammad ali

why the hell would he want to see the guy from
celebrity love island I don't get it and we we

did a gig together in dublin a sports event and
and so I introduced him on stage and the next day

he he wanted to see me incredible yes it's true
patrick did once punch muhammad ali in the face

and just nine short months later patrick regained
consciousness uh deborah meaden you're up next

hit pointless putting
them on wasn't it

I recently had my house exercised
after several weird occurrences

spooked me exercised for who
by by a by a priest a priest of what

church oh I don't know there was I I was I was put
on to him by somebody else that had the same the

what happened that made you want an exorcist
was it um ectoplasm or poltergeist or what

no I just that things were moving around
the house furniture was moving I'd go to

bed and get up in the morning and furniture
would be moved and so what procedure did uh

did the man who came to exercise was it
a man that came together it was it was um

how was he dressed I don't know the exact he was
dressed in black out of dog collar and so kinky

now I don't know exactly what he did because
we had to leave the house we spent a bit of

time in the house and then we had to leave
the house can I ask you what they charged

he didn't charge anything really
no it's a good job because if you

couldn't afford to pay the bill they'd
come back and repossess your house

once the priest had performed this
exorcism deborah was there a difference

did it work it felt instantly
different yeah and things things

stopped moving things stopped moving that was
the ghost left the house did it just turn out

so do you believe in ghosts then well I didn't to
be honest I didn't and I wasn't sure it was going

to work but there was definitely something going
on in our house it's worth giving it a try let's

give it a try I would remind you that bernard
has travelled in the t*rd so if anybody here

has knowledge of odd things
going on it means literally

traveled through time and relative dimensions in
space I literally you of course mean fictionally

you have to spoil it don't you you telling
me next the wombles were made up as well

they were wonderful the wombos what
are those guys doing now you've never seen

the moving furniture now the
woman are they maybe it was rumbles

David what are you gonna say oh what do you
think I actually believe in uh that sort of

moving things about so I'm not quite sure perfect
it's true so what are you saying David you think

it's true and do you think it's true yeah
I think it's true I think it's safe to say

the team is united in truth okay deborah were
you telling the truth or were you telling a lie

yes deborah has not had her house exercised after
several weird occurrences uh mark watson you're

next uh when I was six years old I wrote a will
after losing a game of connect four to my dad

sounds plausible enough David you wrote a will
yes uh yes what was uh was it on a proper will

or did you I didn't engage a lawyer no you did
it was just on um that stripey paper you get at

school oh stripey paper well what possessions
did you leave well all I really had was the

connect four set uh and I left it to my dad as
a deliberate act of spike because he'd beaten me

I mean he'd beat me
at connect four days

can you remember how the how you phrased it
in this will so I think I began it but you

know because I've because I've been
beaten at connect four uh there's no

point in living anymore I hereby leave my only
cherished possession I maybe had about sort of

ten pounds or something there were a couple of
other things I think in the world but that was

it wasn't there wasn't much to it
so what was it about this game of

particular game of connect four were you used
to beating your father at connecticut well I

even I don't want to go to details because it
brings back unhappy memories and also people at

home might not know the game but without wanting
to be too technical um he connected four so

uh it was a quite a built-up tournament
you see it was a sort of best of seven

again my dad called it the watson cup
I grew up in quite a competitive family

it was just too much to take really oh it's
horrible it was horrible so you lose at connect

four you throw a bit of a tantrum well you call
it a bit of a tantrum I lost four three from three

one up yeah but presumably you storm upstairs yeah
room yep you take out a fresh sheet of paper yup

you write the bitter will uh yes what do you do
then I thought that my parents would panic think I

was dead become guilty why would they think you'd
stormed upstairs to your bedroom why would they

assume you were dead oh sorry no I went that says
and left it where I knew they would see it yes

they were watching wogan's they were just trying
all right I think it was working young mark watson

how to take his own life don't you
know first chris ria the road to hell

uncanny how did your mom and dad react
um my dad saw through it pretty quickly he

came up the stairs knocked on the
door I said yes and he said I thought not

all right David um what do you think I believe
this you believe it yes um do you believe it

uh I believe it I believe it too he's a very
sensitive child you can tell that yeah now

so David you're basically saying
you think it's true we believe it yeah

mark watson truth
or lie it was true yes

yes it was true when mark was six years old he
wrote a will after losing a game of connect four

to his dad bernard cribbings you're next right
hmm I once sold my wife's car but told her it was

stolen lee what do you think uh when was this
it was about six years ago well quite recently

oh recently yeah it's not like in the early
days when you were hurt for cash no no no

no no no no I was um in a bit of strife with some
gambling debts and uh and I could only do it by

stealing the car and flogging it I got three at
the studio for for jeremy kyles just next week

uh I think I got three and a half grand for it and
how did you how do you explain it to your wife I

told her it was stolen I said it was outside love
I don't know what's happened to where's your car

you said bloody one ba*ls or something does your
wife know that uh no so she will now when she

watches herself she's not watching I won't let
her watch this what have you have you told the

telly glasses

I shall make sure when this is
transmitted that we're out of the house

definitely yes the way you're going
you're gambling you might not have a house

I don't gamble anymore you see I mean that taught
me a lesson that was it that was it off first

but we're trying to decide whether the
esteemed actor and voice over artist bernie

cribbings is actually a gambler a liar
and a borderline crook essentially yeah

it is ill*gal to lie to your wife are you
gonna say lee is bernard cribbins telling

the truth with this bizarre tale of his wife in
the car okay what are we saying I lie I like I

think it's a lie and what you say mark yeah I
think it's a lie cause the alternative is that

caribbeans has got a very dark past we need
it to be alive so bernard truth or lie I am

telling you yes bernard did not sell his wife's
car and then tell her it was stolen uh bernard

and his wife have developed an understanding over
the years he doesn't sell her cars and she doesn't

mention carry on columbus at the end of that round
uh we're even stevens it's two points at peace

and so to our next round uh this is my where
we bring on a mystery guest who has a close

connection to one of our panelists this
week each of lee's team will claim it's

them that has the genuine connection
to the guest and it's up to David's team to

spot who's telling the truth so please
welcome this week's special guest molly

welcome molly so first of all
deborah perhaps you could tell

us how you know molly well this
is molly she came into dragon's den

and she was so nervous that she left after
20 minutes without saying a single word

right okay uh mark what is molly to you uh this
is my friend molly she starred in a m*rder mystery

play which I wrote and directed at school all
right and lee what about you this is molly

she's teaching me to ice skate because I'm
going to be a best man at a wedding on ice

there we have it David over to her right um
well deborah what what was molly coming

into what was her business she was it was uh
sort of eye shades well sunglasses for dogs in

summary and she bought the dog in and it took 10
minutes to settle the dog down and then I think

maybe molly got a bit nervous and so she came up
with the dog the dog's not wearing the sunglasses

I'm I'm simplifying it wasn't just sunglasses
they were they were kind of shades for the they

and did she get any money
at all she didn't say what

so she didn't say a word she went straight
back downstairs well after 20 minutes

and you've kept in contact ever since not
at all but we did meet afterwards because

she was so nervous and she just felt she'd
failed her well I mean she's right she had

hadn't she she'd come up with a daft idea and then
totally failed to express it what sort of a dog

you'd be a very good dragon David what sort of
a dog was it uh labrador retreat oh that's great

was molly at school with you yes she was
she was and so you wrote the school play

which is about a vaguely about a m*rder and
you cast her in I both wrote and cast the

the play yeah and so what
was what was the plot of the

well I think it was probably a lot of nonsense
but there was um uh we'll be the judge of that

molly played I think the um the wife of a a
rich man who was m*rder*d and it was all a bit

silly you know the way school plays are I it's
a while ago so I can't remember I love the fact

that that you remember every single detail off
a game of connect four when you were six but ten

years later now theatre comes and goes but connect
four stays with you well what was it called do you

remember the title uh the title of the play no no
yes any title just have any title work your way

from titles of things you know I think that'll
give you time to make up the title of this play

it was uh it was called arsenic and old mice
which was a play on the play arsenic in all places

lee where are you learning to ice
skate tell me I'm learning to ice skate at

uh alexander palace right and how far have
you got with it well I actually can you

stand on one leg and do all that stuff
here oh yeah but not on the ice rink no

alexandra palace yeah yes so is that
the nearest ice rink to where you live

it's not always I don't know if it's the nearest
one but it's the one where I tell you no it isn't

who said we're having this ice skating themed
wedding and we're all training every week for

the little moves I didn't say is the only chance
you come to me because uh the day is all about me

my friends are into ice
skating so really yeah

what are they appropriate yeah for their
wedding they're actually gonna do a routine the

man and wife right they're doing a routine on
the ice because they're closed fully clothed

yeah I don't know which films you watch burner
but naked naked ice date skating isn't really big

so they're going to board it off so you have
an isle of ice I'll remain advice the rest of

the ice is sort of carpeted with seats on it
I don't know you're mixing it with admin okay

so um what's your
role in the website

so are you best man are you presenting the rate
I am not very mad yes I'm the best man so what do

you have to do what's skating what skating do you
have to do they've done their routine okay you've

skated just to be absolutely clear okay so the
vicar comes first patrick you're a guest to me

and basically they're going to do a big routine
and the bridesmaids are going to be part of the

big routine the idiots like me that can't do very
much we're just going to skate off on at the end

I'm just talking to

I've got the ring I do one quick I
don't know what they call it axle

down on the knee present to groom
and then the groove will patronize

uh that's happening
at the ski slope in

the reception alexander palace as well uh right
we need an answer so uh David's team is molly

mark's leading lady deborah's shy entrepreneur or
lee's ice skating teacher David well I think we'll

agree that and that's lee's end of the round two
too plausible I I think mark would remember more

about this play I think he's been very vague
about this play on purpose you think he's so

he think it's true but he's been deliberately
vague yeah I think I think so does this woman

look like someone that puts venetian blinds on
dogs does any woman look like that to be fair

what do you think debra do you think deborah yeah
no who you don't you think that I think it's march

well I think it's deborah do you know what I'm
starting to feel like the ugly one on blind day

well I think I'm I agree with bernard I think it's
deborah's former dragon's den contestant okay yes

uh molly would you please reveal
your true identity I starred as the wife of

sir leonard onions in mark's play asked
my school when he was my house captain

yes molly starred in a m*rder mystery that mark
wrote and directed while at school what sort of a

director was he molly masterful really yes really
that's the end of the round ladies and gentlemen

which brings us to our final round quickfire
lies in which our panelists lie not only

through their teeth but also against
the clock we will start with it's David

okay as a child I had a special way
of communicating with captain kirk

during star trek episodes

what do you reckon and that special way was I
had two ways of communicating with captain kirk

uh one was with a a little calculator that when
you've sort of it had a sort of leverette case

and when you flipped it open it was
to my child's eyes uncannily identical to

a star trek communicator of the old
sort we're talking pre-nipple punch

you do this David I know
it's now it's more sort of

it would open with it would go and then
it would go he pressed the button quick

to enterprise and it would go
oh yes that's a secondary noise

no I didn't in all honesty as a child did you no
no no it was a great noise wasn't it yeah yeah

very comforting it
was yeah company

the second way was I would sort of converse
a bit with the characters on the screen

while it was happening slipping
oh it's good thoughts uh captain kirk

don't interrupt me spock I'm talking do you
know the characters the the famous star trek

have you ever
refereed anything before

you'd make a terrible referee at football why
don't you try kicking in the top like that

right what's he going to say
then lee what do you think it's

the bit that rings most true actually about
all of this was when he went I flipped it open

because I remember those calculators they used
to have a little thing did you do the old thing

when it spells boobies when you turn it upside
down you didn't know what they were okay so

is David telling the truth lee what do you
reckon right okay do we believe uh David as

a small child would be so lonely and sad that
he would have to use this yes yes we do yeah

you're saying it's true who said it's true
sure okay David is it true or is it a lie

I prefer the word imaginative
to lonely but uh yes it's true

yes it's true as a trial David did have a
special way of communicating with captain

kirk during star trek episodes uh David
particularly like leonard nimoy that odd

life form obsessed with logic would tune
in each week to watch mr spock oh yes next

right that's me uh
possession right pick it up first

steady this is a prototype invention of
mine that I'm hoping to release one day

ladies and gentlemen rob
brighton's world of magic

teams questions yeah well I mean obviously
it's a it's a tv aerial for the bath isn't it

on first inspection you'd think so it's actually
no don't tell us let us guess what it is all right

try and guess what it is can you demonstrate
how you would use it and see if you can

please do can I can I come
out he's now a good time

he's cleaning something oh painting
you're painting oh paint in a dotted circle

I haven't finished hang on he's painting the
circle as he cleans the circle he's patting

children on the head incidentally I just I've just
remembered something this isn't a mime show tell

us what you were doing it's a child it's a thing
for kids I've got a lot of children and it's an

idea I came up with and it's just a big kind of
painting stick it's just a silly painting stick

I'm very interested actually to know what you
think deborah I think it's five grand that's all

I need oh you just need five grand anybody anybody
I think probably you and particularly you're quite

well known for being with me you'll see it
quite seriously all jokes decided to get rich

stop talking to the idiot at the
end talk to this idiot yeah seriously

oh don't buy into that would you don't find it
for that no not this buy into the fish don't fight

this don't buy into deborah what do you think
seriously what do you think seriously excuse

me it wouldn't be wood like this is a prototype
it would be a gaily colored plastic maybe with

some kind of laminate cover on it with zigzag
nothing like that it'll be quite a lot like this

can you imagine if you asked for a
nintendo wii and dad came on with her

there's not much you can do apart from two
circles though yes there's plenty you can do

oh you mean another one of those circles
you were telling us about but is it a circle

well it's starting to become a circle
yeah you think it's a circle wait a minute

it looks like oh hello do
you know what I'm sure

what would you call it
four sponges on a stick

rob's colorful stick hey
I'm not falling for this again

right what are you gonna say I've seen a lot of
inventions yes that's that's not even an invention

I'm gonna be maverick here and suddenly
I think it's a good idea no I don't it is a

good association I'm starting to look forward to
actually borrowing that and playing with my kids

what are you gonna say I say that I think
rob is mad enough to think that's a good idea

and we should say that's true you're saying it's
true David mitchell what is your team saying

rubbish absolutely do you think it's a lie a lie
he's he's mad enough to have come up with that I

think my instinct is and it's a lie okay you say
it's a lie you say it's true yeah it's actually a

oh and lie noise uh signals time's
up it's the end of the show and I

can reveal that David has romped
to victory by seven points to five

but it's not just a team game and my
individual liar of the week is deborah meaden

yes deborah needham a
woman whose ability to lie

is tested every time Duncan Valentine
asks if she's pleased to see him, Goodnight