12x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, and welcome
to Would I Lie To You?,

the show with tall tales
and tantalising truths.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a former Spice Girl.

Ironically, when I asked if I could
still call her Baby,

the response was scary.

It's Emma Bunton.

And a comedian who is also
a BAFTA-winning actress.

Winning an award must have
done wonders for her career,

but not enough to escape this show -
it's Jo Brand.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,

one of the most famous
Shauns in show business,

second only to the sheep,
it's Shaun Williamson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE BAAS

And a Paralympic gold medallist who
once made the 12 person short list

for Sports Personality Of The Year.

What an achievement... finding 12
sportsmen with a personality.

It's Jonnie Peacock!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we begin tonight
with round one, Home Truths,

where our panellists read out

a statement from the card
in front of them.

Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,

they have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from fiction.

Jo, you're first up tonight.

Okey-dokey.

At school, I once rubbed stinging
nettles all over my face

and told my teacher I was ill

so I could go meet
a boy in a graveyard.

LAUGHTER

David's team.

I mean...

True.

Um... So, this was a date
in the graveyard?

Was the boy living?

He was just before we met, yeah.

Jo, you say these are
your school days,

so we're talking about the 1990s.
Now, what was the...

LAUGHTER

It's my way of being flattering and
chivalrous. Chivalrous.

When was this, Jo? The 1890s.

LAUGHTER

That would have been the late '60s,
actually, early '70s.

Late '60s? Yeah.
Gosh, OK.

So when you walked
into the graveyard like this,

he must have been
shocked to see you.

Rob, he was pleased to see me.

He knew what he was going to get.

LEE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What was he going to get?

I bought him a cake.

So, freshly nettled, you go off,
you go and find your teacher,

what happens then?

Well, I say to the teacher
I'm really not feeling well,

I don't know whether I ate something
for lunch that's given me some sort

of allergic reaction, can I go home?

I mean, I don't know,
I've never run a school...

..but are you allowed, if a child
says they're ill, you're allowed

to just say, "Yeah, off you go"?

Well, I said to her that my mum
was at home and I lived

within walking distance
of the school.

It was the late '60s, early '70s.
Very different time.

Children hadn't long stopped
going up chimneys.

What do you think?

It's so unfeasible,
it's probably true, isn't it?

Well, that's the wrong way to
reason,

it should be that unfeasible things
are less likely to be true.

Although the true things are
deliberately picked to be unlikely.

Exactly. I travelled here by
car, for example.

Never come up. That would be easy!

Sorry, can I just check something
here? Why do you get a car?

It's a class thing, you know?

They still shouldn't
make me drive your car.

Right, Jo, in the graveyard
with the young man.

What do you think? True.
Because it sounds so unlikely.

Yes.

I still think it's flawed reasoning,
but we'll go true.

You're saying that
it's true. Right, Jo.

Truth or lie?

It is...

..a lie.

Yes, it's a lie. Jo didn't rub
stinging nettles over her face

to get out of school.
Shaun, you're next.

I once stole the shirt
off a scarecrow

in order to get into a nightclub.

Lee's team. Wow, OK.

Was you not wearing anything
before you went to the nightclub?

Me? Yeah. A T-shirt, you see. OK.

Oh, and they wouldn't let you in?
Yeah, but they, what it is,

you know, it's a bit more relaxed
these days because the dress code

isn't what it was back in "the day".
What was the day?

What year? What, in my "the day"?
Or when this happened?

It was early 2000s.
Oh, so, early 2000s,

you've gone to a nightclub,
where was this nightclub?

In Rochester.
Rochester is a town, right?

And that's why it's got a nightclub
in it.

And scarecrows don't really
tend to be used in towns...

What a very good point. ..because
there aren't many massive fields.

Thank you, Miss Marple.

APPLAUSE

When did you find out you needed
a shirt to get in the club?

Did you go to the club and then...?

When the bouncer said,
"You ain't coming in."

Right, and then you walked back
to the scarecrow to get the shirt?

I walked back to the allotment.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

This is very high-level play.

This is like chess, isn't it,
between Shaun and Jo.

Take that, Moriarty.

Do you live in Rochester?

No.

So how did you know
there was an allotment in Rochester

near the nightclub?

I lived near it then. Oh, I see.

Fair enough.

It's like fencing, isn't it?

But, then again, if you lived
in Rochester,

why didn't you just
go home and get a shirt?

Oh, this gets better and better!

Checkmate. No. No, no, no.
I was born in Chatham,

but brought up in Maidstone

but my uncle lived
in Rochester and it was one

of the allotments on his patch,
so I knew where the allotments were,

apropos to the nightclub.

Ms Brand, back to you.

Can I ask, earlier you said
you had a T-shirt

and trainers and jeans on. Yes. And
you thought it was a relaxed club

but then you went to the club and
they said you need a shirt,

but you're not allowed in a club
with trainers on.

OK.

The bouncer... Can I just say,

Shaun, you're the kind of person
that every time you speak

you always sound like
you're going to start it with

"I'd like to change my story."

Or is that the impression
I'm just giving you?

For the sake of the tape, the
accused has walked into the room...

The bouncer was a massive fan
of EastEnders and was quite

embarrassed at turning me away,
so I think when he saw the effort

I'd made cos I was already eight
pints to the wind, so when he saw

the effort I'd made, I think he just
couldn't bear turning me away again.

What do you think, Jo?
Could this be true?

I think he'd have had a better time
if he'd popped down the graveyard.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think there's a lot
of anomalies in it.

This is what I think.
A man who knows exactly where

an allotment is cos he knows the
town so well knows you can't get

into the nightclub without collars.
And, for that reason, Shaun,

we find you guilty.

So what are you saying, Lee, you
think it's a lie? Lie. It is a lie.

You think it's a lie? You all think
it's a lie?

Yeah, we all think it's a lie.
Shaun, truth or lie?

It is...

..a lie.

It's a lie. Shaun didn't steal
a shirt from a scarecrow.

Emma, you're next. I'm next. OK.

OK, when the Spice Girls stayed
in hotels, we played a special game

to test who was the bravest.

And what was the game?

We used to dare each other
to do... certain things.

What was the scariest thing
you were ever dared to do?

Sing live?

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

Rob, you've got to watch out,
cos a lot people think you're nice.

That's why you get the boat advert
and me and him don't,

cos you're the nice one.
And it's all a facade

cos me and David know actually,
you are evil. Yeah.

Welcome aboard.

So, Emma, what sort of
things did you do?

So, the main one was...
involved nudity.

Right.

So, we used to stay in hotels a lot,
obviously, while we were touring,

and we used to dare each other to
go... Like, run in the hallways

and we had to do that naked.

Naked? Yeah, we were allowed
sometimes to carry a flannel.

Clothes... A flannel? Yeah.

What were you worried
was going to happen?

The flannel was so you could cover.

You had to choose a part,
obviously, to cover.

Victoria could use that
as a dressing gown.

So, if someone saw you,

you could decide which part of you
you were known by and cover that up.

Exactly. Yes.

Cover your face.

That's probably the best way,
isn't it?

I remember once the girls
made me go to the lift... Yeah.

..and wait for the lift to arrive.
No!

And, then, obviously, you were lucky
if it opened and no-one was there.

Oh, no!

I suddenly felt...

You're really getting
into this story.

I suddenly felt like being
challenged to do it myself.

Jo, you've toured the country,
haven't you, with your show,

you've stayed in hotels.

Never found a flannel
big enough, Rob.

I think it's the logistics
of the game

that interests me, typically.

I want to understand better
how the competition worked.

We'd take two at a time
and the first one back

knocking on the door,
that would be the winner.

It's a knockout -
two become one, it's simple.

Jonnie, what do you think? True?

I think it does sound
like it all adds up so far.

Shaun, what are you thinking here?
I've been consistently

wrong tonight. Unerringly wrong.

In which case, if you maintain
your current strategy,

we can use that to win.

What do you think instinctively?
Lie.

Lie. It's true, then.

So, Emma, truth or lie?

It is...

..true!

Well done. Well done.

Yes, it's true.

The Spice Girls really did run
around hotels

wearing nothing but a flannel.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of David's
team will claim

it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Shabs.

So, Shaun, what is Shabs to you?

This is Shabs, I keep my chicken
drumsticks in his nuclear bunker.

Shaun's bunker buddy.

Jonnie, how do you know Shabs?

This is Shabs and he used to
regularly park cars on my foot

to stop me going anywhere.

Jonnie's parking prankster.
And, finally, David.

What is your relationship
with Shabs?

This is Shabs,

and he's taught his parrot
to say "Nice shoes, Dave,"

whenever I enter his cobbler's.

Lee's, where will you begin?
Shall we start with Shaun?

Let's start with Shaun, I think.

Yeah? Yes. You leave your chicken
drumsticks in his nuclear shelter?

Is that what you're claiming? Yes.
OK. Enough questions. Jonnie.

Where is this nuclear shelter?

In a field out the back of his
garden. Which part of the country?

Mid Kent.

I don't think anyone's ever referred
to whatever area

you're talking about as Mid Kent.

When you hear people say
"Where are you from?"

"Oh, I'm Mid British."

You're not Mid Kent.
You say, "I'm from the Midlands".

That's the middle of Britain, isn't
it? But anyway...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Shaun, has he got a freezer
in his nuclear bunker?

A very large chest freezer.

How many chicken drumsticks
have you got in it?

Ooh! Er...

Probably in there... I'd say it's
a pack of ten cos it's not

just drumsticks, you see.
You're not running

a catering firm on the site?

I have meat mass-delivered
and sometimes I need an overfill.

What do you mean, you have
meat mass-delivered?

You know, a regular
delivery from a butcher's.

Right, why are you buying
so much meat?

Because what's happened particularly
this year, I've been working away

a lot, so, I haven't been going
through the amount of meat

I normally go through, so at the
moment it's just a bit an overflow.

Well, why don't you stop the order?

How do you know Shabs, Shaun?

I know Shabs from my
local pub cricket team.

What fielding position?

Slip and number four batsman.

All right, and what does he do?
All rounder. Excellent.

He does everything. He bats,
he bowls, he freezes your meat.

Shaun, I've never been into
a nuclear bunker, what's it like?

OK, so, basically, when you approach
it, you'll see something

that might look like a sort of
white, woodeny, one of those

slatted beehives, a square beehive.
A slatted beehive?

Yes, but what that is, that's
the air-conditioning purifying

system and then there's almost
like a hatch,

like a submarine hatch, so, you
climb down a ladder. A metal ladder.

Sorry, can I just check,
have you been watching

the Teletubbies recently?

And then you get down
the bottom of the ladder,

is there a living area? A bedroom?

Yes, yes, there's a living area,
he has got a television

and a cracking... Oh, yeah, because
right after the nuclear w*r

you're going to get a lot
of telly, aren't you?

I bet EastEnders survives.

The c*ck of TV shows.

Harsh. You said it!
I can't go back, I can't go back.

He's got a cracking
selection of videos.

Oh, I bet he has.

Now the truth comes out!

"Just going to Shabs' to get
some chicken drumsticks.

"Shan't be long."

Right, Lee, who would
you like to quiz next?

OK, Jonnie, so, just remind us again
what this fella did to you?

He used to park cars
on my foot so I couldn't move.

You couldn't move?
On your prosthetic foot?

Obviously on the prosthetic one!

He's a friend of yours that did
this, or is he...?

I used to work in a garage
in a garage.

And Shabs worked in the garage.

Where was this, Mid Kent?

In St Ives. St Ives.

Not Cornwall St Ives.
Cambridgeshire St Ives.

Oh...

I mean, how did he do it?
Because, surely, you sort of

saw the car coming
and you moved away.

He'd try and stop on the foot
but sometimes he'd miss.

But if he got it,
he'd pull the handbrake

and get out of the car and walk off.

I want to know how did it
start, the first time?

I was working there and Shabs joined
and one of the other guys

told me it'd be quite funny, cos he
didn't know that I had

a prosthetic leg, to get my foot
trapped under a wheel.

To try and spook him? Yeah.
But it didn't.

It awoke a sort of bloodlust
in him, didn't it?

So, at the start of this story
was that it was...

It was all humorous. ..I thought
that he was perhaps

bullying you a bit. Turns out, it's
the other way round completely.

The person you tried to bully at
work turned out to be a sociopath.

Right. What about, what about David?

Why does he keep a parrot
in the cobbler's? Er, as a pet.

As a pet? Yeah, it's not,
he's not a colleague.

Did you go to the cobbler's
a lot, then?

Because for him to go
through all the effort of teaching

a parrot to say "Nice shoes, Dave,"
I mean, I've probably

been to a cobbler's like twice
in the last five years.

So, do your shoes kind of wear out
really quickly or...?

Well, I suppose I probably do go
to the cobbler's quite a lot.

Oh, OK, then, that's fine!

And what sort of voice does
the parrot have?

Could you give us
a taste of the parrot?

I'm so sorry?

A flavour.

You want me to do an impression?

Not so much an impression,
more an evocation.

I suppose it would be sort of,
I don't know what it's going

to sound like until it
comes out, so I'll be...

I'm pretty sure it's
going to be quite bad.

I'm just going to say, I'm listening
to it at the same time as you, so...

Welcome to my world.

Nice shoes, Dave.

That was horrible.

That was the most horrible
thing you've ever done.

Nothing like a bird.

You've done some horrible things
but that was horrible.

Well, look, it's a parrot,
you know?

Doesn't sound like a parrot.

Are you sure it's not just a rather
exotic man that works with Shabs?

Obviously what you've got
to understand is what you heard

there wasn't the parrot.

That was me.

But it was you trying to sound...

You're saying, "That parrot sounds
like a man

"pretending to be a parrot."

I'm not sure that's conclusive.

But it didn't even sound
like that, did it?

Any parrot worth his salt
would say...

HE SQUAWKS
.. "Nice shoes, Dave."

Listen, Rob.

You're in the chair.

If you want to do a parrot
impression at any point

you can just do it.

We don't have to go
around this ridiculous process.

What, what's the name of Shabs's
parrot?

Graham.

It's sounding more and
more like it is a man.

Just a man stood in the corner
of the shop.

This parrot, is he six foot?

No, no, no...

Does he smoke a cigarette and go,
"All right, Dave, nice shoes"?

All right. We need an answer.

So, Lee's team.

Is Shabs Shaun's bunker buddy,
Jonnie's parking prankster,

or David's parrot pal?

I thought Shaun told a great story.

I love the fact that, I mean,
putting his drumsticks

in his bunker. And you think that's
perfectly acceptable?

That sounds like a euphemism,
doesn't it?

He might. You believe it?
Here's a question.

Does Shabs look like the type
of person

who would have a nuclear
bunker? Oh, definitely.

I think that Shabs looks
like he could work in a garage.

What about David?

The bit I doubt is the fact
that you're going to the cobblers

so regularly.

Because that would be the actions of
a man who cares what he looks like.

What shoes have you got on tonight?

Um, do you want me
to show you my shoes? Yes, please.

Shall we have a look
and see if they are worn?

Ooh, nice shoes, Dave.

It's easily done, isn't it?

Um, yeah, these have never
been to the cobbler's.

You seem to be spending a lot
of effort on the shoes

and less effort
to iron your trousers.

Let that be a lesson
to you, young man!

I didn't realise my offer

to show you my shoes
was going to lead to mockery.

But David, you must
have suspected it!

So you're saying Jonnie? Yes.

You're saying Jonnie.

Reluctantly, I am. OK.

Right, Shabs,

would you please reveal
your true identity?

My name is Shabs,

and I used to park cars on
Jonnie's foot.

Yes, Shabs is Jonnie's
parking prankster.

Thank you very much, Shabs.

Which brings us to our final
round, quickfire lies.

And we start with...

It's Lee.

Ooh - possession.

Ah, now, take a look.

There's a box under your desk.

Place the item from the box
on top of the desk first,

and then read out the card.

Thank you.

This is my lucky dice.

I can always roll a six
with it in three goes.

David.

Yeah!

Well, yeah, go on, then.

Do you want to know
how I came to discover this?

Yes, please.
I just found it in a box.

How long have you had it?

I've had it for about 20 years.

Oh, the dice?

I thought you meant my syphilis.

Where did you get it?

I got it from a woman in Highgate.

I meant the syphilis.

Oh, sorry.

Er, I paid for it. £4.99.

We meant the dice.

Full of spots!

When did you first
discover that you had...

..that these dice, or die,
were indeed lucky?

I was walking the back
streets of Hong Kong.

Yes...

I'm down this dark alley.

Right.

There's a weird shop
staying open late.

I go in, a small bell rings.

And a small Chinese man was there.

Hang on, this is Gremlins,
forget this.

This, I got it from Hamleys.

Give us some examples
of when you've used this lucky dice.

Well, I've used it,
it helped me get together

with my first girlfriend.

Oh, do tell.

Yeah, that was her name.

It wasn't her real name.

It was Janet.

Janet. It helped you get
together with Janet.

It helped me get together
with Janet, my first girlfriend,

because she was a big fan of magic.
Right.

And I um, and I said,
"Oh, I can do a magic trick."

And she said, "What's that?"
I said, "Do you see this dice?

"I can guarantee at any point
I call roll it three times,

"and I will always get a six."

And how many times did you do
it before Janet said I love you?

She never expressed her love for me.

But after I rolled it once,
we slept together.

Well, maybe we should put
this lucky dice to the test.

Now, to get a proper view,
why don't you, you could come out

and use this bit of stage here.

You'd be like one of those New York
crap-shooters from Guys And Dolls.

I mean, when would you like me to
get it?

Straight away, or would that ruin
it?

I think a bit of tension, for the
last role... Bit of tension, yeah.

Yeah. It's never gone
wrong in 20 years.

I've swallowed it!

There's the first one.

What is it, madam? Five.

Oh, sorry, Sir.

Sorry. All good.

It's Janet!

So, there's no worries,
you've got to two left.

OK. Here we go.

I mean, be honest,
it's pretty gripping, isn't it?

It's actually pretty gripping stuff,
isn't it?

Well, people watched Deal
or no Deal, didn't they?

Attempt number two, here we go.

Three. Three. It's a three.

So you're sticking to your promise
of waiting for the third roll.

Where are you going?

To have a little sit down.

So what do we think,
is it true, or is this...?

Er, you have to follow
through on your promises.

Right. Right. Here we go. Come on.
Here we go.

Let me say that I personally am
convinced that Lee is telling a lie

but that, nevertheless,
he will now roll a six.

Here he goes, Lee Mack,
third roll, got to be a six.

It's rolling.

What is it?

So what numbers did I get,
can anyone remember?

Five, three, and two.

So they don't add up to six
either, do they?

What do you think?

Can I just check?

Is this definitely
the dice I brought in?

I've got an idea.

We can make this work by just... we
retake Lee reading the card

and he says, "This is my dice,

"it occasionally rolls a six."

So what are you going to say, then?
Jonnie?

Lie? Lie. Lie.

Lee? Truth, or lie?

It was a lie.

Yes, it's a lie.

Lee doesn't have lucky dice.

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show
and I can reveal that Lee's team

has won by three points to two.

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.