12x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome to
Would I Lie To You? At Christmas -

a very special edition
filled with festive fibs.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

a singer who also runs a charity
shop selling vintage clothes.

Last year, she made
a profit of three guineas,

11 shillings and sixpence.

It's Lily Allen!

APPLAUSE

And a brilliant musician

who's responsible for the most
powerful Christmas release

since the time I ate
23 Brussels sprouts.

It's Noddy Holder!

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
from Car Share,

an actress who starred in
m*rder On The Blackpool Express

about a coach trip to Blackpool.

Talk about suffering for your art!

It's Sian Gibson!

APPLAUSE

And a comedian who, years ago,
sold ice creams for a living.

I don't know which year exactly,
but I'm guessing '99.

It's James Acaster.

We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement
from the card in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction,

and Noddy is first up.

One December night,
while dressed as Joseph,

I had to shove a donkey
off a country lane.

Lee's team.

When was this, Noddy?

This would have been mid-'70s.

So, why were you dressed as Joseph?

Well, a friend of mine used to have
a party every Christmas time,

just before Christmas,
and it was always fancy dress,

and, this particular year,
he wanted to feature the nativity.

And I originally wanted
to be Angel Gabriel.

Right.

But he said, "I'm not
having you Angel Gabriel.

"You can be Joseph."

Why couldn't you be Angel Gabriel?
Because of the accent?

Probably.

MIMICKING NODDY: Oh, look!
It's the little baby Jesus.

So I got an old curtain round me
and a tea towel on my head.

Like tonight.

So whose party was it?

It was my best friend's party.

Er, and...

Could I have a name, Noddy?

Swin, his name was Swin.

Aw... I wish you would've said
Big Ears, but carry on.

Very good.

So, where does the donkey...?

So, time was getting on,
it was one o'clock,

I thought I'd better make
my way home.

And when I get outside,

the air hit me
and I felt a bit spacey,

and I think somebody
had spiked my drink.

So I set off and it sort of got
worse and worse as I drove on.

There was sort of blue flashing
lights coming past me and all sorts.

Those would have been the police.
No.

LAUGHTER

That comes later.

Anyway, I'm driving, and I thought,

"I'll take the scenic route." Right.

So I started to go down all these
country lanes to make my way home.

And suddenly, in the middle
of the road, is a donkey.

So I screeched to a halt, thinking,

"Am I imagining this donkey
or is it a real donkey?"

Am I really Joseph?

Is it possible it was just
Elvis Costello turning up late

to the party in fancy dress?

So I screeches to a halt,

and I thought, "I'd better
get out and check."

I can't carry on.
I couldn't drive round it

because the lane was too
narrow. Yeah.

And I got out the car
to feel if it was real or not.

Are you genuinely...?

So you were genuinely still not
sure, even though you were

right up to it? You have to feel it?
I had to feel it.

Can I ask you a question?

Is this one big alibi
for touching up a donkey?

So I gets behind him.

Good idea.

Safest place with a donkey, Noddy.

And start pushing him from behind.

Where is this story leading, Noddy?

Suddenly I hear...

MIMICS POLICE SIREN

Don't you mean
"ee-aw, ee-aw, ee-aw"?

Of course, coming down the road
is a cop car.

Now, I'm used to, in those days,

being pulled every night
after late drinks.

It's Christmas, Noddy,
it's Christmas.

Anyway, they get out of the car
and do the usual.

Here we are, Mr Christmas,
what's he doing now?

As a last punch-line, I said,
"I've been celebrating tonight

"because my wife's just had a kid."

Which I thought was
pretty good at the time!

So, what do you think, James?

I think it's true, but it's just
nice to listen to him tell a story

and I kind of forgot halfway through

I'm meant to be
knowing if it's true or not.

He's definitely telling the truth.
You think it's the truth?

I think true. True? True.

OK, we're saying it's true.
Saying it's true.

Noddy, was it true
or were you telling a lie?

It is true.

That is true. Noddy did
shove a donkey off a road

while dressed as Joseph.
James, you're next.

One Christmas, on hearing
I wasn't going to get the present

I wanted, I tried to drown myself...

..in protest.

David's team.

Tell us the story.

Well, I wasn't going to get
the present I wanted.

Which was?
What did you want?

The Spice Girls' debut album, Spice.

It's a lie!

That's so weird, because I did get
it and I did try to drown myself.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No! Don't applaud that!

It's a great album.

How old were you then?

I was, like, ten or 11. Right.

So, you wanted the album...
No, he really, really wanted it.

Stop right now.

So you wanted the album. Yes.

I really, really wanted it.

In case they don't use mine
in the edit, yeah?

Can I just say, stop right now!
Stop right now!

I'll have that one if they use his.

Who's your friend? Big Ears?

So, what happened, James?

I wanted the Spice Girls album,
Spice,

and so did my sister.

We'd both been pestering our parents
a lot for the album.

My father decided
he had to tell us before Christmas

who was going to get the album
or not

because he didn't want
an upset on Christmas Day.

And so he waited until
we were in a safe space...

it was the local swimming pool.

We'd all gone for a family swim...

A lovely Christmassy thing to do.

A lot of people do a lot of swimming
in the run-up to Christmas.

Because it was in honour of the
seven swans a-swimming. Yeah.

That's why we did it.

APPLAUSE

We were swimming, and then my dad
called a family meeting.

Shallow end? Shallow end. Yes.

Oh, you're not treading water
during a family meeting.

He said, "Right, it's a week
until Christmas and I'm just

"going to let you know that Ruth
is getting the Spice Girls album."

This is ridiculous!

Exact...
Well, where were you then?

Because, at the time,
I looked like I overreacted.

Take us through this reaction,

paint a picture of
how a young James reacted.

It was like a storm came over me.

I was very angry, and then I turned

and I walked to the other
end of the shallow end -

I did a width. Yep.

I would've stormed away,
but it's very hard...

Wade through the water.

You have to say it every now
and again, "I'm really cross!"

Went to the other end,
and I turned around

so they could see my face,
and I just sat down slowly...

..and I was under the water.

I went, "Well..."

I was thinking this.

"I guess I'll either stay here
until one of two things happens.

"Either I get the
Spice Girls' debut album, Spice.

"Or I'm going to die."

Which happened?

Well, what happened...

LAUGHTER

What happened was,
I came back up again,

and I saw that
not only were they not...

They were just carrying on swimming.

They've gone, "Oh, he's under the
water now," and my dad clearly went,

"Problem solved."
And then carried on swimming.

What are you thinking, Noddy?

I just don't think
his dad would do that.

I think he'd buy two albums.

Oh, unaware that you knew
my father, Noddy.

What do you think about
the two albums buying issue?

Well, like, as a parent,
I just would've thought

that just quietly, like,
going off to HMV to buy an album

is easier than taking
the whole family for a group swim.

So, what are you going to say,
David? What's it going to be?

I'll say lie.
You both think it's a lie?

I'm going to say lie, yeah. OK.

James, were you telling us
the truth or was it a lie?

I was telling...

the truth.

Yes, it's true.

James did try to drown himself
in protest of his Christmas present.

Our next round is
called This Is My...,

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection

to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest,

and it's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome
this week's special guest, Jerry.

So, Sian, what is Jerry to you?

This is Jerry, and he was the
policeman who came to investigate

when I was heard screaming during
a Christmas game of Twister. Right.

Sian's concerned copper.

James, how do you know Jerry?

This is Jerry.

He's the fireman who every
Boxing Day soaks me with water

during a festive game of Squirt.

Right, James' fireman friend.

And finally, Lee, what's
your relationship with Jerry?

This is Jerry,

he's the paramedic who ticked me
off last Christmas

after I landed my drone
in his ambulance.

David's team? Where to begin?

Sian, you were playing Twister?
Yep.

What was the occasion?

It was in-between Christmas
and New Year, and me and my family

had gone away and rented a cottage.

And why did you scream?

Because I think I had my left hand
on red and right foot on green...

Tricky. Tricky.

And we'd all had a few drinks and...

What was the...?
What time of day?

Oh, it was evening. Right.
It was evening.

I'd say about 10:30-ish. OK.

And my uncle fell on my face
and I screamed.

And you would scream, wouldn't you?
You would scream.

Was he a friendly uncle?

Very friendly.

If you've been affected
by any of the issues raised

in tonight's show,
there is a website you can visit.

It wasn't a horrific scream,
it was fun, I was having fun.

I was just a bit hysterical.
Could you reproduce it, Sian?

Could an actress of your stature...
OK...

..reproduce it for us now?

Imagine Lee is this uncle,

he's a little too friendly...
Can someone fall on my face?

You're never that happy
when he turns up,

no matter how many presents,
you think, "Oh, it's Uncle Lee."

I like the way that you say
she's a good actress,

so she can play the part
of the screamer, but I can just play

the untoward uncle naturally.
So, there you are...

Why don't we...? Why don't you
demonstrate the Twister?

James, what are you doing?
Playing the Twister mat.

It wasn't a scary scream,
it was like a...

SHRIEKS
..because-I-was-having-fun scream.

How did the neighbour next door hear
it if it was just a little scream?

Did the uncle let out
anything as well?

I certainly did not!

LAUGHTER

So, what happens, then?

So, suddenly there's a knock
on the door... Yeah.

And what happens when Jerry arrives?

Well, we were all just
having fun at this point.

We've all had a few drinks.

We all invite Jerry in.

See if Jerry wants a sherry.

He was really lovely about it.

So, is there a police station
in this village

and they're all on duty
Christmas week, are they?

Well, there's always got to be
a policeman on duty somewhere.

To look out for madmen like you
pushing donkeys down lanes.

Now, what about James?

OK, James...

Just remind us, James,
what it was that you said.

Jerry is the fireman who, every
Boxing Day, soaks me with water

during a festive game of Squirt.

OK.

What's going on?

Squirt is a game.

Is it? Yeah!

Two teams of firemen...

OK, so, for a game of Squirt,

the first thing you need
is two teams of firemen?

And they go either
side of a river...

Yeah. And you get a rope
and you tie it up in a tree

at one side of the river

and then you run it along
and you tie it to a tree

at the other side of the river.
Yeah.

But before you've tied it to the
other side,

you thread a barrel
across it. Of course you do.

Just thread a barrel. Yeah.

What if there's a fire in the local
area during the lengthy set-up

for a game of Squirt?
Well, he's not...

They can't put out fires anyway,
he's only a volunteer.

Sorry?

LAUGHTER

They're just
a volunteer Fire Brigade,

they're not allowed to
put out fires.

What are they allowed to do?
Just look at them?

They're permitted
to pick up litter.

Where do they get the fire engines
and everything from, then?

Their fire engine is an old one,

it's more like an ice cream van
that's painted red.

The volunteers,
do they have the uniforms? No.

The Kettering Volunteer Fire Brigade
have a T-shirt and it has an emblem

on it of a fire
being put out by a beer.

Talk us through the rules of Squirt.

Mm, OK.

You get the barrel
to the middle of the rope,

right in the middle of the rope,

and then both teams
aim their hoses at it.

Are the volunteer firemen allowed
real water or do they just mime it?

Yeah, they're allowed water, they
just can't aim it at a fire. OK.

If there was a fire, they would
have to turn the hose off.

So, what happens next?

Someone is like, "Go!"

And then they both turn their hoses
on, and they aim it at the barrel.

And what you're trying to do
is you're trying to get the barrel,

you're trying to squirt
it along the rope so it gets

to the opposition's
side of the bank.

And all the water
is hitting this barrel

and we're standing on
the bridge...

..getting soaked. Yeah.

And then you walk home going,
"Good Squirt this year!"

Right, now then, what about Lee?

How did you come to land the drone
in Jerry's ambulance?

We have this really weird tradition
in our house

where we like to keep dry,

and so I thought "What I'll do is
I'll fly my drone,

"but I'll stay in the house."

And the window was
open and I thought...

The window was open because
it was a very hot Boxing Day?

The window was open.

The window was open because my wife
always has the heat on very high

over Christmas and I'm not a fan
of radiators so I open the window.

And I was practising in the bedroom.

And I thought, "I'm so in control of
this, rather than go downstairs

"and fly it, I'll just go
straight out the window."

Was the drone a Christmas present?

The drone was
a Christmas present, correct.

Who gave you a drone for Christmas?

Not you, because you got me nothing.

Yeah.

It was my wife.

Your wife got you...
That's a very romantic present!

A drone.

She'd heard me say it
to her a lot during the year.

Drone, drone, drone.

Why was there an ambulance there?

Had your wife called it
as a precautionary measure?

The ambulance was actually
at a house over the road,

and, as I was flying the drone,

I looked over and a man
was carried out on a stretcher.

And I think, "I can't quite see
what's going on,"

but I thought,
"I'll have a little look at that."

My drone has a camera attached
to it, so I fly my drone over.

It's getting closer and closer...

It can help, I think,
when someone's just had

a heart attack, or something,
something shocking or strange

can really, helps them really
get it together. I thought so!

And so I was watching it and
I thought, "This is interesting."

And then he gets put in
the back of the ambulance,

and the doors stay open.
And Jerry goes in the back.

I'm thinking, "I'll have a little
look, see what's going on."

So I get a bit closer.

Now I'm hovering
just outside the back doors. Yeah.

And I push forward
a little bit too much

and the drone went straight into
the back of the ambulance...

striking Jerry on the back.

Which presumably hurt Jerry because
the rotors of a drone are very fast.

Oh, yeah, he was a good

three or four inches
taller than this last year.

So Jerry spots you
leaning out of your bedroom window

with a remote control.
What does he then do?

"Oi!"...

..I said, "Give me my drone back!"

I can't really repeat
what he said on television.

He swore. No, no, he's French
and I don't understand French.

All right, we need an answer.

So, David's team, is Jerry
Sian's concerned copper?

James' fireman friend?

Or Lee's peeved paramedic?

Oh, I don't... I mean...

I think it's James'...
You think it's James'? Yeah.

I think it's Sian.

I mean, I think...
I think we're agreed Lee is lying.

Yeah.

The question is,
is it James or Sian?

I think it's a mate of James'
from the pub

who was a volunteer fireman.

I'm not happy about this.

Because my instinct is that James
is telling the truth. Right.

But I know what
that's saying, publicly.

I know what I am then believing.

I'm believing a game
that is played across a river

between volunteer firemen
with a souped-up ice cream van

squirting a barrel in which the
locals come and stand and watch

in just the place where
they get splattered with water.

What's it going to be? I just...

I think it's James.

You're going to go with James?
Yeah.

Go on, I'm saying it's James.

Jerry, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Jerry, and...

I'm a volunteer fireman
who soaks James on Boxing Day.

Hello, Jerry!

Yes, Jerry is James' fireman friend.

Thank you very much, Jerry.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Lily.

Until last year, I believed
that reindeer were fictional

creatures like unicorns
until my six-year-old daughter

told me the truth. Lee's team.

Until how long ago? Last year.

Aw!

LAUGHTER

Is it because Father Christmas'
reindeers fly, so that's why they

couldn't possibly be true?

Yeah, maybe that's why
I came to that conclusion.

I just felt like it was
a ridiculous notion, yeah.

You were aware of deer,
though, weren't you?

Yes, actually, I was.

Because of Bambi.
So you'd seen deer?

Hang on, because of a fictional...?!

This doesn't make sense.

You've seen a fictional reindeer
flying in the sky...

Well, if Bambi flew,

then I probably wouldn't
have believed in deer.

What about Dumbo?
Did you not believe in elephants?

Did you stop believing in carpets
when you saw Aladdin?

I remember my ex-husband telling me
that the moon was made of cheese

and I believed that.
Like, there are things that I...

I think we should stop here
for a second.

You genuinely believed
what your husband said

when he said the cheese?

Well, I thought maybe it had

the same chemical make-up
as cheese!

Can I just point out, Lily, you are
saying this out loud on television.

Wow.

Let's go back to the conversation
between you and your little girl.

How did it come about
and what did she say?

I was going to take them
on a trip to Lapland.

Right.

My daughter said,
"Are there going to be reindeer?"

And I said, "Don't be ridiculous,
reindeer aren't real."

What was her reaction to that?

She had been to another farm
in Gloucestershire and had seen

some reindeer, so she knew
that reindeer were real.

And how long did this carry on?

Until I googled reindeer.

LAUGHTER

Wow!
It's so embarrassing!

So, what are you going to say?

Well, it's a tricky one, because
I can't believe she has never,

up until that point,
seen a reindeer. Mm.

I don't understand
how you can go through life

without seeing a real reindeer.

Sorry, are we talking
about reindeer? Not...

Hello, David.

Sorry, sorry, reindeer,
they don't exist, do they?

Grandpa has woken up
from his sleep on Christmas Day.

You can definitely go through
your life without seeing reindeer.

No, you can't!

They're not like pigeons.

So, what's it going to be, Lee?
Let's go for a decision.

I mean, I still can't believe that
giraffes are real.

I've been to the zoo
and I've seen giraffes.

I still don't quite believe
they're real.

Did you get it out and feel it
like Noddy would?

I think it's a lie.

She's very believable, though.

So you think she's lying
but she's believable? Yeah.

What kind of answer is that?

I hope it's a lie, for Lily's sake.

Lily, were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie?

I was...

telling a lie.

Next.

It's David.

Possession. Ah, right.

There's a box under your desk.

Take the item out first.

Lift the box onto the desk.

Right, now, take the item
out of the box.

Got it.
And now, read the card.

Last Christmas, my brother
bought me this iPad.

I've never turned it on,
but I have used it to k*ll a wasp

and carry three mugs
of hot chocolate.

Lee's team.

Right. Who were the mugs
of hot chocolate for?

Go!

Sorry? Who were the mugs
of hot chocolate for?

Say them now without thinking.

It's too much pressure! I don't
know three people, it's a lie!

LAUGHTER

Who where they for, David?

They were for my wife,
for me, and for my mother.

Where were you taking them to?

I was taking them from
the hot chocolate-making room...

..to the hot chocolate
consumptorium.

Kitchen to living room?
Yes, that's it.

Did you k*ll the wasp with the
glass side or the non-glass side?

The non-glass side. OK.

How hard did you hit it?

Um... Well, it's dead.

It wasn't like a great sweeping,
you know, smash.

Was it mid-air?

It was more sort of
a press and lean.

Lulled into a false sense of
security with my terrified whimpers.

And then at a certain point,
it settled on a flattish surface

and then I went in with
a press and lean.

If you k*ll a wasp,
you don't slowly press it

like a psychopath.

He only said that he does the push
and press because he knew

that there wasn't any dents on it.
No, no, no, no.

I'm not saying I, like, gradually...

As soon as I was pressing,
I pressed quickly.

I didn't want to extend
its suffering.

I wasn't whispering stories about,

"Do you find the room is
getting smaller, Mr Wasp?"

"I'm sure you must be imagining it.

"Finding your little antennae
are getting a bit crushed? Oh...

"What next? Try and move a wing.

"Oh, you can't!"

Right, it's time to take a guess.
You say it's a... Lie.

You say it's a lie. It is a lie.

So, you say it's a lie.

David, were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie?

I was telling...

a lie.

BUZZER

That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Lee's team
has won, by four points to one.

CHEERING

Thanks for watching. We'll
see you next time. Goodnight.